Junko: Hi, everyone. Vince-kun was busy writing a chapter with Ranma,
Akane, Kasumi-san, Taro-kun, and, uh, some other people in it. We
weren't in the chapter, so he sent us to-- what did he say?
Sachiko: "Comment and criticise."
Michi: And crack some wise, too.
Junko: I don't think he said THAT.
Michi: Not to YOU, maybe. Eriko, get out here, they won't bite you!
Eriko: Are you sure?
While the events portrayed in this story are original, they present,
for the first time in a fan fiction, the true, untold background
stories of Ranma 1/2, as described by Rukimo Tashahaki herself in an
exclusive interview!
Junko <cocking an eyebrow at the name>: Put on the waders, girls, it's
going to get deep.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Eerily Plausible" A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic Series
by Douglas MacDougall http://www.dougmacd.net/fanworks/
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michi: Yaaay!
Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi / Shogakukan, Inc. Story and art by
Rumiko Takahashi. English adaptation by Gerard Jones and Toshifumi
Yoshida. RANMA 1/2 is a trademark of Viz Communications, Inc. This
story may be freely redistributed, but not altered or used for profit.
Junko: Well, that explains why Nabiki's not here...
For Mature Readers.
Eriko: I'm leaving.
Michi <snagging Eriko and plunking her back down in her seat>: Hey, you
might learn something!
Eriko: That's what I'm afraid of...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2: Mother of Pervert
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other girl returned the expression. "What are you talking
about? You probably ate five scoops worth of ice cream from the
samples! If you'd just ordered something instead of MOANING in front of
the ice cream guy this wouldn't have happened!!"
Eriko: She didn't. <Junko, Michi, and Sachiko nod-nod> Oh dear.
"Hey! I wasn't doing that!" She opened the front door, walking
into the house. "Is it MY fault he wanted to give me some free samples?
Man, and that frozen banana looked like it would have been good, too."
She licked her lips.
Eriko: I don't get it.
Michi: I'll explain later.
"Ranma!" she growled, coiling back her fist.
Junko: Wouldn't that hurt?
Sachiko: I think it's supposed to.
Junko: No, I mean Akane. I don't think she's that flexible.
"Ah, high-spirited Akane." The two teenagers turned their glares
away from each other and came upon a sight never before seen by martial
artist eyes. Happosai was in his room reclining on a pillow, holding a
tall glass of iced tea with a little paper parasol. He wore sandals,
bright pastel swimming trunks, a Hawaiian print shirt, and a pair of
stylish sunglasses.
Michi: Uh oh. He's been hanging ten with Principal Kuno.
Akane took a seat next to Ranma. "Mother was NOT violent!" she
huffed.
Junko: Double space.
"She couldn't very well bash little Kasumi over the head with that
shinai of hers, could she? She used it to keep Soun in line, but Kasumi
forced the more motherly tendencies out of her."
Michi: Like a tube of toothpaste?
Sachiko: I think he means something like "brought out the more motherly
tendencies in her."
"What? Mom never hit Dad. That's crazy!"
"She stopped shortly before you were born. As much as Soun loved
your mother, she had something of a stubborn streak, and perhaps a
little bit of jealousy..."
Ranma wisely kept quiet.
"...Which did not mix well with her violent tendencies. She was not
Junko: I'd use emdashes, and not capitalize "Which", and maybe not even
break the paragraph.
Michi <grumpily>: Just because you aced Composition last semester...
martially trained, but she had great deal of spirit, limitless
endurance, and a good deal of imagination. Be thankful that she used
that bamboo sword on your father instead of a katana!
Michi: Yeah, the shinai would have gotten all mangled if she'd hit the
katana with it. <notices others glaring at her> What?
"Yes, your mother was like an intense flame, burning brightly with
the fires of life. Your father saw that energy and was drawn to it like
a moth. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, if you come too close to the
flame, you get burned. Normally, Soun didn't mind; a few 'burns' were
no price to remain the presence of the beautiful light, but...
Junko: 'remain in the presence'?
"Akane. How little you know." Happosai shook his head. "How do
you think your father and Genma met?" He pointed at her, accusing,
"They were both hiding from their wives!"
Junko: I'd say 'at her accusingly. "They'
"Of course, they formed something of an instant mutual support
group. Weak-willed martial artists and the violent women they loved. I
Junko: Or maybe 'group: "weak-willed ... loved".' Maybe with some
judicious capitalization.
couldn't believe it when I heard it. Here, these two losers had
beautiful wives that loved them dearly, and they ran away from them. A
real man wouldn't run from a woman! He'd face her like a man."
Michi: Works for me. Ow!
Ranma interrupted, "Yeah, right! You're ALWAYS running from women
who want to beat you up, you old fart. What would YOU know about facing
a woman like a man?"
"I don't run AWAY! I lead them on. Surely you can appreciate what
it's like to be pursued by dozens of pretty girls, Ranma?" Happosai
grinned lecherously, wiggling his eyebrows.
"And when they catch me, even though I could easily escape or tap
all their shiatsu sleep spots, I let them beat me, a harmless little old
man. If it makes them feel better, who am I to complain about a little
mauling?"
Michi: A non-masochist?
Akane shivered at the prospect of Happosai hitting a bunch of school
girls' sleep spots. He could do it. And then he could do whatever he
wanted with their unconscious forms... She shuddered violently with the
thought.
