Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma][alt][fusion]MA&M: 3rd Edition [5]
From: "James M. Zema" <zema@uakron.edu>
Date: 11/13/2000, 4:30 PM
To: Thryth , ffml@fanfic.com

Normally I don't like fusions, but this one is exceptionally well done

for that variety of fanfic.  And the fact that it's more of a change

in their environment as opposed to a fusion with a complete story helps

considerably.



I'm not sure how much time I have, but I'll try and do a little solid

C&C before sending this.  I really should get in the habit of doing

this as I read a story.  As a note, I haven't gotten the chance to

read any other C&C on this, so there might be some repeated corrections.



Thryth wrote:



   "Nabiki Tendo I...have need of your services," Kuno



"Nabiki Tendo, I...  (he's addressing her)



said reluctantly.

   "Oh really Little-Kuno?" Nabiki asked without



really, Little-Kuno?"  (again)



looking up from the tome of beauty secrets she had

taken borrowed from the Hall's library.  "What do you

need this time?"



"taken borrowed" should probably be reduced to one word or have a

slash added, i.e., taken/borrowed.  It doesn't quite look right as

is.



   The last time Kuno had hired her it was to identify

the "demonic beast" that had been "ravaging the Kuno

stores."  It had taken Nabiki all of two minutes and

no magic to find the raccoon tracks.  Moderately

insulting, but at least it was an easy job.



Heh.  Not bad :)



   "Yesterday I found myself presented with a fierce

demoness," Kuno started.  The Xellos priestess

immediately started choking.  "Is something wrong,

Lady Tendo?"  Nabiki took a big breath to clear her

throat and assembled herself to answer the swordsman.



"assembled" herself doesn't really sound right here, you might

want to try "collected"  Priestess of Xellos would probably

sound better too.  Otherwise it should probably be something

like Xellosian or something.



   "I just breathed in some dust is all," Nabiki

assured him.  "Which demoness was this Little-Kuno?"



this, Little-Kuno?"



   "She had crimson hair, like blood pooling in the

darkness," Kuno explained.  "Worn short in a pigtail,

with an elegant sleeveless tunic that left her dark

wings free to move."

   "Oh that demoness," Nabiki said.  ~I'd have thought

he'd forget that part.~  "I know her."

   "Nabiki Tendo," Kuno declared.  "Can this be true!?

 Do you also make a practice of summoning fiends for

your purposes?"

   "Let's not leap too far here Little-Kuno," Nabiki



here, Little-Kuno,"  (you should probably go through your

fics and check for this)



insisted.  "I've seen her once or twice, I know where

she...lairs why?"  Kuno sat down, unrolled a scroll,



I would suggest making the "why?" a separate sentence.



and hastily began writing.

   ~If she thinks that she can defeat the great Sir

Kuno and simply walk away,~ Kuno thought while

chuckling evilly.  ~Then she thinks wrongly.~  He

stood up sharply and presented the newly written

message.  "Here..."

   Nabiki looked at the message and considered it

briefly before taking the envelope, and a few coins

besides.

*******

   "This is for me?" Ranma blinked as he held the

message.

   "To the 'fierce demoness' he said," Nabiki

clarified.  "You've really got is imagination working.



is=his



 I don't even think he knows you're the same person."

   "'Meet me in the second field of Furinkan Hall,'"

Ranma read aloud.

   "Sounds like a duel, huh?" Akane said calmly from

behind Ranma.

   "Little-Kuno just hates to lose!" Nabiki added.

She had suspected something like this, it was a good

chance.  She still didn't want to risk casting a spell

directly over Ranma to detect anything, it might tip

him off, but she could always examine behavior.

   "Vengeful, hmm?" Akane said, trying not to sound a

little concerned.  If Ranma wanted to rush his way

straight into trouble it was no problem of hers.

Ranma crushed the letter and tossed it back with a

determined look on his face.

*******



Having a line or two between the paragraphs and these scene

breaks might look a little better.



   Nabiki stretched as she stood up and started to

walk for the monastery exit.

   "Oh, Nabiki," Kasumi's voice called out.

   "Yeah?" the middle Tendo turned to face her sister.



"Yeah?"  The middle Tendo turned...  The words and action are

unrelated.



   "I need you to do a small favor for me," the

priestess of Belldandy told her.

   ~Well its a couple of hours yet until Ranma's

duel,~ Nabiki considered.  "Sure, what is it?"

   "I need you to check the wards about the grounds."

   "B..but that'll take all day!" Nabiki protested.

"If I start right away!"

   "I know," Kasumi said regrettfully.  "But it needs

to be done, and I have my own duties to attend to."

   "What about Akane?" Nabiki suggested.  Kasumi

looked at her.  "Right, forget I suggested it.  I'll

get started."

