To reply, post publically or e-mail the author at <megane67@home.com>
Enjoy!
The FFML Refugee List
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 30: THE IO SAGA PT. 1
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"The Io Saga" is the property of Sarah J. Gates and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
* * *
"Tell me what you read,
and I'll tell you what I MST."
Announcer: Five Years ago...
Voice: Four!
Announcer: Four Years ago, a madman's delusion became reality, in a forum
never seen before... The Satellite of Love. A giant satellite orbiting the
earth
with a built in movie theater.
(Dr. Clayton Forrester stuffs a handful of popcorn in his mouth and scowls)
His motivation for shanghaiing the satellite was to force unwilling subjects
to test new original fanfics, which could be called true literary disasters.
Dr. F: Push the button, Frank!
To realize his dream, he secretly started choosing authors of various styles
of anime fanfiction and he named these people, the Iron Authors, the
invincible
men and women of crappy fanfiction skills. Examples of these Iron Authors
include...
Iron Author Hermaphrodite is Oscar
Iron Author Ukyou is Mike Rhea
Iron Author Incoherent is Dr. Thinker
And Sheep as Iron Author Sheep Hurting
The Satellite of Love is the arena where Iron Authors await the challenges
of master MSTers from around the world. The challengers have ninety minutes
to survive the theme fanfic of the day, using all their sarcasm, skills, and
creativity, they're going to try and prepare humorous riffs never read
before.
And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Author, he or she will gain the
Mads scorn and hatred forever. Every battle, sanity is on the line in the
Satellite
of Love, where master MSTers combine their artistic riffs to assist each
other.
What comedy does today's challengers bring? And how will the Iron Author
fight
back?
The heat will be on!
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
DEEP 13
It was eerily quiet in Deep 13, the fluorescent lights were dimmed and
the computers were humming softly as they awaited reactivation. Then the
sound of a squeaky footfall broke the silence as Dr. Clayton Forrester
stepped
forward into the laboratory.
He had an evil glint in his eye as he slowly surveyed his workplace.
Then reaching into his pocket, he produced a Vidalia onion and took a large
bite out of it. Almost immediately, his eyes began to water and his face
contorted violently before he managed to twist his facial expression into
something resembling a twisted grin. Abruptly the lights brightened as TV's
Frank stood solemnly by the light switch.
"Forrester-san!" Frank called out.
"Yes, Frank?" Dr. Forrester replied.
"I was just wondering... did you want me to get my invention ready
for the invention exchange or do you want me to find a fanfic for Joel
first?"
"No need for that, Frank. I've already found a fanfic that should do
the job nicely. Actually, I believe you suggested it to me a while
back...."
Frank's eyes grew wide. "You don't mean...?"
Dr. Forrester nodded.
"Wow... I didn't think you'd ever get to that one." Frank remarked.
"Well, it's been a while since I've given them a four parter. And since
I know you'd GLADLY give me all the credit if this fanfic actually manages
to
break their spirits...."
"I would?" Frank replied, confused.
Dr. Forrester glared at him.
"Oh! Yeah, I would! Definitely! You betcha! Heh heh... heh..." Frank
stammered nervously.
"Glad to hear it, Charles Best. Now why don't you run off and prepare
your little invention while I call out The Wiseass Line, centered by Joel
Robinson."
"Hey, there's nothing LITTLE about it! Trust me!" Frank replied
confidently.
"Excuse me?" Dr. Forrester inquired with a raised eyebrow.
"You'll see!" Frank replied cheerfully as he turned to leave. Dr.
Forrester
watched him leave and then shrugged as he walked over to the console and
activated the viewscreen. He frowned as the familiar words 'PLEASE HOLD'
were displayed across the screen, blinking on and off slowly as Tears for
Fears
began playing in the background. Annoyed, Dr. Forrester repeated the hail
to
no avail. Then a smile passed over his features as an idea came to mind.
"Let's see if shutting off the oxygen to the satellite gets his
attention...."
* * *
DISCO OF LOVE
The holocabana was bathed with colored light, strobing to the
beat of techno music as Joel Robinson, dressed in a white polyester jumpsuit
and matching Travola wig for the occasion, was getting funky on the dance
floor.
"Hey Tom! This was a great idea!" Joel had to yell to be heard over
the sound of the music. "The dry ice really adds to the ambiance! Heck,
this
is
even better than a real dance club cause there's no cigarette smoke! I can
actually breathe!"
"I told ya you'd like it!" Tom Servo shouted back before both of
his arms were grabbed by his holographic dance partners, the Puma Twins.
They were dressed in skimpy rave outfits and as usual, they were fighting
over Tom's attention.
"Aw, come on, Uni!" Anna whined. "You already dirty danced
with him twice! It's my turn!"
"Hey, I wasn't complaining when you had him solo for that *extra
close* tango!" Uni shot back as she hugged Tom possessively against her
ample chest.
"Ladies, ladies... there's enough of Tommy to go around." Tom
chuckled, thoroughly enjoying the twins attentions. Meanwhile Crow was
sitting out this dance, watching Gypsy bust a move as Richard Basehart,
her dance partner, struggled to keep up.
"Yeah, you go, girl! You're a dancing machine!" Crow cheered
from the sidelines as Gypsy laughed. Everyone was having such a good time
that no one noticed the hue of the room had turned blood red, signifying
that
the Mads requested their presence, not that it was easily noticeable with
all
the pulsating lights either.
The music changed to a slow tune and Joel found himself sweating
profusely as he wiped his brow and decided to take a breather. He walked
over to Crow and smiled as Tom slow danced with the Puma twins while Gypsy
did the same with Richard Basehart. As the flashing lights switched to a
more
ballroom mirror ball effect, Joel finally noticed the telltale red light.
"Uh-oh! Looks like Barney Miller and TV's Fish are calling! Looks
like we'll have to postpone this party for now.
"Aww, can't we just finish this last dance?" Tom whined.
"Yeah, please!" Gypsy begged.
"OK, I'll see you guys in a few minutes then. I'm going up to the
birdge... uh, I mean bridge! Oh man, I'm dizzy..." Joel blinked and walked
unsteadily over to the holocabana doors. As they opened and he stumbled
out into the hallway, another wave of dizziness swept over him and before he
knew what was happening the floor came rushing up to meet him.
"JOEL!!!"
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester had a smug smile on his face as the viewscreen finally
came to life. Joel Robinson looked a little pale and shaken as Gypsy, Tom
and
Crow were at his side, looking concerned.
"Why Joel! You look positively frightful!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed in
mock
concern. "You've been cooped up in that satellite too long, maybe you need
a
little fresh air?" he cackled.
"You... you... big evil meanie!" Gypsy shouted, her voice filled
with rage.
"Temper, temper, robot." Dr. Forrester admonished her. "It's his own
fault for making me wait. Never forget that *I* am the ringmaster and *YOU*
are
my trained seals, honking your little horns for my personal amusement! And
when I say HONK, you say ARF ARF! Got it?!?"
Gypsy was about to reply with as nasty an anatomical reference as she could
manage with no arms... only to stop when Joel's hand rested lightly on her
head. "It's OK, Gypsy, don't give him the satisfaction of losing your
temper.
I'll
be okay, really...." Joel said.
"Oh, enough already with the optimism, Rose Nylund!" Dr. Forrester
snarled. "It's time for the invention exchange! Put up or shut up!"
Joel nodded as he reached under the counter and produced a thin steel
briefcase. He opened it up to reveal eight gold DVDs and as Cambot zoomed
in for a closer look, the words 'THE SOUNDS OF EARTH II' were inscribed on
each disc with a smaller subtitle underneath.
"I came up with this a few days ago. For those of you not familiar with
the
history of 'The Sounds of Earth', the satellites Voyager 1 and 2 were
launched
into space in 1977, both of them containing identical golden records. These
records contain greetings in 60 languages, samples of music from different
cultures and eras, and natural and man-made sounds from Earth."
"Anyway, technology's advanced so much since the 70's that I got to
thinking
maybe it's about time we gave alien civilizations a more up to date version
with
some modern sounds of Earth." Joel gestured at the DVDs. "As you can see,
the first disc is the original Sounds of Earth record with DVD extras but
I've
also
got the Sounds of Telemarketers, Sounds of Infomericals, Sounds of Neo
Politics, Sounds of Wrestling, Sounds of Sandler, and so on. Cause if
aliens
ever do visit us, we might as well let them know what they're getting
themselves
into. What do you think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
"Well now, that's a little more cynical that I expected from you, Joel.
Maybe these experiments are having more of an effect than I thought." Dr.
Forrester couldn't resist flashing a grin of triumph. "Anyway, I've decided
to
throw poor Frank a bone again and let him do the invention exchange this
week. Take it away, Frank."
Frank stepped into the camera's view. "Thanks, Bob. Joel and I seem
to be on a similar wavelength today as I too plan to launch my invention
into
space with the hopes of reaching an alien civilization." Frank took a deep
breath before continuing. "But while Joel seeks to exchange knowledge, I've
decided to seek out one of my favorite pastimes... RERUNS! Woo!
Guh-gluuuuuh!"
"Cloning Peanuts characters again, Frank?" Crow wisecracked.
"Nope, check it out!" Frank replied eagerly as he took a remote control
out of his pocket and clicked a button. "Cambot! Give me Rocket Number 9!"
"Hey, that's my line!" Joel exclaimed, pouting.
The camera abruptly switched to an outside view of the satellite where
a large shimmering area could be spotted nearby. Abruptly a square shaped
object began to decloak and when the process was complete, a HUGE
television was now floating in space, completely covered with small metal
objects except for the screen.
Everyone could only start in shock as Frank hummed the theme to 2001,
very pleased with himself. "What the hell is THAT? A Romulan
War-Billboard?"
Dr. Forrester exclaimed.
"Nope, it's my 2000" TV!" Frank replied cheerfully.
"W-When did you have time to launch something like THAT into space?"
"Oh, I'll tell you all the technical details later, anyway, what do you
think!"
Frank asked, positively beaming.
"It's... It's really... wow..." Gypsy was stunned.
"Helluva lot of trouble for a Weird Al reference, isn't it?" Tom inquired.
"Oh, it's much more than that!" Frank continued. "See those little objects
welded to the TV?"
"Yeah, what are those things anyway?" Crow asked.
"They're VCRs! Thousands of them! Half of them contain a copied tape
with six hours worth of reruns and the other half are full of blank tapes!
Once
this TV reaches an alien civilization, they can tape their reruns onto the
blanks
and keep our reruns for themselves! One day future generations of couch
potatoes, human and alien, will thank me for this invention! And then I'll
say,
"No, thank YOU!" Frank finished proudly.
Dr. Forrester sighed, rubbing his temples. "And they wonder why I
hurt him so?" he muttered under his breath as he walked over and stood
behind a table covered with a red cloth. Pausing a moment to adjust his
glasses, he returned his attention to the viewscreen.
"Well now, fun's over, Joel, it's time for pain. If memory serves me
right,
I've given you plenty of Sailor Moon Crossovers, Lemons and Thinkerfics...
so
this time, I've chosen an experiment from early 1996 that features a new
generation of Sailor Senshi that didn't quite stand the test of time and a
villain
that doubles as a beauty pack. I unveil the fanfic!
With a flourish, Dr. Forrester yanked the red cloth from the table to
reveal
a fanfic sitting on top as dramatic music flooded Deep 13 for a few moments.
The camera zoomed in on and panned the fanfic several times as Dr. Forrester
smiled.
"Today's fanfic is 'THE IO SAGA'. Serve it their way, Frank."
"OK, you want Curly Fries with that?" Frank asked before the viewscreen
blinked out.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"What was THAT all about?" Joel wondered.
"Looks like Dr. F discovered the Food Network." Crow noted.
"Guess he got tired of Martial Law." Tom added as alarms suddenly
wailed and multicolored lights flashed.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you
move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater
on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next
to him, Crow sitting on his right.
sjgates@uunet.uu.net (Sarah J. Gates)
Joel: It's UUUUUUUnet!
Tom: Bill Gates, tired from all the corporate and governmental fighting,
goes
on-line with his alias!
Crow: <Bill Gates> Hi-ee! I'm Sarah, and I'm seventeen...
Sailor Moon: The Io Saga
Chapter 1: Enter The Rogue
Crow: An X-Men/Sailor Moon crossover? Cool!
Team Io
Joel: Consisting of two heifers, a Jersey, a Holstein, and the
bull from the Bugs Bunny cartoon!
Tom: Looks like Team Rocket's got some competition.
By: Sarah J. Gates
Crow: <Sarah> And NO, I am not worth four hundred billion dollars, so
DON'T think I bribe for C&C!
1. Int. Rei's Temple. Midday
The hot summer sunlight streams into the temple through the windows.
Rei sits near the table beside Usagi, who is reading Rei's comics.
Joel: <Usagi> Oh, that nutty Reggie! Always hitting on Midge!
Tom: So if Rei's sitting near the table and beside Usagi, does that mean
Usagi's sitting on the table?
Crow: <Rei> Hey! Usagi! I pay you to shake your can, not sit on it!
Get back to work!
Rei: Can't you take those home with you? I mean, you don't have to sit
here all day.
Usagi: But I'll get all hot and sweaty if I haul them home now when
it's the hottest outside.
Joel: <Usagi> And I hate getting all hot and sweaty! I always get those
strange looks from Michiru...
Crow: <Rei> You just want to leech off my central air, don't you?
Tom: New Japan Temples! Now with A/C! Come and worship in relative
coolness!
Rei rolls her eyes.
Rei: but you're going to take an air conditioned bus.
Usagi seems to ignore that comment and keeps on reading and laughing.
Joel: <Usagi, giggling> This "Grave of the Fireflys" manga is a laugh riot,
Rei!
When did you get this?
Bots: <sweatdrop>
There is a polite knock and Minako pokes her head in.
Minako: Do you mind if I come in?
Rei: No. Come on in.
Minako is followed by Makoto.
Tom: Makoto is followed by Ami, and Ami is followed by Setsuna!
Joel: <Setsuna> Get me! I'm a caboose! Woo woo!
Crow: <Ami> Oh, sheesh.
Makoto: This is the coolest place we've been in today! Everywhere that
has an air conditioner claims that it's broken down from overuse because of
the heat-wave.
Rei: Well, you can stay here until it cools down a bit.
Minako: Thanks, Rei. We were begining to think we'd never find a place
to stay slightly cool in this heat.
Tom: This fanfic brought to you by the repetition committee, support your
local
repetition and give us your support by showing us your support of your
local repetition with your support.
Crow: The only SM fic that TALKS about the WEATHER!
Joel: <Minako the weathergirl> And here over the Sea of Japan, you might
notice a low pressure center that has hit an occluded front...
Usagi laughs loudly in the background.
Usagi: Oh, this is great! You guys should really read these! (laughs
again)
Tom: What do you suppose she's reading anyway?
Crow: I haven't the slightest. Eros Comix?
Joel: The best of Bazooka Joe?
Rei sighs. Two children of about 10 and 12 run past. The younger one is
carrying a gem and running from the older.
Joel: <child> Gimmie back my Ring Pop!
Crow: <Rei> Hmm, children running through the streets... waitaminute,
we're not in Final Fantasy VI, are we?
Older child: Shira! Come back here with my opal!
Shira: Nyahnyah! (sticks her tongue out at the older child) No way, Shoko!
Tom: <Shira> My teddy bear needs another eye!
Crow: <Shira> Leave me alone or I'll transform into a Princess of Power!
Shoko: You are _SO_ annoying! Give it here!
They chase each other around in circles until Shoko stops and faces Shira
Joel: <Shoko> Cue the Hal Roach music!
Tom: <Usagi> BWAHAHAHA!! What? Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you
because I'm still totally absorbed in this screaming riot of a comic book!
Shira doesn't see here and runs into her, the opal flying out of her hand.
Shoko reaches up and grabs the opal.
Shoko: Ha!
Shira: Hey! No fair!!
Joel: <Shira> No violating the law of physics! You promised!
Tom: <Shira> I called fair catch! I get a two-yard bubble!
Crow: <Shoko> No you don't! We're using XFL rules now!
By this time, everyone is looking out the door at the two children.
Shira tries to get the opal again, but Shoko holds her at arms length,
literally.
Tom: Cause really, finger length just doesn't cut it.
Crow: <Luna, dubbed voice> Why are we letting all the COLD AIR OUT?!?
SHUT THE BLOODY DOOR!!
Rei: Hey! What are you two doing here?
Shoko and Shira stop and look over at Rei.
Tom: <Shoko> Providing the first plot point, what'da think?!?
Crow: <Shoko> Reminding you of the innocence that you've lost for the
past three years, having to act like a grown-up and having to protect Tokyo
at the same time?
Joel: <Rei> Uh, thanks, I really needed that.
Shoko: Gomen nasaii*. We didn't realize people were here at the moment.
[*Gomen nasaii means, "I'm very sorry"]
Crow: <Shoko> We'll just continue our light hearted tiff elsewhere.
Terribly
sorry to have bothered you!
Tom: I call foul! It's 'gomen de kudasai', which is the correct way for
Japanese
to express regret and...
Crow: Can it, Dictionary.
Rei: That's okay. Do you want to come in? It is cooler in here than
it is out there, and I'm sure you must be thirsty from all of that running
around.
Joel: <Shoko> Sure am! Got anything cold to drink?
Crow: <Rei> What do I look like? A lemonade stand? I make one logical
conclusion and you expect me to play hostess?! Sheesh!
Shira: Domo arigato*.
All: <singing> MR. ROBOTO! MATA AH-OO MINA DE!
[*Domo arigato means "Thank you."]
Tom: Random Japanese words, tossed around like so many knives as if we
were a poor excuse for a sideshow... <sobbing> Oh, the JAPANITY!
Joel: Aw, don't cry, Tom... they'll be all right. They've everlasting
words...
and they've dedicated themselves all to you.
Tom: <sniffling> P-Promise?
Joel: Promise.
Minako: So, what brings you two to Tokyo?
Shoko: We heard of Tokyo and thought it would be nice to visit.
If I come up with something better, I'll tell you.
Tom: <Minako> Well, I should hope so! You expect us to swallow a yarn
like that?!
Crow: <Shoko> OK! OK! We came to visit Tenchi! Are you happy now?!
ARE YOU?!?
Shira: But the group we were with left us in this part and went on their
own.
Makoto: You might as well stay here. They'd have a better chance of
finding you.
Crow: Assuming they're actually looking, of course.
Joel: <Shoko> Find us? It took us hours to shake those flag waving,
whistle-blowing weenies!
Usagi is still laughing in the background.
Joel: <Minako> Rei, I think you overdosed her on the Ritalin.
Crow: <Rei> Dammit... help me tie her up. We don't want a repeat
episode....
Usagi: Oh, these are *so* great!
Tom: Boy, I wish Dr. F would send up whatever Usagi's reading....
Crow: Yeah, it sounds like the literary equivalent of a Weird Al concert!
Rei: Usagi, could you turn down your volume?
Usagi: OKay.
Joel: <Rei> Thanks... I think.
Crow: <Minako> Hey, cool! I wanna change the station too!
Tom: <Usagi> KYAA!! Hey, quit tweaking my nipples, Minako!
