My comments##
Everything is IN MY OPINION ONLY!
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.
(This is the first time I've seen this story so
I haven't read chapter one)
From:
"Arthur Hansen" <arthurh@utah-inter.net> | Block
address
To:
"Fanfic Mailing List" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma][ALT] Birthright 2
Date:
Tue, 27 Jun 2000 16:19:39 -0600
Add Addresses
Well, here we go again! The previous chapter can be found
http://home.utah-inter.net/arthurh/art.html
Hopefully, I'll get an update to the page pretty quick too. C&C is
appreciated, but no blasting the concept by itself. Well, don't singe
me too
bad. ;)
Arthur Hansen - 6/27/00
##Disclaimer???
I'm not really into disclaimers most of the time (though I was shocked to
find out that the writer for Sailor Moon actually mentioned something about
fanfics in a letter collum.)
--------
<SNIP>
Birthright 2
Tatewaki Kuno stood easily, waiting for the cretin who dared to stand
between him and his sun, his love fore ordained. The wind moved his
hair
lightly, keeping it just out of his eyes. Half closed eyes watched as
his love and the coward came to these hallowed halls of learning.
Ah, if only the others would see that it was foolish to challenge her
ferocity. That only he had the ability to tame her, to make her, his
own. See her movements, mowing done the foolish and ill prepared. Now!
Now was the moment for him to take his place on the stage called life!
##Nice. A bit awkward in places but captures some
of Kuno's . . .errrr . . .personality.
It can be a bit akward, sometimes.
"Akane Tendo! Never a fairer rose did bloom, as did you this morn."
"Kuno," Akane said flatly. She placed herself into a favored Kempo
stance.
## "favored"??? I'd like a bit more description here. this is
a little static. Workable but could be better.
"Ah, my dear flower. As always, you are prepared for the daily
challenge
that I issue to you. But worry not this fine day, for you are not the
one that I seek to challenge. Nay, it is that common cur, known as
Ranma
Saotome that I wish to challenge this day." He paused dramatically,
letting the wind blow through the yard, moving the grass and his
kimono.
"Accept my challenge, craven coward! Or give up thy claim to the
beauteous Akane Tendo forever more."
##Overuse of challenge. I'd work on this just a bit. Kuno likes the sound
of his own voice. And a true Samurai is a man of letters. Kuno might be
a BUFON [sic] but he's a literate one.
Hmm. Ok, I won't promise a lot though.
"You bet I accept your challenge, Kuno. I'll show..." Ranma started to
respond loudly.
"On Friday, right Ranma?" Akane pinned him with a serious glare.
"Doctors orders. And remember what you're father said?"
"What? Oh, right." Ranma turned and faced Kuno with a scowl. "You got
it, Kuno. After school, Friday!" Ranma clenched his fist tightly. He
wanted to pound that sneer right off of his face, right now.
"What? The righteous justice of heaven awaits for nothing!"
Ranma started to growl as he stepped up, until he was interrupted by
Akane and her arm, as she spoke out, "If that is the way you want it,
Kuno, I'll champion him. It's my fault that he's injured and can't
answer the challenge."
"Hey! I can handle my own fights!"
"You're not even supposed to spar for a couple of days, Ranma. And I
was
the one who hurt you, remember? So it's my fault."
##Nice. ("your father", not "you're father") and this ends
my attempts to correct spelling and grammar.
Thanks for the spelling/grammar catch.
"Ah, for Akane Tendo to defend him because of her high standards and
honor. The gods must weep at the wonders that still exist in this
modern
age. That such honor still exists. I shall counsel myself to patience,
so that I might strike down the true cause of her misery. Until Friday,
then. We shall meet on the playing field, so that all might know of my
glorious victory." And with that, Tatewaki Kuno spun on his heel and
strode with majesty into the school.
##Nice again.
"What a moron."
"Whatever, Ranma. Let's get to class."
-
Nabiki drummed her pencil against the piece of paper, columns neat and
organized. This could be fun. And a whole work week to prepare! The
betting has already turned fierce, as many of Kuno's lackeys were
showing their support. And just as many people who had had enough of
Kuno were betting on the new guy who could beat Akane. The same Akane
that never lost!
## "The same Akane that never lost!" is a little awkward sounding to me.
Change or delete.
I don't know. It's pretty straight forward.
Nabiki grinned in amusement. I wonder if she realizes how much Kuno
lets
up when she's fighting? Her father's other students were nothing
compared to Kuno. Some of the moves that she'd seen him pull during
those fights were startling, even though she knew what Akane was
capable of.
