"Paul Richard Corrigan" <corrig11@pilot.msu.edu> wrote:

For Christmas, for _Kareshi Kanojo no Jijo_ fans and fanfic lovers

generally,

something that I really do hope does not suck. It's been argued that the

_Karekano_ anime in particular is so complete in itself that any attempt at

fan

fiction is pointless. This, however, refused to let me go. That is a good

thing, because that meant it actually got written.

I used to think the biggest barrier to writing KareKano fanfic was

the difficulty of reproducing the show's visual style in prose.  I

think you've succeeded admirably in this story -- like Ukyou said,

it's easy to imagine where Yukino would turn SD.

This one, like all my others, is probably too long. That, and Aya Sawada

makes

a very poor Linus Van Pelt. In all fairness, though, she's not Linus. For

the

record, she cites the New International Version.

I guess part of the difference is that there's a certain dignity to

the language of the King James Version (says the guy with a

Shakespeare quote in his .sig), and another part is that the

situation in this story doesn't have the same urgency as Charlie

Brown standing on the stage yelling, "Isn't there anyone who can tell

me what Christmas is about?!"  Not to mention the impact of seeing a

five-year-old boy recite from the KJV from memory, even though all

the dialog in that show was spliced together from numerous little

takes by the child actors.  But I digress.

In the year 2000 AD the Japanese Empire lay in ruins. The bursting of the

bubble economy had resulted in record unemployment, in turn leading to an

increase in juvenile delinquency and petty crime. Foreigners roamed the

streets, many of them from East Lansing, Michigan. In short, it was an era

of

chaos.

This combined with the reference to UMich later in the story is

laying it on a bit thick, I think.  Perhaps you should consider

reworking this joke to something else.

New Year money is nice too. Bite me, I'm materialistic.

Yukino almost sounds like Daria at some points....

So we're sitting in the classroom school eating lunch on the 18th and he's

like

"Um...Miyazawa..." hand behind his head and everything.

And I'm all smiles and I'm like, "Yes, what?"

"And I'm like..." sounds a little too Valley Girl for Yukino to me,

and she says it a lot in this story.  Maybe I'm just out of touch

with the way teenagers talk, though.  OTOH, Yukino hasn't interacted

socially with people very much until recently, so how much slang

would you expect her to use?

"I asked him last Christmas, but he turned me down. I went about in a state

of

utter heartbreak for months after that." Amazing how Asaba can sneak up to

you

like that. He was hugging Arima from behind and looking even creepier than

usual.

You removed "gayer" from the original version?  I didn't think that

was necessary; after all, Asaba *does* pretend to be gay because he

thinks 1) it'll get a rise out of Arima and 2) it'll make him more

attractive to women.  Is he very far wrong on either count?

"Love?" I thought it was worth a try. Christians seem to talk about love a

lot.

"No marks. You're the group genius. Getting warmer, though." The answer

seemed

to have done her good.

I'm surprised nobody mentioned Santa Claus.  Or Kentucky Fried

Chicken (see the recent thread on raa.)

I shook my head. "No. I never got around to reading the Bible or anything

like

that," I said. I hadn't either. All I'd ever read were schoolbooks, manga,

books and magazines about getting ahead in business, and Ayn Rand now and

again. "I got a lot out of that just now."

Ayn Rand?  Figures.

Mom looked nice. Really pretty holly-green dress. Of course that meant it

wasn't a real green dress. Dad wouldn't buy one for her, that's cruel.

What do you mean, a real green dress?

Tsubaki swore she

went to the Canadian film because she thought there'd be hockey in it.

I'd think that would have been the equivalent of the swimming pool

cleaning scene in the Utena movie.

"Arima." Softly as I could. "Do you want to spend New Year's with us

instead?"

He looked at me suddenly like he couldn't believe what he'd heard. Maybe he

didn't. "What?"

"With us. With the Miyazawas."

Would anybody actually say that instead of "with my family"?

"My aunt, my father's sister, just said, 'How nice. Do us all a favor and

stay

away, boy.' One of my cousins, her son, said, quote, ''Nighty-night,

fag-boy.

"Oh, you've met him, have you?"

He backed away, his eyes bugging out of his head. "Have you gone crazy?

What

about your sisters?"

"What about them? They won't mind. Maybe we can let them join the party." I

licked my lips and ran my hand down my chest for good measure. "Wanna go

for

it?"

o/~ Got the bill, and Rita paid it/Took her home, I nearly made

it/Sitting on the sofa with a sister or two... o/~

I looked at him. At that moment he finally seemed to me a man. Strong, but

soft. Not the least bit harsh.

That makes an interesting contrast with what Tsubasa said about him.

When Arima's there afterwards I can fall asleep, contented as a baby. As it

was

I lay awake and listened to the still night.

his heart.

---

Is this another text probem?  I can't remember from the first version.



I'd like to see Arima's New Year story too, but I can understand if

you find his relationship with his family to be too distasteful to

write about. Once again, good job with the story.  It's good to see

anybody writing fanfic for underrepresented anime.



--

Julian Fong  --  fong_jh@hotmail.com  --  http://www.twu.net/~jhfong/

 00001000111110000100010000000011111111100001000100001111100010000

"I will chide no breather in the world but myself, against whom I know

most faults." - William Shakespeare, _As You Like It_, Act 3, Scene 2



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