From: "K'thardin" <kthardin@yahoo.com>
To: "Morgan Hudson" <Dataraven_659@excite.com>
CC: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C][FANFIC][TENCHI][ETERNAL HEAVENS CHAPTER 3 -
CRUSADERS ASSEMBLE]
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 2001 23:44:55 -0800
Ooooh. As I read the C&C I noted one thing I definately forgot to mention
was that
this was a motely collection of characters from the Manga "No Need for
Tenchi" that
is being distributed by VIZ here in the states. A guy called Hitoshi Okuda
does it,
and it's probably the only thing good to come from the series outside of
the first
set of OVAs.
> Hi, K'thardin!
Welcome back. ^_^
> Well, I may still be slogging through my backlog, but I AM making
> a bit of headway! And imagine my surprise when I saw this little
> gem sparkling at me from my Inbox. ^_^
You'll likely be seeing them more often now that I'm out of the Navy for
the most
part. Heh.
*ahem* YAY!
> > Author's forword: �One of these days I'll get around to the main
> > point or three of this fic. �Promise. ^_^
>
> Gourry Gabriev: "We're just getting further away from the main plot
> here, aren't we?"
>
> Don't worry. I'll muddle through somehow. Given the focus on Kiyone
> (one of my favorite Tenchi characters) in chapter one, and the rather
> interesting Regent you introduced in chapter two, I think I'll be able
> to stay awake through this one, too. ^_~
Ouch. ^_^ Heheheh, geez. Hmm...it's just from here I have one of two ways
I could
go. And though both ways will get me to the end, I'm just not sure about
the order.
Oh well, guess I'll just have to go ahead and do whatever comes out first.
Still, I
haven't quite introduced all the characters yet, and I know some people are
ready to
kill me because I haven't introduced someone in particular who was pivotal
in the
last version of this story.
Well, we await with baited breath. Now where did I put that Listerine...
It's nice to be loved. ^_^
> > Now I'll beg for C&C.
>
> Okay, then maybe I'll go ahead and give some. ^_^
>
> BTW, please keep your hands and arms inside the C&C at
> all times. If you should experience any discomfort, keep
> in mind that this is IMHO only and consult a physician.
> In case of an emergency, the exits are clearly marked,
> probably by a little button that says "delete".
Yeah, but you at least noticed more stuff than most people have. My
prereaders have
degenerated into "Cool fic! Gimme more!" statements. While that does
wonders for
the ego, I need more of what I just got right here. Heh.
Well then, I guess the rest of us will just have to check harder.
> And with that over with, here we go! ^_^
>
> > Gathering of the Children
> > �-Crusaders Assemble
>
> I know you're expecting me to make an "Avengers" joke here, but
> I won't. Just thought you'd like to know that.
Can't blame a guy for trying. ^_^
> > <Opening Theme: �Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses>
> >
> >� � "Fascinating." she said to herself, "How very...droll."
>
> Uh-oh. Generally speaking, any time somebody says something like
> this in a story, it means big trouble for everybody else. Especially
> if it's a scientist. Am I right?
Usually. This lady in the Manga was Washuu's equal in most respects. Cept
for the
area of sex. Yumi wasn't quite as...horny as Washuu. ^_^
You think if she allowed herself to develop past puberty, that would change?
^_^
> >� � "Mistress Yumi?"
> >� � The short furry scientist looked up, brushing her long ears
> > across the edge of one of the floating black holographic computer
> > terminals causing it to distort momentarily. �She grinned at her
>
> I think you need an "and" between "terminals" and "causing". I may
> be wrong: I'm not exactly the punctuation king, or anything.
Or maybe a comma. It definately looks like there should be some kind of
pause there
though.
> > dark shrouded companion before returning to tapping her fingers
>
> Tiny question: is he a dark companion wearing a shroud, or a companion
> wearing a dark shroud? Because one woukd be a "dark, shrouded companion"
> and one would be a "dark-shrouded companion". What you have written
could
> be either.
You know, when I saw this just now I noticed the same thing. Weird, huh?
^_^ Yeah,
I'll fix that.
> >� � She barely noted his inquiry as she reached out and used
> > her taller companion's cloaked arm for support, and hopped off
> > the floating green poof pillow she was sitting on. �For his part,
> > he had moved his arm out in clockwork-like movements, in time
> > with her motion, to facilitate her dismount.
> >� � Obviously he did this often.
>
> I think you should drop the "obviously" here. It sounds too much like
the
> narrator is speaking directly to the audience, and that spoils the mood
a
> little. Just "He did this often" would be fine.
Noted. Will change.
I dunno, I kinda like it. It's like a side note or something.