##I'm a little surprised that Nabiki could pick up on this
and Ranma/Akane could not. Fighters are usually a pretty
good judge of other fighters.
Akane's going by *her* fights with Kuno. He's shown himself to be so far
below her, he wasn't interesting, so why watch his other fights. (Which is
true of Soun's other students too, BTW.)
Akane was in for a nasty surprise, as was her cocky fiance. If she
played her cards just right, she could make a bundle.
Nabiki carefully put away the pad of paper and pulled out a shojo that
she'd brought from home. Keeping an eye out for her teacher to make
sure
she wasn't caught not following the assignment, she opened up the
manga,
transporting her to a simpler time. A time when princesses were always
protected by handsome, dashing men who thought everything of them. A
brave resourceful princess, without a real care in the world.
##except for war, famine, disease, revolution, forced marriage,
assassination . . . ^_^
<grin>
-
<SNIP>
As she started to prepare their lunch, she thought how best to raise
some of her concerns about Nabiki to Soun. The girl was obviously in
need of someone taking control of her life, even if it wasn't her. It
was evident that she was heading towards a bad life. If she wasn't
careful, she might even drop out of school.
##Hmmm, interesting plot point. On one hand school is very important
in Japan. OTOH, women, even now, are expected to make a good marriage
and produce children to support them in old age.
The dichtomey of the modern Japanese woman.
<snip-age>
No, he had his own practice to do. And when it came time for his
rematch
with her, he would win. He'd have to talk to Pop and see what ideas he
had. Maybe some of the better moves Ranma had developed against his
father would work even better against Akane.
##overuse of "better". This scene is a bit static, considering
the emotions you've introduced.
Hmm. It's a character peice there, not meant to have a lot of action. Thanks
for the tip on the 'betters'.
<snip>
##So far I like this a lot. Ranma descriptions are a little bland.
If you can go back and flesh him out a little. Akane is getting
some good stuff. Do some more with Ranma so he's a better
counterpoint to her.
This is too show how Ranma is *reacting* to the situation. He's not being as
inventive and proactive as Akane here.
-
Ranma and Akane came trotting into the school yard the next morning,
just like clockwork. Akane blinked in surprise at her loss of
'students'
as no one stepped forward to attack her. Ranma just looked around. The
same boys were there all right, in a line ahead of them, but they
seemed
to be crying for some reason.
The baseball player stepped up. "Akane Tendo. We can't stand up against
Ranma's or Kuno's claim. It's obvious that they are the true contenders
for your heart. So we won't harass you anymore."
##Ummm, a bit disappointing. Pretty much a replay of the
original.
Um, Kuno and the others pretty much have no difference to their canon
counterparts. They *should* act pretty much according to the original.
All of the other boy nodded their agreement.
Kuno suddenly stood forward, blasting them with a withering glare and
his shout. "How dare you put Ranma Saotome in the same lofty position
that I hold, ill bred cretin! She is destined to become my date!"
"Um, actually, I didn't say anything like that, upperclassman. We just
don't want to get in yous guy's way. You're way better than us. You're
the top fighter of the guys."
"Hey!" Ranma exclaimed.
"And the biggest pervert!"
"What? Who said that?" Kuno spun around to glare at the morning crowd.
"I am not going on a date with a clueless jerk like you!"
##Still pretty bland. Nothing new.
It was specifically designed not to be too unique, to show that quite a bit
has the potential to pop up from the original. I was trying to showcase this
without boring anyone to tears.
Kuno took a dramatic pose the back of his hand touching his forehead.
"Oh, that the heavens would weep so. That Akane Tendo would be so
blinded by the evil villainy of Ranma Saotome! How must I repair that
macabre wrongness that vexes my life?"
##Better.
Ranma just rolled his eyes. What an idiot. "See ya Friday, chump."
"That's upperclassman to you, fiend!"
##A disappointingly bland section. Not nearly to the standards
of your Akane sections or bits of internal dialogue with Nabiki
or Nanami. This reads like a hundred other fanfics. Needs to be
brought up to the standards of the best parts of this story.
I'm not sure what I'm aiming for is what you're wanting, though.
-
Friday morning dawned, gray and cool. After a round of sparring and
practice with their respective fathers, Ranma and Akane headed off to
school. They lightly bickered a bit about which Bruce Lee movie was the
best, but mostly just to pass the time. Their morning verbal sparring
with Kuno went by with little change, except for the fact that less
students attended. It seemed they were really only interested in seeing
blood.
##Cute.
The day dragged by for Ranma, as he hyped himself for the fight. By the
time of the end of the day, he was primed and ready, filled with
energy.
