My comments on comments$$
Date:
Tue, 12 Dec 2000 09:36:50 -0500
From:
Nidoking <Matthew.P.Katinas@rose-hulman.edu>
| Block
address
Subject:
[FFML] Re: [fanfic][SM crossover] A General
Time Paradox
- Chapter 2
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
OTOH, you might be better off deleting
this stuff and reading the back of a cereal box.
^_*
I don't have any cereal boxes handy... guess your C&C
will have to do.
$$Boy, that's pitiful when the best thing to read is
MY C&C. :(
Makes me feel bad I can't write really witty stuff.
And sorry in advance if I'm a bit snippant... it's a
stressful time for
me, and I tend to be very defensive when I'm stressed.
Just a warning.
$$Tha's OK. Sorry you're stressed. :(
A General Time Paradox
Chapter 2: A New Class of Evil
<SNIP>
@@A nice beginning.
I will say I'm a "purist" about names.
The original Japanese names all had meaning
and were an integral part of the story. MIXING
the Japanese names with the <shudder> Dub names . .
.
I'll _try_ not to cringe too often. ^_*
Who's mixing anything? Since I have only seen the
American dub, those
are the names I'm using. Serena, Ami, Rei, Lita,
Mina... they didn't
change ALL of the names when they dubbed the series,
you know. I know
better than to mix Japanese and English. I don't even
use rather common
Japanese expressions like "arigatou" in my
fanfiction... it's easier to
just stick with one language or the other.
As for the original names, I'm well aware that their
meanings were
important, but I'm not familiar enough with those
names to trust myself
to use them correctly. I'll slip up somewhere, believe
me.
Twitching a bit over "Darien" and "Negaverse".
Once again, I'm not mixing anything. Those are both
names from the dub.
If that's the only reason you're twitching, on the
other hand... maybe
I
should label this story [SM Dub crossover].
$$Don't change anything you're not comfortable with.
AND you are showing good judgment in not using
names or language you're not sure about.
You ARE mixing Japanese names (Serena/Ranko
Tendo;Crossroads/Furinkan)
Quite frankly, it's YOUR story. If you want to mix
Japanese and English, go right
ahead. For that matter if you want to turn Sailor Moon
into a Grunge Band Drummer
from Seattle named Steve . . .go right ahead. ^_*
My C&C is merely MY thoughts about something, based on
what I like to read
and how I write.
Personally, I think names are VERY important and I'll
spend hours researching
a name to find JUST the right one. Sometimes I flub
it, even with all that work.
AND, I HATE the NA Dub. I don't like ANY Dub anime.
(some is tolerable, but
for the most part it's bad. IN MY OPINION ONLY!)
However, other people
disagree. You're seeing MY OPINION only. If you find
merit in something I've
said . . .great. Otherwise, just hit the delete
button.
"Hard work or not, there has to be a way to
beat
them," said Mina.
"Everyone has a weakness."
"The problem is," put in Artemis, "your powers
were designed for
fighting the creatures of the Negaverse. If Ami's
right about these new
opponents not being from the Negaverse, you could
very well be in over
your heads with this fight!"
@@Personal POV. Looking at all 200 episodes of SM,
this doesn't _quite_ jibe. I can see how it _could_
work.
But it's difficult to put aside the SM universe. One
of the
problems with writing fanficion . . .people who are
familiar
with the series have their own idea about how things
work or should work. IMO, you might want a bit more
detail.
You're talking about the seasons after the first,
where they're
fighting
evil in other forms, right? Well, I haven't seen it
but I do know a few
things that might explain my stance a bit better...
1) The Sailor Scouts all died and were revived with no
memory of the
whole Negaverse incident after Beryl's death, weren't
they? (Yes, it's
a
spoiler, but I figured that anyone who's read this far
is probably
planning to read the whole story, and that's a major
point in the next
chapter.) When their Sailor Scout powers returned,
maybe they were
altered somewhat to affect the new opponents...