> BTW, I'll mention it here because it's as good a place as any. You
> may want to leave a line of blank space between your paragraphs, to
> make reading a bit easier for your audience. Some font sizes and
> space widths can make indents alone kind of hard to pick out.
Hmm...alright. I'll see about doing that for future installments. Note I
wouldn't
do this if just anyone requested this. ^_-
> >� � She walked around him, her hands still on his arm, though
> > unable to encircle it with both hands as big as it was. Leading
> > him to another set of terminals, she used his arm to pull herself
> > up and onto a reddish gold colored floating cushion. �Idily her
>
> I think you mean "Idly", not "Idily". And I'm not sure, but you might
> want to put a comma after it, too.
See what I mean? If my prereaders would do their jobs and quit stroking my
ego, I
wouldn't have these embarrasing mistakes. ^_-
> > taller associate wondered if the lack of a backrest was good for
> > her posture.
> >� � "Ever have a question about something, Hishima? �Something
> > that just nagged at you and nagged at you and nagged at you 'til
> > it drove you insane?"
>
> Okay, I get that this is Yumi talking to Hishima, but since he was
> the last person mentioned, it sounds as though he's the one talking
> here. You might want to mention Yumi doing something, either before
> or after the dialogue. Scratching her head, looking at him, whatever.
> She just needs to mentioned, so we know she's talking.
Alright. That sounds good actually.
> >� � Hishima seemed to think for a moment, "I remember trying to
> > find the name of the artist who sang the Highlander theme at one
> > time."
>
> Queen wrote and performed that song. Unless you mean the actual name
> of the person who was the singer.
Either/or. Heh, that's a little joke of mine. It took me forever to find
out the
album that song was on.
> >� � Yumi nodded. �"Yes, I remember that. �By the way," she said
> > ominously, and not just normal ominously, this being pit of doom
> > may you burn for all eternity in the fires of Inferno ominously,
>
> You need some hyphens there, pal. "...being pit-of-doom-may-you-burn-
> for-all-eternity-in-the-fires-of-Inferno ominously..."
>
> And I assume you did that on purpose. The "Highlander" to "Inferno"
> connection, I mean.
You actually got that one? Wow! I'm surprised, I thought that one was
fairly vauge.
Heh. You're right about the hyphens though.
> For those with no idea what I'm talking about, Jim Byrnes played both
> Jack Dawson in the "Highlander" television series and Inferno in "Beast
> Wars".
Plotz: I did not know that.
>
> > "if you start singing that again, I will have to rip your memory
> > modules out."
>
> So, he's either a cyborg or a robot, then. To have "memory modules",
> I mean. Gotcha.
I'm not sure either of those concepts apply to Hishima. He's a self
evolving war
machine, created by Yumi. I think he's more...techno-organic if even that
can be
applyed to what he is. Right now he looks like Gohegi's transformed state,
because
Gohegi was the last one he fought (or at least the last one he could adapt
to...Tenchi was next, but he couldn't adapt to the LHW), so he evolved to
become
stronger than Gohegi and took on a few of his attributes.
In other words, she means his equivalent to his brain? Or just a set of
brain-augmenting implants?
>
> >� � "Now," she echoed raising her finger to the sky and
> > shouting in enthusiastic abandon, "Now, it's high time we
> > gathered our suck...err...allies to aid us!"
>
> How very Washuu-like of her to put it like that. ^_^
Yumi's a lot like Washuu. She's a bit more uptight though. Needs to get
laid most
likely.
Not with that build.
> >� � "Refresh my memory: didn't we get our collective ass handed
> > to us last time we tried this?" �It was with great relief when he
> > found himself moving into and through test equipment, thinking my
> > it's nice that Mistress Yumi is still her normal bitchy self; and
> > oh is that the Really Big Fish? �Hi Mr. Fish! �I'd wave, but I
> > think I've just found myself imbedded in this...nope, went right
> > on through the wall. �Cool! That was solid duranium! �Oh, stars!
> > I see them!
>
> You've been reading "Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy", haven't
> you? This was amusingly reminiscent of the scene with the
> whale. ^_~
The one that fell from the sky? ^_^
For some reason, I'm reminded of that fist from thet Tenchi Universe Episode
where the girls were running booths at the Carnival. Ryoko had a
fish-catching booth where this massive fish leapt out of the water, said: "I
AM A BIG FISH," and splashed back into the tank.
> >� � Yumi playfully walked over, and looked down upon him,
> > "NEVER doubt my skill...Oh DAMN IT! �I broke a nail!"
