Dear FFMLers
Here is the revised version of the second
chapter of "The Waste Land."
You may send comments and criticism to me
either privately at
sme291@hotmail.com or
via the FFML. However, please keep
comments tasteful and constructive (I
do have a delicate ego.)
Thank you.
B.Na
---------------------------------------------
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from
either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
From T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land"
II. A Brief Respite
The thin metallic taste of blood filled
his mouth. Shinji grimaced as he ran his
tongue along the roof of his mouth, his
teeth, his lips. The boy tried to spit out
the acrid taste but he was unable to raise
his head and the saliva clung to his mouth
and chin in thin bloody threads. Shinji
wiped his mouth with a feeble hand, leaving
streaks of dust upon his face and grit in
his teeth. He spat again and rubbed his
mouth; once more, a thin layer of dirt
accumlated. Shinji sighed.
With his one good eye, the boy looked
up into the sky. The sun was well past its
meridian; it was now near five o'clock. He
tried to move his head once more, but the
fierce bursts of pain brought on a wave of
darkness and nausea. Shinji gagged as bile
surged into his throat. Too weak to hold
the acid stream, he turned his and vomited.
For many minutes afterwards, Shinji
lay unmoving, a viscous trickle of bile
running from his mouth onto the ground. He
stared straight ahead, his blue-grey eye
blank, empty. The rancid stench wafted up
to his nose but he could not sense it. The
sour flavor coated his mouth and lips but
he could not taste it. Strangely,
mercifully, a kind of stupor had stolen over
him, shutting off all sensation and thought.
The boy lay there thus, unmoving, when
the girl discovered him a few days later.
The slight figure knelt over him, her
long auburn tresses brushing against his
face. At first, Shinji was unaware of her
presence. He dimly felt a hand raise his
head from the earth and lightly touch the
wounds upon his face. Shinji slowly
opened his eyes and squinted up at the
girl above him. The sun shone full upon
her, creating a halo of light about her
form but casting her features in shadow.
"Asuka?" he whispered hoarsely as he
reached out. "Asuka?"
"Asuka?" the girl echoed in
puzzlement. "You're hallucinating. You
must have a fever." She laid a cool and
gentle hand upon his hot brow, a look of
commiseration and concern upon her face.
Shinji grasped the hand eagerly, a strange
glow illuminating his countenance. The
girl drew back in alarm and tried to
withdraw her hand. He tightened his hold
and pulled her closer to him.
"Don't go," he begged. "Don't leave
me alone, Asuka!"
"I-I'm not Asuka," she answered
nervously as she attempted to remove her
hand from his. The intense happiness on
his face was awful. "You're imagining
things. I'm not--"
"Don't go!!!" he shrieked suddenly,
his voice full of anguish and terror.
"Asuka!! Asuka!!"
The girl tore her hand free and
scrambled to her feet. She had already
run a meter away from him, but a peculiar
noise arrested her in mid-flight--the
sound of a low, grieved moan. For a few
moments, she stood irresolute. Then, as
Shinji's sobs increased, as quickly as she
had run from him, the girl turned back.
She knelt beside him and murmured
soothingly as she stroked the sweat-matted
hair from his dirty face, "Shh. I won't
leave. I'll stay. Hush now. I won't go."
"Asuka," he whispered, his eyes
shining. "You won't leave me, will you?"
The joy on his face was terrifying but the
girl pushed back her fear and answered
steadily.
"I won't. I promise."
Shinji smiled contentedly before he
slipped into unconscious.
---------------------------------------------
The small stone cross felt cool in her
thin palm. Elena carefully opened her fist
and once again looked at the pendant in her
hand. It's a curious thing, really, she
thought as she toyed with the necklace. I
don't think I've seen anything like this
before the apocalypse. She idly danged the
ornament from her wrist, a thoughtful look
in her eyes.
Why does this boy have this? And how
did he get it? Elena wondered as she glanced
at the sleeping boy in the bed. She ran her
thumb along the plain, narrow string of hemp,
her brow furrowed in contemplation.
