Carrot Glace's Shorts collection!!
A collection of my spamfics. Mostly Ranma 1/2 with A DBZ thrown in for
good measure...
I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for some spamfics. Mmmm,
spamfics...
This is my first Spamfic. I just had to write this down....
About Nose bleeds and such...
Ranma and Ryoga sit together by a tree after a particularly eventful day
involving Happosai, a girl's locker room, a half-dressed Akane, and
P-chan.
Ran: Jeez again? You got some kind of condition or something?
Ryo: [holding his head back and pinching his nose.] Shut up! This is all
your fault ya know!
Ran: It is not! Here, it's great for nosebleeds. God that's disgusting,
how can you squirt so far? [Ranma hands Ryoga a small white object. Ryoga
accepts it and stuffs it up his nose.]
Ryo: Thanks. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't...
Ran: You ungrateful jerk! If you hadn't passed out at the slightest hint
of flesh we wouldn't be all beat up!
Ryo: You mean -you- wouldn't be all beat up Ranma.
Ran: Aw, stuff it. But really, you get nosebleeds way too easy. Maybe you
should go see Dr. Tofu or somethin.
Ryo: Will you lay off already. I already went to the doctor about this
it's nothing OK?! I'm just sensitive.
Ran: All right jeez bite my head off why don't ya?
[The pair sits in the shade for a moment quietly.]
Ryo: Hey Ranma, Why do I feel like running on the beach?
Ran: Huh? Oh that...its nothing...
Ryo: No dammit! You know why! Tell me why I just got an urge to go
horseback riding?!
Ran: You don't want to know.
[Ryoga looks strangely and pulls the 'tissue' from his nose.]
Ryo: What the hell is this?!
Ran: Nothing.
Ryo: Damn it Ranma!
Ran: OK, OK! Jeez It's a .......[Mutters something intelligible.]
Ryo: What?
Ran: It's a tampon OK!?
Ryoga looks at him dumbly and then at the object in his hand.
Ryo: AAAAAGGHHH! [Drops the Tampon and scurries away from it.]
Ran: Oh, you baby, It's not like it was used.
Ryo: Why do you have one of those?!!
[Ranma just gives Ryoga a look.]
Ryo: That is disgusting!
Ran: Why do you think it's called a curse Ryoga? Do I really have to
explain this to you?
Ryo: NO!!! I don't ever want to hear about this! I'm sorry I know now!
Ran: Whatever. This from a guy who sleeps in a girls bed.
Ryo: This is completely different Ranma. That shouldn't happen to a boy!!
Ran: You're tellin me?
Ryo: Ranma I'm leaving now. We never had this conversation OK?
Ran: Yeah sure, see ya around.
[Ryoga walks off leaving Ranma by the tree. After a moment Ranma wanders
off as well.]
Ran: I hope she isn't still mad at me....
Da end.
That was just sick. But I enjoyed doing it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Who's dream is it anyway?
[Inspired by the fic 'Whose dream is it?' I lost the original so I don't
know who wrote it or I'd give them credit. It involves Kasumi from
pokemon dreaming about living life as Kasumi... or also the other way
around. The point is we aren't sure which world is the real one.]
A spamfic, by Carrotglace.
Kasumi walked along the road with Satoshi and Takeshi at her side. "Are
we there yet?" she whined pathetically.
Takeshi looked back at her and growled under his breath, he was holding
his arm up and moving it from side to side with his hand balled up in a
loose fist. "Now keep quiet back there."
Satoshi looked at him pathetically. "But I have to go to the bathroom!"
"Do I have to turn this..." started Takeshi, but he was interrupted by a
strange voice with a British accent.
"Now you have to travel as a group of over excited dogs, with Kasumi
playing the roll of alley cat."
Both of the boys looked at her and Kasumi screeched excitedly as she
bolted down the road yowling loudly. Takeshi and Satoshi gave chase
stopping occasionally to sniff each other's butts or any other large
object that happened to cross their path. Ash lifted his leg against a
tree, while Takeshi ran around in circles with his tongue hanging out of
his mouth.
That evening Kasumi lay down under the stars and sighed heavily. "That
was a pretty exhausting day. G'night Satoshi, g'night Takeshi."
