Hi,
Comments @@
Everything IMO, only.
If you like what I write and the
way I write then my C&C might
be helpful.
OTOH, you might be better off deleting
this stuff and reading the back of a cereal box.
^_*
--- Nidoking <Matthew.P.Katinas@rose-hulman.edu>
wrote:
A General Time Paradox
Chapter 2: A New Class of Evil
Later that afternoon, five girls and two cats
gathered in the living
quarters of the Cherry Hill shrine to discuss the
events of the day. The
meeting was originally designed to be a study-group
meeting to help
Serena pass her classes, but none of the girls felt
like studying after
their tough battle, even the usually bookish Ami.
Rei had brought in a
tray of cookies, hoping to cheer everyone up, but
only Mina had any high
spirits left. Even the usually relatively cheerful
Lita was down in the
dumps.
@@A nice beginning.
I will say I'm a "purist" about names.
The original Japanese names all had meaning
and were an integral part of the story. MIXING
the Japanese names with the <shudder> Dub names . . .
I'll _try_ not to cringe too often. ^_*
"I can't believe we had to run away," she
moaned.
"What choice did we have?" asked Rei. "They were
way too powerful
for us!"
"I'm sorry I wasn't there to help," Artemis
apologized. Mina stroked
his back, but the cat didn't purr. "This situation
sounds very serious."
"The opponents we fought today were simply not
the same type of
monsters that we've been fighting all this time,"
explained Ami. "Our
powers won't work against them the way they work
against
Negaverse-spawned monsters."
"Even Darien couldn't beat them," whined Serena.
"I've never had to
work so hard! I usually just throw my Moon Tiara or
wave my crystal wand
and everything goes back to normal!"
"Working hard certainly isn't a skill you've had
to practice,"
agreed Luna from Serena's lap.
@@Hmmm . . .not too bad thus far.
Twitching a bit over "Darien" and "Negaverse".
"Hard work or not, there has to be a way to beat
them," said Mina.
"Everyone has a weakness."
"The problem is," put in Artemis, "your powers
were designed for
fighting the creatures of the Negaverse. If Ami's
right about these new
opponents not being from the Negaverse, you could
very well be in over
your heads with this fight!"
@@Personal POV. Looking at all 200 episodes of SM,
this doesn't _quite_ jibe. I can see how it _could_
work.
But it's difficult to put aside the SM universe. One
of the
problems with writing fanficion . . .people who are
familiar
with the series have their own idea about how things
work or should work. IMO, you might want a bit more
detail.
"But we have to try!" argued Serena. "More
innocent people will
suffer if we don't keep fighting!"
"If we do keep fighting, the people who suffer
will be us," said Rei
glumly. "We're going to need some kind of plan to
defeat them." Six
pairs of eyes turned to stare at Ami.
"What?" asked Ami, sweatdropping. "I haven't got
a plan!"
@@IMO, "sweatdropping" or "sweatdrop" is
a fanfic convention that is better off NOT used.
I realize other writers use it, along with <shudder>
"facefault", but IMO . . .it's "cheating", a way to
avoid
developing real descriptions.
MY POV only.
"We're sunk, then," said Serena. "We might as
well give up now. If
even Ami can't think of a plan..."
"Now wait just a minute!" shouted Ami. "Who says
I can't come up
with a plan? I haven't had any time to think of
one!"
Lita clenched her fists. "Well, if our powers
are useless, we'll
just have to find some new powers!"
"New powers?" asked Serena. "Where do we find
those?"
@@TV: "Come on down to Powers-R-Us! All this week,
Hyper-Beam-Destructo-Ray, only 9999.95 Yen. And to the
first one hundred customers . . .A brand new Magical
Girl
Theme Song by Mayo Okamoto!"
"I think there's a way to rise to a higher level
of Sailor Scout
power," offered Luna, "but I can't seem to remember
what it is."
"Neither can I," said Artemis. "I wish I
could... I've forgotten far
too much."
@@AMI: (thoughtfully) "There's some interesting new
research on how lowering testosterone levels improves
memory."
SERENA: " Really, how do you do that?"
AMI: "Castration"
ARTEMIS: "It's all coming back to me."
<SNIP>
*************************************************
<SNIP>
"Save it for the Sailor Scouts," advised Lina.