Rei: Since it seems you're going to be staying here a little while, we
may as well properly introduce ourselves. I'm Rei Hino. (bows)
Minako stands up and bows.
Minako: I am Minko.
Joel: <Minako> Me Minko! Me help you muchly!
Tom: Taking their bows a little early, aren't they?
Makoto: I'm Makoto.
Crow: <Makoto> I bow for nobody.
Tom: <Makoto> If I tell you my last name, I'd have to kill you. Many times
over. Multiple Lacerations.
Joel: <Rei> Oh, don't mind her, she's had some bad luck with boyfriends
the past few years....
Usagi: (wiping tears from her eyes) I'm Usagi Tsukino.
Shira: I'm Shira Bino, and this is my sis, Shoko.
Tom: <Shira> Hey, what ARE you reading anyway?
Joel: <Usagi> The comic version of "Silence of the Lambs".
Crow: <Shira> Oh... uh... t-that's nice... <whispers aside> Rei, are you
SURE
Ritalin was the ONLY thing you gave her!?
2. Ext. Ice cream shop. midday.
Ami and Chibi-Usa are sitting on a bench, each with their elbows on
there knees and their heads on their hands.
Joel: It's the new Mrs. Potato Senshi!
Crow: <Ami> You know, when I said I wanted to get ahead, this isn't exactly
what I had in mind....
Tom: <Chibi-Usa> It seemed like a good idea at the time... mind gluing my
neck back onto my body now?
Crow: <Ami> Hmm, is that a basketball court nearby? OW! I was just
kidding!
Stop biting me! OW!
They look longingly at the ice cream shop.
Tom: <Ami> Urrrrrrghhhhhh... oh, the hell with my diet! BRING ON THE
BANANA SPLITS!!
Crow: Umm, wouldn't Ami's characterization here apply a bit more to Usagi?
Joel: Before or after she starting reading Dante?
Ami: How I wish I had enough for two cones of vanilla.
Chibi-Usa: Hey, how much money do you have? I think I have some yen I
saved. Maybe it'll be enough to buy something.
Tom: <Chibi-Usa> I know! I'll spend it on a vowel!
Ami: I only 500 yen.
Joel: Oh, come on, Ami. You're worth way more than that!
That's not enough for two small cups. I need 50 more yen. Chibi-Usa:
Hey! I've got six 10 yen coins in my pocket! That's enough for ice cream!
Crow: Or six stories from D.F. Roeder!
Tom: And by the way, sixty yen in Japan isn't even half a soft drink, how
did it become a whole ice-cream cone?
Ami: Well, just give them to me and I'll get us some. What flavor do you
want?
Chibi-Usa: i'd like some strawberry, please.
Ami: Okay. Stay right here and i'll get it.
Tom: And if that's not an open invitation for something to happen, I don't
know
what is.
Joel: <Ami> Don't make me tie you to the fire hydrant again!
Crow: <Ami> And no "Black Lady"-ing on us either!
Chibi-Usa hands Ami 6 coins and she gets up and gets in line.
Crow: THRILL as Sailor Senshi STAND IN LINE!
Joel: Now if Ami'd just use her Shabon Spray, she'd be able to avoid
this mess...
Then three girls who are running come crashing into the bench and fall on
Chibi-Usa.
All: TOGGG!!!
Tom: <girl> We are the Spanish Inquisition!
Joel: <Chibi-Usa> But I didn't say...
Tom: <girl> That doesn't matter! Cardinal Biggles, read the charges!
A white haired girl gets up and pulled the redhead and violet haired girls
up.
Tom: All right! Ladies's wrestling! Yank them roots! Do the Matrix spin!
Crow: <Cologne> Ranma! Shampoo! If you're here then WHO'S RUNNING
MY RESTAURANT?!?
Chibi-Usa: Hey! Whatch where you're going!
Tom: Watch how you're spelling!
White haired girl: Gomen*. These two snagged my money and I wasn't
watching where I was going.
[*Gomen, Sorry]
Tom: Inconsistency! You just finished telling us that "gomen nasai" was
"I'm
sorry", and now you're saying DIFFERENT?
Crow: Yes, you too can learn how to speak Japanese in two easy fanfics!
Redhead: Yeah. I'm sorry too.
Violet haired girl: Me too.
Tom: So the white-haired girl is the only one to speak Japanese?
Crow: The violet-haired girl learned all she knows from AOL, I see.
Joel: Reading this fanfic is like opening a bag of Skittles... taste the
rainbow
of hair colors!
Chibi-Usa: Could you tell me who in the world you are?
Crow: <White haired girl> Well, in the real world, I'm Sue, but in the cyber
world, I'm Luvkitten3456!
White haired girl: Watashi wa Boni desu*.
[*Watashi wa Boni desu, I am boni.]
Joel: <Chibi-Usa> Yeah, you are kinda thin. Maybe you should lay off the
diet?
Crow: AHH!! I didn't come here to learn a different language, I want
entertainment!!
Tom: Just pick a language and stick with it, fanfic! Don't make us e-mail
your
supervisor!
Redhead: And I'm Mani.
All: <chanting> Mani Mani Calavara! Don't need skin! Don't need haira!
Violet haired girl: And finally, I am Toni.
Tom: ...the Tiger.
Crow: <Toni> We came from California, and we're like, totally here for a
while!
Joel: Fer shure!
Chibi-Usa: Hi. I'm Usagi, but everyone calls me Chibi-Usa.
Crow: Speak for yourself, spore.
Ami comes back with two cups of ice cream, one vanilla, one strawberry.
She hands the strawberry to Chibi-Usa.
Tom: And then Ami gives Chibi-Usa the raspberry!
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> Who are you, Bill the Cat?
Then she notices the three girls standing beside the bench, brushing
themselves off.
Joel: <Mani> Well, it was fun but I simply must be going....
Crow: <Boni> Yes, I'd love to talk further but I simply don't have the time.
Tom: Heh... see, they're brushing themselves off and... oh, never mind.
She looks over at the oldest, Boni.
Tom: <Ami> Do you guys come in green and orange too?
Joel: <Boni> Yeah, we're on lend from Utena.
Boni, noticing Ami is looking at her, looks right back.
Crow: <Boni> I see your look... and raise you a glance!
Tom: <Ami> I'll see that... and I'll also bet a glare!
Crow: <Boni> Call!
Then Ami tears her gaze away and sees Mamoru running past.
He notices the bunch of girls crowded around the bench.
Joel: Oh, that Mamoru... he's always got that girl-radar on.
Crow: <Mamoru> ALL RIGHT!! LOOK OUT BABES!! HERE COMES
TUXEDO MOROBOSHI!!!
Tom: <Mamoru> Hey baby, hi baby... didja know that my first name means
"protect" in Japanese? I can protect you if you'd like...
Mamoru: Ami, Chibi-Usa, what are you doing out when it's this hot out?
Ami: The question is, what are you doing running when it's 105 degrees out?
Tom: Wait a minute... the Japanese use Celsius, and Ami just stated that it
was one hundred five degrees... wow, it IS hot enough to fry an egg today!
The screen splits into two parts, one with a purple hue covering half of
Mani's fac, the other leaving her face normal.
Joel: Oh no! That's not Mani! That's TWO-FACE!
Crow: The secret of Mani... she's a Revlon girl!
She looks at Mamoru.
Mani: (whispered to herself) I know him. I know i know him. He is Tuxedo
Kamen! I know he is!
Tom: <Mani> And I know that I know that I know him but do they know
that I know that I know him? I know, I'll ask them if they know him like
I know him, you know?
Crow: <Mamoru> Ooh, my reputation seems to have preceded me! Would
you like a rose?
Tom: <Mani> And the little pink-haired girl... she must be Tenjou Utena!
How goes the duels?
Mani looks a little longer as they talk a bit in the background.
All: <singing> So, look a little longer, let's talk a little longer, let's
kiss
a
little longerrrrr... longer with Big Red!
The screen returns to normal.
Tom: Boy, that split screen thing really made an impact, didn't it?
Joel: <Author> Hey! Who messed with my screensaver?!?
Toni: Hello? Ground control to Major Mani. Come in Major Mani, over.
Crow: Toni Bowie... naah, doesn't work.
Joel: Toni Stardust maybe....
Mani: Hmm?
Boni: Introduce yourself, dim-wit!
Mani: Oh, right. Konnichiwa. Watashi wa Mani desu.
Tom: Shouldn't that be, "Watashi wa dim-wit desu"?
Crow: Je'm appelle bite me.
Mani bows deeply towards Mamoru.
Mamoru: Hello.
Mani continues looking at Mamoru.
Joel: Man, so far this fanfic is like a improv sketch that went nowhere.
Crow: <Ami> Whose line is it anyway?
Tom: Well, all they need now is to bring Usagi back to provide the laugh
track.
He waves a hand in front of her eyes. Her eyes focus and refocus.
Then she blurts out somehting in an acient language.
Tom: <Mani> Veni vidi vici!
Joel: <Mani> Ack! Chee! Eek! Oop!
Crow: <Mamoru> Gesundheit!
Toni: Sheesh not that again!
Chibi-Usa blinks as Mani starts to speak the jiberish.
Crow: Uh-oh, she's talking politics....
Joel: <Toni> Boni, get the electro-shock equipment. She's vaporlocked
again.
Tom: And, further enforcing the "spore" theory, this means that Chibi-Usa
doesn't normally need to blink.
Boni takes ahold of Mani's shoulders.
Crow: <Boni> Hollow shoulders?!? These went out of style three years ago!
Joel: <Mani> But they're perfect for transporting cats!
Boni: What? What do you see? (this was spoken in the same language,
but the overlay voice speaks this.)
Tom: Umm... WHAT overlay voice now?
Joel: So the overlay voice speaking the same language as Boni? Which
language would that be?
Crow: Dubbese.
Mani: I see a mask, a monster, and Io and Europa, surrounded by elements.
Tom: <Mani> And then I see myself surrounded by a bunch of men wearing
white uniforms and carrying nets....
Joel: Well, considering the vacuum of space, two moons of Jupiter really
aren't
SURROUNDED by elements...
Crow: Yeah, just bitter memories of ex-boyfriends.
(In same language.)
Boni: Is that all? (in the same language)
Mani: No. I see Tuxedo Kamen. (in the same langueag)
Crow: This fic sucks in ANY language! What the HELL is going on?!?
Joel: Easy, Crow, easy... it's too early to pass judgment yet.
Boni gasps.
Boni: Are you sure? (in japanese)
Mani: Hai. When I see something, it is always true.
Tom: Evidently, Mani's never caught a magic act in Vegas.
Joel: Or a three-card monte dealer.
You should know.
(in japanese)
Crow: <Mani> We ARE speaking Japanese! Leave us alone already, willya!
Tom: The author was so enthused to footnote the Japanese earlier, why not
teach us more now?
Mamoru: "See something"?
Toni: Okay, so you saw him, big deal.
Crow: <Toni> I'll have you know I tought I saw a puddy tat!
Joel: <Boni> I saw London... I saw France... I saw Tux-Boy in his
underpants!
All: Ewwwww!
>Ami: Maybe we should take this discussion elsewhere?
Crow: Hell, *ANYWHERE* would be an improvement!
Tom: <Ami> I'm sick of this topic, let's talk about sex, baby!
Joel: <Tybalt> This topic is banned. Please take it to private discussion.
Tom: Spoilsport.
Mamoru: I think that would be a good idea.
Boni: I second that motion...
Tom: <Boni> We endorse perfect parliamentary procedures.
Crow: <Ami> I'd like to make a motion for a new fanfic!
Joel: <chuckling> You never quit, do you?
Crow: Damn straight.
3. Ext. Rei's Temple. Midday/Early afternoon.
Tom: <Usagi> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Crow: Well, which is it? Lunchtime or Tea time?
Joel: <Makoto> Hey Rei, when did you trade in the Hikawa Shrine for your
*own temple*?!
Rei: So, do you really think they'll show up soon?
Tom: <Minako> I dunno, should I call Chippendales and make sure they
got the address right?
Crow: Heh.
Shira: Knowing those three, they'll be here the minute we need 'em.
The only problem is, we don't need them right now.
Shoko: Right. We need a situation in which we need them.
Tom: And if you call us right now, you'll be given the opportunity to help
out this needy fanfic and others like it. For only 15 cents a day, you can
provide needy fanfics with basic necessities like plot, characterization and
conflicts... you can write to your fanfic as often as you like or not at
all....
Joel: <Shira> I got it! I'll start trashing the downtown area and you show
up
to chase me away! Hey, it's one way to kill an afternoon....
Usagi, who is looking the way the others have their backs to, looks
really frightened, her eyes growing wide. O.o
Joel: <Author> See? That's what her eyes looked like!
Tom: O dot o? Is that yet more Japanese?
Rei looks over at Usagi.
Rei: what's your problem Usagi. Usagi? Hello?
Usagi points behind them.
Tom: <Usagi> T-t-there's s-someone... STARING... at us....
Joel: <Rei> Huh?
Tom: <Usagi> THERE! That p-person sitting at the k-k-keyboard!
WHO ARE YOU?!?
Usagi: Y-youma be-behind you.
Rei: Yeah, right. i'll believe i... (looks behind her) Okay. I
believe you...
All: <imitating muted trumpet> Wah-wah-wah-wah....
Joel: Boy, those poor Sailor Senshi barely ever see Yuuichiro anymore, don't
they?
>Shira and shoko turn in unison. The peer at the goo-like monster.
Tom: All right, get em, peer! Kick him out of the IRC channel!
Joel: <Shira> Stay-puft! How many times have we told you not to follow us
when we leave the house?
The goo slowly forms into a humanoid form, carrying a sword.
Crow: <Makoto> Hey, he looks like my old sempai!
Tom: Gourry Gabriev, in a crossover that will warm your heart and
mess up the carpet...
Crow: <goo> I... am... looking... for... Ohtori... Academy...
Shoko: (in the same ancient language Mani was speaking, with the
overlay)
Joel: Which we still have yet to identify.
Tom: And what the heck is this 'overlay' anyway? Bob Vila, won't you
help us?
Morph Intsu! Oh, no, he must've followed us here! Shira, we need to
trans-
form, but we donot know if we can trust these people.
Joel: <Shira> Wondertwin powers, activate!
Shira: I'd much rather take my chances with these nice people! Europa
Gem Power, Make Up!
Crow: <Shoko> Cubic Zirconium Gem, Make Up!
Tom: <Makoto> Funny, I don't remember outsourcing my powers to some
stupid backwater moon!
Crow: <Usagi> HEY!!
Shira reaches into her pocket and pulls out a jewel. Her clothes melt
away as her tiger-eye gem glows. Her Sailor outfit forms around her,
consisting of the shades in her gem. She places the jewel on her forehead
and a tiara forms around it.
Tom: <Shira> Ow ow ow! Too tight! Too tight!
Crow: An author who spells "tiara" right. I might faint from shock...
Shoko: Oh, well, may as well follow in suit...
Joel: Clubs, Diamonds, Hearts, Spades?
Crow: Nah, Armani.
Io Gem Power, Make up!
Joel: Sure that isn't I/O Gem Power?
Tom: Hacker senshi! The new Sailor Senshi for the twenty-first century!
Joel: <singing> Superhuman Samurai Senshi Syber Squad!
Crow: From Saban!
Shoko reaches into her pocket and pulls out a jewel. Her clothes melt
away as her opal gem glows. Her Sailor outfit forms around her, consisting
of
the shades in her gem. She places the jewel on her forhead and a tiara
forms around it.
Tom: Opal gem? That could be green, that could be black...
Joel: The magic of copy and paste...
Crow: Does away with tedious typing jobs in an instant!
Tom: Able to reproduce entire paragraphs in a single click!
Shoko and Shira in unison: We are the Sailor Senshi, Sailor Io and
Europa! In the name of the United Moons, we shall eleminate evil, and
that means you!
Crow: <goo> Eleminate? Ooo, sounds funky!
Joel: <Rei> You're going to squeeze him into a little card and cover him
with
plastic?
Tom: <Sailor Io> No, not "laminate"!
Crow: <Minako> Oh, you're going to ease his burdens?
Tom: <Sailor Io> No, not alleviate! Look, just forget it!
Usagi: Hey! That's my line! Moon Crystal Power, Make Up!
Rei: Mars Star Power, Make Up!
Ami, Mamoru, chibi-usa and the others run in.
Joel: <Ami> Whew! That was close! Almost missed our cues!
Tom: Gee, and after Ami berated Mamoru for running in the one hundred
five degree weather...
Ami: Mercury Star Power, Make Up!
Minako: Venus Star power, Make up!
Makoto: Jupiter Star Power, Make up!
Mamoru suddenly runs off.
Crow: <Mamoru> I just remembered I'm a wuss! Seeya!
Tom: <singing> Sir Mamoru bravely ran away! He bravely ran away away!
Joel: Poor Mamoru, his tux was at the dry-cleaners...
<<< Typical Sailor Transformations. >>>
Joel: ...will not be seen today as our budget ran out a few seconds ago.
Crow: Must have blown it on the language tutor.
Sailor Europa: See, what'd I tell ya, Rei?
Sailor Mars: I have to say, you were right..
Tom: <Sailor Mars> It's in my contract.
Crow: <Sailor Europa> Damn straight, I was right! Give me my props!!
Joel: <Sailor Mars> Would you settle for Usagi's? I hear it's pretty funny.
Boni: M-morpher Intsu! Phobos Gem Power, Make Up!
Mani: Mimas Gem Power, Make up!
Toni: Triton Gem Power, Make Up!
Tom: Oh, lessee... Boni's using the power of Rei's pet crow... Mani's now
got
*the touch*, and Toni is backed by the name of hydrogen?
Crow: I'd be Rei's pet... hell, I'd be her Huckleberry!
Joel: Thank you, Val Kilmer.
Boni reaches for her granite jewel, Mani her pearl, and Toni her jade.
The same transformations as Sailor Io and Europa except with different
jewels
Joel: Like crown, royal, family, those kinds.
Crow: Granite jewel? What the hell?!
Tom: <Author> I can't even be bothered to cut and paste, heck you know what
those transformations look like by now!
Crow: So, ah... we're now at ten Sailor Senshi, wouldn't that usually be
termed
"overkill"?
Sailor Phobos: Morpher Intsu. How dare you interupt our expadition of
Earth!
Sailor Moon: Hold on a sec. Expadition of earth? COuld you explain that?
Crow: Yeah, COuld you please?
Sailor Mimas: No time! Right now, we need to deal with this poor excuse
for a glob of gook.
Joel: Hey, that's mean! Sure, he's no Pizza the Hut, but he's trying his
best!
Tom: <Sailor Moon> Umm... in that case, fire at will, senshi! We trust
these
newcomers outright! Who needs explanations and reasons?
Morph Intsu: So, do you think you can escape me? Now that we know your
base is on Charon, we can destroy the United Moon kingdom, giving us the
power to destroy the rest of the Moon Kingdom.
Crow: So, the Moon Kingdom isn't really UNITED then, is it?
Tom: <Sailor Europa> Wha!? How did YOU know our base was on Charon?!?
Crow: <Morph Intsu> Fool! I peeked ahead in the story! MWAHAHAHAHA!!