> >
> >� � "Gohegi..." was all she managed to get out, before she
> > quite literally passed out. �
>
> Woah! Yumi must not work out much, if breaking a nail is all
> it takes to make her pass out.
>
> And who's Gohegi?
Warrior monk. Humorous. Got one hell of a character design.
> > Sweat pouring off her body in
> > amounts that would have her body begging for water when she
> > regained consciousness, and a shower soon after. �Her hair,
> > unbound, flowed around her and her bedmate in a shower of dark
> > blues and purples as she unceremoniously landed upon his chest.
>
> Ah, we've changed scene. You might want to put up a slightly more
> tangible warning. Me, I use stars. Some people use hyphens, or
> lines, or dollar signs... pretty much anything will do, as long as
> it's used constantly enough for everyone to know what it means.
I forgot that? Damn. Will fix.
> >� � The man didn't hesitate in taking her offer, and moved down
> > to kiss the woman. �Then from her full and juicy lips, down her
> > silken neck. �Fangs in his mouth bared themselves as he ran them
> > along her creamy skin. �He grimaced suddenly, a small growl
> > escaping from his throat, before he forcefully pulled himself
> > away from the object of his desire.
>
> Okay... lycanthrope? Or maybe nosferatu? Or he is just something
> we've never heard of before? The "bony protrusions" on his arms
> sound like something new to me...
Think Gyver. I'll have to see about describing them better. Basically he
transformed because he was...excited. Heh.
He's also like many of the races in DBZ. When he transforms, he becomes
far
stronger.
> >� � His golden eyes closed and when they opened again, they had
> > become a dark blue color. �His body seemed to relax, loosing much
>
> "losing", not "loosing".
Ack!
> > of its bulk, though he was still no small man. �Finally his
> > claws, on his fingers, toes and forearms retracted. �
>
> I think you can do away with a few of these commas. Maybe:
>
> "Finally, the claws on his fingers, toes and forearms relaxed."
Will fix.
> >� � "Welcome, Gohegi!"
>
> "Megatron... Megatron... Welcome... Megatron..."
>
> Why do I hear Orson Welles' voice coming out of this strange
> and mysterious person? ^_^
Couldn't tell you. ^_^
> >� � He glanced around, trying to pinpoint the source of the
> > voice, "Who said that?"
>
> And now I hear Frank Welker. ^_^
Must be coiincidence. I assure you. ^_-
> >� � "You know...who I am." �Mysterious? �Actually a bit of
> > overacting. �Only a bit, however.
> >� � He frowned, which was little more than a slight creasing of
> > his lips in the downward direction. "Show yourself."
> > � "I have summoned you here for a purpose!"
> >� � Despite his annoyance, Gohegi's lips upturned in a slight
> > grin, revealing more of his fangs, which glittered in the light,
> > "I refuse to keep this going, I hope you realize."
>
> Awww... But he didn't get to the "NOBODY summons Gohegi!" line... ^_^
He knew what he was supposed to say, but he just wasn't going to. He was
tempted
though. heh.
Oh, something I found as well:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2000-12-08&res=l
I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it. Heh.
> >� � "Oooooohh!!!" the voice complained, "But I was trying to be
> > the mysterious head of an elite organization to save the universe
> > here!"
>
> Hishima: You know, that or a devourer of worlds. Whichever worked
> for you...
I am Omnipotous! ^_^
> >� � A screen appeared before the two of them, hovering in mid-
> > air and somewhat translucent. �On it was the face of Yumi, her
> > ears down, and eyes tearing as she sniffed quite cutely, "You're
> > all so mean! �I should turn you into Kappas again!"
>
> Or worse... Koopas. ^_^
Goombas. Shrunk devolved heads. Heh.
> >� � Not even trying to restrain themselves, they grinned at
> > her, "Kappa! �Kappa Kappa!"
> >� � That's when she decided to cry at the top of her lungs,
> > screaming about how no one appreciated what she was doing, and
> > that everyone was so mean to her.
>
> I think I'm going to like this little group. ^_~
Yeah, I plan on having fun with them.
> >� � "I still think we should have involved Tenchi..."
>
> Well, they already have Yousho. I'm sure if necessary he can
> bounce a few rocks off his gradson's head and "convince" the kid
> to get involved.
Heh, there is a reason they involved Yoshou and not Tenchi. Yumi's not too
sure
about Tenchi or the rest of his family concerning the situation she's put
herself and
these guys in. There is a very specific reason she's called these
particular people
together, and not Tenchi, Ryouko, Aeka, Washuu, etc.
> >� � They finally reached what appeared to be a room at the end
> > of this long and winding corridor. �The door opened as they came
> > near, revealing a chamber with standing room for about four or 5
>
> "five", not "5". Numerals in general are bad when you're writing
> a story. You can pretty much only use them for years, dates, or
> times safely. Anything else is asking for trouble.
