Scenes From An Elevator:
An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
By: Dreiser
EPISODE THIRTY THREE: Gett Off
SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy where
the shadows of Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya are seen sitting
inside of it. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the
background.
MAMIYA: (Gasps as he continues looking through his nifty
binoculars.) Curse that Kiryuu!
MIKAGE: (Looks up from where he sits behind Mamiya, fiddling
with the other boy's hair.) Hmm? What's wrong, Mamiya-chan?
MAMIYA: (Hands binoculars to Mikage.) Just look! Touga is
contemplating ruining AniLesboCon by going in there and
converting all the convention goers!
MIKAGE: (Takes the binoculars. Perplexed.) How can you tell all
of that just by looking at him from a distance?
MAMIYA: (Folds arms over his chest. Huffy tones.) Oh, I can tell.
Believe me, I can tell.
MIKAGE: (Looks through binoculars.) Okayyy... (He gasps also.)
Hey! You're right! He is going to do all that!
MAMIYA: (Jumps to his feet.) That's it! For all of my sisters, I
must protect their lesbian convention interests!
MIKAGE: (Puts down binoculars. Blinks.) Your sisters?
MAMIYA: (Nervous laugh.) Or something. (He averts his eyes
quickly and declares.) We must stop Touga!
MIKAGE: (Murmurs.) That's all well and good, but how?
MAMIYA: (Sits down and ponders.) Well, what does Touga love
more than anything else?
MIKAGE & MAMIYA: (Dry tones.) Himself.
MAMIYA: (Sighs heavily.) Okay, besides himself. What does he
love second or third best then?
MIKAGE: (Ponders also.) A challenge? So he can then beat that
challenge and prove how superior he is.
MAMIYA: (Nods fiercely.) That's a good one and that's also
probably why he wants into that lesbian convention.
MIKAGE: (Smirks.) You have to admit, converting a convention
full of Anime lesbians would be a great feat.
MAMIYA: (Irate.) This is no time to praise him!
MIKAGE: (Looks offended.) Sorry. Yeesh, I was just saying that
would be something. He hasn't even done it yet.
MAMIYA: (Scowls.) And we won't let him do it either... now, lets
see. What else is a challenge for Touga? Who is the one person he
wants to nail but just can't?
(There is a long pause of silence and during it both Mikage and
Mamiya notice a certain song isn't playing and as they notice this
they remember just who composed it.)
MIKAGE & MAMIYA: (Exclaim.) Miki!!!
SCENE: The catacombs of Ohtori Academy. Kaoru Miki aka
Miki the Hut is seen lying on his bed. He is a huge blob of... well,
fat. His breathing is raspy and he's almost completely surrounded
by ding dong wrappers. Next to his bed stands Kaoru Kozue. The
Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Blinks.) What do you mean you got a chill?
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Surprised.) You mean it's not that you're cold but you
sense that something evil is here in Ohtori?
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Rolls her eyes.) I don't know if you being so fat will
really protect you from the evil, Miki.
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Dismissive.) Yeah, yeah, I'm a beeatch. That's getting
SO old, Miki. Come up with a better name already.
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Snickers.) Well, that one is funny, I'll grant you.
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Heaves a sigh.) All right, if you insist I'll go outside and
try to find out what this evil is. But you have to promise not to eat
the catacombs while I'm gone.
MIKI: (Mumbles lowly.) ...
KOZUE: (Walks out the door.) I know, I know, Miki the Hut
promises nothing when it comes to food. Don't choke while I'm
gone then. No one will be here to save you.
SCENE: A lesser ballroom in French Le Ramada Inn. It's the one
where all of the guest booths are set up. The two most popular
booths, run by Shidou Hikaru and Tenoh Haruka, entitled 'how to
score with chicks' are now up and running as they total their chick
scoring results. As they do this a large crowd and their lovers,
Ryuuzaki Umi and Kaioh Michiru, observe them.
SAKURA: (Shouts from her booth with Tomoyo-chan.) I thought
you were supposed to have this stupid contest for the whole
AniLesboCon! You lazy adults and teenagers!
HARUKA: (Looks up and growls.) Be quiet, peanut. We can end
our contest whenever we want. Right, Shidou?
HIKARU: (Nods and beams.) We sure can, Tenoh-san!
HARUKA: (Groans and goes back to totaling her seductions.)
Queen Serenity save me from the perky.
MICHIRU: (Smirks and softly teases.) But the Queen is the
perkiest one of them all, Haruka.
HARUKA: (Blinks on realizing this. Wary.) I'm doomed.
HIKARU: (Beams again as she totals her seductions as well.)
Being perky is fun! And it helps you score! Girls like it when I'm all
cute and enthusiastic!
UMI: (Sighs dreamily then hugs Hikaru out of nowhere as she cries
out.) Oh, Hikaru-chan!
HIKARU: (Beams triumphantly at Haruka.) See?
