Date:
Tue, 12 Sep 2000 11:57:45 -0700 (PDT)
From:
Kristin Taylor <sailorfalcon@excite.com> |
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[FFML] [FFML][fic] [SM] Mirror Image
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My comments @@
Everything is In My Opinion ONLY. ^_^
Mirror Image
A Sailor Moon fanfic by Kristin Renee Taylor
(gelles@yahoo.com)
There are a lot of things that can be said
about the
blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl that is looking at me,
especially if
one choses their words based soley on her outward
appearance. I've
often heard the words "snob" and "concieted" and even
the occasional
"airheaded ditz." However, I knew that girl first hand
and, although
she was many things, I had never considered her to be
any of the
words that I had previously mentioned.
I turned slightly and the image in the mirror
mimicked my
movements exactly. Stuyding myself, I sighed quietly
and muttered,
"Life sucks."
@@<eeeep> I can't believe I'm going to make a remark
about spelling. ^_!
But I am. Three misspelled in the first two
paragraphs. Use spell check.
(I can't BELIEVE I said that. . . .somebody help
Kleppe-san, he's
swallowed his tongue laughing at me.)
Not a bad beginning otherwise. A _bit_ slow. I'd
shorten it by
two or three lines, just to pick up the pace.
I leaned forward, so close to the silvered
glass that my breath
misted it slightly, partially obscuring my twin's
mouth and nose.
Pale blue eyes locked with thier mirrored equivalent,
I said to my
other half "A thousand years from now you're going to
be alive, and
you still won't get a man. It's a good thing you're
used to being
alone, isn't it?"
@@Good. Very good. You want to get to this point
ASAP.
Gazing into the depths of those strange eyes,
I found the
presence trapped within to be highly disconcerting,
especially since
I could see the depressed lonliness there so easily. I
wondered,
briefly, why nobody else ever saw it, then shoved that
thought aside.
I knew the answer, even if I hated it.
I straightened with another sigh and watched
as the proof of my
existance evaporated like so much sun-touched fog. To
my room in
general I stated my current motto, "Life sucks and
Mina Aino can't
get a man. So what else is new?"
@@OK, you've slowed the pace too much. Cut this
section drastically.
You've set the tone, don't beat it to death.
watch the spelling. (oooops. I just lost two of my
pre-readers
to massive convulsions. They're delicate, can't stand
the shock.)
Shaking my head, I contemplated my reflection,
searching for
whatever fault that made it impossible for any sort of
lasting
relationship to occur. As I did so, I abrubtly became
aware that I
was no longer alone. A glance in the mirror showed her
standing in
the doorway behind me, silently watching me as I
watched myself.
@@Again, good. I like what you're doing. I still think
it works better
if you tighten the prose. Not so much a change in what
you're saying,
just say less. ^_^ pretend it costs you $0.25/word to
post. NOW
go back and edit the story. I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised
at the result. A much tighter, stronger story.
I wasn't entirely sure how to react to her and
that made no
sense. I always knew how to act. I was a great
actress. Just ask
anybody if they ever knew how I really felt and I'm
pretty sure they
could tell you about any of the numerous roles I've
had to play.
@@??? Lost me on
"Just ask . . .I've had to play."
Not sure what you mean.
After all, the Avatar of Love and Beauty should never
let anyone know
that she's really depressed. Self-image and all that
crap.
@@Ummm, think "crap" is overdoing it. You've done two
"life sucks." Use of expletives is beginning to lose
effectiveness.
And besides, as the true leader of the Sailor
Scouts, showing my
inner weakness would be... inappropriate. I save that
sort of stuff
for when I was alone. Which, until some time ago, I
had been.
I turned to look at her, stricken by our more
than passing
resemblance to each other. Long blonde hair, clear
blue eyes, an
incredible figure, and the somewhat glorious title
that came with
being a Sailor Scout. We could've been more than
related, we could've
been twin sisters, and I've occasionaly wondered if
our resemblance
was the result of our genetics now...or of the
long-dead parents that
neither of us never knew.
@@Ummm, are you referring to their parents of the
Silver Millennium?
Again, good section. Just too wordy. Edit, IMO.
