Yasashi's hand was red where it gripped the handle of
the blade. The hue was matched in both her face and the gums
that outlined her clenched teeth. Her breathing was hard and
sharp; a furnace left at high temperature for far too long,
and sweat covered her like confetti on abeauty queen's
shoulders.
    "Are you blind?" Sei cried. "It's you! You drove them
all away! They're _terrified_ of you!"
    Steadily, she began moving towards him. With an almost
deceptive gentleness, she jabbed her sword at his stomach.
He dodged easily, and she followed to jab again.
    Ryoori's scream never made it out of her throat. Its
understudy was pathetic, the kind of squeak appropriate only
for a doggy chew toy. But it was enough to grab Sei's
attention. His eyes widened at the sight of her.
    "Ryoori! Quick, get away!"
    Sei wasn't the only one to notice her. Yasashi's head
whipped around. "After all you've done, you'd dare?! Slut!
This is _my_ home and _my_ husband!"
    A thousand commands ran through Ryoori's brain, and
her body refused to follow any one of them. She couldn't
even twitch. She was stuck fast, turned to stone just by
looking at the figure before her.
    It was the eyes most of all. Yasashi's eyes were like
twin power drills eating into her skull. And yet, they
didn't seem to be entirely focused on her.
    Yasashi swung her arm around and the tip of her weapon
appeared centimeters away from Sei's throat.
    "I told you... Both of you... But you wouldn't
listen... Now, D-"
    *Ding Dong*
    "Oh, of all the-!" Yasashi shook her fist in
frustration. "You two stay where you are, okay?"
    Yasashi yanked her sword out of its deadly position
and stormed towards the door. Sei's eyelid twitched and he
fell to the ground.
    *Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dog*
    "Alright alright!" Yasashi grabbed the knob and threw
the door open. "What do you wa-AAAAAAAAAH!"

***

Improfanfic (doesn�t) Present...

W  A  F  F     S  Q  U  A  D

Created and Started by Aaron Shattuck

Part 1: Smile, damn you! Smile!

Written by Aaron Shattuck

Edited by Chippy the Transvestite Gnome

***

    "I wuv you," Sei said. He rubbed his cheek against
Yasashi's and gave her a quick peck on the lips.
    "I wuv you too." Yasashi pecked him back and snuggled
closer.
    The embers in the fireplace began to die down, leaving
only a faint, but warm light to fall across the couple on
the rug. Entwined tightly in each other's arms, both Sei and
Yasashi became quiet for a spell, each savoring the moment,
and each blinking back tears of joy, which began to turn red
and run down the side of their faces-
    The image froze. With a cough, Team Leader Iwa Awayaku
rose from his seat and made his way up to the stage. Once
there, he pulled at his tie, and tapped the screen with his
trademarked cane.
    "This is about when the worms started coming out of
their eyes," he said.
    "Oooo!" came a voice from the audience. "But that's
not nice at all!"
    "Ha ha." The Team Leader shook his head. "No, it's
rather disturbing, actually. Hardly what you'd consider an
_adequate_ achievement of our goals. Anyhow, what I believe
this little faux-pas illustrates, is that the brainwashing
drugs still just aren't _quite_ up to snuff as of yet. I
don't wish to jump to conclusions, but I think this may have
something to do with the fact that our own Professor Soba
has recently been driven insane from untreated syphilis."
    In his seat, Professor Soba stopped rubbing wheat germ
all over his naked body and gave a thumb's up sign.
    "Ah yes..." Once again the Team Leader pulled at his
tie, bringing himself dangerously close to asphyxiation.
"So, until a time in which the good Professor might
accidentally stumble upon the proper formula in his random
and psychotic mixing of chemicals, I'm afraid you will all
just have to do things the old fashioned way. Coercion,
psychological conditioning, blackmail... You know, the
usual. Any questions?"
    A hand rose amongst the audience.
    "Yes?"
    "Why do we have to make everything all warm and fuzzy
again?"
    "Oh... Lots of reasons." Awayaku looked down at his
watch. "Would you look at the time! Excuse me, but I have a
vitally important appointment to keep, um... over there." He
pointed to a corner of the auditorium. "You all run along
and choose your assignments, now. Oh, and good luck!"

