C&C Below. Some snippage.
EDG <canthony@skyenet.net> wrote on 1 Oct 2000:
The following is the first chapter of a fic I've been thinking about for a
while; only tonight did it really solidify. Be assured that all OOCness
will be explained, if not resolved.
So noted.
[...]
Akane Tendo heard the sound of a powerful strike only a moment
before its recipient, Genma Saotome, entered the Tendo home horizontally
and in midair. Although his son's aim had been exceptional in that the
older man came in through the open doorway, he managed to take out a
closet, a wall, and a sliding door on the way out.
suggest: Genma managed to take out
(From the previous statement, "Ranma" is implied as
the subject, whereas I think you meant Genma's body. ;)
Ranma poked his head in. "Where'd he go?" he asked, looking
around. Akane pointed him toward the collateral damage without lifting
her eyes from the cookbook she was perusing, and Ranma sped past with a
hurried "Thanks!".
punc: "Thanks!"
(Don't put a period after the exclamation point.)
Outside, Genma lay flat on his face, a rip in the back of his gi
marking where the large rock between him and the house had caught him in
the small of the back. As his son walked up, he groaned and tried to
roll over; the purpling bruise on his back complained, and he winced and
pushed himself up to his hands and knees instead. "Good," he muttered,
and lifted himself into a reverse kippup.
As I recall, a "kippup" the technique used to go straight from a
a position prone on your back to standing (or at least crouching)
through kicking the legs and cleverly manipulating center of gravity.
As such, would a "reverse kippup" even exist? You'd just push up
with your arms.
Also, "kippup" isn't a position you lift yourself into; it's a maneuver.
Ranma was faster, though, and caught the older man's legs with a
foot sweep. Genma fell on his back, wincing slightly as the bruise
screamed indignantly at his brain, and tried to get up again, more
slowly this time. Again, Ranma took his legs out from under him, and
Genma smiled through the pain.
suggest: wincing slightly as the ankle screamed
or: as the bone screamed
(A bruise doesn't form until well after the blow has been made.)
Genma is cleverly demonstrating the strengths of aerial combat --
your ingrate sons can't trip you when you're not standing on the
ground!
"Enough, son. I think you've got the idea." He moved to get to
his feet again; the teenager tapped the bruise with his toe, and Genma
fell again, biting his lip against the pain. He looked up at his son,
summoning a stern look to his face.
suggest: tapped the ankle with
(Again, there hasn't been enough time for it to be a bruise.)
I'd also suggest Ranma do more than tap it; as a martial artist,
Genma is used to pain. If it's supposed to be a pressure point,
say "he applied pressure to."
"I said, that's enough, boy. Let's get something to eat. I can
smell Kasumi's fish-cakes from here-" The boy's foot lashed out again,
and this time when Genma landed, a jolt of pain lanced from the soles of
his feet to the base of his spine, and his legs started to tingle. He
gasped involuntarily, and Ranma smiled.
cap: enough, Boy.
(He's using the term as a proper noun.)
sp: fish cakes
(Not hyphenated.)
[...]
Heretech Productions
presents
Glorious!
a Ranma 1/2 fic by EDG
Suggest you either delete the whitespace between the above
lines, or use some delimiter between the body of the story
and the title.
Ranma sat at the table as Kasumi brought the fish-cakes over.
Everybody else, save Kasumi and his father, had already been seated, and
looked at him questioningly. "He'll be in in a sec," said the teen as
suggest: He'll be here in
(Avoid duplicated "in".)
he reached over Nabiki to snag a cake. "He's feeling a little under the
weather." Akane frowned at this, but kept her counsel.
The elder Saotome staggered in the door, eyes burning with ire
that was unapparent on the rest of his face. "Just... not at the top of
gram: wasn't apparent
("Unapparent" isn't a word.)
suggest: that didn't show
my form today," he explained, sitting next to his son. "You'd better
explain later!" he hissed.
Ranma nodded to his father and passed him a fish-cake. Genma
was about to bite into it hungrily when he realized the uncharacteristic
gesture, and started examining the cake thoroughly. Soun arched an
eyebrow. "Something wrong, Saotome?"
Who eats fishcakes by themselves? Aren't they decorative
things that go on top of other food? Like toppings for
ramen?
"He /gave/ it to me. There /must/ be something wrong with it,"
Genma explained as he searched the cake for poisons or drugs.
