Exar wrote:

Love's Truth
Chapter 3

  Where is this fanfic kept? I missed chapter two. :/

By Exar
exarkun@olypen.com

Ranma walked into the clinic with a nervous expression on his face. He
wasn't looking forward to this.

  this -- it (?)

  Keep the tense in mind -- I'm not sure if what you have actually works, but it sounds wrong to me.

  Of course, as has been firmly established, I am someone you can freely ignore. Or throw books at. My boss likes to do that for some reason...

As he walked through the door to the office, Dr. Tofu looked up.

  A little more detail wouldn't hurt that bit, since this looks like it might be an important scene.

  Tofu is doing what, when Ranma enters? Sitting at his desk, looking at some paperwork? A little detail could help flesh it out -- not that you need to get everything down, just a tad more to help us see what you're showing, instead of telling us what you're seeing. ;)

"Why, hello, Ranma, it's nice to see you. Any new injuries?"

"No, Doc." <Not yet, anyway...>

  Heh. That's funny. But, are thought quotes neccessary? This is something that you can easily fold into the prose.

  ie., At least, not yet, he thought to himself.

"Then what brings you here?", Tofu said, walking around the desk towards
Ranma, a friendly smile on his face.

   -- here?", Tofu --  I'm not sure about the science of this, but I believe that the comma is extraneous, so you can just have -- here?" Tofu -- but then, there are apparently several conventions.

Ranma sighed. This wasn't gonna be easy. But he owed it to the Doc to be up
front about it.

  This -- it -- the situation -- etc. Just a suggestion, mind you...

"Doc... Kasumi an' me, we're engaged now. Akane an' me broke it off. I'm...
sorry."

  Tofu: Not as sorry as you're _going_ to be, Ranma.

  Ranma: Whazzat?

  Tofu: Nothing. Time for your physical.

Tofu danced across the room and grabbed his skeleton off of it's display
stand.

  it's -- its

"Betty, did you hear? Kasumi's engaged to Ranma now! Isn't.... that......
nice?"

  Extraneous periods in those elipses? There are many ways to use them, and I use them, apparently, the wrong way, so feel free to ignore this... but I think they're normally three periods in a row.

Dr. Tofu turned slowly to face Ranma, building rage showing in his eyes.

  building rage -- a building rage (?)

"You're ENGAGED to my Kasumi? Akane was right! You are a womanizer! There's
no way I'm going to let you take Kasumi from me!"

  Kasumi: Ara? You never had me, Tofu.

  Tofu: But... the whips, the chains, the hot wax...

  Kasumi: Sorry, that's just a little phase I was going through -- I'm over it now.

  Tofu: That was last Thursday!

Ranma stared in shock as Tofu threw himself at the younger man, coming back
to himself just in time to dodge the skeleton the enraged physician was
trying to hit him with.

  Ranma: Great, another guy throwing himself at me.

  'younger man' sounds awkward, as though Tofu's throwing himself at some _other_ young man.

"Doc! What're you doin'? Knock it off!", Ranma shouted as he backpeddled.

  Same comment as to the earlier -- off!" Ranma -- which you're just as welcome to ignore. ^_^

"Betty! He's trying to take Kasumi from me! Help me stop him!", Tofu yelled
incoherently as he swung the skeleton in deadly arcs, barely missing Ranma
each time.

  Ditto.

  Also, if it's incoherent, then how can Ranma understand it?

  Ryouga: Bwee?

  Ranma: Yeah, like he said, I've had practice.

"Betty's Head-Bash!", yelled the doctor as he lept over a table. As he
reached the height of his arc, he began throwing skulls at Ranma, seemingly
pulling them from inside Betty's empty head.

  Three things.

  1: Same tired punctuation comment. ;)

  2: That is HILLARIOUS.

  3: Wouldn't he be grabbing the extra skulls from her neck? Taking them from her head is odd...

  Excelent way to make light of an otherwise dire situation.

Tofu grunted in pain, but immediately regained his feet. He briskly
reattached Betty's head, then removed her leg just as quickly. He charged
Ranma, changing to a running jump at the last second, when he slapped
Betty's leg onto his own and shouted, "Skeleton-Fu Secret Technique!
Extension Kick!" Ranma cried out in pain as the foot of the skeletal leg
slammed into his chest, the toes slicing through his shirt and digging into
his chest.

  Skeleton-Fu. Well, I guess he's not clearheaded enough to try his shiatsu.

"How could you do that to my poor Betty? I'm going to teach you a lesson,
Ranma!", Tofu screamed as he leapt at Ranma. Lightning-quick, he threw a
punch at Ranma's face. Instinctively, Ranma blocked with his forearm. Too
late, he saw Tofu's hand twist and felt his expert fingers tapping lightly
down his arm. Ranma's left arm was suddenly stuck in the blocking position
and wouldn't move an inch.

