I got an admin message saying this never made it to the list, so I apologize in
advance if it accidentally posts twice.

--

I haven't seen too many Love Hina fics; then again, I haven't been looking real
hard, either. This one was pretty good.

On the positive side, you managed to mix the visual chaotic style of the series
with the occasional one-on-one dramatic moment pretty well. The reality-bending
visual gags like Motoko's techniques and so on were given just enough
description to acknowledge the aspect of Love Hina's comedy without feeling
weird... I've often had that problem in my own writing, since everything written
has the same 'visual weight', the toss-off slapstick gags end up feeling out of
place. Here, they work fine.

I especially liked how Naru felt 'lost' after finding out the truth, and ended
up contradicting herself numerous times and being emotionally scattershot across
the board. It's very realistic, since most people would be pretty confused and
directionless in that situation. Giving Mitsune and Haruka some depth they
rarely shows in the series is also a boon, since they usually end up playing
minor roles.

A few negatives also concern the nature of Love Hina's chaos itself. In the
first episode, which largely revolved around the party, the writing felt weaker
and more crazed; having five-plus characters in one room with all of them
talking ends up being very disjointed, very disorienting. Normally that'd be a
good thing since it instills the same kind of feeling in the reader, but I had a
hard time trying to follow it all (in a BAD way rather than a good way). I have
no solution for this; it's similar to the above problem where all things carry
the same visual weight and as a result, capturing something that's usually
expressed in a wild animation style is tricky.

I'd like to have seen more of Keitarou's reaction in episode two after the bomb
was dropped. Time passed, a fair amount of time, but all we saw was Naru's
situation and Mitsune's reaction. Hopefully episode three will cover the gap and
we'll find out how Keitarou is dealing with things.

Looking forward to the next part.

-2f
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