At the last bell, he was out the window and over to the playing field
for Football, or as it was known in America, Soccer.
##Hmmmm, IMO you could have just called it the Soccer field.
this, IMO, just slows the pace and doesn't really add any
"flavor" to the story.
I'm trying to show that this isn't America, but a foreign country that does
have its differences.
He tapped his toes, his slight nervousness showing through.
##nervous??? Well, you did say [ALT].
He's only slightly nervous. Ranma isn't impervious to worry and fear.
Students
started to drift out and sit on the slight incline. Akane sat under one
of the trees by herself, interested to see how Ranma fought someone
other than her or his father.
Several students ran up late, carrying munchies and drinks that they
had
purchased. "So who do you think is going to win?" Daisuke asked one of
the two girls sitting next to him.
##Bland.
I wrote this section as 'straight man comedy'. I'm also using this to show
how four of the more 'common' students are reacting.
Sayura tossed her head in uncertainty. "I don't know. I'm betting that
Ranma is. How about you?" she asked in return.
"I've seen Kuno go all out once. Wian never stood a chance when he
tried
to join the kendo club. So I've bet on Kuno. Nabiki is giving Ranma
poorer odds to win, too." Diasuke nodded knowingly.
Hiroshi spoke up suddenly, "Yeah, and we all know that Nabiki is
usually
on the know about who's best and all."
Yuka sniggered and then piped up, "But Kuno's never beat Akane. Never
even came close."
"You didn't know? Kuno always holds back when he's fighting a girl,"
Daisuke replied to her.
"Well, he can't be holding back that much," Yuka said with a glare.
"Wanna bet?"
Sayura and Yuka glanced at each other. Sayura nodded. With a smile,
Yuka
responded, "Sure. How much?"
"Two thousand yen on the bet that Kuno beats Ranma handily, without
hardly getting hit."
"You're on!" both girls chorused.
"What?" Whatever Daisuke was going to say, was interrupted as Tatewaki
Kuno finally arrived, backed by the members of the kendo club.
##Still rather bland. Has potential. Descriptions and dialogue need
to be punched up. Stilted dialogue, bland descriptions. predictable and
boring. I wouldn't mention it except I know you can do MUCH better.
Bring this up to the levels of your Akane, Nabiki, Nanami. Now THOSE
are nice. The entire story should be at that high level.
Ranma tightened his clenched fists and then relaxed. He stood at the
center of the field. "I was starting to wonder if you were gonna show
up, Kuno."
"That's upperclassman to the likes of you, Saotome. Know this, that on
this day, Akane Tendo shall be freed of her unwanted engagement to
Ranma
Saotome when I vanquish him on this field of battle. Then she becomes
free to date me again, as she must secretly wish!" Kuno proclaimed
loudly.
##OK, I admit it. LOL on this one. ^_^
Thanks. I got a bit of practice with this playing a (quasi)Mimbrant Knight
in a LARP.
Akane's face started to turn an interesting shade of purple. How dare
he? That male chauvinistic creep!
"You're on, Kuno. Like she'd even want to be seen with a jerk like
you."
"How dare you! Defend yourself, varlet!" And with that Kuno struck out
in a basic over handed cut with his bokken, which Ranma sidestepped
easily.
Kuno recovered and tried a diagonal swiped, which Ranma flipped over,
spinning upside down to bounce away on one hand. The crowd gaped in
surprise, including Nabiki. Ranma was doing better than she thought he
would.
## "handed", "swiped"???
Over handed may have been supposed to be 'over-handed', but could be
correct. Swipe was a typo.
The fight is workable, but could be better.
"Ha, a cowardly way to fight, Saotome. I see that I shall have to
unleash my ultimate technique upon you!"
Ranma smirked in response. Kuno closed again, unleashing a flurry of
attacks, his bokken stabbing the air in a blindingly fast pattern,
almost overtaking Ranma's effort to dodge him. Two tears appeared in
Ranma's shirt before he could back away in a roll.
Twenty feet behind Ranma, the ground was being torn up as if being
struck by an invisible rotor-tiller. Dirt was being kicked up in a
jagged line, causing several people to scamper to safety.
##well . . .passable. It's a bit stilted but . . .OK.
Still, I think you can do better.
"Wow! Just from the air pressure alone!" a student exclaimed.
##repeat from the manga/anime.
Correct and on purpose.
<snip>
Everyone's sight was riveted to the furiously glowing black-haired
girl.
Such was the power of her aura that no one could look away, until Akane
turned on her heel and stalked off. The quiet hiss of the rain was
broken as Akane punched an unoffending tree in two pieces that just
happened to be near her as she walked home.