  Spoke too soon!

"If that's the way you want it, doc. Katchuu Tenchin Amaguriken!! One-Armed
Version!!"

  That sounds so... ecchi.

Ranma proceeded to throw several hundred punches at Tofu, who blocked some,
dodged others, and simply stood and took the rest. As Ranma finished the
technique, he noticed an incredible pain in his hand. Tofu had managed to
hit a pain point while blocking! Ranma shook his hand to lessen the agony,
but to no avail. Fortunately, the doctor had felt the
punches he took, and was slow recovering.

  Formatting error here?

Taking advantage of a woozy enemy, Ranma jumped up, bounced off a table, and
executed a Flying Dragon kick that would have made Bruce Lee proud. Tofu
caught it in the chest and went flying out through his clinic's front
window.

  Kung-Fu, eh? I would think that a Jeet-Kun-Do move would impress him more. ;)

"Give up on Kasumi? Never!", responded Dr. Tofu as he stood up straight and
pressed a spot on his own chest. Immediately his breathing was easier. He
then rushed Ranma, trying to bowl him over. Ranma lept over the doc's
oncoming form, spinning in the air to launch a volley of kicks into his
back. Tofu stumbled forward, unable to stop, and rammed headfirst
into the wall.

  doc's -- doctor's   (Optional.)

  The 'was' in the second sentence sound stilted for some reason...

"That's it, Ranma! Now you DIE!", Tofu screamed in fury, spinning around and
closing with Ranma faster than before. He dodged Ranma's punch, then began
pummeling the boy's torso from inside his defense. He got in several good
hits before Ranma chopped down onto his collarbone. With a hiss of pain,
Tofu back away.

  Would have expected the good doctor to calm down a little...

Tofu was hurting, badly. His clavicle had broken with that last attack, and
the pain-deadening point he'd pressed couldn't filter it all out. When it
wore off, he'd probably go into shock. He needed to finish this.

  Clavicle? That's going to hurt quite a bit, most likely. Good thing they tend to be fairly minor injuries.

Ranma decided to go on the offensive. He jumped at Tofu, leading with kicks,
and finishing with a roundhouse punch with his pain-filled hand.

  Repetition of 'with', suggest dropping the first one.

Tofu was in agony. One of Ranma's kicks had aggravated his broken shoulder.
He hated to use it on a kid, but he only had one attack left.

  PoV shift? Seems a bit sudden.

Tofu was exhausted. He hadn't fought like this in ages. He couldn't take the
pace. Ranma was going to win.

  this -- that (?)

Ranma warily examined his opponent. He seemed to be on the edge of falling
over. <I sure hope he ain't fakin',> Ranma thought.

Only one way to find out, he mused.

  Why only use thought quotes on one of those thoughts? Why not fold them both into the prose?

Ranma gave a mighty battle cry and leapt into the air. As Tofu watched, he
flew towards him, landing a kick squarely on Tofu's face, knocking him into
and partially through the wall behind him and thoughly knocking him out..

  'he flew towards him'?

Before he passed out as well, Ranma wondered briefly if he should call a
doctor for the doctor.

  Hm.... I'd suggest moving the passing out to the end of the sentence.

Ranma awoke in an empty hospital room. He sat up and turned to swing his
feet off the bed, and then noticed the brace on his foot.

  Repetition of 'foot'? Replace the one with 'ankle,' maybe?

He limped to the bathroom and was taking care of business when he heard
someone enter the room.

  the room -- the other room    ... right?

  Kasumi: Nope!

anma chuckled softly as he finished what he was doing and opened the door
to the cubicle.

  Cubicle? This must be MS Hosipital...

Akane looked angry, but that was nothing new.

  What's she angry about?

"Ranma! You're finally awake! Now I can pound you for hurting Dr. Tofu!",
Akane said as she pulled her hammer out of the aether.

  Er... why would she care at this point? Isn't there -- essentially -- nothing between them?

  If Akane behaves like that, she must not care to try and get Ranma back.

"A likely story! Why would he do that, you jerk?"

  Ranma: Everyone attacks me!

  Ryouga/Kuno/Mousse: Only over Akane.

"Oh," Akane said in a very small voice.

  That calmed her down fast...

"Why would Dr. Tofu attack you because we are engaged?", asked Kasumi, with
a puzzled look on he face.

  he -- her

Ranma shook his head and said, "He goes crazy any time you come around, or
if you're even mentioned."

"Oh. I thought he always acted that way."

