Hi,
sorry this is so late, but between
your earlier advice on "writers block"
and the jolt I got from all the goodC&C
on Chapter 1 of BF I managed another
56KB, so I'm at about 97% on the
story. ^_* <thank goodness>
--- Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> wrote:
Haven't read much of the other C&C on this, so I may
be repeating the
same corrections as someone else. No matter --
onward!
@@I appreciate the effort.
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
(Note: Green Lantern #16 provided the inspiration
for this
story. However only the colour green remains.)
No lantern? :)
@@Only that one time with Tojo-san.
Zhang, the necromancer, turned the stone in
his hands.
It wasn't really stone, but then Zhang wasn't
really his name.
Not the one he'd been born with decades earlier,
thousands of
miles away in the black forests of Germanica.
Before the
servants of the murdered god had driven him from
his home.
Thin bloodless lips curved in a small, almost
smile, recalling
Suggest 'a thin almost-smile,' (doesn't seem right
as written)
@@OK, I see what you mean.
Stretching hugely he took a sip from his mug,
grimacing
hugely, he
(I noticed this when I did the oral reading of
"Yellow Tiger" at
AnimeFest last year: You use quite a lot of "Doing
X, he did Y" type
sentences, and also tend to forget the comma between
the two parts.)
@@Comma . . .comma . . .That word seems
strangely familiar. Isn't that what happens
after a blow to the head?
(I've been holding off with the rest
of BF until my wife (the one who actually
knows how the English Language is put
together) can proof the story))
{she LIKES to diagram sentences}
<SNIP>
Pushing aside his mug and plate he began
gently
removing the dark outer crust with a mixture of
diamond dust
and fat rendered from murdered children.
Yes, if he doesn't kill babies for the sheer
pleasure of it, he isn't a
Yonge villain. :-)
@@Errrrr, thanks?
(He's a NECRO-mancer. It's in the
job descritpion.)
The ancient necromancer was indifferent to
worldly
comfort now, the last of his human desires had been
burnt
Run-on sentence.
@@If it weren't for
Run-on sentences I wouldn't
get any exercise at all.
<SNIP>
"An Amazon?" Zhang said meditatively,
splitting his
attention between the boy he'd been systematically
preparing
for weeks and the star-stone he'd lived with for
decades.
"Ahhh . . .was she a blond?" He let the child's
baby fine hair,
BOY: A Chinese blonde? Whaddaya think, she uses Miss
Clairol?
ZHANG: Shut up! This is anime! You aren't allowed to
question such
things!
@@^_^ Actually there have been found a number
of light skinned, fair-haired mummies at the "top of
the world". And, even now, if you look carefully, you
can find a few people who don't quite seem to fit
the ethnic "standards". Beside,I'm assuming the
Amazon nation is based on ideology
and survives by strengthening the gene-pool with
adoption.
<SNIP>
with his left hand, the long blond hair and tatoo
easily
recognizable despite having been peeled from the
living skull.
BOY: Um... no, her cheeks weren't quite so wide,
and....
@@LOL!
<SNIP>
with spear and sword and arrow. And striking, die.
Each
warrior as helpless against the emerald fire as a
naked infant
Suggest: warrior was as helpless
@@ How about::
Sick at heart Adalwolfa watched her Amazons strike
with spear and sword and arrow, and striking,
die--each
warrior as helpless against the emerald fire as a
naked infant
(I dragged my wife out of her sick bed for this one.
^_^)
<SNIP>
And as she left the very last temple, the clouds
suddenly opened, and a
booming voice called out, "FORGET IT, LADY. HE'S
TOAST!"
@@ROTFLOL!!!
It's a good thing I didn't have you pre-read this.
I'd have gone off in a much different direction.
{Oh my, I'm getting a VERY strange picture
in my head.}
Everyday his breathing was a little more
labored.
Every day
(As one word, this is used as an adjective, e.g.
"This was not your
everyday Japanese kid.")
@@<sigh> What can I say? I know
how it's _supposed_ to read. Stupid
WP keeps putting down what I type
instead of what I mean.
<SNIP>
declaring that his fate was beyond modern medicine.
And
perhaps beyond even the help of the gods.
And besides, the kid didn't have insurance.
@@LOL!!!
Tell you what, why don't you write a
comedy based on this? I'd try, but
I'm laughing too much to type. ^_^
<SNIP>
"Your prayer will be answered!"
"Really?"
"Yup. The answer is... no! Sorry about that!"
@@<eeeeeeeeeee> Stop, my sides hurt. ^_*
(I may never be able to get back in the mood
to FINISH this darn thing.)
<SNIP>
son, she
The future prime minister of Japan returned
the hug
weakly as the rising sun filled the room with a
ruddy light, like
new spilled blood. A new day had come to
Hiroshima.
*life*
And the second seal shattered.
A few days later, the kid was flattened by a bus. Go
figure.
WOMAN: Hey! He said it was 1894!
ME: Oh. Accidentally stabbed to death, then.
WOMAN: That's better.
