Well, Sebastion Fitsroy beat me to the punch by quite a large margin,
posting two Deconstructions in the time it took me to complete one. Since
I'm supposed to be in charge of this little sub-group of the SLR team, I
suppose I should feel guilty about that.
Okay. I'm done feeling guilty. :)
"One War, Three Sisters", a three-series crossover by Adam Brown, is to
be my first vict-- er, SLR_Decon post. Ahem. ^_^; It's garnered a bit of
attention on the list, even though (until recently) it was untitled. Unless
I'm mistaken about the title, that is; I haven't seen it posted, just on the
website.
First off, Mr. Brown, let me say that you probably could not have chosen
a group of series' that would catch my attention any better than these
three. I thoroughly enjoyed everything I've read so far, and am looking
forward to more.
That said, there are some issues that I feel could use some work, which
is why I chose this fic.
This is based on the fic in its (so far) entirety, chapters 1 through 5;
I'm using text from the material provided at
http://abnighthawke.homestead.com/StarcraftRanmaXCom.html, as well as
previous posts to the FFML.
As always, all comments are my opinion only. Feel free to ignore them
if you want. But who would want to? :)
Mr. Brown, your fic has been targeted and locked in. Prepare to be
Deconstructed.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Adam Brown" <abrown@wwdb.org>
To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Wednesday, September 06, 2000 10:23 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Starcraft][Ranma][X-Com][Crossover] Chapter 1: Apocalypse
"Hey Jerry, get a look at this!"
Proper names are seperated from text in dialogue by a comma. Using the
above, it should be:
"Hey, Jerry, get a look at this!"
Personally, I think it would work better like so:
"Hey, Jerry! Get a look at this!"
but that's just me. :)
Jerry Holas, an astronomer at S.E.T.I. or Search for Extra
Terrestrial Intelligence walked over to his colleague's workstation. He
Mm... a better way to say that might be:
Jerry Holas, an astronomer at the Search for Extra Terrestrial
Intelligence -- SETI for short -- walked over to his colleague's
workstation.
was the picture of the perfect nerd. Thick glasses sat on a prominent
beak of a nose, covering part of his high-set cheekbones. His head was
small in proportion to the rest of his body, which was thin like a
scarecrow. He nodded to Paul, a fat man with dark hair and a thin beard.
"What is it?" he asked.
"We've got some sort of signal coming in."
"What kind of signal?"
This is something that's VERY common throughout the entire fic, all
chapters. You have some minor formatting issues that, while mostly
unimportant, still break the flow. Some are downright confusing.
I'd suggest using any of a number of utilities out there to format each
chapter before you send it. A good one, recommended in the FFML FAQ, is
3FT, by Sam (Subi) Brown. It's available at
http://www.gameart.com/4ca/code.html. You can also try WinHelper, by Jason
McKesson (no website available, AFAIK). I've made the only version I know
about available on my site at http://www.sofaspud.org/winhelper.zip.
Also, you'll want to make sure you indent new paragraphs. The most
common method is to indent your paragraphs four to six spaces, and to
include one line of vertical whitespace between paragraphs.
And nothing beats a good old-fashioned pre-read(er). :)
[snip]
"Ranma! Ranma wake up! Wake up, Ranma!"
Ranma jerked out of sleep and to full wakefulness. "Akane!
Don't...wha-"
"Ranma, I've been trying to wake you for five minutes! You're such
a jerk! We're missing the news!"
"If I had to wake up to your face every morning, I think I'd rather
be dead!" came the automatic retort. Then what she said sank in. "What's
so important on the news?"
"Aliens are coming! There's already one group in orbit and another
on the way! They were spotted last night by some American astronomers.
Ranma groaned. "You woke me up for a half baked story like that?
(Not that you could bake to save your life.) If I'd known that you
liked reading tabloids, I'd have bought you some. Leave me alone."
Ranma rolled over and went back to bed.
"Ranma get up! I'm serious!"
"Tell it to someone who's stupid enough to believe a story like that.