Wouldn't he check the food for discoloration or hairs? This
is Ranma we're talking about. If there's something wrong
with it, it's probably that his oaf of a son dropped it on
the floor. ;)
"Relax, pop, I said I'd save you some," Ranma said. "It's fine,
I just got it off the plate. If ya want, I won't do ya any more favors,
though." He grinned and hopped up. "I'm gonna wash before I head to
school."
Genma and Soun shared a look, as did Nabiki and Kasumi, and
Akane fumed silently. Each of them remembered the last thing they'd
heard him say before he got up this morning:
"I'm gonna go see Shampoo. See ya later."
This doesn't make sense. Firstly, only Genma would have heard
anything Ranma said while he was still in bed. Further, it
contradicts what he just said: that he's going to school. One
of these statements needs to be edited out.
Shampoo wa talking with Cologne about the merits of and possible
sp: was
uses for Instant Spring of Drowned Boy when Akane showed up, still in
her gi and looking for all the world like someone who was very, very
angry. "Shampoo!" she cried. "What have you done to my iinazuke?"
Cologne reacted first. "Your /what/?"
"Ranma! My iinazuke!"
Shampoo looked around. "Ranma do what with what?"
Well, I can see where this is headed... :j
"Aargh! What did you do to Ranma?"
"Why you not say so? Shampoo do nothing with Ranma. He come
over for ramen last night, we talk for a while."
"What did you put in it?" Akane was livid.
SHAMPOO: Getting recipe will not make you any better cook...
"Um... Shampoo put noodles, water, salt, little sage for
variety..."
Akane fumed. "You /know/ what I /mean!/"
"What, you want know how make noodles?" Shampoo got a
suspicious look on her face. "Akane not even able make ramen?"
Making ramen means pouring hot water into it. Making noodles
is significantly harder. Hell, they probably buy prepared ones
at the Cat Cafe.
The youngest of Tendo's daughters screamed incoherently and
started attacking Shampoo, chasing her around and finally out of the
little cafe. "Shampoo no BAKA!" she cried as she and Shampoo raced down
the street, followed by the Amazon's desperate cry of "Shampoo know
/who/?"
I'm reminded of the oft-used...
UKYOU: Here you go, Sugar. Okonomiyaki no Ranma!
And the response I always think of...
SHAMPOO: Give me okonomiyaki extra Ranma.
;)
"I can never understand that girl," muttered Cologne as she
started back in on today's dishes.
After Akane and Shampoo were a safe distance away, Genma and
Soun entered the cafe. "Cologne?" asked Genma, and the old woman poked
her nose out of the kitchen.
SOUN: She has a nose?
GENMA: More of a withered snout, really.
COLOGNE: [whacks with stick]
"Yes, Saotome, Tendo? What can I do for you?"
The two exchanged a look, and Soun started to speak. "It's
about Ranma... he's acting oddly today, and we know he came to see
cap: He's acting oddly
(Start of sentence.)
Shampoo last night. We were wondering if Shampoo had put anything in
his food that we should know about..."
Cologne cackled. "Is that all you're worried about? As far as
I know, Shampoo didn't do anything to the ramen he ate. I didn't make
it, so I can't be sure, but since Ranma asked /Shampoo/ if they could
get together, I doubt she would have done something like that."
Soun and Genma exchanged another glance.
"And yes, I was watching the whole time. Ranma stayed for about
three hours, and they talked the entire while."
GENMA: It's even worse than I feared.
Talking for three hours? No fighting?!
[...]
"Don't we always have to do something ourselves?"
"It always devolves to the competent."
That last sentence needs to be changed; it's just plain wrong
as stated now. Things *devolve* to become competent?!
----
I'm not terribly sure what to make of this fic. I liked the scene
between Akane and Shampoo, but that really has no business being
in even a semi-serious fic. And I can't quite *tell* if this is
supposed to be a serious fic or not. The coefficient of wackiness
was quite low at the beginning and end.
I liked the characterizations except Ranma's. Soun, Genma, Cologne
and Shampoo all seem to be getting fair treatment. I'm not willing
to judge Akane yet, based on the silly scene she was in. ^_^
I'm taking your word for the moment that his out of character
behavior will be explained. But I'm not willing to wait that long
to find out. If you don't address completely it in the next part,
at least give hints, or give an indication that Soun and Genma are
getting close to the answer.
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"