Kasumi Tendo smiled as she stood on the front porch with her broom
sweeping cheerfully. On the side of the house Ranma and Genma fought in
their morning sparing match while Akane watched from the table. She waved
politely as one of the neighbors walked by in a morning jog.
A large gaijin wearing thick rimmed glasses satting behind a desk
suddenly appeared in the yard holding a stack of index cards. "Okay,
Kasumi, you are now the barbarian defender of the house. Ranma and Genma,
are both drunk, and Akane is Mother Superior, and this is her convent.
She sees the rest of you as unruly nuns in her order."
Kasumi blinked and looked at him oddly for a moment. "Oh my." She
shrugged her shoulders and took the broom up in her hands wielding it
like a broad sword. She grunted and charged Genma and Ranma.
The two men fell over on top of each other and struggled back to their
feet. "H-hey popsss, whozat?" slurred Ranma with a strange smile on his
face.
"I donno, less ask 'em," replied Genma as he leaned on his son.
"Hey who the he-" Ranma was cut off as Kasumi's broom hit him on his
head.
The girl gave a satisfied grunt as he fell to the ground. Genma looked at
her and blinked as he staggered to keep his balance. "Hey, you can't do-"
another swipe from the broom of death cut him off.
Akane appeared behind Kasumi and grabbed her by the ear. "What have I
told you about smiting the other sisters?" She brought the older girl
over to the table and pointed at the tabletop.
Kasumi hung her head shamefully and sighed. "Me sorry," she obediently
placed her hands across the surface as Akane produced a ruler.
"Remember that God loves you sister Kasumi," she said as she raised the
ruler over her head in preparation to strike.
The man stopped laughing and spoke to them again at this point. "Akane,
you are an exotic dancer, and Kasumi is your best customer. Since Ranma
and Genma are knocked out, Soun Tendo will be playing the roll of
homosexual bartender who is giving running commentary."
"Excuse me?" said the man as he emerged from the back of the house with a
shocked expression on his face as his youngest daughter began to slowly
remove her clothes to a leering and crudely shouting Kasumi.
Well, that's enough of that...
A really strange idea came to me today...
Soun Tendo sat with his daughters at the table.
"What?" said Nabiki coolly as she glared at her father.
"Oh my, I hope he's older," commented Kasumi in a worried tone.
"Interesting," said Akane raising her eyebrows slightly.
Soun looked at her uncomfortably and continued. "He's the son of a very
good friend of mine, if one of you girls were to marry him then the Tendo
family legacy would be secure."
"Don't worry about that daddy! I've already got it covered," said Akane
calmly.
"Ahem, yes. Well, the agreement has already been made Akane..." said the
man deliberately saying her name.
She looked at him for a moment and raised her eyebrow slightly. "Er,
Akane-chan." The girl relaxed as did her family after he corrected
himself.
"Oh well, we'll see when he gets here," said the girl lazily, her watch
beeped and she looked at it quizzically. "How strange."
A commotion started in the hallway and the Tendos all stood up looking
expectantly towards the doorway. "Saotome my old friend, I've been
waiting!" cried Soun cheerfully as he rushed to meet his friend followed
by his daughters.
A few moments later Soun, Nabiki, and Kasumi rushed by the youngest girl
and she merely turned and looked at the visitors. A large panda carrying
a young girl over his shoulder; a girl that looked to be around twelve
years old met them. "Hi, nice to meet you! You can call me Akane-chan!"
she greeted cheerily.
The animal and the girl stopped and looked at her in confusion for a
moment before walking with her towards the living room.
"You must be daddy's friends!" she said as he put the girl down in front
of the family. The Tendo patriarch shook his head violently from side to
side, he looked closer at the girl and frowned.
"You wouldn't be..."
"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this," replied the girl sheepishly.
Nabiki leaned in and smiled broadly. "Ooh! He is cute!" Akane frowned at
this and looked the girl up and down, "Are you idiots blind?" she thought
to herself. Still, something was definitely wrong with this girl with the
readings she had gotten from her. The animal was the same way.
Nabiki felt the girl up and frowned at her father. "Ranma's not a boy!
She's a girl!"
