Mystery Science Theater 3001 show 102, reel 1:

Blood of Heroes
(A Ranma 1/2 - legends of Camelot crossover)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations, are property
of and (c) 2000 by Best Brains.  Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko
Takahashi and all distributors of her work.  And all Camelot legends
are thankfully copyright of no one, since they have become public
domain at this point.

"Blood of Heroes" is property of The King of Ducks and used with his
permission.  This is intended as a parody, hopefully not to be taken
offensively.

All additional references/situations are copyright their respective
owners.
==

-Deep Thirteen-

Frank scurried around, looking throughout the file cabinet.  He
screwed his face into something closely resembling a sneer, as Dr. F
was forcing him to practice lately. It was some arcane theory about mad
scientists, Frank concluded... either that or an order from Evilos,
which Dr. F would waste no time in following.  But the thrust of the
problem is that Dr. F had a way-too-happy assistant.

"Haven't you found something *yet*, Frank?  They're up there, just
waiting for us to put the hurt on them, and I want something extra
special to celebrate my evilness!" Dr. Forrester was tapping his foot,
making some final adjustments on the device that sat atop a computer
cart.  Frank grimaced one more time and pulled a diskette out of a
folder.

"Here's one, Dr. F.  Are you ready for me to call them up?"

"They won't know what hit 'em.  Make it so, number zero!"

-The Satellite of Love-

"Ready?  One, two, three, four..."  Joel hit a chord on the guitar he
was holding while Mike started on his guitar at the far end of the
bridge.  Crow twirled a drumstick in his claw and Tom started shaking
the tambourine.

o/~ "It's the last train to Clarksville, and I'll meet you at the
station..."


"Hey hey, Dr. F., it's the lab monkees.  They're monkeeing around
right now, come and see!"

"Frank, what in the name of Michael Nesmith are you talking about?"

"Just look!"


o/~ "And I don't know if I'll ever come on home!" Joel sang, as the
other three provided backup "oohs".


"Stop that, there'll be no singing here!" Dr. F bellowed, quickly
pressing the mute key on the computer while pulling the lever which
activated the oxygen vacuum.  He watched as the two humans on the
bridge grasped their throats and stopped singing.  "Okay jokers, I'm
assuming this was done for a reason..."


"We figured you brought Joel back so we could get the band together
again!  That's why we're up on the satellite, right?  Putting together
these band groups is the best way to get money nowadays!  Look at the
Backstreet Boys and that Spice Girls group that was popular enough to
merit a movie!  They're practically everywhere!" Mike explained.

Tom broke in, "But mostly we were hoping to offend your
sensibilities..."

"Tom, no!  Don't tell them that!" Joel said.


"Oh, is that it?  Well, once we get through our invention exchange,
we'll be sure to give you a post so bad... Frank, get on it!"  Dr.
Forrester barked.

"Aye-aye, Colonel Parker," Frank returned.

"And as for you... what do we have for an invention this time?"


Joel took a box from underneath the counter and placed it on the top.
"Well, sirs, we know that one of the most plentiful sources of power we
know of from up here in space is the great abundance of solar energy.
On Earth, however, no one seems to use it!  So, we decided to try to
help out humanity by building simple, practical appliances that can tap
into the power of the sun!  Mike?"

Mike stepped forward.  "Well, Joel, Tom and I worked together to
build..."  Tom hovered beside Mike as he lifted a long-handled device
from the box.

"It's the solar powered weed whacker!  Since all homeowners must have
impeccible lawns, gas trimmers are incredibly heavy and smoky, and
electric cords get tangled all over the place, this can't fail!  And if
you try to trim your lawn when the sun's not out... well, you're either
waking the neighbors or standing stupidly in the rain anyway!  Over to
you, Crow!"

Crow reached in the box.  "I had a better idea than these guys..."
He lifted out a light bulb from the box.  "Here's the solar-powered
lightbulb!"  Everyone on the satellite facefaulted.


"Umm, well... inane as always, N'Stink.  As for us..."  Dr. Forrester
walked off-screen and returned with a computer cart, on which a large
white chunk of plastic with a small slot sat.  "Prepare for my worst
invention yet!  Frank, get the samples!"

Frank scurried over to where Dr. F was standing, holding papers of
all sorts and diskettes as well.  "Well, boobies, our invention this
week is the Automatic Document Mishandler!  Create the inefficiency of
large wasteful governments and corporations with this handy device!"

Frank moved to the side, handing a disk to Dr. F.  "No more do you
have to let the system lose all your important documents!  This machine
opens up holes all over time and space to get rid of your most
important papers and disks!"  Dr. F slipped the disk inside, and
started feeding the machine with reckless abandon.  Newspapers, FFML
logs, and all sorts of disks were thrown in, but the machine handled it
all with ease.

"However, 98 Degrees of Stupidity, we kept one item we're sure you're
going to love! It's called 'Blood of Heroes', and it's a crossover that
took eons to shape up!  And it also takes eons to set up!  Pop that on
your scores and sing it!"


The satellite began to shake.  "Oh no, we have fic sign!" Tom yelled.


(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
 bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
 inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom.  Tom was placed in the fourth
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him.  After that was Joel, and
Crow sat in the far right seat.)

Hello.  Here is my story,

Tom: And the rebuttal is at the end, thankyewverymuch!

please tell me what you think.  C&C is incouraged,

Crow [author]: "All I need is a little incouragement!"
Mike: This is not an 'incouraging' sign, guys...

flames are not.  MSTings are welcome.
King of Ducks Publishers Proudly Present,

Joel: In association with Quacker Productions....
Mike: ...something by Mousse!
Crow: "Once upon a time, there was an Amazon warrioress who was
wholly in love with our hero, a rather dashing fellow who occasionally
wore glasses..."

In association with Seven Drunken Albino Dwarves Ltd.,

Tom: Don't touch those Seven Drunken Albino Dwarves!  Hand me the
pliers!
Joel: Limited in all but their inhibitions, by the way it looks...

Funding Provided by Nabiki Tendo Investment Firm (NTIF),

Mike: Wouldn't that mean she'd be expecting a return on this?
Tom: NTIF!  Science, industry, technology... and fanfics!
Crow: Diversify your portfolio!
Joel: Umm, what's to finance fanfiction-wise anyway?
Mike: All I can guess is a large stock of "Mountain Dew"

Blood of Heroes

Tom: *Not* the expectoration of fools.

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
Written By: The King of Ducks.

Mike: Wonder if he knows disco?
Crow: "Once upon a time, a dashing rogue of a man left his Amazon
village with a smitten warrioress tagging along behind.  He came
across a man in Japan by the name of Ranma Saotome and kicked the
living crap out of him.  Our hero cut his lip in the process."
Tom: "'Hark!', our hero cried as he wiped his lip.  'It is the blood of
a hero!'"

Chapter 1:

Tom: Just for fun.

<Insert standard disclaimer here.  For more information check out
"Disclaimer" by the Offspring on Ixnay on the Hombre.>

Joel: You mean the one that's been on every single fan-parody for the
past six years?

 Time does not flow like a river like some would have you to believe, no,

Crow: It's more like a toilet, with history of all kinds circling the
drain in an orderly clockwise fashion.

instead it is a maelstrom moving only to the whims of Chance and Fortune.

Crow: And here I thought it was the whims of Community Chest.

Some say the past is unchangeable

Tom: And some say the past is rewritable.
Joel: And even more say the moon is made of cheese.

and even if you write history differently than it happened that which >really happened

Mike: ...really didn't happen, or really might have happened in a
different history than what the happening happened in, or might have
happened in a completely historically different happening.
Crow: Therefore, history is just happenstance.

is unchanged and the truth will come out once more.

Joel: Olly olly oxen free!

This is true if you only rewrite history in the literal sense, but what if you were to go back and change it?

Tom: Then what might have happened would happen completely differently,
and the happenings that happened already would still happen in the
historical view, but what happens is happening and the happenings that
will happen...
Crow: Aww... can it, Doc Brown!

 Time sweeps backwards

Joel: ...spreading the debris of the ages over the kitchen floor of
the heavens.
Mike: And narrowly missing the dog food bowl of life.

and forth according the will of the dice of fate

Mike: A seven!
Crow: Let it ride, baby!
Tom: Oh great, fate's playing dice with the universe again...

and thus can someone from one age find himself or herself thrown into another age,

Crow: Like from puberty to second childhood?
Tom: Oh great, I've gone from 26 to 12!  Now I have to go through
puberty all over again!  NOOOOOO!!
Mike: Damn you universe!!

either in the past or more strangely, the future.  Sometimes something
other than fate changes things;

Tom: Fate being known to outsource the more annoying tasks, of
course...
Crow: ENOUGH with the philisophical crap, already!  Just start the damn
fic!

spirits have great power over the mortal world, though they can rarely
or will rarely use it.