2) In later seasons, the Sailor Scouts have more
powers and don't use
their original powers much. There are even several
points where their
powers fail to work, and the Scouts (particularly
Sailor Moon) have to
learn new powers that will be effective against more
powerful
opponents.
3) Who's to say that Luna and Artemis fully understand
the powers?
Since
they can't remember how the Scouts can increase their
power, there
might
be other hazy details.
4) They can't see the future... maybe the powers are
designed to work
against creatures that are inherently evil, and the
Negaverse monsters
are the only example that they've seen so far.
$$GREAT. Excellent points all. This is just the sort
of thing
you need to introduce into the story. ^_*
"What?" asked Ami, sweatdropping. "I haven't
got
a plan!"
@@IMO, "sweatdropping" or "sweatdrop" is
a fanfic convention that is better off NOT used.
I realize other writers use it, along with <shudder>
"facefault", but IMO . . .it's "cheating", a way to
avoid
developing real descriptions.
MY POV only.
It's a fanfic and ANIME convention. (I don't read
enough [read "any"]
manga to know whether the sweatdrop appears in them or
not...) I don't
use sweatdropping, facefaulting, and other such
conventions in series
that don't have them. Sailor Moon characters sweatdrop
rather
prolifically; so in keeping style with the show, I
follow the
convention. In my original anime works, I don't.
$$Well, in anime/manga there are "sweatdrops".
It's a Japanese _visual_ convention. (the idea being
that Japanese
people are "wet" or emotional/empathic/intuitive
while westerners
are "dry", cold/unemotional/logical.) The FFML deals
with
prose.
{The Anime Companion, ISBN:1-880656-32-9
Dictionary of Japan's Cultural Code Words, Boye
Lafayette De Mente}
are a couple of good references.
IMO, "sweatdrop", etc. are shortcuts that are not as
useful
as other descriptors.
"New powers?" asked Serena. "Where do we find
those?"
@@TV: "Come on down to Powers-R-Us! All this week,
Hyper-Beam-Destructo-Ray, only 9999.95 Yen. And to
the
first one hundred customers . . .A brand new Magical
Girl
Theme Song by Mayo Okamoto!"
Please allow six to eight episodes for delivery.
$$LOL
"I think there's a way to rise to a higher
level
of Sailor Scout
power," offered Luna, "but I can't seem to
remember
what it is."
"Neither can I," said Artemis. "I wish I
could... I've forgotten far
too much."
@@AMI: (thoughtfully) "There's some interesting new
research on how lowering testosterone levels
improves
memory."
SERENA: " Really, how do you do that?"
AMI: "Castration"
SERENA: I don't see how oiling the wheels on the sofa
will help Artemis
remember anything!
$$ROTFLOL
ARTEMIS: "It's all coming back to me."
There's a reason Artemis can't remember the details,
and it's brought
up
(sort of) in the next chapter, when Pluto explains why
the situation is
so grave. This particular fact is not explicitly
mentioned, but the
Sailor Scouts discovering new powers would be as
dangerous as them
getting killed at this point.
$$ Just kidding. The "memory" problem is canon.
Heck, the "original" Sailor Moon (anime, I'm still
collecting
magna) has plot hole you could drive a truck through .
. .sideways.
<SOME SNIPPAGE OF MY OWN>
"You will," replied Beryl. "A simple spell
should be enough to
obscure your bangles from mortal eyes and give you
the appearance of a
common schoolgirl at Grass Valley Junior High
School. We are quite sure
that most of the Sailor Scouts attend one of those
two schools."
@@RYOKO: "Why don't we just kill everyone
at both those schools??
BERYL: "You FOOL! That would reveal our presence to
the humans."
RYOKO: You mean, more humans than the ones you've
already attacked and
failed to kill, who've already seen your generals and
know who it is
that the Sailor Scouts are fighting?
RYOKO: "Yeah, but the only ones who can stop you
would be dead."