The elder Tendo almost passed out, until he remembered what happened the
last time he had done so in Akane's presence. He quickly recovered and
stared down at the girl. "Where is Saotome?"
He's around," muttered the girl as she looked away in embarrassment.
"So, you're name is Ranma? Tell me what's wrong with you," said Akane as
she poked at the girl with some sort of strange device.
"Nothin!" said the girl defensively as she backed behind the panda.
"Suit yourself," replied the dark haired girl with a shrug as she turned
away.
A few minutes later Ranma found herself pushed into the bathroom by the
eldest girl. She gave the door a sour look as she turned towards the furo
and began to disrobe. "What is with this family anyway?"
After a quick scrubbing she lowered herself into the furo and felt the
change overtake her. Now a boy again Ranma started to relax a bit more.
"What do I do now? Should I go back out like I am?" he shifted around and
thought to himself lazily. "Wow, this bathroom sure is big," he noted the
pool like hot water furo that almost reminded him of a spring, large
plants adorned the walls and sides of the extremely large room. He stood
from the water and started to step out when the door flew open revealing
a naked and surprised Akane.
Ranma froze in terror as the girl looked him up and down before getting a
strange looking grin on her face.
"Well, this is certainly interesting," she commented before calmly
turning around and walking out the door. Akane dumped an armload of
strange looking tools, many with sharp edges on them, from under her
towel as she walked out of the changing room with her dogi on. "And here
I was hoping to get some..." she was cut off as Kasumi walked up to her.
"Is something wrong Akane? I thought you were going to take a bath with
Ranma?" said the girl sweetly as a large amount of sweat formed on her
head.
"Don't worry about it, I'll do it later," she replied before walking
away.
Secretly Kasumi was relieved, the last thing Ranma needed in a new place
was the things Akane was obviously planning on doing to her in there.
Quickly she removed the tools and placed them in a small bin by the door
before walking away quietly.
The Tendo girls sat around the table watching the two strange men
sitting in front of them. "So, Akane...you'll accept the engagement?"
said the other three Tendos in shock.
"But...she's so...young," said Genma in a worried tone.
"Hey! I'm sixteen years old!" cried the girl angrily. Ranma and Genma's
jaws dropped like they had led weights in them.
"Akane's just...a late bloomer," said Kasumi nervously as she set a
small meal down on the table. It was blue star shaped crusts with what
looked like small hairs growing out from them.
"Tendo, what is this stuff?" asked Genma nervously.
Kasumi overheard the conversation and smiled. "Plutarian Snail paste,
it's quite good. Akane showed me how to make it!"
Ranma glanced around the home nervously and noticed a few things that
were unusual. Namely most any electric appliance had some sort of strange
add on or home built look to it.
"Gee Ranma, I'm so excited about this!" cried Akane cheerfully. "I need
a
guine...err Fianc�e."
The boy shrunk back nervously and hid behind his father. "So tell me
Saotome, how did this curse befall you?" asked Soun in an attempt to
change the conversation.
"Oh, perhaps I should start with this!" he tossed his son over his
shoulder and frowned when a young girl came up from the waters of the Koi
in the back yard.
"Perhaps she shouldn't..." started Kasumi when a huge fish head jumped
out and snapped at the young girl. She got away barely in time and huffed
as she stared at the pool in terror.
"Oh don't worry about it, they would have spit her out anyway," said
Akane cheerfully as she waved her hand. The head came up and hacked up a
Bokuten causing everyone to turn away and pretend nothing had happened.
"So, hot water turns you back into a man?" asked Soun once again trying
to change the subject.
"Yes, that's right," said Genma nervously.
"Why didn't you just tell me you where cursed? I can take care of that!"
cried Akane triumphantly.
Ranma looked up at her in shock. "Really?"
"Sure, I've just got to do a few test first and I'm sure I can cure you,
well reasonably sure anyway," she flexed her arm and smiled at the two
men who simply gaped in shock. "After all, I am the greatest scientific
genius in the universe!"
Two small Akane puppets appeared on her shoulders cheering for her.
"Akane you're the greatest!" cried one of them.
"Akane you're the best!" agreed the other one.
"Akane, Akane, Akane! Hooraayyy!!" chimed the two in perfect unison.
Ranma stared at the scene in stunned and perverse fear. "I uuhh..."