  Kasumi: And here I thought he was just a blathering idiot!

"I guess you've just never seen him act normally. I don't know if he's
actually insane, or just incredibly shy," offered Nabiki.

"Oh, my."

  That certainly confuses the matter...

"Stop you stupid talking. Shampoo trying to find fix for Cassanova Point."

Ryoga couldn't find a way to sauvely reply to that, so he shut up. Sauvely.

  Repetition of 'suavely'? You could probably reword the first part -- but it is funny.

"Shampoo wish she read whole scroll first. Shampoo stomach upset."

  Too much sweetness, no doubt.

Ranma was released a few hours later, but warned to take it easy on his foot
until the ankle healed some. They inquired as to Tofu's condition, and were
told that he would be out in a few days, but wouldn't be back
to full health for a month or so.

  healed some. -- had healed some. -- healed somewhat. -- etc. (?)

"Yeah, tell me about it. I dunno, he's older than my other rivals, so he
might see reason a little easier."

"Sure, Ranma. Whatever you say."

  Oooh... low, Nabiki, low. But probably all-too-true.

Finding nothing of interest on TV, and having no interest in watch his
father and Mr. Tendo cheat at shogi, he sought out Kasumi.

  watch -- watching

  Genma: Foolish boy! Since you can't go to school, you _must_ learn the triple tile sneak technique!

Ranma walked up the stairs and to Kasumi's room. As he raised his hand to
knock, he realized that he'd never been in her room before, and only seen
inside once. And since he'd been worried about Akane cooking, he
didn't much remember what he saw.

  Akane cooking. -- Akane's cooking. (?)

She opened the door with a smile on her face and said, "Come in, Ranma."

  That scans awkwardly, but I'm not sure what to suggest...

"Kasumi? Why do you have a computer in your room?", Ranma asked, gesturing
at the desk.

  Kasumi: alt.lonely.housewives... er... it's for trading recepies.

  Ranma: Uh-huh.

  Kasumi: Really!

"It's for my job. I need it to do my typing, but I also use it to organize
and trade recipies, plan meals, and do some shopping."

  Hey, I got one! Gimmie a cookie. :p

"I didn't know you had a job.", said Ranma, a little embarassed that he
hadn't.

  job.", said -- job," said

"Don't, Ranma. I know how much money Nabiki generates off of you, and that
you could stop her easily. You've helped tremendouly."

  tremendouly -- tremendou[s]ly

"Oh. So what is your job?", Ranma asked.

  He's just dismissing Kasumi's insight?

"I read medical books and summarize them into things called 'Cliff's
Notes'."

"So that's why you're always going down to Dr. Tofu's to borrow books!"

  Hah! I like this part.

Kasumi blushed a little, and said, "I like him because he's silly, but I
don't like him the way he seems to want me to. If he had ever shown how he
felt, or asked me out, well... it's not going to happen now, is it?"

  Tofu: That's where you're WRONG, Kasumi! Marry me!

"Don't be silly. Your ankle is still hurt, so you couldn't leave if I'd let
you. Besides, I don't want to date Dr. Tofu. Do you know how old he is?"

"No."

"Well neither do I, but he's been running his clinic since I was in junior
high. He's at least ten or twelve years older than me."

"Ya know, I never thought of that."

  You know, I never looked at Tofu that way before. Huh.

On Dr. Tofu's age: I don't know how much it's addressed in the manga, but in
the anime, it is suggested that Dr. Tofu is in somewhere in his 30s. He is
shown running his clinic when Akane is somewhere in the range of 10 years
old.  Kasumi would have been 13 or so. that's 6 years before the show,
assuming he was 18 when he graduated high school, add 8 years to get a
doctorate, and he would be at least 32 years old. Also, in one episode of
the anime, he says, "I haven't seen one of those in over a hundred years!"
(referring to the moxibution on Ranma's back). This suggests that he is like
Colonge and Happosai, and is very old, but using a martial arts technique to
stay young. This is doubtful, tho, and the line probably lost something in
the translation. Regardless, Dr. Tofu at 32+, and Kasumi at 19-20? You make
the call.

  Yeah, noticed that translation from the comments of 'Ill Met by Starlight'.

  It's not implausible, though, Tofu _could_ be younger, since he might not be a full doctor, or he could have been some kind of genius who graduated and started a year early, etc... Maybe he was still doing his internship and took the clinic over after graduation. Regardless, it could go either way, and the way you've described works for your story quite well.

  All-in-all, not a bad chapter, except for the fact that I missed part two. :p

  It will be interesting to see more!

By Exar
exarkun@olypen.com
Exar's Fanfics & More!
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