Joel: Anyone else have the feeling we're in the middle of a seance?
Mike: Maybe channeling dead ideas from the past?
Crow & Tom: <spirits, cheering> We have power! Yes, we do!  We have
power! How 'bout you?  Woo!

Sages differ greatly on this subject,

Tom: However, they are all in general agreeance on this predicate.
Joel: But four out of five sages recommend Colgate toothpaste!

but it assumed that the more important the spirit was the greater power the spirit has over the world of the living.

Mike: So the next time you say, "The devil made me do it"... you might
be right.

Some can even be reborn in it.  Assuming that they wanted to, of course.
But sometimes even what a spirit wants doesn't matter . . .

Tom: But if a spirit tries sometimes, the spirit finds it gets what it
needs.
Joel [spirit]: But I wanted John Travolta to do my baby voice-over!
Not Bobcat Goldthwait!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Crow: And as a tribute to all servicepeople worldwide, the rest of the
fic will be in Morse code!

     The old man whirled and danced around a burning fire within a forest clearing.

Tom [old man]: "Dammit, get my beard out!  This is the last time I
spill the lighter fluid all over me!"
Crow: Looks like Father Time burned himself up with a doobie again....

As he spun his chants seemed to stretch into the heavens themselves

Mike [old man]: "Hey!  Belldandy!  Get your butt down here, I've been
shaking my moneymaker for the last two hours!"
Joel: The Whirling Dervishes.  Quality chanting for over fifteen
hundred years.

and into the eternal blackness of the night sky.  With each step the forest around him grew darker and darker as the power stretched into Emania.

Tom: And stretch your purchasing power all the way into Emania and
beyond with the new Visa Classic, buying power for those bullhorns
that just won't wait!
Mike: "Phone Home" to Emania for three minutes: $15,000.  Getting a
response: priceless.

With each passing moment the echo of the spirits grew more and more powerful until the old man stopped.

Joel: You flooded it!
Crow: Jiggle the handle next time!

Now the land beyond his fire was indescribably dark and the icy presence of the spirits beyond set the wind colder than it should have been on a summer night.

Tom: Thankfully it was mid-December, so no one noticed!
Mike: Dark and icy presence... maybe he found a yeti?
Crow [dully]: "I will pet you and love you and call you George!"

The old man slowly sat down

Crow [old man]: This is the last time I tuck into the beans before a
spirit calling...

and started chanting words of power

Crow: [old man]: "Mecha lecha hi mecha hiney ho!"
Tom [old man]: "Vigor!  Strength!  Energy!  Force!  Might!"
Mike [old man]: "Megawatts!  Gigahertz!  Detroit Edison!"

to ward off evil spirits and to bind the summoned spirits until he was finished or until dawn, whichever came first.

Joel: Words of power: the Crazee Glue that keeps the spirits together.
Tom: And remember, next time you need to stick a spirit to a wall or
door, just chant away!  And stay away from "feeble", or they'll fall
right off!

After a few moments he stopped and looked into the darkness.

Mike [old man]: "Oh, you mean this *isn't* The Blair Witch Project?"
Tom: [old man]: "I don't see what's so scary... I can't see a thing in
here!"
Crow [old man]: "Was our funding pulled already?"

 "Hound of Culan step forth from the darkness that blinds you," the old man cried into the night wind.

Joel [old man]: "And quit marking those trees!  You've been out here
long enough, dammit!"
Crow [operator]: "Beep.  The Hound of Culan you are trying to summon is
no longer in service.  Please stop chanting and try summoning
elsewhere again...."

 Within the passing of a few minutes a groaning could be heard

Mike: The crowds are restless...
Tom: Okay, which one of us was it?  Speak up!
Crow: I thought it was *you*, Tom...

as a translucent figure stepped into the light.  The figure stood, clad resplendently in age-worn battle armor, and slowly he solidified.

Crow [Capt. Kirk]: "Spock, I seem to have beamed down onto a Class M
planet... and why the hell did you send me down send me down as a
reject from a Renaissance Festival?"

He stood taller than the old man and his long black hair hung down past his shoulders.  Looking down he stared at the old man with eyes of ice that were filled with anger.

Joel: "Hey!  Didn't I warn you about planeshifting *before*?  You're
going to have to come with me this time..."
Tom: He's angry 'cause someone replaced his eyes with two "fly in the
ice cube" gags....

 "Shaman, why in the name of all the gods did you bring me here?

Mike [old man]: "I needed a web designer for my Internet start-up IPO."

Is it time for my rebirth," the Hound of Culan asked the shaman.

Crow: In as neutral a tone as he could manage.
Tom [Hound]: "I need hot water and LOTS of towels, stat!"

 "That is up to you great warrior."
 "What do you mean it is up too me?"
 "That star which fell and slept when ere the earth was full formed is soon to awaken and rise.

Mike [old man]: "And due to its burning, it will incinerate us whole.
Don'tcha want a chance to see Disneyland before that happens?"
Tom [Hound]: "Ooh... does that mean I get to ride the Matterhorn and
see Mickey?"
Crow [old man]: "Yes, and ride the teacups as well!  But we must hurry
or the lines will be too long!"

Then shall it's light battle a darkness which is soon freed from it's sleep.

Crow: So the light's waking up and the dark's waking up... I don't
remember either one of them setting the alarm!
Joel: Now if I was that darkness, I'd need a hot cup of coffee and a
warm shower before I'd do *anything* else.
Tom: And why does light have to battle the darkness?  All the darkness
in the universe can't snuff out the light of a candle!

With the light may ride a host of the past and with the darkness a similar host.

Mike [old man]: "Monty Hall's booked on the light cruise, and I heard
that Wink Martindale's coming with the dark group."

Then shall the blood begin and the star and the shadow truly fight.  Three outcomes are possible

Tom: Win, Lose, or Draw?
Crow: Therefore, we're going to see Bert Convy and Dom DeLuise... ooh,
fun.

and as in all things three is the number of Fate, Fortune, and Chance.

Joel [Michael Palin]: "Three shall be the number that thou shalt count,
and the number of the counting shall be three."

The first is that the light rises and shines through the darkness and from him springs forth a new generation of man whose bri and bua shall achieve great wonders.

Crow: Bri and bua?
Mike: My best guess is cheese and snakes.

The second is if the shadow smothers the star then all shall perish in it's night.

Tom: ...on the holy feast of Passover.
Crow: For our friends in foreign lands.
Joel: So the Hound is Jewish?

The final outcome should either one not come to pass,

Mike: ...is a twenty-four hour PARTY!
Crow: Conga!
<all start to dance around>
Tom: Whew, fun.

is that both star and shadow being weakened shall sleep once more and gather their strength for another battle on another day,"

Tom [old man]: "This vicious, vicious cycle started one day when Dark
didn't want to share his rubber ducky with Light, creating a feud
which ripped the heavens asunder."
Joel: The moral of the story: don't let anyone see your bath toys.
Crow: What is this, "Sailor Sez?"

the old man's eyes had the look of one speaking to the fey as he related the message.

Mike: The old man's the head of the Rainbow Coalition?
Tom [old man]: "I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist, I'm the president of
the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason..."

 "The truth shaman and speak not in riddles."

Crow [old man]: "Well, how about jokes then!  How many dead babies does
it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Joel [Hound]: "Uhh... I don't, uh I don't know..."
Crow [old man]: "Five!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

 "In no other way shall we speak Hound of Culan.  In other way shall we speak and in no other way shall we live."

Mike [old man]: "Face it boy, you're going to be confused for the rest
of your life.  So there."
Tom: As are we.
Crow: Is speaking Hound of Culan anything like speaking Astro of
Jetsons?

 "Which outcome will happen?"

Tom [old man]: "Uh-uh now, Hound... that'll make the fic just a
*little* too short!  We need to pad it somehow..."
Joel: I thought the fic mentioned three choices?
Crow: Yeah.  Padding, boredom, or snoozing.

 "Chance, Fate, and Fortune have decided to leave this destiny in the
hands of man and the spirits of man.

Joel: Much like a cake in the rain, so are the Days of Our Lives.
Crow: Good choice, leave destiny in the hands of a species that excels
at destruction.  Nice move brainiacs!

We are required to summon the spirits of both sides; light and dark,

Mike: Yin and yang...
Tom: Rare and well-done...
Joel: Free and easy...
Crow: Great taste and less filling...

to rebirth and arraign them in rebirth.

