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----- Original Message -----
From: "Allyn Yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Tuesday, December 12, 2000 2:49 AM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma]Bedlam Fire Chapter 3
<Snippage>
"What did you do with Ran-chan?" Kuonji Ukyou
dropped from a tree to land on the path in front of Akane,
swinging her uber-spatula into guard position. This was the
fifth park she'd been to in three hours. She was hot . . . tired,
and the lunch-time crowd that was Okonomiyaki Ucchan's
mainstay was long gone. _That_ girl was not only after her
fiance, she was eating into her restaurant's profits.
Ah, Ukyo's very own special brand of obsessiveness... (Y'know, you're
gonna tick off a few Ukyo Churchies with this characterization, accurate
though it may be. It's a good thing this Akane's so nutso herself. I like
parity of insanity.)
"You ought to put something on that bruise." Akane
said briefly, glancing at San Pu's attempt to print a map of
##San Pu? I assume this is a typo, and you meant to use Shan Pu. (That
is, unless you've decided to start a whole new romanization scheme...)
Qinghai province on Ukyou's face--with her fist. She could
smell Kashiwa-mochi cooking. She loved the sweet-bean and
rice-cake confection wrapped in an oak leaf. Her father had
always bought it for her, even though it was a traditional treat
for Boy's Festival. If Ranma found out, he would tease her
about being such a tomboy.
##These little "culture notes" are a hallmark of your fics, and they're
definitely informative, BUT... I'm not sure whether this scene really needs
'em. It just seems to be tacked on here as padding. Of course, if you plan
to make Kashiwa-mochi a plot device, ignore my comments above.
"Listen you," Ukou flushed angrily, making the bruises
stand out in horrid contrast. "I know you did something to my
Ran-chan. Ranma honey wouldn't have cut class unless you
did something to him!"
##Umm, Ukyo? We are talking about Ranma SAOTOME, right? (This is a
little bloody-minded, even for Ukyo)
Akane stopped in mid-step, putting her foot down with
exquisite care before turning to face the androgynously
dressed okonomiyaki cook.
"_Your_ Ran-chan?" Her head began to throb and she
could feel a muscle jumping beneath her left eye. Streamers of
green fire nearly invisible to the human eye began to crawl
through the air toward the pony-tailed girl.
Ukyou purpled at Akane's carefully neutral tone and
took a heavy step forward, her giant cooking tool slicing the
air with an aggressive swing that swirled plum blossoms
through the air.
"_Your_ Ranma-honey" Akane continued, "would cut
class if the sky turned blue or someone told him rain was
wet." Akane's mouth twisted slightly. "You don't know him at
all, do you?" She shook her head dismissively, then winced at
the pain the movement caused. Maybe some ume-kuba-cha
would help. She'd always had a taste for roasted-barley tea,
and the slightly sour taste of plums reminded her of when she
used to come to this park with her mother and sisters. She
turned her back and walked away, trying to follow her nose to
the food vendor.
##Again with the cultural notes. Once again, informative (and
appetizing- if I should ever get the chance, they sound worth trying) but
they seem out of place. I guess maybe you're trying to show Akane's
distractedness here? Like she can't focus due to the Green Flame's
influence? If that's the case, maybe just mention the names of the foods
she's thinking of, rather than describing them.
You may lose readers briefly, but what it seems like now is a case of
"Rod 'n Don" ing. Y'know...
"Gee Rod, that ume-kuba-cha, a delightful Japanese tea made with roasted
barley, sure smells good!"
"You're right Don, it does. It tastes great with this kashiwa-mochi, an
exotic rice and oak-leaf dish."
"Say Rod, isn't kashiwa-mochi a traditional holiday dish?"
"That's right, Don. It's eaten at Boy's Festival, a Japanese celebration
of manhood, where there is much grunting and buying of power tools..."
I exagerrate, but do you see what I mean?
"Why you----"
Akane didn't need the warning of Ukyou's angry shout.
The sudden surge of her battle aura brought Akane around in
time to block the hasty swing of the big pole-arm.
Recovering somewhat from her initial surge of anger Ukyou
took a more solid stance before starting her attack."Don't you
make fun of my engagement!" She made a probing thrust,
gauging carefully Akane's defenses. "Genma promised
marriage. He stole my dowry. He stole my honor. He stole my
_womanhood_!"
##If this is a post-vol.38 story, Ukyo seems a little _too_ bitter for
the time period. Maybe the Flame is affecting those around Akane as well,
making them angrier and more aggressive than usual? It's just that, while
Ukyo certainly must _think_ about these things a fair amount, using them as
a basis to attack akane out of the blue like this seems slightly out of
character. Even Shampers and Kodachi generally need something to set them
off before they go bananas...
