Ohkay, now I'm nervous; what you see below is my first try at anime fanfiction, or psoting on this mailing list for that matter. So what do you think of it, is it good? Does it make you sleep? Tell me what you think!
Suicide Watch
By St�phane Adam
Notes: I do not own Evangelion nor many of the characters found in this story, they are the property of Gainax, and the series is distributed by ADV films in America. If you never saw this unusual anime, I heartily encourage you to find some tapes and give it a try, you won't regret it!
Any comments would be greatly appreciated, please drop me a line at 924158@ican.net .
Oh, and I thank those who helped me with comments in criticisms as I wrote this story, you don't know how valuable it was guys! Thank you Tommy Rude, Bo Johanson, Emiliano Pardo Saguier, but especially CoolWizard for his entousiasm, Victor Castrejon for being a friend and Doublemint for his help above and beyond the call of duty. If Sir Doublemint had not helped as much, it would not have been nearly as well written.
Part one: Breaking a doll.
Misato Katsuragi was standing in the command room of NERV headquarters. In front of her were the three operators who would monitor everything and report relevant information. Combined with the giant screen dominating all of the room's front wall, they were her eyes and ears. Behind and above her sat the Commander Ikari, his glasses reflecting the light of the front screen, unmoving. Besides him stood the older Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki, they were both so still they could have been made of granite.
The monitor was showing the latest Angel hovering in low orbit. It was beautifull, looking like a set of wings made of glittering crystal. For the first time, Misato tought, their opponent looked like it's namesake; it scared her. She then sent a radio message to the pilot they had sent at the surface. On the monitor a window showing the pilot in her entry plug opened, her short blue hair framing a beautifull, pale face, both highlighting her deep red eyes.
"Is everything all right, Rei?"
The young pilot was calm, the giant humanoid construct was behaving normally, and the holographic displays surrounding her did not show anything abnormal. Her EVA held a beam rifle fit for it's gigantic scale. She looked at the display showing Misato, her face expressionless.
"Yes." Rei answered.
"Very well then... Fire!"
The blue armored giant pointed it's rifle towards the Heavens and fired a burst of light. The positron beam shot towards it's immobile target... and faltered. The target was out of range, and all communication channels came alive.
"Target out of range."
"Target reacting, powering up!"
"Rei dodge!"
But Rei did not have time to react she was suddenly bathed in light from the sky. The light shone on the Eva, shone on Rei, shone on her soul.
In the command center, the brown haired young operator's eyes widened.
"Mental contamination detected!"
"Damn!" Growled Misato.
Rei was frozen as the light suddenly invaded her mind, opening her most forbidden doors, invading her most intimate thoughts and the darkest recesses of her mind. There was nowhere to hide, nothing could be hidden in the light. She could not lie to the angel, but even worse, she could not lie to herself.
She remembered the arrival of Shinji, her anger and jealousy as she was no longer the only pilot, and would have to share the Commander's attention.
SELFISH
She remembered the pain she was in when the Commander had told her she was to fight the Third Angel, and the time she had shielded Shinji when his rifle powered up during Operation Yashima. She had been afraid to die, but also relieved at the tought of death. She could be replaced anyway.
WORTHLESS
She remembered herself eating alone, none of the other students approaching her, she remembered her lonely appartment in an empty building.
LONELY
She remembered Shinji opening the searing hot entry plug following her ejection after a battle, then she remembered the Second Child, and her sync training with Shinji. She had been jealous once again as she had to share the only one she could consider a friend.
SELFISH
Rei did not want to see anymore. She closed her eyes but it did not work. She hid her face in her hands, trying to push it all back and failing. She was shaking violently.
WORTHLESS.
LONELY.
"Stop it!" She whimpered.
Back at the command center Misato stepped back in surprise. Rei ever shown emotion, never smiled, never cried. That was doubly true during missions.
"What is it doing to her?"
"I don't know Major!" Shouted Maya, "Maybe it's trying to communicate!"
"Well I don't care, do something!"
"Disconnecting pilot interface." Maya paused. "Not working, ejecting entry plug!" The operator typed a code and pushed the Enter key so hard it sounded like something breaking.
"It's not working, the EVA is not responding!" Maya screamed in frustration.
"Damn!"