"All we have to do now is get some samples!" squealed the girl excitedly
as she pulled out a foot long syringe and started towards the boy. Ranma
did the most sensible thing, he ran.
The end.
No, I will not continue this, no matter how you beg.
The Fanfic.
A SI shortfic by Carrot Glace.
Carrot lit a cigarette as he sat lazily in his car waiting for his
friend to come out of the store, a few moments later Dan appeared with an
arm load of beer and various other impurities meant to be consumed by the
both of them in an evening of anime watching. He started his car and
smiled as the thunder rolled in the distance.
"Hey, let's drive around in dangerous conditions," said Dan casually as
he lit his own cigarette and pulled the Katana he had hanging off the gun
rack in the back window of the 1979 Pinto.
"Yeah, maybe our car will be struck by lightening and explode, sending
us into an adventure when we get sent to a magical anime world with super
powered martial arts abilities implanted into our bodies by unexplained
means." Carrot started the car and drove off into the storm. He casually
flicked his cigarette butt out the window.
Unbeknownst to him, [but knownst to us.] a small trail of flames started
that lead to the gas pumps causing them to explode in a great ball of
fire. The car was caught in the blast and pieces were sent in every
direction, but strangely no bodies were ever found from the wreckage.
"Wow! That was even cooler than the time we used a blender to transport
ourselves to Bubble Gum Crisis!" exclaimed Dan as he dusted himself off.
Except he didn't look like himself any more. He was a grossly muscular
man in shadow black armor, he was also about six-three and weighed about
three hundred pounds. "Come on, I haven't seduced Shampoo since the last
time we did this."
"That was last week," reminded Carrot calmly as he stood up from his own
spot. "Besides, it's my turn to seduce Shampoo, you can have Akane this
time."
"Aww, man. She's to rough, how about Ukyo?" whined the boy pathetically.
"Suit yourself," said Carrot with a shrug. He was also much more
muscular; he was wearing a Ryoga style-traveling outfit and had light
green hair now.
"Which way is the Tendo Dojo from here anyway?" asked Dan as he searched
around to get his bearings.
"I think it's this way, we can fly there if you want," Dan looked at
Carrot's clothes and grabbed his arm pulling him in the other direction.
"I wanna outsmart Nabiki this time, you always do it!" said the boy as
he looked down at Carrot with a small frown.
"Fine, be that way, as long as I get to beat up Ranma this time!" said
Carrot calmly.
"I thought we weren't going to fix everyone's problems this time, you
know, just be your average Ranma character who isn't really better than
everyone else. That's all the rage now," Replied the hulking boy as he
slung Carrot over his shoulder and started walking.
"I'm tired of taking it like a puss, I wanna beat the crap out of
everyone for once!" the boy frowned and slapped his friend on the back.
"Put me down, I ain't crippled!"
The pair continued walking through Nerima and Dan stopped in mid stride.
"Hey, if this takes a while where are we going to stay?"
"The Tendo dojo of course, we'll just come up with some flimsy sob story
and they'll let us stay with them. You know that. 'Oh, Ranma stole my
honor', or 'Akane hit me!' We could even go with 'I'm weak alone and lost
with no where to stay! Please take pity on me!' If nothing else Akane
will probably offer to let us stay."
"Yeah, I knew that," said Dan with a small frown.
"Aren't you supposed to be a super powered ninja or something?" asked
Carrot.
"Yeah, pretty cool huh?"
"Not really, stop sulking and try to look intimidating! How else are we
supposed to make Cologne afraid of us?" Carrot slapped his companion on
the back of his head and the ninja stood tall and crossed his arms as he
walked down the middle of the street. Most of the residents ignored him
though.
"Where to start? Furinkan or The Dojo?" Dan looked back and fourth as
they found the crossroad that would lead to either one.
"Let's go to the Dojo, I've had enough school this year," commented
Carrot.
"We graduated three years ago Carrot," said Dan in confusion.
"Yeah, I know."
The pair walked up to the gates of the Tendo Dojo and looked at the
sign. "Well, here we are, let's go!"
"Hey!" cried an angry voice; the pair turned to see an overweight man
dressed in a Chinese silk shirt glaring at them.
