I wish to give thanks to the following people for their
comments, ideas and advice:
Michael Watson (The guy in the back office)
Andrew Norris
Corwin
LarryF (You're right Larry^� this really should be the middle)
DB Sommer
Allyn yonge (BTW: here^�s my disclaimer)
Allyn reminded me to write this disclaimer. So I did.
Twenty Questions (With the Worlds Greatest Martial Artist)
An Interview with Saotome Ranma.
Interview by: Miamato Kaori
Interviewers Notes: When I accepted this assignment it was
with more than a little trepidation. I was going to interview
a living legend. Everyone in Neo-Tokyo has heard his name at
one time or another. Ask almost any school-aged boy^� He would
more than likely be able to rattle off every one of Master
Saotomes famous battles and ^�special^� moves. This assignment
was also accepted with more than a little incredulity. A
Martial Arts Master who was going to be 450 years old in
thirteen days? This is the year 2416 for the Kami^�s sakes.
Yes, it^�s true that lives are longer these days. With the
increase in technology in the last one hundred years, we
have made more increases in science and biology than we
had in two thousand before. Now I was going to be talking
to a man who had (supposedly) seen all of these advances
first hand. A man who had (If his age was correct) lived
while the world reeled from the Second American Revolution
and the destruction of Central Europe. Was I even going to
be able to reach a frame of reference and be able to converse
with such a person? Time would tell...
I sat waiting at a small restaurant in a sub-prefecture of
Neo-Tokyo still referred to by its inhabitants as ^�Nerima^�.
Grand Master Saotome had picked the location and I had made
sure I was early^� I am not sure exactly what I was expecting
but I was NOT expecting the lithe, 30 something man who
walked in the door. He was tall and handsome, A head full of
black hair tied into a pigtail and a pair of the most
shockingly blue eyes I have ever seen.
He came directly to the table I was sitting at and
introduced himself. I must admit to be completely flabbergasted.
Saotome Ranma: (Smiling) ^�You might want to close your mouth...
I don^�t see any flies, but one shouldn^�t take some chances.^�
Miamato Kaori: (Stammering) ^�But, but, but^�^�
SR: (
*Sigh*) ^�Okay, this one is the freebie^� (Muttering)
^�It always is... Yes, I AM Saotome Ranma. The ^�Wild Horse^�,
The Grand Master of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts,
Adopted Son of the Amazon^�s of China, etc. etc. etc. I am
four hundred and forty-nine years old, and will be four
fifty in some^�^� (Leans back and looks up at the ceiling)
^�thirteen days.^�
^�You can call me Ranma^�^�
1MK: (Having difficulty getting composure back) ^�Uhmm^� Okay^�
Uhmm^� So, what is it like to be that old?^� (Not the best
question I have ever come up with, but YOU try it after
such a shock.)
SR: ^�It^�s not to bad once I got over the sadness of being
condemned to live.^�
2MK: ^�Huh? I don^�t understand, condemned to live? What do
you mean?^�
SR: (Looking, in his eyes anyway, every bit of his supposed
age.) ^�I meant what I said^� Look, I know EXACTLY why Cologne
was such a cranky old bitch and why Happosai was a hentai,
and didn^�t care who knew. They were tired. They were old.
You^�ve heard of Cologne and Happy haven^�t you? Of course you
have. You musta read up on me..." (Leaning forward with a somber
look on his face) ^�Can you imagine what it is like to outlive
everyone you ever cared for? To watch as your loved ones grow
old and die, or just die? I don^�t have to imagine it^� I live it.^�
3MK: (Attempting to regain my mental feet) ^�But, according to
all accounts, Master Happosai and Elder Cologne were, well^�
They looked their age. They appeared ancient. You look like
you are in your thirties^� How?^�
SR: (Sitting back in his seat) ^�I have come up with two
theories, which, when I combine them give me the only answer
I have to give you.
