Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
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Shan Pu was not a happy Amazon. Something was
Urk. I've seen "So-and-so was not a happy such-and-such" used as an
opening too many times. :/
different at the Tendou household and that made her uneasy. In
her experience, change was a bad thing. Change meant illness,
famine . . . government officials. Like that last bunch from
Bejing - -trying to move sixty thousand farmers onto the border
Beijing
I find myself wondering what this digression has to do with anything. Does it
really need to be there? Okay, it does introduce the strategy of letting one's
opponents trap themselves, but I think you could manage this without such a
lengthy exposition.
_Farmers_! The only thing they would accomplish
would be to destroy the pasturage before they starved to death
themselves. Pattering noiselessly across the roofs she leapt
roofs, she
across to the Tendou's house.
Tendous' (there are more than one Tendou)
Freezing in place Shan Pu listened to the night, with
place, Shan
Grabbing the edge of the roof Shan Pu swung herself
roof, Shan
into space.
Amazon's loved a good joke--the simple humor of a
Amazons
Frowning she listened carefully in the darkness. This
was the first time in almost a week there hadn't been a light in
the room. That had decided her to make this attempt. She didn't
Decided her? I don't think that's the right way to word it. Perhaps
"convinced her?"
have the patience to wait half a century for results. A secretive
smile crossed her face. She _did_ like the concept of turning
your enemy's strength against them.
suggest: of turning her enemy's
Cautiously, quiet as a cat's shadow, she moved to the
bed, gently searching for the occupant by touch.
Where _was_ the dratted girl? She started feeling along
the floor. Maybe she fell out of bed?
Maybe she had fallen out of bed? (tense)
She didn't want the pervert-girl dead, that would be
wasteful as well as unwise. It would make Ranma depressed
and sulky. Worse, if he decided the Amazon's were
Amazons (don't use apostrohpes for plurals; only for possessives or
contractions with "is")
responsible for her death . . . Shan Pu shuddered, recalling
what had happened on a mountain in China not so long ago.
Better to use the Councils example-- help the violent pervert-
Council's (*do* use apostrophes for possessives)
Finishing her search, she'd even checked the closet,
search -- she'd even checked the closet --
or
search (she'd even checked the closet),
Not in her room-- downstairs? Stealthily Shan Pu
Stealthily, Shan
padded down the corridor, listening at each room, one-by-one.
Satisfied that Akane was not there she continued downstairs.
there, she
Silent as a shadow she ghosted through the main room.
shadow, she
Finding nothing she decided to check the kitchen next.
nothing, she
"shhhaa," Shan Pu squeaked. Embarrassed she tried
Embarrassed, she
"How . . ." Shan Pu closed her mouth with a snap.
There were some things women were not meant to know.
RANMA: Yeah. Like how to use a urinal.
It would surprise the uninitiated to know how Amazon's
Amazons
cherished their men; pampered and petted them. They
controlled their men absolutely, but not with whips or clubs as
often imagined by outsiders. The Amazon's preference was to
Amazons' (you're talking about more than one of them)
"Hello Shan Pu. Goodby Shan Pu." Akane plodded past
"Hello, Shan Pu. Goodbye, Shan Pu."
Her next question died, still born, as she took in
Akane's torn and bloody appearance. "Pervert-girl okay?" She
frowned at Akane's ripped and filthy pajama's, the dark
pajamas
"Akane . . ." San P'u repeated softly, an odd expression
Pu
Akane jerked back as the promised treat was thrust in
her face. "What! What _is_ that?" She pointed at the fried snack
that waved cheerily back with six of it's eight tentacles.
its
"Is squid-on-stick," Shan Pu repeated in the overly
patient tones reserved for none-to-bright children. "with magic
children, "with
or
children. "With
herbs make pervert-girl tell truth why act so strange."
"WHAT!" Akane's voice cracked, and she coughed
uncontrollably. Concerned Shan Pu patted her on the back.
Concerned, Shan
"Here tea." She stepped past Akane dropped a coin into
Akane, dropped
a vending machine and waited while a can rattled down the
machine, and
Wasn't this happening near Akane's home? What's a vending machine doing
here?
