Subject: [FFML] Re: [fanfic][ranma]Bedlam Fire Chapter 4
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 12/15/2000, 12:15 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com, Allyn Yonge

Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:



******************************************************



    Shan Pu was not a happy Amazon. Something was



Urk. I've seen "So-and-so was not a happy such-and-such" used as an

opening too many times. :/



different at the Tendou household and that made her uneasy. In

her experience, change was a bad thing. Change meant illness,

famine . . . government officials. Like that last bunch from

Bejing - -trying to move sixty thousand farmers onto the border



Beijing



I find myself wondering what this digression has to do with anything. Does it

really need to be there? Okay, it does introduce the strategy of letting one's

opponents trap themselves, but I think you could manage this without such a

lengthy exposition.



    _Farmers_! The only thing they would accomplish

would be to destroy the pasturage before they starved to death

themselves.  Pattering noiselessly across the roofs she leapt



roofs, she



across to the Tendou's house.



Tendous' (there are more than one Tendou)



    Freezing in place Shan Pu listened to the night, with



place, Shan



    Grabbing the edge of the roof Shan Pu swung herself



roof, Shan



into space.

         

    Amazon's loved a good joke--the simple humor of a



Amazons



     Frowning she listened carefully in the darkness. This

was the first time in almost a week there hadn't been a light in

the room. That had decided her to make this attempt. She didn't



Decided her? I don't think that's the right way to word it. Perhaps

"convinced her?"



have the patience to wait half a century for results. A secretive

smile crossed her face. She _did_ like the concept of turning

your enemy's strength against them.



suggest: of turning her enemy's



    Cautiously, quiet as a cat's shadow, she moved to the

bed, gently searching for the occupant by touch.



    

    Where _was_ the dratted girl? She started feeling along

the floor. Maybe she fell out of bed?



Maybe she had fallen out of bed? (tense)



    She didn't want the pervert-girl dead, that would be

wasteful as well as unwise. It would make Ranma depressed

and sulky. Worse, if he decided the Amazon's were



Amazons	(don't use apostrohpes for plurals; only for possessives or

contractions with "is")



responsible for her death . . . Shan Pu shuddered, recalling

what had happened on a mountain in China not so long ago.

Better to use the Councils example-- help the violent pervert-



Council's	(*do* use apostrophes for possessives)



    Finishing her search, she'd even checked the closet,



search -- she'd even checked the closet --



or



search (she'd even checked the closet),



     Not in her room-- downstairs? Stealthily Shan Pu



Stealthily, Shan



padded down the corridor, listening at each room, one-by-one.

Satisfied that Akane was not there she continued downstairs. 



there, she



    Silent as a shadow she ghosted through the main room. 



shadow, she



Finding nothing she decided to check the kitchen next.



nothing, she



    "shhhaa," Shan Pu squeaked. Embarrassed she tried



Embarrassed, she



    "How . . ." Shan Pu closed her mouth with a snap.

There were some things women were not meant to know.



RANMA: Yeah. Like how to use a urinal.



    It would surprise the uninitiated to know how Amazon's



Amazons



cherished their men; pampered and petted them. They

controlled their men absolutely, but not with whips or clubs as

often imagined by outsiders. The Amazon's preference was to



Amazons' (you're talking about more than one of them)



    "Hello Shan Pu. Goodby Shan Pu." Akane plodded past



"Hello, Shan Pu. Goodbye, Shan Pu."



    Her next question died, still born, as she took in

Akane's torn and bloody appearance. "Pervert-girl okay?" She

frowned at Akane's ripped and filthy  pajama's, the dark



pajamas



    "Akane . . ." San P'u repeated softly, an odd expression



Pu



    Akane jerked back as the promised treat was thrust in

her face. "What! What _is_ that?" She pointed at the fried snack

that waved cheerily back with six of it's eight tentacles. 



its



    "Is squid-on-stick," Shan Pu repeated in the overly

patient tones reserved for none-to-bright children.  "with magic



children, "with



or



children. "With



herbs make pervert-girl tell truth why act so strange."



    "WHAT!" Akane's voice cracked, and she coughed

uncontrollably. Concerned Shan Pu patted her on the back. 



Concerned, Shan



    "Here tea." She stepped past Akane dropped a coin into



Akane, dropped



a vending machine and waited while a can rattled down the



machine, and



Wasn't this happening near Akane's home? What's a vending machine doing

here?