Joel: <Morph Intsu> Ever since Mister Sinister became my agent, I had to
settle
for these stupid roles...
Sailor Moon: You're gonna have to get past me and my friends before
you'll be able to do that!
Sailor Io: And you'll have to get past us too!
Joel: <Sailor Io> We'll fight alongside them but be damned if we
befriend them!
Crow: <Mamoru> And don't forget me! But get through them first, 'kay?
Tom: Oops, we'll have to pause this epic battle for now, guys. It's
breaktime!
Crow: Cool! Can I smoke em?
Joel: Do you got em?
Crow: Well... no.
Joel: Guess you're out of luck then.
Crow: Dang.
Joel: Don't worry, I've got a great idea on how we can pass the time.
Tom: Uh-oh, I smell a song parody coming on....
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Things were hectic on the bridge of the Satellite as Joel and the bots
hustled to move the counter off to the side to make room for the four
microphones now taking center stage. Joel was wearing a special calypso
style jumpsuit while Tom and Crow had to settle for Hawaiian shirts and
leis.
Gypsy arrived a moment later, made up, with a flower pasted to the side
of her head and a pair of bongo drums glued to her waist for effect. Joel
tapped each of the mikes to make sure they were working before taking his
place behind the lead mike.
"Testing, one two, one two, hey everyone, welcome back!" Joel exclaimed
as the others stood behind the other mikes. "So far, we've survived the
first
part of 'The Io Saga' but we still have a long way to go so I thought a
little
song
could help cheer us up and give us the strength to survive the other three
parts!"
"Yeah, sure, Joel. Next thing you know, you'll be telling us we'll feel
better
if we
whistle..." Crow retorted sarcastically.
"Aw, come on, don't be like that." Joel pouted.
"I'm excited about it, Joel!" Gypsy offered happily.
"Easy for you to say, you don't even have to go in the theater! You
don't know what's it's like for us, man! All those words and sentences,
having
to be witty and funny all the time, never knowing when a joke's gonna bomb
like
Letterman's Oprah/Uma fiasco! It's a bug hunt, man, a bug hunt! Oh, the
humanity! OH, THE....!"
"Whoa, whoa! Take it easy, Tom! Is it really that tough for you?
Joel asked, concerned.
"Wellllll... OK, maybe I exaggerated just a *tad*...." Tom chuckled.
"Speaking of jokes that bombed...." Crow muttered.
"Guys... come on, we only have a couple of minutes here. Let's do our
song and see how it goes, okay?" Joel pleaded with them.
"Okay." Crow and Tom replied simultaneously.
"Gypsy, you ready, girl?" Joel asked with a smile.
"Ready, Joel!" Gypsy replied.
<Sung to the tune of Day-O (Banana Boat Song) by Harry Belafonte, Lord
Burgess and Bill Attaway>
Joel: Ayeeeeee-o!
Aye,yi,yi-o!
Io come and we wan' go home...
Aye! we say aye, we say aye, we say aye, we say aye, we say aye-yi-yi-o...
Io come and we wan' go home...
Tom: MST all night on a drink a'coke!
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Crow: Read thee fanfic till the morning broke!
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Come, Dr. Forrester, monitor my mind now...
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Crow: Come, TV's Frank, and, push the shiny button now...
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
All: It's two parts, three parts, four parts, D'OH!
(Io come and we wan' go home)
Two parts, three parts, four parts, D'OH!
(Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Aye! We say Ay, yi, yi-o!
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Aye! We say aye, we say aye, we say aye, <fade> we say aye, we say
aye....
All: (Io come and wan' go home)
Tom: A beautiful bunch a'ripe new senshi!
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Gypsy: Hide thee gooey Morpher Intsu!
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
All: It's two parts, three parts, four parts, D'OH!
(Io come and we wan' go home)
Two parts, three parts, four parts, D'OH!
(Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Aye, we say aye-yi-yi-o
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Aye, we say aye, we say aye, we say aye <fade> we say aye, we say aye
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Come, Dr. Forrester, monitor my mind now
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Crow: Come, TV's Frank, and, push the shiny button now
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Ayeeeeee-o!
Aye,yi,yi-o!
All: (Io come and we wan' go home)
Joel: Aye, we say aye, we say aye, we say aye, we say aye, we say
aye-yi-yi-o!
All: (Io come and we wannnnn' gooooo hommmmme)
"Strictly speaking, Joel, aren't we all home anyway?" Crow inquired.
"Ah, shut up." Tom retorted.
"What da ya think, sirs?" Joel asked expectantly.
* * *
DEEP 13
"Oh, very cute, Joel Belafonte! Now, get back in that theater, you
Tito Puente wannabes! Cause this story's only begun! Send them the next
part, Frank."
"Come, TV's Frank, and, push the shiny button now..." Frank sang,
swaying back and forth.
"FRANK!!!"
"Yes, dear! I'm doing it dear!" Frank quickly replied as he scurried
over to the file cabinet while muttering something about a cow under his
breath.
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE IO SAGA' PT. 2....
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other mutiple
part
MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come, so don't skip it or
you'll
only be missing out on some great riffs and skits. ;)
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 30: THE IO SAGA PT. 2
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"The Io Saga" is the property of Sarah J. Gates and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
* * *
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move
on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
Morpher Intsu: Ha! Without the Charon and Miranda teams, you can't do
squat to stop me!
Crow: Oh, just throw some salt at him and be done with it!
Tom: There are whole roving BATTALIONS of Moon Senshi now? Yikes...
the Moon Kingdom's got a veritable hit squad!
Joel: There must not be even one NORMAL schoolgirl in Tokyo left!
Sailor Triton: Ah, but that's where you're wrong. We have the inner
senshi to help stop you.
Tom: <Sailor Moon> And exactly when did WE become the junior varsity?!
Joel: <Haruka> Hey, what about me and Michiru?
Crow: <Sailor Io> You warm that bench and warm it good!
Morpher Intsu: I'd much rather destroy you now than prolong your wait
for your deaths...
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Aw, come on, we always kill our foes before we get
to know them. Let's have some ice cream and chat for a spell first?
Whaddayasay?
Sailor Io: Io Opal Staff!
Sailor Io pulls the opal out of her tiara as it turns into a small opal
rain-
drop that extends itself into an opal staff. Sailor Io idly twirls her
staff.
Tom: Hey, I got an umbrella like that!
Joel and Crow: <sweatdrop>
Sailor Europa: Europa Tiger's Claw!
Crow: Who died and made you Wing Commander?
Sailor Europa removes the tiger-eye jewel from her tiara as it turns
into a small tiger-eye raindrop. It extends itself into a sickle that
Sailor
Europa twirls idly.
Joel: Thank god for baton twirling lessons!
Tom: And therefore, it'd be no big deal for Intsu to hit either the sickle
or
the staff away from either Senshi. Good strategy!
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Hey! We're supposed to get beat for about five minutes
before pulling out our awesome weapons! No fair!
Sailor Mimas: Mimas Pearl Sword!
Sailor Mimas's jewel becomes a sword which she twirls idly.
Joel: <Sailor Mimas> Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. *yawn* Thundercats. Ho.
Tom: Why does even need a sword when she's got the Mimas touch?
Sailor Triton: Triton Jade Spear!
Sailor Triton's jewel becomes a jade spear.
Joel: Finally! Someone that takes their weapon handling seriously!
Crow: And poor Phobos is revealed to have a pair of pinking shears,
solidifying
her role as the butt of the Silver Millennium jokes.
Sailor Phobos: Phobos granite Axe!
Sailor Phobos's gem becomes a large, heavy looking, granite axe.
Tom: Try giving THAT a idle twirl, eh?
Crow: Heehee... so she's now Paul Bunyan?
Joel: Meanwhile, Jupiter had already zapped the goo and the inner senshi
were
just taking in the show.
Sailor Mercury: Umm, do you mind telling us what is going on?
Tom: <Sailor Venus> Aww, come on Mercury! Enjoy yourself! They're gonna
do all the work and we get to relax for a change!
Sailor Triton: Like we said, no time! We need to take car of this creep!
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Not my gold Porsche! Nooooo!
Crow: <Sailor Pluto> Time? Did someone say time?
Morpher Intsu: Morpher Trident!
Tom: ...gum, recommended by four out of five dentists!
Crow: Boy, usually when people yell things like this they actually try to..
y'know...
ATTACK each other... yet we're still standing around. Any reason for that,
fic?
Morpher Intsu holds up his hand and a grayish trident forms in it. It
is large and around it is a small, blackish glow.
Tom: <Sailor Io> Ha! I've blown up Bubbalicious, doubled my pleasure
decimating Doublemint, and humbled Hubba Bubba! Your puny gum
doesn't impress me!
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> Is that so. Well, mine has the POWER OF GINGIVITIS!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
>Sailor Moon: I'll take care of this gooey guy!
Crow: Hey, when did this become a lemon?
Joel: Crow....
Moon Princes...
Sailor Mimas: NOOO! Energy attacks make him stronger! Only hand-to-hand
combat can hurt him, if you can get close enough.
Tom: <Sailor Moon> Okay then. Makoto, you start slapping around Rei
and I'll kick Sailor Io repeatedly in the head.
Joel: <Sailor Mimas> Um, I meant hand-to-hand combat with the pile of goo.
Tom: <Sailor Moon> Oh.
Sailor Io charges Morpher Intsu with her staff ahead of her. She
manages to jam her staff in his stomach.
Tom: <Sailor Io> Aw, crap, it's stuck! Uhhh, little help here, please?
Joel: Whoa! An actual attack involving a physical action? Cool!
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Hey, you! Didn't I just say that this one would be MY
FRAG? Huh?!
M. Intsu: Arg! Youll pay for that!
Crow: Ten million dollars in punitive damages and another five million for
pain and suffering!
Joel: M. Intsu? Is that anything like M. Bison?
Tom: <M. Intsu> All who oppose me will be sticky!
Morpher Intsu brings his trident crashing down towards Sailor Io's
head. Sailor Europa holds her sickle out to catch it. Sailor Jupiters
comes from behind and jams her elbow into his back.
Joel: Jupiters? When was she cloned?
Crow: Okay, I let "idly" go... but "jams" now? Hey author, could you use a
thesaurus?
M. Intsu: Aaah!
He slings his trident around, catching sailor Io and Europa.
Sailor Io: Itai*...
[Itai, Ouch/ow]
Tom: Oh goodie, the translator is back.
Joel: I'd give Tom's soul for a Babel fish about now...
Crow: <Harry Caray> I can't believe it! He caught 'em at the warning track,
stealing a home run away from Slammin' Sammy... Holy cow!
S. Mimas: _My_ turn now!
Joel: <S. Mimas> Eight... nine... ten! Boardwalk with two hotels!? Aw,
shoot!
Tom: <Sailor Io> RENT! Hahaha!
Sailor Mimas charges M. Intsu head on with her sword. M. Intsu makes a
hole in his body where the sword should go in.
Crow: <M. Intsu> There! Now you can puncture my vital organs much more
quickly!
s. Mimas comes to a screeching halt befor she punctures S. Jupiter.
Joel: <S. Jupiter> Nice brakes! Do you also go by Sailor Midas?
Crow: It's the return of S. Jupiter! Now where's Godzilla to finish this
off?
Tom: You know, reducing a character's first name to a letter actually helps
me care about them more when they're fighting for their lives!
S. Mars: Does fire work on him?
S. Phobos: You bet! Last time he got near it, he was scorched for a week
Tom: Uh, didn't Mimas say earlier only hand-to-hand combat could hurt him?
Joel: <S. Mars> Ooh, how about some Cajun pan-blackened Intsu? I have
some new recipes!
Crow: <S. Moon> And exactly WHEN were you planning to share that fact with
the rest of us?
S. phobos swings her axe at M. Intsu.
Tom: <S. Phobos> HERE'S... JOHNNY!!!
Crow: <S. Phobos> You know, I never wanted to be a sailor senshi... I always
wanted... TO BE A LUMBERJACK!
Joel: She's going to chop chop chop her way to firmer hips and thighs!
Sailor Mars: Alright then! Burning Mandala!
<<< Sailor Mars's Burning Mandala attack. >>>
M. Intsu falls to his knees and becomes a large glob of gook again.
Crow: Huh... so, ah... ten Sailor Senshi were needed to deal with *this*?
Tom: <Mamoru, peeking from behind a table> Is it g-gone?
Joel: <Author> Don't worry though, we have... uhh, we have...
[whispers off-screen] Hey, is our next enemy done cooling yet?
Morpher Intsu: You'll pay for that! You haven't seen the last of Morph
Intsu!
No way!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> A little magic baking powder and I'll be kicking
ass again in no time!
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> I've signed on for thirty six more episodes! You've
only BEGUN to see me return! Mwahahaha!
Sailor Triton digs her spear into the ground where M. Intsu's face
should be.
He recoils.
Crow: <M. Intsu> Ouch! Ooh! Not the pointy thing! That's not fair! Ow!
Joel: <Sailor Triton> Maybe if I keep picking at him, he'll never heal!
Tom: So all our evildoer was capable of was eliciting a groan of Japanese
from
one of his TEN opponents?
Joel: Finally, a villain Murray the Skull can feel superior to!
S. Triton: Just get one thing straight, you overgrown muddy puddle, you
will not defeat the Io team, or the rest of the Senshi. Got that?
Crow: <M. Intsu> Oh yeah! Well, mess with me and I'll... I'll... I'll get
your shoes REALLY DIRTY! Yeah! That'll learn ya!
Tom: And he instantly forms himself into a mud pie and throws himself at
Triton's face. Hilarity ensues.
M. Intsu: Believe me, I will get what I want.
M. Intsu melts into the ground.
Joel: Well, at least he didn't scream 'Ohh, what a world, what a world....'
Tom: <M. Intsu> I shall... POLLUTE TOKYO'S IMPECCABLY CLEAN GROUND!!
Crow: Wow, he's a bit late for that one.
Sailor Venus: Now, will you guys mind telling us what that was about,
and what in the world is the Io team?
Crow: <Sailor Mimas> We're repo women! Get it, "I O"? Hahaha!!
Tom: <Sailor Io> Sorry, no time for that! We've got to go home and get
some sleep! Bye-bye!
Sailor Io: We'll answer the second question first. I am the captain of the
Io
team, a group of Sailor Senshi, named the moon senshi because of what we
rep-
resent, the many moons of the solar system.
Tom: So, the logical conclusion is that every little piece of space-junk is
going
to get a Senshi?
Joel: I am Sailor Hubble!
Crow: I am Sailor Sputnik! In the name of Mother Russia, I vill right
wrongs and triumph over the evil American pig-dog capitalists!
Sailor Phobos: Hai. The Io team is just a part of a larger group called
the
United Moons, a small off-shoot of the Moon Kingdom.
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Hey, I remember them! Those damned rebel
separatists! PREPARE TO BE FRIED!!
Sailor Europa: Right. The other teams are Miranda and Charon teams.
When they work together, we can normally fight 10 morphers and win over all
of them
Joel: If they're all as easy as Instu, I'm not surprised!
Crow: Light a match... and then, Ooopa!
Tom: <Sailor Io> The Miranda team routinely brings the kerosene... and the
Charon teams bring the charcoal. Then we just get a cookout going!
Sailor Jupiter: Wow. That sounds like your kingdom is powerful.
Joel: <Sailor Europa> You'd think so, wouldn't you? Actually, we're a
disorganized mess most of the time and we lost five other senshi in the
last week alone....
Crow: The rotating door policy....
Sailor Moon sits there, thinking.
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Boy, I sure could go for some comics about now....
Crow: <Sailor Mars> Hey, Sailor Rodin! Either shake your jello on that
table or start looking for another job!
S. Moon: Hey! I think I remember Mom saying something about the United
Moons, and the Moon Senshi. She said they were ones we could trust, should
we need help.
Tom: Mrs. Tsukino related these stories to Sailor Moon? What is this? Does
this mean that Haruna-sensei teaches the history of the Moon Kingdom in
class
as well?
Joel: Don't be silly. She's busy training the Sailor Star Lights with
Motoki
and Umino.
S. Mimas: We used to know your mother. She helped us organize or forces
on Charon so no one would suspect where we are, leaving us with a good
stronghold
Tom: ...but no atmosphere.
Joel: <S. Mimas> Either those curtains go or we do!
S. triton: But now, Morpher Intsu has the location of out base. We
don't stand a chance against our enimies now.
Tom: <S. triton> Hell, we can't even spel correctly! How can we possibly
defeet our enemees without propir spelling?!?
Crow: How DID he find that out anyway?
Joel: Did they just pose as Chinese take-out delivery persons? Or did they
break into the solar system's mail and see the return addresses?
We were hoping to get help from the inner senshi, but we didn't know
who they were. All we knew was that they were in Tokyo.
Crow: So, by pure chance, they found the five people out of twenty-two
million that were the Inner Senshi. Yeah, that works.
Tom: <Sailor Io> We were planning on robbing banks and savagely beating the
elderly till we got your attention... but I think things worked out better
this
way,
don't you?
Sailor Moon: Well, you can count on us to help you! especially since
you once helped us.
Joel: <Sailor Mars> Sure, I was the one that actually finished it off, but
your
tip,
late as it was, certainly saved us... though it's possible I would have used
a
fire
attack and discovered his weakness regardless... but what the hey, thanks
anyway!
S. Io: Thank you, Princess. We are forever in your debt
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Heh, wait till you get our bill.
Each Moon Senshi replaces their gem and return to normal along with
the rest of the Senshi.
Crow: Sweatier and wiser than before.
Tom: So without the second name, are we referring to them as just letters
now?
Crow: Well, if Luna allows it, they will simply be known as "sh".
Usagi: If energy attacks don't work on that Intsu glob, I won't be
much of a help.
Shoko: Shira, maybe you should handle this?
Tom: <Shira> OK, here goes... Usagi, you're completely useless to us! Now
run away in tears and never darken our towels again!
Shira: Sure! I can have Boni convert your wand into a better weapon
against him.
Boni: Usagi, May I see your wand?
Usagi gets out her wand.
Joel: <Usagi> Here you go. I find it works best when you wave it over an
empty top hat and yell 'Abra Cadabra!' or 'A-la Peanutbuttersandwiches!'
Usagi: Sure, just don't lose it. I don't have a spare.
Boni: DOn't worry, I'd never lose something like that.
Crow: <Boni> I'll just sneak it up my...
Joel: Crow!
Crow: <Boni> ...sleeve.
Boni smiles like: ^_^
Crow: I grimace like ~_~;
Tom: I roll my eyes like 9_9
Joel: How can you guys say that with such an alpha-numeric face?
She takes the wand and her transformation jewel out.
The gem glows and the wand is sucked in with the sand in an hourglass
effect.
Crow: <John Candy> Nice dissolve.
Tom: Not to be confused with the planet in a black hole effect.
Joel: Or any food in front of Rosie O'Donnell effect.
Boni: Gem Process Action.
The granite jewel glows.
Crow: Still haven't explained the granite jewel thing....
Joel: Yeah, it'd work much better to be quartz or feldspar...
Boni's Jewel: Converting energy, Phobos. Please wait... Estimating
time for a complete process...
Boni taps her foot.