Eriko: I'd really rather not dwell on Happosai's... erk... virtues.
"Back in those days, I was a wandering martial artist, honing my
skills, travelling from town to town."
"I think you mean being chased out of every town."
Happosai hit Ranma on the head with a pipe, causing her to wince and
hold her head. "Who's telling this story, boy? You keep quiet."
"As I was saying, I traveled from town to town, admiring the
beauties in (er, that is) beauty of each." He glanced at Ranma, as if
daring her to speak, but she kept quiet.
Sachiko: I'll bet she stuck out her tongue, though.
"The bar was no more noisy then most, which is to say pretty
Junko: 'noisy than most' and 'say, pretty'.
Michi: You sound like a parakeet. Ow!
raucous. Tensions from the work day were relieved in drink and raised
voices. Two in particular grabbed my attention.
"Sitting at a table in the corner, with several empty sake bottles
in front of them, were two men. One was large, both in height and
girth, wearing a kerchief over his head and hiding his balding hair.
Junko: How about 'wearing a kerchief over his balding head to cover his
remaining hair'?
The other was a taller still, a clean-shaven man with long black hair.
"The two had clearly been drinking for a long time. Their tongues
had been loosened hours ago, and they would bemoan -- loudly and with
bad slurs -- their wives.
Junko: Hah, a play on words! Vince-kun told us to watch for those!
"You stupid old goat, you just had them steal underwear for your
dumb perversions!"
"So, Ranma? You can't deny it built their backbone against women.
(Or at least taught them how to run faster and longer.) And what's
wrong if I took their plunder? Would you rather I let THEM keep the
underwear?"
All: YES!
"Stupid... You know what I mean!"
"What does it matter? They were happy, I was happy. Everyone was
happy."
Akane snapped, "Except for the women that lost their underwear!"
Michi: You tell 'em, Akane!
Junko: You're just mad because he wouldn't steal YOUR bra.
Michi: Shaddup.
"They too, were happy." Happosai folded his arms, and nodded his
Junko: '"They, too, were'... and the comma after 'arms' can go.
head solemnly. "I was bringing adventure and excitement to the boring
lives of those women. Although they would not admit it, even to
themselves, they appreciated the fact that someone thought highly enough
of them to take something so precious from them, so intimate a reminder
of their womanhood..."
Eriko <firmly>: That's NOT the way it was. Not everyone's as perverted
as Michi.
Michi: Hey!
Ranma retched, "I think I'm gonna be sick."
Akane agreed, "Enough with your stupid perversions, and this dumb
story. I'm not sure how you met Dad; he's too scared to talk about it,
but you sure as heck never met my mother!"
Junko: Leading attributions don't work for me here...
"Ah, but I did! For you see, over the years, my training had
started to become successful. Your fathers began to stand up to (or
rather, withstand) the tempers of your mothers. It was more and more
rare that they would run away.
Unfortunately, when they did, it was for longer periods of time.
They could handle the their wives' smaller outbursts, but not the novae
Michi: "Novae"? As in immature insects?
Junko: Exploding stars. I'd have said "earthquakes" myself; the flavor
would fit better.
that your mothers could produce. No one could stand up to that." The
master shivered. "And after these spectacular fights, it would take a
long time indeed for the ladies to calm down."
"The two liked nothing more then travelling from bar to bar, so by
visiting the drinking establishments of nearby towns, and asking around,
I was quickly able to establish were they had come from.
Junko: 'where'
"You said that Nabiki was just a baby when you visited, right? A
couple a months old?"
Junko: Hmm... Well, Ranma usually speaks better than that now, but when
he backslides he sounds more like 'coupla' or maybe 'couple o''...
"Yes. She was three months old."
"And you said Soun was gone for a long time?"
"Several months."
"But Akane's a year younger then Nabiki, right?"
Akane answered warily, "Yes..."
Ranma turned to Akane. "You were born a year after Nabiki, minus
nine months of pregnancy... So you were, uh, conceived, um, three
months after Nabiki was born. But according to the freak, Mr. Tendo was
training then, right? So--"
Michi <counting on her fingers>: Uh oh.
Ranma next word followed Akane's shriek.
"Akane?"
She was too busy throttling Happosai to notice him speaking.
"You're LYING! I'm not related to you! I'm NOT a pervert!!!"
Sachiko: And once again, Akane sets a new record in the Jumping To
Conclusions event...
Michi: Yeah, but this time I think she's right.
Eriko: It seems to be the conclusion Doug-san wants us to reach...
Junko <smirking>: Which is exactly why I say it's wrong.
Ranma blinked.
Due to her shaking, Happosai's small brain had already bounced
around the inside of his skull too much for him to maintain
consciousness. Akane flung his is limp form through the wall and
Junko: 'his limp'. I hope.
started babbling. "I'm not like that. I'm NOT! It isn't true. It's
imPOSSible!"
Eriko: Maybe even "inconceivable"? <cringes under dirty looks> Maybe not.
He swallowed. A few months ago they had found out that Shampoo was
Happosai's great-granddaughter, and she was as perverted as him, now.
Michi <google-eyed>: Holy hentai, Catwoman, is it possible?
He had had to learn yet another special technique to defeat Cologne and
get a cure to the 'Cracked Leather Shiatsu' Technique that had forced
him to wear a bra in his cursed form.
Sachiko: I wonder if that's how Nodoka-san persuaded her to?