   "Thank you, Nabiki," Kasumi said cheerfully before

walking out, on her way to her goddess's temple.

   "What wonderful timing," Nabiki muttered.  She

considered just leaving to see Kuno's duel with Ranma

anyway, but that would leave her caught in a direct

lie, probably the worst thing she could do.  ~I wonder

if Kasumi even knows how neat a little trap this is.~



That's the nice things about Pantheons, you choose the god with

the morals which fit most closely to your own ;)



   "Give it up pal," Ranma smirked, he channeled a

small stream of power into the roses.  The vibrant

colors of the plants faded and withered in moments as

the cold energy surrounded Ranma's hand.  "A pervert

like you ain't got a chance with me that way."  She

resisted the urge to shift out of human form, here,

where anyone could see her.



Just to check, since I don't really have time to go back and read

the other chapters again (I had trouble fitting this in) but when

exactly did Kuno get labeled perverted?  Frankly, I would think a

succumbus (even a good one) would have a slightly broader definition

of that word.  Would actually help to branch the story line out

from canon Ranma too if Ranma wasn't totally adverse to the

attentions.



   Ranma tossed the browned flowers at the swordsman,

the roses distintegrated before reaching him.  Then

Ranma left, leaping away before Kuno could react.

   "Such is the nature of the spell binding her to

this place," Kuno sighed as the wind continued to

blow.



Aside from my comments above, I did like the decaying roses bit.



*******

   Master Tofu walked away from the home of his last

patient and rubbed his chin.  The condition of the

young man wasn't serious, and he had quite honestly

told a concerned parent that he would be fine with a

few days rest.  It was the apparent cause of the

patient's weakened stupor that bothered him.

   His life force had been drained, and that meant

problems.  The draining had been fairly gentle, and

only a small amount had been taken.  In fact it seemed

as if whoever had done was trying to avoid seriously



whoever had done it was



   "Welcome home at last, Ranma," a guttural voice

growled out as Ranma glanced about and recognized,

from description and ancestral memory, the Abyss.  "We

have a lot of work for you to do..."

*******

   Ranma-Chan snapped awake screaming, a sound that



I would suggest using lowercase for -chan, it looks better 

in my opinion.



was quickly shut off as he recognized her



he=she



surroundings.  The panda was even asleep next to her,

never even having heard his daughter.

   "A..a dream," she realized trying to catch her



"A...a dream,"  Three dots for an ellipsis



breath.

   Ranma hoped nobody had caught her transforming in

the middle of the dream, but thought she was probably

safe.  She recalled the nobleman's confession

yesterday and shivered.

   Somebody like that might just piss her off enough

to do it, and then where would she be?  What would

make her different from all the soul-sucking monsters

that she was related to?



Mitigating circumstances? :)



*******

   "Hey!" Akane snapped at Ranma.  "Save some for the

rest of us!"

   "You have quiet an appetite this morning,



quiet=quite



Ranma-kun," Kasumi noted as Ranma started on his third

rack of lamb.

   "I skipped a meal yesterday," Ranma noted.  Nabiki

arched an eyebrow.

*******

   "You look tired," Akane commented to Ranma-Kun as



Again, this is just preference, but I think leaving the suffixes

like -kun, -chan, -san, etc... lower case looks a bit better.



   Nabiki watched from an upper window and tapped her

chin.  From what she knew, Ranma could handle Kuno

easily, however effective Kuno's ring was.

   "Very interesting," Nabiki said to herself.  "What

did happen at that duel."



"What happened at that duel?" sounds a little bit smoother,

and either way there should be a question mark.



*******

   Ranma chided himself for teleporting like that, not

only did it attract attention, it was damn tiring.  He

did have to avoid Kuno though.  He couldn't trust

himself not to get angry around the nobleman.  He

didn't want to deal with those problems at the moment,

he didn't want to risk the chance that the nightmare

was more accurate than other dreams.



Probably "than his other dreams."  In this world, I don't see why

there wouldn't be prophetic dreams for those with the right talents.



   The martial artist left his temporary shelter and

glanced back at the unconscious form of Kuno before

moving to catch up with Akane.  The girl turned to

glare at her as came up to match her pace.



as he came



   "If you're going to get into my fights," Akane

snapped.  "Don't leave when the real trouble starts."

   "I'd rather not see Kuno right now," Ranma

grumbled.

   "Oh, did you lose your duel?" Akane asked sharply.



"needled" might sound better than "asked sharply" here.



   "There wasn't a duel!" Ranma retorted.  "He gave me

flowers and confessed his love for me."  Ranma

shivered at the thought.