"I do not want to see it! Please stop please oh please!" Rei was pushing hard against her eyes in the light now, her eyes lowered and her short hair shielding part of her face from the viewers in the command center; Misato felt sick.
Then a second window opened, showing a thin boy in a white and blue plugsuit.
"Let me out there, I've gotta do something!" Shinji said in a determined voice.
Before Misato could think about it she heard a voice above her, it was the commander.
"This is not an option, Unit One is unstable. It is too dangerous"
Shinji glared.
"Not if I win!"
"This is not negotiable... Pilot Sohryu."
A third window opened on the monitor, showing a young redhead in a red plugsuit.
"Yes commander?" Her tone was eager, her expression grim.
"You will be launched, as you reach the surface you will use the spear you will find in the elevator at the surface. You will know what to do." Misato was looking at her superior as if he had grown a third arm. A spear?
"Alright I'll do it!" Asuka growled without hesitation. "You just look Shinji!" She had a near maniacal grin as she cut of the comm link with the command room. Misato waited, she was smart enough to know that operations were not in her hands anymore, and she knew that if the Commander acted that way, he had a reason.
The red Eva stood on the surface, spear in hand. The spear did not look like a weapon humans would build, in looked almost... organic. Asuka did not mind though, she took the position an olympic javelin thrower would find faultless. The the spear reacted, the shaft divided in two along its lenght, forming two parallel points. Asuka felt the Eva's consciousness engulf the weapon. Then, she knew.
"You just look Shinji, and see who's the best!" She screamed as she ran a few paces to gain momentum. She then threw the spear with all her might. The shaft flew towards the sky, through the clouds, through the stratosphere, through the angel who desintegrated with the impact. The beam of light ceased instantly. Asuka sat in her entry plug, feeling her confidence returning after weeks of despair. She smiled radiantly as the glittering shards of the Angel entered the atmosphere and burned, celebrating her absolute victory over the Angel, Shinji and all who thought she was weak with fireworks. She staightened up, even took the time to fix her hair, not worrying one bit that no one had communicated with her yet. She then opened a channel with her arch-rival, already rehearsing her boasts.
"Hey, Shinji, guess you panicked for nothing after all, huh? Who would need you when they got the very best pilot to save the day! And I did it without having to go berzerk like some pilot that... Hey, I'm talking to you you jerk!" But it was useless, all she heard was Shinji's pleading.
"Rei, are you all right, answer me! Please Rei answer, please! Rei, I want to hear you, please be all right! Rei? Rei!"
***
Rei was sitting on the ground, in a middle of a landing pad. She had her arms around her knees, resting her forehead against them. She looked small in her plugsuit, in the middle of a wide square designated by yellow police tape. Shinji stood just outside the quarantine zone, her behavior scaring him to no end.
"Rei, I'm glad you're okay!" Screamed Shinji just to be heard. She did not stir, she might as well be dead, the boy tought. The idea chilled him. Hesitantly, he called out again.
"Rei?"
Still no response, Shinji looked right and left. Men in black suits were at the edge of the platform. Too far to intercept him, he tought. But did he really want to get into trouble? Misato would bite his head off! Then again maybe not, she was rarely around anymore. And even then, they would not harm him, he was one of the Children. He nervously lifted up the tape and passed the barrier. The men instantly ran towards him.
"Stop!"
Shinji ignored them, walking hastily towards Rei's still form. He was almost able to reach her, extended his arm when BLAM! A shot rickochetted at the teen's feet, making him jump. Rei did not even react.
"Don't get any closer boy!" Said the guard as he pointed his weapon at Shinji.
"But I've got te see if she's okay!"
"Leave it to the professionals." At hearing it, Shinji's expression hardened.
"You can't hurt me anyway, I'm an Evangelion pilot." The boy growled. It didn't faze the man.
"You can pilot with your leg in a cast."
Reluctantly, the boy lowered his head, and begun to back up, very slowly. He stopped though, when he heard a whisper. It had been lost in the commotion before, but as things grew quiet again Shinji could hear the young girl's soft voice whispering. He listened closely, unmoving. What he heard puzzled him, puzzled and scared him.
"I want to be replaced." She said ever so softly. "I want to die and be replaced."
***
Part 1: The burden of a life.