Happosai was three generations removed from Shampoo. What would it
be like for a girl just one generation removed?
Michi <waving an imaginary hat in the air>: YEE-HAAAA! Ride that bronc,
Akane!
He stared at Akane in
fear, eyes wide. He remembered Akane yelling that he hated boys. And
later, at Jusenkyo, that she liked him the way he was, a half-boy,
half-girl. It all made so much sense...
Junko: Clearly this is a new definition of "sense" with which I was not
previously familiar.
Sachiko: That's only because you're not really a Takahashi character.
Junko: Rats, you're right.
His brain attempted the Saotome Secret Technique. Maybe Ukyo was
really the girl for him!
Sachiko: That's not the Saotome Secret Technique, that's the Kuonji
Secret Technique with Extra Sauce. The SST would be for him to make a
sonic boom departing in the direction of wherever there weren't ANY
fiancees.
Michi: Is there such a place?
Eriko: But you must admit that it's in character for Ranma not to get it
right...
As he laughed nervously at his own thoughts, Akane's desperate eyes
turned to him, and she grabbed his shirt, "You believe me, don't you!
He's not my... I'm not his... He was LYING, he had to be!"
Ranma tried to inch away, soothing Akane. "Of course, Akane.
There's no way that old freak is you father." She chuckled uneasily.
Junko: Even Ranma under stress would say 'your'.
"Don't SAY that! Don't call him that!!" Her desperate eyes became
crazed, filling with tears. Ranma started trying to get away in
earnest, but Akane's grip had tightened considerably.
Soun could not have picked a worse time to come into the room.
All: Now THAT's original-flavor.
"Akane, what's wrong?" he asked. Not even a second later, his
sympathetic voice turned to accusation. "Ranma, what have you done to
my daughter?!"
"N- Nothing!" stammered Ranma.
Michi: <impersonating Soun badly>: Well, why not?!
Akane let go of him, causing him to fall back, and ran over to her
father. He WAS her father, she told herself. "Daddy, tell me it's not
true!"
He was instantly all compassion and sympathy. "What is it Akane?
Junko: 'it, Akane?"'
What's wrong?"
"Happosai didn't know mother, did he? He didn't stay at the house
Junko: 'Mother'
when Nabiki was a baby and you were off with Mr. Saotome, right?"
The blood draining from Soun's face was not the comforting response
she had been hoping for. "Th- The Master told you?"
Akane shook her head in denial. "No. NO!"
Ranma blinked repeatedly. It was one thing to know that your
fiancee MIGHT be the daughter of the greatest pervert in Japan, but to
hear it from the person you thought was her father... "You mean...
Happosai really is Akane's father?"
Pausing only to stare at Ranma, Soun passed out.
Junko: I point out that that would only be taken as a "yes" by people
who-- uh oh. Hang on to your hats, here we go.
Akane stared at her father's... or rather Mr. Tendo's unconscious
Junko: 'or, rather, Tendo-san's'-- er, Mr. Tendo's, sorry.
body. She didn't feel anything. It must be shock. She held onto her
arms for some sense of reality, or solidity, but it didn't help.
Casting her eyes about, she saw Ranma staring at her.
There was compassion in her eyes, but she was keeping her distance;
something was holding her back. Was it fear?
Or disgust?
Michi: Nah, she just had garlic teriyaki for lunch.
She couldn't take it anymore, and ran crying out of the house. She
had to get away before she did something perverted. Shampoo had been
able to hold it off for a while, but when she fell, she fell hard. She
had to hold it off, no matter what!
Michi <puzzled>: Why fight it?
* * * * *
A part of Ranma really wanted to follow, but she didn't have a clue
what to do if he caught up to her. Hell, Akane might have run off
Junko: 'she'. I think. Maybe. With Ranma, it's always hard to be sure.
BECAUSE of her. Because of what she did or didn't do. If she said the
wrong thing, she might just make it worse.
Sachiko: And this is stopping Ranma why, exactly?
Eriko: It never stopped her before...
Soun seemed to come around, and pulled himself up to a sitting
position. "What? You mean Akane found out? Oh, how I hoped to spare
her this day..." Tears started stream out of his eyes. "Wait a minute.
Junko: 'started streaming' or 'started to stream'
What did you say about Happosai?"
"He's Akane's real father, right?"
"Wha-AAAT?!"
"You mean she's not?"
"NO, of course not! How can you say such a thing about your
fiancee, Ranma?!?"
Michi <doing a bad Ranma impersonation>: Well, I opened my mouth...
"What, you and pop really did hide from your wives?"
Junko: 'Pop'
"I can hardly forget that. It was the worst fight ever. I was away
for seven weeks. Fourty-seven days away from my darling--"
Junko: 'Forty-seven'
"MY BABY'S THE MASTER'S DAUGHTER!" wailed Soun. Torrents of tears
flowed out of his eyes. "Oh, my Darling, how could you have done this
Junko: 'Darling' or 'my darling', your choice.
to me? Did I hurt you so much when I left?" He lay down on the floor
and trailed off into unintelligible babbling.
This couldn't be happening. Her world was falling apart. When she
had found out about Shampoo's problem, she'd rejoiced at first. There
was no way Ranma would ever want to many a pervert like her. But as the
Michi: 'many'? Is that another one of those plays on words?
Junko: I think he means 'marry'. I hope.
weeks passed, her joy had faded and been replaced by pity.
