Grover396@aol.com wrote:
I have been somewhat quiet but I have been keeping up with the list. So far
the few fics I have seen are pretty good, even though there seems to be some
conflict concerning some of them. Anyway, After finally completing my huge
huge huge Sailormoon fic, I have decided to pursue other anime. My current
projects include a Tenchi Muyo (OAV) one, a possible Gundam one and a Ranma
one. This is actually the reason for this post. I am having my doubts on the
Ranma one, with inaccuracies and all. Would all of you do me a big favor and
take a look at my first chapter? It really is just a chapter to give my new
characters some background for the story but will you anyway? And feedback
will be appreciated. Arigatoo all.
Grover396
Wings of an Angel
Chapter One - Just a
little swim
A bolt of lightning lit up the black sky as the storm clouds rolled across
the sky. As the light fades, two silhouettes move very quickly across the
Tense confusion. (Incidentally, past tense generally works better than
than present.)
horizon. It was a fight that they had been involved in for many months and
finally the climax had been reached. The first figure seemed to be running
away from the second.
More tense confusion.
It had a masculine figure with long hair extending down
his back. From the looks of his clothes he wore traditional Japanese martial
artist apparel. His older but still fierce face breathes a bit heavily.
Older than what? More tense confusion. You are also being unnecessarily
circumlatory. "It" didn't have a "masculine figure". "It" was a man.
What does "From the looks of his clothes" add to "He wore traditional Japanese
martial artist apparel"? For that matter, who was looking at him to decide that?
A
gleam from a pair of glasses that set on his head flashed as a low grunt was
heard
Who heard the low grunt and where did it come from?
and he leaped to the next summit of rocks just as the second figure
landed it's foot where he was. The second figure looked after the first and
its
another bolt of lightning illuminated it's appearance. His very handsome face
of about sixteen peers out from under his long, brown hair with blonde tips
Pick a tense and stick with it. I'd also suggest you stow the attempt to string
out the revelation that the two characters are male.
at the ends and a very thin, long ponytail tied down his back. His green eyes
watched the first figure leap away and narrowed slightly. The long, black
trenchcoat he wore hid his true figure from view but by the swiftness of his
moves, he was a very trim person. It was somewhat unusual for not only an
Once again this only makes sense if there is a third person trying to figure
out who these two people are.
American to be so deep in rural China, but a Japanese man as well. The second
figure, the American kneeled down and leaped after the Japanese man, landing
on the next summit with ease. Again the chase began once again which led the
first figure past a beaten sign. He turned his head a bit and a quiet word
was muttered from his mouth. "Jusenkyo?" A yell from behind startles him and
he looks back to see the other figure gaining on him. He winced a bit and
suddenly jumped into the air, spinning around and holding his hands together.
"Kogasu Bakuhatsu Suru!" he yelled as a huge fireball erupted from his hands.
The American easily leaped over the attack as it destroys a boulder in the
distance.
In the air his figure glows slightly and he thrusts a hand forward,
"Heaven's Breath!" he yells loudly and a huge gust of wind makes the first
cover his face with his arms. Even still the attack makes him skid along the
ground and off the edge of a cliff. He yells and falls into a grove of trees,
disappearing into the green canopy. The second lands on the ground lightly
but keeps running towards the cliff edge. Without a stutter he leaps from the
cliff and falls into the trees also. Sounds of a struggle disturb the
resident creatures of the forest as the older, Japanese man lands on a thick
branch and whips around. The young, American lands in front of him and stands
normal, his trenchcoat flapping in a slight wind.
"Now....come on, Angel. Can't we talk about this?" the Japanese man says and
raises his hands.
"What's there to talk about? You tried to kill my master and now you have to
die." the American says. The Japanese man suddenly lunges forward and starts
attacking the American viciously with a skillful style of martial arts. Much
Styles are not skillful. Martial artists are skillful.
to his dismay though, the American blocks all of his attacks with an equally
impressively display of skill. Suddenly the American drops down to his hands
and one knee, sending his other foot up into the Japanese man's chest. He
flies backwards through the trunk of the tree, snapping it in half with a
thud. The young man stands back up and brushes his hands off, then starts
walking towards the older man sitting where the tree is broken. The old man
opens his eyes slightly and peers at the figure approaching him. He winces a
bit as the American kneels down, a pendant around his neck gleaming from
another lightning bolt. The old man looks at the pendant, the kanji symbol
for and angel with two white wings extending from it.
an angel
Then he looks back up to the teenager's face, "Angel, why not join with me?
You master is weak. I could take your impressive skill to a whole new level."
the older man says.
Your
Not a credible offer if Angel is already more skilled. I'd play up the physical
exhaustion Akuma is experience, giving the credit to Angel's superior youthful
stamina.
"I figured you would say something like that, Akuma." the young man says and
grabs the old man by the shirt. He stands up, lifting the man off the
splintered trunk. "You know I wouldn't betray my master. I am not as pathetic
as you are." the young man growls and hangs him over the edge of the tree.
"Now Angel! What are you doing?! You wouldn't! I thought you were a good
guy!" the older man says. The young teenager tilts his head a bit and a smile
crosses his face.
"Now what gave you that idea? I may have my beliefs but I will do anything
to defeat my enemies." he says and loosens his grip in the man's shirt.
The old man shrieks and looks down at the distant ground, "No Angel! Don't!"
No, Angel
he yells.
"Good-bye, Akuma. Now you won't hurt anybody else." the young man says
promptly lets go of the man's shirt. The old man screams and goes into a
free fall.
"I swear it, Angel! I will haunt you until the day you die! I will make your
worst dream come true!" he yells and disappears from view.
There is a loud splash and the young man blinks, "Water? Even if he hit
water he should drown because of the fall." he says and steps from the
branch, falling downwards also. He, however, lands on another branch and
kneels down from the fall, looking at some odd looking springs. His green
eyes scan the shores of the springs for any movement and he stands up normal.
With a flip of his arm, he moves the trenchcoat behind his legs and glares at
the water. After a while he sees a figure on the shore of the spring and he
growls. He raises his hand up again towards the figure but doesn't do
anything. He waits for a moment and slowly lowers his hand back down. The
figure of the old man lie on the shore motionless and the young man lets out
a sigh. "It is done, master. Now I can return to serve you again." he says
and turns slightly but hears a loud cracking sound above him. He looks up
just in time to see another piece of the tree trunk fall down right on top of
him. He doesn't even have time to move before the huge chink of the tree
slams into him, snapping the branch he is on and sending him into the water
with it. There is a huge splash and the springs becomes silent for a bit
longer. Suddenly a hand comes up from the water followed by the rest of a
figure. The figure coughs and pulls himself to shore, dragging a soaked
trenchcoat wrapped around him. The figure stops next to the motionless figure
of the old man and breathes heavily. The figure's attention moves to the body
and seems to be surprised. Then the figure looks at his own hands and body,
grabbing his own arms and face. A new sound fills the springs as the figure
starts to laugh loudly. He finishes dragging himself from the springs and
stands up next to the body. Still laughing he kneels down and removes
something from the body.
After placing the object on his face, an old man's voice comes from the
figure, "I told you, Angel. You won't be rid of me that easily." he says and
a flash of lightning gleams from the pair of glasses on his face. The figure
laughs again and starts walking into the woods, passing another sign with the
word 'Jusenkyo' on it.
Chapter One - Just a little swim
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