Mike: You are charged with second-degree impersonation of a baby.  How
do you plead?
Joel [baby]: "Wahhhhhh!!"
Mike: Jury will disregard that remark, please.

Now stand to the side

Joel [old man]: "...you're blocking my sun!  How do you expect me to
get a killer tan and answer all these questions at the same time?"
Tom: Sheesh, this guy could go on Dragonball Z and double as Roshi...

as we summon the second upon this blackest night, Great Bear appear."

Mike: Boy, he sounds thrilled at the prospect...
Crow: And here comes Nikolai Volkoff!
Tom: Look out!  It's a multi-crossover!

 A huge bear of a man loped forward from the tree-line, solidifying
instantly he stepped up to the fire.

Mike: Great Bear, will you sign in please?
Joel [old man]: "No Bear, not *in* the fire!"

He stood in every way a contrast to the other;

Crow: Especially since the Hound was sitting!  Ha, I kill me!

the first was tall and the second not.  The first's eyes were as cold
as ice and the second's burned with a fire.

Tom [Bear]: "Aahh!  Someone put out my eyes, quick!"
Joel [Hound]: You think YOU'VE got problems?!?  I'm snowblind!
Mike: Between Bear's eyes and the old man's beard, they're a matching
pair.

The first's bearing was that of a soldier and the second's was that of a king.  The Bear sat in front of the shaman and stared lazily at him.

Tom [Bear]: "*yawn*... Ya know, you could try doing this in the daytime
when we're all AWAKE..."
Crow: I can't bear much more of this fanfic....
Mike: Just try to grin and bear it, man....

 "Why have ye called my soul from Avalon?  The fey mists were comfort
enough for me," the Great Bear plainly stated.

Mike [Bear]: "Yeah, man... we had one helluva stoner's party up there!
Morrison brought all his best stuff!  Why do you have to go and harsh
my buzz?  By the by, got anything to eat?"
Crow: Plainly stated?  Sounds more like Middle English to me....

 The faeries related the same tale to the Bear as they did to the Hound.

Crow: Hey, whoa, waitaminute!  *What* faeries?
Joel: Most likely the fey faeries, Crow...
Tom: Okay, I'll bite... just what does "fey" mean anyway?
Mike [picking up a dictionary]:  Okay, lessee... it says here,
'mysterious and strange, or trying to appear like this in a way that
is not natural or sincere.'
Tom: So this fic is just masquerading?

The Bear sat for a minute thinking before he asked the faeries,

Tom [Bear]: "And this affects me *how*?"
Joel [Bear]: "Do YOU know how to prevent forest fires?"

"And you wish for me and my cousin to return to the world of life before our true time of rebirth and fight this shadow?"
 "Yes Great Bear, that is our wish.

Mike: Well, to be more precise, it's the old man's wish.
Crow [Bear]: "Wait up... who's that behind the screen?"
Tom, Joel [faeries]: "Oh, pay no attention to him!  He's nobody!"

Chance, Fate, and Fortune require that we ask."

Tom: ...ask you to suspend disbelief just this once, okay?
Joel: Chance, Fate, and Fortune should really think of hiring some
telemarketers at this rate.

 "I don't like it," the Hound snorted with derision.

Crow: Okay, let's recap... the old man burnt his whiskers on a doobie,
the Bear's been up with the potheads, and now the Hound snorts?
Mike: Therefore, the message: Take some hits to increase enjoyment.

 "Yes cousin, but you didn't like much of anything," the Bear replied
without looking from the shaman.

Mike: But he was talking to the FAERIES!  Boy, this is getting
confusing...
Tom [director]: "Okay, everyone... we'll take five, get a donut, and if
I see anyone else *trying* to sneak on set during shooting, I'll have
you cleaning John Goodman's bathroom!"

 "If we return, which outcome will happen?"

Joel [old man]: "Well, you'll be back to where we started."
Crow [Bear]: "I have to read the philosophy all over again?!"

 "That is blocked by mists even we cannot penetrate.  Not even the three know that destiny.  Son of the Lake, come forth from your watery sleep."

Tom [old man]: "Shut up already.  We need another character, stat!"

 A third figure emerged and solidified upon the ground as soon as one
ghostly foot touched it.  He strode forward without care and the fire danced upon his fair features.

Mike: Why does everyone insist on standing in the middle of the fire
anyway?
Tom: Well, the author did say it was cold for a summer night...
Mike: There are easier solutions!  Winter jackets, use 'em!

He stood proud and confidant behind the Bear and looked down upon the shaman with disgust.

Crow [Son of the Lake]: "Oh my lord, do you think you're fooling
*anybody* with that horrid toupee?"
Tom [Son of the Lake]: "I cannot believe you've let the scene drag on
this long!  My god, do you have ANY idea how long I've been waiting
for my cue?!?  Look at my fingers!  They're all wrinkly!"

 "Thou foul and dirty peasant!

Joel [Michael Palin]: "Oh, what a giveaway!  Didjoo 'ear that, didjoo
'ear that, 'eh?  That's what I'm on about!  Did you see him
repressin' me?  You saw it didn't you!"
Crow: Certainly geting a lot of mileage out of that Palin impression,
Joel...

Why have you awakened the Son of the Lake from his deserved rest?

Crow: [Son]: "Look, buddy, I worked ten hours today and I WANT AN
EXPLANATION!  NOW!!"
Mike [Old Man]: "You've still got chores and homework to do, young man,
so get to it!"
Crow: [Son] "Oh, go to bed, old man!"
Mike: [Old Man] "Shut up!  What's this I hear about you having a lady
in the lake when I'm away?!?"

Speak now or I shall smite thee," the Son of the Lake's voice sounded as thunder.

Joel: Hey guys, look!  It's our first Ranma character!
Tom:  Hey Kuno, go beat up that shaman!  Quick!
Mike: He *is* the Thunder...

 Once again the message was told and the Son of the Lake beamed.

Crow:  Hey!  Shut off your brights already!

His smile grew as he pulled the sword which hung at his side from it's scabbard. Holding it above his head he Son of the Lake shouted out in a thunderous voice,

Tom [Kuno]: "I am the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!  You have taken me
from my musings upon the sweet Akane and the wondrous Pig-Tailed Girl!
I shall SMITE THEE!"
Mike, Joel, Crow: "Ku-NO!  Ku-NO!  Ku-NO!"

"A quest in which I, the Son of the Lake, greatest warrior of the Bear's court can truly shine.  Surely I, the Son of the Lake, am this star of which thou hast spoke."
 The shaman lifted his head and stared into the Son of the Lake's eyes,

Mike [old man]: "Look, boy... so far I've got a stoner and a crackhead,
and you're even crazier than both of them.  Don't make me hurt you."
Crow: He's gotta be on some bad acid.
Tom: H2SO4?
Joel: Cute, Tom...

"No you are not the StarSworn who will rise and shine above the >earth."

Tom [Son]: "Aww!  C'mon, I can do a really good rooster call!
Puh-leeze?"
Joel: [Old Man] "You are the east and Juliet is the sun!"

 "Then I shall fight with him to ensure victory once more.  The shadow shall rightly fear my prowess as I..." the Son of the Lake was cut off by the Hound's fist punching into the Son of the Lake's solar plexus.

All: GIVE IT A REST!

The Son of the Lake fell over in a gasping heap.

Mike [Bear]: "C'mon, you big load.  You were paid scale like the rest
of us, now get back in the fic!"

 "Fool," was the Hound's only reply.  "I agree shaman, faeries, or
whatever you are.

Joel: So the Hound cannot distinguish between an old man with a singed
beard and a *bunch* of little woodland sprites?
Crow: Maybe he really does have eyes made of ice.
Tom: Or glass.

But I have one question before I return to my slumber."

Mike [Hound]: "Got any more of them Kibbles 'N Bits?"

 "Which is, oh Hound of Culan," the faeries-speaking-through-the-
shaman asked.

Joel: So now the shaman is just a vessel of the faeries, who were
perfectly able to speak on their own earlier to the Bear.
Mike [faeries]: "Say hello to the nice people, Shaman."
Tom [old man]: "Hello people!"

 "What of my descendants?  Have the kept the way that Merlyn, the druids, and I taught them?"

Tom [old man]: "Yes, oh Hound.  They drink until insensibility for six
nights out of seven."
Crow [Hound]: "What about the wenching?"
Tom [old man]: "Well, ever since the sexual harassment laws, it's been
a bit of a problem..."

 "Yes Hound of Culan, the next to be born will be the greatest master of your way that this world has seen for over a thousand years."

