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Hi, K'thardin!
Well, I may still be slogging through my backlog, but I AM making
a bit of headway! And imagine my surprise when I saw this little
gem sparkling at me from my Inbox. ^_^
Author's forword: �One of these days I'll get around to the main
point or three of this fic. �Promise. ^_^
Gourry Gabriev: "We're just getting further away from the main plot
here, aren't we?"
Don't worry. I'll muddle through somehow. Given the focus on Kiyone
(one of my favorite Tenchi characters) in chapter one, and the rather
interesting Regent you introduced in chapter two, I think I'll be able
to stay awake through this one, too. ^_~
Now I'll beg for C&C.
Okay, then maybe I'll go ahead and give some. ^_^
BTW, please keep your hands and arms inside the C&C at
all times. If you should experience any discomfort, keep
in mind that this is IMHO only and consult a physician.
In case of an emergency, the exits are clearly marked,
probably by a little button that says "delete".
And with that over with, here we go! ^_^
Gathering of the Children
�-Crusaders Assemble
I know you're expecting me to make an "Avengers" joke here, but
I won't. Just thought you'd like to know that.
<Opening Theme: �Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns and Roses>
� � "Fascinating." she said to herself, "How very...droll."
Uh-oh. Generally speaking, any time somebody says something like
this in a story, it means big trouble for everybody else. Especially
if it's a scientist. Am I right?
� � "Mistress Yumi?"
� � The short furry scientist looked up, brushing her long ears
across the edge of one of the floating black holographic computer
terminals causing it to distort momentarily. �She grinned at her
I think you need an "and" between "terminals" and "causing". I may
be wrong: I'm not exactly the punctuation king, or anything.
dark shrouded companion before returning to tapping her fingers
Tiny question: is he a dark companion wearing a shroud, or a companion
wearing a dark shroud? Because one woukd be a "dark, shrouded companion"
and one would be a "dark-shrouded companion". What you have written could
be either.
� � She barely noted his inquiry as she reached out and used
her taller companion's cloaked arm for support, and hopped off
the floating green poof pillow she was sitting on. �For his part,
he had moved his arm out in clockwork-like movements, in time
with her motion, to facilitate her dismount.
� � Obviously he did this often.
I think you should drop the "obviously" here. It sounds too much like the
narrator is speaking directly to the audience, and that spoils the mood a
little. Just "He did this often" would be fine.
BTW, I'll mention it here because it's as good a place as any. You
may want to leave a line of blank space between your paragraphs, to
make reading a bit easier for your audience. Some font sizes and
space widths can make indents alone kind of hard to pick out.
� � She walked around him, her hands still on his arm, though
unable to encircle it with both hands as big as it was. Leading
him to another set of terminals, she used his arm to pull herself
up and onto a reddish gold colored floating cushion. �Idily her
I think you mean "Idly", not "Idily". And I'm not sure, but you might
want to put a comma after it, too.
taller associate wondered if the lack of a backrest was good for
her posture.
� � "Ever have a question about something, Hishima? �Something
that just nagged at you and nagged at you and nagged at you 'til
it drove you insane?"
Okay, I get that this is Yumi talking to Hishima, but since he was
the last person mentioned, it sounds as though he's the one talking
here. You might want to mention Yumi doing something, either before
or after the dialogue. Scratching her head, looking at him, whatever.
She just needs to mentioned, so we know she's talking.
� � Hishima seemed to think for a moment, "I remember trying to
find the name of the artist who sang the Highlander theme at one
time."
Queen wrote and performed that song. Unless you mean the actual name
of the person who was the singer.
� � Yumi nodded. �"Yes, I remember that. �By the way," she said
ominously, and not just normal ominously, this being pit of doom
may you burn for all eternity in the fires of Inferno ominously,
You need some hyphens there, pal. "...being pit-of-doom-may-you-burn-
for-all-eternity-in-the-fires-of-Inferno ominously..."
And I assume you did that on purpose. The "Highlander" to "Inferno"
connection, I mean.
For those with no idea what I'm talking about, Jim Byrnes played both
Jack Dawson in the "Highlander" television series and Inferno in "Beast
Wars".
"if you start singing that again, I will have to rip your memory
modules out."
So, he's either a cyborg or a robot, then. To have "memory modules",
I mean. Gotcha.
� � "Now," she echoed raising her finger to the sky and
shouting in enthusiastic abandon, "Now, it's high time we
gathered our suck...err...allies to aid us!"
How very Washuu-like of her to put it like that. ^_^
� � "Refresh my memory: didn't we get our collective ass handed
to us last time we tried this?" �It was with great relief when he
found himself moving into and through test equipment, thinking my
it's nice that Mistress Yumi is still her normal bitchy self; and
oh is that the Really Big Fish? �Hi Mr. Fish! �I'd wave, but I
think I've just found myself imbedded in this...nope, went right
on through the wall. �Cool! That was solid duranium! �Oh, stars!