Number one: I use my Chi better than either one of
them ever did. I^�m not bragging. At the age of seventeen I
could do more different kinds of Chi attacks than Cologne or
Happy put together. Cologne almost never did any Chi attacks
by the time I met her. Sure, she knew all of the attacks but
other than using her Chi to boost her speed she seldom used
them. I figured that almost all of her Chi went into
preserving her health, which had to be failing by the time I
met her. Happosai^� He was damn near a Chi vampire.^� (Saotome^�s
face gets more animated at this time.) ^�He was always groping
girls and playing with their underwear. What he was doing was
using the residual Chi left in their underclothes to recharge
his own Chi. Direct contact was better of course, but no
girls ^�I^� can think of would want him to fondle them. I have
always been really good at using my Chi. For some reason I have
more than a normal share of Chi, and able to use the Ki ambient
in the area that I am in.^�
4MK: (Slightly confused) ^�Uhmmm^� Okay^�. I think I followed that.
What^�s the second theory?^�
SR: (Looking sheepish) ^�Well^�Uhmmm^�^� (Reaches up and scratches
the back of his head) ^�Okay, everyone knows I turn into a girl
when I get splashed with cold water. Well, what I figure is
that the guide didn^�t give me the full name of the pool I fell
into. I figure the right name shoulda been ^�Spring of Drowned
Young Girl^�. When I get wet now I turn into a girl who looks
all of 25. ^�She^� looked about 16 when I first fell into the pool.
So^� going by that^� I figure that ^�she^� ages about 1 year for
every fifty regular years. And her stunted aging has affected
mine.^� (He leans back farther in his seat) ^�It^�s also possible
that when I ^�picked up^� the curse that I call ^�Ranko^� that I
not only got her form I got her Chi^�That would give me twice
a normal persons Chi.^�
5MK: (Counting on my fingers) ^�That^�s three theories^� not two.^�
SR: (Looking up suddenly with a grin) ^�Huh? Oh, yea^� guess it
is^�^� Heh-heh-heh^�^� (Rubs the back of his neck with his hand)
6MK: "Could your having the ^�Cat Fist^� also account for some of
your abilities with Chi?"
SR: (A flat stare is directed at me^�) ^�Next question^� And that
one counts towards the total^�^�
7MK: (I shivered at the stare. The full attention of Grand
Master Saotome is no little thing, I had discovered. After a
moment to compose myself I finally got on some sort of mental
even-ground.) ^�Alright, so^� you really are four hundred and
forty-nine years old. How many times have you been married?
SR: (Face becoming serious) ^�Not as many times as I have been
asked, and more times than I should have.^�
8MK: "Would you mind expanding on that?"
SR: ^�No.^� (His face turns hard for a moment and then softens)
^�Maybe I should.^� (He leans forward, putting his elbows on his
knees) ^�For some reason I have been a fianc�e magnet for my
entire life.^� (Muttering) ^�Mostly due to my old man...^� (Out
loud again) ^�Anyway, I have been chased, coerced, hounded,
forcebly engaged, bribed, and otherwise enticed into becoming
engaged. Very seldom was I ever given a choice. And when I
was, it always seemed to be a choice between two evils.^�
(Ranma^�s eyes grew reflective) ^�Abusive women, getting drugged,
magical charms, family obligations, you name it. My first
marriage was a disaster. I swear^� everyone must know about it.
It was the worst of them all^� arranged, violent, multiple other
fiancees, too many people into our business^� All for the
so-called honor of two old drunks who just wanted to retire
on our labors. Not that I was much better, mind you. I was
arrogant, obnoxious, egotistical, and entirely un-prepared
to be someone's boyfriend, much less a husband. I barely had
a grasp of common courtesy."(mutters) "Course being raised
by HIM..." (Out loud again) "Akane wasn't to blame for all our
problems, but she didn't help. To be honest though, I have to
say that a LOT of our problems stem from our families and being
pushed."
9MK: "Do you have any advice for our readers who might be
getting married soon?"
SR: "Yes. Live your own lives. Make your own mistakes. Oh,
you'll make mistakes, but at least they'll be your own.