Mike: Cue the self-insert!
Tom [old man]: "He'll be an even better whiner than you were!  What's
more, he has even less work ethic!  He's a definite chip off the old
block, lemme tell you!"
Crow [old man]: "And he shall be known as... Puppy of Culan!"

 "Then he must be the StarSworn of whom you spoke."
 "We do not know that.  Now Great Bear, the Hound and the Son of the Lake have agreed, do you?"

Crow [old man]: "Come on!  This time-share in Miami Beach is just
perfect for you!  Just ask your two friends here, and make sure to
sign on the dotted line!"
Joel [Bear]: "Throw in a pot of honey and the picnic basket and you're
on!"

 The Great Bear sighed, he didn't like to have to make decisions of this magnitude without ample time to think.  But then again, thinking wasn't his strong point.  "Alright shaman.  You have a deal."

Tom [Bear]: "I'll *sign* your stupid petition!  Just don't harass me
anymore!"
Crow [shaman]: "Naive fool!  BWAHAHAHAHA!!  Oops, I mean... I am very
grateful, oh Great Bear, thank you... *coughsuckercough*...."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Mike: Oh, thank heaven!  That scene's completed!
Tom: The scene change that almost never came!
Joel: Hey, my sister has a necklace like that!

 Akane Tendo stood within the strange building and looked around at the decrepit state it was in.

Joel: After the Tendo kitchen was blown up from Akane's cooking, the
house never seemed the same...
Crow [Soun]: "You BLEW it up!  Damn your cooking!  Damn it all to
HELL!"

Vines covered some sections of the walls, piles of rubble where the walls had fallen, and spider webs with dust covered everything.

Mike: Let Kasumi out of the house for three hours and this is what you
get.
Joel [Kasumi]: "I'm home from shopping, and... oh my!"

Everything but the strange crystal statue along the far wall of the room.

Tom: Those strange crystal statues are habitually overlooked, you
know...
Crow: Once a week, the cleaners came for the sole purpose of freshening
the statue's makeup and doing its hair.
Joel: Sure, most homes nowadays have a crystal statue but THIS one is
just plain WEIRD....

The statue, she noted, was in the shape of a man.  A bishonen looking man who held a long and thin sword.

Joel: Lenin he ain't.
Crow: Hmm... anatomically correct as well?

The statue looked as if it had been carved just that day and was shaped by the greatest artists alive.  The statue did look alive in fact.

Tom: There must have been some magic in that new needle-sword they
found.
Crow [narrator]: "In fact, it IS alive!  It's alive and OH MY GOD, IT'S
COMING THIS WAY!!!  YAHHHHHHH!!!!"

 /This is weird,/ Akane thought.
 /Is it so unusual daughter of the faeries,/ a strange voice asked as it filled Akane's mind.

Mike: Umm...  usually, when voices or people ask things, they use
question marks...
Tom [Soun]: "Hey!  I am NOT a faerie!"
Mike: So would that make her the daughter of the old man too?
Joel: If Akane's the daughter of the faeries, what does that make
Ranma?
Crow: Son of the son of the Culan-bit---
Joel: Crow!

 /Who's there?  Who are you? What are you doing in my head,/ Akane
screamed mentally.

Tom [Akane]: "If you don't get out in three seconds, I'll be mentally
malleting the whole place!  And trust me, it's going to hurt me a lot
more than it will you!"
Crow [voice]: "Wow, this place is flooded!"

 /I am the granter of desires, all desires.  It is I who seek to fulfill all of your deepest wants and needs.

All: Yay.  Another fiance.  Woo hoo.

It is I who brought life into this world and gave mankind it's start.

Tom [voice]: "It is I who gave mankind $1500, a top hat, and a pair of
dice."
Crow: Wow... so this voice was responsible for Mick Foley's WWF career?

To some I am known as Prometheus.   To others I am called Raven, Coyote, the Great Manitou.

Mike [voice]: "But you may call me Timmy Big Hands."

I am the master of magic, the holder of wisdom, the granter of strength.  I am Djinn greater than that which Aladdin held within a his ring.

Joel [voice]: "I am the terror that flaps in the night!  I am the
pebble in your freshly-cemented driveway!"
Crow [Akane]: "Well, I am woman... hear me ROAR!"
Tom [voice]: "AAAH!!"

I gave Rama the powers necessary to finish his quest and I inspired Heracles throughout his Twelve Labors.

Tom [Heracles]: "Dammit, if you'd quit knocking me up I wouldn't be
having these labors!  Oooh, another contraction!  OWWWW!"
Crow [voice]: "I then inspired a great man named James Wilkes Booth...
that didn't go over well at the Goddess Relief Office though."

I led the way for Jason and made sure Ulysses found his way home to Ithaca.  Then I made sure all of the suitors were slain by he, the old man, and his son.

Tom [voice]: "Then I made quiche and invited the ladies over for
Tupperware...."
Mike [voice]: "For you see, I have the power to decide who lives and
who dies.  Now do you know why I've summoned you here?"
Crow: HEY!  I called it first!

I protected Hiawatha until he could take care of himself and brought safety to Lief Erikson.

Joel [voice]: "I was the one who protected all of King Henry VIII's
wives as well... but I don't like talking about that one often."

It was I who made sure Arthur of Camelot held Excalibur and Lancelot got his queen.

Crow [voice]: "Or was it made sure Arthur of Camelot held Lancelot and
Excalibur got his queen?  Never remember what I was supposed to do
there..."
Tom: Okay, okay, we've heard your qualifications, now GET ON WITH IT!

Throughout history I have been the friend of mankind.  Now I come to you./

Mike [voice]: "Now I need a friend of womankind!  A little nookie!
Don'tcha understand?"

 /What do you want from me?/
 /No, it is not what I want from you?

Joel [voice]: "It's what I want from you."
Tom [Akane]: "Oh, I see... huh?"

What do you want from me Tendo Akane?/
 /What... do I want... from you?/

Mike: The spirit's coming off rather weak, but the flesh is wanting.
Joel [voice]: "No, Akane... it's 'what do you want from me'."
Tom [Akane]: "Oh, I see... huh??"

 /Yes.  What do you desire?  Tell me what you need and I shall provide. Within my grasp are your dreams, within my hand I hold your fondest wishes.

Crow [voice]: "And within my pants, I hold...."
Joel: Crow!
Crow: What!  I was going to say "my bologna sandwich"!
Tom: Even so, ick.

Everything you ask, I can provide./
 /You could give me anything?/
 /Everything./

Mike [Akane]: "Okay, fine. I'm calling your bluff!  Gimme everything
right now!"
All [voice, singing]: "Everything I do... I do it for you...."
Joel [Akane]: "Okay, let's start with NEVER singing Brian Adams to me
again...."

 Images flew across Akane's mind as the crystalline figure told her of it's promises.

Tom [voice]: "Suddenly I'm having flashbacks of 1984...."
Mike [Akane]: "The year or the book?"
Tom [voice]: "Both."

Ranma and Akane holding hands; Shampoo/Kodachi/Ukyou fighting and Akane defeating each of them;

Crow: So Akane's fondest wish with Ranma is to HOLD HANDS?!?  Come on,
show a little imagination, why don't ya!
Tom: Aww, come on!  If the three of them are fighting each other at the
same time, *I* could hover in and hand them their candy asses on
silver plates!

Akane being Ranma's equal in single combat;

Mike [voice]: "Your wish is my command.  I'll restore Ranma's
moxibustion."
Joel [Akane]: "No!  Not equal like that!  Equal *good*!"

Akane cooking and it turning out better than Kasumi's;

Mike: CAN YA SMELL WHAT THE AKANE'S COOKING?!
Tom: Oh God no, I'd rather not...
Crow: Moments later, hell experienced its first ice age.

Akane swimming; Akane watching her children running free in the sunlight.

Crow: And Akane chasing after them as fast as she can manage, trying to
catch the one who broke the good china.

 /Is that what you want?/

Tom [Akane]: "Well, if you can swing it that I get to keep my good
china..."
Crow [Akane]: "Oh, sure, we'll get to that stuff EVENTUALLY... but for
now, how about a couple of muscular cabana boys to run oil on me?"

 /Ye... yes.  More than anything,/ Akane felt like something was breaking down inside of her.

Mike [scratchy voice]: Inside her body, many of tiny molecules of food
are JUST NOW in the process of digestion while her body splits them up
for their calories, breaking down the bonds that used to comprise the
food...
Joel: 'The Nature of Akane'.  Next week, on The Discovery Channel.

She felt like crying.