I see them!
You've been reading "Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy", haven't
you? This was amusingly reminiscent of the scene with the
whale. ^_~
� � Yumi playfully walked over, and looked down upon him,
"NEVER doubt my skill...Oh DAMN IT! �I broke a nail!"
� � "Gohegi..." was all she managed to get out, before she
quite literally passed out. �
Woah! Yumi must not work out much, if breaking a nail is all
it takes to make her pass out.
And who's Gohegi?
Sweat pouring off her body in
amounts that would have her body begging for water when she
regained consciousness, and a shower soon after. �Her hair,
unbound, flowed around her and her bedmate in a shower of dark
blues and purples as she unceremoniously landed upon his chest.
Ah, we've changed scene. You might want to put up a slightly more
tangible warning. Me, I use stars. Some people use hyphens, or
lines, or dollar signs... pretty much anything will do, as long as
it's used constantly enough for everyone to know what it means.
� � The man didn't hesitate in taking her offer, and moved down
to kiss the woman. �Then from her full and juicy lips, down her
silken neck. �Fangs in his mouth bared themselves as he ran them
along her creamy skin. �He grimaced suddenly, a small growl
escaping from his throat, before he forcefully pulled himself
away from the object of his desire.
Okay... lycanthrope? Or maybe nosferatu? Or he is just something
we've never heard of before? The "bony protrusions" on his arms
sound like something new to me...
� � His golden eyes closed and when they opened again, they had
become a dark blue color. �His body seemed to relax, loosing much
"losing", not "loosing".
of its bulk, though he was still no small man. �Finally his
claws, on his fingers, toes and forearms retracted. �
I think you can do away with a few of these commas. Maybe:
"Finally, the claws on his fingers, toes and forearms relaxed."
� � "Welcome, Gohegi!"
"Megatron... Megatron... Welcome... Megatron..."
Why do I hear Orson Welles' voice coming out of this strange
and mysterious person? ^_^
� � He glanced around, trying to pinpoint the source of the
voice, "Who said that?"
And now I hear Frank Welker. ^_^
� � "You know...who I am." �Mysterious? �Actually a bit of
overacting. �Only a bit, however.
� � He frowned, which was little more than a slight creasing of
his lips in the downward direction. "Show yourself."
� "I have summoned you here for a purpose!"
� � Despite his annoyance, Gohegi's lips upturned in a slight
grin, revealing more of his fangs, which glittered in the light,
"I refuse to keep this going, I hope you realize."
Awww... But he didn't get to the "NOBODY summons Gohegi!" line... ^_^
� � "Oooooohh!!!" the voice complained, "But I was trying to be
the mysterious head of an elite organization to save the universe
here!"
Hishima: You know, that or a devourer of worlds. Whichever worked
for you...
� � A screen appeared before the two of them, hovering in mid-
air and somewhat translucent. �On it was the face of Yumi, her
ears down, and eyes tearing as she sniffed quite cutely, "You're
all so mean! �I should turn you into Kappas again!"
Or worse... Koopas. ^_^
� � Not even trying to restrain themselves, they grinned at
her, "Kappa! �Kappa Kappa!"
� � That's when she decided to cry at the top of her lungs,
screaming about how no one appreciated what she was doing, and
that everyone was so mean to her.
I think I'm going to like this little group. ^_~
� � "I still think we should have involved Tenchi..."
Well, they already have Yousho. I'm sure if necessary he can
bounce a few rocks off his gradson's head and "convince" the kid
to get involved.
� � They finally reached what appeared to be a room at the end
of this long and winding corridor. �The door opened as they came
near, revealing a chamber with standing room for about four or 5
"five", not "5". Numerals in general are bad when you're writing
a story. You can pretty much only use them for years, dates, or
times safely. Anything else is asking for trouble.
people. �"Yes, he does. �I just hope the worst-case scenario
doesn't pan out. �Not even Yousho is certain if that is what has
happened or not." �They both stepped inside, and Hishima hit a
couple of keys on the left side. �The door slid shut, and both
felt a sudden uplifting movement. �"Still, the idea that Tenchi
could be..."
Tenchi: Oh, man! I'm doomed again, aren't I? Why does this stuff
always happen to ME? Just ONCE, I'd like someone ELSE to be
doomed!
� � "I know." �Gohegi sighed, expressing the bitterness of his
thoughts, "Ryouko, that cute girl Sasami..."
� � "Yes. �Them as well." �
Ryouko: Thanks a LOT, Tenchi.
Tenchi: Woah! That's not what I meant! I take it back! Just doom
me, okay? Leave them alone!
Ryouko: Tenchi? Stop helping.
� � Hishima watched Gohegi look to the ceiling and whisper a
couple of words of prayer to the patron deity of his order,
knowing full well that most gods got their kicks out of how much
hell they could put their followers through before they finally
achieved whatever it was they set out to do. �Which was actually
a lot better than those gods who loved to spoil their creations.
