"Kit" <third_child@hotmail.com> wrote:

   The young 8 year-old looked worriedly into the eyes of

Suggest: young eight year-old	(words scan better than numerals)

her mother. She wasn't sure when her mother was hit by the

when her mother had been hit by

   "Should I pull it out, mama?" her trembling voice

out, Mama?"

begged, trying to sound strong.
   "* Cough-cough *, no my little angel." Looking at her

Suggest you do this as something like:

Mama coughed. "No, my

You're not doing script here, so don't put stuff that isn't dialog in
dialog.

   "No, mama!" she squealed, throwing herself against her

"No, Mama!"	(Capitalize relations when used as a name)

mothers body.

mother's

   "Here," Akane wiped at her tears, as her mother

"Here."	(She isn't wiping the line of dialog, so it's a separate
sentence.)

   "You have to go now. I will try to follow later, but you
must go now!" The last of her plea was almost lost as she
stared another couching fit.

started

   Ku Lon looked across the fires at the bound girl. The

That's not her name. The Chinese characters for it are explicitly given
in the manga; they romanize as Ke Lun. (FYI, Mousse is Mu Si, Shampoo is
Shan Pu.)

Council of Elders had gathered to decide the fate of the
young outsider. Searchers will still out looking for the

were still	(I think you meant to say)

girl's mother, but her fate was already decided. If she
still lived, she would be killed.

MOM: And what if I'm not still alive when I'm found?

KE LUN: Then you'll be allowed to go free.

MOM: Really? Thanks!

   The girl was another matter. She had not actually
handled the forbidden treasure, so she was safe from her
mother's fate. However, she was alone. After the actions of
her mother, no one would be willing to leave, just to
attempt to return her to her family. Some of the village
wanted to just turn her loose and leave her to her fate.
Unfortunately, most where upset about not being able to

most were

It might work better to show this as a scene, maybe an argument between
Ke Lun and some other Amazons, instead of just summarizing the different
views that are held.

   Author's Notes: Oh, btw, this is an Alt Univ story (if
you couldn't guess :)  Other than the usual C&C (of which I
am begging for),

Let's not forget that *doing* C&C is a better way of getting it than
begging.

what I really need to know is if this is
working.

Um, well, I'm not sure. It's potentially interesting, but I'd like to
know what Akane's attitude is toward Ke Lun's offer. If Akane is going
to just accept her new life with the Amazons, I'm not sure how much
conflict you have left, but if she resists on some level or other, there
are some good possibilities. So I guess I'd need to see more to judge.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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