Subject: [FFML] Re: [FanFic][Ranma] Saotome's Choice - Chapter 3
From: "James M. Zema" <zema@uakron.edu>
Date: 11/4/2000, 11:58 PM
To: Jeff Smith
CC: Fanfic Mailing List <ffml@fanfic.com>

Over all I thought this chapter was an improvement upon the previous

one's.  The pacing was much better than the first two chapters,

especially the first.  The plot is maturing nicely as well, avoiding

Nodoka trying to turn Ranko into the "perfect" woman is a nice

addition.  As was the dream Ranma had at the begining of the story,

I'm looking forward to seeing if that has any bearing upon what

happens in the future.  I also liked the way you handled Genma here, 

he can be a good source of some fairly idiotic behavior, but people 

tend to over emphasize that at times.



The only thing which really stuck out to me was the dialogue, which 

seemed...uniform.  There wasn't much change between the characters, 

something that was especially noticeable in Kasumi.  I tend to think

of her as much more formal than she's portrayed here, for instance, I

can't really see Kasumi calling Akane or Nabiki "Sis".  "Sister" would

work, but the shortened version seems too abrupt for Kasumi.  Also

when you might want to work on Shampoo's internal monologue a bit, 

she's thinking in pidgin in some places.  The same can be applied to 

where she's speaking in Chinese as well.  On the other hand, despite 

how intelligent Nabiki is, I don't know if she could become fluent in 

Chinese in a couple of years.  I'm mainly going from my own experiences 

trying to learn French and Japanese, but learning a language is a hard 

task that takes a long time.



-- Sincerely, James M. Zema President, Akron Animation Association Personal Webpage: http://uakron.edu/~zema/ Tri-A Webpage: http://www.uakron.edu/tria/ Tri-A Mailing List: tri-a@egroups.com Tri-A Officers: tria-officers@egroups.com
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