Before getting into the story, I have a request to make. I really need
prereaders for some of my latest projects: A General Time Paradox,
specifically the newly-complete draft of chapter 8; and the rewrite of A
Deadly Choice (I'd like to get some prereaders who read the original
version, as well as some who haven't). Anyone who is interested, please
reply to Matthew.P.Katinas@Rose-Hulman.Edu

And now for the fic. This is the product of last Sunday's Hour Fanfic
Challenge on FFIRC. It's an idea that I was mulling over for a bit, but
it wasn't enough even for a regular spamfic. As an hour fic, however, it
works quite well. The story is a parody of the common "psycho-bitch"
stereotype of anime Akane. It represents not only my first-ever Hour
Challenge, but also the first full story written in my new style.

Enjoy!


Fiancee Who?
A Ranma 1/2 story

    Tension was high in the Tendo home, as it always was before a major
skirmish. The battle, as usual, would be between the youngest Tendo
daughter, Akane, and the sole Saotome son, Ranma. The joining of these
two forces inevitably led to conflict, usually three times a day if not
more. However, on this beautiful spring evening, the conflict would take
an unexpected (although highly anticipated) turn...
    Ranma pinched his nose shut to block out the smell of the rotting
animal in front of him. "You just had to try a meat dish, didn't you?"
he asked.
    "I washed it to get the tire marks out!" said Akane, defending both
her culinary skill and the particular dinner which Ranma was so loath to
taste. "Just try one bite, and if you really don't like it... I'll
understand." Her tone told Ranma that, yes, she would understand, but
she would carry the shame of the failed meal in her heart like an
anchor.
    Ranma swallowed, a task that would become much more difficult once
he had put some of the food into his mouth. "One bite?" he asked, half
expecting her to retract her offer.
    "One bite," she confirmed. "I just want you to taste it."
    "All right." Ranma picked up his chopsticks and carefully selected a
small chunk of the unrecognizable carcass. He lifted it to his mouth,
tilted his head back, and swallowed it without chewing. Even though the
animal was dead - and probably had been for several days, judging by the
smell - it still seemed to crawl down his throat, writhe around in agony
in his stomach, and then settle down to build a nest in his intestines.
Ranma's eyes watered.
    "Well?" said Akane, clasping her hands in eager anticipation. "How
is it?"
    Ranma opened his mouth as if to speak, but all that came out was a
rough gurgling sound. He pounded himself on the chest and coughed. The
sensation of a living organism in his gut died down a bit, allowing him
to croak out a single word. "Akane..."
    "Yes?"
    "I can honestly say that I don't think I'll ever eat anything better
for as long as I live."
    "Really?" Akane's eyes sparkled as she completely ignored his
insinuation.
    "Yeah, because this dinner is going to kill me!" replied Ranma,
breaking the truth to Akane with megaton verbal force. While the veins
popping out of Akane's forehead shifted through successively darker
shades of purple, Ranma ranted on, twisting the figurative knife ever
deeper. "I can't believe you expected me to eat even one bite of that!
Don't you at least try this stuff before you serve it? I'd say that
testing this stuff on animals would be cruelty, but it was cruel enough
just to make it!"
    As Ranma watched, he could almost see the volcano forming on Akane's
head in an unsuccessful attempt to let off steam. Instead, it all came
out in the usual verbal tirade. "FINE!" she shouted, slamming her hands
down on the table. "If you don't like the food that I spent three hours
preparing for you, then you don't have to eat it! But you don't have to
insult it! You don't have to insult me!"
    "Well, if you didn't keep making this crud..." began Ranma.
    It was the straw that broke the ever-fragile camel. "THEN JUST EAT
IT AND DIE!" she shouted, swinging her fist at Ranma's head.
    Akane had never seen Ranma block her angered punches before. But
this time, he managed to raise his hand in time to stop her fist from
landing, holding it steady several inches from his head. Ranma, too,
seemed surprised by his unusual agility, staring at his hand in
disbelief and blinking. They both sat in that position, afraid to move.
    Eventually, of course, something would happen to shatter the
serenity of the scene. In this case, it was Soun Tendo walking down the
adjoining hallway and turning his head to see Ranma sitting there,
holding Akane's hand tightly. He immediately began to shed tears of joy.
"SAOTOME!" he called out. "Come look! They've done it at last!"
    Genma Saotome nearly leapt down the stairs in his haste to see the