"What is it?" asked Dan looking annoyed.
"The line starts back there buddy!" the fat man pointed over his
shoulder to reveal a long line of people that stretched all the way back
to Dr. Tofu's clinic. Many of them were dressed in street clothes, but
just as many were wearing everything from martial arts dogi's to spandex.
"What the hell is this?" asked Carrot.
"This is the line for Ranma 1/2 fanfiction!" snorted the man.
"Oh," said the boy looking surprised.
Nabiki appeared over the wall of the dojo and pulled out a megaphone.
"Due to extreme demand we are forced to limit all of your stories down to
five minute Spam fics today. Please be patient and have your entry fee
ready when you reach the gate so we can get everyone through today."
Dan and Carrot stared at the spectacle in a sort of dazed shock. "But
today is my day off! I've got all day to write with! That'll leave me
with hours of free time!"
Nabiki looked at him and shrugged. "Sorry buddy."
The pair looked at her and shrugged before walking away from the line
towards the Ucchan. "Let's get something to eat and go some where else."
They found the restaurant and found a line that was just as long, but
another much shorter line for patrons. "Hey, fanfic authors are in that
line!" cried an incredibly cute looking girl from inside the door.
"Hey Konatsu, we aren't here to write, we just want to eat before we
leave," said Carrot calmly.
"The lines too much for you?" asked the ninja as she recognized him, but
not so much as to remember his name. He was a regular there, but usually
with the other group.
"Yeah, we're off for greener pastures today, this one's about been
trampled," sighed the boy.
"I understand that sugar," said Ukyo with a sigh as she flipped an
Okonomiyaki in front of the pair.
"How about a Slayers fic?" asked Carrot as he looked towards his
companion.
"Sailor Moon has a few babes in it," offered Dan with a shrug. Slayers
is cool, but it has a relatively low babe factor.
"You're right about that one, but Sailor Moon is likely to be crowded
too, maybe Magic Knight Rayearth?" said Carrot with a sigh.
"Eww, dude, those chicks are like fourteen!" said Dan as he almost
choked on his Okonomiyaki.
"Sailor Moon isn't much better, or Ranma for that matter," rationalized
the boy with a shrug.
"True," sighed the boy as he agreed. "Hey, how about Bubble Gum Crisis,
it'll be busy, but not too crowded!"]
"Sounds good, we are there dude!" agreed Carrot happily. "It'll be nice
to sleep with someone around our own age for once too."
"Hey, I get mine!" retorted Dan angrily.
"Yeah right, fan-boy," said Carrot with a small snort. "Let's go."
The pair walked out of the Ucchan leaving enough money to cover the
check and tip Konatsu. After that they dramatically vanished into the
sunset.
The End.
Hee hee, that was naughty.
Trying Martial arts techniques.
Hello, I'm here to tell you about my personal martial arts training. I
have been an obsessive Manga reader for some time now and some of those
techniques seem to just make sense. I decided to try a couple from the
series Ranma 1/2.
For example...
Katsutenshin amaguriken. [Sweet chestnuts roasting on an open fire.]
This was the first technique I've tried. Simple right? I started with
arguing weather or not it could be done with my martial arts sensei, who,
curiously enough, requested that his name and the name of my school be
omitted. It is a Kempo dojo in the Jacksonville area.
After a few days of intensive punch drilling, just to get up to speed I
decided that I could try. As I expected I burned my hands, but was not
disheartened. I knew that not even Ranma had accomplished this technique
on his first try. After a few days I began to realize that things were
not going well. My hands were constantly sore and I had many blisters and
large burn scars to bandage up for several weeks after.
Finally I concluded that I had not trained enough, I would come back to
this technique after a year or two. That is, when I was fast enough.
So far, Me: 0 Common sense: 1
Bakusai Tenketsu. [Breaking or Blasting point]
This technique required the help of a friend. I found a willing
participant who would swing me into a large rock from a tree. It was
disturbingly easy to do, I didn't even have to convince him. After the
first painful three tries I broke not only my finger but two ribs and an
arm. Yet another technique that was sadly shelved for lack of further
training. Eventually I had to settle for my friend punching me around for
a few hours a day, until I can take it and try this one again.