Hehehe. Sometimes, even gods must get bored. And then we get all
kinds of fun stuff. Like giraffes.
� � Gohegi then crossed his arms before him, looked directly at
Hishima, a slight frown on his face, and asked "So...we're going
to die then?"
� � "Yep, we're going to die. �It's probably going to hurt a
lot too."
Gohegi: Well, we didn't get all dressed up for nothing...
� � Funny thing was, precisely fifty-one percent of Sealy
Posturpedic's stock (that's a controlling percentage) was owned
and managed by Yumi. �
Very funny, considering the fact that just a few scenes ago, poor
Hishima was worried about her posture. Maybe she finally got tired of
sitting on pillows all the time.
The other forty-nine percent was owned by
one Washuu Hakubi. �Nobody really knew why, and to be honest,
were afraid to ask either of them.
Offhand, I'd guess that galactic geniuses just like comfy chairs. But
then, I'm sure the answer couldn't be that simple. ^_^
� � Yoshou was the first to speak after a long pause,
"So...what just happened?" �He remembered immediately after his
question, whom it was he was talking to, and what she would
likely say if he didn't add, "Other than it's annihilation of
course."
"its", not "it's"! If you're not careful about that, the Grammar
Police will ticket you! ^_~
� � "Now...I'm going to let Hishima open this thing so you can
see who's in it. �
I'm guessing it's Largo. That nutty boomer just keeps popping up in the
oddest places! ^_^
He touched a single button on
the makeshift console that connected to the container and stepped
away to clear the view. �The front of the stasis pod began to
open slowly. �Inside was a clear tube gold liquid, which bubbled
and moved around the wires and tubes attached to...
I think you want to say "a clear tube "filled with" gold liquid, or
the like. As is, the sentence doesn't make too much sense.
<Metallica - The Call of Cthulu>
� � "Fucking..." Gohegi transformed, shredding the sleeves of
his robe as the blades on his forearms popped out. �With a
frustrated jerk he pulled the remainder of the garment off his
body.
You need a comma after "jerk".
� � Neither Minagi nor Yoshou had made a sound, yet their
movements were faster than thought. �Yoshou stood at the ready, a
wooden pommel adorned by two red gems in his hands. �Pure blue
energy formed the blade of this sword. Minagi had pulled a more
traditional sword from subspace with her left hand and formed a
blade of crimson energy in her right.
Nice to know these two felt so safe and secure in their friends' ship.
It's almost heartwarming, the way they relaxed and let their guards
down. ^_^
� � "Be at ease all. �He is not yet awake, nor will he wake
You need another comma after "ease".
until we wish it to be so." �Hishima explained in the most
soothing voice he could muster.
� � This seemed to placate Minagi and Yoshou who promptly
disarmed, but not Gohegi. �"What is THAT doing here?!" he
demanded. �"Do you realize who that is?! �What he has done?!"
� � "Yes," Yumi answered simply. �"And then some."
� � "And you haven't destroyed him yet?!"
The way you're building this up, it almost has to be...
� � Gohegi relaxed, but did not lose his scowl, "He should be
dead. �Why isn't he dead?"
� � "Yeah right. �Like he, of all beings in the cosmos,
wouldn't have prepared for something like that. �I'm just
surprised no one else went looking for his backup plan." Yumi
shook her head and muttered something about stupid and smart
people to herself, "This is the kind of thing that gets the
heroes of stories killed later on. �
Especially when they're dealing with who I think they're dealing
with. It IS who I think it is, isn't it? ^_^
� � Not one of them lifted a finger to help him. � He pulled
his long green hair to the side, and gave a friendly grin to each
and every person there.
I'm almost amazed he knows what a friendly grin looks like enough
to imitate one...
� � "Well well..." he managed to croak out. �Chuckling slightly
he reached out and pulled very small specs from nothing and put
them on the bridge of his nose where they rested comfortably,
Oh, geez... I was right... O_O
"Look at all those who came to see the resurrection of Kagato.
How utterly..." sharks couldn't smile this wide, "amusing."
AARGH! You ended it HERE? Oh, man! >_<
All I'm going to say is that this chapter was at least as good as
the previous ones, if not better. With Kagato in the mix, things
ought to get pretty interesting pretty quick. I look forward to
seeing how all these seemingly disparate threads (Kiyone and her
mission, the Regent and his new Heir, Yumi and her little gang)
all come together. I'm especially interested to find out the
answers to a few of the questions you've brought up, too.
All in all, I liked it. There weren't too many errors in spelling
or grammar that I could see, and it flowed nicely throughout. My
only real suggestion would be to find a better way of marking scene
changes. Good luck on your next chapter, and I'm sorry once again
that I took so long in getting back to you on this.
Farewell!
-Morgan Hudson
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