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Ooooh. As I read the C&C I noted one thing I definately forgot to mention was that
this was a motely collection of characters from the Manga "No Need for Tenchi" that
is being distributed by VIZ here in the states. A guy called Hitoshi Okuda does it,
and it's probably the only thing good to come from the series outside of the first
set of OVAs.
Hi, K'thardin!
Welcome back. ^_^
Well, I may still be slogging through my backlog, but I AM making
a bit of headway! And imagine my surprise when I saw this little
gem sparkling at me from my Inbox. ^_^
You'll likely be seeing them more often now that I'm out of the Navy for the most
part. Heh.
Author's forword: �One of these days I'll get around to the main
point or three of this fic. �Promise. ^_^
Gourry Gabriev: "We're just getting further away from the main plot
here, aren't we?"
Don't worry. I'll muddle through somehow. Given the focus on Kiyone
(one of my favorite Tenchi characters) in chapter one, and the rather
interesting Regent you introduced in chapter two, I think I'll be able
to stay awake through this one, too. ^_~
Ouch. ^_^ Heheheh, geez. Hmm...it's just from here I have one of two ways I could
go. And though both ways will get me to the end, I'm just not sure about the order.
Oh well, guess I'll just have to go ahead and do whatever comes out first. Still, I
haven't quite introduced all the characters yet, and I know some people are ready to
kill me because I haven't introduced someone in particular who was pivotal in the
last version of this story.
It's nice to be loved. ^_^
Now I'll beg for C&C.
Okay, then maybe I'll go ahead and give some. ^_^
BTW, please keep your hands and arms inside the C&C at
all times. If you should experience any discomfort, keep
in mind that this is IMHO only and consult a physician.
In case of an emergency, the exits are clearly marked,
probably by a little button that says "delete".
Yeah, but you at least noticed more stuff than most people have. My prereaders have
degenerated into "Cool fic! Gimme more!" statements. While that does wonders for
the ego, I need more of what I just got right here. Heh.
And with that over with, here we go! ^_^
Gathering of the Children
�-Crusaders Assemble
I know you're expecting me to make an "Avengers" joke here, but
I won't. Just thought you'd like to know that.
Can't blame a guy for trying. ^_^
<Opening Theme: �Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses>
� � "Fascinating." she said to herself, "How very...droll."
Uh-oh. Generally speaking, any time somebody says something like
this in a story, it means big trouble for everybody else. Especially
if it's a scientist. Am I right?
Usually. This lady in the Manga was Washuu's equal in most respects. Cept for the
area of sex. Yumi wasn't quite as...horny as Washuu. ^_^
� � "Mistress Yumi?"
� � The short furry scientist looked up, brushing her long ears
across the edge of one of the floating black holographic computer
terminals causing it to distort momentarily. �She grinned at her
I think you need an "and" between "terminals" and "causing". I may
be wrong: I'm not exactly the punctuation king, or anything.
Or maybe a comma. It definately looks like there should be some kind of pause there
though.
dark shrouded companion before returning to tapping her fingers
Tiny question: is he a dark companion wearing a shroud, or a companion
wearing a dark shroud? Because one woukd be a "dark, shrouded companion"
and one would be a "dark-shrouded companion". What you have written could
be either.
You know, when I saw this just now I noticed the same thing. Weird, huh? ^_^ Yeah,
I'll fix that.
� � She barely noted his inquiry as she reached out and used
her taller companion's cloaked arm for support, and hopped off
the floating green poof pillow she was sitting on. �For his part,
he had moved his arm out in clockwork-like movements, in time
with her motion, to facilitate her dismount.
� � Obviously he did this often.
I think you should drop the "obviously" here. It sounds too much like the
narrator is speaking directly to the audience, and that spoils the mood a
little. Just "He did this often" would be fine.
Noted. Will change.
BTW, I'll mention it here because it's as good a place as any. You
may want to leave a line of blank space between your paragraphs, to
make reading a bit easier for your audience. Some font sizes and
space widths can make indents alone kind of hard to pick out.