The once-proud Amazon warrior had been reduced to a panty thief.
She had a... physical addiction to the charms of women. Fondling
women's undergarments could sate her for a while, but she couldn't
escape the need to feel a real woman, and her own body wouldn't suffice.
Michi: Dang. That IS serious. If I had a body like that, it'd sure
suffice me... that was more than you wanted to know, wasn't it.
Others: <nodnod>
Is that what would happen to her? Reduced to a shell of a woman?
Reduced to no better than the crudest man? Had Ranma somehow been able
to see the truth from the beginning? He'd called her unfeminine the
whole time.
Sachiko: Ranma, perceptive... what's wrong with this picture?
Eriko <nodding>: She's gone loopy.
It was waiting for her. How long did she have left? Had it already
started? Would Ranma's gender flipping help her fight off the
Junko: 'gender-flipping'
perversion, or accelerate it? It was all too much to think about.
Michi <nodding enthusiastically>: By all means, let's be empirical about
this. <notices others staring at her> What? I read it in a book! <others
keep staring> I read books!
"Bwee?"
Akane blinked her eyes and saw P-Chan at her feet, looking at her
with concern. He was never around for long, but he was always there in
her time of need. He was her guardian angel.
Michi: Pigs with wings?
She waited for P-Chan to respond, but he just lay there in shock.
"P-Chan, are you aright? P-Chan?!" She gave him a little shake, but
Junko: 'all right?' You'll probably use that wretched 'alright', though.
aside from his head lolling from side to side, he didn't respond.
She put her ear to his round belly, but couldn't hear a heartbeat.
Was she listening in the wrong place? Terrified, she placed him down on
his back and applied pressure to his chest with two fingers. There was
no response. "P-Chan! Wake up! Please, answer me!"
Junko: Cardio-porcine resuscitation?
Unsure of what to do, she leaned forward, put her mouth around
P-Chan's snout, and breathed in the barest puff of air. His eyes
immediately snapped open and he started a frenetic little pig-coughing.
All: Ewww.
Sachiko: Why do I get the feeling there's something we don't know about
this pig?
"Oh, P-Chan, you're alright! I was so worried." She picked him up
again and held him tightly to her chest. He stopped coughing, opened
his eyes, realized where he was, and passed out with a nose bleed.
Michi: It's a hentai-pig! I want one! <slaps herself before the others
get a chance to> I can't believe I said that.
Sighing in relief, she noticed for the first time a wet, slick
liquid on her chest, looking at her fingers she realized it was blood,
Junko: 'chest; looking'
splattered all over her.
Horror overtook her yet again as he quickly looked for wounds on
Junko: 'she'
P-Chan, but didn't find any. There was just a spot of blood on his
nose. Had she squeezed him too tight?
But then she realized that, if P-Chan were a person, he was acting
just like a shy boy in love. Getting nose bleeds, and blushing when she
kissed him on the snout. Maybe P-Chan WAS in love with her.
She pulled her legs up to her body and cradled herself. Was she
giving off some sort of pig signals? Did P-Chan think she was a cute
sow? Did having Happosai's blood in her veins make her some sort of
bestial pervert? Was she... leading P-Chan on without even knowing it?
Sachiko: Eerily plausible.
Junko: Funny thing about that.
Reluctantly, Genma stood up, stretched the kinks out of his muscles,
and walked around the house. Glancing into the rooms as he went, he
almost skipped master Happosai's room, but on a whim, decided to peek
inside.
Junko: 'Master', I think.
"You've killed Tendo!"
Eriko: He's just resting! <others look at her and she sweatdrops> Father
watches this strange show from England...
"Eh?" With a deft flip of the hand he was holding, Genma found a
pulse on Soun's wrist. "Well, so he is!" he laughed amiably. Then his
Junko: double space.
arms shot out to grab Ranma's shirt. "What are you THINKING boy,
Junko: 'THINKING, boy,'
knocking out our host like this? It's unforgivable!"
"Hey, I didn't--"
"You'll have to make it up to him," Genma continued. "But for
something this serious, you'll have to do something extra special." He
stood back up, making a fist of determination. "Well that's it, then.
Junko: 'Well, that's'
You've got no choice but to marry his daughter! I know it'll be a
sacrifice--"
All: <facefault>
Sachiko: That's Genma, all right.
"What?!?" Again, Genma was at his friend's side. "Why haven't you
called a doctor? Oh, Tendo, why didn't you tell me you had a heart
condition--" Whack. "This is getting old, Boy."
All: Nah. Hit him a few more times.
"Well, his old lady might have had an affair..."
Genma's eyes widened. "That's not possible, Ranma. Tendo's wife
was the epitome of a traditional loving housewife. She was just like
your mother, in a lot of ways."
Sachiko: I have a bad feeling about the line this conversation is taking.
Junko: I think you should.
Ranma's father furrowed his brow with thought. "But he was never
away that long. Well, of course there was the Cookie Incident..." He
twitched. "Seventeen years and I can still remember it like--
Eriko: He probably ate the cookie dough before she could bake it. I know
that would make me furious.
Michi: Dang.
Ranma shrank away. "Well, we're not completely sure..." he hedged.
"I mean... It's not like he actually admitted anything. Akane could
have been jumping to conclusions.
All: "COULD HAVE BEEN"?!!!
Michi: It's her second-favorite exercise!