Beryl doesn't want to kill more innocent humans than
she has to,
believe
it or not. What would be the fun of taking over a
world without
innocent
people to torture?
$$Good point. Really. This is the sort of thing
I like to see brought out in the story.
Try to anticipate logical questions the reader
will/might have
and answer them in the context of the narrative.
"We're supposed to kill innocent girls? That
wasn't part of the
deal!"
"The deal is anything I choose to make it,"
said
Beryl. "If you
value what the crystal holds, you will do as I
say!"
@@Nicely sinister.
Thanks.
With that, Beryl turned and walked toward the
throne
@@BERYL: "Alright, who left the lid up again!"
And what's a toilet doing in an anime anyway? Nobody
ever uses them...
at least, not often. Yes, even I could name an
exception or two.
$$Maybe that's why all these Anime characters are so
evil . . .no
Porta-johns in the Dark Kingdom. ^_^
<SNIP RANKO'S ENTRANCE>
@@Rather static description, not very original.
Not bad, but you want to grab the reader, give them
something new. It's HARD, I know. AND not always
possible,
with the best of intentions. I just got slammed for
the same
thing. However in this case I think you can fix it
with a minor re-write.
Example::
"Class, we have a new student."
"Ummm . . .Hi," she nervously twisted her
short, red pony-tail between her fingers. "My . .
.ummm
name is Ranko. Ranko Tendo."
The temperature in the room went up
ten degrees when she waved, shyly, and when she
smiled the sudden testosterone storm almost blew
down the walls.
Ranko, shy? Maybe if she's hoping to get something for
it, like a free
scoop of ice cream. NOT if she's forced to go to
school as a girl for
the purpose of hunting down and killing other girls.
$$I was thinking about when Ranma first showed up at
the
Tendou's. And he's been "shy" at other times.
In fact, going to school "for the purpose of hunting
down and killing"
would likely MAKE her/him shy. It's rather hard (for
non-psychopaths)
to be open and friendly to someone they might have to
kill.
I do like your description, which is exactly why I
can't use it. Not
only because it is now YOUR description, but because
I'm trying to set
a
mood. Class is boring. We'll get more explicit
description of this
later
on, but for now, the school day is hateful for Ranko,
and the dry
description gets a bit of that across. Think about The
Wizard of Oz...
it starts and ends in black and white. Do you think
people complained
because the scenes weren't colorful enough? (Well,
maybe, but there was
a reason for that too.)
$$I wasn't thinking you should use my descriptions
(glad you like them)
they were merely _examples_ of what I was talking
about.
I understand what you were trying to do with the
"black & white".
(now that you've explained it)
However, that's easier done in a visual medium. Much
harder to
do in prose. If that's what you're trying to do I
think you're going
to have to work harder on _that_ part than the entire
rest of the story.
(that's why I blow things up. MUCH easier than subtle
interplay
of emotions) Good luck.
@@NOT the only way to do this, of course.
It does illustrate a couple of points.
1) get past the teacher ASAP. Nothing
very interesting there. (Unless the teacher
is a youma or a character from another series.
Ganpachi Chabane from "Ultimate Teacher", for
instance. ^_^ I like to slip in little cameo's, if
it doesn't interfere with the plot, just to keep
things interesting. But it's not necessary and some
readers find it annoying. ^_*
No, no cameos here. The teacher is indeed
uninteresting. As mentioned,
it is an uninteresting scene for a reason.
$$Granted. And I'm not trying to change what you're
writing.
However if it's TOO uninteresting, no one will read
it.
That's why I avoid stuff like this like the plague.
It's VERY
difficult. Probably the most difficult type of writing
there is.
I hope you can pull it off. (you're a better man than
I am, Gunga Dinn)
^_*
2)I've shortened the whole thing and made
the descriptions more active. You want to get
to the real heart of the scene . . .sitting next to
Serena. <whimper.>{ that's twice I've had to use
_that_ name}
I do prefer active descriptions, actually, as you'll
see in most of my
stories. I even resort to no description over passive
description.