   "Kuno is in love with your girl side?" Akane asked

before breaking out in laughter.

   "Hey, what's so funny about that?" Ranma demanded,

not really understanding the joke at all.

   "Well you're a man," Akane said.  "Aren't you?"

   "Uh...yep, that's right," Ranma nod quickly.



Ranma nodded quickly.



"What, do I look like a girl to you?"

   "Not at the moment," Akane smirked. ~But I'm

beginning to wonder.~



I would have by this time too :)  I like this aspect of the story.



*******

   Nabiki leaned back to sip the wine from her goblet

before leaning forward to begin reading again.  Before

she could, a stuffed panda toy landed on the book in

front of her.  Nabiki sighed and wondered if Kuno

would ever learn humility and manners before various

people and gods finally got fed up with him.

   "What's this?" Nabiki asked.

   "A present," came the simple answer from behind

her.

   ~A present?  These things are hard to come by,~

Nabiki thought.  She felt the cloth, filled with some

soft material to give form and make it cozy as a

pillow.  ~Generally people like me have to settle for

carved wooden dolls.~  "Why thank you, Little-Kuno.

That was..."

   "Did I offer it to you Nabiki Tendo?" Kuno

demanded.

   The world suddenly blackened around the priestess

of Xellos, the few people around noticed her sudden



I would suggest splitting this sentence into two.

   "Xellos.  The few people..."



change in mood and discreetly found somewhere else to

be.  The few people with intelligences beyond that of

a goblin idiot anyway.

   "This gift is for the pig-tailed demon," Kuno



demoness.  Although, if Nabiki thinks it's for Ranma's male

side that would make for a better reason for the spit take.

In the original, Nabiki wasn't really that surprised, she ended

up spitting on Kuno because she thought it was funny.  This

Nabiki should be even more on top of things than the original.



declared.  Nabiki's eyes popped wide as she spit her

wine in Kuno's face.

   "Now look at what you made me do," Nabiki growled.

   "What I made you do?" Kuno repeated in disbelief.

   Nabiki smirked and plopped a small square of

embroidered silk on the table.  Kuno frowned and

picked it up in curiousity.  Immediately he was

greeted with a minirature image of Ranma-chan bathing.



miniature



 Of course the action was bolstered by Nabiki's

imagination to boost the sellability of it.



I'm not sure if sellability is actually a word, you might want

to go with value.



   "It'll last about a week," Nabiki said.

   "Ohhh!" Kuno gasped as he watched the illusion

sensuously clean herself.  "She is

so...so...so...thorough."

   "She really does love those hot baths," Nabiki

snickered.  "Three hundred gold, you want it?"

   "For a mere week you charge three hundred!" Kuno

demanded.

   "You want something permanent," Nabiki said.



When you split these statements into two sentences, instead of

something like 'permanent," Nabiki said, "you'll' it really

interrupts the flow for me.



"You'll have to pay me a lot more than that."  That

was a lot more effort.

   "Done!" Kuno said, he set a small jewel on the

table and continued.  "I'll buy this one for now."

   "So what are you planning to do about my sister?"

Nabiki asked.

   "What is there 'to do' about her?" Kuno asked,

seriously.

   "You can't be thinking about copying Tenchi,"

Nabiki asked, eyes narrowed.



I just can't see the Tenchi cast as gods no matter how hard I

try :)  It's better than making up gods wholesale though.



   "Of course," Kuno said in rebuttal.  "Imitation is

the greatest form of flattery.  And both women are in

desperate need of rescuing from the vile Saotome,"

Kuno declared.  Nabiki stared at him for a moment.

   "Let me get something straight, Little-Kuno,"

Nabiki said.

   "Certainly," Kuno nodded.

   "You know she is a demon," Nabiki started, Kuno

nodded.  "She tried to put you in coma the last time



in a coma



you saw each other."  Kuno nodded again.  "And you are

STILL want her?"



you STILL  (no "are")



   "Of course," Kuno answered.  "She is bound to this

world to do Ranma Saotome's bidding.  In truth she

seems to me merely a demon in skin and not soul.

Certainly she shall see my greatness for what it is

and take her rightful place with Akane and I, as soon

as I have brought the demoness to understand the power

of the light."

   "And you think a stuffed panda is an appropriate

gift to do that?" Nabiki asked.  ~I didn't even know

he knew what a panda was.~

   "Of course," Kuno insisted.  "It is the heart of

the matter that is important, not the body of it.  At

any rate, it is bear, I know not what manner of beast



is a bear



   "Saotome," a voice behind him drawled.  Ranma froze

and turned around slowly.

   "Kuno, I don't want to..." Ranma caught the stuffed

panda as Kuno and stared at it.  "Hey, this is kind



panda from Kuno, or panda as Kuno threw it to him /  Or something

like that anyway.