Green fire crawled across her skin, burrowing deep,
like an unseen army of insects, pricking her with thousands of
tiny bites that drove her mad.
"Then take it out of _Genma's_ hide." Akane snapped,
slapping the business end of the spatula aside while sliding
away from Ukyou's advance. "Take Genma's _hide_ for all I
care. Sell him to a zoo or make panda okonomiyaki. Just leave
me out of it!" Yelling was a mistake. Her stomach roiled with
sudden nausea and the pain in her head was blinding.
"You can't have my Ran-chan!" Ukyou snarled, making
a basic Kesa cut, spatula blade moving diagonally from
Akane's left collar bone to her right hip.
If they'd had any attention to spare, they might almost
have seen the web of green fire that tangled and twisted them
both.
Akane yelped as her blouse parted beneath the razor
sharp blade. "HEY! This was," she fingered the torn material,
"a really ugly shirt. I wonder why I ever bought it?" She tried
to joke.
She was too sick to want a fight right now. Clamping
her jaws tightly, she pressed her eyes shut against the pain in
her head. "That's probably the only reason it's not in Nabiki's
closet." Maybe if she stayed perfectly still, it wouldn't hurt as
much.
"I'm going to teach you to steal another woman's
fiance!" Ukyou began the deep belly breathing that initiated the
special attack of her school---- "Dance of the Tengu!"
"Eeeeep!" Akane spun out of the way, trying to put
some distance between herself and the whirling dervish of
steel that Ukyou unleashed. Sudden fright drove the nausea
away, but the pounding in her head was worse.
"Would you cut that out before you hurt someone!"
Akane did a split that dropped her below a double handed cut,
then rolled out of the way of a reverse spear strike."Ahhhh,"
she rubbed her head where the haft of the spatula had grazed
her temple and her palm came away bloody.
"You've been leading Ranma around on a leash,"
Ukyou snarled, "making him do stuff that he doesn't want to
do. It's going to stop now!" With a ritualistic flourish, Ukyou
dropped into an offensive stance, spatula held at high middle
guard position.
##Ah, the current grievance at last. Considering that the only way the
attempted wedding could fit into Ukyo's worldview would be if Ranma was
being coerced, this makes sense. Of course, that still leaves us with the
question of "why now?"
"You don't _lead_ Ranma anywhere." Akane wiped
the blood off on the grass and stood up. "You just hang on and
hope you survive the ride." She pressed her hands to her
throbbing temples. Her head was getting worse. Tears of pain
leaked from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks. "I really
don't feel good right now. If you want to talk to Ranma, he's
probably at home."
The web tightened, drawing them together, burning and
crushing.
"He's _not_ home!" Ukyou screamed, charging Akane.
"He's never going to be _home_ until he's with me!" Akane
brought her hands up to block a cut at her head. Reversing
instantly, Ukyou slammed the butt end of her spatula into
Akane's unprotected belly, emptying her lungs with an
explosive burst of air. Dispassionately, Ukyou watched Akane
drop to her knees, gasping for breath. "I spent ten years of my
life trying to regain my honor, and nothing's going to stop me."
She tilted Akane's head up with the tip of her spatula. "You
can't win. I'm a better fighter, a better cook. I'm a better
woman. Cuter too." She smiled sympathetically. "Kuno likes
you and he's rich. Or maybe Ryouga. I don't want to hurt you,
so just give up on Ran-chan."
Something snapped."That's really nice of you!" Akane
felt as if the pain had exploded her brains out the top of her
skull, leaving it empty and cold. Her fist moved in a blur, and
Ukyou was left staring stupidly at the headless shaft of her
battle spatula. "But you see . . ." Akane got slowly to her feet,
"I _want_ to hurt you."
Emerald flame roared with silent thunder, washing
them in flame, like moths in a furnace.
Ukyou brought the steel shaft up in guard position in a
reflexive motion. "I don't know how you did that, but----"
Akane's fist blurred again, and the steel shaft of
Ukyou's headless spatula parted soundlessly like a rotten
stick. Nothing daunted, Ukyou struck out using the broken
pieces as if she were fighting with han-bo.
Unimpressed with Ukyou's short-staff technique,
Akane stepped inside her strike, parrying Ukyou's right hand
with her left and grabbing Ukyou's left hand in an Eagle-Claw
grip. Ukyou gasped in pain as Akane's grip tightened, and the
broken section of spatula dropped from her nerveless fingers.
