Subject: [FFML] [partial C&C][fanfic/orig/Xmas...sorta] White Butterfly
From: Jamie and Bridget Wilde
Date: 12/14/2000, 1:37 PM
To: Rob Barba , ffml@fanfic.com

All comments are IMHO, and should be taken as such. It's been a while 

since I C&C'ed like this... I'm going to be extra-nitpicky because I 

know you can take it :) This just covers about the first third of the 

story; hopefully I'll get to do more later, but I've got things to do 

today, and it took me a couple hours just to get this far... :P



Rob Barba wrote:



White Butterfly

By Rob Barba

Characters (c) 2000 Robert R. Barba/Mitsukai Digital Design



The Past, on a cold Christmas day in December:



I dunno, maybe I'm being nitpicky, but your use of "the past" and "the 

present" as section intros doesn't work for me.  If you feel you have 

to indicate time, I'd recommend using dates - "December 25, 1982" for 

example.  One big reason for this is you have a flashback just a few 

paragraphs down, which really ended up confusing me as to time - 

everything is so vague that I can't really find my temporal footing.



    Hokosaki Hagane stood atop the Sony building in the Ginza, watching the

snowfall.  It was a beautiful day, where the city was drenched in a fine

blanket of snow, hiding the dirt of city life and showing the pristine white

that was all it ever could be.  It made the air tingle with promise, with

the brightness of the future that could only come through the hope of

humanity.



I like this opening paragraph. One of the good things about this story 

(and it shows up more later on) is that you have a really wonderful

sense 

of setting - the places in Tokyo are drawn very vividly, at least to my 

eyes.



    Too bad such a fate was never meant for him, he thought to himself with

tons of bitterness.  Today was Christmas, an originally foreign holiday that

 ^^^^^



This feels a bit too flippant for Hokosaki's serious mood.



meant many things to the Japanese.  To the aggregate, it was an imported

gift-giving holiday, a way to bide the snowy time with family and loved ones

and share Christmas coffee and Christmas cake together while passing out

gifts.  To foreigners and Japanese Christians like himself, it meant the

anniversary of the birth of the Son of God, He who had watched over the

world since that very day.

   And so close to birth was death, he thought to himself, the tears

rolling free of his ducts but freezing against his cheeks.  To the distant,

                     ^^^^^



Word choice again - this feels too clinical. "Eyes" would work better, 

IMO.



(snip, but thank you for not having him jump :))



   ((Who will be here for me?)) he asked himself, looking towards the gray

skies and pleading to God for some sort of answer.  Yet as the old saying

went, God works in mysterious ways, which usually meant that answers weren't

going to be forthcoming in the obvious manner - which was going to do him

scant comfort right now.



That last sentence strikes me as awkward.  I think you should change 

"works" to "worked" and cut off the second "which" phrase into another 

sentence, i.e. "Yet as the old saying went, God worked in mysterious 

ways - which usually meant that answers weren't going to be forthcoming 

in the obvious manner. That was going to do him scant comfort right

now."



 >   Reaching into his wallet, the tears coming more and more, he pulled

out

a slightly worn picture, one that was weathered through the best kind of

aging - that of love.  In it was he and a girl with a smile that could light

                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



This feels awkward to me.  First of all, grammatically it should be 

"were" - the subject is "he and the girl," plural. Secondly, the passive 

tense feels stilted.  Given that this is a highly emotional picture for 

him, I'd shift it into present tense, make it more immediate for both 

Hokosaki and the reader.



up the darkest night, a delicate yet sunny beauty with long dark hair and

expressive light brown eyes.

   Mashiro Shiori, the girl that was so complete in his life, she that was

everything to him.  Shiori, the person he'd grown up with and was destined

to grow old with.  Shiori, a woman he could not, for the life of him, live

without.  In an instant, tears blurred his face to the point of incoherency,                                                                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

....and speaking of incoherency... This threw me for a loop, because 

logically I can't see the connection between his face being blurred 

by tears, and incoherency.



