Desperately Seeking ?
A Spamfic By: Berk Watkins
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"Ilbarazzo wanted it.. and what the Fuhrer wants, the Fuhrer gets..." a
short-haired blonde with a decidedly fangy set of teeth remarked as she
looked over the valley, strewn with bones. She was dressed in a sea
green jacket and shorts with shoulderplates made of a ceramic the same
color as her jacket. She wiped her hands on her shirt and sighed
deeply, "That guy said there was somethin' about it down here, right?"
Her partner, who looked a little too much like a dark-haired Ifurita for
comfort deadpanned, "yeah..." She fell into step behind the blonde and
entered the valley.
All around them was the stench of death and sulfurous smoke. Certainly
not the sort of place you'd want to bring the kids on a nice vacation.
In fact, wouldn't a vacation in the Bahamas be just right, right about
now?
"Hey, Mister Director.. stay on subject!" the blonde bellowed to the
heavens.
Sorry....
"Ya better be!"
* * * *
Several universes away, a man known simply as 'Pedro' continued on his
journey home, braving a deadly storm sweeping across a glacier, his
clothing patched and padded with old phonebooks. "When, will my
suffering end?" he asked himself, though the howling wind stripped away
his voice. The ice gave way under him, sending him screaming into an
icy cavern below....
* * * *
Elsewhere, a small, off-white dog picked the lock on her cage and ran
for the hills...
* * * *
The man with the funny hat who had given directions to the two girls
sighed as he went back off about his business. "They never listen..
they never, ever listen... Guess it's to be expected... Maybe I need a
vacation..."
How about the Bahamas?
Pedro, covered in snow and looking rather blue, the blonde, the Ifurita
look-alike, the little dog and even the man in the funny hat all roared,
"STOP ADVERTISING!"
Can't blame a guy for trying...
The story focus followed the blonde back, who will be referred to as
Excel for the remainder of this fic because that's her name. If she'd
been named 'the blonde' when she was born then her parents probably
would've been locked up in padded cells. Which makes a person wonder,
just where are Excel's parents anyway and how did she wind up as the
indestructible gofer for Fuhrer Ilbarazzo, leader of ACROSS?
"Just say to yourself, 'It's just a show, I should really just relax..'"
advised Hyatt, Excel's partner in errand-running, formerly referred to
as 'the Ifurita look-alike'.
Good point...
Excel and Hyatt stood at the entrance to a rather dark, foul-smelling
cave surrounded by a rather noticeable 'fort' of human bones. All in
all a really creepy sight to behold. There's nothing quite so
disturbing as seeing, fresh, up close and personal just what it is that
makes the difference between Man and Jellyfish.
At which point...
A bunny rabbit hopped out of the cave, twitching it's nose cutely.
"Oh it's *cute*!" Hyatt chimed.
"Lunch..." rasped Excel, pulling out a fork and knife...
The bunny hopped around cutely for a couple of moments more before the
duo took a step closer to it....
Then, things got complicated...
*to be continued?*
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This... is what happens when you drink waaaaaay too much caffeine and
put the opening for Excel Saga on loop and listen to it... A thousand
and one apologies, but I had to get this out of my head before it drove
me crazier than I already am.
Standard Disclaimer.. I don't own the rights to either Monty Python or
Excel Saga, I'm just a poor fanboy who thinks too much sometimes. This
fic is meant for nonprofit, public distribution, anyone found selling it
will be laughed at and then locked in a small room with Xelloss for
several days.
******************************************************** jrandom@ufl.edu