DJ PRODUCTIONS PRESENT...
To Have Pepperoni or Mushroom?
a ridiculous Ranma shortfic by DJGeek
Cast:
Kuno - babbling idiot, university student, and amateur samurai
extraordinaire
Ranma - a jock, and martial artist
Kodachi - twisted sister of Kuno, and university^�s top gymnast
Narrator - The one who telleth the story
Narrator: The scene takes place in a university dorm room in Japan.
Here, we encounter a young man of 18, who is spouting senseless words
that he calls poetry. Soon, hunger will strike.
Kuno: Blah, blah, blah^� blah, blah, blah^�
(stomach groans)
Kuno: Heaven^�s forth, what is this I say? This beast of hunger in me is
in need of sustenance!
(Kuno opens a small refrigerator, labeled as ^�Thy Royal Pantry^�, and
finds out there^�s no food)
Kuno: Zounds! Thy pantry hath been cleared out by filthy demons of
Hunger!
Narrator: Then Kuno ruffles in his pocket. He finds a coupon for Aimo^�s
Pizza. Hey, it^�s a deal! Get a mushroom or pepperoni pizza for 560 yen!
What a steal for a meal! Ahem^�
Kuno: Zounds! It^�s a pizza deal! It^�s a mushroom or pepperoni pizza
deal!
Narrator: Duh.
Kuno: (In thought) What shall I have, the mushroom pizza, or the
pepperoni pizza? While the mushroom is as complex in my palate and the
pepperoni a feast for the meat-lovers eyes, I must choose either one.
This valuable pizza deal, brought by the blessings of the gods, tells me
I must choose either one. Should I choose the exotic, cheesy mushroom
pizza? Or should I choose the rich, meaty pepperoni pizza to satisfy my
lusty hungers? Hmmm^� what shall I choose^�
(knock^� knock^� knock^�)
Kuno: Gods damn you! Who is thy man that dares to interrupt mine
thoughts!?
Ranma: A^� yo^� it^�s me^� Ranma^�
Narrator: Ranma enters Kuno^�s ^�lair^�.
Ranma: What^�s up man?
Kuno: Ye gods! For what purpose hast thou intrude in my abode and hath
interrupted my thinking?
Ranma: ^�uh^�
Kuno: Speak, knave!
Ranma: Uh^� yeah^� I left my bag yesterday from playing poker^�
Kuno: Ah^� that pathetic game you call poker^� no doubt you hath cheated^�
Ranma: Hey^� I did not^�
Kuno: (interrupts) Silence knave, your bag and provisions are sitting on
my couch. Retrieve them.
Ranma: Uh^� okay, whatever^� geez^�
Narrator: Ranma grabs his stuff and heads toward the door.
Kuno: Wait! Stand thy ground peasant!
Ranma: Geez! What is it this time!? I told you, I don^�t know^�
Kuno: (interrupts) Silence cur! Wait ^�til I ask the question!
Ranma: Whatever^� shoot.
Kuno: Tell me Ranma, would thou choose the exotic mushroom pizza, or the
lusty, meaty pepperoni pizza?
Ranma: Hmm^� gee^� I dunno^� I guess the mushroom pizza. I mean, I love the
cheese on the pizza, and the meat somehow don^�t taste that good with
cheese. If I wanted meat, I^�d get a beef pot^� but also, I like
mushrooms, they taste pretty good, and probably taste well with other^�
Kuno: (interrupts, again) Thank you sir! Away! Away from my manor,
away!
Ranma: Geez^� fine^� goodbye^�
(Door slams shut)
Kuno: This peasant advises me to purchase the delicate mushroom pizza.
Should I trust him? Perhaps he may be right, perhaps he may be wrong.
But I must decide on one final conclusion^� The mushroom, or the
pepperoni? I have such cravings for that wondrous, foreign pastry, but
yet I have to choose betwixt either of the toppings! Oh^� inhuman beast
of Hunger and Temptation! If thou were a real demon, I shall smite thee
with my blade of Justice! I will^�
(window smash)
Kuno: fix the window that twisted sister of mine hath broke^�
Kodachi: Oh ho ho ho ho! My dear brother, I^�m here to cease your
incessant rantings. Nearly half the university can hear you, you know.
Kuno: Watch thy tongue sister, I^�ll not put up with your insults.
Kodachi: Whatever brother dear, seeing there^�s no problem, off I go!
(Kodachi tries to exit, but hears her brother whine)
Kuno: (whining) Alas! I cannot choose!
Kodachi: What^�s the matter brother?
Kuno: Leave me with my thoughts alone sister, it is something that needs
to be done.
Kodachi: What is it brother?
Kuno: Kodachi, I request thy opinion, would thou purchase the mushroom
pizza or the pepperoni?
Kodachi: Hmmm^� let me see^�
Kuno: Quickly answer! Time is of the essence!
Kodachi: Well, bleh, I hate mushrooms, they^�re so bland. I would choose
the pepperoni. Why, it is a delicious meat. I like to sink my teeth on
that juicy, tender, crispy, salty, meat like I like to sink my teeth on
my beloved Ranma^�s flesh, hot, steaming^� oh, I forgot! I must win the
heart of my beloved Ranma! Farewell, brother dear! Oh Ranma, I^�m coming
for you!^�
(Door slams shut. For a while, a scream of horror can be heard.)
Narrator: Ouch.
Kuno: No doubt that^�s my sister trying to seduce that cur^�
Kuno: On with subject. My twisted sister advises the pepperoni against
the mushroom. But I want something different. I wouldst eat the
mushroom to satisfy my foreign desires, but there^�s something else, I
crave the pepperoni! I must also satisfy my meaty desires! But which?
Oh how temptation is wrought upon me^� I CANNOT DECIDE! I MUST HAVE THEM
BOTH!
Narrator: Hey idiot^�
Kuno: moi?
Narrator: Yeah you^�
Kuno: You send for me?
Narrator: Yep^� let me say this, you are to choose one, and only one! Can
you not get that?
Kuno: But I can^�t! I cannot choose! The pepperoni or the mushroom, I
cannot decide! I can^�t stand this! Arrrgh!
(Kuno tears the ^�uh^� coupon)
Narrator: Well, that was a waste of good pizza deals^�
Kuno: (keeps on tearing) Arrrgh! Evil coupon! Thou art the Demon of
Temptation and Hunger in disguise! Take that, and that, and that, and
that! HA! I have smitten thee!
Narrator: Kuno looks around exhausted and confused. His stomach growls
again.
Kuno: Now what^�s for lunch^�
Er^�
T H E E N D?
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Hi guys! DJGeek here?
you're wonderin' why the mushroom or pepperoni? How about sausage?
Well, I got this idea from Creative Writing class, and got a weird
idea...
Now that I'm done with it, I can get back to playing Baldur's Gate 2~!!!!
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www.angelfire.com/anime2/dragonjex/dragonjex.html
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