Reasonably good story in and of itself. Unfortunately,
your choice to make this a _Ranma_ story, as opposed to,
say, a Maison Ikkoku story, is really fatal to getting your
readers to suspend any disbelief at all.
More on this after the point-by-point.
Another day, another yen. Akane rose from her bed,
Odd thing to occur to Akane. Some of your readers are going
to be misled into thinking this is an alterverse where Akane
has Nabiki's personality.
Aw, why did mornings have to be so bright?! She covered her
eyes from the light, wishing like anything for a few extra
minutes of sleep.
Again, this is Nabiki's canon characterization, not Akane's.
Akane goes jogging every morning before breakfast.
The sensation started in her chest, spreading
throughout her body with tingling fingers that lit every
nerve like a roman candle and sending her head into a tailspin.
It had started a month ago, the spells coming on all
of a sudden and leaving just as quickly.
Given what we learn this is, the question arises as to why so
late in Akane's life? She's sixteen; isn't this supposed to
happen to fourteen-year-olds?
Nabiki stared after her younger sister, who was
storming out of the house in a huff and leaving everyone
stunned in her wake.
Actually, this behavior is not that unusual for Akane as early in
the series as you've set this story. Remember, Kasumi herself
characterized Akane as a "violent maniac" in Volume 1.
"And in world news, anti-mutant hysteria is still
gripping the United States of America and most of Europe, as
militant factions gather strength and continue to lash out at
what is called the "Mutant Menace..." the anchorman droned.
Okay, now we know what's going on. However: this isn't news,
this is bad history. News would be: "today tens of thousands
of protesters massed in Washington D.C. as the Senate debated
passage of the Anti-Mutant Act." News is some concrete event
happening today or yesterday, not an unverifiable trend.
You might also want to consider dating this event if you've
any plans to crossover with X-anything (as opposed to just
using the basic X-Men conceit).
Now everyone KNOWS I'm sick. Kasumi's going to keep badgering
me to get some rest, Dad'll be pulling his hair out, and all
the while I'll be stuck between them!
This seems OOC to me for Akane. Going to this extreme to
avoid health-care is a Ranma thing to do, not an Akane thing.
Akane would think of this behavior as a male stupidity.
Just the girl, Isao thought as she vanished from
sight. A girl with the destructive potential of a hundred
martial artists, and she didn't even know it. Yet.
Now, this could reflect: 1) Isao's ignorance of the potential
of martial artists in the Ranmaverse, or 2) Isao's knowledge,
via some Cerebro-equivalent, that Akane's potential is more
like Magneto's than, say, the (comic-book version of) Toad,
or, for that matter, most of the original five X-Men.
Akane sat beneath the tree, languishing in the cool
shade provided by the canopy of leaves above. Another day
of beating the tar out of Furinkan's entire male populace,
Huh? (scratching head) If this is vol 5-6, the daily fights
stopped a while back.
Ranma was nowhere to be found, which suited her just
fine. What she didn't need right then was a cocky boy who
thought way too much of himself.
Just checking... This is AFTER the combat figure skating match,
where Ranma told a huge crowd that he'd kill anyone who laid
their hands on his fiancee? Akane _was_ impressed by this
enough to remember it when Shampoo showed up.
Her unbelieving eyes bore witness as Ranma's back
arched severely, his mouth open in a silent wail as tendrils
of brilliant azure light arced across his body.
<clip>
He flew backward like a missile, ramming into the outer wall
of the campus with enough force to leave a deep crater in
the stone.
Okay, this _might_ have killed Ranma instantly, I suppose,
but if not, he sometimes walks away from similar injuries.
On a few occasions he spends a couple of days in the hospital.
"What happened?" asked a voice from her right.
"Ranma touched Akane," replied another.
"She electrocuted him!" Shouted a third. "He just
touched her and... ZZAP!"
"Oh," said the first. "Well, we'd better get to class. What's
for lunch?" The students all shrugged and turned to walk
inside the school.
No! I didn't mean it! Akane rose to her feet, her
eyes registering the gathered crowd. Their faces were filled
with fear, eyes locked on either her or Ranma.
"I..."
"Akane did it!"
"Is she..."
"Oh, my..."
"I never..."
<clip>
"FREAK!"
Well, I have to agree with Jason Liao on this. Why didn't
these same students suspect Ranma, Ryouga, Kodachi, and
Shampoo of being mutants? Well, maybe they did, but we're
not told so.
This reaction just doesn't work, given what we KNOW these
students have already accepted. In particular, there is
NO reason for the students to suspect, from this evidence,
that Akane is a mutant as opposed to: 1) affected by a
new Jusenkyou curse, or 2) come into possession of some
legendary artifact, or for that matter Chinese commercial
good, or 3) possessed by an oni or other spirit.
Nabiki watched as the paramedics loaded Ranma into
the waiting ambulance, unable to believe what her eyes and
ears were conveying to her brain.