So - is her name, Mashiro, supposed to be a wordplay on _masshiro_, 

pure/snow-white? I can't see you doing this unintentionally, so I'll 

simply say thank you for finding a name that has symbolic implications 

without being unwieldy or unrealistic. :)



and Hagane let out a low moan.  "Shiori...."

  Within his mind, the memories screamed at him, even as the

American-style holiday music wafted up to him from the buildings below:



I found this transition a bit clunky, partly because of the time-

problem I mentioned up at the top - here I am stuck in the past 

*somewhere* and now I'm traveling from that uncertain past into some 

memories even further back - but I don't know how far back. You 

mention down below that this was a few days ago - but I want that 

information *here* where it can do me some good.





     "Hagane-kun," Shiori teased him with a kiss, "my family's only going

to be gone for a couple of weeks, really!  Otosan and Okasan want to take us



Okay, Super-Japanese-Nitpick on! (1) If she were talking about her 

own family, she wouldn't use "otousan" and "okaasan," she would use 

"chichi" and "haha." "Otousan" and "okaasan" are used when speaking 

TO your own parents or ABOUT someone else's parents, but not when 

talking ABOUT your own parents. (2) Why not just use Mother and Father, 

perfectly good English translations of those Japanese words? 



(snip)

     "That's so chivalrous of you," she responded, the pride and love she

felt for him washing off like waves.  "Well, it's like the English saying

they taught us in class the other day: 'absence makes the heart grow

fonder.' 



Not to be grumpy (I know, too late...) but this feels very much like 

"I want to use an English saying, but since they're Japanese I have 

to mention where they learned it." Just say "Well, it's like they 

say,'absence...'" Or, if you feel you have to justify it, "like they 

say in America..."



I'll promise not to have too much fun without you if you promise

to miss me, okay?"  Without waiting for an answer, she laughed, wrapped her

arms around him and held him close, taking in the warmth of his body as she

said with words that took up every part of her soul.  "I love you, my

someday-to-be husband, my Hagane."



I like this a lot :)



So, he is a steel spearpoint.  She's a pure-white... bookmarker? That 

can't be it... :)



   The wind whipped across the rooftops, the chill factor splashing briskly

against his face but paling in comparison to the darkness that he felt in

the corner of his heart.  Yet still the specters of the past few days reared

their grisly features at him, taunting him with the cruel hands of fate.



Another awkward transition... I think you might be better off not 

transitioning back to "PastPresent Hokosaki", and just stay in the 

same past as you're already in. (Does that make sense?) Put in a 

sentence that shows the time passing between their conversation above, 

and the Miso Soup scene below.



     "Son," Hagane's mother said as she handed him a bowl, "will you take

this up to Asayake?  She hasn't eaten anything all day, and I hope the miso

will do her some good."  Within a day before the Mashiro family left on

their trip to Hokkaido, Shiori's sister came down with a bad case of the

flu.  Plans for the trip would have been cancelled, if Hagane's mother

hadn't offered to take care of Asayake while they were gone.  It worked out

well, as she adored him as though he were already the brother-in-law he was

going to be, and since she was only a couple of years younger than he and

Shiori, they treated her as an equal.



Again, I'd set the timeframe *before* jumping right into the Miso Soup 

(figuratively, of course)



     "Sure," he said, taking the tray from his mother.  Once up there, he'd

keep her company and-



    A high-pitched scream from upstairs made him drop the tray and race

towards the guest room, followed in short order by his mother and father.

Once in the room, they found a hysterical Asayake recoiling from the

television and sobbing, "No, no, it can't be true...."

    As his mother moved to console the girl, Hagane turned his attention

to the tube to see what was the matter.  Once he did, his own world

descended into the deepest pits of hell.  Onscreen a dour newscaster



Okay, this is maybe a bit too melodramatic in the wording. His world 

has been destroyed, it is very true, but "descended into the deepest 

pits of hell" reduces my sympathy factor dramatically because it's 

something of a cliche' phrase. Give us a more personal, visceral 

reaction. Describe how he feels physically (as strong emotions do tend 

to cause physical reactions) and get us closer to his grief, instead 

of relying on catchphrases.



pronounced doom on the lives of two young people.  "...again, our top story

is that JAS Flight 1021 has crashed in the Tsugaru strait enroute to

Sapporo.  JASDF and USAF navigation radar from Misawa indicate that the

plane, a DC-10, crashed into the sea around ninety minutes ago.  At this

time it is believed that there are no survivors, though a spokesman from the

National Maritime Safety Agency stated that search teams will be operating

around the clock...."



