Subject: [FFML] Re: [LEMON] [EVA] Gone Drinkin'
From: Jonathan Gaters
Date: 8/1/2000, 11:38 PM
To: Alex Gordon <crow_t_robot69@hotmail.com>, FFML <ffml@fanfic.com>

Role-call!

KatarnX2B: Semi-stable, semi-insane, just don't ask him about 
monkeys!

Chibi-Katarn: A perfect clone of Katarn, only 1/2 his size! 
Empowered with spooky powers by a trans-dimentional being!

Little-Jonny: Can you say phalis?! Katarn's sex drive package up in 
a neat little psychotic halusination.

Onna-Katarn: Katarn's lesbian female side!

----

Chibi-K: So, what are we MSTing today?

Katarn: Some Lemon.

Little-J: YAY! ^_^

Onna-K: I hope this isn't a standard no-plot-all-sex-lemon Lemon.

Katarn: We'll see. -_-

----

This is my first post on the ffml. Any C&C will be appreciated. I also don't
mind if people do MSTs of my work.

Katarn: We combine both! We'll make fun of every other point in your fic
AND we'll point out as many mistakes as we can see!

http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/stories/index.html

Chibi-K: An Eva fic stored on angelfire? Onna-K?

Onna-K: o/ Isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think? o/


beginning might not be that good since this is the first fic I ever wrote.

Katarn: We'll muster through it, somehow.

Chibi-K: Probably by ruthlessly slaughtering you work! ^_^

        [ Insert favorite over 18 warning here ]

Chibi-K: Well then, I guess we shouldn't read this.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

she was drunk, very drunk. She wasn�t just drunk though she was horny, but

Katarn: "She wasn't just drunk, she was horny".

Little-J: Damn, it's already turning into one of -those- fics. �_�

Chibi-K: I thought you liked sex?

Little-J: I -do-! It's just that if the story just rhows two characters
at each other, then I can't enjoy it enough to enjoy it! I need plot god
damnit!

        Misato then went into Shinji�s room.

Onna-K: Be more discriptive. Try something like "Misato stumbled
gracelessly into Shinji's room". It helps get the imagination of the
read going, so that they don't remember reading the words, they remember
seeing the story portrayed before their eyes.

        Misato then removed her shirt and bra and pounced onto Shinji.

Katarn: You really skipped all the dialouge, didn't you?

away suddenly and moved herself down Shinji�s body. She began to unbuckle
Shinji�s pants.

Little-J: My GOD! Shinji's entirely OOC! He didn't struggle in the
least! Look what happened in the series when Misato made a pass at him!
(I'm talking about the latter episodes too.)

Shinji: Uhh, Misato�

Chibi-K: More likely would be "Misato-san! STOP IT! GET OFF ME!". Shinji
is really sensitive about people touching his hand, let alone his
crotch.

Misato: ( drunken slur ) stop resistin� Kaji�

Onna-K: Even drunk, Misato should recognize the difference between
Shinji and Kaji. Namely size, experince, and size again. ^_-

        Misato then pulled the front of Shinji�s boxers and, much to 

Katarn: "Misato pulled the front of Shinji's boxers down".

Misato
then moved herself closer to Shinji�s erect cock and began to lick at the

Katarn: "Misato moved herself". You should really only use 'then' once
in a paragraph.

head. She then placed 

Chibi-K: "She placed".

her head. Shinji started to moan loudly, apparently deciding to stop
resisting. 

Onna-K: It just doesn't read right. Try changing either resisting or
deciding, they have an iambic pentameter that throws off the rest of the
paragraph.

Chibi-K: In other words, "Don't make them rhyme".

Katarn: Try "apparently no longer resisting".

Misato then took 

Little-J: Again with the then! Stop using that word! Get a thesaurus!

Misato then licked the shaft up and down as her head

Katarn: "Misato licked" and "up and down, as her head".

bobbed. Then taking

Katarn: ARGH! "Then, taking".

Onna-K: Hey Chibi, got a lock on this guy's address yet?

Chibi-K: Nope, don't worry, I'll get and we can go bash his head in!

over the head. 

Chibi-K: Shinji is a 'he', not an 'it'. "Over his head".

Shinji couldn�t take it anymore
and moaned loudly that he was going to cum. 

Onna-K: "Shinji couldn't take anymore, moaning loudly".

        Shinji not even saying anything began licking up and down her wet 
Katarn: "Shinji, not even saying a word, began licking along her wet".

Chibi-K: Why don't we just re-write this thing for him?

Katarn: Because it'd be too hard to get a plot in this thing. �_�

Misato moaned loudly and pushed Shinji�s head further into her crotch
grinding her pussy against his face.

Onna-K: You just switched tense. You can re-structure this sentence to
be entirely in past-tense, though with script format I recomend using
present-tense.

Shinji then thrust his tongue in and

Katarn: AGAIN WITH FRIGGIN' THEN! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

Onna-K: Calm down Jonathan!

Katarn: NO! CHIBI-K! Hunt him down like the dog he is and kill him!

Chibi-K: Hai Hai!

        Shinji just played along 

Katarn: I don't know what kind of person Shinji is, but throughout the
series, he wouldn't have 'just played along'. He would buckle, but if it
came to something he really didn't want to do (take advantage of
someone, or be used), he wouldn't do it, no matter the concequences
(Unit-03 incident comes to mind).

Misato then began

Katarn: Grrrrr... I'm gonna enjoy seeing him burn!

going in time 

Little-J: I'm -sure- you could come up with a better word to discribe
the movement than "going", and if you can't, I'll be happy to intoduce
you to the pleasures of being beaten to death with a baseball bat.

Since they had both already come it didn�t take long until they were both > near climax. 

Katarn: Actually, after you have an orgasm, it de-sensitizes the nerve
endings in or on you sex organ, making it harder to climax a second
time.

Shinji�s cock as honey flowed 

Onna-K: "Shinji's cock, as honey flowed".

Misato then laid down

Katarn: Grrrrrr. >_<

Shinji: Well I guess life won�t be as boring around here.

Little-J: This coming from a kid who wants nothing but life to -be-
boring, and who does battle with invading aliens that hope to end the
entire human race's life in a giant bio-mech on a semi-regular basis? I
don't think so.

Note: I hoped you enjoyed it. I can be reached at either

Katarn: Well, time for final comments.

Onna-K: [Characterization] It was your standard newbie Eva Lemon. It had
next to no plot, OOC in extreme proportions, and seemed to be written
with one hand. Overall, not really worth the ASCII it's written on.

Little-J: [Romance/Sex] I tend to agree, with Onna-K, it had very little
of everything that makes a fic good, and plenty of everything that makes
a fic bad. The sex scene had nothing special about it, seemingly taken
from  by , as did the plot.

Chibi-K: [Plot] Plot? What plot? Did you see a plot? <holds magnifying
glass to fic> OH!! God, that's small. Overall, what little plot there
was turned out to be a poorly written version of .

Katarn: [Overall] If most of the fic (read all but the basic premise) is
scrapped, and re-written with more of a plot, it might work. As it
stands, it's a standard Lemon (read substandard fic).


-- KatarnX2B: http://members.xoom.com/katarnx2b/ "My name is Jonathan Gaters. I have black hair, brown skin and eyes, a big nose, dred locks, big feet and hands, an intense hatred for my family, enough intelligence and just enough sanity to hide how extremely disturbed I am from everyone else, an extremely curious nature, and a polite ficade. It's all subject to change." _______________________________________________ Why pay for something you could get for free? NetZero provides FREE Internet Access and Email http://www.netzero.net/download/index.html
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