Score, Me: 0 Common sense: 2
Hidden weapons techniques.
Basically I went into the kitchen and stuffed every sharp object I could
find into my clothes. I now know this is not wise, sharp things are not
only uncomfortable but make a good deal of noise. They also tend to
restrict your movement. Lets see you try to sit down with a set of steak
knives in your shorts. Lesson learned from this? Don't ever stick a
butcher knife down the front of your pants.
Me: still 0 Common sense: 3
I was getting disheartened by this time, after numerous hospital visits
the insurance company was beginning to grow suspicious. I had to act fast
and get a work related injury to disguise my work, or lay low and try
some less dangerous stuff. I chose the second option, call me a wuss if
you must but I think you would have too.
Umbrella's, Throwing bandannas, and belt swords.
I learned than no matter how hard you spin your wrist a bandanna will
not spin faster than it will. I almost dislocated the joints with this
one in frustrated attempts to get the bandannas to spin fast enough to
fly and cut stuff. The belt was met with similar results, but I did
manage to perfect my wet towel bathroom whip technique. I can send a fat
kid scurrying across a locker room squealing like P-chan in a single
shot.
Lesson learned this time? Bamboo umbrellas are not only more durable in
anime than in real life, but also a lot less expensive.
Another failure Me: 0 Common sense: 4
Hiryu Shouten Ha. [Flying Dragon ascension defeat]
This one was not so easy. It's rather hard to stay calm after pissing
off someone much larger than you and try to lead them into a circle. It's
much more difficult than it looks. My personal soul of ice training was
inadequate.[see Shi shi houkou dan] Chalk up another hospital visit and
yet another failure.
Me: 0 Common sense: 5
Sekai saikiyou [Mark of the gods]
Well this one was an interesting test. I attempted to draw a large
stupid looking face on my stomach and then proceeded to pick a fight.
Unfortunately that wasn't very hard, the guy was still angry over the
Hiryu shouten ha incident. It's not my fault his sister was changing with
her window open! I could barely make out her chest from the tree outside
her window! Honest!
Me: still 0 Common sense: 6
Saotome despiration strikes: Rouga shyou hai tai [fox fist] and Moukou
geki tai [tiger blow]
The technique of distracting your opponent and hitting him while he
isn't looking. These techniques work very well together. Especially when
combined with the Saotome secret technique [See Saotome ryu ougi]
Me: 1 at last! Common sense: 7
Neko ken [Cat fist]
This technique didn't go over very well, it was almost disastrous
actually. I had managed to gather a large number of stray and
neighborhood cats together and tossed them into a pit I dug in my back
yard. Needless to say I didn't feed them. After jumping in with fish tied
to me and having the animals all run away from me for several days I
realized that I had to be much younger and smaller for the training to
work.
I abandoned the technique after I discovered that neighbors don't like
having their pets kidnapped.
Lesson learned this time?
Animal cruelty fines are expensive, I would have gotten off easier
robbing a bank or killing someone. It's possible even molesting a child
would have gotten me less time and fines.
Me: 1 Common sense: 8
Saotome ryu ougi [Saotome final attack or desperation move.]
The super secret technique of running away until you can think of
something better to do. The only draw back is it requires you to come
back and face your opponent when you do. I recommend distracting yourself
with Sailor moon or some Shojo manga. It will completely rot your brain
and prevent you from thinking at all. When you finally forget about what
your supposed to be thinking of, your obligation ends.
Me: 2 Common sense: 8
Seme ken [Shark fist]
No matter how many different ways you hit the water you cannot make it
into the shape of a shark. I spent six months in a swimming pool with
screaming kids and avoiding warm spots in the water for this.
Lesson learned? Always swim in the winter.
Me: 2 Common sense: 9
Happo dai kairin [Happo fire burst]
The most successful of all the techniques tried. It also almost got me
arrested for blowing up the neighbor hood mailboxes. This is the most fun
of all the techniques. The big scary guy is avoiding me now. [See Hiryu
shouten ha.]
HAPPO DAI KARIN! *BOOM!* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gotta watch those fuses though, ouch.
Me: 3 Common sense: 9
Shi shi houkou dan [Roaring lion bullet]
This one was difficult. I had to get depressed, I decided to use this
for the 'Soul of ice' training for the Hiryu shouten ha attack as well.