"Is zombie plant extract," Shan Pu smiled, rubbing her
extract." Shan
lips and showing Akane her freshly tinted finger tip. "one kiss
"One (caps)
"Nothing's happening." Akane said doubtfully.
happening,"
Shan Pu frowned at Akane, as if it were her own fault
she weren't mimicking a domestic water fowl. Fumbling in a
she wasn't
(it's not a hypothetical; she really isn't doing it)
concealed pocket she produced a small tube. Squinting at the
pocket, she
"Is past expiration date," Shan Pu pointed to the tiny
date." Shan
print under the label, "see?"
label. "See?"
"No truth spice, no zombie kiss," Shan Pu answered
pityingly, "squid for Shan Pu snack." She shook a coil of rope
>from her sleeve and made a loop, reaching for Akane's hands.
"No waste magic on pervert-girl when trick work just same."
She dropped the loop around Akane's right wrist and brought
the arm behind the gasping girls back.
girl's
"I appreciate the offer," Akane slammed her head back
offer."
into Shan Pu's face, mashing her nose against her cheek in a
spray of blood. "but I'm not packed for a trip!" She rolled
"But
Akane pulled the loop free of her wrist, holding the
short length of nylon in a "Nesting-Swallow" grip. Shan Pu
eyed the flexible-weapons technique with grudging respect.
Wiping blood from her face with the back of her hand she
hand, she
"Akane no fight," she said soothingly, sounding as if she
had a head cold. "no get hurt."
cold, "no
"I'm not the one with the broken nose." Akane retorted,
nose,"
moving cautiously to one side, looking for an opening.
"Akane no can beat Shan Pu," the Amazon said
reasonably. "even when not hurt." She thought for a moment.
reasonably, "even
or
reasonably. "Even
The Amazon expected this. Instead of fighting against
Akane she added her strength _to_ the other girls effort. The
girl's
Cat quick Shan Pu moved, attempting to take Akane
quick, Shan
down with a simple leg sweep. Akane easily avoided the
blatantly telegraphed move, but it was obvious she was tired.
Shaking her head at Akane's foolishness Shan Pu slipped past
foolishness, Shan
"Akane cute when play warrior," Shan Pu easily
warrior." Shan
avoided Akane's wild swings, dancing away from her clumsy
kicks, "but no have time now. You come China, find many
kicks. "But
friends play with." She smiled invitingly, holding out another
length of rope.
Akane growled in fury and wrenching a hubcap from a
and, wrenching
Neko-Shan-P'u was struggling frantically to free herself
Pu
Neko-Shan-P'u mewed pitifully as a shining emerald
Pu
"My baby has been murdered in her sleep!"
KASUMI: Oh, silly Father. You can't have babies. You're a male.
"My baby, my baby," Souun fell on Akane's shoulder
baby."
"Father saw the blood----
Need an end quote mark.
"Oneesama, let me do that," Akane made as if to take
that."
the scrub brush from her sister, dragging Souun with her as she
moved.
"It's no problem," Kasumi smiled up at her sister from
problem."
"OK sis," Nabiki was knuckling sleep from her eyes.
"OK, Sis."
"you want to tell us what happened?" She ran a sardonic eye
"You
over Akane's bruised face and arms.
"Ummmm, I . . .uhhhh . . .felt like going out. For some
fresh air. And . . .uhhhh . . .I fell. In the dark." Akane said with
dark," Akane
"You're right Ranma,"
right,
Shocked Ranma's eyes flew open to see Akane looking
Shocked,
"oh my." Ranma watched the door close behind her,
"Oh
******************************************************
Ranma was not having a good day.
Urk again. :/
"Please tell me where I may find _Her_ Saotome----
San-----" Even in the grip of his obvious agitation the cross
agitation, the
dressing Ninja remained excruciatingly polite and correct.
cross-dressing is hyphenated, and don't capitalize ninja (it's not a
proper name)
"Look Konatsu," Ranma back-peddled as the kimono
"Look, Konatsu."
clad boy tried, in a well mannered way, to remove his head
kimono-clad
>from his shoulders with a short sword. "I ain't gonna' let ya
bother Akane. For one thing," he rolled under a Flaming Comet
thing--" He
strike, coming up flat against Konatsu's chest, pinning the
slighter figure against the side of the school, "she ain't feelin'
school. "She
so good." Deftly he applied a joint lock, disarming the ninja. Of
Deftly, he
that weapon at least.
An' if ya _did_ find her, she'd chew ya up and spit ya
out, he thought, but didn't say.
Hasn't he thought of looking at Akane's home? Wotta maroon.