Hmm...alright. I'll see about doing that for future installments. Note I wouldn't
do this if just anyone requested this. ^_-
� � She walked around him, her hands still on his arm, though
unable to encircle it with both hands as big as it was. Leading
him to another set of terminals, she used his arm to pull herself
up and onto a reddish gold colored floating cushion. �Idily her
I think you mean "Idly", not "Idily". And I'm not sure, but you might
want to put a comma after it, too.
See what I mean? If my prereaders would do their jobs and quit stroking my ego, I
wouldn't have these embarrasing mistakes. ^_-
taller associate wondered if the lack of a backrest was good for
her posture.
� � "Ever have a question about something, Hishima? �Something
that just nagged at you and nagged at you and nagged at you 'til
it drove you insane?"
Okay, I get that this is Yumi talking to Hishima, but since he was
the last person mentioned, it sounds as though he's the one talking
here. You might want to mention Yumi doing something, either before
or after the dialogue. Scratching her head, looking at him, whatever.
She just needs to mentioned, so we know she's talking.
Alright. That sounds good actually.
� � Hishima seemed to think for a moment, "I remember trying to
find the name of the artist who sang the Highlander theme at one
time."
Queen wrote and performed that song. Unless you mean the actual name
of the person who was the singer.
Either/or. Heh, that's a little joke of mine. It took me forever to find out the
album that song was on.
� � Yumi nodded. �"Yes, I remember that. �By the way," she said
ominously, and not just normal ominously, this being pit of doom
may you burn for all eternity in the fires of Inferno ominously,
You need some hyphens there, pal. "...being pit-of-doom-may-you-burn-
for-all-eternity-in-the-fires-of-Inferno ominously..."
And I assume you did that on purpose. The "Highlander" to "Inferno"
connection, I mean.
You actually got that one? Wow! I'm surprised, I thought that one was fairly vauge.
Heh. You're right about the hyphens though.
For those with no idea what I'm talking about, Jim Byrnes played both
Jack Dawson in the "Highlander" television series and Inferno in "Beast
Wars".
"if you start singing that again, I will have to rip your memory
modules out."
So, he's either a cyborg or a robot, then. To have "memory modules",
I mean. Gotcha.
I'm not sure either of those concepts apply to Hishima. He's a self evolving war
machine, created by Yumi. I think he's more...techno-organic if even that can be
applyed to what he is. Right now he looks like Gohegi's transformed state, because
Gohegi was the last one he fought (or at least the last one he could adapt
to...Tenchi was next, but he couldn't adapt to the LHW), so he evolved to become
stronger than Gohegi and took on a few of his attributes.
� � "Now," she echoed raising her finger to the sky and
shouting in enthusiastic abandon, "Now, it's high time we
gathered our suck...err...allies to aid us!"
How very Washuu-like of her to put it like that. ^_^
Yumi's a lot like Washuu. She's a bit more uptight though. Needs to get laid most
likely.
� � "Refresh my memory: didn't we get our collective ass handed
to us last time we tried this?" �It was with great relief when he
found himself moving into and through test equipment, thinking my
it's nice that Mistress Yumi is still her normal bitchy self; and
oh is that the Really Big Fish? �Hi Mr. Fish! �I'd wave, but I
think I've just found myself imbedded in this...nope, went right
on through the wall. �Cool! That was solid duranium! �Oh, stars!
I see them!
You've been reading "Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy", haven't
you? This was amusingly reminiscent of the scene with the
whale. ^_~
The one that fell from the sky? ^_^
� � Yumi playfully walked over, and looked down upon him,
"NEVER doubt my skill...Oh DAMN IT! �I broke a nail!"
� � "Gohegi..." was all she managed to get out, before she
quite literally passed out. �
Woah! Yumi must not work out much, if breaking a nail is all
it takes to make her pass out.
And who's Gohegi?
Warrior monk. Humorous. Got one hell of a character design.
Sweat pouring off her body in
amounts that would have her body begging for water when she
regained consciousness, and a shower soon after. �Her hair,
unbound, flowed around her and her bedmate in a shower of dark
blues and purples as she unceremoniously landed upon his chest.