Almost casually, Akane caught Ukyou's right hand as the
okonomiyaki genius took a wild swipe at her head. Holding
Ukyou's hand motionless as if she were a child, Akane
plucked the remaining piece of spatula from her fingers and
examined it critically. Wrinkling her nose in disdain, she
dropped it to the ground and stepped back, watching as Ukyou
tried to shake feeling back into her hands.
"You're not very good without that spatula, are you?"
Stepping forward, her right hand drove a Raking-Tiger-Claw
into Ukyou's chin, snapping her head back, then ripping down
her face, tearing bloody furrows from forehead to neck.
Reeling with shock and blinded by blood flowing into
her eyes, Ukyou snatched at the bandoleer across her chest.
Seemingly oblivious, Akane casually moved away, allowing
Ukyou to fumble a brace of mini-spatulas into each hand. She
even allowed Ukyou to wipe the blood from her eyes, merely
standing and watching as Ukyou launched the steel missiles
and grabbed another double brace.
Ukyou had just cocked her arm for a second throw
when the first flight of blades flashed with fat green sparks and
dropped out of the air in front of Akane. Shaking off her
amazement, Ukyou reflexively launched the second set of
blades and reached a third time for her bandoleer.
"That's enough of that." Akane's hand clamped down
on Ukyou's arm as she reached for her last mini-spatulas.
Impossible! It was impossible. Akane couldn't be that
fast. No one could----
Akane ripped the bandoleer free, tossing it aside.
Ukyou slammed a hard right into Akane's stomach, and
her arm went numb to the shoulder. It was like hitting steel, not
like flesh at all.
"I could kill you . . ." Akane _lifted_ the taller girl free
of the ground, holding her at arm's length until her toes
dangled inches above the path. ". . . but I'm not." Ukyou had a
brief sensation of free fall as she flew through the air. A fire-
burst blossomed in her head as she slammed into a tree and
slid, half stunned, to the ground. Groggily, she looked up at the
dim, shadowy shape that loomed suddenly over her. Almost
she imagined she could see another figure behind her, a
monster of emerald flame that reached for her with fiery
talons.
"I'm not going to kill you," the horribly conversational
voice said to Ukyou. "but I am going to hurt you." A hand,
impossibly strong, yanked her to her feet so fast she could feel
her brain slam against the inside of her skull, stunning her
again. Cool air spilled over her chest and back as her jacket
and shirt were ripped away. Feebly, she reached out and
grabbed Akane's arms to stop her. Akane didn't even seem to
notice and continued to strip the bigger girl, tossing her
trousers and shoes into the azaleas lining the path.
"You must have thought the 'Tunnel of Lost Love' was
pretty funny?" Akane asked. "And when I was possessed by
that Demon Doll?" Ukyou hung limply as Akane held her by
the throat. "And throwing bombs at my wedding? I bet you
thought that was hilarious!" Ukyou cried out as Akane
viciously twisted her nipple. "DIDN'T YOU!"
##Ouch. The flame is quite the sadist, eh? Nasty.
"NO! NO!" Ukyou screamed, not knowing if she was
answering Akane's question or begging her to stop. Akane
didn't seem to care which.
"No?" She rammed two fingers under Ukyou's sternum
hard, dropping her to the ground and stepping out of the way as
Ukyou spewed her lunch on the ground. Stepping around the
dazed girl, Akane grabbed her pony-tail and yanked her head
back, running her fingers down the vulnerable line of her
throat.
"Just a little pressure," Akane said softly, "and I could
crush your throat."
"please . . ."the word came faintly from Ukyou's lips.
"please . . ."
"I'm going to cripple you." Akane moved slowly
forward, relishing the beaten, broken look in Ukyou's eyes.
"After I'm through with you, small children will wet
themselves at the sight. Women will faint and strong men will
cry!"
##Someone else may have mentioned this already, but this is very
reminiscent of the Princess Bride. Not that that's a _bad_ thing, not at
all...
Ukyou huddled weeping on the ground, not even caring
that she'd soiled herself in terror. She couldn't see the jade
flame that bubbled from beneath her skin and dripped onto the
ground where it was devoured by emerald fire that reached
hungrily from Akane's shadow.
"You're disgusting,"Akane spat in Ukyou's face. "Ten
years looking for vengeance and you give it up the first time he
says you're cute? You're not samurai. You're nothing but a
whore." She kicked the batterd girl away from her, smiling as
Ukyou ended sprawled in the dust. Terror and humiliation
rolled off her in waves, and Akane savored the taste. Payback
was delicious. Green hunger washed out to envelop the fallen
girl.