Maybe Kuno."
"RANMA!" Akane picked him up and threw him out the window.
Yeesh.
Sorry, but this scene right here almost killed the fic for me.
Incredibly cliche, and there's no reason for it, as far as I can tell.
Akane's pissed for no reason. Ranma's fairly IC, IMO, but why is Akane
PO'd?
Now, I'm not saying she's even-tempered in either manga or anime... but
there's always a reason for her anger. Here, there doesn't seem to be. She
KNOWS that he's a heavy sleeper -- hell, the whole ward knows it :) -- and,
unless he's insulting her in his sleep, he's not done anything yet to annoy
her. Besides not wake up, that is, which is, again, normal.
Perhaps it's the "You're such a jerk!" line that set me off. WHY is he
a jerk for not waking up?
And Ranma's retort doesn't make much sense, either. I'd expect him to
say something along the lines of, "Aw, whaddya want? I'm tryin' ta sleep!"
rather than the blatant (and incredibly harsh) insult he used.
Now, jumping ahead a bit...
I may be wrong, and I hope I am, but I sense a very distinct author bias
in this work. Akane is shoved off to the side in this, the first chapter,
and immediatly in the next Ranma and Nabiki are married, with only a quick
mention of some time having passed to warn us that things have changed.
*blinkblink*
Waitaminute, did I miss something?
The method you've chosen to shuffle Akane out of Ranma's life is harsh.
That's okay - it's a story, and it's a story about war. Therefore, some
people are gonna get hurt or die. No prob.
But why on Earth (or, maybe, off of it, in this case... :) would Ranma
ever marry Nabiki?
He wouldn't... if he were the same Ranma that we know. Since it's
obvious that he's not, I can accept that he did. BUT... you REALLY need to
show us HOW he got there. Just plopping the two of them together doesn't
work, my friend - you'll have people calling "Foul!" faster than an
Amaguriken.
[snip]
Through the sky blue of the atmosphere, hordes of Mutalisks dove down
to the Earth. Their orange worm-like bodies had a pair of purple bat
wings growing out of either side. Right behind them were Guardians, large
purple aliens, followed closely by Overlords, which were shaped like
purple
jellyfish, their tentacles twisting around underneath their bulbous
bodies.
The perspective you're telling this story from will let you get away
with this, but it's still jarring. None of the characters know what these
flying critters are called, so why should we? But the narrator does, and
tosses it out like it's old hat. It's distracting, and would probably be
even more distracting to someone who's unfamiliar with Starcraft.
I'd suggest just describing the beasties, and later on having the marine
give the proper name for it. For example:
[Right after Mumuro scans for life signs]
"Sir! Bravo squad reports another flight of Muties incoming!"
"Muties?" inquired a dumbfounded Genma.
"Mutalisks. The flying critters with the ricocheting spitballs," Mumuro
answered offhandedly. He turned to the waiting soldier. "All right.
Prepare to fall back. We've got to get these civilians out of here."
Add detail as necessary. :)
[snip]
They leapt from rooftop to rooftop, devouring the distance between
the Tendo compound and the Cat Cafe. Those who could not make the jumps
were carried, Kasumi by Soun, and Nabiki by Genma. They raced just barely
What about Akane? I don't recall her being able to jump like Happy and
Ranma could.
[snip]
Genma, tears in his eyes, said, "No. We'd hoped...but, no they
weren't family. Just close friends."
Ouch. Very nicely done; I can see Genma saying this, even though by any
outsiders viewpoint, they pretty much were family.
Kudos.
[snip]
sighed. "I guess we were wrong."
Happosai looked down at the burning city below. Crying, he said
"I-I'll never get to see Akane in a bra ever again!"
Enraged, Genma bellowed, "Don't you think about *anything* else?!"
Genma kicked him out of the shuttle, back into the arms of the Zerg.
And was immediatly ventilated by the X-Com soldier.
Oh, wait, he wasn't?
Well, why not?