I have been married a grand total of six times^�^� (Here he
pauses to look at my face) ^�What? Do you find that hard to
believe? It^�s true. After that mess with the Tendou^�s I swore
that I would only marry for love. Once for honor^� Five times
for love^� Never for eternity.^�
MK: ^�They must have been five lucky women^�^�
SR: ^�You think so? Maybe^� Maybe not.^� (His eyes cloud over at
this point. He is easily the most impressive and gorgeous man
I have ever laid eyes on) ^�Think about it for a moment^� I am
not the easiest person to live with. Martial arts will always
come first for me^� Always has. This is not to say that I don^�t
have other interests^� I do. It^�s just that martial arts IS my
life. Any woman that I become involved with has to realize and
accept that^�Not many can. Now add in that I will almost certainly
outlive anyone I marry and then add in the fact that I still have
problems keeping my mouth from running amuck at times... Well, you
go figure.^�
10MK: (I sat and ^�figured^� for a moment. Ranma Saotome^� His face,
his voice, all of him. Personally, I think he sold himself short.
Almost any woman I could think of would jump at the chance to be
with him.) ^�So^� what do you think of the Martial Artists of today
versus the ones of your youth?^� (I was purposefully trying to
steer the conversation away from what was obviously a tender
subject with him.)
SR: (Obviously relieved at being given an ^�out^�) ^�What do I think
of the Martial Artists nowadays? Honestly? Not much. No. Really.
Look at what these so called martial artists are doing now^�
What^�s the latest gimmick? It^�s those neural implants right?
Okay^� let^�s look at this^� These wannabees have neural amplifiers
grafted into themselves in order to make themselves faster. So
what? All the ^�fast^� in the world doesn^�t help you if you don^�t
have the basic skills to use it with. Martial Arts is not only
about winning a fight^� It^�s about training your body, your mind
and your spirit to be one^� united in one course of action. Whether
that action is fighting an opponent, performing a kata, or simply
making a meal. Harmony with oneself^�. These neural Amplifiers are
burning these guys out^� Sure they become almost as fast as I am
while using the Chestnut Fist^� So what? One year, two years^� two
and a half, tops, and these guys are burnt out shells. Their
bodies aren^�t able to handle the stress, and their muscles
literally tear themselves apart."
11MK: "Speaking of training your body. How do you compensate for
the vast differences in the center of gravity and mechanics of
motion between your two forms? Reliable sources have said that
at times you don't even notice a change until someone points it
out. With your 'oneness of mind, body, and spirit' how is that
possible?"
SR: (His head cocks to one side and he gives me a grin.) "You
memorized THAT one didn't you?" (A small nod from me.) "Some-
body in the back office thought THAT one up, didn't they?"
(Again, I have to nod) "Thought so... It's okay, I'll answer
it anyways. As far as I can tell and feel, 'Ranko' IS me."
(I must have a bewildered look on my face, because he smiles
a bit more and shakes his head) "My curse makes me a female
but it doesn't change me. You don't get what I'm saying, do
you? ( A shake of my head.) (Sigh) "Okay, let me try again.
The me that I become when I become Ranko is the me that I would
have been if I had been born Ranko. I don't notice the change,
because when I change I am no longer Ranma, I'm Ranko. It's
my body. Now do you understand?"
MK: "I... I think so. I am still a bit confused, but I think I
have a grasp on it."
SR: "Okay, you did your homework on me right?" (At my nod, he
smiles again. I could get to like that smile. A lot) "Okay then.
How do you think Mousse could fly as a duck?" (I KNOW I had to
look bewildered at this change in topic) (Sigh) "Mousse knew
how to fly as a duck. By all rights he shouldn't have been able
to, UNLESS Mousse WAS a duck whenever he changed. If he hadn't
actually BEEN the duck then he wouldn't have known how to fly."
MK: "Oh. Uhmm... Okay. (A light bulb seemed to go on in my head)
"Oh!. Okay! I get it now... What you are saying is that when you
change you really ARE your curse, as if you had always been your
cursed form." As if you were really born that way."