Abruptly, she stopped and stared at her hand.
Dry, brittle, red-brown flakes speckled her
fingers. Curious, she touched her fingers to
her lips. Her eyes widened in surprise.
Blood, she thought as she rubbed the
pads of her thumb and forefinger together.
The frail, dark scales fell to the ground
and mingled with the dust upon the floor.
---------------------------------------------
He stared into the enormous, luminous
eyes fixed upon him.
"Evangelion Unit One," he whispered
hoarsely.
The beast stood silently, waiting.
Shinji continued to gaze at the monster
before him; he could not tear his eyes
away from it nor release himself from the
hand that held him in its grip.
"Evangelion Unit One," he repeated.
"Evangelion Unit One." He dropped his head,
defeated. "Even now, after all that has
happened, you're still here."
The brute said nothing and continued to
gaze upon the small figure in its hand.
"Why?" Shinji asked plaintively, looking
up at the monster. "Why are you still here?
I got rid of you, didn't I? I destroyed you
didn't I? I'm free of you, aren't I?"
The beast was silent still.
"I defeated you. I destroyed the
world--and I killed you. I killed the
world--and I destroyed you."
The brute remained mute.
"No, I'm not free," he mumbled, lowering
his head. "I tried. . .and I failed. And
I'll never be free. . . The beast. . .it's
still here. . .within. . ." The boy fell
quiet for many moments.
"No, I will defeat you. I will be free.
I will destroy you," he vowed in a low voice.
Suddenly, he looked up, his face contorted
with a wild, indescribable rage. "I will
kill you, damn you!!! I will kill you!!!"
he shrieked as he twisted wildly about. "Die,
die, die!!!"
His screams echoed through the void--
loudly at first, but they gradually faded
into a faint whisper and then dwindled into
nothingness.
Shinji awoke with a start. He stared
at the unevenly painted ceiling with astonished
eyes. Where am I? he wondered. He turned his
head to the left and saw the girl seated near
the window. He slowly rose, his eyes still
fastened upon her. The rustle of the
bedclothes startled the girl and she turned
around. Across the silent space between them,
their eyes met. For a long moment, the two
children stared at each other. Shinji swung his
legs over the bed and made his way towards her. Suddenly, at the corner of
his eye, Shinji saw
a flash of white. Pressed against her heaving
chest, swayed slightly by the movement, was a
small cross-shaped object. In one bound, the
boy was at her side. He wrenched the necklace
free from her grasp, an inexpressible look upon
his face.
�Why do you. . . How did you get this?�
he inquired in a low voice. He was shaking.
�I found this in your hand. . .� she
murmured. �I�� he began. Suddenly, without
warning, Shinji collapsed to his knees.
Unthinkingly, the girl sprang out of her
chair, her hands extended in an offer of
support. He gently pushed her hands away
and shook his head. �No," he whispered,
�Don�t. . .don�t. . .� He looked up; the
awful expression was gone now, replaced by
one of shame and remorse. "Don't. . .
please. . ."
�I didn�t mean to--� the girl began.
�No, it�s fine. Don�t worry,� he
replied dully. �It�s my fault. . .�
�Do you need any help?� she asked.
�No,� he answered. He rose stiffly to
his feet. �I-I�m sorry. I didn�t mean to--
that is--I�m sorry,� he mumbled finally.
�I-It�s all right.�
�Ano. . .miss. . .�
�My name is Elena,� she said. �Elena
Bhaer.�
�Elena-san. . .�
Elena shook her head. �No, don�t say
anything. It�s all right. . .uh. . .�
�Shinji. Ikari Shinji.�
�Shinji-san. . .� she repeated. Then
she added quietly, �That�s a good name.�
---------------------------------------------
Elena watched him from her seat on the
worn doorstep of the house. In the dim
twilight, she could discern the irregular
outline of a boy crouched in the sparse grass.
His ragged white shirt glowed faintly in the
dusk. The boy�s thin arm moved in long,
sweeping strokes; he was describing a pattern
in the dust with a twig. A name? she wondered.