Shinji stood there, staring at Rei with wide eyes, petrified. He wanted to move, wanted take her in his arms and tell her she was a fool. He screamed inwardly for his feet to move but they couldn't. The boy turned towards the guards and screamed.
"You must help me! Call Misato or something!" The men in black suits didn't even seem to hear him, altough they were all watching him closely. Shinji looked at the girl ten feet away, and realized that she was still in the same position as he had first seen her. Shaking, he began to back off slowly, afrait that she'd disapear if he stopped looking at her. Only when he reached the tape did he finally turn around and ran like hell.
It took time, way too much time for Shinji to find anyone who could help, the NERV headquarters were immense, and full of endless coridors. But he finally saw Misato, talking with Doctor Akagi. He ran towards them and fell of his knees in front of the women. He tried to speak but could barely breathe.
"What is it Shinji?" Exclaimed Misato as she knelt in fron of the boy, alarmed at the panic she felt in the boy's shuddering form. Ritsuko looked worriedly as Shinji still tried to regain his breath.
"It's... it's Rei, you've... gotta do something!"
"What Shinji, what's wrong with Rei?"
"She's.. oh my god! I think she wants to... to..." Shinji stammered as he lifted his head and met Misato's stare. The Major's heart skipped a beat when she saw his desperate, horrified eyes.
Ritsuko stepped forward and put an hand on the pilot's shoulder, attracting his attention instantly.
"What does Rei wants Shinji?" The blonde haired scientist asked in a calm, soothing voice.
"She wants to die!" Shinji snapped, "I think's she's gonna kill herself!"
"Calm down Shinji," Replied coldly Ritsuko, "Rei just went through a very trying ordeal, but she'll be fine. Just let her regain her bearings."
"You don't understand, it's the first time she's acting like that... and she never lies!" Shinji snapped while getting up in one jerky move. Misato thought it wise to intervene.
"Maybe he's right Ritsuko, we don't really know how deeply she was affected. Maybe we should keep her under observation fo a few days, just to be sure."
"We won't," Said Ritsuko, frowning, "we have orders to release her and let her go home before eight this evening." None of the three had the shadow of a doupt as of whom had given the order.
"But... why would my father ..." Began Shinji, trailing off.
"The reasons are complex... and classified." Ritsuko replied coldly, but with an underline of disgust. The three stood silent.
"I gotta talk to him." Shinji whispered before walking off hastily. Misato ran after him as Ritsuko watched them go sadly. The last thing she heard was Misato's voice.
"Shinji, Wait!"
***
Shinji stood at the treshold of the door, in front of him he saw the immensity of his father's office. The room could fit hundreds, but it was occupied by only two. The Commander and his Second, the first sitting behind his desk, besides him stood the later. They watched the young intruder intently. Shinji felt suddenly weak, wanted to retreat to the safety of the corridor and Misato behind him, knowing that they would ignore his coming here if he did. He felt ridiculous in his form-fitting plugsuit. He tried to walk forward but his body refused to move. The boy cursed his cowardice, he was so close! Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"What would happen if you step back now Shinji?" Misato whispered before returning to her previous stance, straight and still. The soldier once again replacing the woman.
He looked at his feet for a second, his face hardening as he made the first tentative step, entering the den of the beast. He lifted his gaze, his head held high as he walked across the room, ignoring the mystical symbols covering the floor. His father watched him intently, his elbows leaning on his desk. He waited for the pilot to be ten paces away before speaking.
"What are you doing here?" At those words Shinji stopped, the son's gentle eyes meeting the father's cold ones.
"It's... it's Rei, she's not supposed to be alone now. The Angel... it did something to her..."
"I am well aware of the First Child's status, it is none of your concern." The Commander replied coldly. Shinji stepped back nervously.
"Bu-but she's suicidal!"
"Your analysis is irrelevant."
Shinji's gaze turned to Fuyutsuki, pleading. The man remained silent. A glance confirmed that Misato would not, could not come to his help. Despair bit down on the boy. Nobody cared; Rei was out there shivering in the wind alone, hurting so badly she wanted to die to make it all go away, and no one was going to do anything. Shinji let out a deep, sad sigh, with the the next deep breath came his last card.
"Then would you let me watch over her?"
