Catching up on some of my backlog....

"Flores, Stiffanie Junne K." <stiffaniejunne.flores@ph.unisys.com>
wrote:

In front of him, groups of people clustered together, waiting for everyone
to get off before going inside the train station, to make sure that nobody
got left behind.  But Ranma was alone.  He'd always been alone.

GENMA: What about me, boy?

Ranma leaned back and put a hand behind his head, closing his eyes for a
bit.  The night before, he'd trekked all the way from the mountains down to
the village below, and he was feeling a bit sleepy.  His father had always
said it was in sleep where one regained his ki, and aside from having three

where one regained one's ki,

Ranma smiled to himself.  Of course, that was Genma he was thinking about.
Of course Genma would think that aside from eating and sleeping, nothing
else was worth his time.  Except for his son's training, of course, but ever
since they'd come back from Jyusenkyo, his father hadn't bothered him too
much about his training anymore.  Not that he'd needed to, of course.  Ranma
kept himself well in shape, what with fighting insane martial artists in
Nerima at least everyday.  His eyes lit up briefly at the memory.  He'd have
been lucky if he didn't get wet at least once everyday.  And if it wasn't

"every day" is two words in this context, and you might want to vary
your wording between these two sentences.

His smile faded.  He recalled each time they fought, when he would tease her
mercilessly about her cooking, or her martial arts skills.  He'd teased her
so much, when he knew he should have kept his mouth shut, all because he
could never find the courage to tell her that he... he loved her...

RANMA: And because it was fun.

It hadn't gone well.  She'd cried and thrown herself in his arms, refusing
to give up, especially after knowing that he was breaking all the
engagements, including the one with Akane.  

"Please don't leave me, Ranchan," she'd pleaded tearfully.  "Let me prove to
you that I'm the right girl for you..."

And that's it? Can't see how she'd give up that easily, after she'd
spent ten years hunting him down....

He'd gone to Shampoo next.  Shampoo, though, had been another matter.  She'd
alternated between bouts of tears and threats to harm Akane, even after
Ranma had told her he was also breaking his engagement to Akane.  Cologne,
who had been standing behind Ranma, made an attempt to touch Ranma's
pressure point, which would have made him collapse in a boneless heap, so
that she and Shampoo could take him back to China without a struggle.

How's he know that this was what her attack was supposed to do? Seems a
bit extreme for Cologne anyway.

"Do you understand, boy?" the old man said suddenly.  "Sometimes, even the
simplest choice you make can change everything and everyone around you.  And
if it ended up destroying everything you love..." He shook his head tiredly.
"You will carry the burden of that for the rest of your life."

While I think this old man works well in the story for the most part,
having him lecture Ranma this way seems a bit like an obvious attempt on
the author's part to prod the character. IMO, it would work better if he
just told his story, and let Ranma decide how its lessons apply to him.
(His storytelling could also do with a bit of descriptive detail; just
what does a demon god look like?)

Funny how he still thought about it that way.  He was twenty-one years old.
He'd spent almost twenty years on the road, wandering from one place to
another.  He'd lived in Nerima for only a few months, but it was the longest
period of time that he'd spent in a single place.

I dunno... he must have spent at least that long in junior high with
Ryoga, given how much back history the two of them seem to have
together.

The loud sound of a horn pierced the air, and Ranma jumped in surprise.  All
of a sudden, the buzz of people around him grew steadily in volume, and
Ranma turned sharply, gaping at the train which was coming into the station

>from the other side, slowly coming to a stop, in front of...

"Akane!"

Beside him, an elderly matron jumped in surprise.  People standing beside

Second person to "jump in surprise" in three paragraphs. You really
should go through this and check for repetitive wording. I know this
sort of thing can be hard to spot while you're writing, especially if
you write a little at a time (as I tend to do), so going back over a
chapter once you've finished it is a good idea.

"Akane!" he shouted, his steps quickening.  He moved quickly through the
throngs of people, his eyes darting anxiously from face to face, tension
mounting inside him with each second.  "Akane!"  People were starting to
look at him.

Just then, his eyes caught a glimpse of blue-black hair, and he skidded to a

Oh, c'mon. Her hair's the same color as that of millions of other
Japanese. Anime hair colors are there so the *viewers* can tell who the
main characters are. When the characters themselves (or even an
omniscient narrator) start recognizing them, it doesn't exactly help my
suspension of disbelief.

Okay, you guessed it.  The old man is a modern-day version of "Houjun," or

No, I didn't, but thanks anyway. :)

better known as Chichiri, of the seven star warriors of Suzaku.  There, my
secret's out.  Yes, I did watch Fushigi Yuugi.  =)  My adaptation of the

I didn't. :)

Now, comments about the story.  I got a lot of comments from Part 1 about
the ending being too easy.  I hope you don't think that.  It is in no way
easy - five years have passed, and a lot of things have changed, even if
Ranma and Akane still feel the same for each other.  Ranma, for his part,
has a LOT of explaining to do.  And who knows what Akane will do?  

Well, I'd kinda like to. :) You've taken us this far and built up a lot
of backstory, so it seems like a shame that you aren't going to take it
to its conclusion. Anyhow, it was a pretty nice look at the characters
and what might have happened if things had gone wrong. Ranma seemed
maybe a little too mature, but then again five years gives him lots of
time to grow.

As a last random thought, I'm a little curious as to how Akane and the
others handled some of the events later in the series without Ranma
there. Ryu Kumon is the one that springs to mind; here's a guy deceiving
Nodoka by pretending to be her son, and the real one isn't around to
contradict him. There's also the Saffron arc; most likely Akane would've
stayed out of that one, and the Phoenix would have succeeded in draining
Jusenkyo dry, which isn't going to make the others pleased with Ranma
when he returns. :)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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