Since he is looking at the screen, I'd also like some description of 

what he is seeing - did they get a picture? If they didn't, are they 

showing any images (most broadcasting networks have "stock images" they 

stick up in the corner of the screen when they don't have an actual 

picture.)





   Tears, what few warm ones there were that managed to splash against the

picture of him and Shiori, held fast, reminding him of the hollow, empty

future that lay ahead.  This was supposed to be a time of joy, of laughter



Again, the transition is fuzzy. Get us back on top of the Sony Building 

before you start talking about his tears, because I started that 

sentence thinking he was crying whilst watching the TV broadcast, and 

was jolted when the picture was mentioned.



and love, a period to spend with one's family and friends.  Instead, he'd

spent the day at a funeral, seeing the urns that held his beloved Shiori and

her parents placed in the family spots in the temple columbine near their

home.  His own family was sick with grief, with none of the holiday cheer

that was normally there.  But that wasn't the worst part.

   Hagane forced himself to wipe the tears from his eyes, put the picture

away and focus his attention on the other person that was up here with him.



Whoa.... Maybe you should mention this a little bit earlier, because 

again this has thrown my imagination of the scene out of whack. 



She too stared into the uncaring sky that overlooked Tokyo, the cartoonishly

festive glitter on the streets below seemingly sucked dry by the eternal

expanse of the gray horizon.  



Awesome sentence!



There was a fragile beauty in her face,

features that resembled, though not perfectly, Shiori's.  In her, there was

so much promise, so much that echoed the lives of the Mashiro family in the

wounded vessel that was Mashiro Asayake.



That sentence is a bit convoluted in structure. "In her, there was so 

much, so much in the wounded vessel..." I'd suggest dumping the first 

"in her": "There was so much promise, so much that echoed the lives of 

the Mashiro family in the wounded vessel that was Mashiro Asayake." 

You could probably do better, but that's a start.



  As much as his heart screamed, the pain she felt was a thousand times

worse.  While he had lost his girlfriend, *she'd* lost her entire family and

was now alone in the world.  "Asayake," he whispered silently, feeling true

empathy for the girl.

   She turned and looked at him with baleful eyes, windows to the soul that

seemed to scream how much she wanted to die and reunite with her family.  He

shuddered, knowing those thoughts were his only a few minutes ago.

                                   ^^^^ had been



Unconsciously she took a step back towards the railing, her body already in

motion.

   "No!" he cried, leaping towards her, fearing the worst.  Taking her in

his arms, held her fast, refusing to let the last link he had to Shiori slip

>from his hands.  "You're not alone, Asayake.  You're not alone.  We'll make

it through this together, I promise."



I'd recommend saving the "you're not alone" speech for *after* she 

says she's so alone; what he says here should be a direct response to 

her actions, not an anticipation of what she's going to say.



   "I don't have anyone!" she sobbed, burying her face in his jacket.  "I'm

so alone."

  "You're not alone.  You have me and my family."  As he said this, he knew

it was a lie.  Not the part about his vows; of course his family would take

her in, and he would be there for her in every way he could.  But she was

right: she was alone in the world now, the last of her clan.

   In many ways, he was the same way.  The one true love of his life was

gone, and something elementally within him knew that he could never love

again.  It wasn't simple exaggeration, but the honest and complete truth.

((This I vow, my truest love.  Wait for me in heaven and I will meet you

there in time.  I must stay here for the sake of your sister, but I will

never have another.



   ((I will never love again....))



}|{



The Present, on a cold December eve a week shy of Christmas:



Again, give us a date, or fix this with a text description that sets 

us in the present.