##Good start. But then you didn't do much with the anger.
Final sentence was awkward.
I rewrote that four times. This was the least akward one. This Akane has a
*much* better grip on her anger. Her lashing out at that tree was pretty
extreme, by her standards.
"Whoa! Is she pissed!" was all Daisuke managed to get out.
That snapped the rest of the students out of their stupor, as a herd of
people headed towards the stunned Nabiki. Her look of consternation was
a salve for many of these same people that she had fleeced in the past.
"Hey! Akane! Wait up!" Ranma cried out, sprinting after her departing
fiancee.
"Oh, by the way, Daisuke. Pay up please!"
"Yeah!" Yuka piped up.
"Well, uh, I didn't thing you were both betting me. Heh, heh. I, uh,
don't have enough for both of you right now."
Yuka and Sayura took up identical 'thinker' poses. Then the same evil
grin appeared on both of their faces. "Don't worry, Daisuke. I'm sure
we
can come to some agreement, right Yuka?"
"Right, Sayura."
A deep, hollow feeling filled Daisuke's stomach. He had a very bad
feeling about this now. "Sure!" he responded glibly.
##Unevenly done. Some good spots, some less good.
For example:: "Sure!" he responded glibly.
doesn't seem to fit the emotions.
I think this works this way.
-
"Akane! Wait up! Jeez, what's wrong with you? You're acting more goofy
than normal!"
Akane snapped to a halt and spun around. "Don't start with me right
now,
Ranma! I've just found out that Kuno is so sexist that he won't even
really fight me. Like I'm some weak wallflower! I bet you would too, if
you wouldn't think it would make you look weaker!"
##Good start. A little wordy for extreme emotion IMO.
Also went through a lot of rewrites. Sigh.
"Hey! That's not true! You're probably the toughest fighter that I've
run into that isn't my old man or some master somewhere."
##Nice. A little awkwardly phrased. Loses some of the emotional
punch. Why not::
"You're probably one of the toughest fighters
I've run into that isn't my old man or a master."
OR
leave off "or a master"
"Hmphf. So you say."
Hmm. Don't know for sure. Ranma babbling on in a run on sentence seems
sometimes right, for some strange reason.
"Jeez, you can be so obnoxious sometimes!" A thoughtful expression
fluttered across her face. "Say, Akane? What am I going to tell people
when they ask about my curse?"
"Just tell them the truth, jerk. Or are you afraid some boy is going to
hit on you?" Akane turned back towards home and quickened her pace.
"I am not scared! Ooh, gross." Ranma paused a second, looking around.
"I'm a guy, even if I turn into a girl because of this stupid curse. No
way am I gonna ever let some dweeb hit on me." Her trotting figure
showed how female she was.
##Cute. dialogue is a little stilted but cute.
I'd tweak it a little.
"Then don't be a weenie. Just tell them the truth and the problems
solved."
"Ah, man. They're all gonna think I'm weird."
"You are weird Ranma."
"You can be soooo uncute!"
"Shut up, dumb ass."
"Ha, make me, you tomboy!"
"Grr!"
##:(
NOT up to standard.
IMO best to stop with
"You can be soooo uncute!"
(The "You are weird, Ranma" is a
topper.) ^)^
It goes downhill after that.
I like the way that play out, actually. It seems to Ranma and Akane.
Nanami heard the sound of Ranma and Akane arguing even before she heard
the door slam shut from their entry. She sighed and then brightened.
They didn't seem to be quite so loud this time. A few times this week
they had come in the door screaming and yelling, their fathers having
to
separate them.
As if on cue, Genma shouted out, "Ranma! You should treat your fiancee
with more respect!"
"Akane! Ranma is your fiance! How are the schools going to be joined if
you keep up this behavior!"
"Can it, old man! You're just lucky that I'm not headed back to China
already!"
"Da-ad! Will you stop that! I am not marrying him!"
"Oh, the shame! That my daughter would act so shamefully!"
Two crashes shook the house as both fathers were kicked out into the
side yard, splashing down in the koi pond.
"You're not getting off that easy, Pop!" the female Ranma cried out at
she charged outside.
## :(
been done before. MANY times. Re-do this, delete or
shorten drastically.
Umm, that was pretty short. It only like ten short lines.
Nanami sighed. Some things haven't changed, it seemed. So she can be
forgiven for being startled when Akane suddenly piped up from behind
her. "Mrs. Naoka? I'm sorry to bug you, but I kind of need a favor."
Nanami smiled and responded as her hands steadied themselves. "What can
I do, Akane?"
"I need something for tomorrow and I need your help."