Tom: <Boni> I got the music inside me....
Joel: <Usagi> Sorry about that, it takes a while to defrag the moon wand.
Boni: I really eed to upgrade that thingy...
Crow: <Boni> It doesn't crash half as much as it should!
Boni's Jewel: Aproxomate conversion time: 10 days minimum.
Shira: Nani*? Can't you speed it up?
[Nani, what]
Joel: <Shira> Give it the gas!
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> Damn it, senshi! I'm a jewel, not a Ferrari!
Boni's Jewel: No. If you wish a proper conversion, I must have 10
days. Live with it.
Tom: Oooh, looks like something's copped an attitude.
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> It needs to be baptized and indoctrinated. That
takes TIME.
Shira: Hey! YOu really need to be replaced, you overgrown granite chip!
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> Do I have to expound on the premise of length? Will
you
finally figure out how idiotic you are and give up? It'd make life easier
for
all involved.
Tom: Does this mean that the fic is now "rock stupid"?
Boni: Oi, oi, oi*! Stop it! Gem, just convert, Shira, don't bug my gem,
'kay?
[oi, hey]
Tom: <singing> Oi oi oi... kore de Fatto Arubaato!
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> You can't possibly replace me, I've got more acting
range than the ten of you combined.
Joel: Sailor Senshi and their transformation jewels! Next on "Divorce
Court"!
Gem: Converting.
Boni puts the gem back in her pocket.
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> Oooh, I can convert MUCH better in here! I can
even see God! Woo-hoo!
Joel: <Boni> That's it! The second you're done, it's the pawn shop for you!
Usagi looks around.
Usagi: Hey, where'd Mamoru go?
Ami shrugs.
Ami: He just ran off with Chibi-Usa.
Joel: And that gets the award for "worst mental image".
Crow: Oh NO... It's Virgin Warrior Sailor Moon revisited! AHHHHHHH!!!
Tom: I'm still waiting for our next Japanese lesson. Gotta practice... oi
oi
oi oi oi oi oi... itai itai itai itai... gomen gomen gomen gomen...
Makoto: That's not like him. Sure he tries to avoid you, but he
wouldn't just run off when you're in trouble.
Crow: <Ami> Mamoru's trying to avoid me? This is news?
Joel: <Minako> He said something about visiting the florist and grabbing
his guitar... wonder if he's a hippie?
Crow: <Yuuichiro> All right! Welcome to the club, man!
Toni looks over to Mani.
Toni: you're the one with the sight, why don't you shed some light on this?
Crow: <Mani> You're the one with the taste, why don't you BITE ME?
Joel: So the other senshi are blind then?
Tom: <Cab Calloway> And now ladies and gentlemen, it is the distinct
pleasure
of the management to present to you, the evening's star attraction. Here
they
are, back after their exclusive three year tour of Pluto, Uranus and the sub
cosmos. Won't you welcome from the United Moon Kingdom, the show band of
Team 'Illinois' Io and Europa... The Blues Senshi!
Mani: I don't think that was him. Remember when he turned off because
he said he needed to get something?
Ami: Yes...
Tom: No... when did THIS happen?
Crow: Dammit, who turned the Mamoru off? We lost all the information!
Mani: I don't think that was him that came back. I didn't see Tuxedo Kamen
when I tried to look at him again. Instead, I saw a ball mask, implying
some-
one from the Morpher's Underground.
Tom: Actually, a ball mask implies "Major League Catcher". Number 8,
don'tcha know... also known as "Today".
Crow: <Abbott> Who's the catcher?
Joel: <Costello> Today.
Crow: <Abbott> Yeah, today!
Joel: <Costello> Exactly.
Minako: Why didn't you tell us?
Mani: I didn't know you could be trusted. At the time, I was too
worried to try to look at you or any of the others and find out if you
could be trusted.
Joel: <Mani> Plus I've been told I have a bit of a staring problem....
Tom: Shouldn't Usagi worry about whether or not *THESE PEOPLE*
should be trusted?
Crow: <Usagi> But they're dressed like us! How could they NOT be
sailor senshi?
Usagi: Well, later is better than never, I guess....
Rei: In you're case, be glad that saying is in effect most places...
Usagi: Hey!
Joel: Rei became known for the lengths she'd go to insult Usagi.
Crow: <Rei> You know, your name means "rabbit" in Japanese, but
you're the complete opposite!!
Tom: <Usagi> Ooh, zinged me again... heh... you can stop now....
Crow: <Rei> And you have yellow hair. Yellow usually means caution,
but you never exercise it!
Tom: <Usagi> Shut up! Stop it! Ami, make her stop! Wahhhhhhh!!!
ami: Stop fighting you two. This may be very serious!
Crow: You're faced with a group of villains that can be defeated by a flick
of
your Bic lighter, and this is *serious*?
Shira: Ami's right. I believe this _is_ very serious.
Mani nods.
Joel: <Mani> I fully endorse the idea of seriousness and the premise that
this
must not be taken lightly!
Tom: <Shira> INDEED!
Mani: My guess is that he is a morpher, above Intsu's rank.
Shoko: Hmm... That could mean big trouble.
Toni: One morpher's enough, but two? This is terrible.
Joel: <Boni> Why... we might have to use Rei's attack... TWICE!
Tom: Hell, there's TEN of you! Just arm yourself with a book of matches
from the local Seven-Eleven!
Rei: So you're saying Mamoru was captured, then replaced by a glob of
gooey gook, like the one we just faught, right?
Shira: I guess you could put it that way...
Crow: <Tuxedo Kamen> *clatter* Transforming from goo is an unforgivable
offense, as is defacing the floor of a sacred temple! Senshi, take heart,
you
can defeat this monster!
Tom: <Makoto> Oh, ABOUT TIME you showed up! Enjoy your run, Tux-Boy?
Usagi: Waaaah! Tuxedo Kamen has been replaced with a muddy puddle!
Waaaah
Joel: <Usagi> Now, I'll be reduced to Makoto's level, pining over lost
boyfriends!
Tom: <Makoto> Hey!
Joel: <Usagi> Oh wait, I can just go back to chasing Motoki! How could I
forget?
Rei: Maybe you'll have better luck with the mud puddle than you have
had with the real Mamoru.
Usagi: Hey! I happened to have good luck with him, most of the time
at least..
Crow: <Usagi> Then again, he has been rather hesitant about me going down
on him lately....
Tom: <Usagi> Until he started reading that "Cream Lemon" manga... from
there, it was a short step to long lonely nights of him reading
"Urotsukidoji"
and
me generally cold and afraid...
Joel: Cheese it, spinach heads.
Shoko: What luck you'll have with the fake Mamoru is the least of our
problems.
Tom: <Usagi> Not to mention it's none of your business, Sailor Nosy!
>Normally, if two morphers are in place, more will probably come.
Joel: <whispering> IF YOU MORPH THEM, THEY WILL COME....
Crow: Through a weird and magical process known as... casual sex.
Tom: Wait up here, shouldn't all the morphers be busy going to Charon
to take out the main base anyway?
Crow: Yeah, why fight all the defense when it's on a planet more than
200 AUs away from your frigging target?!
Mani: I doubt more are coming, Shoko. I think these two are just
scouting out the people they need to get out of the way. They've already
got
Mamoru.
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> With Tux-Boy out of the way, the universe is ours!
Tom: What makes him so dang important anyway?
Joel: The Morphers must be firm believers in the domino theory.
Tom: The same theory that said that if Vietnam fell to the Communists, the
world will follow?
Joel: Natch.
Minako: Okay. they're here to get us out of the way and they've
already got Mamoru. That means only the Sailor Senshi is left to fight.
Tom: ...for their right to party!
Crow: How in HELL did these morphers capture Mamoru? He's still hiding
from the fight! Look under the Great Fire! Look in Rei's grandfather's
panty
collection! Check Yuuichiro's room! He's in the Hikawa shrine somewhere!
Makoto: That's going to be tough. Those morphers are hard nuts to beat.
Usagi: We may as well try our best. Then we can get Mamoru back.
Tom: <Makoto> And if we get lazy, eh, no big loss.
Luna pads in followed by Artemis.
Luna: We just saw the worst... (gets cut off.)
Tom: <Luna> ...movie in a long time! Some festering piece of crap called
'Vertical Limit'! Dear god, talk about a turd!
Joel: Don't give the Mads any ideas, Tom.
every human in unison: ...glob of gook you've ever seen, right?
Luna: How'd you know?
Ami: We just faught it.
Joel: <Ami> We aught to farmulate a caurse af actian.
Crow: <Rei> Um, are you okay, Ami?
Joel: <Ami> Dan't mind me, I just came back fram the dentist and he
numbed my jaw...
Luna: Are you sure it was the same one?
Minako: It probably was the one we faught, but there's no telling since two
of
them are running around.
Joel: And they're distinguishable how?
Tom: One of them uses contractions? How the hell should I know?!?
Crow: Luna must be outsourcing the "jumping to conclusions" function
she usually performs to the rest of the senshi.
Luna: There are two? Are they dangerous?
Makoto points to the place that they faught the morpher. it appears
that a great struggle happened there.
Crow: But we, the readers, know better.
Tom: <Luna> I can tell from these footprints and markings that a lot of
shouting took place....
Joel: <Rei> But all we wanted to do was dance!
Makoto: Does that answer your question?
Luna: I guess so...
Tom: <Luna> And you say that the plot fell into this hole in the floor?
Shira looks over at Luna.
Shira: Luna! I haven't seen you since Queen Serenity helped us with our
base
on Charon!
Luna: Shira? What are you doing here?
Joel: <Shira> I'm getting the band back together!
Crow: <Luna> Mission from God?
Joel: <Shira> No, gig at the Tokyo Dome!
Shira: They found our base. We came here to look for the inner
Senshi, but we weren't sure who they were.
Crow: <Luna> Well, why didn't you simply ask us?
Joel: <Shira> We weren't sure you were who you are either.
Tom: Y'know, I actually miss our Japanese lessons now.
Shoko: Right. I brought the Io team here to seek out somebody who
could help us. The Miranda and Charon teams high-tailed it to the
remains of the castle on the moon before they got caught. The
Underground's still clueless about where they are, but unless we can do
something, they won't be for long.
Joel: Shouldn't the underground be UNDERGROUND?
Tom: <Shoko> Damn that French Resistance! Deja Vu and Chocolate
Mousse never did tell us anything!
Artemis: That's terrible. Do you know where the underground army is now?
May-
be we can get to them before they get to the rest of the Moon Senshi.
Mani: They must be close, because of the ones here.
Crow: Maybe they should have named this 'The Vague Saga'?
Tom: <Usagi> The REST of the Moon Senshi? You guys stashed clones of me?!
Crow: <Artemis> Well, yeah. We got 'em cut-rate from Gendo Ikari.
Usagi: Maybe they just sent those to scout out who the need to get rid
of here and to find the other teams?
Toni: you may have something there...
Joel: <Usagi> A solid working theory?
Tom: <Toni> No, a cold. I suggest plenty of bedrest and fluids.
Crow: <Toni> You have an interrogative series of words meant to induce
contemplation and response. And you're full of crap.
Rei: Are you feeling okay, Usagi? I've never heard that good of an
idea from you.
Usagi: Rei!
Crow: <Usagi> Shhh! You're embarrassing me in front of the unior-jay
enshi-say! Ix-nay!
Tom: <Rei> Et-gay Ent-bay!
Joel: <Boni> Hey! How'd you guys know the ancient language?!
Ami: I agree with Toni. Usagi may actually have something there. I
know that would be the tactic I would use if I were in their position.
Tom: Ami Mizuno, well-versed in the military conflicts and intelligence of
the twentieth century...
Artemis: I agree too. That would be an easier way to do something like
that.
Crow: <Luna> Ar-te-MIS! Ex-cuuuuuze me?
Joel: <Artemis> Oh, uhh.... good idea that you implanted in Usagi's mind,
Luna!
Cut to:
4. Int. Castle. Day.
Joel: Usagi orders ten sliders to go with five sides of fries.
Tom: <Usagi> I'm not big on squares though... you got any trapezoid burgers?
Morpher Intsu: Morph Intsu reporting in, sir! I have located the Io team.
They are with the inner Sailor Senshi, and the Moon Princess.
Crow: <leader> So? Are we done here? OK, time to go after Charon!
Board the spaceships!
a female voice: Good work. I have been able to capture someone who
aids the Sailor Senshi.
M. Intsu: The High Underground Order will be glad to hear of that,
Morpher Inma.
Tom: <M. Intsu> As will the Oxymoron Pleonasm Order, I'm sure!
Joel: <M. Intsu> By the way, sir, what exactly are we doing with that Mamoru
guy
anyway? I heard the senshi say for a good half an hour that we had him....
Crow: <Morpher Inma> Mamoru? We didn't kidnap anyone named Mamoru!
M. Inma: Do you think I do not know that?
Morpher Intsu: Of course not! WHat do you take me for, an incompitent?
Morpher Inma: On occasion...
M. Intsu rolls his eyes.
Joel: Hey! How'd we get an insider's look at a Stonemason's meeting anyway?
Tom: <Morpher Intsu, singing> Who controls the British crown? Who keeps
the sailor senshi down?
All: <Morphers, singing> WE DO! WE DO!
Morpher Inma: Anyway, I have recieved orders from the High Underground
Order to summon some of the local allies of the underground.
M. Intsu: Okay, but who around here are our allies?
Joel: <Morpher Inma> Duh, I dunno. Ask around, see who's available, I
guess.
Crow: Local allies... the worms, moles, and badgers of Japan.
Tom: <Raul> Badgers?!? BADGERS?!? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING
BADGERS!!!
M. Inma: Baka*! There are many allies around here, such as the
remenants of the many youma Sailor Moon has managed to defeat.
We just have to find them and revive their powers along with their bodies.
Joel: <M. Intsu> Oh great, I get stuck with the graveyard shift again.
Tom: <M. Inma> We shall contact... Dr. von Frahnkenshteen!
[baka, idiot/fool/stupid]
Crow: All these words and more can't begin to describe this plot.
Joel: Hey! Notebooks out, there'll be a quiz at the end of the fic!
Crow: Thanks, I'll take the zero.
Morpher Intsu: Oh, right. We can always rely on old youma. I brought
some tools to inhance or even alter their powers as needed.
Morpher Inma: Good, Morpher Intsu. You will surely rise in rank for this.
Tom: <Morpher Inma> Perhaps even to the title of International Assistant
Director of Personnel!
Crow: <Morpher Carrey> Hey, that's my job, dammit!
cut to:
5. room surrounded by mirrors. day.
Crow: Huh, when'd we get to the Silky Doll?
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Hey, check out these kooky mirrors! I'm ten feet tall!
Ruebeus: I sense something in Tokyo. Petz.
Petz emerges from a mirror.
Petz: Yes? What do you need of me?
Crow: <Ruebeus> Could you shed a little and pee on my shoe?
Tom: <Petz> Way ahead of you, boss.
Ruebeus: Petz, I need you to go and look for something, possibly someone
>from even farther in the future than the one we are trying to capture.
Joel: Duck Dodgers in the twenty fourth and a half century?
Petz: Sure thing!
Petz walks back into a mirror.
Tom: <Petz> Oof!
Joel: <Ruebeus> Wait! Don't you want to know what you're looking for?
Crow: <Petz> Nah, I'll figure it out eventually.
6. Ext. Charm shop. midafternoon.
Tom: They sell charisma and wit. Oh yeah and bracelets. Lots of bracelets.
Crow: <Anthony Hopkins> Stand up straight... CHARRRRRRM....
Petz, disguised as a human, is looking around, not watching where she
is going.
Tom: Yes, the PERFECT way to navigate the busy Tokyo streets.
Joel: Suddenly, he dashes across the highway!
Tom: HONK! HONK! SCREEEEEEEEECH! *thump*
Crow: The moral? Always keep your petz on a short leash.
Morpher Intsu, also in human form, is looking around, not watching
where he was going. They bump into each other.
Joel: A short but bitter love affair ensued.
Petz: Watch it!
M. Intsu: You watch it!
Tom: And the XFL loses two more viewers.
This soon breaks out into a total argument about who had the right of way,
including everyone who overheard. this lasts for about 2 minutes.
Joel: <Petz> You were clearly tacking into the wind and I was to your
starboard
side, which means that I had the right of way!
Crow: <Intsu> But you were crossing the sidewalk in a westerly direction,
AGAINST the wind I might add, and therefore you must yield to oncoming
walkers!
Tom: No fault insurance. Sucks, don't it?
<<< Typical Sailor Moon ending, theme and all. >>>
Crow: Wha? That's it? Oh brother, what the hell did we just read?
Joel: Yeah, what was the deal with that last segment anyway? Yet another
pointless installment of "Sailor Says"?
Tom: <Usagi> And if you're walking down the street not caring about who
might
be in front of you, you might end up in a horribly cliched situation
involving
irony! Remember, this has been Sailor Says!
Crow: Don't forget the bimbo giggle!
Keep your eyes
open and on the
screen for part
two of the Io
Saga, "Moon King-
dom Rebuilt"
Tom: Frankly, I'd rather keep my eye on the piece of burned popcorn
embedded in the gum stuck to the theater floor.
Crow: <Casey Kasem> And remember, keep your feet on the ground and keep
reaching for the next plot point. Let's get out of here, Joel... Joel?
JOEL!
Joel: <startled> Huh? Oh, sorry guys. Just give me another minute, I'm
still
trying to figure out the fic in my mind....
Crow: Aw heck, Joel, we can do that for ya! Start us off, Tom!
Tom: Ooh, lessee... with no preparation whatsoever, the whole of Team Io
found every last Inner Senshi...
Crow: Mamoru ran away, but was kidnapped three paragraphs later...
Tom: Chibi-Usa was never really around anyway, and for all we know was still
eating ice-cream in the HOT DAY that was the first plot point, long since
abandoned...
Crow: A sorry excuse for a glob of goo was beaten by an attack in five
seconds after ten minutes of shouting.
Tom: Just because five more girls showed up, the Inner Senshi were convinced
to follow their lead and massacre for what we know could be a completely
innocent life-force...
Crow: The Outer Senshi were totally snubbed and Luna and Artemis wandered
on set because they ran out of Tender Vittles in the green room...
Tom: And finally, two morphs got in a traffic accident, putting an end to
this
fifty car pile up of a fanfic.
Crow: Hey now! Let us not forgot the condescending Japanese lessons.
Tom: True... Not to mention lack of spellchecking, despite decent if
occasionally repetitive grammar. Whew! So, how's that for an analysis,
Joel?
Crow: Yeah, give us a grade! Or better yet, a ramchip!
Joel: <chuckling> OK, I guess you both earned one after all that.
Crow: Yippee! <singing> Ramchips, ramchips, here we come!
(Crow stands up and flees as Joel picks up Tom and follows him out of the
theater)
* * *
DEEP 13
The music of Kon Kan's 'Harry Houdini' filled Frank's room as
Frank tinkered with his homemade chemistry set on his bed. A jawbreaker,
looking the worse for wear, rested in a petri dish in front of him, having
been
mutated from the various chemicals Frank was subjecting it to.