    "Is zombie plant extract," Shan Pu smiled, rubbing her



extract." Shan



lips and showing Akane her freshly tinted finger tip. "one kiss



"One	(caps)



    "Nothing's happening." Akane said doubtfully.



happening,"



    Shan Pu frowned at Akane, as if it were her own fault

she weren't mimicking a domestic water fowl. Fumbling in a



she wasn't

(it's not a hypothetical; she really isn't doing it)



concealed pocket she produced a small tube. Squinting at the



pocket, she



    "Is past expiration date," Shan Pu pointed to the tiny



date." Shan



print under the label, "see?"



label. "See?"



    "No truth spice, no zombie kiss," Shan Pu answered

pityingly, "squid for Shan Pu snack." She shook a coil of rope

>from her sleeve and made a loop, reaching for Akane's hands.

"No waste  magic on  pervert-girl when trick work just same."

She dropped the loop around Akane's right wrist and brought

the arm behind the gasping girls back.



girl's



    "I appreciate the offer," Akane slammed her head back



offer."



into Shan Pu's face, mashing her nose against her cheek in a

spray of blood. "but I'm not packed for a trip!" She rolled



"But



    Akane pulled the loop free of her wrist, holding the

short length of nylon in a "Nesting-Swallow" grip. Shan Pu

eyed the flexible-weapons technique with grudging respect.

Wiping blood from her face with the back of her hand she



hand, she



    "Akane no fight," she said soothingly, sounding as if she

had a head cold. "no get hurt."



cold, "no



    "I'm not the one with the broken nose." Akane retorted,



nose,"



moving cautiously to one side, looking for an opening.



    "Akane no can beat Shan Pu," the Amazon said

reasonably. "even when not hurt." She thought for a moment.



reasonably, "even

or

reasonably. "Even



    The Amazon expected this. Instead of fighting against

Akane she added her strength _to_ the other girls effort. The



girl's



    Cat quick Shan Pu moved, attempting to take Akane



quick, Shan



down with a simple leg sweep. Akane easily avoided the

blatantly telegraphed move, but it was obvious she was tired.

Shaking her head at Akane's foolishness Shan Pu slipped past



foolishness, Shan



    "Akane cute when play warrior," Shan Pu easily



warrior." Shan



avoided Akane's wild swings, dancing away from her clumsy

kicks, "but no have time now. You come China, find many



kicks. "But



friends play with." She smiled invitingly, holding out another

length of rope. 



    Akane growled in fury and wrenching a hubcap from a



and, wrenching



    Neko-Shan-P'u was struggling frantically to free herself



Pu



    Neko-Shan-P'u mewed pitifully as a shining emerald



Pu



    "My baby has been murdered in her sleep!"



KASUMI: Oh, silly Father. You can't have babies. You're a male.



    "My baby, my baby," Souun fell on Akane's shoulder



baby."



    "Father saw the blood----



Need an end quote mark.

   

    "Oneesama, let me do that," Akane made as if to take



that."



the scrub brush from her sister, dragging Souun with her as she

moved.



    "It's no problem," Kasumi smiled up at her sister from



problem."



    "OK sis," Nabiki was knuckling sleep from her eyes.



"OK, Sis."



"you want to tell us what happened?" She ran a sardonic eye



"You



over Akane's bruised face and arms.



    "Ummmm, I . . .uhhhh . . .felt like going out. For some

fresh air. And . . .uhhhh . . .I fell. In the dark." Akane said with



dark," Akane



    "You're right Ranma,"



right,



    Shocked Ranma's eyes flew open to see Akane looking



Shocked,



    "oh my." Ranma watched the door close behind her,



"Oh



******************************************************



    Ranma was not having a good day. 



Urk again. :/



    "Please tell me where I may find _Her_ Saotome----

San-----"   Even in the grip of his obvious agitation the cross



agitation, the



dressing Ninja remained excruciatingly polite and correct.



cross-dressing is hyphenated, and don't capitalize ninja (it's not a

proper name)

     

    "Look Konatsu," Ranma back-peddled as the kimono



"Look, Konatsu."



clad boy tried, in a well mannered way, to remove his head



kimono-clad



>from his shoulders with a short sword. "I ain't gonna' let ya

bother Akane. For one thing," he rolled under a Flaming Comet



thing--" He



strike, coming up flat against Konatsu's chest, pinning the

slighter figure against the side of the school, "she ain't feelin'



school. "She



so good." Deftly he applied a joint lock, disarming the ninja. Of



Deftly, he



that weapon at least.



    An' if ya _did_ find her,  she'd chew ya up and spit ya

out, he thought, but didn't say.



Hasn't he thought of looking at Akane's home? Wotta maroon.