amazing spectacle. "I don't believe it..." he whispered. "The day has
finally come."
    "No!" protested Akane. "It's not what you think!"
    "Yeah!" agreed Ranma. "We ain't holdin' hands! We were fighting!"
    "Ranma, did you manage to stop Akane from hitting you?" asked Soun
eagerly.
    "Well, yeah," replied Ranma. "She's so slow, I'm surprised I never
managed it before." The fist on which he still held such a tight grip
shuddered in anger as the other one swung in a punch at Ranma's face.
Ranma's free hand blocked the punch even before he felt it coming.
    "It's true!" cheered Soun. "He's done it!"
    "Done what?" asked Ranma. "Blocked a punch? What's so special about
that?"
    "Everything," said Genma, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "Ranma
my boy, the time has come to tell you the truth."
    "I'm so proud of you, son!" cheered Soun. "And of Akane, for helping
him master the ancient art of Fiancee Fu!"
    "FIANCEE FU?" chorused Ranma and Akane.
    "That's right," said Genma. "This engagement was never meant to end
in marriage. It was simply the only way for Ranma to learn how to defend
himself against an angry woman."
    "You mean, this whole time..." Ranma's face paled.
    Genma chuckled. "Of course! You didn't think we'd actually encourage
such an obvious mismatch, did you? What kind of parents would we be?"
    "The secret of Fiancee Fu," explained Soun, "is to unite the male
martial artist with a female he simply can't get along with. When the
girl gets angry, she attacks the boy, and he eventually learns to defend
himself. Once he can overcome his supposed fiancee, he can handle any
woman, no matter how unstable her temper!"
    "So, you've just been using me all this time..." Akane's fists slid
out of Ranma's hands and fell to the floor.
    "We tried plenty of other girls," explained Genma. "But none of them
had nearly the sort of violent mood swings we needed." He laughed at his
own pun. "Get it, Tendo? Violent!"
    "Don't worry, Akane," said Soun. "We have a fiance already picked
out for you to replace Ranma. Ryoga Hibiki!"
    Akane blinked in surprise. "Ryoga? Why Ryoga?"
    "Well, the two of you already sleep together every night," said
Soun. "I thought it was only natural that the two of you get married."
    "I don't sleep with -" Akane's mouth continued to move, but her
voice failed her.
    Happosai strode into the dining room and pointed an angry finger at
Ranma. "Ranma! How dare you learn Fiancee Fu! I tried for years, and
never managed to figure out the secret! It's the one technique I could
never master!" He threw himself onto Akane's chest. "Akane... let me
soothe my jealousy in your ample -"
    "GET LOST!" shouted Akane, kicking the old man through the roof.
    Ranma stared through the new hole in the roof. "I get it. This
Fiancee Fu thing... it's just a technique for perverts who want to feel
up girls without getting beaten up, isn't it?"
    "Of course not!" said Genma. "It's useful for fighting any angry
woman. Actually, there's one woman in particular who's been causing a
lot of trouble not far from here. You were chosen as the most likely
candidate to be able to learn Fiancee Fu and take care of her."
    Ranma took a deep breath to stop the room from spinning with his
confusion. "So, this whole time... and my whole life... you've been
training me for one fight?"
    "That's right!" said Genma proudly. "And you've done it just in
time! She's just arrived!"
    Ranma turned around to look out the back door. His eyes grew wide as
they took in the full form of the visitor. She floated several inches
above the koi pond, dressed in a revealing two-piece tigerskin bikini,
with long aqua hair that almost completely hid a pair of tiny horns that
stuck out of the top of her head. Lightning crackled around her hands as
she set eyes on Ranma. "Darling!" she said accusingly. "I've been
looking for you for a long time-tcha!"

Notes:

Yes, it's an Urusei Yatsura crossover. Hope nobody minds...

The title is actually a pun. In Japanese phonetics, it reads as "Fiancee
Fu."

------------------------------------------------------

REESE: Okay, we've got to think of a really dirty nickname for that girl
who's been bugging you and spread it around school... what was her name
again?
DEWEY: Regina Tucker.
REESE: (pause) We'll think of something.

FORCHE: Hey! Far out!
NIGHTCRAWLER: I swear, that homey's lingo is so whack!

ZETA: It's a 20th century illumination-providing device known as a light
bulb. Apparently, it caused a great deal of trouble near the end of the
century.
RO: Why is that?
ZETA: Nobody could agree on how many people it took to change one.

My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp


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