Subject: [FFML] Re: [fusion][R1/2/Avengers] Avenging Chapter 5 [NEW]
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
Date: 7/3/2000, 12:55 AM
To: "Gary Kleppe" <kleppe@mediaone.net>
CC: <ffml@fanfic.com>

Gary Kleppe:

This is kinda late, but better that than never. :)

For me, there is no such thing as C+C that's 'too late.' No matter when I
get it I always regard it as useful and appreciate it. Besides, this reply
is kind of late since I've been on vacation.


I only skimmed over the other C&C on this, so I'll probably end up doing a
lot
of duplication.

No prob.


"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

Thor and Raiden Present:
Lessons on Why It's Bad to Play With Electricity

Theme music by REO Speedwagon: "Raiden the Storm Out"

Heh


An Ranma 1/2/Avengers (the superhero group) fusion

DIANA RIGG: Oh, the superhero group. Darn. I thought for a moment that....

I know someone that was planning to do a Ranma 1/2 British Avengers fusion,
so don't laugh too hard. It would have been a parody, but it sounded like
it could have worked.


Should be 'A' rather than 'An'; 'Ranma' doesn't start with a vowel sound.

Oops. It was originally 'an Avengers/Ranma fusion' until I realized that
this is an anime mailing list and the anime should always get top billing.
Forgot to change one little thing though and look what happens.


Standard Disclaimer: Hell, no. I don't own any of the characters. Marvel
and whomever Takahashi sold the rights to do.

TAKAHASHI: Could I have them back? I'll pay you back the money you gave
me....

SHOGAKUKAN: No way!

Heh, though I doubt if she cares much since she's gone on to do other
things.


The blue carona of energy around Raiden faded as he drew nearer to his

corona

I think everyone got that one but me. :(


Asgardian opponent. Instead, the glow of force moved from his body and

"Instead" doesn't seem like the right connector here, unless you add
something
like "Rather than simply vanishing"....

Okay.


gathered around his hands while more electricity flowed from his eyes, a
sign of his anger and his inability to fully control that emotion. "I
warned you never to set foot upon this island again, yet you have
brazenly
disregarded my warning, all but begging me to come. Well you have

THORKANE: Weren't you already on this island?

RAIDEN: Well, yes.

Actually he floats above it in his castle in the sky. Hmm. Sounds like a
Lupin adventure somewhere in there.


THORKANE: Then how can you come if you're already here?

RAIDEN: If this were a lemon, I could show you exactly how I can come even
when I'm already here.


RAIDEN: Shut UP!

Thor recoiled at that memory. Not the specifics --thankfully those
seemed
to have been lost-- but there was one disturbing fact that was
inescapable:
Kitsune had most definitely been female. Very foxlike, but also
definitively female.

That's what you think. It was actually Shippo from InuYasha.

Tried reading that but couldn't get into it myself.  I take it he looks
like a fox?


SHIPPO: Ha ha! Fooled you!

"But I'm not a pervert!" Thor shouted to herself.

RANMA: So you fancy guys, then? Like me?

THORKANE: No way! I told you, I'm not a pervert!

RANMA: But you said that fancying females would make you a pervert.

THORKANE: Um... I'm opposed to *any* kind of fancying.

Hehehehe. Nice.


The next exchange the two deities of thunder shared was one of blows
rather
than words. Raiden connected with a fist to Thor's gut first, moving far
more quickly than the larger Goddess of Thunder. A gasp of breath
escaped
Thor's lips from the force of the blow, but it was far from enough to
prevent the retaliatory punch from her as she successfully landed a blow
in
Raiden's upper chest. The Japanese God of Thunder was sent back several
feet from the force of the impact.

You've used the word "Blow" three times in this paragraph. Okay, these
gods have
the ability to summon winds, but still....

will change.


struck, caused Thor to recoil back. Raiden was quick to follow up with a
more powerful flying leap kick that centered again on Thor's chest. This
time Thor was propelled through the air and across the street,
completely
destroying the door of the car that arrested her flight.

Ah, must've been a police car.