***

    "Wai! That was such a fun speech, wasn't it, Reitan-
san?"
    "Meh."
    "Ne ne, wasn't it, Commander Chimply-san?"
    "It was indeed quite inspiring, Risu-chan."
    "Waaaai!"
    Almost everything about Risu-chan exuded cute. She had
a cute little voice, she wore cute little sailor suits, she
put her hair in cute little pigtails, she made cute little
happy faces and cute little "v" signs with her fingers. In
fact, were it not for one or two setbacks, she might have
been unanimously considered the cutest human being in the
entire universe.
    Her setbacks were that she was seven foot nine and at
least five hundred pounds overweight.
    "Wai wai wai wai wai!"
    Risu-chan bounced up and down, causing the hall to
vibrate and the ground to crack beneath her. Commander
Chimply stumbled and fell, while Reitan stopped to wait for
the artificial earthquake to end.
    "Egads!" Commander Chimply regained possession of his
simian body just quickly enough to avoid being crushed under
Risu-Chan's Hello Kitty booties. Leaning against the wall,
the Commander panted like a dog locked in a tanning booth,
his hand firmly glued over his quickly thumping heart. Risu-
chan ended her dangerous superball imitation and giggled at
him.
    "You're so silly, Commander Chimply-san!"
    "Eheh..." Thoughts of his own barely avoided demise
shook the Commander to the very core of his soul. But then
he remembered his inflated sense of invincibility.
    "Ha!" he scoffed. "No danger is too great for the
fearless Commander Chimply! No opponent too fierce! No
adventure too zesty! Ooooh, o/~ Commander Chimply/Ape of the
cosmos!/Bringing justice/wherever he goes!/Enigma to a-fzzzt
eeeeee!/Ee ah eah aaah!/Eeek!/Ee ee... o/~"
    Reitan kneaded the skin around her bloodshot, half-
opened eyes. The Commander Chimply Theme Song was tedious
enough when the Commander's translator was in perfect
working order. In raw Chimpese, it was an endurance test of
an extremely difficult level.
    "o/~ Eeek eeek eeek!/Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!/Eeek... o/~"
    "Wai wai! 'Eeek eeek'! Wai!"
    "o/~ Eeeeeeeeah... o/~"
    It was at times like these that Reitan wished she had
any interests at all. Oh sure, she could occupy the
remaining theme-song time by staring at her shoes for
awhile. But she didn't really enjoy that as much as some
people do.
    "o/~ Aaaah eee-fzzzt yummy grubs-fzzzt eeek eee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! o/~"
    Commander Chimply ended the song with a flourishing
bow. Risu-chan cheered and clapped wildly. Reitan rose her
eyes from her shoe.
    "Well," Reitan said, hoping to catch Risu-Chan's
attention before she became inspired to sing her own theme
song (the lyrics of which consisted mostly of the words
"wai", "Risu-chan", and "kawaii",) "I guess we should choose
our assignments now or something."
    "Oooo." Risu-chan pouted. "But how will we choose
them?"
    "Eeek! Eee eeah eek."
    "Wai! The hat! That's a great idea, Commander Chimply-
san!"
    "Maybe for once, we could study each option and choose
the ones which best suit our individually talents."
    "Hat hat hat! Wai wai wai!"
    "... Or not."
    Captain Chimply posed dramatically, his finger thrust
out towards the upturned top hat that lay on a card table at
the end of the hall, his bright blue cape flapping savagely
in the breeze (or it would have if there were a breeze. As
it was, he had to settle for shaking it around with his
other hand.)
    Reitan walked over to the hat and picked it up. She
stirred around the little slips of paper inside headwear and
brought it over to her two companions.
    "Can I pick first?" Risu-chan asked. "Ne, can I can I
can I?"
    "Yeah, sure, whatever."
    "Waaaai!"
    Risu-chan reached in and grabbed the first thing to
come in contact with her pudgy fingers. Upon pulling it out,
she was momentarily disappointed that it was not, as she
always hoped, a cute little bunny rabbit. But then she read
the writing on the piece of paper and her disappointment was
easily washed away.
    "Wai! I got 'chiKara'! Wai! Your turn, Commander
Chimply-san."
    The Commander's hand plunged in and out of the felt
container of mystery. He shrieked merrily, proudly
displaying a scrap with the words "Kikai-37.9-Q" written in
faded pencil.
    "Guess it's my turn." Reitan chose one of the paper
bits. "I got 'Cruel High School Ikebana'.... Weeee."
    "Wai!" Risu-chan cried. "Luckyyyyyyyy!"