It went something like this...
Unattractive girl: Wow I didn't think you'd ever ask -me- out.
Me: Well, normally I wouldn't. I'm in training you see.
UG: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I have to get depressed. The fastest way I figure doing that
is to let people see me going out with a cow like you and then suffer
through the stale wit of my friends.
UG: What did you call me!? You prick! [Insert loud slapping noise here.]
Me: OK that ought to do it.
As I suspected her friends and my friends made my life a living hell
from that day on.
My own friends by the harsh teasing and hers by the simple vengeful
dirty looks ugly people give to people much more attractive than them.
They wouldn't dare do anything more. Because then they might seem like
mean ugly people and completely shatter any chances of getting a date.
After a few days I was upset enough to try. [My friends were much
crueler than I had anticipated.] Three guesses on what happened.
Me: still 3 Common sense: 10
Mouko Takabishi [Fierce dominating tiger]
Since the Shi shi houkou dan didn't work I had to try for something new.
I figure that since I'm so smug and overconfident...why the hell not?
Moukou Takabishi was next.
Unfortunately I was still down from all these failures and the cow date.
It'll have to wait until I can remind myself how wonderful I am. It could
take a few days cause I'm kind of a prima donna about things like that,
but you tell me I said that and I'll kill you.
Me: 3 Common sense: 11
Kakutou deina [Martial arts gourmet eating] Ofurasosu family style.
Can you say malnutrition? Good, neither can I. I didn't eat for two
weeks over this, they had to revive me with a bag of vitamin supplement
and an IV drip at the hospital. On the plus side I discovered I can touch
the tip of my nose with my tongue, and I lost twenty pounds in just two
weeks! I should use this as a diet plan and sell it to stupid fat people.
Too bad Takahashi-samma owns the rights...
Me: 3 Common sense: 12
Happo go en satsu [Happo five yen money]
Japanese Yen are pretty hard to come by in the states. So I just drilled
a hole in some US currency and went to town. Unfortunately it didn't work
very well. I couldn't drain anyone no matter how I tried and people were
giving me funny looks for pointing money at them.
I didn't even turn into some super buff dude either, it kinda sucked.
Eventually I got kicked out of the club I had gone to test my theory by a
bouncer named Tiny. He gave me his number though, I'm not sure if I
should be flattered or frightened. Especially since he somehow got my
name and phone number and won't stop calling.
Me: 3 Common sense: 13
Kakuto Sadou [The way of tea]
This style didn't work out very well. Not only are traditional tea
ceremony props hard to come across in the US, they are also expensive. I
tried a few of the things with the little wooden spoon and bowel but
somehow I couldn't make them into the deadly weapons they should have
been. Besides, so you have any idea how hard it is to walk while sitting
down? My ankles are still killing me. This one was abandoned rather
quickly.
Me: 3 Common sense: 14
Pantsuto ryu sei kiyaku [Pantyhoes dragon power kick] and Hiryu korin
dan [No translation available]
Well, since I can't get a gigantic minotaur to spin me around by a pair
of nylons or a half dragon man to shoot chi balls at me these are pretty
much untested. I did try to hang from a pair of stockings though, they
wouldn't hold my weight and ripped in half. I suppose it's for the best
that I didn't try that one. Still it couldn't hurt that much if it didn't
work.
Final tally? Me: 3 Common sense: 15
That about does it for this list. I know I didn't mention every little
technique but you get the general idea.
Happosai is my new hero and I hope when I get old that I can be a dirty
old man too, just like him. At least I have something to shoot for and a
retirement goal.
Using original Japanese names: I.E. M. Bison = Vega
Street Fighter 2
The face of evil.
Ryu stood before his opponent with his fists held up. The man stared him
down with his cold dead eyes as he waited patiently. Desperation gripped
his soul as he watched the figure stand firmly in place, never wavering,
never moving, not even breathing as he awaited the battle.
"What do you want with me?" he screamed as fear clenched his heart. "Who
are you?"
The man stayed motionless, but it could not be a man, no matter what his
eyes told him the pure power alone was far too much for any man to hold.