@@ROTFOTDLOL.
<SNIP>
"Let me help you with that Oneesama." Akane
started
to her feet, only to be waved back.
KASUMI: That won't be necessary. I can handle this
Oneesama by myself,
thank you.
AKANE: This is how missing commas can cause trouble.
@@Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries:
Have you seen this comma? Last seen running
from a small North Carolina home.
"No work for the birthday girl," Nabiki smiled
girl." (again)
sardonically from her position holding up the wall.
"This is
_your_ day."
NABBY: The *other* three hundred and sixty-four,
you'll be doing *all*
the housework.
@@^_^ (which, coincidentally is pretty
much the attitude I thought she'd have. )
<SNIP>
inside a Klein bottle during a storm at sea. "Did
you bake this
Akane?"she asked in a mildly accusing tone.
RANMA: Of course not! This Akane was baked long
before I showed up!
(MIssing comma, and need a space before 'she')
@@Mea Culpa.
(Although it fits well with a story a friend
of mine is working on. Haute Cuisine and
necrophilia. It's pretty funny, if it ever
gets finished.)
"Aaaaaak!" Ryouga wrenched free of Ranma's
hold
and made a desperate grab for the thing in Kasumi's
hands.
"T . . .that's mine," he stuttered. "Ummmm . .
.it's for you," he
said blushingly, thrusting what was now revealed to
be a
Suggest: he said, blushing,
(Presumably the blushing refers to the way he
looked, rather than to his
manner of speaking?)
@@Oooops. ^_^;;;;;
She . . .she touched me, Ryouga thought,
weeping tears
of joy. Now I can die a happy man.
A bit extreme for him, IMO. This is Ryoga, not
Gosunkugi.
@@Extreme? For Ryouga? I guess it's a matter
of interpretation. I always saw Ryouga as a
rather obsessive, not to say pathological,
personality.
Of course Ranma 1 / 2 IS a comedy. (I thought
I recalled Ryouga worrying about his "heart
of glass" breaking at least once or twice
in the Anime at least.) And he seemed, to me,
to have some rather severe swings of emotion.
<SNIP>
closer. This would be even better than the time he
hit her
shiatsu sleep-spot, or when he used the dream
incense, or that
time at the hot-springs , or . . .
Well, he should hope so. Because every one of those
times, Ranma chased
him off before he could do anything. :)
@@Exactly. ^_* (well, actually Akane
clobbered him in her sleep during the
shiatsu sleep-spot) But Ranma
did try.
<SNIP>
All he had to do was touch Akane with the
"Staff of
Eros" and she would fall madly in love with him.
Almost
And he right away went to use it on her? With so
many beautiful women in
the world, that's awfully decisive for him. :)
@@Well, if he were using it on OTHER women
it wouldn't advance the plot of THIS story, now would
it? (Besides, the "many beautiful women in the world"
have never stopped him from going after
Akane or Ranma in the past. And getting
clobbered for it.
<SNIP>
Maybe
well," came
if she snuck up on the sucker? Tofu was tricky.
KASUMI: [dreamy look] Oh, I know.
AKANE: That's not what I meant!
@@<ohhhh> Stop. I hurt from laughing.
<SNIP>
indicated someone was in the room. It
had taken
her two hours to figure out how to pull the plug on
the darn
thing. And she'd only charged Akane three hundred
yen for the
Suggest: how to get the batteries out of the darn
thing. (I mean, c'mon,
now. Any idiot knows how to pull a plug. Of course,
Akane could've
simply smashed it, or buried it six feet deep....)
@@I wasn't using "pull the plug" in
a literal sense. There is no actual plug.
It's got a small thorium nuclear
battery. (good for 8 years before
it needs to be refueled)
"Nihao Airen!"
"Nihao, Airen!"
"Shan Pu bring too, too good lunch."
AKANE: Two? Then give one to me.
SHAN: I say two two. That make four.
@@I give up. I'm NEVER going to
be able to get back in the right frame
of mind to finish this thing. (Hmmm,
maybe if I slam my head in the door?)
<SNIP>
"FIANCEE!!!"
"FIANCE!!!" (Only one e when it's a male)
@@My WP, for what ever reason, cuts off the terminal
"E" when cut/paste to ASCII. I try to remember to do a
global search and replace before posting but sometimes
I forget. :(
Ukyou gave a tremendous heave and Shan Pu
broke
suction with a wet popping sound. Flipping neatly
through the
air the amorous Amazon landed on her feet, facing
the
air, the
obstreperous okonomiyaki chef.
(consults dictionary) Um... yeah, okay. Just
checking. :)
@@I may not be able to spell, but I know
what they mean. (usually) ^_^
<SNIP>
Ukyou countered with her battle spatula held
high over
her head in both hands, the blade slanting down
behind her
back in what looked like a modified "molinello"
stance. The
apparent opening was offset by the tremendous power
of the
stance. It was also an attempt to lure the Amazon
into an
attack. As soon as Shan Pu thrust, Ukyou would
counter with a
time-cut to her leading arm to remove the offending
limb and
follow that with a return cut to her head that, if
successful,
would leave Shan Pu staring back at her own body
from
several feet away.