"Well, if I can, I'll see what I can do. Why don't you tell Nanami what
you need."
"Thanks, Nana. You're always there to help out."
Nanami rested up against the counter as Akane rattled on. Her old bones
weren't getting any younger. It's a good thing that Akane was almost an
adult. It really was time that she started to think about retiring.
This
had been a good idea, eight years ago. She had needed something to get
her mind off of her husband when he passed away.
##Cute. I'm wondering if Akane would be that familar
but on the whole it seems to work.
Your characterization of Nanami is well done.
Nanami has basically been the mother figure in the girls lives since their
mother died.
Ranma awoke as he normally did, dodging an attack by his father. Every
since Dr. Tofu's no sparring rule had been rescinded, his father had
been almost merciless as a taskmaster. Their morning sparring matches
had been just more intense. He frowned when he remembered something
that
Soun had mentioned yesterday, how Akane's and his training had become
harder too.
##Awkward. And difficult to follow. Re-do.
He paid for that momentary lapse of concentration as Genma kick plowed
through his defenses, sending him sprawling into the pond.
##Good.
Genma frowned as he landed lightly on a rock next to the pond. When
Ranma's head surfaced, he went into his full blown ranting mode. "This
is the sort of thing that allowed Akane to defeat you, boy! You might
have managed to avoid my wrath by pulling off a win the next day, but
this is abysmal! To think that you would let a girl defeat you in the
first place. Oh, that my son is so weak!"
Ranma's temper, rarely the best controlled thing to begin with,
snapped.
"Ha! I'll show you and everyone else. No way am I gonna take a back
seat
to Akane!" Ranma ducked a kick that Genma sent his way. Ranma unleashed
a flurry of punches and kicks at Genma.
Genma rolled away and bounced backwards too fast for Ranma to follow.
"Oh, and how are you going to do that?"
"I ain't been sitting on my duff! I've been training extra hard!"
Genma folded his arms across his chest. "So has she. So?"
"I've got a plan, ok?" Ranma put on a hurt, but determined expression
and stomped back in to the house, dripping water onto the mats.
##Fight scene is bland. Workable however, especially if
shortened.
Um, it wasn't a fight scene, really. It was Ranma talking to his father
while kind of fighting.
"Please use the towel, Ranma." Nanami handed Ranma a towel. Nanami
poured some hot water over her head. Then she used the towel to dry her
hair and pat herself somewhat dry. Ranma handed the towel back to her
absently as he plunked down at his normal seat at the table.
##Confusing as to who "she" is when using the towel, etc.
Reads as if it's Nanami.
Another rewrite, but I definitely see what you mean.
<SNIP> a rather nice characterization scene.
Kasumi walked in, taking her seat at the table. She yawned and
stretched. With that she picked up her chopsticks and started eating.
##I wondered what had happened to Kasumi. ^_^
"Huh. Ok, I guess. I'm gonna go take a bath and then head off to
school.
See ya around noon." Ranma bounced to his feet and trotted out of the
room, having finished his eating in record time even for him.
## A little awkward. Also interrupted by Kasumi's entrance.
The flow of action is interrupted. The segue is rough.
Hmm, but it is how that happens (as I envisioned it). I was trying to show
that the Tendo's aren't that close of a family as they are in canon. People
just showing up and leaving during breakfast seems to do it.
Nabiki finished slurping her soup and got up to leave. She snagged her
leather jacket and left. The door slammed in the background, much more
noisily than normal for Nabiki.
Kasumi blinked in surprise, glancing in the doorways direction. "My,
that was odd. I wonder what's wrong with Nabiki?"
Soun just made a humphing sound from behind his paper. His middle
daughter was not one of his favorite breakfast topics.
##Good.
<SNIP>
"STOP!" a voice suddenly called out.
Kuno and Ranma spun face the person who had just interrupted their
fight. He leaped down easily from the ground's wall, tabi boots
gripping
the grass easily. The shorter young, lanky man was garbed in the
traditional practice outfit of a kendoist. His gray hakima was gathered
up into his tight boots, his purple kimono was wrapped in such a way
that his sleeves would not be caught up. He wore the traditional
leather
breastplate and kendo helmet and leaned a bokken lightly over his left
shoulder with his hand.
##Too large a chunk of description. Slows the action.
I think I disagree. A good description was neccesary at that point. Everyone
knows (pretty much) what Ranma, Akane, and Kuno look like. Vague
descriptions are all that's needed. A (supposedly) new character would need
a bit more description. Though I don't think it was that big of a surprise.
"Who the hell are you?" Ranma snapped out. "I'm trying to fight here."