A sinking feeling came over Genma. Now that he thought about it,
he, his son, and Tendo were all in Happosai's room. The only person not
present was Happosai, himself. But there was an ominously shaped hole
Junko: 'Happosai himself.'
in one of the walls. "Where's the master?"
"Akane sorta..." he pointed to the hole in the wall.
Junko: 'He'
"Well," said Genma in an effort to calm himself. "I guess one of
Junko: I'd say 'himself, "I guess'
the other sisters will have to be your fiancee." He stroked his chin.
"Fortunately, Nabiki's already had some practice."
Michi: Practice makes pervert.
"Hey! There's no way I'm marrying her!"
He looked sadly at his son. "Don't worry. You'll have time to
adjust after the mourning."
"Mourning?"
Genma produced a stake and mallet. "Of course. We have to kill the
spawn of Happosai before she breeds," he said matter-of-factly.
"Wha...? Akane isn't a vampire!!!"
Michi: Yeah, this isn't "The Clan"! We'd all have been killed out by now
in that one! Either that or deflowered-- hmmm. 'Scuse me, I'm switching
writers.
Junko, Eriko, Sachiko: MICHI!!
Michi: Dang.
"C'mon, boy. It's a martial artist's duty to kill monsters."
Junko: Look, I can live with either 'Boy' or 'boy'--
Michi: If you can't, can I have them?
Junko <whapping Michi>: --but please be consistent.
"She's not a monster, either!"
Genma turned to look at his son (currently daughter) with disbelief.
"What are you saying? She's the master's DAUGHTER! Of course she's a
monster! Who knows what fiendish powers she has. She's probably a
Junko: 'has?'
siren, luring men to her and draining their manhood..."
Michi <holding up her hands in protest when everyone turns to look at
her> I didn't say a thing!
Junko: You were thinking it.
Michi <smirking>: You betcha.
Junko: But to make plurality match, it should be 'manhoods'.
Michi: Shouldn't it be 'menhood'?
Junko: No. That's how you got the C and "see me after class" on your
last test.
Michi: Oh yeah.
"She's not like that! She--"
"Boy, she's been working her wiles on you all along! Look at you!"
Sachiko: Akane has wiles?
Ranma almost laughed when her father started cracking his knuckles.
But her eyes shot open when the old man was suddenly moving at her
faster than she had ever seen him move before.
Michi: Even faster than when they had gyu-niku for dinner? Wow.
As Ukyo walked away from the rental office, she occupied herself
with thoughts of what she'd like to do with the sexist jerk that owned
the building she leased for the Ucchan's. That was the reason she
Junko: 'for Ucchan's', I think... and double space later.
hadn't brought any spatulas with her -- so she wouldn't be tempted to
Junko: 'her: so'
use them on him.
When she'd originally signed the lease, there hadn't been a problem.
But when the landlord had shown up to see what she'd done with the
Junko: Leading space.
store, he'd been a complete ass, saying that girls had no business
cooking -- only serving. She would have brained him on the spot, if he
wasn't the building owner.
She'd begged him off, saying that her 'brother' wasn't around. And
so, her little deception had begun. Whenever she saw the owner, she'd
make sure she was dressed like a guy, and restrain her natural desire to
beat some good old fashioned Southern sense into the freak.
Junko: 'old-fashioned'
She hated it, but she wanted to keep her store. It's not like she
Junko: 'It wasn't like' so tense matches 'wanted'
WANTED to dress like a boy. She'd eagerly taken back her femininity
after Ranchan had affirmed that, even when trying to act masculine, her
inner cuteness shined through.
Junko: 'shone'
Of course, she still wore a boy's uniform to school, but that was
strictly a comfort thing. Any little breeze (or pervert) could blow up
a skirt.
Eriko: Don't give him ideas about more uses for a Happodaikarin.
For the n'th time that afternoon, she tugged at her shirt, trying to
get a breeze down her top to cool down.
Junko: 'Nth'
"I'm so sorry!" The short-haired girl apologized, bobbing her head.
"I wasn't watching where I was going."
Junko: Leading space.
Ukyo grinned, "Yeah, well I'm not like other boys."
Junko: 'well, I'm'
Akane smiled weakly. "I don't think I know any normal boys. And
now I might have scared away the only one who might be okay."
What was this? Ukyo found herself slightly excited. Had Akane done
something to screw up her engagement to Ranma? She licked her lips,
trying to get more information. If they really were headed towards
spiltsville... "What makes you say that?"
Junko: 'Splitsville'
"It's just that my... That is, my family..." Akane struggled to
find the words to say. "I have a... relative that my fiance doesn't
like."
"So? If he's scared away because he doesn't like one of your
relatives, he's probably not the boy for you anyway," she suggested
helpfully. Maybe it was a little cruel to say as much to Akane, but it
was true! After all, Ukyo didn't care about relatives. She was going
to marry Ranma, even though he was the son of that jackass Genma!
Sachiko: Now that's determination.
"It's not that he doesn't like this... relative. Well he does --
Junko: 'Well, he'
hate him, that is. Rather, he probably won't like what I've inherited
from him."
"What, did they have health problems?" She'd heard that Akane's
mother had passed away when she was still young.
"No. I haven't inherited a weak constitution. It's more like I'll
be too lively..."
Michi <snorts her soda>: That's one word for it.