"Next time, we're
going to have to finish them off for good."
"It might not be that easy," said Ryoko.
"They're like cockroaches -
annoying, ugly, and impossible to squash no matter
how big a shoe you
use."
@@Cute
<SNIP>
"They have not yet seen Ranma in this form.
She will be
registered as a transfer student at Crossroads
Junior High School."
"Who's going to check out the other schools?"
asked Lina.
"You will," replied Beryl. "A simple spell
should be enough to
obscure your bangles from mortal eyes and give you
the appearance of a
common schoolgirl at Grass Valley Junior High
School. We are quite sure
that most of the Sailor Scouts attend one of those
two schools."
@@RYOKO: "Why don't we just kill everyone
at both those schools??
BERYL: "You FOOL! That would reveal our presence to
the humans."
RYOKO: "Yeah, but the only ones who can stop you
would be dead."
"Then what do I get to do?" asked Ryoko.
"Your part of the plan will become clear in
time. You will have the
most important part of all."
"All right!" cheered Ryoko, slamming her fist
into her palm. "Now
THAT sounds more like it!"
Beryl waved her arm, and a portal opened behind
them. "Ranma, Lina,
go. Keep your powers in check until you can discover
a likely candidate.
Once you think you have discovered a Sailor Scout,
isolate her from the
rest and confront her. Ryoko will assist you in
forcing her to reveal
her identity, and then you can destroy her."
"What happens if the girl we find isn't a Sailor
Scout?" asked
Ranma.
Beryl considered this. "Remove her from future
consideration."
"What the heck's that supposed to mean?" asked
Ranma.
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Lina. "Once she knows
who you really are,
we can't let her tell anyone else."
"We're supposed to kill innocent girls? That
wasn't part of the
deal!"
"The deal is anything I choose to make it," said
Beryl. "If you
value what the crystal holds, you will do as I say!"
@@Nicely sinister.
<SNIP>
"What is the deal with that fourth girl?" asked
Ryoko. "Who is she?"
"An element of chaos. If things start to go
wrong for us, her power
will turn the tide in our favor."
"Why don't you use her now?"
"I have my reasons. I suggest that you do not
question them again."
With that, Beryl turned and walked toward the throne
@@BERYL: "Alright, who left the lid up again!"
room, leaving
behind a confused and slightly irate Ryoko.
*************************************************
"Good morning, class," said the teacher, waiting
for the class to
settle down before continuing. "We have a new
student joining us today."
"Hi," said the red-haired girl standing next to
him. "My name is
Ranko Tendo." She smiled sweetly and waved to the
class. The boys
goggled at her, provoking any girls who were near
enough to their
boyfriends to jealously poke them with pencils or
other sharp objects.
"Why don't you sit next to Serena?" suggested
the teacher, pointing
to an empty desk next to a blonde girl whose hair
was set into two long
tails topped with what appeared to be yellow
meatballs.
@@Rather static description, not very original.
Not bad, but you want to grab the reader, give them
something new. It's HARD, I know. AND not always
possible,
with the best of intentions. I just got slammed for
the same
thing. However in this case I think you can fix it
with a minor re-write.
Example::
"Class, we have a new student."
"Ummm . . .Hi," she nervously twisted her
short, red pony-tail between her fingers. "My . .
.ummm
name is Ranko. Ranko Tendo."
The temperature in the room went up
ten degrees when she waved, shyly, and when she
smiled the sudden testosterone storm almost blew
down the walls.
@@NOT the only way to do this, of course.
It does illustrate a couple of points.
1) get past the teacher ASAP. Nothing
very interesting there. (Unless the teacher
is a youma or a character from another series.
Ganpachi Chabane from "Ultimate Teacher", for
instance. ^_^ I like to slip in little cameo's, if
it doesn't interfere with the plot, just to keep
things interesting. But it's not necessary and some
readers find it annoying. ^_*
2)I've shortened the whole thing and made
the descriptions more active. You want to get
to the real heart of the scene . . .sitting next to
Serena. <whimper.>{ that's twice I've had to use
_that_ name}
<SNIP>
When the bell rang, Ranko was certain that she
knew less about
fractions than she had at the start. What made this
even more suspicious
was that she was quite sure it had been a geography
lesson.