    "AAAAAAAAA!" Ranma fled to the swimming pool as

the gun-powder ignited.



gunpowder



    "She won't talk to me," Konatsu waited for Ranma-



me."



    "I can let you know where to find Akane," Konatsu



Akane."



turned to face the intruder, "for a mere five thousand yen. . . ."



intruder. "For



    "Hmmmm," Nabiki counted the money again, then



"Hmmmm."



stuffed it into her pocket. "Five thousand for information." She

smiled at Konatsu. It was the sort of toothy smile that was

usually the very last sight small fishies had of large sharks.

"Then there's the ten thousand yen for the shirt Ukyou sliced off

my sister," she tapped her palm again. "and another fifty



sister." She



again. "And



thousand for the doctors bill. For the injuries when Ukyou



doctor's



belted her with that spatula." Nabiki pulled an envelope from

an inside pocket. "The markings are _very_ distinct on the

police photos."



    "Police?" Konatsu said faintly.



KONATSU: In Nerima? Since when?



NABIKI: It's the new anti-martial artist squad.



    "Can and will," Nabiki was suddenly all business.



will."



    "Maaaan," Ranma pushed between them. "We ain't



"Maaaan."



gonna take nuthin' from nobody." He yanked the envelope from

Nabiki's hands. "I'm sorry Ukyou got hurt. But she _did_ go

lookin' for trouble." He crumpled the envelope and patted

Konatsu on the shoulder. "You tell Ukyou not to worry. Akane

ain't been feelin' good and she kinda . . .over reacted. But we

ain't goin' to the police or suein' nobody," he glared at Nabiki,



suin' nobody." He glared at Nabiki.



"or nuthin' like that. So you ain't gotta worry."



"Or



    "T . . .thank you Saotome-sama," Konatsu's eyes



you, Saotome-sama."



    "For what your sister did to my beloved Shan Pu," Mu

Si threatened a water fountain. "you and all your family will



fountain, "you



DIE!"



    "Hey man," Ranma landed softly behind the blind



"Hey, man."



magician, placing Nabiki safely to one side. "what's up?"



"What's



    "Do not interfere Saotome or you will feel my wrath!"



interfere, Saotome, or



    "You," Nabiki pounded futilely at the arm around her



"You--"



neck, "are,"fumbling a fountain pen from her pocket she



neck. "Are--" Fumbling



pocket, she



jammed it between Ranma-chan's fingers and pried,



pried.



"PATHETIC!" she wheezed, falling to her knees as she broke

free of Ranma's clutching hands. Divested of Nabiki's

protection Ranma searched frantically for his worst nightmare.



protection,



His wildly darting eyes finally found-----

    

    "A rat?" he took a step toward it, wrinkling his nose in



He



disgust. "A really ugly rat!" He picked the thing up by it's long



its



naked tail. "Boy, I thought for a minute I heard a

c . . .c . . .c . . ."



    "One of those things that aren't a rat? Nabiki put in



rat?"



    The "rat" sneered at Ranma and, walking over to a

stunned student, flipped a bowl of hot soup from her bentou

over it's head.



its



    Ranma, for once speechless, stared back at his "wife".

Involuntarily his eyes dropped lower. His bald-as-an-egg _all-

over_ " wife".



    "Eeeeep!"



PRINCIPAL: 'Ey, dis wahine's da new transfer student! She gotta get da

regulation haircut, yeah?



Overall impressions... the fight scenes seemed to drag, especially the

Akane/Shamps one, and they didn't seem to advance the story too much either in

terms of plot or (related) character development. You might want to take a bit

of your own advice and look for places to cut. As with the previous chapters,

the cast generally seems a shade nastier than in the manga.



One other thing that occurred to me after reading: it seems unlike Ranma to give

up so fast. Contrary to what he says here about not being able to deal with

things he can't punch, he's actually fairly resourceful when he puts his mind to

something. At the least, I'd expect him to make a visit to Akane's room via the

window.



I answer ALL my e-mail. If you ever write and don't get

an answer, it's a mistake. :(



I've posted responses on all the chapters so far. Let me know if you

didn't get any of them.



2) Due to an orgy of C&Cing I've got tendinitis

in my right arm. I'm packing it in ice but I'm going

to be a little slow until the inflamation goes down.

(Note to self>> Buy ergonimic key-board. ^_^)



Or a microphone and voice recognition software. Of course, that might

get a lot of the punctuation wrong, but... er... well.... ^_^



Anyhow, looking forward to the next release.





Gary Kleppe

http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html





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