_ If_ she were serious.
A little reluctantly Ukyou decided using the
edge
_might_ be just a tad extreme. At least with so
many
witnesses. She would have to be satisfied with just
hurting the
little tart. Repeatedly.
Eep. I mean, I like to piss off the Ukyo fanboys as
much as anyone, but
this is rather extreme for her. Suggest taking out
the de-limbing and
decapitating references, unless you *want* to
develop Ukyo goes killer
as a significant part of your story.
@@You'll have to wait and see on that one.
HOWEVER . . .thinking about murder does NOT
mean you actually ARE a murderer. Recall that
Ukyou ostensively spent TEN years (some of them
battling the raging seas) on a quest for vengeance.
She's shown (in a comedic manner) on several
occasions her willingness to do almost anything
to eliminate the competition. It's not unreasonable,
IMO, for Ukyou to at least spend a _moment_
daydreaming about removing some of the more
important bits-and-pieces from a rival, w/o
actually intending to do so. (unless she thought
she could get away with it.) It's an exaggeration
of course.
OTOH, Ukyou walks around with a pole-arm
better suited to beheading an ox than making
okonomiyaki. And a bandoleer of "throwing spatulas".
THROWING spatulas? Gunpowder mixed in
tempura flakes? Bombs at weddings?
<SNIP>
"SILICON!" Shan Pu half-shrieked in outrage.
"What
you saying?" Replacing her knives Shan Pu stomped
to within
SHAN: Word is SILICONE! Ha ha! Stupid girl no speak
very well Japlish!
@@Hmmm, my spell-check says "silicon".
Or are you saying Shan Pu's "cones" are silly? ^_*
<SNIP>
"Fortunately she out grew the nightmares at
about the
same time she stopped wetting the bed."
"Kasumiiiii!" Akane hissed, blushing
furiously.
KASUMI: Oh, Akane, that was a long time ago! Nearly
three years!
@@^_^
(another reader had the same idea. Only they used
"last week"
as I recall.
<SNIP>
End Chapter 1
Hokay, let's step back and look at the forest rather
than all of these
trees. :)
The story seems like it's going somewhere very
interesting; however,
it's taking an awful long time to get there. The
stuff with the
necromancer and the dying son are both interesting
enough to stand on
their own, but they're (presumably) not what the
story's about, and at
the end of the first chapter we're still only barely
getting into it.
@@Well, the entire thing is at 512KB (Word Perfect,
slightly
less in ASCII) It's not really cut into "chapters" as
such.
It's my understanding that some people have trouble
with files larger than 30-40KB, so I'm splitting it up
into chunks on that basis.
However EVERY thing in the first of the story
is essential (at least I hope so) for the rest of the
story. It a set up for the entire story plus it gives
clues for figuring out what's going on or what
will/might happen. (again, I hope)
So what would I suggest? Well, cut the stock Ranma
interactions down to
bare minimum. Introduce the new element (the thingy
that is no longer a
lantern) with a minimum of other distraction.
Another idea, which may
not be workable but I'll throw it out for
consideration anyway, would be
to put the two backstory segments (Zhang and Mother
Whatsername) in
between blocks of present-day Ranma story in which
Akane's power-up is
introduced, so that the readers don't have to wait a
whole chapter for
the introduction of the main conflict.
That's my 2 yen on this one. Hope to see more
whenever it's ready.
@@Actually, that's what I did. I almost cut the
chapter earlier, at the end of the Amazon's, so
it would be under 30KB. I decided it would be
better to at least introduce the Ranma cast.
You're right. It does look/feel unbalanced.
All the chapters are going to be more than
a little unbalanced if I'm going to get them
in under 40K. :(
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
@@As always I appreciate all the time and effort
you spent C&Cing. (It's a lot harder than just
writing.) Assuming I can stop laughing
every time I look at BF, I should finish
the last little bit by Wed. (Of course
I've never been right yet on a deadline)
If my proof-reader ever quits complaining
about how she's burning up with fever, or
whining about the fluid in her lungs I'll chain
her to the key-board and get her to proof
the next "chapter" and send it out.
{Boy, a little walking-pneumonia and
all you get are complaints. Next she'll be
wanting antibiotics and another bowl of
gruel)
OH, BTW . . .I haven't forgotten
"I'm a Guy".
Still working on it.
Just trying to figure out a way
around the _very_ annoying
and clumsy method I was using
to refer to Akane/Ranma. [One suggestion
I had was to do it in HTML and post
only on the web-page] Once I figure
that out I'll be back to work. (I've got
about 30-40% of chp. 2 done.) AND
I know where the whole thing is going.
@@Hmmm, the Wolfhound just vanished into
a snow drift. Better go dig her out.
Thanks again for the C&C. Hope you like
the rest of the story. (will try to get another
chapter
out today if I can get it proofed)
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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