*Sigh* I should have seen that one coming. Nice to see you haven't lost
your touch.


An uru mallet flew forth from the wreckage of the car, sailing through
the
air leaving a trail of energy as its head glowed a dull orange full of
power.

At first this parsed as "glowed a (dull orange full of power)" and I
wondered
what the heck that meant.

GOSUNKUGI: At last I've obtained the dull orange! Now to peel it and
release its
power!

Suggest rewording this somehow. Maybe 'sailing through the air, a backwash
of
energy trailing from its orange-glowing head.' Er... or something. :)

Hmm. hadn't realized that sounded vague. Will try to come up with something
then.


Raiden appeared less self-assured as he pried himself from the wreckage
of
the store. He had forgotten how powerful Mjournir could be. But he was
not

Mjolnir

And this was the other. You think I'd have been bright enough to look
through a previous chapter to catch that spelling.


without weapons of his own. Summoning the power of the storms, and
turning
the current rain into a true tempest,

So the rain is increasing in intensity? Some further description to make
this
point would be nice.

The rain increased a five fold, becoming such a torrential downpour that
Raiden almost seemed to disappear behind the falling sheets of water. Only
the azure glow that still eminated from his eyes was bright enough to cut
through the rain to show that he was still there.

How's that? Came up with it on the spur of the moment.


Cloaked in shadows nearby, Xellos found himself agreeing with the
Goddess
of Thunder. It had been his dearest hope that Raiden, whom he had warned
of
Thor's presence through an anonymous document delivered to his castle in
the realm above, would prove more than sufficient to finish off Thor.
After
all, was not the Japanese god fighting within the lands where he had
been
worshiped? Surely upon his native soil he would be at his most powerful
and

worshipped, I think.

yes. I think you're right.


The diversion distracted Thor and allowed Raiden a chance to recover.
Seeing the opportunity before him, Raiden shifted the godly energy
within
his body, causing a blue aura to form around him once again. Mentally
forcing the energy from him, Raiden shot forward and into the air,
defying
gravity as his body flew parallel with the ground like a living shaft of
lightening,

lightning. (Lightening is the process of becoming lighter.)

Yep. I think everyone caught that one but me again.


Doesn't Raiden have any scruples about winning through what's obviously
someone's trickery rather than his own prowess? Not too proud, is he.

Truthfully he was too much into the fight to give it a thought, especially
since he was put on the defensive. More a case of reacting to a sudden
advantage than thinking about it.


attacked that gaijin goddess over there. Considering she was fighting
those
bad guys earlier, I'm going to assume she's on my side and you're not,
even
if she is fighting Raiden. So that means you're going to put your hands
up
or the next arrow goes someplace less pleasant than the street."

"The enemy of my enemy's enemy is my enemy" strikes me as kind of a dumb
attitude.

Do keep in mind that these are still basically Ranma 1/2 characters. Logic
might rate higher than usual here, but not by much. And remember that
Hawkeye did have a brief conversation with Thor before the fight, and it
was obvious she was a good guy.

She might be more likely to see this guy casting nasty spells and
demand that he explain what the heck he's doing.

Hmm. Will consider.


Reflexively Hawkeye looked down at her arrow only to see that the man
had
spoken the truth. Somehow her shaft had turned into a green serpent that
was even now going from a long, rigid line to a loose wiry thing that
attempted to coil itself around her arm. Hawkeye screamed in surprise
and
tried to throw the creature away, but was too late as it wrapped around
her
arm and began to slither its way up the appendage. Hawkeye fell to the
ground in a desperate effort to pry the creature off her and cast it
away.

This description is too blase for the scene. We're told that she's
screaming
desperately, but the tone and style of the paragraph don't convey that at
all.

Will try to spice it up then.



The high pitched cry of Xellos' melodious incantation filled the air as
he
cried out, "I summon the most powerful of Trolls, he who was once the
bane

VOICE FROM PORTAL: This is Gubby-chan. Sorry I'm not in right now, but if
you'd
like to leave a message....

XELLOKI: Darn it!