HARUKA: (Eyes narrow. Looks up at Michiru with dark sensual
eyes and says in husky tones.) Michiru...
MICHIRU: (Appears faint and falls forward into Haruka's grasp.)
Oh, Haruka...
HARUKA: (Smirks at Hikaru as she looks around where Michiru
has fallen against her chest.) See?
HIKARU: (Scowls and goes back to counting.) I'll show her. I
know I scored with more chicks using my method.
HARUKA: (Goes back to counting also.) Not likely. My way is
the most superior, I'm sure of it.
(They keep counting and strangely, they finish at the same time.
Leaping to their feet they shout the results grandly.)
HARUKA & HIKARU: (Grandly shout.) 2,003!!!
HARUKA & HIKARU: (Stare at each other.) What?! How could
you have gotten the same score as me?!
UMI: (Blinks. Shakes her head and mutters.) They probably slept
with all of the same girls, that's why.
MICHIRU: (Smirks softly.) So it appears, Ryuuzaki-san.
HARUKA & HIKARU: (Whine.) It's not fair!
RANDOM VOICE: (Scoffs.) 2,003 girls? That's all? I slept with
that many on my first day here and now I'm up to 4,562. If you
don't believe me check my scoring book.
(At once, everyone whirls around to face the newcomer and gasp
upon seeing who it is.)
HARUKA & HIKARU: (Gape with shock.) YOU?! You scored
with more chicks than us?! How is it possible?
MAYA: (Steps forward and smirks.) Because, you little fools, I'm
the most unobtrusive character ever. I can never stand out, no
matter how much I may try. I come to them like a ghost in the night
and leave like a dream. My time is soon forgotten and when it is, I
come back again, and the entire experience is like new again. (She
gives a mad and triumphant laugh.) I've even done with it Sempai!!
HARUKA: (Looks to Hikaru.) We've been beaten by her. Our
honor has been soiled by this plain madwoman.
HIKARU: (Looks to Haruka.) There's only one thing left to do,
Tenoh-san. It's our only choice.
HARUKA: (Nods solemnly.) Yes, to restore our honor.
HIKARU: (Nods solemnly also.) And our pride as well.
UMI: (Gasps.) Hikaru, no! Not seppuku! You're too kawaii for
that!
MICHIRU: (Glares at Haruka.) If you try to kill yourself for
another stupid reason I'll never forgive you!
HARUKA: (Scowls.) Who said anything about seppuku? We just
meant we have to score with more chicks now.
HIKARU: (Nods her head fiercely.) Indubitably.
UMI: (Heaves a sigh of relief.) Oh, is that all? Well then... (She
trails off as she realizes their words.) Hey! No you won't! I didn't
get any the last time Hikaru was up to this and I'm sure not having
that again!
HIKARU: (Pouts.) But it's for the good of Cephiro.
UMI: (Blinks. Roars.) No it isn't!!
HIKARU: (Squeaks in fear and runs off.) Please don't be mad at
me, Umi-chan! I promise to buy you some Mokona shaped
marshmallows for tonight!
UMI: (Chases after Hikaru.) Come back, Hikaru-chan!
HARUKA: (Laughs suavely.) Ah, kids. They're so cute with their
petty squabbles, aren't they, Michiru?
MICHIRU: (Glares at Haruka.) You're not having the contest
again either. I was ignored in bed as well and like Ryuuzaki-san I
won't stand for that.
HARUKA: (Squeaks in fear. Laughs nervously.) But Michiru... it's
for my pride... to prove my coolness...
MICHIRU: (Eyes narrow and grabs Haruka by the ear as she
drags her off.) Everyone already knows how cool you are, Haruka.
You don't need to prove it.
HARUKA: (Whines petulantly.) But Michiru...
AUTHOR: (Pops up randomly.) Haruka rules! Not as much as
Juri-sama but she rules!
HARUKA: (Looks up from still being dragged away by her ear by
Michiru.) You're not helping, y'know.
AUTHOR: (Sheepish.) Sorry, Haruka, but you're so cool!
HARUKA: (Heaves a sigh as she's dragged away.) Yes, yes, I
know but sometimes being so cool is a burden.
AUTHOR: (Curious.) Really? How come?
HARUKA: (Looks downtrodden as she dragged away.) It's just
everyone expects me to be cool all of the time and I do have my
dork habits you know. I just have to hide them all away so no one
knows. But... but... I want to shout it from the rooftops that I
prefer RPGs to racing games! But I can't! (She sobs.) It's so
unfair!
MICHIRU: (Rolls her eyes.) Are you back on that again? Pretty
soon she'll be ranting about Final Fantasy 7 and 8 again as well.
And that's not pretty.
HARUKA: (Eyes glaze over.) False RPGs! Not true members of
the glorious Final Fantasy family! They're RPGs for people who
don't like RPGs! Superdeformed two dimensional battling
characters forever!!
MICHIRU: (Heaves a huge sigh.) See what you've done?