Ah, we've changed scene. You might want to put up a slightly more
tangible warning. Me, I use stars. Some people use hyphens, or
lines, or dollar signs... pretty much anything will do, as long as
it's used constantly enough for everyone to know what it means.
I forgot that? Damn. Will fix.
� � The man didn't hesitate in taking her offer, and moved down
to kiss the woman. �Then from her full and juicy lips, down her
silken neck. �Fangs in his mouth bared themselves as he ran them
along her creamy skin. �He grimaced suddenly, a small growl
escaping from his throat, before he forcefully pulled himself
away from the object of his desire.
Okay... lycanthrope? Or maybe nosferatu? Or he is just something
we've never heard of before? The "bony protrusions" on his arms
sound like something new to me...
Think Gyver. I'll have to see about describing them better. Basically he
transformed because he was...excited. Heh.
He's also like many of the races in DBZ. When he transforms, he becomes far
stronger.
� � His golden eyes closed and when they opened again, they had
become a dark blue color. �His body seemed to relax, loosing much
"losing", not "loosing".
Ack!
of its bulk, though he was still no small man. �Finally his
claws, on his fingers, toes and forearms retracted. �
I think you can do away with a few of these commas. Maybe:
"Finally, the claws on his fingers, toes and forearms relaxed."
Will fix.
� � "Welcome, Gohegi!"
"Megatron... Megatron... Welcome... Megatron..."
Why do I hear Orson Welles' voice coming out of this strange
and mysterious person? ^_^
Couldn't tell you. ^_^
� � He glanced around, trying to pinpoint the source of the
voice, "Who said that?"
And now I hear Frank Welker. ^_^
Must be coiincidence. I assure you. ^_-
� � "You know...who I am." �Mysterious? �Actually a bit of
overacting. �Only a bit, however.
� � He frowned, which was little more than a slight creasing of
his lips in the downward direction. "Show yourself."
� "I have summoned you here for a purpose!"
� � Despite his annoyance, Gohegi's lips upturned in a slight
grin, revealing more of his fangs, which glittered in the light,
"I refuse to keep this going, I hope you realize."
Awww... But he didn't get to the "NOBODY summons Gohegi!" line... ^_^
He knew what he was supposed to say, but he just wasn't going to. He was tempted
though. heh.
Oh, something I found as well:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2000-12-08&res=l
I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it. Heh.
� � "Oooooohh!!!" the voice complained, "But I was trying to be
the mysterious head of an elite organization to save the universe
here!"
Hishima: You know, that or a devourer of worlds. Whichever worked
for you...
I am Omnipotous! ^_^
� � A screen appeared before the two of them, hovering in mid-
air and somewhat translucent. �On it was the face of Yumi, her
ears down, and eyes tearing as she sniffed quite cutely, "You're
all so mean! �I should turn you into Kappas again!"
Or worse... Koopas. ^_^
Goombas. Shrunk devolved heads. Heh.
� � Not even trying to restrain themselves, they grinned at
her, "Kappa! �Kappa Kappa!"
� � That's when she decided to cry at the top of her lungs,
screaming about how no one appreciated what she was doing, and
that everyone was so mean to her.
I think I'm going to like this little group. ^_~
Yeah, I plan on having fun with them.
� � "I still think we should have involved Tenchi..."
Well, they already have Yousho. I'm sure if necessary he can
bounce a few rocks off his gradson's head and "convince" the kid
to get involved.
Heh, there is a reason they involved Yoshou and not Tenchi. Yumi's not too sure
about Tenchi or the rest of his family concerning the situation she's put herself and
these guys in. There is a very specific reason she's called these particular people
together, and not Tenchi, Ryouko, Aeka, Washuu, etc.
� � They finally reached what appeared to be a room at the end
of this long and winding corridor. �The door opened as they came
near, revealing a chamber with standing room for about four or 5
"five", not "5". Numerals in general are bad when you're writing
a story. You can pretty much only use them for years, dates, or
times safely. Anything else is asking for trouble.