   "And so Hideoshi tried as usual to charm me - you'd think by now that

he'd realize that hitting on his teacher is a no-no, even if he's only a few

years younger than me.  You know, sometimes I think teaching high school

students after just barely getting my degree was a really dumb idea and-"

She stopped in mid-speech, then pointed an accusing fork at him. "Hey, are

 ^^^^  



I'd like to have a clearer idea who this "she" is.  True, the last 

woman mentioned in this story was Asayake - but that was in The Past. 

Use her name here.





you listening to a single thing I'm saying?"

   Hagane looked up from his dinner plate, feigning grand interest in the

fettuccine.  "Oh, yeah, student being a prick.  Yeah, Asa-chan, I caught

that."  He looked up at her and smiled wearily, the rumpled look in his eyes

            ^^^^^^^^^

But he just looked up two lines ago...



appearing to be that of exhaustion.  "I'm sorry, I've just been working on

this new project, and trying to figure out some of the PERL and CGI coding

is really knocking me for a loop, *especially* the parts where I have to

program in English."  He grinned at her.  "You know, you shouldn't complain.

Your job is far more exciting than mine, and makes an impact on the world -

all I am is just a webmaster for Beats! Records."

   Asayake rolled her eyes, displaying mild annoyance.  "I've told you a

million times, you're *wasting* your art design degree!  You should have

opened your own design studio and went freelance, not work for some

                                   ^^^^ gone       ^^^^^^^ instead of

working



heartless corporation!  You could write your own ticket that way, do

whatever you want!  You oughta quit and start your own business!"  In mock



Not to nitpick further, but this sounds like the last thing a Japanese 

wife would say - heartless corporations? quitting? going freelance? 

These may be popular ideas in America, but they are way contrary to the 

mainstream in Japan.



I'm not saying that Asayake can't think and say all of these things - 

but if she does, then it says a lot about her character that hasn't 

even been hinted at before, so if you want her to be a rebel in Japan, 

I'd like to see some signs of it earlier.



...And now that I think of it, are they even married? Or are they just 

on a date? Inquiring minds want to know! Because I was assuming they 

were married, but when I got down further I thought they probably 

weren't...



anger, she shoveled a forkful of risotto in her mouth, giving him a dark



Risotto *and* fettuccine, in the same meal? My aren't we... trendy. :)



glare.  This was an old conversation that the two had, certainly not the

first time.

   "Yeah, I know," he moaned gently, having heard this argument from her -

and several others - before.  "It's just...well...."  Another fork went

straight into the mouth, forestalling any further debate on the subject.

   She smiled at him kindly.  "Yeah, I know.  I don't understand, but I

know."



This scene I found a little confusing.  I can't tell if they're both 

kidding, or if she's a nagging wife and he's a henpecked husband, or 

if one is kidding and the other isn't... I need it to be narrowed 

down a bit more.





   As dinner continued, silence reigned between the two, both taking time

to either look at the glittering jewels of the Shinjuku skyline, or at each

other.  Time had been kind to both, and it clearly showed.  Over the course

of the past ten years, Hagane had filled out and matured, going from an



Again, put this time reference earlier, so that we can find our feet.



earnest and handsome teen to a striking young man who seemed to exude a

natural ease, so much though that people thought him to have, as the old

saying went, the ease of the Buddha.  In truth, though, he was far more

different than those who knew him to be, and those who knew him well tore

their hair out over this fact.

   However, it was Asayake that had truly changed.  When she'd come fully

into their lives, she'd been nothing but a coltish, gangly girl, her body

just adjusting to the changes that came with puberty.  Over the course of

the passing decade, she became a beautiful young woman, a smart, vivacious

and cheerful person who'd become the pride of both her deceased and foster



How can she be the pride of her deceased family? Have they been 

holding seances to find out? If you want her to be doing both families 

proud, I'd recommend wording this a bit differently.



families.  She had grown to love the Hokosaki family as she did her own, and

in many respects she was now the daughter they'd never had.  She also kept

close tabs on Hagane, as though she was doing it in Shiori's memory.



Okay, so they're not married. Try to establish this a bit earlier, 

because the beginning of their dinner reads like they are uncomfortably 

married.



   "You know," she pointed out, "I was talking to Kenshin on the phone, and

according to him he's thrilled that the whole family's going to be home for

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I don't think you need this...