Ack. Sometimes I backslide. Good catch.
> > people. �"Yes, he does. �I just hope the worst-case scenario
> > doesn't pan out. �Not even Yousho is certain if that is what has
> > happened or not." �They both stepped inside, and Hishima hit a
> > couple of keys on the left side. �The door slid shut, and both
> > felt a sudden uplifting movement. �"Still, the idea that Tenchi
> > could be..."
>
> Tenchi: Oh, man! I'm doomed again, aren't I? Why does this stuff
> always happen to ME? Just ONCE, I'd like someone ELSE to be
> doomed!
He's going to get that wish at least. What do I mean? I'm not gonna tell
you. ^_-
> >� � "I know." �Gohegi sighed, expressing the bitterness of his
> > thoughts, "Ryouko, that cute girl Sasami..."
> >� � "Yes. �Them as well." �
>
> Ryouko: Thanks a LOT, Tenchi.
>
> Tenchi: Woah! That's not what I meant! I take it back! Just doom
> me, okay? Leave them alone!
>
> Ryouko: Tenchi? Stop helping.
Goku: Go easy on him, Ryouko. After all, I had to die to get people to
leave my
world alone.
Jun: But at least you two can go super Saiyan or change into that Light
Hawk guy.
People come after me, and all I got is a sword that's trying to swallow my
soul!
Sword: I'm coming to get some!
Jun: *whimper*
> >� � Hishima watched Gohegi look to the ceiling and whisper a
> > couple of words of prayer to the patron deity of his order,
> > knowing full well that most gods got their kicks out of how much
> > hell they could put their followers through before they finally
> > achieved whatever it was they set out to do. �Which was actually
> > a lot better than those gods who loved to spoil their creations.
>
> Hehehe. Sometimes, even gods must get bored. And then we get all
> kinds of fun stuff. Like giraffes.
Or Duckbilled Paltipi! God must have been smoking the wacky weed when he
made that
creature. Heh.
> >� � Gohegi then crossed his arms before him, looked directly at
> > Hishima, a slight frown on his face, and asked "So...we're going
> > to die then?"
> >� � "Yep, we're going to die. �It's probably going to hurt a
> > lot too."
>
> Gohegi: Well, we didn't get all dressed up for nothing...
Heh.
> >� � Funny thing was, precisely fifty-one percent of Sealy
> > Posturpedic's stock (that's a controlling percentage) was owned
> > and managed by Yumi. �
>
> Very funny, considering the fact that just a few scenes ago, poor
> Hishima was worried about her posture. Maybe she finally got tired of
> sitting on pillows all the time.
That's one thing I never got about Washuu's floating pillow. I mean, how
hard would
it be to make a back rest for it? That must be terrible for the posture.
And then
no arm rests so you could lay in it at odd angles. Though in OVA 8, she
seemed to
find a way. Heh.
> > The other forty-nine percent was owned by
> > one Washuu Hakubi. �Nobody really knew why, and to be honest,
> > were afraid to ask either of them.
>
> Offhand, I'd guess that galactic geniuses just like comfy chairs. But
> then, I'm sure the answer couldn't be that simple. ^_^
Naa. Couldn't be. Heh.
> >� � Yoshou was the first to speak after a long pause,
> > "So...what just happened?" �He remembered immediately after his
> > question, whom it was he was talking to, and what she would
> > likely say if he didn't add, "Other than it's annihilation of
> > course."
>
> "its", not "it's"! If you're not careful about that, the Grammar
> Police will ticket you! ^_~
I missed one! DAMNIT!!! I was doing so good to! ;_;
> >� � "Now...I'm going to let Hishima open this thing so you can
> > see who's in it. �
>
> I'm guessing it's Largo. That nutty boomer just keeps popping up in the
> oddest places! ^_^
I'd agree if this was a crossover fic. He's almost as bad as playing
where's Waldo,
you know.
> > He touched a single button on
> > the makeshift console that connected to the container and stepped
> > away to clear the view. �The front of the stasis pod began to
> > open slowly. �Inside was a clear tube gold liquid, which bubbled
> > and moved around the wires and tubes attached to...
>
> I think you want to say "a clear tube "filled with" gold liquid, or
> the like. As is, the sentence doesn't make too much sense.
Done.
> > <Metallica - The Call of Cthulu>
Surprised only one person knew that I mispelled this song. Heh, it should
be Kthulu.
The song that is.