But... well, you know the reason by now.
Ranko
sighed. Having to kill innocent girls she could
probably learn to deal
with. Going to school was another thing
altogether.
@@<ouch> That's cold. ^_*
Cute, but rather breaks the mood, IMO.
The mood? MY intended mood was that Ranko's bored and
fed up with being
pushed around, but has to hold back for Akane's sake.
Hence the boring
description... well, enough about that.
$$I was thinking about the "seriousness" of the mood.
To _me_ it seemed jarring.
Again, this is ALL, just what I think. If you find
merit
in what I've said, use it. Otherwise, just hit the
delete button. ^_*
Amelia examined Stephanie's cheerful smile and
long dark hair.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not a very friendly
person."
@@Who is saying this? "Amelia"? Or Stephanie?
Amelia. Stephanie spoke in the previous paragraph. Not
that it COULDN'T
be her, but... considering the context, I thought it
was pretty obvious
who was speaking.
$$Not to me. ^_^ (but then, I'm easily confused.)
Stephanie smiled again and straightened up in
her desk, her chest
jiggling slightly as she did so. "People say that
I
have a fiery heart
that simply burns with congeniality!"
@@Only those people who have stopped their
medication.
Nah... it's one of those deus ex machina things. You
know... the bad
guys are always led to suspect the wrong person by
some strange
coincidental twist of words or events. I have Amelia
suspecting
Stephanie because it fits the feel of the show.
$$Ahhhh . . .I was confused by the whole thing, so
maybe it's working.
"Really?" asked Serena. She cast a quick
glance
at Ami and swallowed
the food in her mouth. "I can't imagine a school
tougher than
Crossroads."
"Oh, you'd better believe it!" said Ranko.
"The
Principal of
Furinkan was a lunatic!
@@Mixing English with Japanese names.
IMO this is VERY annoying. Why not just
stick with Japanese throughout?
Because I'm sticking with dub names throughout.
Ranma's school was
called Furinkan even in the dub.
I take it you're not very familiar with the dub names?
@@Furinkan IS Japanese. But I see your logic.
Viz seems to do _tolerable_ dubs. I got some
of them before I learned better. ^_O
To ME, mixing Japanese and English names, no
matter what the source, is VERY jarring. NOT
everyone feels that way. NOT everyone WRITES
that way. It's your story. Call Ranma >> Steve if you
wish. ^)^
I don't like it, but what do I know? If you like these
names, KEEP them.
NEVER make ANY changes that YOU, the author, are not
comfortable
with. When I C&C, I'm telling you what I think about
what you've
written, and why I think that. But I'm only a reader.
A single reader.
IF you like what I write, and the way I write it, then
_perhaps_ you may
find something useful in my C&C. It's more probable
that it's nothing
but dried goat poo-poo. ^_^
<SNIP DIALOGUE - IT'S NICE, BUT LONG>
@@A nice bit of dialogue. Flowed fairly smoothly.
More importantly if flowed _naturally_, as if
people were really speaking and interacting.
Not perfect, BUT . . .feels very natural. You want
to try to get ALL of your dialogue and scenes
to flow smoothly and naturally at this level or
better. IMO, use this bit as your standard
of comparison for the rest of your writing.
This should be the baseline. You want
everything at this level or above.
That is my usual style and level of writing.
Good work.
^_O
Overall: C+
(A+ would be Krista Perry or Jamie and Bridget
Wilde)
Let's put it this way... Everyone, it seems, is being
compared to
Krista
Perry, and I've ranted about authors whose works are
used in similar
ways on other lists. I'll spare you that rant. I don't
aspire to that
level of writing because I believe that the focus is
no longer on the
writing but on the name of the author. I do admire her
work, yes... but
I have my own style. I don't want to see every author
on this list
start
to write in her style, or things will get rather
monotonous. What would
happen if everyone started writing in Shakespearean?
$$I'm NOT talking about writing in HER style. OR in
any other
writers STYLE. I AM talking about readability. She and
the Wilde's
write a "good read."