Urk. Wrong troll.

I see you picked up on who Xellos really is quickly. Thought it was rather
obvious myself.



"Ulik was busy, so he asked me to fill in for him." The troll beat his
fist
proudly against his chest. "My name is Ulos, The Pretty Damn Powerful.
I'm
Ulik's little brother."

Actually, I seem to remember that Ulik actually *did* have a brother, who
fought
against Adam Warlock in one issue. Can't remember what his name was,
though.

Wow. I'm impressed. As vast as my knowledge of the Marvel Universe is, I
did not know that one. Didn't really follow much of Warlock's ressurection
beyond the first several issues of the Infinity Watch.


In response, Ulos pulled out a set of huge metal knuckles from a pocket
on
his vest. He put them on, then beat them together, producing a shower of
sparks and a resounding ring that was loud enough to be heard over the
peals of thunder. "Would you like them dismembered, pulverized, or torn
in
half?"

"Your choice." Xellos indicated the redhead before them.

ULOS: Huh? All I see is this chick here.

XELLOKI: That's who I mean. Sorry, only gods can notice the hair color.
It's an
anime thing.

Hmm. It does sound a bit odd that way. how about, 'Xellos pointed at the
redhead before them to make sure the troll knew who he wanted dead first.



too terrified at his fearsome presence to move. So slow was both he and
the
blow that Bucky was able to throw a punch of her own first, connected

Um... that's confusing. Suggest just 'So slow was his blow that....'

Gotcha



Raiden rained a blinding series of blows upon Thor. From the moment he
had
connected with his human missile attack, he finally possessed the
advantage
in the fight. The sheer number of his blows were wearing her down, and
Thor
found the pain starting to effect her. Truly this fight with a fellow
god

affect

Ohh. I hate it when I mess that one up.


But not at this moment. This was what life was meant to be like. The
smell
of sweat and blood as the rain poured down and the heavens roared. This
was
a battlefield, and to the winner would go a richly deserved victory
against
a worthy foe. It was something Thor desperately wanted to achieve.

That last line sounds oddly... um, minimal. Like it's not saying anything
that's
not obvious already.

Will try modifying it in some way.


"You're a woman!" Raiden gasped as the staff's course was arrested
directly
above Thor's prone form.

Whereas Raiden might have been surprised by Thor's current gender, the

Um... haven't we already established that he *was* in fact surprised by
it?

Oops. Yeah. I guess we did.



was barely able to contain his mirth as he said, "This new form of yours
is
disgustingly appropriate, oh Goddess of Thunder.

AKANE: Thank you... I think.

Heh.


I now give you permission
to operate in my lands at your leisure. I will raise no hand against or
to
assist you, so do not request help from me. You shall meet only
silence."

Suggest 'I will raise my hand neither to oppose nor assist you,' (to make
the
symmetry work)

Ah. Much better.


A haze of red cast over Xellos' vision as he watched Raiden fly up to
the
clouds on his pole of lightning. How dare that arrogant Japanese god
refuse
to be manipulated by him into killing Thor! That arrogant popinjay was
going to ruin everything. It had taken Xellos nearly three weeks after
learning of Thor's predicament before he was able to come up with a plan
to
eliminate the god-become-goddess without his hand showing in the
machinations. Recovering the Masques of Hagalla had taken nearly two
months
on their own, and now it was all about to come to an end with that
damnable
Thor coming out of it none the worse for wear.

The Masques of Hagalla? Whutthaheck's that, and what's it have to do with
anything here?

They were the magical masks that the Xello gave the Mask Gang last chapter
(which was about 8 months ago from when it was orginally released). Another
reason I posted the revision of chapter 4 before was so that people would
remember what was going on where we left off. That much time passes it's a
bit hard to remember exactly what was going on.



"Please call me Xellos for now," he quickly interrupted. "I wouldn't
want
it to get out who I really am, and you never know who might be
listening.
Some that know me in this form might not take kindly to my real
identity."

XELLOKI: And please tell the C&Cer to stop referring to me as "Xelloki" in
these
silly bits. I am most decidedly not a cabbit.