"Indeed, as Saotome so uncouthly asks, who are you?"
"I am Rasika Detsuta, high school kendo champion of Tomobiko. I had
heard of this one's skills," he said, pointing at Kuno, "and wish to
challenge him. Unless he's too busy, of course," Rasika said in a low,
sarcastic drawl.
##Hmmmm, another plot twist.
Dialogue needs some work.
Ranma just shrugged. No skin off his nose if someone wanted to
challenge
Kuno.
"Ah, that my legend has become so widespread, that my challengers
should
flock from miles around to fight me! Of course! I shall deal with this
honorless dog after I have defeated you." Kuno took a moment to flick
his bangs dramatically with his fingers. "It is nice to see someone of
culture, who takes the history of our fair country as seriously as I."
Kuno wasn't even slightly ruffled. Obviously someone who relied on the
armor to serve as protection.
##??? started off well. You lost me on the "armor" bit.
I had to think about it a couple of times. Needs
a rewrite.
That's why the description was kind of important.
"Hah! You are so full of it Kuno!" Ranma sniped.
Kuno snapped a glare at Ranma, but was interrupted by Rasika, when he
called out, "Ready?"
"Ready!"
And with that, the two figures charged each other across the open
grass.
Time seemed to stand still as both figures passed one another, blades
of
wood striking out.
Kuno stumbled in surprise. His foe's blade was strong enough to
withstand his might! This was a true battle to test his mettle. He
turned back to see his foe already charging him, bokken flickering in a
tight pattern.
##Better fight scene. Could still use some work as it's a tiny bit
slow. Still, workable as it stands.
He back peddled quickly, managing to block all but a weak blow that
ripped his left sleeve. Rasika stopped his attack, letting Kuno get a
bit of breathing room.
##Why?
"First blood goes to you, my foe-man! Such a worthy challenge!"
##Errrr, "first blood" means just that. Blood is drawn. This is
the second time you've used the term. Suggest you try something
else.
I am quite aware of what first blood means. On the other hand, it really
isn't that far out of bounds for Kuno to use it to show the effective blow
either. They are using sticks, after all.
"<SNIP> fair fight scene, but not great.
Their fight continued non-stop, even during that leap, as Kuno adjusted
to the odd fighting style. Each one was struck by a blow, Rasika being
knocked savagely with a hit to the back of the shoulders, while Kuno
took a blow to his sword arm. A two foot piece of black rope fell to
the
ground behind Rasika as he rolled to his feet.
##Ummm, rope??? What is this?
See later!
Both took a moment to recover, but Rasika reacted faster. "Enough of
this!" Rasika attacked one handed with the bokken, fist and feet
blurring, surprising the kendoist. He had just a moment to realize that
he had again been struck in most of his soft spots.
##??? "soft spots" covers a LOT of territory.
This was to give people the image from the original of kicks that Ranma put
all over Kuno.
Kuno collapsed onto his face. The crowd behind him broke into a cheer.
Rasika relaxed, his breathing slow and steady.
"He's even better than Kuno, too?" Nabiki stuttered out. This couldn't
be happening again! Several of her friends nodded dumbly in response.
##Ummm, considering Kuno is not in armor I'm not sure about that.
OTOH, an advantage is an advantage.
In Kuno's mind, using armor shows an obvious weakness that has to be
addressed by protection.
Yuka sighed dreamily. So dashing and mysterious, his features still
hidden behind his kendo helmet. Maybe she could get his phone number!
Ranma whistled softly in appreciation as he walked up to Rasika. "You
could have won at any time, couldn't you?"
Rasika looked at Ranma levelly and responded in her normal voice,
"Yes."
##Ummm, I don't get that from the fight. You might want to re-write
to make this clearer.
Akane could have done that final attack at any time. Ranma realizes that.
She then removed her helmet and wiped her brow.
"Akane? What the? That was you?" Ranma stuttered. Something didn't look
right though.
##What is that?
Ranma trying to see what's wrong with Akane's appearance. He's not sure
right now.
"Yeah? What of it? I knew the only way Kuno would fight me all out was
to disguise myself as a boy. It worked. Now no one can say that I can't
beat Kuno fairly." Akane had a very set expression on her face.
##I didn't expect this. Good job.
Really?
Kuno groaned on the ground behind her, catching her attention. She
turned and faced towards him. Slowly, Kuno stumbled to his feet.
"Impossible," he wheezed. "It must be some form of trickery."
"Oh, shut your male chauvinistic pig mouth, Kuno! I beat you fair and
square. Just like Ranma beat you yesterday."