Tom [Akane]: "You talk the talk, <sniff>, but do you walk the walk?"
Mike [voice]: "How can I?!  I'm a bleeping statue!!"
Crow: [Akane, singing] To dreammmmmmm... the impossible... DREAM!!!
<sobbing>

 /There there, do not be ashamed of your desires.  They are among the noblest I have ever heard./
 /They are?  You mean it isn't wrong for me to have them?/

Tom [voice]: "Are you kidding?  You should see the visions I got from
Kodachi when I offered her desires... I never knew there were so many
ways to tie up a boy with ribbons... <shudders>"

 /No.  It is never wrong to wish for love.  You are a warrior, never be ashamed of that.   You are a girl, never be ashamed of that.  You love this Ranma, never be ashamed of that.

Joel [voice]: "On the other hand, you're in this fic with me and didn't
bring anyone else... that's rather shameful."

These are the things that give you the strength you need. Truly I have chosen well in decided to grant your desires Tendo Akane./

Mike: Hey whoa wait!  He's 'indecided' on granting those desires!  I
thought he was going to go full bore and give Akane the world and a
couple passing comets for good measure!

 /Then you can help?/

Tom [voice]: "Yes.  I know the number of a good psychiatrist.  He
treats people that talk to strange bishonen crystal statues."

 /Yes.  Tomorrow I want you to take a hike into a small forest right outside of Tokyo.

Joel: Okay, small forest outside Tokyo.  Granted, you'd have to take a
Ryouga-like distance hike, but we can see that...

Head southeast into for 2.5 hours and you will reach my temple.

Mike [voice]: "Then go southeast for another 500 yards and you will
reach my earlobe."
Tom: Hike from Nerima southeast and come to forest?!?  Well, you might
want to reconsider, Mr. Crystal Statue Voice.
Crow: Hey!  Is he related to you, Magic Voice?
Magic Voice: He sounds like my pathological liar brother, as a matter
of fact.

Tell know one of this.

Crow [voice]: "Or they might 'no' too much!"

Tomorrow one of your desires shall be granted./
 /Thank you,/ Akane said as she nearly choked on tears of happiness.
 /No, thank you Tendo Akane.  Now awaken.../

All [singing]: "She can see clearly now, the rain is gone... she can
see all obstacles in her way..."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Joel: 'The Old West' for $200 please, Alex.
Crow [Alex Trebek]: "Its best incarnation was invented in 1873 by
Joseph Glidden."
Joel: What is... barbed wire?
Crow: [Alex Trebek] "That is correct!"

 Akane awoke with a start and looked over at her clock.

Tom [Akane]: "Oh no!  I'm in a five o'clock world and the whistle just
blew!"
Mike [clock]: "Why did you go and betray me, Akane?  Didn't I ever tell
you that I'm a magical clock that can give you everything *AND* a bag
of chips?"

The red digital display read 4:30 A.M.  Slowly she shook her head as she tried to banish the strange dream from her mind.

Mike [Akane]: "For crimes against my sanity, you shall be BANISHED
FOREVER!"

/That is what it was, wasn't it?/  She had no answer, but something kept telling her that it was true.

Joel [teddy bear]: "Yeah, Akane!  It's me, your teddy bear!  It was
completely true, right down to the last cobweb!"
Tom [desk lamp]: "Hey!  Don't listen to that stupid stuffed animal!
It's me, your desk lamp... and trust me, you had that sushi WAY too
late last evening."
Crow: Poor Akane, going stir crazy as a result of this fic...
Mike: Her!  What about us?!

Akane struggled with the thought for a few minutes until her eyes got heavy and she fell into deepest slumber once more.

Tom: And now... SLEEEEEEEP!
Crow: Man, she should lay off the Nyquil nightcaps...

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Mike: Duck's fingers are doing the two-step all over the numberpad
again...
Joel [bored tone]: "And if you look three degress lower on the
ascension, you will come across the constellation 'straight line'."

 Cedric departed the plane with a yawn, he was tired and hungry after his 18 hour plane ride.

Crow: That's strange, most people attempt to sleep and eat on the
plane.
Tom [pilot]: "This is your captain speaking... nonstop service from
London to Japan on flight 1022 this morning will NOT include any food,
and if you try to sleep our stewardesses will poke you with large
sticks.  Thank you for flying Northwestern."

/But still,/ he thought, /Here I am, Japan.  Land of the Rising Sun and makers of video games./

Mike: Whaddaya know!  That is the VERY REASON that there are 125
million people in Japan!
Crow [Cedric] "Yeah, the beauty of Japan's culture, its magnificent
scenery... the hell with that crap!  Give me Street Fighter EX 3!"

 He headed to the baggage claim to wait for his luggage and held opened up the envelope his grandfather had given him.

Joel: Who is "held"?
Crow: Probably Cedric's manservant.  I'm guessing he also holds the
coconuts.
Tom [airport security]: "Sorry, sir, it seems we've lost all our
luggage due to our inability to do anything right except create video
games.  But please take this Gameboy as a token of our apology!

Looking around for an empty chair he saw a very strange man looking at him intently.

Crow [Cedric]: "He will do finely.  Excuse me, sir?  Would you mind if
I sit on you?"

The man made no move however, so Cedric paid him no heed.

Joel [man]: "You're forgetting that I have no USE for foreign heed!
BWAHAHAHA!!"
Crow: [groans]

 "Ah, here's a chair," Cedric mumbled as he sat down and read the letter
his grandfather had written him...

Tom [letter]: "Dear Cedric, you may already be a millionaire!"
Mike [letter]: "Dear Cedric, you can now buy twelve CDs for a penny!"

 Dear Cedric,
 I hope your plane ride was without incident and if you followed my instructions, which I know you did,

Joel [letter]: "...you are in New York trying to prevent Danny DeVito
and Daniel Stern from entering your apartment.
Mike [letter]: "Don't forget, the Micro Machines are in the toybox on
the second floor..."

you are sitting in the baggage claim reading this.

Tom [grandfather]: "I know!  I'll tell him to sit *in* the baggage
claim!  He's so stupid, he'll be getting beaned with luggage for the
rest of the day!"

Well I'll cut through the crap and get to the point, you are in danger.

Mike [letter]: "Watch out for falling luggage, you feeb.  Get some
common sense!"
Tom [letter]: "...unless you copy this letter six times and mail them
to your friends.  Then you will have good fortune!"

It pains me to tell you that I am either dead, dying, or soon to die.

Joel: Strictly speaking, isn't "dying" much the same as "soon to die"?
Tom [letter]: "And if you catch me at about six in the morning, I'm all
three!"

The soulless who killed your girlfriend are after you and they are after me.

Tom [letter]: "But be warned... the soulless are known to be line
cutters."
Crow: The soulless... who?
Mike [singing]: "I've got no soul to sell..."

Luckily, they'll underestimate you this time.  I on the other hand, shall not be so lucky.

Tom [singing]: Luck be a lady... luck be a lady to-NIGHT!
Crow [letter]: "Don't you start trusting rabbit's feet either!  Look
where it got me!"

They know me and my past efforts against them.  I do take pride in knowing that our school will live on with the strength of the greatest master in over a thousand years, you.

Joel [Cedric]: "For what it's worth, grandpa, my heart will go on!  And
on, and on..."

But then I also take pride in knowing that I am going to a few of the bastards with me.

Mike [grandfather]: "Okay, baddies, who wants to go for a car ride?!"
Tom, Crow: Ooh!  Me, me!

 Cedric, go find my old friend Soun Tendo and have him take you to the

Crow [letter]: "...woodshed, and beat the living..."
Joel: That's just a bit dark...
Tom [letter]: "...prom and show you a good time but if he gets fresh,
slap the taste out of his mouth!"

1st Tokyo Bank of Nerima and open the safety deposit box in Soun's name.  He has the key.

Mike: Or else it wouldn't be in his name, see....
Crow [Soun, ominous]: "I AM THE KEYMASTER...."

Take the old parchment scrolls you find there to a man named Happosai who can translate them for you.

Joel: One to ten Happosai's going to take our sheltered little Cedric
on a panty raid or two before that happens...
Tom: I wouldn't bet against it.
Crow [Cedric]: "Geez, grandpop, anything ELSE you want me to do for
you?!?"

Then you can learn our school's greatest techniques.

Crow: ...from Happosai?
Tom [Happosai]: "Step one, grasp the panties using the thumb and
forefinger and then... The secret is to run away before you get
brained!"
Joel: Guys, Happosai does have his Happodaikarin technique and the
five-yen technique...
Crow: Does that mean that Cedric would turn into a babe like
Hinako-sensei?
Joel: Oh brother...