As Shinji worked, she saw his hand reach under
his shirt and withdraw a small object from
around his neck. Then, abruptly, the boy threw
the stick to the ground and, in one, fierce jerk
of his hand, obliterated the design. For many
moments, he sat still, gazing down at the
ornament in his hand. Then, gently, carefully,
the boy tucked the necklace into the small pocket
of his shirt and rose to look at the ruins that
stretched before him.
She had often seen him thus, sitting alone
in the half-light. At these times, he would draw
the necklace from his pocket and stare at it, lost
in thought. Sometimes he would hastily stow the
ornament into his shorts� pocket; sometimes, he
would slip it into his breast pocket; sometimes,
he would place it round his neck�but this last
action was rare. His behavior puzzled Elena and
she wondered again how he obtained the necklace
and why it was so important to him. But since
that day, he had never openly displayed it to her.
And though she yearned to know its history, she
never asked.
The pale blue glow of twilight was quickly
deepening to evening. She saw the boy standing
with hands upon hips and long, gangly legs spread
apart. His slender shape was a dark blot against
the clear, watery horizon.
The word scrawled in the dust was nearly
illegible. A few characters remained but Shinji
knew the word: happiness. The word pained him,
sustained him, unnerved him. . .and enraged him.
Shinji looked down at the ornament in his
hand. I�ve tried so hard, Misato-san, to find
the answers. I thought that I wanted to stay,
to try and find my own happiness, but I�ve
found nothing. His foot ground out the
remaining characters. For a moment Shinji
gazed down at the shallow imprint in the dirt
before he rose, slipping the necklace into his
pocket. Has it been good to stay here? To live
in this world? He briefly touched the small
bulge within his shirt pocket and scanned the
horizon. Against the dark azure rose the
darker forms of lopsided buildings, jagged
spears of metal and wood and crumbling heaps
of stone.
No, he mused, it hasn�t been good. . .so
far. But if I can only find it, if I can only
be happy. . . But can I find what I�m looking
for here? Will I find it?
Shinji stood and looked across the
shadowy earth. His eyes were dark and
mournful. Suddenly, the boy squared his
shoulders, placed his hands upon his hips and
set his feet firmly upon the rocky ground. A
hopeful light shone in his face. No, I can�t
fail. I stayed here to find it. And I will
find it, he vowed silently. I will find
happiness, no matter what. I will find it here. . .somewhere.
---------------------------------------------
�Die!! Die!!�
Elena came running to his room.
�Shinji-san!� she exclaimed. �Wake up!
Shinji-san!�
�Die!! Damn you!! Die!! Why won�t you
die?!� Shinji screamed as he thrashed about.
Elena seized his arms and shook him.
�Shinji-san! Wake up! Wake up!�
�Die!!!� he shrieked. Suddenly, he
bolted upright, his eyes wide with rage, and
lunged at Elena. �Die!!!� His hands reached
out, trying to close around her throat.
Elena gasped.
Shinji froze. For a long moment, he
stared, unseeing, at the girl. Then,
suddenly, the boy fell back, limp, onto his
bed. Elena stood, looking at the still form.
She could not stop shaking.
�Evangelion Unit One,� he moaned,
�Evangelion Unit One. . .�
�What?� she whispered. �Evangelion?�
She stared at him, horrified. �You. . .�
Shinji woke from his slumber. He looked
up at the girl with sleepy, puzzled eyes.
�Elena-san. . .�
�Evangelion,� she repeated hollowly.
�Evangelion. . .�
At first, the words did not pierce
through the cloud of sleep that enveloped
him. But her continued whisperings cleared
away the haze and the boy blanched when he
heard the familiar name. Shinji tried to
speak but the words could not push past the
barrier of his teeth and they trailed off
into a faint hiss.
The two children sat quiet for many
minutes before her low voice broke the
silence between them. �So, it was you--you
who did all this,� she murmured.
