Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][fic] [SM] Mirror Image
From: "Juliet Ormonde" <jules_o@edsamail.com.ph>
Date: 9/15/2000, 9:54 AM
To: gelles@yahoo.com, "FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>


gelles@yahoo.com wrote:



Mirror Image
A Sailor Moon fanfic by Kristin Renee Taylor
(gelles@yahoo.com)


Hi Kristin! :)


	There are a lot of things that can be said about the
blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl that is looking at me, especially if
one choses their words based soley on her outward appearance. I've
often heard the words "snob" and "concieted" and even the occasional
"airheaded ditz." However, I knew that girl first hand and, although
she was many things, I had never considered her to be any of the
words that I had previously mentioned.

You know, before I read this through, I thought you were talkin' abt Usagi... er, Serena... whatever ^^; They have a lot in common, ne? 

	I turned slightly and the image in the mirror mimicked my
movements exactly. Stuyding myself, I sighed quietly and muttered,
"Life sucks."

One of the things that most nitpickers of the SM NA dub noticed alot about it is the fact that it was "adapted, not translated." It comes apparent to your fic in form of these tow words... it connotes, to me at least, American teenage angst summed up in tow words, "Life sucks." Dun get me wrong, if this fic had a jap version, the idea would be there... only your choice of words conveys such to me.

	I leaned forward, so close to the silvered glass that my breath
misted it slightly, partially obscuring my twin's mouth and nose.
Pale blue eyes locked with thier mirrored equivalent, I said to my
other half "A thousand years from now you're going to be alive, and
you still won't get a man. It's a good thing you're used to being
alone, isn't it?"

Wow, an introspective SM fic. Usually those are reserved to Hotaru-chan otaku, ne? I mean, Minako Aino is the _last_ person to get this kind of fic. Cool ^_^

	I wasn't entirely sure how to react to her and that made no
sense. I always knew how to act. I was a great actress. Just ask
anybody if they ever knew how I really felt and I'm pretty sure they
could tell you about any of the numerous roles I've had to play.
After all, the Avatar of Love and Beauty should never let anyone know
that she's really depressed. Self-image and all that crap.

Hmmm... so far so good... a mask of self hidding behind the depression within, all summed up in teenage juvenile talk. 

	It could have happened. We really could be sisters, I mused as
she and I regarded one another in perfect silence.

So there we are with the sameness thing... how about a suggestion? Make a reverse-side type of POV... after going with the Mina POV, go with the Serena POV, for more efect. 'course, it's only a suggestion.

	"I didn't hear you come in, Serena," I said, breaking the
aforementioned silence first, striving to make my voice its usual,
sing-song, happily musical lilt. The effort failed, and the result
was that I sounded wearily tired, which probably wasn't too far from
the truth. I was tired.

The description is kinda flat here. The reuse of tired came in a bit akward. Suggest:

The effort failed, and the result was that I sounded worn and flat and my voice came in almost a monotone. Damn, I was simply tired.

Or something to that effect. I'll know you'll come up with something ;)

	Her reply was simply, "I'm sorry, Mina. I didn't know till now."
	Whatever I had been about to say froze as my stunned mind came to
two swift conclusions: Serena had managed to see through my disguise,
and I despretly

desperately

 needed someone.
	I wasn't aware of her ever moving, but I suddenly found myself in
her tight embrace. Her voice was thick with emotion and I felt her
tears as they begin to soak into the fabric of my shirt. She said
fiercly, "You're not alone, Mina. And you never will be again."

Count on dear Serena to come to the aid of an ailing friend... she's that kind of person, yupyup 

	The compassion behind those two simple sentences rendered me
speechless. My chest tightened almost painfully as a swirling miasma

Using archaic words is not appropos ;)

of emotions tore through me, all of them so thoroughly entangled that
identifiying a single one was beyond my momentarily shattered
reasonings. My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes and I hugged
her fiercly

fiercely

 as I begin to sob.
	She held me tightly while I cried, never saying a word, and the
sheer strength of her love was almost tangible. It sank into me,
healing a part of my soul that I had long since given up as
unredeemable.

suggest: beyond redemption.


	"Wow, you are feeling better," Serena commented and some of the
lingering concern in her deep blue eyes faded somewhat. She released
my shoulders and curiously studied the duo in the mirror behind me.
"Y'know what, Mina? People must think we're twins or something."
	I laughed, pleased with the sound and happy that, for once, it
wasn't forced, "I can't see why, Serena. We're nothing alike."


:)


Nice fic. Save a few things, quite nice. Add [WAFF] to the header. Oh yeah, the [FFML] header is automatic, no need to add it.


Peace, love, and a bit of WAFFiness,
Jules :)




--------------------------------
Kristin Renee Taylor - Bad Gal Extrodinare
B'ENT - Home of SAILOR MOON: THE REJECTED EPISODES
http://www.geocities.com/sailorfalcon/
"Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet
engines."





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