Ukyo lifted her baseball cap up just enough to scratch her head,
without letting any of the hair fall out. "How's that a problem? What,
are you doing to turn into a sex fiend or something?" She giggled.
Michi <impersonating Ukyo>: Can I do it too?
Junko: I think he means 'going'.
Michi: Rats.
Eriko <fingers in ears>: La-la-la-la...
"Uh..." Akane blushed a bright red, but didn't deny it.
Her jaw dropped. No way! Damn. The tomboy already exuded some
sort of pheromones that attracted all sorts of cute (if weird) boys to
her, and now she was going to turn into lady of the night? Her Ranchan
Junko: 'into a lady', I think.
was strong, but living in the same house with that sort of thing would
be a terrible temptation. She had to get them apart.
Michi: You and whose crowbar?
Indeed, Akane was shaking her head in denial. "But it won't be like
that! I won't turn into a hussy! I'm not going to turn in Shampoo!"
Junko <gagging Michi before she can say anything>: 'turn into Shampoo!"'
Ukyo blinked. "Why would you turn into Sham..." Understanding
dawned. "Your relative. It's Happosai, isn't it?" Her chest felt cold
with fear.
"It doesn't seem possible, does it?" He gave a half-hearted laugh,
Michi <gagging Junko in retaliation> 'She'. Hah, I got one!
laced with hysteria. "I can't imagine what was going through Mother's
head..."
"He's your FATHER?!"
Akane jumped surprised at the suddenness and loudness of Ukyo's
response. "I'm-- I'm-- I'm sure it won't be that bad..."
Junko: 'jumped, surprised'
She reflexively reach for her back, and had a sinking feeling when
Junko: 'reached'
there was no feel of solid metal. That's right; she'd left Mr. Spatula
and all her other weapons at home.
All <incredulously>: "Mr. Spatula"??
Michi: I'm having a flashback to Dave Roeder's last chapter. Yowza.
"I just realized," she said, backing away. "I have to be somewhere.
Junko: Broken sentence fixable with 'away, "I have'
Akane lost her train of thought, confused by something. "I like..."
She glanced at Ukyo's chest. Her hands were on the young boy's collar,
but her forearms were pressed against his chest. But there was
something... weird with it.
It was lumpy.
She pressed a hand against on of the lumps.
Junko: 'one'
Eriko: Oh, my.
Squeeze.
Michi: Or, to quote Viz, "goosh". Hey, that's what I need, sound effects!
"Eee!" The boy squeaked in a most effeminate manner. Akane tilted
her head and squinted here eyes. There was something familiar with that
Junko: 'her eyes.'
face. If she didn't know better, she'd say the boy looked like...
"Ukyo?"
All: PIN-PON!!
"I'm only trying to protect you!" Genma flailed, having been
securely fastened to a chair by the only material handy: hundreds of
brassieres.
Junko: I'd omit 'having been'. And the space after the colon.
"I'm going out to find Akane."
"Wait! Don't go! You must avoid her! What if she forces hot,
passionate sex on you? What if you get her pregnant?!"
Michi: Hah? Isn't that what they've been trying to talk Ranma INto for
many many chapters?
Sachiko: Wait for it.
Michi: I'm always having to wait for hot, passionate sex, darn it.
Panic edged
into his voice. "I don't want the next generation of Happosais to have
Saotome blood in them! Think of HUMANITY!"
Michi: Two words: pervert pandas.
Others: AAIIEE!
Until, after a few moments, Genma started chuckling. Unable to
restrain himself, he let the chuckle become a full belly laugh. "I've
done it, Tendo! I've finally DONE it!" He tried to nudge his friend
up, but he couldn't reach with his limbs were all firmly tied down.
Junko: 'limbs all'
"The boy thinks I want him staying away from Akane. So naturally,
he's running off to be by her side!" He knew there was no way Tendo's
departed wife could have ever done anything with the master. Ranma knew
nothing about the woman, and would of course think the worst. Well,
he'd let his son continue to think that, if it meant he would try to
marry Akane out of spite.
"He thinks he's beaten me, but he's fallen prey to Anything Goes
Martial Arts Reverse Psychology! Foolish boy!"
Michi: Oh, I get it now. Smooth.
Tendo's only response was to shake his head side to side in some
fevered dream. Genma was slightly annoyed, feeling the need for a
partner to celebrate. "Hey, wake up!"
"Mmm," he moaned, still unconscious. "Why, Dear? Why did it have
to be with Happosai...?"
Genma blinked. She'd actually...? And he'd sent his only son
after...? "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
Michi: Look on the bright side. Maybe the kid will learn the Akane-Ken
after he's been ravished a few times.
Unless, maybe she'd WANTED to be fooled? She'd let herself think of
Ukyo as a boy, because if he grabbed the chest of a man, it wouldn't be
perverted.
Junko: 'she'. Unless Akane's REALLY confused.
But Ukyo was no boy, no matter how she dressed. Ukyo was startled
by Akane's reaction, but Akane had been horrified to the core. Ukyo was
able to run away from the situation, but no amount of running would let
Akane escape herself.
Sachiko: How profound...
Michi <munching popcorn>: I want some fan-service, dammit.
At least, she thought it was because of the exertions. It couldn't
be from some perverted... Blocking off the idle speculation, she paused
to try to identify the source of her rapid heartbeat. It wasn't the
running -- she was in too good a shape. No, she must be on the edge of
hysteria. Combined with her heavy breathing, she started to feel light
headed and wobbly.