�Yes,� he whispered. �I am the pilot
of Evangelion Unit One.�
�Then you were responsible for the
Third Impact?�
Shinji bit his lip and nodded. The
girl dropped her head in her hands. Through
the thick tangle of auburn hair, he saw her
mouth moving, forming words, but she made no
sound. Finally, she looked up. Her
expression was unreadable. But he fully
understood the tone of her voice.
�But why? Why would you do such a
thing?� she asked quietly. �Didn�t you
understand the consequences? Didn�t you know
that this would happen?�
Shinji bowed his head. �No. . . At
the time, I didn�t know. I was simply a
tool--for NERV and. . .for my father. I
didn�t realize what was happening until it
was too late. I tried to stop it--I
tried. . .but it wasn�t enough. . . It
wasn�t enough. But I tried--I tried. . .�
�So did you destroy the world--or did
you save it?� Her voice was strangely,
ominously calm. �What did you do?� she
questioned again. Suddenly she shrieked,
her voice cracking with the violence of her
panic and rage. �What did you do?!�
�I don�t know!� Shinji cried. He
pressed his hands against his temples and
shook his head. �I don�t know!� He paused.
�But perhaps it would have been better
to destroy it. . .� he added in a low voice.
�Perhaps, it would have been better. . .that
way. . .�
Elena stood and stared helplessly at the
boy before her. Shinji still held his head
between his hands--the knuckles were white
with the pressure, the tendons were hard and
rigid. The hands quivered from the intense
stress.
Finally, the girl spoke. �Tell me, then,
why did you it?�
�I don�t know.�
�Don�t lie to me,� she warned. �Answer
me. Why did you do it?�
�I don�t know.�
Elena clutched his shoulders, her
fingers digging painfully into his flesh.
�Tell me,� she shrieked, shaking him fiercely,
�Why did you do it?!�
�For mankind! For NERV! For my father!�
he shouted. Then abruptly, he whispered,
�For myself.�
She released her hold on him, her hands
falling limply to her sides. �For yourself,�
she echoed faintly.
Elena stared at the dark head bowed
before her for a long time. She tilted his
head up with her hand. The blue-gray eyes
stared back her, dull and vacant.
With all her might, she slapped him.
He wiped the trickle of blood away from
his lip. The two children stared at each
other: the girl in furious hate, the boy in
sorrow and remorse.
�I hate you,� she hissed.
�You�re too kind. . .Elena-san.�
---------------------------------------------
Shinji shifted the pack on his back.
The girl stood staring at him from the
threshold of the house. He bowed, a small
gesture of thanks.
He began to walk, the jaw of his thin
face set, his eyes directed northward. He
walked a meter but abruptly, he spun
around to face the figure on the steps. His
eyes were calm and strangely mournful.
�Elena-san,� he said, �You found me,
almost beaten to death by men who hated me--
people who hated me just like you hate me now.
But neither you nor that man has any idea what
happened then�or what is happening now. That
man beat me because. . .I tried to shed light
on the darkness within us. That darkness,
that barrier is what my father attempted to
remove. He wanted to fill the void in our
minds. But the man didn�t want to hear my
message. And you cast me out because you too
are fearful of the truth, like him. But I�ll
tell you: the Third Impact was caused to close
the gap in our minds, to destroy the barriers
within and between ourselves. But it failed.
I could not accept it.�
He paused for a few moments to pull
out the necklace from his pocket. �I tried
hard to accept reality, to accept myself,
but I just ended up hating myself even more,�
he continued quietly as if he was speaking to himself. �I thought that I
could learn to
live in this world, but. . .I�m just a coward.
But I know the truth can be altered, that
reality can be changed. And I want to change
it.� The boy slipped the necklace around his
neck. He gazed at it for a minute and then
tucked it underneath his shirt. He looked up
and gave Elena a small smile. �I want to be
happy.�
The boy turned towards the north and
began to walk away.
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AUTHOR'S NOTES: First of all, I want to
dedicate this chapter to Allyn Yonge and Brian
Payne who were kind enough to look over this
work and help me make it better (or at least,
I think so ^_^;) Again, if you have any
questions or comments, send them to
sme291@hotmail.com.
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