These techniques are not to be taken lightly, each one has more power than you can imagine.  With them you will be one of the most powerful beings in the world,

Mike: Meaning that a whole piece of fiction is perfectly useless!  He's
the most powerful period!  Let's pack it up, Cedric beats all!  That's
it!

so please remember what I have taught you about

Joel [letter]: "...collateral damage.  Remember, you are *not* the
3WA."

power.  Finally, you are to stay in Tokyo and train under Soun at his school.  I know you think you already know enough but there will come a time when you are deprived your ability to know an opponent's moves ahead of time.

Tom: So as things stand now... the "new" character already knows
people's moves before they make them and pretty soon will be getting a
technique that will conquer everyone.
Mike: Usually at this point, I'd go up to the menu screen to reset the
handicap setting.
Joel: So the grandfather's whole scheme is to slightly lower his
grandson's skill level through Anything Goes Marital Arts?
Crow: He's trying to give everyone else a chance!

I'd like you to be able to fight effectively without the Wiseman Sees All skill. This is an open ended ticket which means you stay over there until Soun feels you are ready.

Tom [letter]: "...to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
Crow [letter]: "Or until Japan deports you for panty-theft."

Try to train under Master Happosai if you can.

Mike: Why doesn't anyone want to train under, say, Cologne?
Crow: What about Ukyou?  Give Cedric a spatula!  Make things more
interesting!
Tom: Well, he could always try Kodachi... she could teach him style
points, at least.

Be warned that his methods are a little unusual, well, very unusual, but he is one of the greatest martial artists in the world.

Joel: So that's why Akane can stop him regularly when he tries to glomp
her or steal her underwear?
Crow: And yet Ranma-Chan seems to let her guard down enough for him to
get at least one cheap feel... hmmmm....

                                                       Sincerely,

                                                  Daffyd ApTristan

All: [laughing uproarously]
Crow: His... his grandfather!!  HAHAHAHA!!  His grandfather's Daffy!
Tom [Daffy Duck]: "HOOHOO HOOHOO HOOHOO!"

 Cedric sat there for a long period of time, first Eowyn and now Daffyd?

All: [still laughing]
Mike [Cedric]: "That damn Porky Pig!  I swear that swine shall HUNT
DUCKS NO MORE!!"
Joel: Hoo, boy... this is great.

/And then me.  /Well I hope the bastard gets here soon, I am going to have to discuss something with him,/ Cedric thought bitterly.

Joel [Cedric]: "Daffy was in all those films and he left me out of his
will?!"
Tom [Cedric]: "I'm going to have it out with him... what are the TRUE
lyrics to 'Merry-Go-Round Broke Down'?!"
Crow: Over tea and quackers, no doubt...
Mike: Wait... Daffy's in this, written by the King of Ducks...
coincidence?

The sounds of people screaming broke Cedric out of his reverie and he looked up.

Tom: Well well, whaddaya know?  Happosai's already arrived!
Mike [Cedric]: "Hmm, the sounds aren't coming from the ceiling..."

About twenty yards the strange man was going on a rampage and throwing people around.

Crow: Customs must be rough here...
Tom: Someone took the phrase 'Swing your partnet, do si do' a little
TOO seriously....

Cedric's face grew angry and fierce, here was the fight he had been looking for.

Tom: Get the feeling he's easily excitable?
Crow [Cedric]: "First those stews keep me up from London, I'm tired and
hungry... and what's more, I COULDN'T HAVE A CIGARETTE THE WHOLE
FLIGHT!!  PREPARE TO DIE!!"

 "Hey asshole.  Come over here and fight," Cedric screamed as the man looked up.

Joel: Someday I'm going to have to find out what's so fascinating about
airport ceilings!

A brave and foolish security guard took this time to bash the man over the head with his club.

Mike: So, ah... usually, don't security guards try to *restrain* people
or even call for backup before they start clubbing heads and taking
names?
Crow [Guard]: "This calls for Plan 12-A -- The Rodney King Gambit!"
Tom: Sure, he's an idiot... but man, does he have guts!

The man went down, hard.
 "Thanks kid," the security guard said as he pulled out a pair of handcuffs.

Tom: So the man goes down hard, and *now* the handcuffs are being used?
Mike: Tom, ick!
Crow [Security Guard]: "You're just the alibi I've been looking for!
You're under arrest for assaulting that poor sweet man over there!"

Quickly he brought one of the man's hands behind the jerk's back and slapped one side of the metal beauties on.  The man turned and pulled the cuffs out of the guards hands.

Joel: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the offender laying down on
the ground?
Crow [Security Guard]: "Uh, hello?  I'm not done yet!  Will you just
stay still for a minute!"

 "You are a very stupid young man.  Now you die, Blackblade Beam," the handcuffed man said

Crow: Okay, I'll bite... who's Blackblade Beam?
Tom: Can't be Cedric, he's already been introduced...
Crow: The guard, maybe?
Mike: That's African-Americanblade Beam, thankyewverymuch!
Joel: Political Correctness: The True Evil.

as he shot a beam of dark chi into the guard's chest.  The guard crumbled over.

Mike: Let's all have a moment of silence for poor bash-happy guard
Blackblade Beam... as his cremation seems to have occured already...
Tom: Sure hope his last wishes were, "Spread my ashes over the
airport."  At least they accomplished one out of the two.
Joel: He *was* E.L. Fudge.

"Idiot.  Now you there, yes you boy," the man said evilly as he pointed at Cedric,

Crow [man]: "Ain't I a great judge of character?"
Tom [man]: "Now move in a little closer, friend!  Let's get acquainted!
Mr. B Natural at your service!"
Joel [Cedric]: "But... but... you're not a man!  AHHH!!"

"Are next.  Blackblade Beam!"  A beam of dark chi flew forward at Cedric and Cedric rolled to the ground and avoided it.

Tom: Who is Blackblade Beam?!  The guard's dead!
Mike: Hey, has the man stood up yet?  Last I remember, he was still
lying down...
Crow: Homey the Clown's gonna show up with a black sock any minute now.

The beam travelled forward and blasted the chair to pieces.

Joel: Next the beam traveled downwards and blasted the floor to pieces!
Tom: After that, the beam traveled upwards and blasted the ceiling to
pieces!

 Cedric was now angrier than he had been in a long time, no, ever.

Crow [Cedric]: "Damn you!  That was the most interesting part of the
airport!"

Without a thought he jumped forward and the man stood there laughing at his aerial attack.

Tom: Act first, think second... always the BEST way to enter a knock-
down drag-out fight with someone pitching chi balls like they were
spitballs.
Mike [man]: "HAHAHAHA!! You look like a FAERIE!!"

The man grinned evilly and his hand was surrounded by the dark aura again.  This time Cedric met the smile with an evil one his own.

Joel [Cedric]: "Smile, this is One.  One, meet Smile.  Be careful
Smile, One is EEEVIL!"
Crow [man]: "O-oh yeah?!  Well, I don't see your hand surrounded by the
dark aura like mine!  So nyahh nyahh nyahh poopie-head!"

"Silent Mists," Cedric screamed

Mike: So... silent.  Yes.

as he used his chi to drop the surrounding temperature to the point where thick fog rolled over.

Crow: Which would have made little difference, considering the
largeness of an airport and the frequency of times it is open to the
outside air.
Tom: Yet another super-magnificent power from our super-magnificent
descendent of Daffy Duck, Cedric!
Joel: Duck Dodgers, watch out.

Then from there he concentrated his chi on silencing all noise.
 "..." the man said.

Crow: Followed by "...", "...", and the ever popular "--".

/What the hell?  I can't talk,/ the man thought before Cedric's foot swung and struck him in the head.  The man immediately attempted a counter kick but found no one.
 Cedric grinned, he didn't need to see or hear to fight.

Tom: Umm... he doesn't?
Crow: Well, his danger sense was so finely tuned, he could usually
avoid such encounters by running away...
Joel [Cedric]: "See no evil smile, hear no evil smile...."

The asshole fighting him seemed to need to though.

Joel [Cedric]: "BWAHAHAHA!!  I notice you need to see and hear to
fight!  You should have a finely trained sense of taste like I do to
help you when times like this occur!  BWAHAHAHA!"

Cedric shook his head ruefully.  Then he closed his eyes and concentrated on the silence, the mist, and where his opponent was.

Tom [Cedric]: "and... PUNCH!  Oww, that's the counter!  And... PUNCH!
Ow, that's the baggage carousel... where is that bastard?!"
Mike: Hey, I just realized he's ripping off Sailor Mercury's Shabon
Spray attack!