Ack. Sometimes I backslide. Good catch.
people. �"Yes, he does. �I just hope the worst-case scenario
doesn't pan out. �Not even Yousho is certain if that is what has
happened or not." �They both stepped inside, and Hishima hit a
couple of keys on the left side. �The door slid shut, and both
felt a sudden uplifting movement. �"Still, the idea that Tenchi
could be..."
Tenchi: Oh, man! I'm doomed again, aren't I? Why does this stuff
always happen to ME? Just ONCE, I'd like someone ELSE to be
doomed!
He's going to get that wish at least. What do I mean? I'm not gonna tell you. ^_-
� � "I know." �Gohegi sighed, expressing the bitterness of his
thoughts, "Ryouko, that cute girl Sasami..."
� � "Yes. �Them as well." �
Ryouko: Thanks a LOT, Tenchi.
Tenchi: Woah! That's not what I meant! I take it back! Just doom
me, okay? Leave them alone!
Ryouko: Tenchi? Stop helping.
Goku: Go easy on him, Ryouko. After all, I had to die to get people to leave my
world alone.
Jun: But at least you two can go super Saiyan or change into that Light Hawk guy.
People come after me, and all I got is a sword that's trying to swallow my soul!
Sword: I'm coming to get some!
Jun: *whimper*
� � Hishima watched Gohegi look to the ceiling and whisper a
couple of words of prayer to the patron deity of his order,
knowing full well that most gods got their kicks out of how much
hell they could put their followers through before they finally
achieved whatever it was they set out to do. �Which was actually
a lot better than those gods who loved to spoil their creations.
Hehehe. Sometimes, even gods must get bored. And then we get all
kinds of fun stuff. Like giraffes.
Or Duckbilled Paltipi! God must have been smoking the wacky weed when he made that
creature. Heh.
� � Gohegi then crossed his arms before him, looked directly at
Hishima, a slight frown on his face, and asked "So...we're going
to die then?"
� � "Yep, we're going to die. �It's probably going to hurt a
lot too."
Gohegi: Well, we didn't get all dressed up for nothing...
Heh.
� � Funny thing was, precisely fifty-one percent of Sealy
Posturpedic's stock (that's a controlling percentage) was owned
and managed by Yumi. �
Very funny, considering the fact that just a few scenes ago, poor
Hishima was worried about her posture. Maybe she finally got tired of
sitting on pillows all the time.
That's one thing I never got about Washuu's floating pillow. I mean, how hard would
it be to make a back rest for it? That must be terrible for the posture. And then
no arm rests so you could lay in it at odd angles. Though in OVA 8, she seemed to
find a way. Heh.
The other forty-nine percent was owned by
one Washuu Hakubi. �Nobody really knew why, and to be honest,
were afraid to ask either of them.
Offhand, I'd guess that galactic geniuses just like comfy chairs. But
then, I'm sure the answer couldn't be that simple. ^_^
Naa. Couldn't be. Heh.
� � Yoshou was the first to speak after a long pause,
"So...what just happened?" �He remembered immediately after his
question, whom it was he was talking to, and what she would
likely say if he didn't add, "Other than it's annihilation of
course."
"its", not "it's"! If you're not careful about that, the Grammar
Police will ticket you! ^_~
I missed one! DAMNIT!!! I was doing so good to! ;_;
� � "Now...I'm going to let Hishima open this thing so you can
see who's in it. �
I'm guessing it's Largo. That nutty boomer just keeps popping up in the
oddest places! ^_^
I'd agree if this was a crossover fic. He's almost as bad as playing where's Waldo,
you know.
He touched a single button on
the makeshift console that connected to the container and stepped
away to clear the view. �The front of the stasis pod began to
open slowly. �Inside was a clear tube gold liquid, which bubbled
and moved around the wires and tubes attached to...
I think you want to say "a clear tube "filled with" gold liquid, or
the like. As is, the sentence doesn't make too much sense.
Done.
<Metallica - The Call of Cthulu>
Surprised only one person knew that I mispelled this song. Heh, it should be Kthulu.
The song that is.