Christmas.  I don't think we visit enough, you know."  Unusual for Japanese

families, both Hagane and Asayake moved out into their own apartments when

 ^^^^^^^ 



 Since they aren't "families" themselves, you might want to rephrase 

this - "unusual for young Japanese" or something like that.



(snip)

   Without even glancing at her watch, she chirped, "Sure!  I've got a

couple of hours before I have to catch the last train back.  Lead the way."

As both rose from the table, she looked again into the Shinjuku skyline and

the section of Tokyo, lightly covered with the falling snow.



That last sentence feels like it should have some emotions associated 

with it - maybe the expression Hokosaki sees on her face, or something 

to make it more than just a pointless action. Otherwise, why mention 

it?





}|{



You should probably standardize your scene breaks - sometimes you use 

an extra space, sometimes this little doohicky - and there doesn't 

seem to be any pattern to which is used where.



   A short time later, the pair walked amongst the tastefully decorated

grounds of the Shinjuku Imperial Botanical Gardens, the festive displays of

the park now being sheathed in a light spatter of snow.  All around,



Now, here you could probably skip straight to the description... "The 

festive displays of the Shinjuku Imperial Botanical Gardens were now 

sheathed in a light spatter of snow." The fact that they are going to 

be walking here was established at the end of the last scene, so you 

don't need to say it again necessarily.



children were building snowmen and playing at snow fights while their

parents watched with joy; a few other sorts were either walking or taking

                                                                     

^^^^

Not a good word choice, I'd say. "Sorts" has kind of that "otaku" 

implication - and not the anime style, either, kind of a "THOSE sorts 

of people feel." You could probably just say "a few others"



Very good sense of place, BTW. Great details about the park, though I'd 

like to know what the "festive displays" are - lights? topiaries? 

kicklines?



pictures, all enmeshed in the dance of life that was usually to be found

here.

   As they walked down one of the pebble-laden footpaths, the two of them

felt very at ease with one another.  Perhaps it was because they'd spent the

last decade or so in a foster-sibling relationship, or maybe it was because

they'd known each other for so long.  In any case, they got along so well

that quite a few people who knew them remarked every so often that they

would make a good couple; something that he would laugh gently about and

correct them; he was long since off the dating market.



This is a comment on this entire scene, not just this paragraph... I 

would feel more involved in the scene if you were to focus on the point 

of view of one of the two of them - preferably Hokosaki, since he's the 

clueless one, and we see a bit more closely into his thoughts below. 

You are wavering somewhat in whose thoughts we see, and how close we 

see them...



   She rested her head against his arm, closing her eyes and just being

glad to be there.  She'd often remarked that they didn't spend enough time

together, even though the demands of her job required her to be busy with

her academic discipline on a regular basis.  "You know, I was thinking," she

began, her words crisp and precise, as though she were reciting something

that she'd intended to say for quite some time.



This paragraph, for example. We are close to her thoughts in the first 

sentence, knowing that she is glad to be there. The second sentence is 

neutral. But then she recites her words "as if she were reciting 

something that she'd intended to say for quite some time."  If we're 

close enough to her thoughts to know that  she's glad to be there, we 

should be close enough to know whether or not she has intended to say 

this for a long time - but instead the narration has gotten distant.



   "Hrm?  Didja say something?" he asked, drawn out of whatever reverie

that his mind currently was in.  Instead, he found her looking at him in an

unusual way, one that he'd never seen on her face before.  Concerned, he

asked, "Hey, you okay?"



And then this paragraph. "Whatever reverie" distances us from his 

thoughts, but then in the next sentence we are much closer, getting 

his internal view of the expression on her face. We need to keep 

constant, or we poor readers get all confused...



   "I'm fine.  I'm better than I've been in a while."  Turning away from

him slightly, she looked up and asked, "This is mistletoe, isn't it?  How

beautiful.  What an amazing thing for them to plant mistletoe here."

   He looked at the plant, with something on his mind.  He'd heard

something about it once, but he couldn't remember off the top of his head

what it was exactly.  "I could swear I heard something about this plant

before, but I don't remember what it was," he announced, his mind already

thinking about it.