HOWEVER, this is VERY subjective. I don't like Stephan
King, and
he's making a bundle of money. I DO think that the
writers I mentioned
have a very smooth and natural flow in their writing.
I was using them
as an EXAMPLE, not saying that you, or any other
writer, should
try to reproduce them like a xerox machine.
(Was going to put an example of that here, but I think
the rhetorical
question speaks for itself.)
I prefer not to be as heavy on description as the
authors whose styles
are so highly praised, so that I can focus on the
action. Active
description, as you mentioned earlier, is a big part
of that. All
personal decisions, of course... but I can generally
turn out new
chapters more frequently than the more descriptive
authors.
Interesting idea and I like the idea of using Ranma
as a bad guy. Mixing Japanese with English names
is,
IMO,
a VERY bad idea.
Mine too. That's why I never do it. ^_^
$$I think that particular horse just foundered a few
paragraphs back.
You also need to spend more time on
polishing your dialogue and descriptions. You've got
one scene in there that is VERY good, very smooth
and
natural. Just try to make all of them like that.
They usually are... Are you sure it's not one scene
that's very dry,
that you want me to NOT write like ever again?
$$Ummmm . . .nope. I just found that one
scene very well written. I didn't really notice
that I was reading it until I was through with it.
That's the kind of writing that I like to read.
That's what I'm talking about. But, it's only
my opinion.
Plot development is weak, but shows promise. Mostly
you must spend more time developing things, add more
detail. Make it come alive. Don't try to rush the
story
or force issues. Put the characters in situations
and
see what they
do. Again, go for smooth and natural.
Oh, there will be plenty of development. I just can't
stand shelving
the
plot for as long as it will take to develop things
that way.
*sigh* You really want me to go back over this and
majorly rewrite,
don't you? Well, I suppose I'll see what I can do. I'm
definitely going
to stay away from the scene you gave me, particularly
because Ranko is
NOT going to be shy. But I may be able to capture some
of that effect
without ruining my original intent for the scene.
$$Hey, don't re-write because of anything I said.
If . . .I repeat IF . . .you agree with anything I've
written.
IF there is a change that YOU want to make, then make
it.
But NEVER, NEVER make a change you don't want to make.
NEVER make a change that you feel forced to make.
It's YOUR story.
I've told you what I think. If you agree, good.
If not, also good.
{any scene I gave was PURELY an example, to illustrate
a point I was trying to make. NOT . . . NOT meant as
a replacement for your writing.(It's yours if you
want.
I've used lines and scenes suggested by other people.
BUT only
because it FELT right)}
I think it's got potential, especially if you work
with Ranma. A LOT
of dynamic tension possible with him. Conflict
between
Akane's life
and innocent lives. PLUS, all the people who will
die
if the Senshi die.
(I _refuse_ to use the "SS" word. ^_^)
You don't like Lina and Ryoko? They've got tension
too. I'm just
leaving
that until later.
$$I was talking about<shudder> Sailor Scout <whimper>
Good luck with the rest. I hope I've helped at least
a
little.
Well, if you've helped my writing, you've crippled my
free time. But
sincere thanks in either case. I will look this
chapter over again and
possibly vivify the description a bit.
$$ONLY if you want to. If you like the story as is,
leave it.
Write the story YOU want to write, the way you want to
write it.
The readers will find you.
NEVER make any changes that YOU don't REALLY, REALLY
like.
LOVE the pun in the title, btw. I only wish I could
do
things like that.
Really? It was a working title... but I guess this is
a vote for
keeping it.
$$ I was thinking of "A new class of evil" (they're
all in a new CLASS at school)
However "General Time Paradox" isn't bad (new
"Generals") ^)_^
You might play with _that_ one a bit.
- Nidoking
$$Good luck with the next chapter. ^_O
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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