Felt like C&C'ing an original...

suit jacket.  The train was so much more crowded than usual.  

As described, this train might be very normal, rather than more
crowded than usual.  Especially if this is rush hour.

     Of course, she thought.  This is where the words glow and the 
train disappears and I see the giant robots fighting.  

Ah, she's been watching Dual!

bugging you,' the mental voice noted.  'You can't believe a 
Japanese would write something like that.'
     'It probably was,' Istuko relented.  'Why would a foreigner 
write it anyway?'

A typical Japanese might very well expect random graffiti to
be written by Japanese juvenile delinquents, especially if the
graffiti is not very original.  This graffiti is not original,
but the idea it expresses is subversive enough.

Suggest using this reflection to characterize Itsuko;  have her
reflect on how people she knows would interpret the graffiti,
and why they're wrong:  conservative grandfather, liberal
collegian older brother, returnee overseas schoolmate.

     'Maybe he'll have a school girl fetish, and then you'd really 
have him where you want him.'

It's only a 'fetish' if the author is a salaryman; if he's
college-age, he would just prefer slightly younger women.

     The graffiti.  "You're..."
     'Ah, but, am I he message, or the messenger?'

typo:  "am I the message,"

     She felt another jerk, and she lost her balance.  She fell on 
her backside, and scrabbled to her feet, pressed so hard in a 

'scrambled', I think you mean

group of businessmen, she could barely breathe.
     'It's a good thing you're not claustrophobic.'
     She felt a hand.  "Oh damn," she grumbled.  A pervert.  She 
looked around, but couldn't move her head enough to find the 
source.  She squirmed, trying to maybe squeeze out of the way, but 
to no avail.

How crowded is this train?  If she can't even move her head
(which is actually plausible, for Tokyo), then how can she
fall on her backside?

     She watched as a spark, nothing more than a glint, became a 
flame on a man's coat, then a leaping flame engulfing everyone in 
the train car.  She watched as the entire train sparked, and 
exploded in slow motion.

This could use some work, I think, both as image, where it's good
but could be better, and as plot, where it's not clear what the
cause is.  Is Itsuko causing the spark?  And is she causing the
spark to fan into a flame?

     "What?"  The world sped up again, and she looked at the 
sudden chaos around her.  "I didn't do that."
     'You killed them because they were all the same.'

So _she_ didn't realize that she was the cause, but you could
describe it so that the reader is sure, at the time, whether
she is the cause or not.

     'You're different now.'  The voice seemed satisfied with 
itself.

An appropriate time to mention 'nails which stand out get
hammered down', perhaps.

The story is built on symbolism, as clunky and unsubtle as those 
symbols are. On the whole I'd say it isn't bad for an hour's work.

Not at all.  Very good for one hour's work.

Technical:  grammar and spelling good, just two typos
Plot:  You do a good job of hooking the reader, dribbling out the
	info as to what's going on so that the reader will keep reading.
Characters:  Characterizing Itsuko in a very concrete way would
	help your readers feel more involved.  For instance, you
	might, early on, give us one or two of her near-term
	concerns:  tests coming up?  boyfriend problems?
	As is, she reads like everywoman.
Setting:  The crowded train description is good as it stands, and
	accurate, but could be improved.  Try to grab the reader
	viscerally:  what about smell?  Light?  If the train is
	currently above-ground, as it might be if it is still outside
	the center of Tokyo, it might be bright enough to bother Itsuko's
	eyes.  What about dust?  How loud is it?
Theme:  Seems confused to me.  Itsuko is involuntarily becoming a
	stand-out, rather than choosing it, or at least she thinks this
	is the case.  This isn't exactly the same thing as 'questioning
	authority'.  And what's with killing all those people, if she
	did?  Does this reinforce or negate your theme?
Tone:  You seem to be trying for a somewhat impressionistic style.
	It's not clear to me how much the reader is supposed to take
	as 'true'.  I think you are successful at using this style
	technically, and it does seem to suit the story, but I'm not
	so sure it's an overall artistic success.  Does it match the
	theme?

Hope this helps; I wrote the C&C up is much less than an hour.
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