SR: (Smiling a bit sadly this time) "Yes. Exactly that." (Shakes
his head as if to clear it) "The philosophical parts to that can
be a bit troubling at times, but yes."
MK12 (Somehow I just know he's not going to expand any further
on the philosophical ramifications, so I try gamely to continue
on with the interview) "So, just how rich are you? Considering
your lifespan you should be one of the richest people alive"
(I had to wince after asking that. Kami, that sounded BAD)
SR: (A full blown laugh escapes, and his eyes light up) "Oh, that
was good... For a minute there you sounded exactly like someone
I knew a long time ago." (Shakes his head) "You know, It's amazing
somtimes just how the mind works and how you remember things. As
for my wealth... Well, let's just say I am very wealthy money wise
and leave it at that. I tend to give a bit away to some charities
now and then. And no, I won't say how much or to whom."
MK13: "Okay. You have mentioned that you didn't like the technology
that today's martial artists were using. You have witnessed the
birth and development of many technologies. Would you mind relating
some of your first hand experience with the technology changes from
when you were young?"
SR: "For the most part technology increase is the same that it
always has been. Show someone how to make better medicine or
crops and they'll look at you as if you are spouting nonsense.
Show them a better way of fighting and killing though, and they'll
fall all themselves to get a hold of it." (Shakes his head slowly
and sadly) "Maybe that is too pessimistic, I don't know. Don't get
me wrong, there have been some wonderfull advances in technology.
But, have you noticed that people are still people? Sure, we have
a colony on Mars and another on Venus. Sure people have tried to
make technology a god. So? People still live, love, have babies
and, eventually, die. Have you ever noticed that for every answer
that technology gives us that people and nature come up with five
more questions?"
MK14: "Speaking of Mars and Venus, how did you feel when humans
first set foot on other planets? "
SR: "Relieved. I felt relieved when it became certain that the
Colonies could and would be permanent. At least this way, if
we manage to screw up this planet too badly at least people
will survive."
MK15: "What was it like during 'The Crazy Years'? Was it really
as bad as the histories say?"
SR: "No, it was worse." (Any form of life seems to fade away from
his eyes for a moment. It's like looking into the face of Death
or at least someone who is close friends with Her) "Europe... It
blew up, okay? They had FINALLY managed to get a grip on AIDS, and
then AIDSII hit. The Euro money system bottomed out and they kept
looking at the Americans to bail them out. Of course, the Americans
had problems of their own, as the line between the 'haves' and the
'have nots' became broader. They could no longer afford their own
programs, yet they kept throwing money all over the place. (He looks
up sundenly) Are you familiar with the History of Rome?
MK: "Huh!? what does THAT have to do with the this?"
SR: (Sigh) "Simple. Those that forget the past are doomed to
repeat it. Rome had 'Bread and Circuses'. They became decadent.
Then the Barbarians fell on them. That's what happened to America,
and through them, a major portion of the world. When is a privilege,
no longer a privilege?"
MK: (He seemed to delight in trying to confuse me) "Uhmmm...When
it becomes a 'Right'?"
SR: (Smiling just a little) "Yes! Exactly. Unfortunately, the
Americans and Europeans could no longer afford to give the people
their 'rights' and of course, the people turned on them. All things
considered, the Americans got off lucky. At least their countries
there aren't radioactive wastelands like Europe. Before you ask,
no, I don't know who started the war in Europe. It really doesn't
matter anymore. What matters is that we learn from what happened."
MK16: "If I may ask... What were you doing during these years?"
SR: (A VERY hard look enters his eyes. He is more than scary at
this moment. Then it passes as he lowers his head) "Me? (He shakes
his head sadly) "I was watching old friends die and trying to hold
a country together. (He looks up, and I am suprised to see unshed
tears in those bright blue eyes) "I was in China."
MK: (Oh. Damn) (I knew where this was going: The Chinese/Russo
War and the Amazons) (I hesitantly reach out to touch his hand)
"I... I'm sorry Saotome-sama..."