The Commander Ikari did not move, slight surprise registered on Fuyutsuki's wrinkled traits, Misato reacted as if she had been touched with a cattle prod.
"Commander I don't think..." She blurted before being interrupted.
"Major, you are dismissed." The Commander said evenly; she stood frozen.
"This is an order Major." The Commander stated evenly. Hesitantly, Misato turned around and left the silent room. The two Ikari stood still, gazes locked. As soon as the door closed Gendo adressed his son.
"What make you think you are qualified to accomplish this task?"
"Well... I don't know."
"How do you know you will not be doing more harm than good?"
"I can' be sure but..."
"Do you really think you know her more than I do?" Gendo cut in harshly.
"I don't think I do."
"Then why should I agree to your request, then?"
"Because," Shinji said thoughtfully, "I'm the only one who would do it." Silence settled in. Gendo sizing up his son, Shinji felt like a bacteria under the microscope. The boy's eyes widened at the Commander's grin.
"You understand that you will not receive any support from me."
"I never expected it." The pilot replied, his father kept grinning.
"Very well then." The Commander pushed a button on his desk. "Get Major Katsuragi."
Misato entered as almost immediately, she must have been next to the door since she had left, Shinji thought. She walked quickly the distance separating the entrance and the desk, her behavior as professional as ever. She stood at attention as Commander instructed her.
"Major, pilot Ikari has been reassinged to pilot Ayanami's quarters. You will take him to his former living accomodations and help him gather what he will require for an extended stay. You will then take him to Rei's appartment." Misato stood stiffly, her left eyebrow twitching.
"Understood." She said in a strained voice.
"Very well then, you are both dismissed." Gendo stared as the two left his office. He went back to his paperwork as soon as the door closed on them. Fuyutsuki eyed his superior curiously.
"Why did you agree to Shinji's request?" Ikari did not leave his reading at his Second's inquiry.
"There was no reason not to agree; if Rei ends up taking her life she will be replaced. If she does not her psyche will be stronger, avoiding the risks of further breakdowns." Gendo said distractedly.
"But what about Shinji, finding her corpse would be most distressing."
"It will not be enough to prevent him to pilot, or he would have broken long ago."
"Maybe he can not take much more strain, and Rei's death could very well be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back."
"The boy is like a sponge Fuyutsuki, he might yeld to pressure but he will end up cushionning the blow."
"Ikari, you are most adept at hiding you emotions, but I can tell the truth." The Subcommander grinned.
"Then would you share this piece of timeless wisdom?" The Commander inquired, never leaving his current task.
"You let yourself be lead by you feelings Gendo, and took the only course of action who would let you help her without seeming to do so."
The answer never came.
***
Shinji was in the car, feeling like opening the door of the passenger side and jump out. Misato had not spoken to him since they had come out of the office, but he could feel the tension radiating from her like heat. Oh, and there was that not-so-small irritant sitting behind him generating enough noise to provide three different conversations.
"... You should have been here Shinji, I would have found you usefull at least as a cheerleader while I broke every record. No, honestly, was that a perfect throw or what? I mean I never loved those olympic competitions but it sure was usefull to pay some attention in physical education! Maybe if you'd been as dedicated as me they would have let you do it, they didn't need to do it though since I'm clearly qualified enough to handle all of this sort of things anyway, but it would be nice to have some backup in the very unlikely situation I had need for it..."
Is she ever going to shut up? Shinji thought, knowing the answer and not pleased by it. She'd have to die first; an icy hand crushed his heart as he pushed back the memory of Rei's words. Back in the car Asuka kept talking endlessly, did she ever need to breathe?
"... To celebrate my victory, and since I'm in such a good mood, I'll generously cook tonight, some real meal just to show you two japaneese how to do it!"
"It'll be just the two of us Asuka." Misato cut in sharply. Asuka did not notice the Major's tension.
"What for, Shinji's gonna eat at Kensuke's place just to be sure he won't have to face his superiors?" She took a mocking tone.
"No, he's got... more important matters to deal with." Shinji watched nervously as his guardian's grip tightened on the wheel.
"Oh I see, some more tests so the poor idiot will be of some use in the next fight!" Asuka punched the back of Shinji's seat to add injury to the insult. Misato wasn't pleased.
