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Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 21:26:23 -0500
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: "C. Jones" <guilty@furinkan.net>
Subject: [FFML] Ranma's Apartment: 4 - Storms
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Okay. It's a day late. Shoot me.
Well, that would just be counterproductive. This C&C is a bit late too...
But I've got an excuse! The FFML was down! Yeah, that's the ticket.
The FFML was down. My cat threw up on my keyboard, too. It took
forever to clean up. Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Major snippage below. Proceed with caution.
* * *
"I'll be right back," Ranma promised. The girl soon
returned with three bowls of ramen expertly balanced on her
finger tips.
"Okay, spicy pork for Akane," Ranma set the bowl of ramen
down in front of the girl,
I suppose Akane *would* be eating more pork, given the events that
concluded the last chapter. Isn't there an old saying to the effect that
revenge is a dish best served spicy with noodles in broth?
* * *
It would not do to have her Ranma-sama ensnared by such
wanton women. She would make a much better, much more demure
wife for him. She would never betray his love with another
woman.
Strange but true, Kodachi would characterize herself as demure. Good
characterization in this section.
* * *
Her dress and behavior had changed drastically since
Saotome left Nerima ward. Worse, she was gone from the area all
day, most days. When he or his loyal ninja tried to follow her,
all she did was ride the train all day, and get off at the end
of the day without giving neither hint nor clue to her original
destination.
He was at his wits' end.
Even though it's far from essential information for the story at hand, I
found myself wondering what the Kuno siblings are up to in the way of
life after high school. Besides obsessing over people who want nothing
to do with them, I mean.
* * *
"Do you think the dojo will be okay?" Akane asked,
concern showing in her expression.
"Oh yeah! Unless there's a typhoon or something!"
Famous last words.
* * *
Kodachi and her brother watched.
They waited in silence.
They waited some more.
Kunou started to expound upon Akane's beauty and Ranma's
crimes in heroic couplets.
Kodachi smacked him one and told him he had damn well
better shut up.
Funny.
* * *
Waiting in the foyer downstairs, Megumi, Belldandy and
Skuld stood patiently, or impatiently and scanning a nervous
panda, in Skuld's case.
"We've come to help everybody off," Megumi explained.
"Growf?"
"Kasumi-chan," Belldandy greeted her host. "I'll cook
breakfast for your family this morning so you can pack for your
trip."
"Why, thank-you Belldandy-chan!" Kasumi exclaimed,
"Why, thank you, Belldandy-chan!"
lightly embracing the other girl. "That's so generous of you!"
Soun looked up from his paper and goggled at the two
girls. He looked back and forth suspiciously between the two
for several minutes.
This section is chock full of fun character interplay. IMO you got the
two series to mesh together nicely here without it feeling forced.
"C'mon, Akane!" Nabiki demanded. "I *know* something's...
What!?!?" she asked, looking down at the young raven-haired
girl scanning her with a device that looked like it came
straight out of 'Star Trek'.
"Hmmm... no residual morphogenic signature," Skuld mused.
"Still, there's only one way to be sure."
She produced a glass of water and threw it into Nabiki's
unbelieving face.
"AAAAAA!!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" Nabiki screamed aloud.
"Now I think that should be perfectly obvious," Skuld
answered.
All the funnier because Skuld is right.
* * *
So now Ranma sat, almost an hour early for the meeting,
desperately trying to think of how to present this, the most
intimate of gifts, to the woman he loved.
Huh? I thought that he'd already... Oh! You mean the *lingerie!*
* * *
"But she'll be all by herself!!!" Soun lamented.
"Akane's a big girl, Father," Kasumi comforted him.
"Right, Tofu-sensei?"
Would she still be using "Tofu-sensei" at this juncture in their
relationship?
* * *
"It's the one with the facial tattoos," Genma whispered.
"Hmmm... The younger one, or the older one?" His friend
mulled.
"Older... the younger one's *too* young..." Genma
supposed.
"You're probably right..." Soun admitted.
Genma shook his head and took the opportunity to push his
glasses up just before they boarded the jet. "You remember what
the master always says about women with tattoos..."