"He's not dead yet!"
Paramedic produces mallet and hammers Ranma.
Okay. Ranma had been electrocuted, so the popular
concensus said, but how? If the voices of the lingering
students were to be believed, then Akane was responsible.
Shouldn't this be almost automatic? Who else _ever_ does
any real damage to Ranma?
then how could it have happened? Static electricity didn't
have anywhere near that kind of power.
Nabiki wouldn't waste time trying to figure out how. She'd
be confident that someone would show up to explain it within
the day.
But there was none, and Nabiki knew it. Akane; her youngest
sister, the one she used to call "Baby"... was a... mutant.
Nabiki fought against the urge to collapse into tears,
barely maintaining her cool facade.
All right, who are you and what have you done with the real
Nabiki? We know perfectly well that the REAL Nabiki would be
planning how to make money from this revelation!
Thought and emotion swirled around a central truth, one that
she desperately sought and shied away from all at once.
Even in the Marvel-verse, there are LOTS of alternate
explanations available for an occurence like this: visiting
aliens gave her powers, she was bitten by a radioactive
electric eel, etc, etc. In the Ranma-verse there are a near-
infinite number of possible explanations. Why is everyone
leaping to the same single conclusion, without even going
to Dr. Tofu for any tests?
It was never easy, especially not in Japan, for a
mutant to accept what he or she was. Often, when it was
discovered sepukku was the preferred; even expected, way
of dealing with it.
Okay; this obviously isn't any standard Marvel-verse, either,
given that Japan is probably the MOST accepting country for
mutants, given what we know of the X-Men's public appearences
in that country, the way they've worked with the Japanese
government, and the semi-public nature of that Japanese
mutant's (Sunfire?) career...
A faint blue glow enveloped Akane, making the hairs on his
arms and neck stand to rigid attention. This was no battle
aura, this was a manifestation of her mutant powers.
How does Isao know? More interestingly, what exactly _is_
the difference (maybe none)?
Akane's glare changed to a look of amazement as
Isao's eyes began to glow an arctic blue.
<clip>
the sudden drop in temperature stealing her breath
<clip>
a sheet of ice quickly formed over the object
<clip>
The stone flew free nearly at the termination of his
swing, sailing toward the frozen bench and smashing through it.
Akane could only watch in shocked amazement as the
stone punched a hole through the center of the bench. A
fine webwork of cracks spread out from the impact, the
sound of splintering ice reaching her ears before the
entire bench collapsed into a heap of frozen shards.
"That's ALL?" an indignant Akane demanded. "All that
build up, and all you've done is demolish a PARK BENCH?
I could do that when I was SIX! And you left yourself
wide open to attack in the meantime, too!"
She was a mutant. She had powers like other mutants,
powers that martial arts training could never bestow.
BTW, you've yet to demonstrate this. Post-vol-38 Ranma
could probably duplicate this feat exactly. For that matter,
he might be able to anytime after his "soul of ice" training.
"He's not my boyfriend."
OOC for Akane to say precisely this. How about "Our parents
arranged it!", with a blushing protest?
However, that whole Jusenkyou bit was something he'd
have to see before he'd ever believe it.
Now you're making a point of the Ranmaverse having more
strange things in it than your mutants expect. This goes
against your entire effort to persuade us that being a
mutant is "different".
They would be terrified of her, afraid of the mutant girl
that stood in their midst.
Okay, we understand why _Isao_ believes this; but how about
persuading your readers that this reaction is likely, or
even possible?
Honor and purity of the race, and all that other happy shit.
Sometimes, the Japanese were too homogenous a culture for
their own good.
It would be just as Japanese to accept mutants completely,
but simply to politely never talk about them in public.
You might want to pick up a copy of Karen Smyer's "The Fox and
the Jewel" for more on this: in some things, a superficial
homogeneity conceals a lot of diversity, simply because
the Japanese never talk to each other enough to know.
To conclude: your premise seems badly flawed to me. The
readers on this list are not, IMO, going to be able to
believe in your premise sufficiently to keep reading your
story.
There are two things you can do, IMO. One: you can rewrite,
to use a more normal series, where being a mutant really
might give this kind of reaction. How would Godai react
if Kyoko became an electricity-throwing mutant? Or vice-
versa?
OR, you could change this to a comedy. Change Isao to a non-
Japanese mutant who, like Magneto, believes the worst, then
have ALL of his preconceptions destroyed by preserving the
actual Ranmaverse. The students go "ho-hum", Ranma springs
back to his feet after the electrocution asking to see
Akane's new technique, nobody even guesses that Akane's new
ability is because she's a mutant, etc. Maybe have Ranma
duplicate your mutant character's feat, without mutant powers.
Maybe, like "Yet Another Akane/GL Fic", you could even get
some laughs from how Akane's mutant powers _still_ don't get
her anywhere close to Ranma's abilities.