It could have happened. We really could be
sisters, I mused as
she and I regarded one another in perfect silence.
"I didn't hear you come in, Serena," I said,
breaking the
aforementioned silence first, striving to make my
voice its usual,
sing-song, happily musical lilt. The effort failed,
and the result
was that I sounded wearily tired, which probably
wasn't too far from
the truth. I was tired.
@@Personal quirk. I prefer the original Japanese
names. They
have meaning that's very appropriate. Especially for
your story.
Aino Minako, roughly Child of Love.
It can also be read as a pun , Ma and Ko can be
pronounced (I'm told) as Bi and su so Mi-na-ko =
Bi-na-su the
Japanese pronunciation of the English "Venus".
Her reply was simply, "I'm sorry, Mina. I
didn't know till now."
Whatever I had been about to say froze as my
stunned mind came to
two swift conclusions: Serena had managed to see
through my disguise,
and I despretly needed someone.
I wasn't aware of her ever moving, but I
suddenly found myself in
her tight embrace. Her voice was thick with emotion
and I felt her
tears as they begin to soak into the fabric of my
shirt. She said
fiercly, "You're not alone, Mina. And you never will
be again."
The compassion behind those two simple
sentences rendered me
speechless. My chest tightened almost painfully as a
swirling miasma
of emotions tore through me, all of them so thoroughly
entangled that
identifiying a single one was beyond my momentarily
shattered
reasonings. My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes
and I hugged
her fiercly as I begin to sob.
@@Spelling. too wordy.
She held me tightly while I cried, never
saying a word, and the
sheer strength of her love was almost tangible. It
sank into me,
healing a part of my soul that I had long since given
up as
unredeemable.
After an eternity my shaking lessened. I
pulled away from her,
scrubbing at my hot cheeks with the back of one hand.
She gently
grasped my shoulders and studied my face intently,
"Better now?"
I nodded, speech was beyond me, and smiled at
her, marveling at
the ease with which I was able to do so. Her answering
smile made me
wish I was wearing sunglasses, it was so bright.
"Good," she said,
"because now we're going to be late for the study
session. And that
means Rei's gonna kill us."
@@Good. Still too wordy.
Example::
She held me tightly while I cried, never saying a
word, and the
sheer strength of her love sank into me, healing a
part of my soul
that I had long since given up.
After an eternity I pulled away from her, scrubbing
at
by hot cheeks with the back of one hand.
"Better now?" She studied my face intently.
@@Not the only way to do this by a long shot. But it
does illustrate my point.
.
"Let her yell," I responded, my voice only
slightly hoarse, "I'm
in too good of a mood to let her spoil it. In fact,
why don't we grab
some ice cream on the way over. My treat."
"Wow, you are feeling better," Serena
commented and some of the
lingering concern in her deep blue eyes faded
somewhat. She released
my shoulders and curiously studied the duo in the
mirror behind me.
"Y'know what, Mina? People must think we're twins or
something."
I laughed, pleased with the sound and happy
that, for once, it
wasn't forced, "I can't see why, Serena. We're nothing
alike."
@@^_^
Overall: C+ to B-
Short stories are VERY hard to write.
This one suffers from spelling <BOOOM!> Aaaack. That
was the
sound of my English Major wife exploding. <ewwwww> Oh,
well.
I promise NOT to mention spe . . . .errrr the "S" word
again.
It's also, IMO, too wordy. You aren't paying enough
attention
to "timing" (the best term I can think of). The "pace"
of the story is
uneven and too slow.
That said . . .it's a good story. Could very easily be
a great story.
Go back and play with the word order and usage. Cut
about a third of it.
This is a very personal story with lots of emotion.
These short slice-of-life pieces are among the hardest
things to write.
(It's much easier to have aliens stomping on Tokyo)
Again, good story. In My Opinion it could be a great
story.
I'd like to see a revised version.
--------------------------------
Kristin Renee Taylor - Bad Gal Extrodinare
B'ENT - Home of SAILOR MOON: THE REJECTED EPISODES
http://www.geocities.com/sailorfalcon/
"Eagles may soar free and proud, but weasels never get
sucked into jet
engines."
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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