Frank sighed with disappointment as he gingerly removed the jawbreaker
from the dish with a pair of industrial strength tweezers. Then, with a
quick
flick
of the wrist, he tossed it into a nearby waste basket, which was already
overflowing with similarly deformed jawbreakers.
"Shoot! I really thought I had it that time!" Frank exclaimed as he
checked
his pockets and pulled out another jawbreaker. "Oh well, if you don't
succeed
the seven-thousandth, two hundred and eighty-first time, try try again!" he
said
to himself as he wiped the petri dish clean and placed the newest jawbreaker
in
the middle.
Unbeknownst to Frank, however, the latest of his failed jawbreakers
had begun glowing as it melted onto the others in the wastebasket, producing
a
chemical reaction Frank hadn't anticipated.
Suddenly the other jawbreakers in the basket began glowing and merging
with each other. The sick sounds of squishing candies failed to reach
Frank's
ears as he was focused on his task. The waste basket began to vibrate
slightly
and then violently as it moved like an off-balance washing machine towards
the
door and outside into the hallway.
It wasn't long before it had made it's way towards the laboratory. It
bounced
off various objects before it made a beeline towards the machine that fed
the
experiments to Joel and the bots. A moment later, a piece of paper that
contained the last page of part 2 of the 'Io Saga' was spat out of the
machine
as it was no longer needed and came to rest on the edge of the console with
the other pages of part 2.
As the wastebasket bounced off the console, the papers tumbled off the
console and some of them managed to land in the wastebasket. The results
were catastrophic as the gooey mass absorbed the papers and suddenly it
rose from the wastebasket, shaped like a huge gummy worm and flopped
around before two more appendages shot out from it's sides.
Finally, another, more round appendage, burst forth from its top, the
bottom of this appendage appeared to be caving in before it revealed itself
to
be a mouth as it emitted a bone chilling scream of pain.
* * *
"EUREKA!! I'VE DONE IT!" Frank exclaimed as he held up a
bright red jawbreaker to the light. "Wait till Dr. F sees what I've done!"
he
exclaimed proudly.
"YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?" a
familiar voice screamed.
Frank couldn't contain his excitement as he hopped off his bed and
rushed out into the hallway. "It's my new invention, Steve! I call it
the...
OOF!"
Frank was unable to finish as he was barreled over by a freaked Dr.
Forrester,
who didn't even stop to yell at him before resuming fleeing for his life.
Frank
could only blink in surprise as he lay on the floor and then as a large
shadow
fell over him, he raised his head and his eyes widened.
"MOOOOOTHEEERRRR...." the gooey creature moaned as it continued
to mutate into a somewhat humanoid form. "MOOOOTHEEEERRR...." it
moaned again, obviously in pain.
"Uh... h-have we met?" Frank inquired nervously.
"YOU CAN'T DO SQUAAAAT TO STOP MEEEE... I WILL GET
WHAT I WANNNNT...." the creature replied, sounding more human by the
moment.
"W-who are you?"
"I'M BATMA... NO, WAIT... I'M... I'm Morpher Intsu!" The
creature proclaimed in a normal voice as its mutation finally ceased.
"Intsu... hey, you're from the experiment! How did you get here?"
"You created me, I am yours to serve." Morpher Intsu replied as he
knelt on one knee.
"Really? Cool!" Frank was elated. "Finally, someone *I* can boss
around and subject to cruel and unusual punishment!"
"Excuse me?"
"Uh, nothing! Nothing! Say, uh, wanna come to my room and play?"
Frank asked.
"Play? But what of our plans to destroy the Moon Kingdom on Charon?
Shouldn't I be recruiting youma to build our invincible armies?"
"Uhh, maybe after supper! Right now, I want to play, okay?"
"There's no time! Every second wasted is a chance for the Moon
Kingdom to recover!" Intsu insisted.
"Look, Sid 6.7, maybe you're not hearing me... I'm Captain Crunch
and you're my personal Soggie! I created your gooey butt and I say I want
to
play! Toot sweet!" Frank retorted angrily.
"I refuse."
"Aw, you're no fun at all!" Frank pouted as Dr. Forrester suddenly
reemerged
from behind him, his face a mask of anger. "So, YOU'RE the one that created
this monstrosity! How many time have I told you to THROW AWAY that damn
chemistry set!" he snapped.
"Sorry, Sarge." Frank replied with his head bowed.
"Oh, quit your moping, Frank! Just get rid of it!" Dr. Forrester snapped
as he stormed past Morpher Intsu into his room.
"Uh, I'm not sure how... Oh!" Frank suddenly reached down and picked
up his jawbreaker from the floor. "Hey, want some candy?" Frank offered.
"My mother told me never to take candy from strangers." Morpher Intsu
replied.
"But, I am your mother." Frank pointed out.
"Oh... in that case, sure!" Morpher Intsu replied as Frank tossed the
jawbreaker up into the air and Intsu caught it in his mouth. As he began to
suck
it, Intsu frowned at the taste, then he suddenly found himself clutching his
throat
as his entire body seemed to be on fire.
"Wha... what have you done to me?!?" Intsu croaked.
"Sorry about this... I just gave you the prototype of my latest
invention...
a jawbreaker sized Red Hot."
"YOU TRICKED ME! ARG!" Intsu gasped as he fell to his knees.
"Hey, it's for the best. Besides, 'Io Saga' isn't over yet, maybe you'll
still defeat the senshi!" Frank pointed out as he knelt beside his
creation.
"YOU... REALLY THINK SO?" Intsu croaked as he became a large
glob of gook again.
"Sure, anything's possible." Frank replied cheerfully, giving him a
squishy pat on the back.
"IN THAT CASE... YOU HAVEN'T... SEEN... THE LAST OF...
MEEEEEE..." Intsu gurgled as he disappeared into the floor. Frank then
slowly rose to his feet, lost in thought.
"You know, I think I'll name my new jawbreaker after him... 'Intsu
Red Hots'... It doesn't get any hotter than this. Yeah, that's a cool
slogan!"
Frank mused as he walked back to his room.
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE IO SAGA' PT. 3....
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other mutiple
part
MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come, so don't skip it or
you'll
only be missing out on some great riffs and skits. ;)
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 30: THE IO SAGA PT. 3
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"The Io Saga" is the property of Sarah J. Gates and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
* * *
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move
on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
Sailor Moon: Io Saga
Chapter 2: Moon Kingdom Rebuilt
<The theme from Star Wars is abruptly pumped into the theater>
Joel: After the defeat of its
most inept agent, Morpher Intsu, the
High Underground Order have decided
to regroup and recruit more minions
throughout the underground.
Tom: The world of Charon will feel the
gooey hand of Morpher Inma
as she attempts to crush the
United Moon Kingdom.
Crow: As the slippery grip of the Morphers
tightens, Sailor Io and the ever
growing band of sailor senshi
search for a more secure base of
operations ...
Joel: Star Wars II Spoiler:
Jar-Jar dies
Bots: Amen.
By: Sarah J. Gates
Crow: Well, it could always be Sarah J. Geils...
Joel: My memory's just been sold, my angel is the centerfold...
Tom: You're blood's running cold, eh?
1. Ext. Ruins of Serenity keep. Night.
All: <singing> They paved paradise and put up a parking lot... Shoo-bop-
bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop....
Sailor Charon: Hmm... This place could be cleaned up a
bit. Other than that, I think it's the perfect place!
Crow: <Sailor Charon> I mean, look at all this dust and rocks!
Tom: Bring in the Belldandy Cleaning Service! Just five minutes,
and YOU can have a temple good as new too!
Sailor Miranda: Hai! If we could get the fountains working again, it
would be beautiful!
Joel: <Sailor Charon> Yeah and we could squirt people in the hall again!
Crow: <Sailor Miranda> In the name of the moon, you have the
right to remain silent! Anything you say while we right wrongs and
triumph over evil, can and will be used against you in a court of law!
Sailor Pheobe: We at least owe Queen Serenity a total redecoration of
the keep
Tom: Gee, with all those moons, the author was bound to spell ONE
of them wrong...
Joel: Sailor Pheobe? Isn't she married to Calvin Klein?
Crow: <Sailor Phoebe> Want me to sing "Smelly Cat" while you guys
do all the work?
Sailor Metis: Yeah. She deserves it. Anyway, lets get started!
Tom: <Sailor Metis> I'll get the plaster! And Miranda, DON'T eat the
paint chips this time around!
Sailor Metis pulls out her amethyst as it glows.
Crow: <Sailor Metis> OWW! This thing is HOT!
Joel: <Sailor Metis> So THIS is what was burning a hole in my pocket!
And mom always told me it was the money!
Suddenly an illusory overlay covers the ruins.
Crow: <ominous> The clouded mind sees nothing.
Joel: <Alec Baldwin a la The Shadow> They can't see it! None of them
can see it! But *I* see it!
Sailor Metis: So, whatcha think?
Sailor Calypso: Sailor Calypso like! Sailor calypso like!
Joel: <Sailor Calypso> I used to have Shampoo's role, but then they fired me
'cause I put on weight and, well...
Tom: <Sailor Calypso> Realize it, mon! In da name of da moon, we be righin'
wrongs and triumphin' over evil! An' aftah dat, we be smokin' a fat one!
Sailor Pheobe: It is quite fashionable. I'm sure it would be the way
Queen Serenity would've rebuilt it.
Joel: <Sailor Phoebe> Not like our last two queens that rebuilt it out
of sticks and straw.
Tom: <Sailor Phoebe> Couple of throw pillows, a Persian rug, get rid of
this mass destruction motif....
Crow: <Sailor Phoebe> I'm sure she wanted it to turn out like the Winchester
house... doors that don't lead anywhere, and a basement with fifteen
secret passages...
Sailor Calypso: Hai! Serenity-sama say to Sailor Calypso "Should
something happen castle, rebuild like it was."
Tom: Serenity speaks with an exaggerated Jamaican accent and hits
the bong on the throne?
Crow: Guess that's what you get when you live on a moon that's smaller
than Jacksonville, Florida.
Sailor Charon: I think it's perfect!
Sailor calypso: Let's start rebuild! Maybe get done in a little while.
Sailor Deimos: With what materials?
Joel: <Sailor Charon> The materials that we... Hey! Who are you?
Crow: <Author> Yes, gentle readers, before I'm done, I vow to have a
senshi named after every moon in the solar system!
Tom: Jedi Master Yoda *IS* Sailor Calypso!
Crow: Oh man! I don't wanna see HIS fuku!
Sailor Charon: Since we don't have that many materials, we can just
improvise. Sailor Charon picks up a piece of marble.
Joel: <Sailor Charon> Who's been messing with my shooter?!?
Crow: First there were granite gems, and now marble... yikes.
Sailor charon: Gem Process Action.
Tom: Remember, kids... it's not the result that counts, it's the PROCESS.
<Sailor Charon> Transform this marble into a cat's eye!
Gem: No energy to process. Please input procedure for process.
S. Charon: Duplicate and extend. Make it like the way it was before Beryl.
Crow: Before Beryl what?
Joel: I call foul. Beryl is more of a gem than marble.
Tom: Thank you. Mr. Geologist.
S. Charon's jewel: processing. Please wait 10 minutes.
Joel: <starts humming Muzak>
Crow: Uh, hello? There's no ENERGY here! What exactly are you
processing? Vacuum? Green cheese, perhaps?
Each sailor starts to repeat this process with a piece of marble or rock.
Soon the castle is mostly complete.
Joel: Soon? At ten minutes a rock?!?
Tom: Yes, it's Puzzle Bobble 6! Special Senshi Edition!
Sailor Calypso: Now all need is water, but I take care of.
Crow: <Sailor Calypso> Now all need is four beers and good aim.
Joel: <Sailor Calypso> Ptooie! Ptooie! Don't worry, I spit stones good!
*Hawwwwwk* Ptooie!
S. Calypso pulls out a canteen of water. She pours a drop on the gem.
Sailor Calypso:
Tom: Oh, brother... if you're willing to type *Sailor*, why bother
substituting
letters for names at all?
Gem Process Action.
Joel: The poor author ran out of minerals...
Crow: Guess he'll have to settle for animals and vegetables.
Gem: Extending and duplicating, Calypso. Please wait.......
Crow: This Gem sure has a limited vocabulary, don't you think?
Tom: Gee, just like Calypso.
Crow: Natch.
2. Ext. Rei's temple. midafternoon.
Joel: Yay, no more carpentry classes!
Tom: Oh lovely... from one random group of senshi to another.
Crow: Thousands of Rei's followers had shown up to worship her
as Makoto and Usagi passed around the collection plate....
Joel: Hey, they don't call it the Church of Sailor Mars for nothing.
Rei is chasing after Shira, while Shoko is looking for Boni, who is hiding
behind a tree, trying to see Mani, who is right behind her.
Tom: And Pepe, who happens to be around, looks at George, who tries
to chew gum and look at Shira at the same time, but then Boni passes
and Rei...
Crow: Y'know, normally, when you play hide and go seek, only ONE
person is it....
Rei: I'm gonna get you!
Shira: Nyahnyahnyahnyahnyah! You can't catch me!
Joel: <Shira> I'm the gingerbread man!
Tom: Actually, she sounds more like a jackalope.
Crow: <Rei> Oh, so you're TAUNTING me now? Prepare to eat holy
retribution! BURNING MANDALA!!
Rei catches up with Shira and tags her.
Rei: Ha! You've gotta help me tag the other two.
Shira: Okay.
Joel: <Rei> They're $9.99 apiece, don't forget.
Crow: <Rei> We need those senshi tagged before we send them back
out in the wild so we can track them to their secret breeding grounds.
Tom: Pardon me for asking but WHAT RELEVANCE HAS ANY OF
THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE STORY?!?!? *gasp* *wheeze*
Joel: Hang in there, Tommy. We survived the first chapter, we can
survive this....
Shira sneaks up on Mani and tags her. She immediately jumps and tags
Boni.
Mani: Okay! Boni's it this time. Rmember, count to twenty, ask if
everybody's
ready, then try to tag us.
Crow: Heh... Well, it's good to know that Rei's life as a miko has not
impaired her "free time" any.
Tom: So the rest of the fic is Rei trying to recapture her recent childhood?
Joel: Hey, how many Sailor Moon fanfics actually have the senshi
acting their age?
Boni: okay. (covers her eyes and faces the treee)
Joel: <singing> TREEEEE!!
Tom: If I were a treee, what kind of treee would I be?
Crow: I dunno. An Elllm?
1.... 2.... 3....
Crow: ...little Indians.
Joel: I protest.
Crow: I care.
Joel: Time out?
Crow: My apologies.
Joel: That's better.
Crow: Bite me.
4.... 5.... 6....
Tom: ...pick up sticks.
Joel: This is a test of the reader's patience.
Crow: More like a final exam.
7.... 8.... 9.... 10....
Tom: The winner and still it, Boni!
Crow: <crowd noise>
Joel: Gee, I wonder what number he'll pick next? Boy, the suspense is
just killing me....
11.... 12.... 13.... 14.... 15....
Crow: ...reasons I could give you why this scene isn't necessary.
Tom: <groaning> This scene's scrambling what's left of my neurons....
16-17-18-19-20!
Joel: <Usagi> Wow, you can count up to twenty! You must be, like, uber
clever!
Crow: Lord, if this goes to a hundred, I'm going to get a snack...
Is everybody ready?
(no answer)
Joel: <Boni> Oh well, better count again!
Tom: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Crow: This fic is on the verge of breaking down.
I guess so. Here I come!
Boni looks around. Shira quickly runs to hide behind one of the
temple walls, giggling slightly.
Tom: <Boni> BAKUSAITENKETSU! Ha, ha! Found you!
Mani sneaks behind Boni and goes behind the tree. Rei
tries to sneak by, but she steps on a twig. Boni hears the
snap and turns around to tag her. She manages to barely
tap her.
Tom: <Boni> Here, wear this wire. We need you to get the goods on
the rest of the Senshi.
Crow: She must be hesitant to try a love tap just yet.
Joel: <Boni> Let's keep our tap platonic for now!
Boni: Now you have to help me tag people.
Rei nods and sneaks behind the wall Shira is hiding behind. she tags her.
Crow: *SLAP*
Joel: <Boni> Nice tag!
Tom: Rei's wearing her brand new XXVIII edition Air Jordans! For
when you want to be your inconspicuous best!
Rei: Gotcha!
Crow: <Shira> No, not the paint pellets! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Just then, Mani sneaks to the other wall and hides behind it.
Joel: Moments later, Rei steps in the arena and breaks the wall down.
Shira: Oh, well... I may as well go find Shoko..
Shira sneaks around the temple, then looks inside. She turns her head from
left to right.
Crow: <Shira> Hmm, no sign of Shoko but where'd all this traffic come from?
Joel: Past five lands of traffic, over an alligator- and log-infested
pond... is
the altar!
A figure runs past. Shira holds her hand out and catches it.
As the figure slows down, we see it is Shoko.
Shoko: You found me!
Shira: Of course. After 10 years, I have studied, and learned by heart
your
hiding pattern in this game.
Tom: <Shira> And soon I'm going for the H&S Badge in Xenogears!
Crow: Well, we know who the 'Ami' of Team Io is now.
Shoko: Naturally...
Shira: Anyway, we still need to find Toni and Mani. You go this way
(points
to the left) and I'll go the other.
Shoko nods.
Joel: <Shoko> Er, pardon my ignorance, oh mighty goddess of Hide and Seek,
but shouldn't we be preparing to defend our kingdom against the Morphers?
Crow: <Shira> Nah, we have time. Sets-chan owes me one.
3. Int. Tsukino Household. Day.
Tom: <reporter> I'm standing inside the Tsukino's house where an hour ago,
Mr. Tsukino Kenji was placed under arrest for the attempted murder of his
daughter's boyfriend. The victim, Chiba Mamoru, apparently confessed to
engaging in intimate relations with Mr. Tsukino's teenaged daughter, despite
being several years her senior. Mr. Tsukino proceeded to challenge Mamoru
to a fight but was forced to shoot him in the back when Mamoru attempted to
flee before the fight could commence....
Crow: Heh!
Chibi-Usa hears a knock on the door. She opens it and standing before her
is Mamoru.
Mamoru: Hello, Chibi-Usa. Is Usagi in?
Chibi-Usa: (thought) Hmm... Something bothers me. Normally he wants to
stay *away* from Usagi.
Crow: Looks like his hormones FINALLY kicked in!
Tom: <Mamoru> Hey, check it out. There ain't NO way I gonna let my 'ho go,
'cause if she do I'll pop a cap in yo' ass!
Joel: <Chibi-Usa> Oooookay... now I KNOW there's something wrong.
(said) Uh, no. She went out to the mall to shop a bit, and try to find the
newest Sailor V game.
Tom: Marvel Vs. Capcom Vs. SNK Vs. Sailor V!
Crow: The Crossover EVERYONE Told Us Not To Release!
Joel: <Dan Hibiki> YAHOO!
Mamoru: oh. I guess I'd better go find her. (runs off)
Crow: Good to know ol' Tux-boy *never* breaks character!
Tom: Nothing outlasts the Kamen. He keeps running and running...
Joel: <Mamoru> Fear not, brave senshi, for I shall run away to
save myself but continue to offer support from a great distance!