"AAAAAAAAA!" Ranma fled to the swimming pool as
the gun-powder ignited.
gunpowder
"She won't talk to me," Konatsu waited for Ranma-
me."
"I can let you know where to find Akane," Konatsu
Akane."
turned to face the intruder, "for a mere five thousand yen. . . ."
intruder. "For
"Hmmmm," Nabiki counted the money again, then
"Hmmmm."
stuffed it into her pocket. "Five thousand for information." She
smiled at Konatsu. It was the sort of toothy smile that was
usually the very last sight small fishies had of large sharks.
"Then there's the ten thousand yen for the shirt Ukyou sliced off
my sister," she tapped her palm again. "and another fifty
sister." She
again. "And
thousand for the doctors bill. For the injuries when Ukyou
doctor's
belted her with that spatula." Nabiki pulled an envelope from
an inside pocket. "The markings are _very_ distinct on the
police photos."
"Police?" Konatsu said faintly.
KONATSU: In Nerima? Since when?
NABIKI: It's the new anti-martial artist squad.
"Can and will," Nabiki was suddenly all business.
will."
"Maaaan," Ranma pushed between them. "We ain't
"Maaaan."
gonna take nuthin' from nobody." He yanked the envelope from
Nabiki's hands. "I'm sorry Ukyou got hurt. But she _did_ go
lookin' for trouble." He crumpled the envelope and patted
Konatsu on the shoulder. "You tell Ukyou not to worry. Akane
ain't been feelin' good and she kinda . . .over reacted. But we
ain't goin' to the police or suein' nobody," he glared at Nabiki,
suin' nobody." He glared at Nabiki.
"or nuthin' like that. So you ain't gotta worry."
"Or
"T . . .thank you Saotome-sama," Konatsu's eyes
you, Saotome-sama."
"For what your sister did to my beloved Shan Pu," Mu
Si threatened a water fountain. "you and all your family will
fountain, "you
DIE!"
"Hey man," Ranma landed softly behind the blind
"Hey, man."
magician, placing Nabiki safely to one side. "what's up?"
"What's
"Do not interfere Saotome or you will feel my wrath!"
interfere, Saotome, or
"You," Nabiki pounded futilely at the arm around her
"You--"
neck, "are,"fumbling a fountain pen from her pocket she
neck. "Are--" Fumbling
pocket, she
jammed it between Ranma-chan's fingers and pried,
pried.
"PATHETIC!" she wheezed, falling to her knees as she broke
free of Ranma's clutching hands. Divested of Nabiki's
protection Ranma searched frantically for his worst nightmare.
protection,
His wildly darting eyes finally found-----
"A rat?" he took a step toward it, wrinkling his nose in
He
disgust. "A really ugly rat!" He picked the thing up by it's long
its
naked tail. "Boy, I thought for a minute I heard a
c . . .c . . .c . . ."
"One of those things that aren't a rat? Nabiki put in
rat?"
The "rat" sneered at Ranma and, walking over to a
stunned student, flipped a bowl of hot soup from her bentou
over it's head.
its
Ranma, for once speechless, stared back at his "wife".
Involuntarily his eyes dropped lower. His bald-as-an-egg _all-
over_ " wife".
"Eeeeep!"
PRINCIPAL: 'Ey, dis wahine's da new transfer student! She gotta get da
regulation haircut, yeah?
Overall impressions... the fight scenes seemed to drag, especially the
Akane/Shamps one, and they didn't seem to advance the story too much either in
terms of plot or (related) character development. You might want to take a bit
of your own advice and look for places to cut. As with the previous chapters,
the cast generally seems a shade nastier than in the manga.
One other thing that occurred to me after reading: it seems unlike Ranma to give
up so fast. Contrary to what he says here about not being able to deal with
things he can't punch, he's actually fairly resourceful when he puts his mind to
something. At the least, I'd expect him to make a visit to Akane's room via the
window.
I answer ALL my e-mail. If you ever write and don't get
an answer, it's a mistake. :(
I've posted responses on all the chapters so far. Let me know if you
didn't get any of them.
2) Due to an orgy of C&Cing I've got tendinitis
in my right arm. I'm packing it in ice but I'm going
to be a little slow until the inflamation goes down.
(Note to self>> Buy ergonimic key-board. ^_^)
Or a microphone and voice recognition software. Of course, that might
get a lot of the punctuation wrong, but... er... well.... ^_^
Anyhow, looking forward to the next release.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html