Ranma nodded in approval.
"Akane Tendo? You are garbed as that cad Rasika, who has fled from my
wrath!" Kuno's expression was confused.
##LOL. VERY nicely done.
"Get a clue, Kuno. I was pretending to be Rasika so that you would
really fight me."
"What? That was you?" Kuno paused again. "Of course it was you! I knew
all along!"
##Cute.
"Oh, brother. Yeah, right, Kuno."
"Hey, Akane! What happened to your hair?" Ranma asked suddenly.
"I just did it up in a braid, Ranma." Akane rolled her eyes.
"Ah." Ranma reached down to pick something off the ground. "I don't
think so."
Akane blinked and then reached up behind her head to check her hair.
"My
hair?" It was gone, from just below they neck. She'd been working for a
long time to make it long enough to get Dr. Tofu's attention. He just
didn't seem attracted to her. She had thought that maybe if she looked
more 'womanly' that maybe he would notice her. A foolish hope, she
knew.
She had a niggling suspicion that he just didn't see her as anything
other than a patient.
##Ummm, the hair scene just doesn't work. It seems an attempt
to force THIS reality to match the original. Either re-work
or delete as this doesn't have the punch of the original.
It doesn't in many ways, because Akane is a different person. On the other
hand, it seems fairly resonable too. Akane does have a similar crush on Tofu
(but she's too young) and so grows her hair out longer to try attracting his
attention.
And with Alterverses, you have to walk a fine line between originality and
original references (at least I do). It tends to make things more
interesting if things are a bit closer, rather than almost unrecognizable.
Her attention was dragged back to the present, as the school bell
chimed. She would have to deal with her loss later.
With a shake of her head, she strode off to change before class.
Ranma stared after her for a second, and then down at the rope of hair
in his hands. He couldn't understand why she had a look of sadness when
she looked down at her hair.
Why was it so important?
## nice foreshadowing but it lacks any real emotional appeal.
Again, this reads as if you're trying to force this story to match
the original rather than let events flow.
There *is* less emotion. Akane doesn't have as large a crush on Tofu. She's
basically already given up on him because her father pulled the dreaded
'what would your mother think' guilt trip.
He was answered by a hushed conversation between Yuka and Sayura as
they
walked by him to go to class. "I can't believe her hair! How can she
stand to be in public?" Yuka said quietly.
Sayura responded, "I know I'd be mortified to be caught out in public
with such a bad haircut."
## :( repeat of the original. delete or re-write.
That is correct. Ranma still wouldn't understand effectively, so someone has
to state it bluntly.
He strained his ears, hoping to pick out a bit more. He looked back to
the hair in his hands. "Maybe it's a girl thing," he muttered. Girls
always seemed to care about their appearance. And Akane was a girl,
even
if she was almost as good as me, he thought.
##Cute.
He left that mystery for the future as he dashed into school.
-
<SNIP>
Ranma ducked and weaved, dodging the invisible blows of air. "Ha! That
didn't work when Kuno tried it! What makes you thi-ink, whoa! Agk!"
Ranma suddenly found the top bar of the chain link fence suddenly
broken
under his feet, which had been Akane's true target after she had
unbalanced Ranma.
##Cute.
Arms and legs flailing, Ranma landed in the shallow water of the canal.
Sputtering in outrage as she sat in the water, Ranma glared at the
school girl smirking at him through the fence.
"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Ranma. You're pretty cute too."
Akane
started to giggle at the red heads discomfited expression.
##Nice.
"Why'dja go and do that? And I take that back! You aren't cute at all!"
Ranma hopped up on the broken fence, maintaining her precarious perch
easily. She shook her fist at Akane.
"Nyah!" Akane stuck her tongue out and bolted to a nearby rooftop.
"Come back here!"
-
<SNIP> a rather bland and repitive Ranma and Akane fight scene.
Well, character study. The fight scene was to show that R&A fight a *lot*.
<SNIP> Nice Nakiki scene.
She slid open the drawer on the nightstand next to her bed, pawing
through the different bottles of vitamins until she came to one in the
back. The label was torn and ripped up. With a furtive glance around,
she pulled out a pill and noted that she was going to need to buy some
more for herself. Only four left.
She grimaced at that expense. She was not a junky.
##junkie
Thanks!
It was just very
nice
to have some sort of escape from the stress in her life and her family.
Maybe she should go easy for a while. Just to show that she could.
##Good.
She popped one pill and closed up the bottle. She grabbed her latest
stack of magazines and shojo's off the nightstand and started to thumb
through them.
Pretty soon the sounds of giggling wafted out. How the heck did the
princess get into that sort of problem, any ways?