"No, he's gonna leave us for a few days."
"Where to? I mean, his Eva's useless but not THAT useless! They wouldn't fire him, would they?" Asuka asked as if she was inquiring about the weather.
"No, to Rei's apparment, he's gonna live there for a while to see if she's... okay." Misato sighed as she stopped the car in front of their appartment building.
"With Rei!" Yelled Asuka indignantly. "Misato how could you let that... that pervert anywhere near that doll!" Shinji felt suddenly fed up by being talked about as if he wasn't there.
"Rei is not a doll!" He growled.
"Of course she is, that's why you're so interested in living with her in the first place!" The Redhead shot back.
Shinji got out of the car, fuming like only Asuka could make him do it. The girl followed close behind while Misato was the last in line. They entered the building.
"That's not it! She's been badly hurt by the angel and I have to do something, since you won't." Shinji said evenly, Asuka snarled.
"Why should I? Wondergirl's not needing anybody anyway, and she's already got her dear Commander!" Asuka was surprised to see her roommate turn around, his soft dark blue eyes burning with furry.
"You have no idea what you're talking about, you cold hearted... witch!" He growled in a dangerouly low voice. Asuka met his deadly gaze head on.
"Oh sorry, I forgot that the invincible Shinji knew everything and never did any mistakes, so I am obviously always wrong in his almighty company!" She sneered, at the same time wondering if she had gone too far; the boy's hands were balled into fists.
"I hope you fall, I hope you fall real hard and need someone to help you. But nobody's gonna do it because nobody cares!" Shinji stated fiercely. Asuka recoiled as if she's been slapped, she tried to regain her countenance as Misato put herself between the two.
"That's enough, both of you!" She yelled. Shinji turned around and started climbing the stairs, ignoring the hatefull glare the other pilot shot him.
Nobody said a word as Shinji gathered his meager possesions and put them in a travel bag. Misato sat at the kitchen table, siping a beer toughtfully, Asuka had stomped into her room as soon as they had come into the appartment. Finally all was ready, and Shinji came to Asuka's door before going. He knocked before opening it, the boy saw the young girl face down on her bed.
"Asuka... before I go I wanted to say that... well... that I'm sorry for the fight before. I've said some really mean stuff and... um..."
"Get out," Growled Asuka, her voice muffled by her pillow, "just get out, and have fun with your doll." Shinji stood in silence, then closed the door silently. She heard his paces as Shinji went away.
"Dumkropft," She whispered.
***
As ordered, Rei sat on a chair in a waiting room. She was looking at her hands on her lap in silence. If someone had shared the room with the girl and knew her like only one did, he would have noticed an unusual intensity in her deep red eyes instead of her usual indifference. The doctor Akagi had kept her for a long time, taking samples from her blood, her skin and her bone marrow. The scientist had examined these as if they had been lost pages from the Bible. She had submitted the pilot to instruments meant to see into her body and her brain, but not her soul. The woman never looked the girl in the eyes as she declared Rei perfectly healthy and ready to leave.
She knows, Rei thought, but she will not admit it in my presence. Was Akagi notifying the Commander as she waited? It was irrelevant. He could not sway her from her path, soon she would take the first and last action that she had ever chosen freely. In a few hours she would be alone in her appartment, far from prying eyes. As soon as someone would be here to take her 'home'.
"Soon." She whispered.
The young pilot looked up when she heard the door open and froze. Standing there was a purple haired woman in a short dress and a red jacket, beside her a dark haired boy stood in a white shirt and black pants. The woman spoke up cheerfully.
"Ready to go home Rei?"
"Yes." Replied the girl quietly. Her gaze fell on the boy, who squirmed as he noticed her attention.
"Alrighty then, lead the way Shinji!" Misato ordered good-naturedly. He complied nervously. Rei followed them, wondering inwardly why the Third Child and the Major would bother over something as trivial as driving her home. The answer came to her by itself as they approached the car.
"Sorry for taking so long Rei," Misato began, "we had to gather some stuff for your new roommate." Rei stopped walking.
"Roommate?" She asked quietly.
"Yup! From now on you are sharing your appartment with none other than the lucky guy next to us!" Misato stated with a grin, " Try not to wear him down too fast!"