Junko: 'light-headed'
She held onto the tree for balance, taking deep, soothing breaths.
She had to calm down. Think about this calmly. She had to-- Giggling
female voices came from deeper into the trees. A manic grin slowly grew
on her face.
She knew exactly what to do to feel better.
All: Uhoh.
"Ucchan, are you alright? I heard the scream." He gave her a hand
and lifted her to her feet. "What happened to you?"
The shell-shocked chef slowly
Michi: Say that three times fast, I dare you.
looked into Ranma's eyes. And then
grabbed him in a hug. "It was so horrible!" She pressed her cheek into
Ranma's chest.
Michi: Hey, good move. I'll have to remember that one.
Ukyo continued, her tone somewhere between a gripe and a wail. "Why
do I have to be the one to catch the brunt of Akane 'coming out' party?
Junko: 'Akane's'
When Shampoo flipped, at least the groping and been spread all around!"
Junko: er... 'groping had been spread'? But she's there-then, so she'd
say 'groping was spread', wouldn't she?
Michi: I think maybe we should do that other story; it sounds
interesting.
"Just throw back our clothes!" hissed the sandy-blonde.
"Oh, yeah." Ranma leaned over and picked up the parts of a
prep-school uniform. A plaid vest here. Maroon pants there. A sports
bra. "Say, you haven't seen a short-haired girl around, have you?" He
tossed the clothes on top of the bush.
"Have we?! She did this to us!"
"Oh?" He sweated. "Did you see where she went?"
The girl with the aqua hair shook her friend. "Sh- She's coming
back!"
Eriko: Why do I sense a thinly-veiled crossover-cameo?
Michi: Damfino.
"You can't tell me that! You grabbed Ukyo! You stripped those two
girls!" he thumbed back at the bush behind him.
Junko: Since 'thumbed' doesn't work as an attribution, 'He'.
Akane winced. "U- Ukyo was an accident..."
"And the girls?"
She blushed. "Um... They were intentional. But you don't have to
worry about it. I'm not perverted."
Michi: Junko, remember what you said about definitions?
Junko: Hush.
Ranma stood with his mouth agape. "Excuse me?"
"You see," Akane began, "After I (um) did that Ukyo, I started
Junko: 'did that to Ukyo,'
asking myself WHY I did it. Was it an accident, or was it because I
found her attractive? And for once, I was truthful to myself. She did
look... nice."
Ranma's heart sank.
"But she didn't look like a girl, either. So I figured I'm probably
attracted to boys. I tried to think of all the good looking boys I
Junko: 'good-looking'
know, so I could figure out if Ukyo looked like them.
"There's Mousse, with his long hair and soulful eyes. Taro's lithe
body. Ryunosuke, with his gentle manner and long lashes. Konatsu."
She tapped her chin. "Have you ever noticed that good looking boys look
a lot like good looking girls?"
Junko: See above.
Michi: C'mon, fanservice! Stop just talking about the good-looking boys!
"What do you mean, you 'tested' it?" he asked. For that matter what
did it meant when she said that neither of them 'did it for her'?
Junko: 'matter, what' and 'mean'
Akane couldn't take it any more. "I was scared, okay! Maybe I
overreacted, but I was desperate! How would you react if you knew you
might turn into Happosai?"
Sachiko: Spring of Drowned Perverted Old Martial-Arts Master... what's
that in Chinese?
Others: Eeeek.
He suppressed a shudder.
"I had to know. I HAD to! If I knew, at least I could do something
about it! But I can't take not knowing! I don't want to turn into
something else and not even recognize it's happening to me! I'm going
to go down kicking a screaming!!"
Eriko <glaring at Michi>: Don't say it.
"I guess it's just a good thing that you found out you're not
attracted to girls as soon as you did. Those two girls are upset, and
Ukyo, but it could have been a lot worse..."
Michi: And thunder rumbles.
Akane tugged on his arm, urging him on. "Hurry up." She glanced
behind her.
"What's the rush?"
"There she is, officer!" "That's the... the... PERSON that did this
to me!" "Give me back my innocence!!!"
Michi: Told you.
Eriko: "Innocence?" La-la-la-la-la-la!
"I think we lost them." Akane glanced over the edge of the roof
they were laying, and rolled back to face Ranma. The two of them were
flat on their stomachs, hiding on the hot shingled surface.
Junko: I'd say 'roof where they lay.'
She sat up, glaring at him angrily. "I don't WANT to think about
it, Ranma! But I don't know what kind of pervert I'm going to turn
into! I have to know what to expect, so I can do something about it!"
Michi: Sadist.
Others: <nodnod>
"But..."
"I have to think of every possibility, Ranma. No matter how
far-fetched. You've got to help me think of ideas!"
"What do I know about perversions?" He caught Akane's sidelong
glance. "HEY!"
Akane whispered, "I just don't want to turn into a monster, Ranma"
Junko: 'Ranma."'
He refrained from mentioning that it might have started, anyway.
Her logic about stripping lots of girls to make sure she WASN"T a
Junko: 'WASN'T'
pervert didn't seem terribly sound to him. "I don't know. Just... Stay
away from pigs." He narrowed his eyes, thinking of a certain rival.
"And don't go near any perverts."
"Well, boys are supposed to be attracted to girls like their
mother..." He started twiddling his fingers. "And girls are supposed
to be attracted to boys like their father. I just wouldn't want you
falling for some young Happosai-wannabe."
