Boy, I'm starting to feel like a productive member of the list rather
than the typical lurker ^_^
On 29 Jun 00, at 20:00, C. Richard Davies wrote:
Reflexively, Max stole a glimpse at the empty shaft beside his
station. Reminders of the loss of certain ciphers peculiar to Bodolza's
central command unit in the destruction of the Bodol Fleet had been known
to irritate Exedor, but since he was on a "much-deserved" vacation at the
moment, it probably couldn't hurt.
The thought of Exedore sitting on a beach somewhere under a humongous
umbrella sipping something out of a coconut flashes through my head
every time I read that.....
Then I have this image of him in that scene wearing a bathing
suit..... *gah*
<snip>
"Let's hear it," he replied quickly, almost snapping in his sudden
tension.
Odd phrasing there - not too sure what you really meant to say. You
might want to word it differently.
"--peat, this vessel is non-belligerent. We will not engage unless
engaged." A breath. "This is the United Nations Government vessel
Megaload-Zero-One, Captain Misa Ichijyo commanding. We are
non-belligerent. Repeat, this vessel is non-belligerent. We will not
engage unless engaged."
Again, some odd phrasing. "We will not engage unless engaged" sounds
*very* odd. I know what she means. and you might have a reason for
her saying things just that way (for plot reasons), but - to me - it
still sounds strange.
It was her.
A hundred memories flooded Max's mind in the moment that he
realized it, from the first time he'd overheard Hikaru arguing with her
over the tactical net to the last recorded communication he'd ever
received from either of them. In all that time, her voice hadn't changed
that much: calm, almost fanatically controlled, with sharp edges just
barely hidden and --
Abruptly, he realized that something was terribly wrong.
I think I know what was "wrong" here (judging by what Misa was
saying, at least), but you may want to explain it a bit more.
<snip>
Subdued, Miho examined her board -- and Max saw her tense. "Captain
... if these readings are right, that signal originated from more than a
hundred thousand light years distance."
Max nodded sagely. "Plot a course, Mister Data. Warp nine."
Sally and Miho exhanged looks. "I think the Star Trek reference in
the first chapter finally got to him."
<snip>
He absorbed that, sinking back into the cushions of his seat. "Two
mysteries. Already, two mysteries."
"Two, sir?" Sally asked.
"How did the Megaload get that far out into space? And why," he
asked quietly, "does her commanding officer sound like a woman in her
early thirties ... when she should be over fifty years old?"
Not that I'm really all that knowledgeable in the matter, but do
people *really* sound all that different between 30 and 50 years old?
Just going by my family members (whom I've known the longest),
there's not really that much change at all.
If this is an important plot point (and I think it is), then you may
want to try something different to convey the idea - perhaps a badly
broken-up visual to go along with the audio. Enough for Max and
company to get an idea of what Misa looks like - seemingly changed
very little from the last time Max saw her. Which might lead to this
as the final paragraph :
"How did the Megaload get that far out into space? And why," he asked
quietly, "does her commanding officer look like a woman in her
early thirties ... when she should be over fifty years old?"
Other than those minor nits, this is an excellent story so far. I
just wish the chapters were a bit longer - but that's because it's so
good. ^_^
Keep it up!
Derek