"His mind already thinking about it" sounds very awkward to me. Maybe 

"his mind digging for the answer" or just "thinking rapidly" or some 

such.



   "Well, I heard that there's an old Western legend which says-" she

began, but was immediately cut off by his next words.

   Snapping his fingers in triumph, he smiled.  "Aaa!  Thanks for reminding

me.  The druids of England believed it to be a powerful medicine, and a

symbol of peacemaking, like the rose is an ancient symbol of secrecy.  Kind

of odd, considering the plant's a parasite, like fungus."

   "No, silly!" she exclaimed, appearing to be agitated by his words.  "I

didn't mean *that* legend!  I meant the *other* one - you know, where two

people who-"



Uh-oh.... I sense complications ahead :)





   "Hey!  Asayake!  Hagane!  What a surprise meeting you two here!" someone

called out just from the distance, as a pair of figures waved from over by

the man-made lake.

   Hagane waved to his friends, beckoning for them to come over.  "Hey,

Hikome!  Aoi!  Fancy meeting you two here!  I'd thought you two would be at

your family's place or hers or something."  Hagane and Asayake stood waiting



I'd move the first sentence ("Hagane waved...") to after he calls out 

to them - the transition from "pair of figures" to "friends" to their 

names feels awkward to me.



while the duo walked up to catch up.  Hagane and Hikome were close friends

                                                         ^^^^ had been



(snip)

   Aoi immediately noticed the other woman, sensing that they'd interrupted

something.  "Oh, I'm sorry, I hadn't noticed that you had a date.  Our

apologies."

   "Oh, it's not a date, it's just me an' Asa-chan going out for our weekly

dinner together."  Somehow, he suddenly realized that might have been taken

the wrong way.

   However it sounded, Asayake took it in stride.  Sort of.  "Nice seeing

you two on such a beautifully snowy and romantically moonlit night."  The

subtlety couldn't have been done better if it was delivered with a

sledgehammer.

   Hikome looked around at the spectacular scenery of the park.  "Actually,

I think we were looking more into the etherealness of the place than-"  He

was nudged in the ribs softly by Aoi and immediately shut up.

   Fortunately, Hikome's wife wasn't as dense.  "Yes, now that you mention

it, it *is* a romantic night.  Well, my husband and I were just about to be

going," she added with another gentle nudge to his ribs.  "When you get a

chance, we'd love to have you two over for dinner sometime.  We'll see you

later, and it was nice seeing you two again."  As fast as they could, the

pair beat a hasty retreat back to the koi pond.



This is really cute - but again, a little awkward in POV - you have 

Hokosaki realizing something, then a comment on Asayake's sledgehammer 

subtlety (from whose POV? The author's?), but Hikome doesn't get it. Aoi 

nudges him in the ribs, but AFTER that you say "Hikome's wife wasn't 

as dense"...



And wouldn't Aoi know Asayake, at least in passing? She doesn't seem to

recognize her at the beginning, but at the end she says "nice seeing 

you two again..." ...I'm confused.





   Finding it odd that his friends had to leave so abruptly, Hagane

wondered aloud, "Hrm.  I hope we didn't mess up a romantic night for them."



...and Hokosaki doesn't get it. Seriously, I think you need to focus 

on H's POV, have him observing the conversation but not "getting it," 

and implying A's real motivations just through words and actions.



(rest of scene snipped so I can try and keep this C&C shorter than the 

fic itself - but my comments still apply regarding POV!)

}|{



   Aboard the train on the way back to her home, there was nothing but the

simple sounds of her discman playing her favorite sort of music, drowning

out the steady thrum of the train racing down the tracks.  Some might say

that the sort of music she listened to, not the typical JPop that most of

her friends listened to, but ethnic music from other nations, was probably

worse than the thrum of the tracks and the cacophony of the crowds.  But the

music was a reminder of her past, an enthusiasm that she'd inherited from

her sister, as Shiori had also been a fan of what was termed "world music."



Yes, I know this is Asayake - but I'd like the scene to start out with 

her name somewhere anyhow, the previous scene doesn't really carry 

forward into this one as well without it.