AUTHOR: (Sheepish again.) Sorry. Should I go bother Juri-sama
some more? I think she's with her harem.
HARUKA: (Snaps to attention.) She has a harem?
AUTHOR: (Smirks.) Well, she IS Juri-sama. The most superior
Anime lesbian to ever exist. You being the next lesbian in line for
the title, Haruka.
HARUKA: (Shrugs.) Losing to Juri's not so bad. She looks cool in
that fancy uniform and has a sword too. I like swords, they remind
me of that time back when I was a fighter for hire in Dungeons and
Dragons...
(As Haruka continues to babble on about Dungeons and Dragons
along with other RPGs, a figure watches from the shadows and
contemplates all that they've heard.)
FIGURE: (Thoughtfully naughty tones.) Juri and Haruka are the
most superior Anime lesbians, eh? I wonder what would happen if
I... (They trail off and break into creepy laughter.) Oh, it's just too
brilliant! Brilliant! I'm a genius!
MICHIRU: (Watches figure run off.) What's with Washuu?
AUTHOR: (Shrugs.) Who knows? I'm gonna go bug Juri-sama
some more. The last time I checked on her she was being licked by
a bunch of catgirls.
MICHIRU: (Cringes.) Ewwww...
AUTHOR: (Shrugs again.) Catgirls know how to lick.
(A random drum goes boom tish in the background.)
AUTHOR: (Snickers.) Sound effects, cool.
SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually timely
and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow Play Girls A-ko,
B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit Garden no longer plays faintly
in the background.
C-KO: (Grumbles.) I still say I'm not a dumbass.
B-KO: (Rolls her eyes.) Whatever, dumbass.
C-KO: (Nods.) Exactly! (Blinks after a moment.) Hey!
B-KO: (Snickers.) Dumbass.
A-KO: (Squints and looks off into the distance.) Is it just me or do
you both hear a song playing really far away?
B-KO: (Looks at A-ko.) What do you mean? Miki got his Sunlit
Garden on repeat turned off a long time ago.
A-KO: (Shakes her head.) No, it's not that. I know that's not
playing anymore. This is a new song. One that's pretty cool and...
well, sort of skanky too.
C-KO: (Closes her eyes and concentrates. Suddenly exclaims.)
Oh! I know this song! It's Touga-sempai's!
B-KO: (Looks at C-ko.) Touga's song?
C-KO: (Smiles widely.) I haven't heard this in years! Oh, how I
missed hearing his song... so romantic...
A-KO: (Slowly.) What song is it, C-ko?
C-KO: (Brightly chirps.) Gett Off! It's by Prince or I think he used
to be Prince but now he's Prince again but he's not nearly as good
a Prince as Utena or Juri or Touga or any of the other duelists we
have at our school!
A-KO: (Blinks dimly.) Gett Off is Touga's theme song?
B-KO: (Sarcastically.) Figures.
(As the Shadow Play Girls contemplate Touga's theme song and
just what it means the scene fades to black.)
To be continued...
All characters in this spamfiction are from Utena. This is a
nonsensical out of character piece of tripe that I wrote when
extremely bored. I'll continue to write this series when I'm
extremely bored because sometimes I just feel like being silly. In
other words don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's just for fun.
Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?! Will
AniLesboCon 2000 still be going on?! Can Mikage and Mamiya
distract Touga from converting all of the lesbian convention goers
with Miki the Hut?! Is Gett Off really Touga's theme song?! And is
Utena going to keep falling down the neverending flight of stairs?!
Stay tuned!
Chat with me on ICQ! My ICQ # is: 37674780
Thanks to Red Death all of my fanfics are archived at:
http://www.lvdi.net/~reddeath/dreiser.htm
To hear the excellent SFAE radio production go to:
http://michiru.com/utena/
A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION
"I love you, Hikaru. That's why I have to kill you."
-Nova; Magic Knight Rayearth-
NANAMI: (Stares at the quote.) Okayyy... they have way more
issues than I do apparently.
MAZE: (Shrugs.) That's what happens with clones. (Looks at
Nanami.) You have issues? Since when?
NANAMI: (Gives a sigh.) I have issues with my brother and our
relationship and my feelings for him...
MAZE: (Her eyes go wide.) You too?
NANAMI: (Looks at Maze in surprise.) You mean that you have a
brother too and you're...
MAZE: (Interrupts and clasps Nanami's hands.) I knew there was
a reason why I felt so close to you, Nanami!
NANAMI: (Eyes turn into hearts.) Oh, Maze...
MAZE: (Eyes do the same thing.) Oh, Nanami...
(There's a sudden flash of bright blue light.)
MAZE: (Suddenly a man.) I want to screw you!!
NANAMI: (Shrieks in horror and runs off.) I knew she was too
good to be true!
Juri Rules All.
Nova's wrath is
scary so just don't
try to take Hikaru
away from her.
Ataru is electric.