@@Cute
Ranko
sighed. Having to kill innocent girls she could
probably learn to deal
with. Going to school was another thing altogether.
@@<ouch> That's cold. ^_*
Cute, but rather breaks the mood, IMO.
*************************************************
"Class, this is our new student," said the
teacher, pausing. "What
did you say your name was again?"
"Amelia Zelgadis," the new arrival said hastily.
She'd forgotten to
choose a new name before registering, and had had to
write down the
first thing that came to mind.
@@Cute. And not unrealistic. And in
character. IMO.
Now she found herself
regretting it, but
it was too late to say that she'd changed her mind
and her name was
actually Martina Zangulus or some other combination
of the names of
those she had traveled with in the past.
"Well, Amelia," said the teacher helpfully, "you
can sit in the back
of the room. Try to keep up with the rest of the
class."
"No problem," said Amelia, choosing an empty
desk and sitting down.
She began to study the girls in the class, seeking
any sign that one or
more of them might be Sailor Scouts in disguise.
"Hey, welcome to Grass Valley Junior High,
Amelia!" whispered the
girl in the next desk. "My name's Stephanie!"
Amelia examined Stephanie's cheerful smile and
long dark hair.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not a very friendly
person."
@@Who is saying this? "Amelia"? Or Stephanie?
"That's all right," whispered the blonde in
front of Stephanie.
"She's that friendly with everyone. Ignore her for a
few days and she'll
give up."
Stephanie smiled again and straightened up in
her desk, her chest
jiggling slightly as she did so. "People say that I
have a fiery heart
that simply burns with congeniality!"
@@Only those people who have stopped their medication.
<SNIP>
*************************************************
"Really?" asked Serena. She cast a quick glance
at Ami and swallowed
the food in her mouth. "I can't imagine a school
tougher than
Crossroads."
"Oh, you'd better believe it!" said Ranko. "The
Principal of
Furinkan was a lunatic!
@@Mixing English with Japanese names.
IMO this is VERY annoying. Why not just
stick with Japanese throughout?
<SNIP>
"How could you even learn anything in those
conditions?" asked Lita.
"I couldn't, really," admitted Ranko. "But I did
get plenty of
practice in the martial arts."
"Really?" Lita leaned forward, suddenly much
more interested in her
new friend. "I study martial arts too! Maybe we
could have a match
sometime!"
"I don't fight girls," said Ranko without
thinking.
"But you're a girl!" Serena pointed out.
"You don't find many female martial artists
around here," added
Lita. "I can never find an opponent to practice with
outside of the Judo
club."
"Judo, eh? I study mostly kempo myself. It might
be interesting to
see how our styles interact." And to meet some of
your other friends,
she didn't add aloud.
@@A nice bit of dialogue. Flowed fairly smoothly.
More importantly if flowed _naturally_, as if
people were really speaking and interacting.
Not perfect, BUT . . .feels very natural. You want
to try to get ALL of your dialogue and scenes
to flow smoothly and naturally at this level or
better. IMO, use this bit as your standard
of comparison for the rest of your writing.
This should be the baseline. You want
everything at this level or above.
Good work.
^_O
<SNIP>
------------------------------------------------------------
<SNIP>
Overall: C+
(A+ would be Krista Perry or Jamie and Bridget Wilde)
Interesting idea and I like the idea of using Ranma
as a bad guy. Mixing Japanese with English names is,
IMO,
a VERY bad idea. You also need to spend more time on
polishing your dialogue and descriptions. You've got
one scene in there that is VERY good, very smooth and
natural. Just try to make all of them like that.
Plot development is weak, but shows promise. Mostly
you must spend more time developing things, add more
detail. Make it come alive. Don't try to rush the
story
or force issues. Put the characters in situations and
see what they
do. Again, go for smooth and natural.
I think it's got potential, especially if you work
with Ranma. A LOT
of dynamic tension possible with him. Conflict between
Akane's life
and innocent lives. PLUS, all the people who will die
if the Senshi die.
(I _refuse_ to use the "SS" word. ^_^)
Good luck with the rest. I hope I've helped at least a
little.
LOVE the pun in the title, btw. I only wish I could do
things like that.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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