Normally I don't like fusions, but this one is exceptionally well done
for that variety of fanfic. And the fact that it's more of a change
in their environment as opposed to a fusion with a complete story helps
considerably.
I'm not sure how much time I have, but I'll try and do a little solid
C&C before sending this. I really should get in the habit of doing
this as I read a story. As a note, I haven't gotten the chance to
read any other C&C on this, so there might be some repeated corrections.
Thryth wrote:
"Nabiki Tendo I...have need of your services," Kuno
"Nabiki Tendo, I... (he's addressing her)
said reluctantly.
"Oh really Little-Kuno?" Nabiki asked without
really, Little-Kuno?" (again)
looking up from the tome of beauty secrets she had
taken borrowed from the Hall's library. "What do you
need this time?"
"taken borrowed" should probably be reduced to one word or have a
slash added, i.e., taken/borrowed. It doesn't quite look right as
is.
The last time Kuno had hired her it was to identify
the "demonic beast" that had been "ravaging the Kuno
stores." It had taken Nabiki all of two minutes and
no magic to find the raccoon tracks. Moderately
insulting, but at least it was an easy job.
Heh. Not bad :)
"Yesterday I found myself presented with a fierce
demoness," Kuno started. The Xellos priestess
immediately started choking. "Is something wrong,
Lady Tendo?" Nabiki took a big breath to clear her
throat and assembled herself to answer the swordsman.
"assembled" herself doesn't really sound right here, you might
want to try "collected" Priestess of Xellos would probably
sound better too. Otherwise it should probably be something
like Xellosian or something.
"I just breathed in some dust is all," Nabiki
assured him. "Which demoness was this Little-Kuno?"
this, Little-Kuno?"
"She had crimson hair, like blood pooling in the
darkness," Kuno explained. "Worn short in a pigtail,
with an elegant sleeveless tunic that left her dark
wings free to move."
"Oh that demoness," Nabiki said. ~I'd have thought
he'd forget that part.~ "I know her."
"Nabiki Tendo," Kuno declared. "Can this be true!?
Do you also make a practice of summoning fiends for
your purposes?"
"Let's not leap too far here Little-Kuno," Nabiki
here, Little-Kuno," (you should probably go through your
fics and check for this)
insisted. "I've seen her once or twice, I know where
she...lairs why?" Kuno sat down, unrolled a scroll,
I would suggest making the "why?" a separate sentence.
and hastily began writing.
~If she thinks that she can defeat the great Sir
Kuno and simply walk away,~ Kuno thought while
chuckling evilly. ~Then she thinks wrongly.~ He
stood up sharply and presented the newly written
message. "Here..."
Nabiki looked at the message and considered it
briefly before taking the envelope, and a few coins
besides.
*******
"This is for me?" Ranma blinked as he held the
message.
"To the 'fierce demoness' he said," Nabiki
clarified. "You've really got is imagination working.
is=his
I don't even think he knows you're the same person."
"'Meet me in the second field of Furinkan Hall,'"
Ranma read aloud.
"Sounds like a duel, huh?" Akane said calmly from
behind Ranma.
"Little-Kuno just hates to lose!" Nabiki added.
She had suspected something like this, it was a good
chance. She still didn't want to risk casting a spell
directly over Ranma to detect anything, it might tip
him off, but she could always examine behavior.
"Vengeful, hmm?" Akane said, trying not to sound a
little concerned. If Ranma wanted to rush his way
straight into trouble it was no problem of hers.
Ranma crushed the letter and tossed it back with a
determined look on his face.
*******
Having a line or two between the paragraphs and these scene
breaks might look a little better.
Nabiki stretched as she stood up and started to
walk for the monastery exit.
"Oh, Nabiki," Kasumi's voice called out.
"Yeah?" the middle Tendo turned to face her sister.
"Yeah?" The middle Tendo turned... The words and action are
unrelated.
"I need you to do a small favor for me," the
priestess of Belldandy told her.
~Well its a couple of hours yet until Ranma's
duel,~ Nabiki considered. "Sure, what is it?"
"I need you to check the wards about the grounds."
"B..but that'll take all day!" Nabiki protested.
"If I start right away!"
"I know," Kasumi said regrettfully. "But it needs
to be done, and I have my own duties to attend to."
"What about Akane?" Nabiki suggested. Kasumi
looked at her. "Right, forget I suggested it. I'll
get started."