Akane had a vision of her running through a grassy field with
Happosai, only his gi was white, and had the symbol for 'youth' printed
on it. She picked him up and spun him in her arms. They stared into
each others' sparkling eyes, and Akane pulled her man in for a deep
kiss. Their tongues probed each other's--
Michi: I just love SD flashbacks.
"EW!!!" She clocked Ranma in the jaw. "Ew, gross!!" She
repeatedly smacked his prone body, causing the occasional twitch. "How
can you even SUGGEST something like that?!" She paused from her
ministrations when she noticed him weakly raising a finger. "What?"
"I just thought of another type of perversion you should avoid."
"What?"
"Sadism."
All: Awwww.
She narrowed her eyes. "So you think I LIKE to hurt people?" she
growled.
He pulled back from her. "O- Of course not..."
"Although I suppose it would explain some things..."
"Wh- What?" He'd only been joking.
"I guess I should try it out a bit, just to make sure. I do have to
know..." Akane started cracking her knuckles. "Say, Ranma, can you do
me a favor?" she asked sweetly, turning to face him.
All: HAHAHAHA!
She was just in time to see his pigtail disappear over the edge of
the roof. "He ran away from me! I can't believe it! And when I need
his help the most!" She huffed indignantly, running over to the edge,
and watched him flee.
She tasted salt, and realized she was licking her lips, covered with
beads of sweat. It felt as though the heat was directly penetrating her
body. Ranma. A wild horse. And sometimes girl. Able to take a
beating. "You're a pervert's delight, Ranma."
All: PIN-PON!!
She decided then that she'd never let Shampoo have him. He was too
perfect. "I think it's too late, Ranma. He's may not be like my
Junko: 'He'
father, but it seems I've already found a pervert..."
Leaping off the roof, she felt a wonderful flush, as her heart
started beating more rapidly. Time for the hunt. "RanMA!!!"
Michi: Now THAT's WAFFy.
"So Akane couldn't have been conceived by your father!"
Nabiki tilted her head. "And why not?"
"I thought you were supposed to be good with figures! Three months
old, plus nine months pregnancy, equals twelve months. You're a year
older than Akane."
"But fourteen minus nine equals five."
Ranma blinked. "What does that have anything to do with it?"
"It has something to do with it, Ranma, because I'm fourteen months
older than Akane, not twelve."
Ranma blinked.
Akane blinked.
Soun's eyes widened.
Genma twitched on the floor.
Junko: Aha!
Soun was the first to break the silence. "I knew it! I knew my
Darling would never betray me so!" He started crying happily, freeing
Genma.
Junko: How is his crying freeing Genma? Or is he crying while freeing Genma?
"Wow!" Ranma smiled. "I gotta say I'm relieved!"
Nabiki strolled to the stair to go up to her room. "Oh, I wouldn't
say you're relieved, yet, Ranma-baby." She winked. "Ciao!"
"Huh?" He blinked, and turned to Akane. "What did she mean by--
Urk!"
Waves of heat came off of Akane, distorting the air around her like
a mirage. She looked at the floor as she spoke, her bangs shielding her
eyes from view. "I went through all that... I thought I was going to
turn into a pervert... I thought I already WAS a pervert... All
because of what you said, Ranma!" She looked up, and glowing red eyes
bored into Ranma.
"Uh...." He backed away.
"DIE!!!"
Eriko: Good thing he's so durable.
Others: <nodnod>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Started 1999-05-20 Completed 2000-08-02 Last modified 2000-08-04
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michi: Whoa. And I thought Vince-kun wrote slow.
Others: Sssssh!
The plastic bag went onto the counter, and she started pulling out
the groceries, carefully putting everything into it's proper shelf or
Junko: 'its'
bin. Outside the window facing the dojo, she could hear the voices of
her little sister and Ranma more clearly.
The tinniest of frowns passed over her face, as she thought of how
Junko: 'tiniest', I hope.
active she was herself. She stayed busy in the house, but never got
excited. Not like when she was a child.
After all, she'd gotten better after that nice old man had visited.
He had shown her how she could channel her excess energy and distribute
it outside of her body. She'd used it on Doctor Tofu, and the normally
calm doctor had become much more fun and lively!
Sachiko: Eerily--
All: --plausible.
Junko: Hey, after what he taught Hinako-sensei, anything's possible.
Oops. She blushed. Tomorrow she'd have to make sure to let out a
little more energy. Humming a little song to herself, she hoped the
people of Nerima appreciated the contributions she was giving them.
All: Oh my.
Junko: Well, Doug-san, I hope we were able to fill in for Vince-kun
adequately. If he were here, I'm sure he'd say that this is just the
sort of madcap misunderstanding-filled mayhem that he reads Ranma 1/2
for, and one reason he reads Ranma fanfic.
Michi: But next time more fanservice, OK? And I mean guys with their
shirts off, the sleek muscles of their chests beckoning the lucky girls
who run away just fast enough not to escape... er, excuse me, I need to
go take a cold shower. Akane's so lucky...
Sachiko: Doug-san, I particularly enjoyed the comic characterization
(especially of Genma) and the snappy dialogue.
Eriko: Can I take my fingers out of my ears now?
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"
Team Akane Fanfic Analysts FFIRC Vacancy
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in beef-bowl.