"You're not samurai." she repeated. "Samurai don't
give up. Samurai don't . . . don't . . ." Akane's entire body
shuddered, as if fighting an invisible current.
*You are Samurai.* She heard her mother say. *The
honor of our family is that we have never failed in our duty.*
*You are Samurai.* Again and again she'd heard that
from her father. *You are Samurai. You must always protect
the weak.*
"Sam . . .urai. I am . . . am . . . SAMURAI!" She
punctuated the scream with a savage blow that shook a two-
hundred old oak. "SAMURAI! SAMURAI! SAMURAI!"
## "Ow!" the tree suddenly yelped, disgorging a battered-looking Tsubasa,
who immediately focussed on his attacker. "You hurt my sweet Ukyo! Prepare
to die!!!"
"Aha!" the Green Flame-possessed Akane smiled viciously. "Finally, a
character I can kill without alienating half of fandom!
Moo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha!!!!"
Each
scream was accompanied by a pounding blow that ripped
great gouges from the tree and all unseen, pushed the jade
flames back inside her. Fists raw and bleeding, panting with
exhaustion, she stripped off her jacket and bent to wrap it
around the girl at her feet. Ukyou flinched at her touch, and
anger flashed across Akane's face to be ruthlessly suppressed.
"Stick to okonomiyaki." Akane said tiredly, gathering
Ukyou into her arms. "It's safer." Moving down the path at a
steady pace, she headed for Okonomiyaki Ucchan's.
##Brr. I'm not sure I like this Akane. She's scary... ~_^
<SNIP>
A tiny frown creased Kasumi's smooth brow
indicating, for her, a severe disturbance of her normally placid
nature. "Please come down to dinner." she asked again. "I've
made your favorite--egg custard with octopus balls and rice,
cold Chinese noodles and Okinawan sweet fritters with
walnuts and raisins," she added temptingly.
##See, now _here_ the description of ingredients make _sense_, as Kasumi
is trying to tempt her out of her room. (Once again, it sounds quite yummy,
too. If you or your wife actually know how to make any of these dishes, I'll
have to cadge a meal off you someday. Yum.)
"Yeah sis," Nabiki slipped up beside her older sister.
"You haven't been to class in four days. You haven't been
downstairs except to use the furo in three. You could at least
let us see you at dinner." She narrowed her eyes, as if trying to
see through the door. "If you come down, I'll let you borrow
my new dress." she wheedled. Kasumi smiled slightly at her,
and Nibiki squirmed under "the" look. "well, _your_ new
dress, "she admitted reluctantly. "But I had it cleaned."
##Hee. You may want to clarify that the dress is Akane's, as the first
time I read this I thought it was Kasumi's. Cute, though.
<SNIP>
She felt like a bottle of soda that had been shaken hard.
If she didn't let the bubbles out, she would explode.
##Great simile, a very vivid image. Nice.
Without
stopping to think about how stupid she was being she launched
herself out of the window. Air rushed past her face as she fell,
then with a lurch she soared upwards and the breath she'd
been holding escaped with an explosive burst. She hadn't been
_really_ sure she would actually be able to fly. Focusing on
the lights of Tokyo she raced across the sky.
******************************************************
"Hey, a shooting-star!"
Hiroshi looked up from where he was discussing the
differences between boys and girls with his new girlfriend. A
charming young lady, refreshingly free of curses, challenges or
magical artifacts.
##Nani? Do such girls exist in Nerima? ^_^
"Green?" Hiroshi though for a moment. "Don't
shooting-stars usually fall _down_?"
Daisuke pondered this as _his_ new girl friend, also
enchantment challenged and martially marginal while still
being possessed of all the right parts in all the right places,
nibbled on his ear.
"Don't usually laugh, either," he opined, listening to
the gleeful shrieks fade in the distance as he offered his other
ear for amorous mastication.
******************************************************
Akane circled Tokyo Tower again, doing a lazy barrel
roll, finishing with an outside loop. She grinned involuntarily
at the stunned look on the face of the single custodial worker
leaving nose prints on the glass of the special observatory,
two hundred fifty meters above the street. Zooming in closer
she gave the man a wink and watched as his eyes rolled up in
his head and he slid out of sight.
Ooooops.
She felt too good to let a little thing like that upset her
for long. Turning away she spiraled up around the tower, past
the hazard lamp blinking at the top of the lightning rod and into
the cool blackness of the night. Clouds drifting over the face of
the moon caught her attention and she decided to race them
across the sky.
##I like this scene, it shows an innocent joy that's been noticably
missing in this story so far. It's nice to know that there are some pleasant
aspects to the Green Flame's power.