> >� � "Fucking..." Gohegi transformed, shredding the sleeves of
> > his robe as the blades on his forearms popped out. �With a
> > frustrated jerk he pulled the remainder of the garment off his
> > body.
>
> You need a comma after "jerk".
Yep.
> >� � Neither Minagi nor Yoshou had made a sound, yet their
> > movements were faster than thought. �Yoshou stood at the ready, a
> > wooden pommel adorned by two red gems in his hands. �Pure blue
> > energy formed the blade of this sword. Minagi had pulled a more
> > traditional sword from subspace with her left hand and formed a
> > blade of crimson energy in her right.
>
> Nice to know these two felt so safe and secure in their friends' ship.
> It's almost heartwarming, the way they relaxed and let their guards
> down. ^_^
Yeah, just as heartwarming as when Han Solo walked in on Darth Vader.
Probably the
best scene in the entire Empire Striks Back right there. He walked
in...and didn't
even think, just drew his gun and started firing. Too bad Vader took "How
to stop
things moving faster than light" lessons from Vegita. Heh.
A minor nitpick. Doesn't Tenchiken belong to Tenchi now? I thought it
chose him as it's new owner during OAV 5.
> >� � "Be at ease all. �He is not yet awake, nor will he wake
>
> You need another comma after "ease".
Or maybe just kill the word 'all'
I go for removing the 'all.'
> > until we wish it to be so." �Hishima explained in the most
> > soothing voice he could muster.
> >� � This seemed to placate Minagi and Yoshou who promptly
> > disarmed, but not Gohegi. �"What is THAT doing here?!" he
> > demanded. �"Do you realize who that is?! �What he has done?!"
> >� � "Yes," Yumi answered simply. �"And then some."
> >� � "And you haven't destroyed him yet?!"
>
> The way you're building this up, it almost has to be...
But it couldn't...
Yes it is...
> >� � Gohegi relaxed, but did not lose his scowl, "He should be
> > dead. �Why isn't he dead?"
> >� � "Yeah right. �Like he, of all beings in the cosmos,
> > wouldn't have prepared for something like that. �I'm just
> > surprised no one else went looking for his backup plan." Yumi
> > shook her head and muttered something about stupid and smart
> > people to herself, "This is the kind of thing that gets the
> > heroes of stories killed later on. �
>
> Especially when they're dealing with who I think they're dealing
> with. It IS who I think it is, isn't it? ^_^
Galvatron? Cthulu? Mokona? ^_-
Pikachu. ^_-
> >� � Not one of them lifted a finger to help him. �
Well, I'm sure they did lift a finger, but it definitely wasn't to help him.
^_^
He pulled
> > his long green hair to the side, and gave a friendly grin to each
> > and every person there.
>
_Green_ hair? He reincarnated into his TU form?
> I'm almost amazed he knows what a friendly grin looks like enough
> to imitate one...
He can be quite friendly. Right before he obliterates you and your entire
world, but
still quite friendly. ^_^
> >� � "Well well..." he managed to croak out. �Chuckling slightly
> > he reached out and pulled very small specs from nothing and put
> > them on the bridge of his nose where they rested comfortably,
>
> Oh, geez... I was right... O_O
Yep. He's a jewler. ^_-
No, he's Glider(play Skies of Arcadia to get this one)
> > "Look at all those who came to see the resurrection of Kagato.
> > How utterly..." sharks couldn't smile this wide, "amusing."
>
> AARGH! You ended it HERE? Oh, man! >_<
You may fire when ready. Be warned though, that if you do, you wont' get
the next
chapter. ^_-
We'll just extract the information from your corpse, then.
> All I'm going to say is that this chapter was at least as good as
> the previous ones, if not better. With Kagato in the mix, things
> ought to get pretty interesting pretty quick. I look forward to
> seeing how all these seemingly disparate threads (Kiyone and her
> mission, the Regent and his new Heir, Yumi and her little gang)
> all come together. I'm especially interested to find out the
> answers to a few of the questions you've brought up, too.
Hmm...I should likely add the element that will bring them together the
next chapter.
But I don't want to do that just yet. I want to do a lot more set up
first, but the
thing is if I do that, people will lose interest, and considering I've only
got like
3.56 people reading this thing...
Naa, more buildup. It's fun that way. ^_^
Just not TOO much.
> All in all, I liked it. There weren't too many errors in spelling
> or grammar that I could see, and it flowed nicely throughout. My
> only real suggestion would be to find a better way of marking scene
> changes. Good luck on your next chapter, and I'm sorry once again
> that I took so long in getting back to you on this.
I liked it too, and the few errors I saw were already covered. BTW, can you
send me the previous chapters, or at least a URL where I can get them
myself? I missed them.
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