Chibi-Usa closes the door. Usagi walks down from upstairs.
Usagi: Who was that?
Chibi-Usa: Oh, nobody...
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> The pale, angry shade of one of Tokyo's great unwashed.
Mind loaning me that comic book?
Usagi: Oh, okay.. (yawns) I think I'll go shopping later, with Rei and the
others.
Chibi-Usa: Can I come? I don't get to go shopping that much on the
weekends.
Usagi: (thinks a moment) Alright, just don't cause trouble, 'kay?
Joel: <Chibi-Usa> Awwww, but I wanted to tear the place up!
Chibi-Usa: I promise. I want to get some new clothes, and maybe a pair of
earrings... Oh, and some shoes...
Usagi: I get your point, Chibi-Usa.
Tom: <Usagi> We've already had one long pointless scene, let's not push
our luck, kay?
Joel: Shopping, heavy construction, hiding from friends... is there any
serious issue that this author REFUSES to take on?
4. Int. Shopping Mall food court. Day.
Crow: <Usagi> *Gargg gargg gargg gargg*... hey Minako, are you going to
eat the rest of that? *Gargg gargg gargg gargg*...
Tom: <Chibi-Usa> When I said shopping, I didn't mean for junk food! I
wanted
some jewelry!
Crow: <Usagi> Here shrimp, here's an onion ring. But don't wear it too
long, I
might get hungry again!
Sunlight shines in through the glass windows on the ceiling and right onto
the
table where Minako, Makoto, and Ami are sitting.
Joel: <Ami> Oh? We're on! Shall we do a number?
Crow: <Makoto> Eating silently/ Usagi chewing loudly/ Fast food makes you
fat. A haiku.
There are three cups half-empty, three hamberger wrappers, one empty
(the one in front of Makoto), and the rest have almost eaten burgers.
Tom: All sacrificed to the chomping wonder that is Sailor Moon.
Makoto is resting her head on her hand while leaning on her elbow which
is on the table.
Crow: Makoto is also a contortionist.
Joel: Wow, the attention to superfluous detail in this fic is staggering!
Makoto: Bored bored bored. This is so boring.
Joel: Ok, which one of us said that?
Crow: What CAN you say to something like that?
Tom: Hey, Makoto wants to help in the heavy construction! She's procuring
the plywood!
Not a monster or arcade in sight..
Minako: Or at least not an _open_ arcade in sight...
Tom: Food court's open, but the arcade is not. Hmm, is there a problem
here?
Joel: I never thought I'd say this... but this fic could USE some lemon.
Crow: <Tom Cruise> Here's your pool cue, Ami. Ready to shoot some 9-ball?
Joel: I take it back.
Ami: We could always go study for next months test....
Makoto: Ami, it's a month away.
Tom: <Ami> Yes, Makoto, that's why I said 'next month's test' as opposed
to 'next week's test'.
Crow: Good to know Makoto has her basic time skills down.
Ami: True, but if we study now, we won't have to study the day before.
Minako: I don't think we're quite _that_ bored, but if nothing happens in a
bit, we probably will be.
Crow: <Usagi> *gargg gargg gargg* What are you guys talking about?
Does anyone have some more fries? *gargg gargg gargg*...
Joel: The Io Saga! A fanfic that has the GUTS to sit around and be bored!
Tom: <Makoto> Come on, Author! Give us something to do! We're dying out
here! The readers are lapsing into a coma! HELP US!!!
5. Ext. Rei's temple. day.
Crow: From "midafternoon" to "day"... not a good sign, people.
Tom: No! We've already done this scene! Now we're going backwards!
They all scatter about, trying to keep away from each other, during the
second
round.
Joel: Second Round?
Crow: Quick, someone bite an ear off!
Tom: Rei was seeded third... her ability to run was prized, but in the end
she
just wasn't as flexible as Boni.
Usagi comes up the stairs with Chibi-Usa at her side.
Tom: <whistles the theme to High Noon>
Joel: <Usagi> Draw, pad'ner!
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> Okay, another yaoi doujin?
Joel: <Usagi> You knows that's the way I likes 'em!
She looks from left to right, looking for everybody. Chibi-Usa also looks
around for them.
Joel: Did we stumble into Gunsmith Cats or something?
Tom: Great, at this rate, they'll never get run over by a semi.
Usagi: I don't see anybody here. Maybe they went on to the mall?
Chibi-Usa: I don't think so. Maybe they're just inside.
Crow: <Usagi> No... that's just what they WANT us to think!
Joel: <Usagi a la Velma> I dunno, Scooby, an old abandoned temple
can be awfully spooky...
Tom: They're on strike until the author brings in a conflict to the fanfic.
Usagi nods. Rei sneaks up behind them and taps them on the shoulder.
CHibi-Usa and Usagi jump. Rei smiles ^_^ at them as they turn around
to look at her.
Joel: <Usagi> Hey, you don't need to throw two carats and an underscore
in my face!
rei: Gotcha!
Chibi-Usa: Very funny...
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> Now put the capital letter back in your name, ya nut!
Mamoru comes up to Shira while she is not looking. The camera
zooms in, and shows that Mamoru's intent is not exactly friendly.
Tom: <Mamoru> Rallaaghh... WOOF! WOOF!
Joel: And exactly how did they show this? Another emotioncon?
Crow: Perhaps the boner in his pants and the line of drool escaping from
the side of his mouth?
Mani turns around and looks at Mamoru.
Joel: <Mamoru> Oh no! Now I'm as helpless as a kitten in a tree!
Tom: <Mani> Yeah right, Mr. Mistoffeles, you're not foolin' me!
Mani: Look out, Shira!
Crow: <Mani> Skeletor's right behind you! Ha! Made ya look!
Shira turns around amd swings her arm. She manages to get Mamoru
in the stomach.
Mamoru: Argh!
Joel: <Mamoru> Ya skewered my belly, ya salty scalawag!
Crow: Yep, the normal reaction when one is confronted by a wild Mamoru.
Shira covers her mouth with both of her hands.
Shira: (stifled slightly) Oh! I'm sorry Mamoru! I didn't mean to..
Really.
It's just that Mani shouted to me...
Mamoru exchanges a cold glare with Shira, but regains his composure.
Tom: <Mamoru> Say, this glare is pretty neat! Got anything murderous?
Crow: <Shira> Nope, but I have plenty of icy and withered. Hey, I kept
this one frozen just for YOU, you big meanie!
Joel: Mamoru, in his later, more bitter days, was known to haze newbie
Senshi.
Mamoru: (seeming to be holding back a little) There is no need for an exp-
lanation.
Crow: Yeah, why start now, eh fanfic?
Tom: <Mamoru> Explanation Muyo!
Mani: (walks up to shira and whispers in her ear) Don't trust him! It's
just a
trap. He isn't the Mamoru that is Tuxedo Kamen.
Crow: <Mani> Let's see who this REALLY is! *gasp* I-It's... Rei's
Grandfather!!
Joel: <Grandpa Hino> Curses! And I would have gotten away with too, if it
hadn't been for those darn senshi!
Tom: Guess it's better than the Mamoru that pilots a Gundam...
Shira whispers back.
Joel: <Shira> Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss....
Crow: Eww, that's disgusting, Joel! Why would she do that?
Tom: You're supposed to do that BEFORE you enter the theater, Joel!
Joel: ....
Shira: Mani! I can't believe you! He seems like the real Mamoru, and
that's
proof enough that he is.
Mani: Just head this warning: If you do trust him, be careful about what
you
trust him with.
Joel: <Mani> For instance, don't let him near any M-80s.
Tom: <Mani> I lost a fortune to that man! He'll bleed you dry,
skin you alive and suck the marrow clean from your bones!
Crow: <Mamoru> Ah, come on. It's just a harmless pre-nup.
Shira looks back at Mamoru
Shira: I'm sorry. Mani can be quite annoying...
Mamoru: Like I said, there is no need for explanations.
All: <chanting> Call-backs... call-backs...
Shoko walks up.
Shoko: So what brings you here? I mean, nothing interesting is going on
for
miles.
Joel: Shouldn't the AUTHOR be taking care of that? <checks watch>
Right about NOW?!
Mamoru grins slightly.
Crow: Show 'em the pointed teeth, Tuxy!
Joel: <Mamoru> Oh, me? I'm an Amway representative! Mamoru Smith,
nice to meet you!
Mamoru: You don't know how interesting that it's going to get. (A wind
starts
to blow about him, drawing the leaves into something similar to a spiral.)
Crow: So, an ellipse? An oval? An elongated circle?
Joel: Hey! It's a Megaman flashback! Woodman, it's been FOREVER!
Tom: <Mamoru> Ancient spirits of evil... transform this bishounen form...
to TUX-RA!!! THE EVER-LIVING!!!
Morpher Intsu: I sure hope you were prepared to fight, Moon Senshi.
Mani: I know one thing that I was prepared for, if not a fight.
M. Intsu: Oh yeah?
Mani: Yes. You.
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Yes University? Huh?
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> H-hey! What are you saying!? You think I won't
put up a fight?!? Well, I'm gonna... AHHHHHHHHH!!! G-GET THOSE
SPARKLERS AWAY FROM ME!!! MOMMMMMEEEE!!!
Usagi: How dare you pretend to be Mamoru! I won't let you get away with
that!
Moon crystal Power!
Rei: Yeah! Mars Star Power!
Joel: <Usagi> Hey, this is MY personal score! Get your own!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Since when is impersonating a bishonen a
punishable offense?
Crow: Better put away those Utena male characters templates...
Ami and the others walk in as they are transforming.
Joel: More than meets the eye!
Ami: Mercury Star Power, Make up!
Minako: Venus Star Power, Make Up!
Makoto: Jupiter Star power, make Up!
Tom: <Minako> Still love to know how we were conned out of gems.
Joel: <Ami> Count your lucky stars. You could have been stuck with
"granite".
Crow: <Boni> HEY!
<<< Typical SM transformations. >>>
Tom: ...summed up in three words again. Typical.
Crow: With or without breast outlines? Hmm? Inquiring minds want
to know!
Joel: Not to mention hentai robots.
Crow: Heh.
Each Moon Senshi pulls out their gems.
Boni: Phobos Gem Power, Make up!
Toni: Triton Gem Power, Make UP!
Mani: Mimas Gem Power, Make up!
Crow: Boy, I'd bet Naru's mother would LOVE to get her paws on those...
Shira: Europa Gem Power, Make Up!
Shoko: Io Gem Power, Make UP!
Joel: Man, whatever they're paying the makeup department for this
fanfic, it's not enough.
Tom: Rah rah, more overkill...
Crow: This is like rooting for the Duke University men's basketball
team against McNeese State.
<<< Typical Moon Senshi Transformations. >>>
Tom: ...are growing stale so instead please enjoy a few Typical
Cutey Honey Transformations along with some complimentary less and
greater than signs!
Crow: Hey! I feel gypped! Pan-ty SHOT! Pan-ty SHOT!!
Sailor Europa: You won't escape from this battle, Morpher Intsu!
M. Intsu: Ah, but that's where you're wrong! I will escape, with something
more than just my life/
Joel: Actually, by now he should also know the Senshi's secret identities.
Crow: Which is more than Nephrite and the others could manage...
Sailor Europa: Not if we can help it! Europa tigers claw!
S. Europa pulls her gem from her tiara, and it turns into her sickle.
Crow: One idle twirl later and it became a popsicle. Yum!
Joel: Couldn't they at LEAST call it a scythe? I mean, her holding
a sickle makes me think she's a Commie pinko rather than a hero...
Tom: <S. Europa> Lenin Lives!
Sailor Triton: Triton Jade Spear!
Sailor Mimas: Mimas Pearl Sword!
Sailor Io: Io Opal Staff!
Sailor Phobos: Phobos Granite Axe!
Joel: Suddenly, I feel like playing Gauntlet.
Tom: <deep voice> FANFIC IS ABOUT TO DIE... URRRGGGHHHH!
Each Moon Senshi removes their jewels and they turn into their weapons.
Crow: As previously alluded to.
Tom: Wonder what would happen if one of them, say Mimas, was to say
"Mimas Tactical Nuclear Device"?
Crow: <Mimas> Take off every Zig for great justice!
Tom: Oops, speaking of taking off, time to make like a Canadian!
Joel: Lead the way, Hoser.
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
The lights were dimmed on the bridge and the gentle sounds of soft
saxophone music could be heard as Joel stood behind the counter awaiting his
cue. Cambot faded in a title graphic as Tom's voice spoke up.
"And now, Satellite of Love Productions is proud to present to you...
A Sailor Jupiter Retrospective...."
Several clips are shown of previously MSTed scenes featuring Sailor
Jupiter and her civilian identity Makoto. "And now, here is your host, Joel
Robinson."
The lights faded up as Joel faced the camera. "Whether she's known as
Lita, SJ, S. Jupiter, or Mako-chan... we all still love her! Joining us now
via
the
Hexfield Viewscreen, let's give a hand to Makoto, our own Sailor Jupiter!"
The Hexfield opened to reveal Makoto, dressed in her usual brown and
white school outfit, sitting comfortably on a chair with her hands neatly
folded
in her lap. "Thanks for joining us, Makoto!" Joel said.
"My pleasure. I hear you guys are pretty big fans of mine!" Makoto
replied with a smile.
"Well yeah! I mean, you've always been likable in all the fics
we've MSTed, even when your part was small."
"Thanks! That's very kind of you to say." Makoto replied.
"Considering the last two fics you've been in, do you miss the heady
leading lady days of Season One? With Godzilla and the WWF as your
supporting actors?" Joel asked.
"Yeah, those were pretty cool. I was worried Godzilla would act like a
big shot, being a cultural icon and everything, but he was a total
professional
on the set, a real class act."
Makoto paused thoughtfully for a moment before continuing. "Having
the star role might not always be my goal... if I recall, poor Amy had to
act
next
to that sack of flour that was Tom Cruise." Makoto laughed. "I guess it
just
depends on the project."
Joel nodded. "So, what was it like behind the scenes of '*R*P*M*'
Was Flynn hard to work with? And is it true that you performed all your own
stunts?"
"Yeah, wanna see my neck scar! It's a great conversation starter at
cast parties!" Makoto joked.
"So, did Flynn give you one of his spiky balls to help you hold off the
fanboys?"
"How'd you guess?!? Makoto giggled. "Umm, to answer your question though,
behind the scenes of '*R*P*M*', it was unusual, hell the fic was unusual...
I
didn't
even find out till much later that it was supposed to be a Spawn/SM
crossover!
And those poor &'s freezing their butts off for the scene changes... I
remember
going without coffee on the set for a while cause I kept giving it to them."
Makoto explained.
"Aw, that's so nice!" Joel replied.
"Hey, when you wear a flimsy fuku most of the time, you can
appreciate how being cold feels." Makoto added with a grin.
"So what was it like working with Dr. Thinker?" Joel inquired.
Makoto was silent for a long moment before answering. "Heh, I'm
sorry, I can't come up with a word to describe it. I'm not sure he could
even
make one up for it!"
"It wasn't an easy time?"
"Oh no! Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying it was bad or anything!"
Makoto quickly corrected him. "Dr. Thinker was one of the nicest people
I've
ever worked with! It's just... well... since we couldn't understand what he
was
saying most of the time, we weren't always sure what we were supposed to
do... and well... let's just say we used a LOT of improvisation... and he
was
nice
enough to let us go with it. Working on a Thinkerfic is NEVER boring, I
promise
you!"
"Neither is MSTing one!" Joel replied with a smile. "By the way, any
luck tracking down Solider 1 yet?"
Makoto's face grew serious and her voice was intense as she replied.
"Oh, I'll find him, all right... I'll find him... and make him PAY!"
Abruptly,
Makoto
broke into giggles, dropping the serious act. "Actually, he and Solider 2
went
on to make a career for themselves as extras in Saving Private Ryan, so
they're doing pretty well last I heard. I still haven't quite forgiven
Solider
2 for
cutting my hair though. Grrrrrr!" she growled playfully.
"Well, Makoto, this has been a real blast, but we're due back in the
theater
soon, so I'll ask you one more question that everyone in anime fandom wants
to
know..." Joel seemed to hesitate for a moment. "What's the deal with the
old
boyfriend?"
Makoto paused for a moment and took the question in stride. "Hey,
what's wrong with comparing everyone to my old boyfriend? Everyone
remembers their first love, right? I mean, just because he broke my heart
and
ended it for no good reason doesn't mean I have to dwell on THAT part of our
relationship, right?"
"Hmm, I guess you have a poi..." Joel began.
"I mean, just because I was jilted by every boy in practically every fic
you've MSTed, doesn't mean I can't remember their good looks, right?"
Makoto continued ominously.
"Uh, yeah, but...."
"Sure, I could be BITTER...." Makoto was really picking up steam now.
"BITTER over the fact that I've got all these great qualities and yet most
men
still
ignore me or cheat on me because they can't control their frigging hormones!
But then, why depress myself when I can remember the wonderful times, the
fun
times, BEFORE I was tossed aside like yesterday's garbage!"
"Uh, gee, look at the time! I think we have to get back to the...."
WHY would I want to do something like THAT?!?" Makoto was on her
feet now, fists clenched. "WHY would I be bitter about not landing a man
despite being CUTE as HELL and having a SPARKLING personality!! So I
compare every guy I meet to my old boyfriend, so what?!? I'm sure THEY do
the same with their old girlfriends but when *I* do it, it's ABNORMAL?!?"
Makoto was practically foaming at the mouth by now.
Joel suddenly noticed the yellow light flashing on the console. "Oh, thank
god! Uh, I mean, sorry, we're out of time, Makoto! This is Joel Robinson,
for
a
Sailor Jupiter Retrospective, saying...."
"Hey! I'm not done yet! Oh, so YOU'RE going to leave me too! Sure!
Why not? Another broken relationship to toss on the pile! It doesn't
matter!"
As
Makoto ranted, the Hexfield Viewscreen slowly began to close. "There's
plenty
of men out there to compare my old boyfriend too! I don't need your pity!
I
DON'T NEED YOUR...!" Makoto's voice was cut off as the Hexfield finished
closing.
Joel breathed a sigh of relief. "I knew I shouldn't have pushed my luck...
Anyway, this has been a...."
Suddenly, there was the sound of wrenching metal and grinding gears as the
Hexfield Viewscreen was physically reopened by Makoto, her face red with
anger as she continued her rant. "I DON'T ASK FOR YOUR PITY! JUST
BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES OF MY FAILED
RELATIONSHIPS DOESN'T MEAN I'M IN THE MARKET FOR A PITY DATE!
Makoto abruptly returned to normal for a moment. "Although, you do
remind me of my old boyfriend... want to go out with me to a movie and
dinner?"
"Uh... I wish I could... really... but I'm kinda trapped in space right now
and..." Joel stammered.
"Hey, that's okay. Trapped in space, huh? Sure. I understand. I'm not
your type. I'm not GOOD enough for you! WELL, THAT STINKS! I KNOW
WHEN I'M NOT WANTED!! I KNOW WHEN I'M NOT...!!!"
"Hey baby, we could use a good-looking girl up here! Wanna MST fics
with us?" Crow chimed in from off-camera.