   ((And that's just the problem,)) Asayake thought, her thumb tabbing the

control pad over to the next song.  ((As much as I love and miss my sister,

she's exactly the problem.))  Asayake tried not to look forlorn, but what

could she do?  It was a hard thing to admit - that she was in love with a

man that was not only her sister's last boyfriend, but also for the last ten

years had been her foster brother.  She wasn't sure when she fell in love

                                                              ^^^ had

fallen



with him, only that to her, he'd come to symbolize the ideal boyfriend, the

sort of guy who was loyal, loving and faithful...even when the object of

that affection had long since passed from the earth.

   Part of her felt dirty for it.  Did she have a right to chase after

Hagane?  Did he even feel the same about her, or did he look at her like a

kid sister, the ever-present reminder of his love for Shiori?  If tonight's

comments to Hikome and Aoi were anything, combined with his disinterest in

the kissing legend of the mistletoe, clearly that's how he saw her.  He

might never see her as she wanted him to: a woman in her own right, one that

would gladly spend the rest of her life with him if only she could get him

past her "rival".

   That, she knew, was the truly unfair part.  Bad enough her "opponent"

was her older sister, a girl that he loved, even ten years past her untimely

demise.  But it was worse that even if it hadn't been her sister that she

was up against, she was up against a powerful memory and a man who kept

faith with those cherished recollections; that gave her nothing to fight

against, no leverage whatsoever.



I can see what you're trying to say here, but I'm still getting lost. 

Try and clarify this part into its salient points: (1) her opponent is 

her older sister, (2) he still loves her, and (3) she's dead, and she 

can't fight against that. 



   ((Neechan, I wish I could get your advice, though I'm not sure if you

would give it to me,)) she mused, playing the last song over again, a

Mexican mariachi song that was one of her sister's favorites.  ((Would you

                            ^^^

Ah, those seances again. "Had been," if you please.





hate me for how I feel about him?  Could you ever forgive me for how I want

him so much, how I so very much want to be the one he loves?))  But Asayake

knew there'd be no answer from Shiori, no sign of yea or nay.  So the

silence continued, and so did the music pouring through the headphones into

Asayake's ears, one of the few things that she had left of her sister...

   ...other than the man she loved, a man she wasn't sure if she could ever

have, for the simple reason of her sister's legacy.



Overall, a really good scene. This was a good example of what I was 

trying to get at in the previous scene - a good, focused point of view, 

in which a constant distance to the character's thoughts is maintained.



}|{



(snippage of new scene's beginning - no problems)

   He was seeing her in a new light, and he wasn't sure if that light was a

good thing.  She'd changed over the years into a beautiful young woman with

traces of Shiori that he could see in her, but also her own self.  It was a

good thing that he'd remembered the stuff about mistletoe from his college

days, or else he might have done something inappropriate - and that would

have likely damaged their friendship beyond repair.



Uh... so he *did* know what was going on? Or did he not know what she

was up to, but had come up with his own feelings? None of this was 

clear in the scene in the park, or even appeared possible. Make it so.



(snip)

   It made no sense.  He was beginning to fall for her, and that was a

no-no on several levels.  For one, how could he betray all that he felt for

 ^^^^^



Again, too flippant for the situation. 



Shiori?  Though she was dead these past ten years, he made a vow, a promise

                     ^^^ had been                     ^^^^^ had made



that he would see no other; it was a promise that he'd kept, much to the

dismay of many a female friend of his.  But that vow was important to him,

and for him to abandon it would be, in his mind, criminal.

   Secondly, the person to abandon it for was Shiori's little sister?  What

kind of person would do such a thing?  There was something clearly wrong

there, and it had everything to do with the fact that the girl he fondly

called Asa-chan was the younger sister of the girl he'd loved for so long -

and to make matters worse, Asayake had spent the last ten years practically

as *his own* sister!  She was very much the daughter that his parents never

had, and even his little brother Kenshin always referred to her as

"Asa-nesan", older sister.