SR: (His head snaps up and and LOOKS at me) "Don't call me that.
Please, do not call me that." (His look softens and he actually
reaches out in order to hold my hand) "I did what had to be done.
We all did what had to be done. The Russians, the Chinese, the
Amazons, even Saffron did what they thought had to be done. Just
like I had to kill him. Again." (His eyes cloud up again and it
is obvious that he is not seeing the present, he is reliving the
past)
MK: (I... I couldn't understand exactly how he felt, No one
today possibly could, but my heart went out to him. The deaths
of 25 million people is just to big for a person to really grasp.
The death of one person such as Matriarch Shampoo was reported
to have been... must have been entirely TOO easy for him to grasp)
(Softly) "You don't like killing..."
SR: (Just as softly as I had spoken) "No. No, I don't. But
sometimes there really is no choice, and the path of a Martial
Artist is fraught with peril. And if the life I have now isn't
exactly what I had hoped and planned for, well, that's true of
a lot of people."
MK17: "Uhhmmm...." (At this point, I'm trying desperately to
come up with some other topic. I had not expected this interview
to go like this. He was not a Kami, or an Oni, as many would
believe. He was a man) "There was a rumor going around for awhile
that you had been offered rule of Japan. Do you wish to cofirm
or deny this?"
SR: (His eyes widen perceptably) "Rule of Japan? No. (His voice
actually squeeks a little) "No, I have never been offered rule
over Japan." (Muttering) "China, yes, Tibet maybe... Japan? No,
never Japan. I think."
MK18: (Okaaayyy... THAT was not the best of questions...) "In
all these years, have you never found a cure for your curse?
SR: "No, that I haven't been able to do. Actually, I found a
cure once a long time ago. I ended up destroying that cure in
order to save someone. To be honest with you, I haven't been
looking for a cure in ages. I have come to accept that it's a
part of me. It took me ages to get to this point, but I have."
MK19: (Whew, I was getting close to being done. This interview
was like an emotional roller-coaster. One minute high in the
air, the next plumeting downwards) "Do you have any advice
for all of the future Martial Artists out there?
SR: "Yes. Basics. Learn them, remember them. Don't try and take
the shortcuts. Learn about your chosen Art and about yourself.
Oh, and stay away from Jusenkyo. The path of the true martial
artist is fraught with peril... But, it's plain silly to tempt
fate. Whenever you do, she has a habbit of slapping you in the
face."
MK20: "Last question Master Saotome: Your plans for the future.
Would you mind sharing them with us?"
SR: (Smiling at me as he gets up from the table) "I'm going to
learn as much as I can, Live as much as I'm able. Who knows,
I may even fall in love again someday. Stranger things have
happened to me...." (He slowly heads out of the doorway, his
steps neither fast nor slow. Measured)
MK: (As I sit here watching him walk away the waitress who has
been conspiciously absent makes an appearence)
Waitress: "Well... Are you just going to sit there or are you
going after him?"
MK: (I am more than a bit suprised at this outburst and I look
up at her. Long brown hair and bright blue eyes appraise me)
"I...I..."
Waitress: "Your loss Sugar..." (And she turns and walks away)
MK: (I head out the door at a run. Decorum be damned. She is
right)
Editor's Note: Miamato Kaori's whereabout's are currently
unknown. Another reporter was sent to the restaurant to
inquire as to her location. He returned to our office
with a large spatula imprint on his face and told quote:
"Ancestor is busy now being chased. When she catches him
you will know." While this was obviously not an acceptable
answer, no-one has accepted the duty of inquiring further.
There... Finished. It's 4:32 in the bloody morning, and
I have to be up for work at 6:00. Oh well... Hope that you
all liked. Again, C&C is welcome and appreciated. As a
further note: I am not completely against an Akane/Ranma
match-up. I do believe it won't just magically become all
sweetness and light between them without a lot of time
and a LOT of effort on both parties.
QSK
_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at
http://explorer.msn.com