"DON'T encourage her! Uh, we'll be right back, folks..." Joel replied
as he continued to nervously nod at Makoto while slowly backing towards the
theater doors.
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 30: THE IO SAGA PT. 4
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"The Io Saga" is the property of Sarah J. Gates and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
* * *
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move
on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
Suddenly, there's a crackle of static from the loudspeaker and a familiar
voice echoes in the theater.
Makoto: AND ANOTHER THING! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT MEN LIKE
YOU IGNORE ME, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE CLASS TO SAY
YOU'RE LEAVING!? IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT ALL YOUR INTERVIEWS?!?
HUH?!?
Tom: Talk about emotional baggage...
Joel: <sighs> Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
(Joel reaches under his seat and pulls out a pair of wire cutters. He then
stands
up and walks over to the loudspeaker, wincing at the volume as he fiddled
with
the wires and carefully snipped away until Makoto's voice mercifully faded
into
an unintelligible gurgle before disappearing completely. Joel then returned
to
his seat.
Joel: Poor Makoto... I still respect her though.
Crow: <muttering> Just like a man...
Joel: Pardon?
Crow: Nothing!
S. Jupiter: I'll take care of this trash! Sparkling Wide Pressure!
<<< Sailor Jupiter's Moon Sparkling Wide pressure attack. >>>
Crow: Forgive my nitpicking... but shouldn't it be Sailor Io or Europa's
attack if it's from Jupiter's *moon*?
Joel: And what the heck does *Sparkling Wide Pressure* mean anyway?
Tom: Maybe she attacked Intsu with a Teledyne showerhead?
Morpher Intsu: Ha! Stupid Sailor Jupiter!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Sparkling Wide Pressure is just for kids!
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> Hello? Anyone home? Think, McFly, think!
Did you forget everything you learned in part one already?
Tom: I wish I could forget everything in part two.
Don't you know that you will just make me stronger by doing that?
Crow: <Sailor Jupiter> Unless I hit a gasline, sucker.
M. Intsu absorbs all of the energy Sailor Jupiter released at him when she
blasted him with lightning. He swells slightly and grows more muscular.
Sailor
Europa's eyes widen O.o
Tom: Until she looks remarkably like a raccoon!
Joel: <Sailor Europa> Wow! He's even more of a hunk than before!
Look at those muscles!
Crow: Aw, you know what they say about bodybuilders... they're compensating.
Sailor Europa: Oh, ___SHOOT___! Run!
Joel: <Sailor Europa> Shout! Transform! SOMETHING!
Crow: <Sailor Mars> Why, Sailor ROBIN? Hmm? I just uncork a bit
of holy fire and he's toast!
Morpher Intsu collects a ball of energy in his hands as the sailors start
to
scatter. He releases it and it hits the ground.
Tom: Then it bounced back up and Morpher Intsu began dribbling
and doing fancy tricks while Sweet Georgia Brown played in the
background....
Crow: Can it, Meadowlark!
Joel: Just don't ask what he puts in the bucket....
The impact of the energy causes the sailors to be knocked off of their
feet.
Sailof Moon: Ooof.....
Tom: Sailors scattering? Scary sticky supervillians? Stay tuned!
Crow: Sail of Moon? Sounds like a cheap perfume.
Joel: Actually, it sounds Russian. "Sailov Moon, Moscow P.I."
as the screen pans out, we see that Sailor Europa dropped her sickle near
Morpher Intsu when she was knocked off of her feet. Morpher Intsu bends
over to pick it up, but his hand is met by a red rose.
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> I came to say... I came to say.... I LOVE YOU, EUROPA!
All: <hums "Man in Motion">
Tuxedo Kamen: I don't suggest you take that.
Tom: <imitates Guitar strumming>
Crow: Enter The Wuss....
Tuxedo kamen jumps down from a tree.
Joel: So we're supposed to believe that this is the same Mamoru who
couldn't get out of ground zero fast enough in the first part?
Crow: He's been hiding up there since Part One I'll bet.
Tom: Maybe gathering his nuts?
Crow: He could use them.
M. Intsu: How'd you get out? Oh, no matter. You can't stop me now
that I have the energy Sailor Jupiter gave me.
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Jupiter! Quit supplying our enemies with Dew!
Tom: Wow, who knew Sailor Jupiter was so powerful?
Crow: <Sailor Jupiter> I'm Ontario Hydroelectric! Whee!
Morpher Intsu swings an arm at Tuxedo Kamen, knocking him into a tree.
Joel: <Tuxedo Kamen> Hey, don't do that! You'll upset the Ewoks!
Crow: I wonder how many other body parts Intsu has up his sleeve....
Tom: A bicep, maybe a forearm?
Crow: Heh.
M. Intsu grabs the sickle as Tuxedo Kamen recovers.
T. Kamen: Itai...
Tom: <T. Kamen> Man, I can't believe I got my ass kicked by a mud
puddle! That's it! From now on, I throw the stupid rose, mutter a few
encouraging words, and then, sayonara!
Morpher Intsu: Ha! (fades into the ground)
Joel: That quicksand will get ya everytime.
Crow: Those senshi better be careful, he's currently recruiting Mole
People...
Sailor Europa stands still. She looks slightly dumbfound and shattered.
Tom: Sooo... why did the Morphers supposedly kidnap Tux-Boy if
he was so easily defeatable?
Joel: They wanted some bishonen spice in the HQ, I guess.
S. Io: I swear>...!
All: <singing> By the moon... and the stars... in the sky....
If i ever se that slimy scum again I'll......!
S. Jupiter: Calm down!
Joel: <S. Jupiter> This is no time to start speaking Spanish!
Crow: <S. Venus> GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL!!
S. Venus: Yeah. We know you want to get back at that guy, but you can cool
your jets about it.
Sailor Io: If I see anything of his, it's gonna be toast!
Joel: <S. Venus> Wow... even his matched luggage?
Tom: <Sailor Io> ESPECIALLY THE MATCHED LUGGAGE!!!
Suddenly, Sailor Europa's uniform melts into her regular clothing. Shira
looks down towards the ground.
Crow: <Shira> Crap... I paid fifteen hundred for that outfit... so much for
the
cosplay... guess I have to find my plugsuit now...
6. Marble room. Day.
Tom: ...six of the tournament. Nerves had long been rubbed raw,
and more than one person has slipped on the marbles and broken
their neck...
M. Intsu fades into view and produces a sickle.
Joel: But can the sickle act?
Crow: <M. Intsu> These darned stonewashed jeans! I bought them
prefaded, and they came out looking like this!
Morpher Inma: Very impressive. To be quite frank, I didn't think you
could pull it off.
Tom: <M. Intsu a la Will Smith> That's the difference between you and me...
I make these jeans look GOOD.
Morpher Intsu: Sometimes, you underestimate me *too* much.
Crow: <Morpher Inma> Well, you have to admit nine times out of
ten, they simply fry your ass and send you on your way...
Tom: So he's rendered one out of TEN senshi useless. And considering
how many of them were ALREADY useless...
Morpher Inma: Well, either way, you still did a good job. Did you finish
off
the little brat who had the gem?
M. Intsu: D'oh! I knew I forgot something!
Joel: <Morpher Inma> And did you stop by the store to get a gallon of milk
and a loaf of bread?
Crow: <M. Intsu> Just rub it in, why don't you.
M. Inma: Maybe I didn't underestimate you _enough_....
Morpher Intsu: Very funny, Inma. You just crack me up..
Crow: <M. Inma> Yep, you're just the *butt* of my jokes! Ha ha!
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Ok, ha ha, that's enough... really.
Crow: <M. Inma> All right, but you'd better hurry up and make sure that
*cheeky* brat gets hers in the *end* or your *ass* is mine! HAW! HAW!
I KILL ME!
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Good idea. *SWACK* Heh heh, I knew this sickle would
come in handy....
Morpher Inma:Just go finish the job. Maybe if you do the job right, I
might
allow you to take care of Io as well.
Morpher Intsu: Oh, joy......
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> I wonder if Arby's is still hiring?
M. Intsu fads out of view.
Morpher Inma: I just hope he does well. Oh, well, if he doesn't, I can
always
send Kunzite after him.
Crow: <Morpher Inma> He's messy but he always gets his man.
Joel: So the Morphers *are* associated with the Dark Kingdom?
Tom: More like a limited liability corporation.
The sickle that Morpher Intsu left dissappears.
Crow: <Morpher Inma> A transporter beam?!? DAMN YOU, PICARD!
Joel: Yeah, it's not like that sickle could be used as a weapon against
the senshi or anything... just toss it anywhere!
7. Int. Rei's temple. Living room. night.
Morpher Intsu reforms in the living room of rei's temple.
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> I'm a changed man! From this day forward, I vow to use
my gooey powers for GOOD!
The five moon senshi are scattered about, covered with different types
of blankets.
Crow: Ooh, it's the sleepover scene!
Joel: Ah, naptime... my favorite part of Nursery School....
Tom: <Usagi> H-H-HACHOO! *sniff* I c-c-can't b-believe they s-s-stuck me
with the b-b-blanket of s-s-s-SNOW! HACHOO!!
he spots Shoko, her braided auburn hair tied up so it won't come undone.
Joel: Funny, I pictured her as a redhead.
Crow: You too?
Tom: Tied up in a sheepshank? A hangman's knot? A granny knot?
Then he spies shira, her short, blond hair down about her shoulders. She
us sitting up looking at the moon.
Crow: <Usagi> What? Is there something on my face?
Tom: 8. Int. Author's Computer Room. night. Author's been typing for six
hours
straight and it shows. Author considers calling it a night briefly. Then
with
only her raw determination and a half empty can of Cherry Coke, she presses
forward, determined to finish before the light of dawn....
Joel: Gotta respect her work ethic.
Shira: I've failed you, Queen Serenity. I've let my enemies get my gem,
and
now I can't fight. I'm so sorry. (she sounds like she is about to cry)
Joel: <Author> No, really! She does! Trust me on this one!
Crow: <Shira> *sniff* W-What good are these hands of mine if they can't
grip a
weapon?!? S-Sure, I can play the piano... but... never again to be able to
disembowel someone... <sob>....
Morpher Intsu walks up behind her.
M. Intsu: The fact that you failed your Queen is not half your problems!
Tom: <M. Intsu> I mean, look at that hair! I feel like I should call the
ASPCH
and report you for attempted second degree perming! And those shoes! Ugh!
Ugh! Somebody tell this girl the 90's are over and it's time to move
forward
into the twenty-first cen-tur-ee!! HEL-LO!!!
Shira turns around slowly and goes wide eyed O.o as Morpher Intsu prepares
to strike.
Shiar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa
Crow: <Shira> ...aaaaaaaah, who am I kidding? I'm not scared of this dork.
AAAAAAAAAH!
Joel: Oh, just say Megami-Sama and get it over with!
Tom: Another successful root canal, performed by Intsu!
Crow: Too bad Shira wasn't a Crest kid....
There is a flash near the moon and a glowing object falls next to shira.
She
picks it up and hears a voice,
Joel: <glowing object> Shira! Heed my words! I am Foam!
Crow: <Shira> The legendary Amazon Queen? Or just another brand of
shaving cream?
Queen Serinity.
Tom: Ah yes, Queen Serinity, Ruler of the Moan Kingdom.
All: <giggles>
Queen Serenity: This is your new gem. Use it and the new power that comes
with it wisely. Say "Europa Gem Power, Make Up", as you always do, and
say "Europa tigers claw", as you always do, and I will give you further
instructions on how to use it's power.
Crow: <Queen Serenity> Then when you screw up and lose the gem, as you
always do, I'll provide you with another one and we'll go through this whole
explanation again!
Tom: Ah, the RPG mini-game syndrome.
Joel: What's the gem THIS time, talc? Gypsum? Gneiss? Shale?
Shira picks up the gem and nods to herself.
Joel: <Shira> Rhinestone... geez, your highness, why not just dress me
up like a cowgirl and call me Sailor Dolly?
Shira: Europa Gem Power, Make Up!
Shira holds up her gem. Her leotard part of her uniform forms in a flash
of
lightning. Then her gloves with the same effect, and her boots. The whole
screen flashes and the ribbon on her back, her skirt, her shoes, and her
earrings are all there. She places the gem on her forehead and her tiara
forms around it.
All: <applaud>
Crow: Now THAT'S how you do a typical transformation sequence!
She smiles and strikes a pose.
Tom: All right! Thank you, Sailor Pinup! Woo woo!
Crow: She can decorate my room anyday.
Joel: Ehh, she can't hold a candle to Makoto.
Crow: With or without the therapy?
Morpher Intsu: Eh? I took your gem,! You can't transform!
Sailor Europa: I can and I did! Europa Tigers Claw!
Tom: <Rei> So, having fun yet, Europa? Do you want to continue or
should I transform and play crispy critter?
Joel: Intsu's getting so flustered, he's double-punctuating.
Crow: Either that or lapsing into his native Canadian.
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Hey, you gas huffer! Dat's like no good, eh?
Sailor Europa removes her whol Tiara as it turns into a glob of gook.
All: <stare at the screen>
Joel: Come again?
Crow: Dare we ask?
Tom: Dr. Thinker strikes again!
It then reforms as a sickle with a hnadle made of tiger-eye and a hook of
gold.
Queen Serenity: Now, say "Jupiter Lightning Charge!"
Tom: It worked SO well last time, let's try it again!
Joel: <Makoto> HEY! HEY there! Why's she getting MY attacks?!?
Crow: <Rei> Yoo-hoo... remember, fry and they die? Well, if you need me,
I'll be in the can....
S. Europa: Now I'm going to make sure you don't do this to any more of my
friends! Jupiter Lightning Charge!
Joel: <Makoto> *snort* Hope you electrocute yourself, you power stealing,
no-talent hack!
Crow: Doesn't this fall under the purview of the United Sisterhood of Senshi
Local #387?
Sailor Europa holds sickle above her head. A bolt of lightning strikes it.
Tom: <Sailor Europa> ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!
Crow: That's the last time she listens to Foamy.
Joel: <shakes his head> Should've worn her rubber boots today.
It glows, crackling with electricity, but Sailor Europa seems unharmed.
She slashes at Morpher Intsu and hits. Some of the electricity is
transfered
to him.
M. Intsu: Argh!
Crow: <M. Intsu> Why ya salty sea bitch! I'll rip out yer gizzard for that!
Tom: Um, exactly what makes THIS energy attack any different from the
energy attack she used on Intsu before? Other than the fact that this
attack
looks to be a lot stronger and since Intsu feeds off energy, should only
boost
his power even further?
Joel: <shrugs> Maybe Intsu has the power of memory removal?
This noise wakes up Shoko who rubs her eyes. she feels around for her gem
and finds it. she stands up tiredly and holds up her opal.
Crow: <Shoko> Oh. Intsu is attacking us. Anybody seen my brush?
Tom: So are the rest of the senshi still sleeping then?
Joel: Boy, that marathon hide and seeking REALLY took it out of them.
Crow: Good thing they're not reconstructing the Moon Palace.
Joel: Yeah, whatever happened to Sailor Calypso anyway?
Tom: She's marching to the beat of a different steeldrum.
Shoko: Io gem power (yawns) make up...
<<< Typical sailor Io transformarion. >>>
Crow: ...will not be seen tonight so instead here's some suggestive pictures
of
Optimus Prime.
Sailor Io: (yawns) Okay, morpher, you're not going to get a(yawn)way
with waking me up! Io opal staff.
Crow: <Sailor Io> Threatening the lives of my friends and home is one
thing but waking me up out of a sound sleep... NOW, IT'S PERSONAL.
Sailor Io turns her gem into her staff.
Tom: <Sailor Io> All right, guys. We've got twenty-four hours to close
the Johnson account! Load up the coffee machine and tuck in the kids
cause it's time to set the midnight oil aflame!
Joel: The Io Saga! The only Sailor Moon 'fic with the courage to sail the
wide Accountant Sea!
Sailor Io charges Morpher iNtsu with her staff head-on. Morpher Intsu
manages to dogde, but is caught by Sailor Europa.
Crow: <Sailor Europa> Gotcha! Now I'm gonna turn you into my own
personal mudbath!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Never! I'll fight you to the last... sayyyyy, wait
a minute....
She shoves him out the door, and he rolls around on the ground.
Bots: <singing> He don't like to fight, he don't like to scuffle... he
dances
all night, doin' the Curly Shuffle!
Joel: <Sailor Europa> Oh, a wise guy, eh?
Sailor Io and Europa jump down, intending to finish the fight.
Crow: ...and the fic, he said hopefully.
Sailor Io: We can do this the easy way...
Sailor Europa: ....Or the hard way.
Sailor Io: Your choice.
Joel: <Sailor Mars> I'm guessing I'm the easy way then?
Tom: <Sailor Europa> But please pick the hard way, I need the aerobic
exercise!
Morpher intsu: I'd much rather have the hard way.
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Yep, just keep throwing those energy boost... uh, I
mean,
DRAINING attacks at me till I go down! Heh heh heh....
Crow: Yeah, when the goo wants you to use the hard way, warning!
Sailor Europa: Okay then! One hard way coming right up!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> And can I have a tough love combo meal as well?
Joel: <Sailor Mars> Do you want to be fried... I mean, fries with that?
Crow: Did Mamoru remember to run away yet?
Sailor Europa swings her sickle at M. Intsu as if to chop him down like a
bit
of wheat in a field.
Crow: <Author> Which is ironic since that's what a sickle is designed to do!
Cool, huh?
Joel: A bit of wheat? Like a Shreddie?
Tom: This author needs a thesaurus, stat!
He carefully molds himself so that there is an empty space where the sickle
is
moving.
Joel: He's mold? Eww! Get the Lysol!
Crow: <M. Intsu> Impressed? I pick up that little trick from Clayface!
M. Intsu: Is that the _best_ you can do, Sailor Europa?
Tom: <Sailor Europa> Aw, cram it, Odo!
Joel: <Sailor Europa> Actually, that was my C- effort. I have a lighter
though... want me to go for an A+?
Sailor Io: We haven't (gets cut off as Morpher Intsu tosses her aside with
a
molded tendril)... Itai..
Tom: <Sailor Io> If you tsutsuku us, do we not shukketsu suru? If you
kusuguru us, do we not warau? If you ni doku o moru us, do we not shinu?
And if you ni gai o ataeru us, shall we not want houfuku?
Crow: When gratuitous Japanese goes HORRIBLY wrong....
Sailor Europa looks over at her fallen sister.
S. Europa: Io! Are you okay? Aah! (she falls down to the ground as morpher
Intsu pulls her feet out from under her with his tendrils.) Ooof...
Tom: <Sailor Io> No, no! It's *Itai*! Get it right!
Joel: Man, those tendrils are a force to be reckoned with!
Morpher Intsu molds even more tendrils and picks up each sailor. He
squeezes them both, tightening his grip.
Crow: Great, suddenly we're reading Urotsukidoji... or La Blue Girl... or
Nightmare Campus or Demon Beast or Twin Dolls or....
Joel: Don't tell me you actually LIKE tentacle hentais?
Crow: Why, yes, Joel! In fact, every derogatory comment I've ever made
about
them in the past was all a ruse to lull you into a false sense of security
before I
finally admitted the truth here and now!