Then, without even opening his eyes Cedric jumped up and performed a perfect jump spinning back kick to his opponent's chest.

Crow: And for his next trick, he stood still to perform an standing
roundhouse kick with a quarter-twist!
Mike: Afterward, he ran at his opponent to perform a running tackle!

His opponent fell back a few feet.  The Cedric rolled away, moments before a beam of dark chi struck upwards through the mist.  /Shit,/ Cedric thought.  /He doesn't know where to shoot that, he's likely to kill more people.  Got end this quickly./

Joel: This is skipping worse than my collection of Bread's Greatest
Hits.
Tom: Vinyl?
Joel: Natch.

Cedric forward

Mike [Cedric]: "Cedric FORWARD!"
Crow: No, no, the foreword was long enough... no need to add, Cedric.

and struck his opponent repeatedly and then rolled away before his enemy recovered.  Cedric then leisurely walked behind the man and aimed for the top of the spine and

Tom: Thus providing the man with... oh, lessee... a good ten seconds of
recovery time?
Crow: Yes, always a smart move to hot dog when NO ONE CAN SEE YOU!

base of the neck.  This would be it, the killing blow.  Then his conscience hit him,

All: GO CONSCIENCE!  BEAT ON CEDRIC FOR A WHILE!
Tom: Make it fair!
Crow: Make it last!
Joel: <groaning> Make it stop....

/Kill him?  You don't even know him.  You know the way: avoid rather check,

Tom: Why?  Is Dan Rather a credit risk?
Crow: After all, it's important to remember that only killing people
that you know intimately is the way to go!
Mike: A public service message from Concerned Psychos.

check rather than block, block rather than strike, strike rather than maim, and maim rather than kill.

Tom: Tell rather than show.
Crow [conscience]: "And don't forget, stuffing rather than potatoes!"

You can avoid killing him./
 /But at what cost?

Mike: After PST and GST, probably more than you're willing to pay
Cedric.

At least one innocent is dead because of this man.

Crow: Actually, considering the actions of that guard, he wasn't all
that innocent...
Tom: More innocent than Britney Spears anyway...

His life is forfeit./
 Cedric then dissipated the mist by dropping concentration

Joel: Umm, lessee... he was in a blind rage earlier, yet he was able to
get the fog-machine in his mind humming... he's been having internal
conflict, but it turns out that he's been concentrating on Mr. Mist
the whole time?

and focused all his strength on his open palm.  "Rain of Blood," Cedric screamed as his hand

Crow: ...started dripping, a red viscous liquid.  Then Cedric realized
that he should have concentrated on making the *other* man bleed, but
it was too late...

lashed out between the base of the neck and the top of the spine.  It severed instantly.

Crow [Cedric]: "MY HAND!!! YAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Tom: Looks like somebody needs a han...
Mike: [clamps his hands around Tom's head] Don't say it.

The man crumpled, his neck broken and his brain hemorrhaging from the technique.

Joel: This man needs some Preparation H!  Quickly now people, quickly!
Mike: So, ah... what would happen if this man just turned out to be
insane rather than criminally inclined?
Crow [Cedric]: "Oopsie?"

 "Take that fragger.  Last time you run these shadows," Cedric said with an air of superiority.

Crow: Just what shadows he was running we'll never know...
Tom: Alec Baldwin?

 "It's not quite finished.  Witness the power of..."

Tom [man]: "NO BAKE BROWNIES!!  See, you don't even have to put them in
an oven!  They're really easy to mix and everything!"

the dying man began to cough up blood.  Then he regained himself, "The power of the Profound Darkness.  Daemon Form," within moments the man was no longer human.  Instead he transformed himself into a very large and angry daemon.

Joel: [daemon]: "YOU STOLE MY SEAT ON THE PLANE.  I SHALL NEVER
FORGIVE!"
Crow: Daemon?  He turned into a Cardassian?

 "Now my young friend, prepare to burn," the daemon said as it rose to a full seven feet.  Then it started floating a few inches above the ground.

Mike: Afterward, it grew feathers and a pair of elf ears.  Then it
turned polka-dotted and plaid all at the same time!

Cedric's hands lashed out in a series of strikes, each strong enough to shatter solid concrete.  The daemon just laughed.

Joel [Cedric]: "You know what my grandpa would say about you at times
like this?!"
Mike [daemon]: "NO.  WHAT?"
Joel [Cedric]: "You're desth-picable!"
Mike [daemon]: "EWW.  QUIT SPITTING ON ME."

Cedric howled in fury and struck out again with a mighty kiai, this time the daemon looked annoyed.  "Foolish mortal," it said as it backfisted Cedric to the ground.

Tom: Foolish Cedric, Kiai is for kids!

 Slowly Cedric rose and wiped a thin trickle of blood away from his mouth.

Crow [Cedric]: "Did I SAY I needed my wisdom teeth pulled today?
Hmmm?"
Tom: Ah, the classic fight cliche.  Next thing you know, he'll ask if
that's all the daemon's got....

Then he briefly took in the condition of his surroundings, the baggage claim was deserted save him and the daemon.  Then Cedric smiled.

Mike [Cedric, singing]: "I'm happy!  Oh so happy!"
Joel: Next he looked out a window to check for weather conditions.
Tom: So.  No security here, eh?  No armed policemen with guns
descending on this spot at all?  Not even someone to sweep the poor
guard up?

"Well drek-head,

Tom [Cedric]: "Riddle me *this*!  What is Wesley's line in episode 507
of 'Star Trek: TNG' at the forty-minute mark?"
Crow: 'Please kill me off so I can never ruin another episode as long
as I live!'
Tom: That's not even close!
Crow: Hey, a robot can dream, can't he?

prepare to be fragged," Cedric screamed with a mighty leap into the air.

Mike: Someone's played a bit too much Duke Nukem lately...
Crow: So, ah... no ceiling here either?
Tom: Unfortunately, it took several of them and several more bounds
before he was able to leap tall buildings
Crow: Superman, Cedric ain't.

His foot lashed out and smashed the daemon thrice.

Tom [Cedric]: "Methinks your rogue tomfoolery to be at an end, yon
hellspawn!"
Crow: Meanwhile, his other foot was lodged in a different place
altogether....
Mike: Performing the super-secret double-foot kick?
Crow: Uh... right.

Then it sent him hurtling through the air into the conveyor belt.

Joel: It what?
Mike: Him whom?
Crow: Well, someone flies through the air with the greatest of ease...

 "Mwahahahaha, you really think you can defeat me, Blackblade?

Joel: So "Blackblade" is just a generic name given by the daemon to
anyone?
Crow: Depends who's doing the calling.  Who's talking here anyway?
Tom [Tim Meadows]: "Yeah, the Ladies' Man calls everythang 'Sweet
Thang'.  I even call this candle sweet thang.  That's a nice sweet
thang you got on that plate there."

I am many centuries your senior boy.

Mike [shakes head slowly]: It's people like him that completely ruin
Social Security...
Crow [daemon]: "There are too many states nowadays, please eliminate
three.  I am not a crackpot."

It's too bad for you that you didn't kill this pathetic mortal host quickly.  Otherwise you would have won.  Oh well, live and learn I guess, well not in you case..."

Crow [daemon]: "HA!  DID YOU CATCH THAT, PUNY MORTAL?  I JUST MADE A
FUNNY AT YOUR EXPENSE!"
Tom [Cedric]: "Oh yeah!  OH YEAH?!?  Well, I AM RUBBER AND YOU ARE
GLUE!  SO THERE!"
Mike: Dialogue for the ages...

 "Shut-up before I shove my foot so far up your ass that you'll need a neurologist to remove it,"

Tom [daemon]: "Why-should I-bother to-shut up-anyway?  You're-the one-
losing!"
Mike: Poor Cedric, I do believe he means a "urologist"...
Joel [Cedric]: "My foot's going so far up, you'll be getting a free
heart bypass when I remove it!"

Cedric screamed as he rose to his feet and wiped more blood.

Joel [Cedric]: "Damn you!  I just cleaned this floor!  Wait until your
father hears about this!!"
Mike: Quit picking your nose, Cedric!

 "Ah... your anger is delicious."
 "Like it huh?  Well then drink deep my wrath,"

Crow: Anyone else for some hard drinking when this is done?
Tom, Joel, Mike: Hear hear!

Cedric said as he focused his energy into the greatest technique he knew.  The one his grandfather had told him had not been mastered for more than a thousand years.

Mike: It was... the immortal... HONK HIS NOSE AND RUN AWAY!
Joel [wiping away a tear]: Daffy would've been proud... *sniff*

A silver glow filled Cedric's hands and spread over his entire body as Cedric began to focus his chi and his anger into one silver-hot point.