I had a good laugh over this bit when I read it on your sight a while
back. Very funny, and on several levels too; that Belldandy and Skuld
are the objects of the fathers' speculation, the idea of Happosai casting
aspersions on *any* class of women, and that we don't get to hear
exactly *what* he always says about tattooed women, which allows our
imaginations to play with it. Nicely done.
* * *
The four girls hurried through the hallways of the
station which were almost deserted due to the growing storm.
For what its worth, I found myself questioning just how quickly an
ordinarily busy train station could empty out, since you just had that
business with Skuld commenting that the news of the storm was just
breaking.
* * *
"Kunou-sempai!" she stated nervously. "Did you spend all
night here at the station?"
"SILENCE!!!!" Kunou bellowed. His voice was unstable.
"Know this, Akane Tendou! Now that I have at last followed your
path to its conclusion, your days of servitude to the foul
demon Saotome are over!"
Having Kuno roar out "SILENCE!!!!" seems odd to me. In his mind,
Akane is the eternal victim of his rival/enemy and she has given him
no more provocation than to ask about his condition. IMO, Kuno, even
in his present ragged state of mind, would be much more likely to
elaborate on the privations he had recently suffered for the sake of his
love.
* * *
Kunou spit blood and fell backwards.
At that moment he knew that, should the whole "Ranma" gig fall
through, he was well qualified to land a supporting role on "DragonBall
Z."
"Run!" Akane yelled at her friends.
Nodding, Megumi grabbed Skuld's arm and led her past the
stunned kendoist and out the door of the train station.
Belldandy followed close behind.
IMO, Bell or Skuld would have tried to intervene in some way during
this unless Akane *specifically* told them not to because this fight is a
sort of rite of passage for her.
* * *
Kunou staggered, his bokken clattering to the sidewalk.
"I.... *haff* yield..... not...."
"He's not dead yet?" Skuld asked incredulously.
What I said before about "DragonBall Z."
* * *
Paying no heed to the voice, Akane careened into a
concrete support column near the side of the hallway since her
eyes were bleary with tears. She was knocked on her ass, but
felt no pain, since the pain in her heart was already
overwhelming.
Aren't these lyrics from a country/western song?
She staggered to her feet and continued her
flight, more running from the image in her mind of Ranma's
hands all over Kodachi's near-naked body.
Seriously, this paragraph seems sort of... clumsy, not an entirely
inappropriate word given the subject is Akane falling on her ass and
stumbling into things, at least compared to the rest of your work here.
* * *
Ranma, having finally worked himself free of Kodachi's
embrace, tumbled out into the hall just in time to see the
elevator doors close on the dark-haired girl.
Since Kodachi is also a dark-haired girl, you might consider a more
Akane-specific adjective.
* * *
Akane lurched back, horrified. Kunou's wet hair whipped
all around him in a terrifying nimbus. His bruised body stood
upright, unmoved by the elements. His eyes were totally devoid
of anything even close to reason.
Worse, he had abandoned his wooden bokken in favor of a
steel katana. Akane gulped upon seeing the razor edge of the
sword.
It still seems strange to me that Kuno is *so* much farther around the
bend than he usually is. I think I'd be more OK with it if there were
something in the earlier exposition and characterization to prepare me
for it. And BTW, since I doubt he had the time to run home and get it,
just where the hell was he keeping that katana during the earlier
fight? ;-)
* * *
Akane cried out at the painful blow, but staggered to her feet
and ran weakly back to the apartment, the wind blowing her
along and causing her to stumble. She had never felt so weak or
so powerless.
Nice contrast with her earlier confidence before the unfortunate scene
in the doorway.
* * *
Kodachi grabbed one of her discarded clubs and rapped him
across the back of the head.
"Sister... dearest?" he asked just before he passed back
out.
Considering the rather extreme portrayals of the sibling rivalry
between these two in both the manga and anime, I would have expected
him to say "Et tu, Kodachi?" or something in that vein.
* * *
"Really, Father," Kasumi said, comforting the man. "Akane
will be just fine. She has angels watching over her, you know."
Nice touch.
* * *
I've really enjoyed this series so far, and I'm looking forward to your
next chapter.
Best of luck,
Tor