GARY: Sorry.

XELLY: Thank you.

Hehehehe.


the five members of the Mask Gang. All of them appeared unharmed, save
for
a little singeing on the gang. Bucky considered  them lucky for getting
off
                                                ^^
And another.

I hate it when those things sneak in.


RANMA: On the gang? What part of the body is that?

NABSY: I think he means that the gang members were singed.

RANMA: Singed members? Ouch! That's gotta hurt!

NABSY: *sigh*

My response as well. :)


"WAKE UP DAMNIT!"  Bucky shouted as she shook Nabiki like a rag doll,
but

UP,

Also, it's usually written as either DAMN IT or DAMMIT.

Will use the second.


"Some debris falling over," Bucky said quickly as she grabbed the ten
yen
piece before  Nabiki spotted it. The redhead might not have been the
cheapskate her father was, but she was not the sort to give money away
without good cause.

NABBY: I ain't no ten yen ho', ya know.

heh. The coin was a thinly veiled reference to DF Roeder's 'Ten Yen' piece
story he did a while back.


Bucky flinched. There was something about the way the archer said that
that
itched the back of her mind. She looked the superheroes over more
closely.

itched at the back of

(Contrary to what David said, "Itched" *is* a verb.

He actually sent me a correction on that as well after the first message,
just so you don't come down on him too hard. :)

 As in "Those mosquito bites
I had last week really itched." It does not, however, take
an object.)

True. I think I'll be rewriting it as '...said that that scratched at a
memory somewhere in the back of her mind.'



"Hawkeye," Bucky said slowly. No way! It couldn't be him. That was too
much
to believe. It had to be a coincidence.

RANMA: You mean you're that wacky doctor from the Korean war who....

UKEYE: NO!

WAHAHAHA! That's the best yet.


archer. "Thou should keep thy tempestuous ways to thyself, harlot."

Does Akane know that this is Ranma? I can't remember.

Nope. Ranma has managed to keep knowledge of his curse from everyone but
his father so far.


The wheels of Nabiki's mind began turning as she went to find her sister
and boy who would never be her fianc�,

Period. And you probably shouldn't use Unicode characters, as not every
platform
reads them; just use 'fiance.'

Actually MS spellcheck throws them in when it 'corrects' them. So far no
one has complained about them, but if there are problems, I'll drop the
accents in the future.


*I agree wholeheartedly.* Genma-panda signed.

wholeheartedly,* (he's signing the words, not just signing)

right


day. It would be good for the two of them to reunite and make many more
memorable events between them. Thor was always good for a round of heavy
drinking and the occasional wenching. Sometimes a friendly fight or two.
He
wasn't as good as the man was at it, but then no one was. It would be
good
to hang out with a fellow immortal once again. Yes. Thor would be in his
near future very soon.

I agree with David that you're overusing "the man."

Will adjust then


priorities, after all. But soon he would head out for that little island
in
the Pacific.

Very soon.

HERC: Yep, the Herc is BACK! And I even have a beard in this one like I
should.
Zeus only knows how that long-haired, clean-shaven guy managed to get cast
as
me. Oh, I tell ya....

Actually Herc has been clean shaven in the Marvel universe at least twice
for extended periods of time. In both case it was in the Avengers and in
both instances he became a more serious character than the usual jovial
bearded fellow in the pages of Thor. The first time during the 40-50 ish
run. It didn't really work and he was quickly dropped. Later during the
start of the 340's through past the Proctor Saga that Harras and Palmer
wrote (I think) it worked very, very well.



Xellos burst out laughing again.

"What's so funny?" the short red-haired girl that was standing a few
feet
away asked.

LINA: Which incredibly over-used stock tagline are we going to use in this
scene, Xel?

XELLY: That is a... ahhhhh, you know.

Actually, Gary, he does use the line with painful frequency in the series.
I'd have Dragon-Slaved him a long time ago for it if I had been Lina. :)

Thanks for all of the help. It's greatly appreciated and you've given me a
lot of work to do.

D.B. Sommer






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