<SNIP>
Akane had just decided that it was going to be harder
to catch the clouds than she first thought when the green halo
surrounding her flickered. Alarmed she jerked her attention
from the chase to notice the sky was shading from blue to
black. And she could see the curvature of the earth.
The protective aura flickered again and a blast of cold
hit her like a fist, instantly stealing the breath from her lungs
and freezing her eyes shut. A pilot trained in high altitude
emergencies would have known that, unprotected at eighty-
five thousand feet, she had, at most, sixty seconds of life, as
the cold crystalized her blood and explosive decompression
pulped her internal organs, like a bullet train hitting a rabbit.
##Hmm. GLs, even the golden-age one, fly into space with alarming
regularity, so the Flame should be able to pull this trick off no problem.
Even bearing in mind that the power needs to be recharged every so often,
(Golden-age GL needed to recharge every 24hrs) Akane hasn't been flying
around for more than a few hours... Unless, of course, this version is
powered solely by 'negative' emotions, and is sapped by happy thoughts, like
Akane's joy in flying...
Akane only knew she was in trouble. Tipping over,
like a diver going off the high board, Akane streaked blindly
for the ground, a shooting star in truth. Almost immediately
she felt a tearing sensation, as if she'd overextended a weak
muscle and her aura vanished at sixty-five thousand feet. Cold
and hypoxia slammed her like a hammer.
She was already supersonic when she lost consciousness.
For three minutes she fell, slowing to two hundred fifty miles
per hour in the denser air at fifty thousand feet. At sixteen
thousand feet she came groggily awake, moving a mere one
and a half miles for every minute she fell. The warmer air
unfroze her eyelids and forced her awake.
Dazedly she watched the moon and the lights of Tokyo
swap places as she tumbled through the night sky. It took her
over a minute and better than five thousand feet to remember
where she had been.
"oh . . ."
And what had happened.
"shit!"
##Not that I object to swearing on general principles, but Akane doesn't
seem the type to do so, IMHO, even as an expletive. 'Crap" I can see, but
not 'Shit".
Frantically she reached inside herself for the green
fire, to find only a faint . . .faint . . .ember. Not enough power
to bend a spoon, let alone fly.
Nine thousand feet.
She watched the moon slide past as she tumbled
through the air. Reflexively she stabilized herself on her back.
She'd rather her last sight be of the moon than the dirty
concrete that would mash her like a bug.
Eight thousand feet.
She had a history assignment due! She'd never get into
a good college if she flunked the course.
##Strange, the things one thinks of in near-death situations...
Seven thousand feet.
This was a stupid way to die. Ranma would never let
her forget how stupid she had been.
##The lack of logic in that statement can be attributed to panic, I
suppose ~_^
Six thousand feet.
"RANMA! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"
##Ah, of course it is. Thus is the balance of the universe maintained.
Five thousand feet.
Boy, that felt GREAT! No wonder Ryouga did it all
the time. Thinking of Ryouga brought a sudden surge of anger
and green fire flickered briefly before dying.
##^_^
<SNIP>
_Horizon_ started moving up! Instantly Akane flipped
upright, falling feet first as the skyline seemed to rise above
her. The dark patch rushed toward her like a giant hand.
"Ryouga!"
Images of the lost boy flashed in her mind.
"Liar!"
Images of a small black piglet.
"Peeping Tom!"
Anger. And with it -----green fire.
Sleeping in her bed.
The fire blazed with her rage.
Listening to her deepest secrets.
"RYOUGA!!!"
Watching her get dressed.
"YOU PERVERT!!"
Emerald fire roared into life and Akane clawed at the
sky in an effort to slow her deadly fall. One second, then
another. And a third. The fire roared and Akane thought that
she was actually going to make it.
##Aha. It IS fuelled by anger and hatred, then. All becomes clear.
<SNIP>
Interesting. I take it that there's more to come? It's very interesting,
if a little reminiscent of "Furies". Then again, if you can't borrow from
yourself, who CAN you borrow from? ~_^
Re-reading chapter one, something occured to me. Akane uses a
Flame-powered shinai to smite Happosai, right? But the flame can't effect
wood in any way, and Shinai, being made of bamboo, are certainly wooden. So
is that a glitch, or did Akane smite him all on her own?
Anyway, keep up the good stuff!
Dave Menard
-------------------------------------
Fanfiction pages: http://spghome.tripod.com/
"Just as there are laws of Conservation of Matter and Energy, so there are
in fact Laws of Conservation of Pain and Joy. Neither can ever be created or
destroyed.
But one can be converted into the other."
-Spider Robinson, 1977