***

    It wasn't a building anymore. Once it had stood
proudly, a sturdy testament to strength and order. But what
now remained of the Tokyo Metropolitan Festival Hall could
not be viewed as a single shape. Perhaps, from far above, a
well-wrought imagination might draw the pieces together.
Delete the spaces and see what remained as merely petals
in one huge, terrible flower. But on the ground, there was
no such illusion. Towering shards of stone and plaster cut
into the sky. Crumbling lords of a domain littered with the
rubble that they continued to birth. With the cracked
plastic, the tiny splinters, the wisps of horsehair. And
bodies. Twisted things of splattered red, with only a stray
tooth or fingernail to mark them as human.
    Two. Two shapes spoiled this vast wasteland, moving
with a consistency that unmasked their claim to life. One, a
man. Dressed impeccably in a three-piece suit. Not a
wrinkle, not a tear. He walked easily amongst the giants and
their children, which almost seemed to part for him. The
second, a woman. Her clothes little more than rags, her skin
covered in a collection of bruises and cuts. She climbed
awkwardly through the terrain, each step an invitation to a
fall. Her eyes never kept to one direction. They were
searching; hunting.
    "Fancy meeting you here."
    Kuroi looked up to find Shiro standing on a fragment
of wall high above her. With only a slight bending of the
knees he hopped from his place and fell to the ground like a
silk handkerchief dropped over a radiator.
    "Well, I didn't want to be rude," she said, "and not
visit my best friend on his big day."
    "'Friend'?" Shiro smirked. "What a bad joke."
    "Oh? Well, if you feel that way..."
    Kuroi's face lowered and darkened. Around her the air
seemed to shimmer and grow thick, as if it were water in a
shallow pool. Bits of debris slowly rose from the ground.
They halted at her shoulders and bobbed for a moment, then
shot towards Shiro. The tiny projectiles were seconds from
his forehead when he grimaced slightly. They stopped. The
grimace grew and gradually, painfully, the debris began to
float away.
    Kuroi's expression changed to mirror Shiro's own and
the debris became perfectly still. Between them, the air had
gone past the water stage and entered into the solid. A
glass wall of pure will. Shiro opened his hand and a scythe
blade burst through. He advanced on Kuroi like a man caught
in a tub of half-hard cement. The ground began to erode
beneath their feet. Their hair and clothes flew back as if
caught in hurricane wind. The floating debris imploded in a
puff of smoke.
    "Noooo!" Risu-chain burst from between two mountains
of rubble and scurried up to the pair. "No no no! You don't
hate each other! You _love_ each other!"
    Neither Kuroi nor Shiro acknowledged the sudden
presence of the woman. At this stage, the merest distraction
would prove fatal.
    "Don't hit each other with flying rocks!" Risu-chan
grabbed each by the neck and began forcing their heads
together. "Kiss and love and kiss!"
    Grimaces turned to looks of shock and horror.
    "No! Wait-"
    "I said '_kiss_'!"
    *Pow*
    Risu-chan looked down at the icky blood and brains
covering her forearms and let go of the two headless
corpses, which sent pebbles skittering away as they hit the
ground.
    "Oopsie."