X-Com was supposed to defend humans against the aliens. They took that
very seriously. Why would the X-Com soldier allow Genma to kick a human
*out of a flying vehicle* and into the arms of the aliens?
Granted, Happy's not an especially attractive or decent example of
humanity, but still...
:)
Now, from this point on, I'm going to mostly comment on overall plot,
rather than dissecting the chapter. Everything is very readable, with the
exception of the parts that were hit by the formatting errors, and most of
my comments would be technical in nature, covering stuff I've mentioned
already before - indents, proper names in dialogue, and the like.
I will just make one more comment here, though:
----- Original Message -----
From: "Adam Brown" <abrown@wwdb.org>
To: "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: Thursday, September 07, 2000 9:48 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Starcraft][Ranma][X-Com][Crossover] Chapter 2: Suicide Run
Part 1
5 years later
Ranma peered out at the desolate landscape from the sentry blind.
Ruined buildings and debris covered the land, which had once been a
thriving metropolis. But since the coming of the Zerg, everything had
changed.
Good way to set the scene, but couldn't it be fleshed out more?
Especially with regards to the new relationship between Nabiki and Ranma?
Perhaps something like:
---------------
Over the next few years, Ranma threw himself into training with a zeal
that surpassed even his fathers' expectations. At first, it was because he
couldn't face the fact that Akane was dead. Then, it was to tire his mind
and body enough so that he could sleep, even through the nightmares that
plagued him night after night. And finally, under the auspices of the Ghost
training program, it was a necessity.
Over time, he gradually let go of the memory of Akane. It was a slow,
painful process, but he was eventually able to look at life from a rational
perspective once more.
Nabiki had a harder time of it. Her ...
---------------
... and so on.
Granted, that would be my approach, and may not suit you at all. But
you really do need to give us a bit more than, "Five years passed, Ranma and
Nabiki got married, became Ghosts, and are now ready to kick ass." I mean,
that DOES seem a bit of an abrupt summary, doesn't it? :)
In chapters 2 and 3, you reveal that Akane's not dead. Or, not quite.
:) Nice choice of name for her, by the way - Phoenix, the legendary bird
that rises from its own ashes. Very well done.
What I can't help but wonder is why the Protoss used her in this way.
And that's to the good - a good author will make their readers wonder. Some
hints, however, would be nice.
Plot-wise, you seem to have a solid foundation here. The story feels as
though it's just getting started, which is good. But I do have to admit
that I have no idea where you're going with it... and that may not be so
good.
All good stories have elements to them that hint at future developments.
Sometimes subtle, othertimes blatant, it's always there. I can see a few,
but... well, none of them seem long-term.
By long-term, I mean: none of them seem like they're pointing at
something that is crucial to the climax of the story, which I can only
assume we're not anywhere near yet. You might want to look at that,
although it's not a pressing matter - you're doing a good job as-is.
And, like the saying goes - don't fix it if it ain't broke. :)
Chapter 4 was a bit of a surprise. And, one hell of a laugh. :) It
WOULD be Kasumi to be the only one who befriends the Zerg, wouldn't it? :)
One question I had was, why was she buried in the hive? What was going
on there? You didn't hint at ANYTHING for that, which is frustrating.
Chapter 5 was good, if predictable. From the moment Nabiki walked into
Ranma's hospital room, I knew she was going to get hurt. I'm not saying
that's a bad thing, but you might want to add a twist somehow. How, I'll
leave up to you - it's your story, and how you handle it is your business.
Besides, I've already told you how to do things way too much in this
Deconstruction anyway. :)
Overall:
I'm very excited. I'm very pleased. I want you to get right down
there, get -
Oh, sorry, slipped into movie-quote mode for a moment. Won't happen
again. :)
Anyway. I like. The story is good, the action is well-written and
believable, and the dialogue - while a bit talky for some characters
(Ranma) - is good.
I'm looking forward to more.
You Have Been Deconstructed. Have A Nice Day!
Brian Payne
sofaspud@sofaspud.org
http://www.sofaspud.org