   "No problem," he said shrugging.  ~Damn, that

almost hit me,~ Ranma thought.  ~That would have

been...~ Another splash of water dropped onto him and

Ranma, now female, groaned.  She took a moment to way

off keeping the act up and then imagined what Akane



"weigh off keeping" or maybe "weigh whether to keep the"



might do to her if she found out.  ~This is just

annoying, I can handle it.~

   ~Never see her again...~ Kuno continued thinking,



Ranma didn't say "Never see her again", he said that Kuno should

stop chasing her or it would be painful.  This seemed to me like

you were trying to follow canon too closely.



on the edge of processing the sentence.  He rushed

after the man he perceived as the tormentor of his

loves.  "What do you mean?!  Ranma Saotome!"  The

pig-tailed adventurer was no where to be seen.

   "So!  Quick to run, are you?" he slashed out and

struck down a a tree.  He turned at the sound of



duplicated "a"



someone thumping into the ground.

   "Ohhh!" Ranma-chan shouted in surprise, as she hit

the ground, presenting warding figures with her hands.

   "You...you're...the demoness!" Kuno gasped in

surprise.  He dropped to his knees, arms extended to

hug the red-headed girl.  "How I've missed y-*"

   "Back off!" Ranma snapped from her seated position,

fist in the jerk's face.  It stopped Kuno for all of a

second.

   "I shall never let you go!" Kuno shouted as he

glomped onto the irritated young woman, who briefly,

valiently and futilely fought against fainting.  Kuno

held her out as he felt her go limp and then shook

her.  "Oh she is overcome by the power of my



"Oh, she is..."



presence."

   ~Can't have that now, can we,~ Nabiki thought as

she walked up behind Ranma, Kuno didn't even seem to

notice until she upended a kettle over the redheads



red-head's head



head.  When there was no sudden cry of pain.  ~I would



This sentence just kind of hangs there, putting in a "she

thought, ~" might be necessary.



   ~Not quite surprised,~ Nabiki sighed.  "I guess

we'll have to spell it out to him.  Okay, Little-Kuno,

this is the facts.  That demon-woman, Her body, her



Ranma isn't a god.  Her should be lowercase.



soul, belong to him.  Do you know what I mean?"

   There was an audible sound as Kuno's mind leaped to

various conclusions.

   ~I knew about the spell,~ Kuno thought.  ~But her

soul AND her body!?~  He whirled on Ranma, slashing



You should put the most important second, as it's emphasized.

In this case I would think it's the soul.



outward with a strike Ranma almost casually leaped

over.  "TYRANT!!"  This time Nabiki saw a flash of

black power as Ranma landed on the nearest tree, and

crouched, as if the tree were a level floor.

   "I don't think you've got it!" Ranma shouted.

   "Silence!  I can see it, though demon."



no comma



*******

   A scantily clad Ranma-succubus abased herself

before a bestial Ranma-kun.

*******

   "HEY!  I don't look like that!!" Ranma shouted.

"And HOW could ANYONE mix THOSE colors?!"

   "Don't break in on my imagination!!" Kuno demanded.



Heh, I liked this.



   ~Akane?~ Ranma blinked as Akane stared down at him.

 For a brief moment she looked worried, then she

started to frown.  ~She was worried about me?!~  Ranma

resisted the urge to preen, any more than usual

anyway.



Nice touch.



   "Doesn't even itch," Ranma lied, just before Akane

poked him.  Funny thing about overly reactive senses,



You might want to reword "overly reactive senses", perhaps

"enhanced senses" or something similar.



   "Akane," Nabiki started.  "That one

wasn't...nevermind."  The air was filled with

screaming as a red glowing hammer began bashing Ranma

and a raging priestess helped it by folding him about.



When I first read this, I thought Nabiki was about to get attacked.

I was actually rather confused when she bashed Ranma, then a bit

dissappointed when I realized it wasn't just a mistype.





All told, I've enjoyed this series quite a bit.  I'll look forward

to seeing more of it in the future.



=====

"Caffeinated Kender?  What's that, a berserk spell?" -

Tribble, Kender Warrior of the Celestial Kingdom

"God has to have a sense of humor, it's the only explanation for sex." - my father

"I have to write a how-to paper for class, so I'm writing a paper on how to be psuedo-evil." - my brother



http://members.aol.com/thrythlind/snake.html



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-- Sincerely, James M. Zema President, Akron Animation Association Personal Webpage: http://uakron.edu/~zema/ Tri-A Webpage: http://www.uakron.edu/tria/ Tri-A Mailing List: tri-a@egroups.com Tri-A Officers: tria-officers@egroups.com
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