***

    The stars lay cold and beautiful in the unending
blackness of space. And so too did the Kikai Model One. The
lines of the great robot were straight, forming exact
geometrical shapes that were composed together in perfect
harmony. Light from a nearby sun reflected off its shiny
surface of green and orange, creating a virtual symphony of
brilliance. It was a work of art. A work of death.
    "Killing is so wrong," Birne brushed back the shock of
hair that almost perpetually covered his left eye. "I feel
just... awful about this."
    He pushed a button on his console, sending a rain of
fiery painful death to the planet below.
    "Why must we fight?" asked Apfel from within the shell
of the Kikai Model Three. "Why can humans only find peace
through conflict and suffering?"
    "You wanna get a drink after this?"
    "Yeah, sure."
Another volley of missiles ensured a long lasting nuclear
winter on top of the mass genocide.
    "Eeek!"
    Birne perked his eyebrow and turned his gaze to his
right-side monitor. In the distance, but drifting ever
closer, was what appeared to be a child with abnormally long
arms, wearing a space suit. The space suit came equipped
with a rocket pack, and large speakers mounted on either
shoulder.
    "Eeeah!" said Commander Chimply, his voice clear in
the no-atmosphere-but-still-able-to-carry-sound depths of
space. "Eeek eek ah eeah ee eek aah aah eek eah eek eek eek
eeee! Eek ah eeeeeah eeek ee aaaaaaaah eee! Eah! Eee ah ah
ah ee eeek! Ah eeee ee ee eeee! Eeah eek eeah! Eek eek ah ah
eek? Eeeah eee! Eee eee eee eeek ah eeee eeah!"
    A single tear fell from Birne's visible eye.
    "Your speech... has moved me beyond words."
    "Ah... eek eek." Commander Chimply blushed and rubbed
the back of his head.
    The Kikai Model One's Chest Mounted Gun Turrets and
Arm Holstered Missile Launchers swung to meet the little
ape.
    "Your tragic death will surely cause me to angst for
weeks."
    "Ee-... ah."

***

    Hiretsu Utsukushi tossed back his long golden locks as
he walked confidently through the halls of Ikebana High
School. Behind him, a horde of love-struck young girls
followed his every move. "Potential Victims", as he liked to
call them (or "PV" for short.)
    Upon reaching the door to his homeroom, Hiretsu gave a
little wave to the members of his fan club, who nearly
fainted at such a show of attention. He opened the door and
the room inside grew quiet, silenced by the mere presence of
his stunning beauty and the force of his well-known
reputation.
    Hiretsu ignored the peons and cut straight to his
target. Geseisha practically shook at the sight of him. Her
eyes were wide with fear, hatred, and abject adoration.
Hiretsu wrapped his arms possessively around her and pulled
her to his chest. He smiled down at the terrified girl.
    "Geseisha," he said, "I love-"
    There was a lollypop in front of his nose.
Below the lollypop, was a hand, holding the lollypop. He
plucked the candy from the hand's fingers, and turned to
discover its owner.
    "Why are you giving me this?" he asked.
    "You said 'I love you'," Reitan explained. "So you get
a lollypop."
    "You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, 'I
loved the look on your face as I beat and raped your mother
in front of you'."
    "Oh..." Reitan took the treat back. "Then I guess
that's no lollypop for you."

***

    Team Leader Iwa Awayaku paced back and forth three
times before halting to solemnly scratch his chin.
    "Well troops," he said, "it seems to me that you have
all utterly failed in each of your respective missions."
    Risu-chan, Commander Chimply, and Reitan all bowed
their heads in shame. Bits of charred fur and skin flaked
from the Commander's scalp.
    "On the other hand, I'm drunk off my ass and couldn't
give a fuck. Let's celebrate!"
    "YAY!"
    And so the WAFF Squad turned on the house music and
the strobe lights, and threw angel dust about the air as
they danced and danced their dear little hearts out. They
partied merrily, well into the night, until finally the
drugs wore off and they all fell sleepily snoozily to the
floor.
    God do I hate babies.


TO BE CONTINUED..... (never)


***

Author's Note:

This was originally an entry in Improfanfic�s (www.improfanfic.com)
latest "Starter Sweepstakes" contest. It lost, much like the last
story I submitted to the FFML, Ruxpin: The Metal Idol (although
that one was never really meant to win... and I think it got more
votes.) I�ve decided to make a tradition out of sending all of you
my rejects. No, don�t suffocate me with your gratitude. Really,
you _deserve_ this!


Token E-mail
    dilandau2@hotmail.com

Token Webpage
    www.crosswinds.net/~floot/

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