Tom: Are you now or have you ever lusted after Gypsy then, Crow?
Crow: <bigsweats> Err... no comment!
Sailor Europa, still holding a lightning charged sickle,
Tom: ...began waving it back and forth as the crowd screamed for an encore.
Crow: <Sailor Europa> Yeah, Slayer! WOO!
tries to touch the hook of it to a tendril. carefully sliding it down, she
manages to touch it. the lightning travels from the sickle to the tendril,
and on to Morpher Intsu's body
Joel: ...using capital letters as fuel during the long journey.
Tom: And this had been another episode of "Mr. Wizard". Next week: growing
a terrarium!
This transfere continues until Morpher Intsu unwraps his tendrils from
around Io and europa.
Morpher Intsu: Aaaarg!
Joel: Okay, who's got the next pirate riff?
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Aaaarg matey, if'n ya keep yer lips sealed an' make
me find ya special treasure, I won't keelhaul ya!
Joel: There's something about the way you said that....
Tom: <whistles innocently>
Sailor Io: Now for my idea of fun! (she brings her staff crashing down on
Morph-
er Intsu's head)
Morpher Intsu: Ouch...!
Crow: <Sailor Io> And this is my idea of mirth! *BONK!* And my
idea of pleasure! *CRASH!* And, oh yes, my idea of breakfast!
*SNAP, CRACK, POP!*
Tom: Funny, it sounds like Venus chewing gum to me.
Sailor Europa starts to run around morpher Intsu as Sailor Io keeps him
preocu-
pied. She hacks at each tendril and avoids them when they try to grab her.
Sailor Io: Hey! Where'd you learn that trick?
Joel: <Sailor Europa> Better Homes and Demon Gardens.
S. Europa: After not having the luxury of my spirit being sent to the
future,
living in battle, and being reincarnated ten times over, you learn things.
Crow: Yeah, like how and when to brag.
Tom: Things like... the capital of North Dakota.
Joel: <S. Europa> After all, you don't learn anything LIVING in battle!
Sailor Io nods.
S. Io: Yes. You sure do.
Tom: <S. Io> Yeah. Definitely. I'm an excellent driver. Yeah.
Crow: <S. Io> I was wondering... During which reincarnation did you learn
how
to kiss my ass?
Joel: <S. Europa> The fourth, right about the time I learned how to slap
that
smart mouth.
Crow: <S. Io> Rrrrrowl!
Joel: <S. Europa> Ffttt!
8. Marble room. Day.
Tom: Lack of descriptive prose. Dull.
Morpher Inma: Hmm... I sense that another force, related to the Dark
Kingdom is here. Kunzite, could you go take a look at it?
Joel: <Kunzite> What? Am I wearing a Red Shirt again?
Crow: <Kunzite> Sure thing, it's probably just that Obi-Wan brat. "Ooh,
my master's dead! I have to train the chosen one!" What a geek.
Kunzite steps forward and nods.
Kunzite: Yes, Mistress.
Kunzite then dissappears into thin air.
Tom: Therefore making it thick air.
Crow: <Kunzite> Look at this! Capture that! Cripes, at this rate I'll
never get any quality time with Zoysite!
9. int. Room filled with mirrors. Day.
Joel: Aww, they're just reusing the set from "Enter the Dragon".
Tom: I'm sensing a lot of bad luck in Kunzite's future.
Ruebeus: Petz, could you do me a favor?
Petz emerges from a mirror.
Petz: Sure. What do you need?
Tom: <Petz> More glass, boss?
Joel: <Ruebeus> What the heck do we have to do with this story again?
Crow: <Petz> I dunno. Maybe we're just cameoish atmosphere. Like
Geese Howard's pointless appearance in Fatal Fury 2....
Joel: <Ruebeus> Well, would the author mind pulling the plug on this
"Art in the Park" production? I don't think these people are buying all
these new senshi....
Tom: <Petz> Buying? They'll be lucky to unload them at a garage sale.
Ruebeus: I need you to take a look at an energy surge. It seems to be
related
to the Dark Kingdom, but we can never be too careful about who we trust.
Crow: <Ruebeus> It was caused by a worker in sector 7-G.
Tom: <Petz> Fine. What does an energy surge look like, anyway?
Petz: Of course. I'll go take a look at it right away.
Petz steps back into the mirror.
Joel: Oh, what is he? Candyman?
Crow: And now Petz and Reuben will reenact a scene from "Duck Soup."
10. Ext. Rei's Temple. Night.
Joel: Is it just me or are the scenes getting shorter?
Tom: <Rei> Let's play more hide and seek!
Crow: <Author> Ok, Cue scene 11! Shopping Mall food court! Day!
Joel: <Makoto> I'm still bored.
Crow: <Author> Good, on to scene 12! Marble Room! Day!
Tom: <Morpher Inma> *yawn*
Crow: <Author> Scene 13! Come on, pick it up, pick it up!
Petz appears out of nowhere, right in the middle of the battle between the
two
sisters and Morpher Intsu.
Tom: Sailor Nun?
Crow: And after all three of their most powerful attacks slammed into Petz,
he
collapsed, a charred skeleton on the floor.
Joel: Therefore learning the moral that everyone should know at an early
age... NEVER get in the middle of Ann Landers and Dear Abby having a
discussion....
Right now, Io and Europa are bruised and banged up a bit,
Crow: We missed a lemon scene?
Joel: Actually, we missed the Crash of the Moons.
Tom: That's what happens when your orbit decays....
but they seem to be okay, compared to Morpher Intsu. As Petz arrives,
the commosion slows down a bit as they all look at her hovering in air.
Tom: <Sailor Io> Whoa... I see London, I see France....
Joel: How did she get there? Is there a mirror in mid-air?
Crow: Of course. That's why the sky is blue, it reflects the sea.
Petz: (Thought) Hmmm... Definately from the Dark Kingdom..
Sailor Io: Who're you, green haired, poor excuse for Dark Kingdom waste?
Crow: Apparently, witty dialogue wasn't one of the things Team Io
learned after ten resurrections.
Joel: <Sailor Io> She's got GREEN hair! She must be from the Dark Kingdom!
Crow: Tell that to Setsuna.
Petz: I'm Petz, you annoying little brat!
Tom: <Chibi-Usa> Huh? Somebody calling me?
Sailor Europa: *whistle* man, somebody here needs a nap.
Joel: Hey, come on, don't taunt the author like that. She's stuck by you
this far, hasn't she?
Tom: <Sailor Io> *yawn* H-hey, shut up... I'm staying awake... *yawn*...
the best I... I... Zzzzzzzzzzz....
Crow: Speaking of naps, where are the rest of the Senshi? Did they just
vanish or what?
Joel: Maybe the author couldn't pay them and they walked off the fanfic?
During this time, a scorched, bruised and slashed Morpher Intsu heals a
little
and reforms as a giant tiger, ready to pounce the two sailors.
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Eat my frosted flakes, senshi! EAT EM! Don't they
taste
GRRRRRREAT?!?
Joel: <Sailor Io> OK, maybe it wasn't a good idea to taunt Petz with my
witty
comebacks for an entire hour while Intsu was healing and transforming into a
giantTIGERTHATISABOUTTOATTACK! RUN, EUROPA!
Now, Kunzite appears.
Joel: ...right under the tiger.
Tom: <Kunzite> Strange... why is everything so warm and furry and...
AHHHHHHHH!!!
Sailor Europa: What is it today? Wierdo-o-rama fest?
Crow: <Kunzite> I'm a weirdo? Have you seen how YOU'RE dressed?
Joel: <Sailor Io> I'm not a weirdo! And in the name of Io, I will punish
you... er... heheh... um... you're under arrest?
Kunzite: Ha ha. I'm here on order of Morpher Inma to take a look at the
power
source that she detected.
Morpher Intsu pounces, and since Sailor Io and Europa duck, he pounces
Kunzite, who was standing behind the two.
All: <Muted trumpet imitation> Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh
Joel: <Kunzite> I am sorry, but my heart belongs to another.
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> It's not your heart that I'm after!
Joel: <Kunzite> Eep!
Kunzite: I didn't know you cared....
Morpher Intsu reforms as a human.
M. Intsu: I _don't_.
Joel: <Petz> Umm, hello? Remember me? Mind taking a roll call, fanfic?
Morpher Intsu brushes himself off and gets up.
Petz: Ahem.. I'd like... (gets cut off)
Joel: <Petz> Hey! *HONK* Learn how to drive, idiot! *HONK*
Tom: <Petz> Are we finished? Hmm? As I was saying, I'll take a double
cheeseburger, fries, small Sprite and....
Sailor Io walks up to Kunzite and nudges him with her elbow.
Sailor Io: (stage whispered to Kunzite) He does care, he's just trying to
hide
it from you...
S. Europa walks up to M.Intsu and nudges him with her elbow.
Sailor Europa: (stage whispered to M. Intsu) He hates your guts, he just
doesn't want you to know....
Crow: Know what I mean, nudge nudge?
Tom: What the HELL is this? Loveline with Adam Io and Dr. Drew Europa?!?
Joel: Stage whispers... this IS a community theater massacre!
Morpher Intsu walks up to Kunzite. He clenches his fist.
Kunzite: You do care!
Morpher Intsu: (while Kunzite is talking) You hate me!
Tom: <Kunzite> And you ALWAYS talk when I'm talking! I HATE THAT!
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> YOU NEVER LOVED ME!!! YOU NEVER... <sob>...
L-LOVED ME... <sob> <whimper> <sob>....
Crow: <sighs> At this point, the fanfic has decided to forgo the throwing
up of the hands bit and just quietly stick its head into a wood chipper.
Morpher Intsu throws a punch at Kunzite. They start to argue.
Tom: Just another day on the Jerry Springer show.
Crow: <Kunzite> You call that a punch? A dairy farmer could hit harder
than that! My nose isn't even bleeding!
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Yeah... well... my dad can beat up your mom!
Petz: (as she stomps her foot in the air) _DO YOU MIND?!?!_
The two stop arguing and look up at Petz.
M. Intsu and Kunzite: (in unison) what?
Petz: I'd like to ask you a few questions...
Joel: <Petz> Why is the author turning this into a farce?
Crow: <Petz> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck....
Tom: <Petz> Does the author give a rat's behind about me at all?
Joel: <Mars> The author DOES care, she just forgot about you...
Tom: <Petz> Oh! Oh. that's... good to know... really.
Kunzite: Oh. What do you want to know?
Petz points to Morpher Intsu.
petz: For one, who are you?
<All groan loudly>
Joel: It's official... the fic has come around full circle... then again a
little
smaller... repeating over and over... until the story is completed flushed
down the literary toilet.
Tom: Nice imagery, Joel.
Crow: I'll man the plunger.
M. Intsu: Who, me? I'm Morpher Intsu of the Dark Kingdom.
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Why, don't you recognize me? I'm a worldwide known
villain and star of innumerable Sailor Moon fanfics, like... er... I know!
Wait, no, that wasn't me... uh... uh... wait, just give me a minute... uh...
Tom: Well, since his driver's license has a picture of goo, I can't imagine
Petz
drawing a distinction between him and mildew.
Petz: (thought) Ruebeus was right, it is related to the Dark Kingdom...
Kunzite: is that all?
Crow: <Kunzite> AS YOU WERE, PRIVATE!
Joel: <M. Intsu> Where were we again?
Tom: <Kunzite> Debating each other's mortality as two Sailor Senshi
look on. How's the popcorn, girls?
Crow: <Sailor Europa> We wouldn't know. Usagi finished the bag.
Joel: <Usagi> *Gargg gargg gargg gargg*... Needs more salt! *Gargg gargg
gargg gargg*...
Petz nods and fadees out. The arguement picks up again. Sailor Io and
Europa giggle uncontrolably in the background.
Joel: Sailor Io and Europa! Spreading the seeds of discontent for over
fifteen
hundred years!
Crow: <Sailor Europa> We may not have the senshi's original powers, but boy
are we naughty!
Tom: <Sailor Io> If not for us, there might have been a Golden Millennium!
Sailor Io says! <giggles>
<<< Typicla SM ending. >>>
Crow: With new crappier spelling!
Tom: Whew! It's over! It's finally over! We can stick a fork in this fic,
cause it's done, done, DONE!
Joel: And remember, folks, help control the pet population. Have your Petz
spayed or neutered!
Crow: Can it, Bob Barker.
<<< The opening song runs. >>>
Tom: <horrified> OH MY GOD! IT'S NOT OVER! IT'S *STARTING
OVER*!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! <starts vibrating violently>
Joel: Yikes! We'd better get Tom out of here before he reaches ground zero!
Crow: Right! Let's burn rubber, baby!
(Crow takes off like a shot out of the theater while Joel struggles to keep
a
firm grip on the vibrating Tom as he rushes after him.)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Small wisps of steam continued to rise from Tom's body as Crow
frantically flapped a towel in his direction while Joel pressed ice packs
against
his body.
"Are you feeling better now, Tommy?" Joel inquired.
"Y-Yeah... I think I'll be okay now. Sorry if I scared you guys...."
Tom apologized.
"Hey, it was a long fic, we understand." Crow replied. "I'm just
glad I didn't have to put on that damn waffle suit again."
"So, Tom, do you feel up to analyzing the second chapter with Crow
and I or would you rather sit this one out?"
"Nah, I think I can handle a little analysis." Tom replied confidently.
"OK, I'll go first...." Joel took a deep breath before continuing. "The
first part, despite its grammar flaws and gratuitous Japanese, has some
promising stuff nonetheless. A new enemy, a new band of sailor senshi with
a
cause and somewhat of a history. It looked like the beginning of what could
have been a good series."
"But then in Chapter Two, the author seemed to run out of ideas. She
introduced Team Charon in the opening scene and then never mentioned them
again. Then after a few padded scenes, we're told Mamoru was kidnapped
and replaced with Morpher Intsu despite no solid evidence *whatsoever* of
Mamoru's kidnapping or details of his escape! And when Mamoru does get a
chance to fight, he's swatted aside like a fly!" Crow continued.
"Yeah, and getting back to Morpher Intsu, all the author had to do
was give a somewhat plausible reason like 'I've got a magic amulet that
protects me from fire!' or 'I've covered myself head to toe with asbestos!'
to
explain why Sailor Mars didn't simply fry his ass again... but nothing
doing,"
Tom added sadly.
"Come to think of it, didn't Morpher Inma say in the first part that
she was going to summon allies from the Underworld? Why not use THEM
against the senshi? And what's up with that ending?" Crow wondered.
"Well, I'm just guessing here, but I think the author knew the story was
in serious trouble at this point and decided to get silly at the end. Since
there's
no mention of a chapter three, I guess she gave up on the story entirely."
Joel remarked.
"Still, you have to admire her incredibly accurate portrayal of Tux-boy.
She smelled the wuss on him coming a mile away and just ran with that ball
right to the end zone!" Crow laughed.
"Hey, you're right! I almost forgot to thank her for that! Thanks,
Sarah!"
Tom replied happily.
"Yeah, I think Sarah deserves a ramchip! In fact, we'll gladly eat a few
in your honor! What do you say, Joel?" Crow offered.
Joel shook his head and smiled. "You guys crack me up...." he remarked
as the red light began flashing on the counter. "What do ya think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester's face had gone purple, his teeth clenched tightly and
his eyes bulging out as he grabbed a nearby phone book and after several
violent tugged, managed to rip it in half. He gasped with exertion for
several
moments as he glared at the viewscreen.
"You've won this round, Robinson... but don't think you've seen the last
of Dr. Clayton Forrester! No way! One day I'm going to finally find the
fanfic
to
break you and the ultimate triumph WILL be mine!"
"Hey, whatever you say, Morpher Intsu!" Joel replied cheerfully.
"OH, GO SUCK A LOADPAN!" Dr. Forrester retorted as he slammed his
hand down on the button.
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (megane67@home.com)
Author's Notes: Greetings! I just want to apologize for taking so long to
get
back to a solo MSTing. The last few months I've been helping out with
various
FFIRC collaborations and they've been a blast! (Except for editing, of
course.;P) You can find these collaborations on the 'MSTing For All Seasons'
webpage http://www.nabiki.com/mst, which was set up by my good friend
Zoogz and contains revised versions of all of my previous MSTings, fanfics,
and MSTing collaborations, as well as, 'The FFIRC MST Archive' and 'Zoogz's
Annex'. Also, I'm looking over a couple of fics for the first MSTing of
Season
Four and hopefully it shouldn't take as long as this one did. :)
I've been MSTing for almost four years now and I want to thank each and
every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and
who have helped me throughout these last three years. I treasure every
piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some
people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped
encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the
bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you
laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested many riffs for this MSTing. He is a very
funny and talented author and you can find his works at his new webpage
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz including his Utena MSTing 'Ma Vie et Roses'.
He is currently working on a new Ah! My Goddess MSTing called
'Keiichi's Bloody Sunday' and an original fanfic called 'Point Source', both
of them coming soon to a fanfiction archive near you!
Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice
things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his
latest works 'The Ghost Prison' and 'For a Dying Friend', you can reach
him at kleppe@mediaone.net or his new webpage at
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy
to send the story along to you.
Finally I'd like to thank Sarah J. Gates for writing 'The Io Saga' and
giving me a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not offended.
It's all meant in good fun. :)
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0
http://svhp.webjump.com/
(Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/)
SEASON ONE
------------------
101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic)
SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM/SPAWN Crossover)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon)
210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon)
SEASON THREE
----------------------
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic)
304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON"
by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic)
306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon)
307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic)
308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent
(R1/2 Lemon)
309- "I WANT TO MEET A PRINCE LIKE DEAR OLD DAD, MOM,
SIS, BRO & FRISKY!" by Katherine (Utena Lemon)
310- "THE IO SAGA" PT. 1-4 by Sarah J. Gates (SM Fanfic)
SHORTY!
-------------
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
103- PHEROMONES!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!
105- THE SECRET FLAW!
OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
---------------------------------------------------------
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover)
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)
Lefty's MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm
'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)
Website Number 9 MSTings
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml
"THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee
(Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)
Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
*New Collaberations*
"REDHEADS" by Robert "Kenko" Haynie
(Slayers/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"WILD SILVER" by Francis Bourque
(Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"RELATIONSHIPS" by Sidewinder
(Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)
The FFIRC MST Archive
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/ffirc/
OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING
Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz
The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot"Wong
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html
'SuicideBlast' by: Keener
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html
Additional links for Keener's stuff
-- http://tmffa.com/
-- http://www.redrival.com/myrriden/index.html
Flashman's Flash Point
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/
JOLT!!!
http://members.home.net/jolt.caffiene/welcome.htm
Website Number 9 MSTings
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml
Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page!
http://carnage.fanfic.org
A Sailor Moon Romance
http://moonromance.simplenet.com/
Zen's Fanfiction Page
http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html
Webdragon's Lair
http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/
Sean Gaffney's Webpage
http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html
">Sailor Mercury: Umm, do you mind telling us what is going on?"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
desaix@sysnet.net
Sir Desaix, member # 116 of the Knights of the True Fiancee
anime fanfics available at
http://www.geocities.com/zednik.geo/fanfics.htm
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