The thing's lips curled slightly in what could have been a smile, or just
as easily a snarl. "I am power made flesh," was its only reply.
Ryu felt the wind blow as the storm came, the tall grass blew against
the wind while he stood unmoving, waiting.
Without warning the monster in front of him placed its foot out and
raised its fists.
He felt the fear wash away only to be replaced by anticipation, the
perfect battle had found him at last, not even Vega himself could
withstand its sheer power.
The battle began without words or warning. The creature vanished from
his sight with impossible speed and slammed his fists into the back of
his neck sending him to the ground, but his skills saved him as it
attempted to crush him under his feet as he rolled away.
Jumping to his feet he countered, slamming his fists into the monster's
side receiving a gratifying grunt of pain as an elbow impacted in his
face countering his maneuver. It was all he could do to remain conscious
as he staggered back under the sheer force of the blow. The thing moved
quickly to take advantage of the situation and Ryu blocked desperately,
he managed to knock away a chop to his throat, a killing blow if it had
landed. Without thinking he launched himself into the air spinning around
as he repeatedly slammed his foot into the monster's face as he kicked.
"Tatsumaki senpu kayaku!" With the attack finished he spun around only
to find the creature charging again, he raised his hands to block only to
receive his own attack back in his face; but it was more than that, twice
as powerful and teeming with some strange energy.
Ryu felt the beast in his heart roar with triumph as the two of them
exchanged blows each more devastating and dangerous than the last. He
knew he could not last against this force much longer, and strangely he
felt no remorse, no regret for the battle. Only his skills could save him
and they seemed far to small against the impossible odds he was facing.
Tensing his face he growled, a feral sound from deep in his throat as he
faced the thing again. He would not die this day; his warrior spirit
would not allow it. Charging forward he rushed at the thing again, more
intensely than ever before, harder and faster than he had even thought it
possible.
The beast was pushed back, no emotion or surprise registered on it's
face as it submitted to the attack. Ryu planted his feet into the ground
stopping his attack cold as he pushed his life force into his hands and
screamed in defiance. "Shinku hadoken!" the massive wave of energy was
more than he had ever felt in his life, feeding upon his desire for the
perfect battle that he had at last found.
The creature seemed to fade from existence and appeared in the air, a
wave of energy from the things hands slammed into his chest sending him
to the ground.
Somehow despite the pain he did not scream as he fell, rather he reveled
in the pain, the sheer power he was facing.
Gouki landed and stared him down with a cold energy forming around his
body. In mere moments the battle would be over and he would at last
destroy the mortal foolish enough to face him. The puny, weak force that
was slowly dying away under his unimaginable power. He grunted as he slid
forward, flashes of light surrounded him as he unleashed his most
devastating attack.
Ryu found the power to stand despite his injuries and locked into the
beast's cold eyes as he waited, the lights formed around him and he
shifted his legs for better purchase on the ground.
The demon completed his attack and frowned, he had missed. No one had
ever escaped his deadly force before, a moment of disorientation was all
that was needed as Ryu came down from the impossibly high jump and
planted his knee into the back of Gouki's neck. The demon fell to his
knees and smiled, it was a cold and cruel act as he looked up at the man
who had dared to topple him.
Ryu didn't think he had anything left, Gouki was rising and his power was
spent. Slowly, methodically the beast rose to his feet and jumped into
the air, at the peak of his rise he extended his leg and shot down at an
amazing speed, almost too fast for the young warrior to follow.
Desperation clenched him as he grit his teeth and staggered forward a
single step, pushing with all his strength he rose into the air to
counter.
"Sho ryu ken!"
The attack cut along the demon's back, slicing into his flesh and
tearing his dogi to shreds. As they landed each warrior slowly turned and
faced his opponent again. Gouki's clothes hung in tatters off of his body
as he growled at the impertinent being still standing before his awesome
power.
Ryu froze as he realized that something was wrong, different about his
opponent now. His eyes fell on the slowly waiving tail behind the thing's
body. "He has a tail?! Just like..." he was cut off by an evil sounding
chuckle from the thing standing before him.
"Yes, a tail. Just like yours Kakkarotto."
Once again, no matter how you beg I will not continue this.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
C&C to Carrotglace@juno.com
URL Http://www.geocities.com/misatira/