"Thank you, Nabiki," Kasumi said cheerfully before
walking out, on her way to her goddess's temple.
"What wonderful timing," Nabiki muttered. She
considered just leaving to see Kuno's duel with Ranma
anyway, but that would leave her caught in a direct
lie, probably the worst thing she could do. ~I wonder
if Kasumi even knows how neat a little trap this is.~
That's the nice things about Pantheons, you choose the god with
the morals which fit most closely to your own ;)
"Give it up pal," Ranma smirked, he channeled a
small stream of power into the roses. The vibrant
colors of the plants faded and withered in moments as
the cold energy surrounded Ranma's hand. "A pervert
like you ain't got a chance with me that way." She
resisted the urge to shift out of human form, here,
where anyone could see her.
Just to check, since I don't really have time to go back and read
the other chapters again (I had trouble fitting this in) but when
exactly did Kuno get labeled perverted? Frankly, I would think a
succumbus (even a good one) would have a slightly broader definition
of that word. Would actually help to branch the story line out
from canon Ranma too if Ranma wasn't totally adverse to the
attentions.
Ranma tossed the browned flowers at the swordsman,
the roses distintegrated before reaching him. Then
Ranma left, leaping away before Kuno could react.
"Such is the nature of the spell binding her to
this place," Kuno sighed as the wind continued to
blow.
Aside from my comments above, I did like the decaying roses bit.
*******
Master Tofu walked away from the home of his last
patient and rubbed his chin. The condition of the
young man wasn't serious, and he had quite honestly
told a concerned parent that he would be fine with a
few days rest. It was the apparent cause of the
patient's weakened stupor that bothered him.
His life force had been drained, and that meant
problems. The draining had been fairly gentle, and
only a small amount had been taken. In fact it seemed
as if whoever had done was trying to avoid seriously
whoever had done it was
"Welcome home at last, Ranma," a guttural voice
growled out as Ranma glanced about and recognized,
from description and ancestral memory, the Abyss. "We
have a lot of work for you to do..."
*******
Ranma-Chan snapped awake screaming, a sound that
I would suggest using lowercase for -chan, it looks better
in my opinion.
was quickly shut off as he recognized her
he=she
surroundings. The panda was even asleep next to her,
never even having heard his daughter.
"A..a dream," she realized trying to catch her
"A...a dream," Three dots for an ellipsis
breath.
Ranma hoped nobody had caught her transforming in
the middle of the dream, but thought she was probably
safe. She recalled the nobleman's confession
yesterday and shivered.
Somebody like that might just piss her off enough
to do it, and then where would she be? What would
make her different from all the soul-sucking monsters
that she was related to?
Mitigating circumstances? :)
*******
"Hey!" Akane snapped at Ranma. "Save some for the
rest of us!"
"You have quiet an appetite this morning,
quiet=quite
Ranma-kun," Kasumi noted as Ranma started on his third
rack of lamb.
"I skipped a meal yesterday," Ranma noted. Nabiki
arched an eyebrow.
*******
"You look tired," Akane commented to Ranma-Kun as
Again, this is just preference, but I think leaving the suffixes
like -kun, -chan, -san, etc... lower case looks a bit better.
Nabiki watched from an upper window and tapped her
chin. From what she knew, Ranma could handle Kuno
easily, however effective Kuno's ring was.
"Very interesting," Nabiki said to herself. "What
did happen at that duel."
"What happened at that duel?" sounds a little bit smoother,
and either way there should be a question mark.
*******
Ranma chided himself for teleporting like that, not
only did it attract attention, it was damn tiring. He
did have to avoid Kuno though. He couldn't trust
himself not to get angry around the nobleman. He
didn't want to deal with those problems at the moment,
he didn't want to risk the chance that the nightmare
was more accurate than other dreams.
Probably "than his other dreams." In this world, I don't see why
there wouldn't be prophetic dreams for those with the right talents.
The martial artist left his temporary shelter and
glanced back at the unconscious form of Kuno before
moving to catch up with Akane. The girl turned to
glare at her as came up to match her pace.
as he came
"If you're going to get into my fights," Akane
snapped. "Don't leave when the real trouble starts."
"I'd rather not see Kuno right now," Ranma
grumbled.
"Oh, did you lose your duel?" Akane asked sharply.
"needled" might sound better than "asked sharply" here.
"There wasn't a duel!" Ranma retorted. "He gave me
flowers and confessed his love for me." Ranma
shivered at the thought.