Tom [Cedric]: "Ow!  Ooh!  Ow!  Not on the clothes next time, idiot!"
Crow: ...burning a large hole in his body as he collapsed in a pool of
blood.
Mike: That'll happen.

 The daemon saw this and looked confused.  There was something familiar about that attack, it just couldn't place it.

Joel [daemon]: "Didn't I see Bugs Bunny doing that somewhere?"
Mike [Cedric]: "No!  Get it right!  It was Grampa Daffy!"

It had been to long since it had last been used...
 "StarFire Burst," Cedric screamed as the silver-hot energy flew forward and struck the daemon head on, point blank range.

Tom: Then it flew sideways and disintegrated a bag bound for Cleveland
from three-metre range!
Mike: Then it flew in a circle and melted the luggage ramps from a long
way off!
Crow: Then it flew backward and hit Cedric with the recoil!
Joel: Now THAT's what I call a trick shot!

The daemon screamed and was absorbed by the energy within the attack.  Cedric slumped over, drained.  He had won, but just barely.

All [singing]: Hail to the victor valiant, Hail to the conqu'ring
hero... Hail, Hail, to Ced-er-rick, the hero of the East!
Mike: Go Michigan... err, I mean go Cedric!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Crow: From the same minds that brought you Chicken and Stars, it's...
Campbell's Noodles and Stars!
Tom: Mmmm Mmmm Bad!
Mike: [groans]

Please respond, I'd like to continue this.

Mike: Well, does that qualify for "asking for it"?
Crow: Okay, let's have at!  Firstly, this last scene... with our mega-
superpowered hero! We haven't the slightest idea about him as a
character, for gosh sakes!  Why should we get into his ritual massacre
of a daemon?  All he's doing here is kicking ass, taking names, and
getting even more insanely stronger with hundreds more techniques at
his disposal!  WHY?
Tom: And I'll take the scene in the middle.  Why Akane?  If this is a
dream, how come only a couple words of description and that's it?  You
might also want to get your locations down, Nerima Ward *is* the
northwest corner of Tokyo...
Joel: Guess that leaves me with the first scene.  The setup with the
old man wasn't bad, actually, even though you might want to clear up
the old man/faeries question before you go too much farther... the
opening couple paragraphs, on the other hand, served little to truly
grab your reader's interest.  If you shorten it up a bit, the readers
might be able to get to your second scene easier and might enjoy
themselves more.
Mike: Is it time to get on outta here?
Tom: You got it.  Let's book.
Crow: Nah, I've had enough of literature today, let's video!
Mike: [groans] Let's get out of here before we're innundated by bad
puns...

Satellite of Love, Two Minutes Later...

"For making fun of my puns, PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED!" Crow bellowed
from the entrance to the theater.  He took a flying leap over to Mike,
who was standing ready at the other side of the bridge.

"By the power of Cedric, I shall smite thee, spawn of Satan!  This is
the fight that I've been looking for!" Mike bellowed, standing at the
ready.  "Hey Crow, come over here and fight!!"

Crow snarled.  "I am over here, Blackblade Beam.  Are you some sort
of feeb or what?" Crow tried to snap off a roundhouse kick but Mike
yielded ground as Crow's leg actuator flew through empty air.

"What's all the noise in here?" Joel asked as he and Tom entered the
bridge.

Crow growled, "Can't talk, Blackblade Beams.  I'm fighting Mike right
now!"  He threw a punch that connected with Mike's thigh.  "Hey,
unfair!  You're a lot taller!"

"By the powers of Cedric," Mike yelled, "SILENT SHABON SPRAY!"  Mike
kicked the dry ice fogger that was conveniently left on the floor of
the bridge, and intermittent puffs of smoke floated out.

Joel shook his head in amusement and complained, "He's pretty close
to tripping Crow's subroutine, Tom.  I need to get my tools together,
and you need to find Gypsy.  This calls for plan KS-1."  Tom nodded as
much as he was capable and hovered off in the opposite direction of
Joel.

"Ha, Blackblade Beam!  You're forgetting that I have heat sensors!
You're behind me!" Crow howled, trying to catch Mike with a backhand
fist.  In a flash, Mike blocked with his arm and delivered a chop to
Crow's neck.  As the mists rolled around the floor, Crow started to
shake.  Mike took two steps back, a look of shock on his face.

"Uhh... are you okay, little guy?"

Crow continued to shake, and started to change.  First, his net
started to grow to monumental proportions, his thumbs became the size
of bowling pins, and he grew a tongue that rivaled a sleeping bag for
length.  Two red glints shown from his face.  Mike fled the bridge
while yelling, "He changed just like the daemon in the fic!  Joel!  I
think Crow's broke!"

"Get out of here!  He's a rogue boomer!" Tom shouted, hovering onto
the bridge.  Crow screeched with an unearthly sound, and Mike noticed
that Tom was wearing... a hardsuit. Gypsy came in from the other side,
dressed in blue to Tom's green.

Joel showed up a couple seconds afterward, wearing a long light-blue
wig.  "Good job, Sabers."

"You mean, this has happened before?" Mike asked, punctuated by a
screech from Crow and battle sounds, presumably from Gypsy's knuckle--
more accurately, head--bombers.

Joel nodded.  "Oh yeah.  I was lonely one rainy day, and we had no
experiments, so I decided to have some fun with Crow's functions."

"You mean he's your personal little Gato fighting simulator?!"  Mike
demanded.

The red light on the counter started flashing.  "No time Leon," Joel
declared. "Quincy and Mason are calling,"

-Deep Thirteen-

"So, Joel, this was worth not knowing when the experiments begin and
end?" Dr. Forrester chuckled as Frank fumbled around in the back.
"Frank, make sure we have a worse fic next time for our little Knight
Sabers, they seem to be fighting already and one more should send them
over!"

"Uh, Dr. F... I think I lost our archives in the Automatic Document
Mishandler," Frank reported, trying to sneer his best sneer as a way to
mollify his employer.

Dr. Forrester stalked over to Frank and rapped him on the head.
"You... you idiot! They're ripe for the taking, and you're telling me
that you've lost all our posts to torture them with?!  And wipe that
damn look off your face!"  He kicked the machine and heard a loud belch
from within.

Frank had the good graces to look embarrassed in response to Dr. F's
thunder-and-lightning glare.  "Well, if we look hard enough... we can
find them somewhere, can't we?  Heh, heh... heh?"  Frank, after seeing
the expression on Dr F's face offered, "Ahh, poopie?"

"You're damn right 'poopie'.  Get over there, push that button, and
we're going to find out if YOU fit in the Automatic Document
Mishandler!"  Dr. F grabbed Frank by the arm, led him forcibly to the
computer, and jabbed his finger on the button.

--POOF!--

"Take a deep breath, Frank."


o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na.."

The original idea for the SOL's invention, I was pained to notice,
was already used in my first MST for plot purposes.  Arrgh!  Well, go
with your backups I suppose...

For the past eight months or so, I've kept in slightly regular
contact with Megane 6.7, both working on projects with him (like FFIRC
MSTs), or for him (the Chicken Balls).  However, on this MST he's more
than returned the favor and given me a rather gratefully accepted
helping hand.  He's one of the best at this trade of MST writing, and
he's a great guy overall.  His latest project is an MST of an Utena
fic, "I Want To Meet A Prince Like Dear Old Dad, Mom, Sis, Bro And
Frisky", his twenty-ninth entry into fanfiction MST annals.  Also
shortly out will be "The Secret Flaw", an MST of a piece of Internet
spam.  Watch for them, they're both great!

As for me... well, after this one, my well is already dry.  Along with
thanking, I do apologize in part to King of Ducks as well, for the
simple fact that I requested to MST this work a full six months ago from
a computer terminal in Japan.  (Wow, six months...)  And considering the
fact that doing this whole thing took me maybe three weeks solid, that's
about how motivated to writing I am.  On the other hand, watch for
something else I've been toying with on and off since August, "Point
Source".  My main goal is to publish it at least in part before 2001.

And for the last plug of the day... I have built a new webpage with
the sole intent of posting my fan activities to the world at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst.  This webpage also has Megane 6.7's full
archive; every MST he's written in or contributed to, and even all of
his fanfiction having nothing to do with Joel and the 'bots.  It is
still in the rather lengthy process of being built, but it is rapidly
approaching completion.

Special Thanks To:
 Teachers of America
 The Authors of the First Amendment

/Here I am, Japan.  Land of the Rising Sun and makers of video games./

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...

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