This paragraph seems a bit redundant in the way it's worded. "Secondly, 

to abandon his vow for her little sister? There was something wrong 

there, because that girl was her little sister..." I started hearing 

it in a Mojo-Jojo voice. Really.



   Lastly, how did she feel about him?  With his luck, she probably thought

of him as an older brother, and for him to betray that trust that they'd had

since the beginning....  He didn't even want to think of the fallout from

that; it hurt too much.



Boy, he really is clueless...



   ((And yet...and yet, whenever I look at her,)) he thought, his mind

floating back to the original section of though, ((all I see is a beautiful

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



okaaaaay.... How about "returning to his original thought"? This is a 

little too surreal for me :)



woman that I dream about, a person that I love being around.))  Hikome told

                                                                      

^had

him once that marriage to the perfect person was the best thing that could

ever happen, and Hagane found himself idly wondering more and more if the

girl he'd grown up with might fit that bill.



This scene sounds like a bit more than "idle wondering." More like 

"agonizing!"





   Continuing down the pathway towards the end of the park and the building

on the corner that housed the Yokohama Doll Museum, there was a blur of

white that seemed to be just slightly out of place with the rest of the

snowy landscape.  Sitting on a dark rock sculpture was, of all things, a

butterfly.  It wasn't a very big one, probably about the size of a 500-yen

piece.  But it was awestrikingly beautiful, if at the very least because of

                    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is this a word?





its coloring: mostly snowy white, with its wings rimmed with a brilliant red

and two matching spots of the same hue on its upper wings, as though it were

imitating the national flag.

   As he watched it flutter its wings once, he wondered why it was here:

chrysalises slept through the winter, never hatching until spring; that was

clearly months off.  Additionally, how it was still alive in this slightly

uncomfortable (even by human standards) weather was incomprehensible.  But

regardless of how the butterfly hatched, it was likely to die soon anyway;

even if there were some sort of nourishment around for it (which there

wasn't), butterflies had life spans only long enough to procreate and that

was it.

   Still, there was something bothering him about the whole thing, and it

was simply that another beautiful thing was destined to die around the

holiday season.  That was something he couldn't abide; if there was one

tenet of life that he tried to enforce as much as possible, it was that

nothing was going to die on the holiday season due to his indifference or

negligence.  



...but when it's not the holiday season, things can die all they want? 

This whole thing reads rather awkwardly.  Try to pare down this scene 

with the butterfly - don't get so caught up in his tenets of life and 

his pet cat and all of that, but focus on that butterfly. <He sees the 

butterfly and is struck by its beauty. Where could it have come from? 

Wherever it came from, it was likely to die soon.  He couldn't bear to 

see something beautiful die, not on the holiday season...>





In fact, his pet cat, Noel, was the direct result of such

intervention when he found her as a kitten, rummaging around in a trash bin

not far from his home.  Maybe the butterfly would die soon enough, but he

wasn't going to allow it to die while he was around.  Maybe it was stupid of

him to be worrying about something so small, but...Shiori would have done

something, and that was reason enough for him.

   Looking into a trashbin over by the rock, he found, oddly enough, a

discarded thermos, a bit beat up, but hopefully large enough to accommodate

a resident.  As he popped off the top, intending to peer inside and see the

condition of it, without any sort of fanfare, the butterfly lifted off the

dark rock, took to the air, then flitted without ceremony straight into the

thermos, where it remained as he loosely closed the lid again and tucked the

cylinder into the inner pocket of his coat.  Even if he had the container,

he hadn't given a single thought of how he was going to get the insect in

there.

   ((Well, that problem's solved at least,)) he thought to himself as he

continued home, his rescuee snug in its temporary traveling bin.



This is obviously a magical scene - but somehow it doesn't read that 

way. I'd like to feel the magic in the way you phrase things, know by 

more than just the facts of the situation that Something Is Different.



My email character limit is met, so will comment on more later. Keep

writing!



Bridget 





-- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Come and visit the fanfics and food of * * Bridget and Jamie Wilde! * * http://www.gci-net.com/users/w/wildeman/ * * =^_^= Want Catgirls? =^_^= * * http://www.bewildered-art.com/catgirls/index.html * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
-- .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---. | Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'