"Kuno is in love with your girl side?" Akane asked
before breaking out in laughter.
"Hey, what's so funny about that?" Ranma demanded,
not really understanding the joke at all.
"Well you're a man," Akane said. "Aren't you?"
"Uh...yep, that's right," Ranma nod quickly.
Ranma nodded quickly.
"What, do I look like a girl to you?"
"Not at the moment," Akane smirked. ~But I'm
beginning to wonder.~
I would have by this time too :) I like this aspect of the story.
*******
Nabiki leaned back to sip the wine from her goblet
before leaning forward to begin reading again. Before
she could, a stuffed panda toy landed on the book in
front of her. Nabiki sighed and wondered if Kuno
would ever learn humility and manners before various
people and gods finally got fed up with him.
"What's this?" Nabiki asked.
"A present," came the simple answer from behind
her.
~A present? These things are hard to come by,~
Nabiki thought. She felt the cloth, filled with some
soft material to give form and make it cozy as a
pillow. ~Generally people like me have to settle for
carved wooden dolls.~ "Why thank you, Little-Kuno.
That was..."
"Did I offer it to you Nabiki Tendo?" Kuno
demanded.
The world suddenly blackened around the priestess
of Xellos, the few people around noticed her sudden
I would suggest splitting this sentence into two.
"Xellos. The few people..."
change in mood and discreetly found somewhere else to
be. The few people with intelligences beyond that of
a goblin idiot anyway.
"This gift is for the pig-tailed demon," Kuno
demoness. Although, if Nabiki thinks it's for Ranma's male
side that would make for a better reason for the spit take.
In the original, Nabiki wasn't really that surprised, she ended
up spitting on Kuno because she thought it was funny. This
Nabiki should be even more on top of things than the original.
declared. Nabiki's eyes popped wide as she spit her
wine in Kuno's face.
"Now look at what you made me do," Nabiki growled.
"What I made you do?" Kuno repeated in disbelief.
Nabiki smirked and plopped a small square of
embroidered silk on the table. Kuno frowned and
picked it up in curiousity. Immediately he was
greeted with a minirature image of Ranma-chan bathing.
miniature
Of course the action was bolstered by Nabiki's
imagination to boost the sellability of it.
I'm not sure if sellability is actually a word, you might want
to go with value.
"It'll last about a week," Nabiki said.
"Ohhh!" Kuno gasped as he watched the illusion
sensuously clean herself. "She is
so...so...so...thorough."
"She really does love those hot baths," Nabiki
snickered. "Three hundred gold, you want it?"
"For a mere week you charge three hundred!" Kuno
demanded.
"You want something permanent," Nabiki said.
When you split these statements into two sentences, instead of
something like 'permanent," Nabiki said, "you'll' it really
interrupts the flow for me.
"You'll have to pay me a lot more than that." That
was a lot more effort.
"Done!" Kuno said, he set a small jewel on the
table and continued. "I'll buy this one for now."
"So what are you planning to do about my sister?"
Nabiki asked.
"What is there 'to do' about her?" Kuno asked,
seriously.
"You can't be thinking about copying Tenchi,"
Nabiki asked, eyes narrowed.
I just can't see the Tenchi cast as gods no matter how hard I
try :) It's better than making up gods wholesale though.
"Of course," Kuno said in rebuttal. "Imitation is
the greatest form of flattery. And both women are in
desperate need of rescuing from the vile Saotome,"
Kuno declared. Nabiki stared at him for a moment.
"Let me get something straight, Little-Kuno,"
Nabiki said.
"Certainly," Kuno nodded.
"You know she is a demon," Nabiki started, Kuno
nodded. "She tried to put you in coma the last time
in a coma
you saw each other." Kuno nodded again. "And you are
STILL want her?"
you STILL (no "are")
"Of course," Kuno answered. "She is bound to this
world to do Ranma Saotome's bidding. In truth she
seems to me merely a demon in skin and not soul.
Certainly she shall see my greatness for what it is
and take her rightful place with Akane and I, as soon
as I have brought the demoness to understand the power
of the light."
"And you think a stuffed panda is an appropriate
gift to do that?" Nabiki asked. ~I didn't even know
he knew what a panda was.~
"Of course," Kuno insisted. "It is the heart of
the matter that is important, not the body of it. At
any rate, it is bear, I know not what manner of beast
is a bear
"Saotome," a voice behind him drawled. Ranma froze
and turned around slowly.