"Misato!" A red-faced Shinji exclaimed.
"But I was not notified beforehand." Rei stated, unmoving.
"Don't you worry. He's gonna be the perfect gentleman. Besides he's a nice cook, and he does the laundry! Right Shinji?"
"Yeah." Shinji grinned uncertainly, Rei ignored him.
"Is this an order?" The blue haired pilot asked quietly, she saw the boy's shoulders sag.
"Yup! Nothing to do about it." Misato smiled at the girl mischievously. " So, hop aboard!"
Rei did as she was told, Shinji opening the door for her. As she climbed into the car, their eyes met, for a second the girl stared at her fellow pilot intently, seemingly looking for something in those brown, nervous eyes. Then they were in the car, speeding on the empty streets of Tokyo-3 in the morning. After a while they approached Rei's neighborhood, Misato found the place eerily empty; no garbage littered the ground as it was common in run down parts of cities, there was no one here to generate waste in the first place. In front of them loomed the only building who saw some use, as the home of one single occupant. Misato's smile turned sour for a moment but neither of the Children noticed it, lost as they were in their own little worlds.
***
The blue haired girl oppened the door and stepped into her appartment, followed closely by a woman and a boy carying bags. Misato observed the run-down room critically then raised an eyebrow.
"So where will you sleep Shinji? There's just a one room! Unless of course you intend to sleep in the bathroom..."
"I'll take that corner over there," Shinji replied, "is that all right with you Rei?"
"You may do as you please." The girl walked towards the single chair and sat down, looking out the window towards the city. A tense silence covered the three, a silence Misato broke loudly.
"Oh man! I just remembere I forgot some groceries in the car! Shinji would you be a dear and go fetch them?" Misato's mock pleading expression took Shinji offguard, he grined slightly before nodding and turning to leave.
"Thanks! You're really a dear!" The Major said gratefully as she smiled at the boy while he closed the door. Silence once more took hold of the appartment while Misato waited for the noise of his footsteps to fade. She then turned to look at Rei, the girl has not moved from her position near the window.
"I know you want to die." The woman said seriously, letting her cheerfull facade fall as the one she needed to fool has been removed. Rei seemed to ignore her.
"You're a fool, you know that?" Still no response.
"Life's not paper tissues y'know, you can't just throw it away when it doesn't suit you! I know it's hard for now but if you refuse to face it it's never gonna get better, you're tougher than that kid I mean, just look at the angels we've kicked, do you think we'd still be there if we just threw the towel the first time we got our faces rubbed in the dirt? Where's the fighter Rei, the girl who threw herself in front of a laser beam without complaining? You remember her don't you?" Misato's tone was getting harsher as she failed to stir the girl.
"Very well then, I'm well placed to know that if you won't let us help there's nothing we can do. But hear my words Rei, if Shinji suffers because of you," The woman was shaking in impotent anger as she continued, "and your death would destroy him believe me, I'll go to wathever hell they send you and torture you personnaly! Is that clear, Pilot?" Rei finally reacted, turned to meet Misato's stare.
"Do not worry Major, I do not intend to harm Shinji." Rei whispered. Misato was about to answer when the door opened suddenly, revealing a lithe boy carrying a bag. He saw both girls staring at each other.
"Is there anything wrong?" Shinji asked supiciously. Misato smiled at him.
"Nothing at all, we were just having a girl to girl chat, right Rei?" Of course the girl didn't answer. It didn't seem to faze Misato, "So, do you need help to settle in?"
"Not really, I don't have much."
"Very well then, I've got some paperwork to do back at the headquarters, so it's buh-bye for now!"
"Okay!" Shinji replied good-naturedly.
"And don't forget you've got my number, if there's anything you need or just want to talk about or..."
"I know I know," The boy cut in with a grin, "don't worry Misato, I'm fine."
"I'm not worried!" The woman said as she walked out, "See you soon Rei!"
The girl did not seem to hear, she had turned towards the window once again. Misato closed the door, leaving the two alone. Shinji looked at Rei on the other side of the appartment, he wanted to walk towards her and put a hand on her shoulder, but he felt a wall between them. He could only stand there and look at the silent girl he had come to consider one of his few friends. Shinji did the only thing he could do, he stood and waited...