� � "Fucking..." Gohegi transformed, shredding the sleeves of
his robe as the blades on his forearms popped out. �With a
frustrated jerk he pulled the remainder of the garment off his
body.
You need a comma after "jerk".
Yep.
� � Neither Minagi nor Yoshou had made a sound, yet their
movements were faster than thought. �Yoshou stood at the ready, a
wooden pommel adorned by two red gems in his hands. �Pure blue
energy formed the blade of this sword. Minagi had pulled a more
traditional sword from subspace with her left hand and formed a
blade of crimson energy in her right.
Nice to know these two felt so safe and secure in their friends' ship.
It's almost heartwarming, the way they relaxed and let their guards
down. ^_^
Yeah, just as heartwarming as when Han Solo walked in on Darth Vader. Probably the
best scene in the entire Empire Striks Back right there. He walked in...and didn't
even think, just drew his gun and started firing. Too bad Vader took "How to stop
things moving faster than light" lessons from Vegita. Heh.
� � "Be at ease all. �He is not yet awake, nor will he wake
You need another comma after "ease".
Or maybe just kill the word 'all'
until we wish it to be so." �Hishima explained in the most
soothing voice he could muster.
� � This seemed to placate Minagi and Yoshou who promptly
disarmed, but not Gohegi. �"What is THAT doing here?!" he
demanded. �"Do you realize who that is?! �What he has done?!"
� � "Yes," Yumi answered simply. �"And then some."
� � "And you haven't destroyed him yet?!"
The way you're building this up, it almost has to be...
But it couldn't...
� � Gohegi relaxed, but did not lose his scowl, "He should be
dead. �Why isn't he dead?"
� � "Yeah right. �Like he, of all beings in the cosmos,
wouldn't have prepared for something like that. �I'm just
surprised no one else went looking for his backup plan." Yumi
shook her head and muttered something about stupid and smart
people to herself, "This is the kind of thing that gets the
heroes of stories killed later on. �
Especially when they're dealing with who I think they're dealing
with. It IS who I think it is, isn't it? ^_^
Galvatron? Cthulu? Mokona? ^_-
� � Not one of them lifted a finger to help him. � He pulled
his long green hair to the side, and gave a friendly grin to each
and every person there.
I'm almost amazed he knows what a friendly grin looks like enough
to imitate one...
He can be quite friendly. Right before he obliterates you and your entire world, but
still quite friendly. ^_^
� � "Well well..." he managed to croak out. �Chuckling slightly
he reached out and pulled very small specs from nothing and put
them on the bridge of his nose where they rested comfortably,
Oh, geez... I was right... O_O
Yep. He's a jewler. ^_-
"Look at all those who came to see the resurrection of Kagato.
How utterly..." sharks couldn't smile this wide, "amusing."
AARGH! You ended it HERE? Oh, man! >_<
You may fire when ready. Be warned though, that if you do, you wont' get the next
chapter. ^_-
All I'm going to say is that this chapter was at least as good as
the previous ones, if not better. With Kagato in the mix, things
ought to get pretty interesting pretty quick. I look forward to
seeing how all these seemingly disparate threads (Kiyone and her
mission, the Regent and his new Heir, Yumi and her little gang)
all come together. I'm especially interested to find out the
answers to a few of the questions you've brought up, too.
Hmm...I should likely add the element that will bring them together the next chapter.
But I don't want to do that just yet. I want to do a lot more set up first, but the
thing is if I do that, people will lose interest, and considering I've only got like
3.56 people reading this thing...
Naa, more buildup. It's fun that way. ^_^
All in all, I liked it. There weren't too many errors in spelling
or grammar that I could see, and it flowed nicely throughout. My
only real suggestion would be to find a better way of marking scene
changes. Good luck on your next chapter, and I'm sorry once again
that I took so long in getting back to you on this.
Hey not a problem. We all need a vacation.
Your comments helped me greatly! Thank you so much for them. ^_^
Take care. And get on ICQ occasionally! ^_-
K'thardin
"Shop smart. Shop S-mart! You got that?!"