"Kuno, I don't want to..." Ranma caught the stuffed
panda as Kuno and stared at it. "Hey, this is kind
panda from Kuno, or panda as Kuno threw it to him / Or something
like that anyway.
"No problem," he said shrugging. ~Damn, that
almost hit me,~ Ranma thought. ~That would have
been...~ Another splash of water dropped onto him and
Ranma, now female, groaned. She took a moment to way
off keeping the act up and then imagined what Akane
"weigh off keeping" or maybe "weigh whether to keep the"
might do to her if she found out. ~This is just
annoying, I can handle it.~
~Never see her again...~ Kuno continued thinking,
Ranma didn't say "Never see her again", he said that Kuno should
stop chasing her or it would be painful. This seemed to me like
you were trying to follow canon too closely.
on the edge of processing the sentence. He rushed
after the man he perceived as the tormentor of his
loves. "What do you mean?! Ranma Saotome!" The
pig-tailed adventurer was no where to be seen.
"So! Quick to run, are you?" he slashed out and
struck down a a tree. He turned at the sound of
duplicated "a"
someone thumping into the ground.
"Ohhh!" Ranma-chan shouted in surprise, as she hit
the ground, presenting warding figures with her hands.
"You...you're...the demoness!" Kuno gasped in
surprise. He dropped to his knees, arms extended to
hug the red-headed girl. "How I've missed y-*"
"Back off!" Ranma snapped from her seated position,
fist in the jerk's face. It stopped Kuno for all of a
second.
"I shall never let you go!" Kuno shouted as he
glomped onto the irritated young woman, who briefly,
valiently and futilely fought against fainting. Kuno
held her out as he felt her go limp and then shook
her. "Oh she is overcome by the power of my
"Oh, she is..."
presence."
~Can't have that now, can we,~ Nabiki thought as
she walked up behind Ranma, Kuno didn't even seem to
notice until she upended a kettle over the redheads
red-head's head
head. When there was no sudden cry of pain. ~I would
This sentence just kind of hangs there, putting in a "she
thought, ~" might be necessary.
~Not quite surprised,~ Nabiki sighed. "I guess
we'll have to spell it out to him. Okay, Little-Kuno,
this is the facts. That demon-woman, Her body, her
Ranma isn't a god. Her should be lowercase.
soul, belong to him. Do you know what I mean?"
There was an audible sound as Kuno's mind leaped to
various conclusions.
~I knew about the spell,~ Kuno thought. ~But her
soul AND her body!?~ He whirled on Ranma, slashing
You should put the most important second, as it's emphasized.
In this case I would think it's the soul.
outward with a strike Ranma almost casually leaped
over. "TYRANT!!" This time Nabiki saw a flash of
black power as Ranma landed on the nearest tree, and
crouched, as if the tree were a level floor.
"I don't think you've got it!" Ranma shouted.
"Silence! I can see it, though demon."
no comma
*******
A scantily clad Ranma-succubus abased herself
before a bestial Ranma-kun.
*******
"HEY! I don't look like that!!" Ranma shouted.
"And HOW could ANYONE mix THOSE colors?!"
"Don't break in on my imagination!!" Kuno demanded.
Heh, I liked this.
~Akane?~ Ranma blinked as Akane stared down at him.
For a brief moment she looked worried, then she
started to frown. ~She was worried about me?!~ Ranma
resisted the urge to preen, any more than usual
anyway.
Nice touch.
"Doesn't even itch," Ranma lied, just before Akane
poked him. Funny thing about overly reactive senses,
You might want to reword "overly reactive senses", perhaps
"enhanced senses" or something similar.
"Akane," Nabiki started. "That one
wasn't...nevermind." The air was filled with
screaming as a red glowing hammer began bashing Ranma
and a raging priestess helped it by folding him about.
When I first read this, I thought Nabiki was about to get attacked.
I was actually rather confused when she bashed Ranma, then a bit
dissappointed when I realized it wasn't just a mistype.
All told, I've enjoyed this series quite a bit. I'll look forward
to seeing more of it in the future.
=====
"Caffeinated Kender? What's that, a berserk spell?" -
Tribble, Kender Warrior of the Celestial Kingdom
"God has to have a sense of humor, it's the only explanation for sex." - my father
"I have to write a how-to paper for class, so I'm writing a paper on how to be psuedo-evil." - my brother
http://members.aol.com/thrythlind/snake.html
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