##^)^
This all stemed from a discussion about the name of the magazine that Nabiki
has delivered to the house in chapter 1. It was a slightly childish one, so
I decided to keep it and show that this Nabiki is *not* as mature as canon.
She kind of lives in a fantasy world because of the changes.
<SNIP> interesting Ranma/Akane scene. A little slow
but interesting.
-
<SNIP>.
"Nah, not really. He can still beat me, even when slightly drunk. And
you never can be sure with him when he's really drunk. Pop's sneaky
that
way. Everything is training to him."
##There actually is a Drunken-man style of fighting.
Well, yes.
<SNIP> a very nice Akane/Ranma scene. The anger was developed
very nicely.
Akane's fiery anger fanned into a cold rage. "I challenge you, Ranma
Saotome. Back up you're words, wussy boy," Akane said in a tightly
controlled tone. She stepped back into a fighting stance.
##<BG>
But not fem-boy. =)
Ranma gulped, trying to get a hold of his anger. "Fine!" he spat out
finally. "I accept, you butch tomboy."
They circled each other warily. They tested out each other's defenses,
slowly increasing the speed and the tempo of the fight. They each upped
the ante, striking harder and faster. Blows traded back and forth as
they moved from one side of the dojo to the other, Akane giving ground
slightly.
##<sigh> after all the nice anger the actual fight is rather blah at this
point.
Needs MUCH more action. Better descriptions.
Shudder. Maybe a bit. I definitely don't want to do a blow by blow, as the
fight actually lasts almost a half an hour. I was trying to show that by
more vague descriptions and how time was passing while they fought.
Ranma pushed himself, adrenaline singing in his blood. He'd managed to
catch Akane unawares a couple of times with those counters to the
Saotome Anything Goes style that he had worked with his father on. He
grimaced in pain from a couple of particularly painful punches to his
abdomen. She must have managed to find a couple of holes in his
defense.
Genma was going to push him even harder for that.
Akane ignored the trickle of blood coming out of her lip. Ranma had
planned for this fight, she saw. A couple of those counters only worked
on someone who used his family's style. Some of her training seemed to
be working, as she'd managed to effectively second guess him a couple
of
times to get clean, hard blows in.
##Better. A little wordy but much better.
This continued for minutes, blows, grunts and heavy breathing being the
only sounds in the dojo.
##Bland.
This is impressionistic. Not a blow by blow type fight.
Akane's world focussed down to just Ranma while expanding to encompass
the immediate area. Her breathing changed rhythm as subconsciously, her
mind well into a mantra.
Petal blossoms became one with the swirling wind which traveled through
the snow covered mountains to an ancient hidden valley shrine.
Pain became cold nothingness, her movements retook a sureness from the
beginning of the fight. Memories of ice and the sounds of a crashing
snow storm flittered by her consciousness. She could almost hear the
sound of a raging bull bellowing.
##Much better. Wording needs a bit of tweaking but very good
none-the-less.
Ranma grunted in exertion, struggling to maintain his defenses as
Akane's form smoothed out and sped up slightly. He was suddenly on the
defensive. Akane's face had become flat and expressionless. Minutes
passed, stretching longer and longer.
Ranma gritted his teeth in anger. No way was he going to lose to her
again. His muscles started to burn as his gi stuck to his sweaty body.
Ranma noted, in the back of his mind, that Akane's form was starting to
suffer a bit, too.
But not as much as his form was. More and more holes were developing in
his defense, each one sounded out with a punishing attack. Ranma's
grunts of pain accompanied each strike. He was beginning to become
unnerved by Akane's almost perfect silence when he managed to strike
her. All he could hear was her breathing and the slap of her feet on
the
boards.
##Not bad, but your descriptions of Ranma are not as good
as those of Akane.
Hmm. Maybe, but that wasn't what I was aiming for.
<SNIP> Good scene between Ranma and Akane. Could use a little
polishing but very, very nice overall.
<SNIP>
"Saotome, be quiet for a moment." Soun stared at the two for a second.
"I think that is enough. You two have been fighting these 'challenges'
too often and taking them too far. This is starting to affect how much
you can learn. Unless I miss my guess, you both aren't going to be in
any shape to spar for days."
Genma nodded reluctantly. "Tendo is correct. Pushing yourself to the
edge is commendable, but this is starting to become foolish. When these
challenges interfere with you learning the art, that is when they have
gone too far. You are not enemies."
##Actually this is the best way to learn a fighting art.
Jutsu as opposed to do is pretty brutal. This is why
people trained in boxing so often beat people
trained in "martial arts". They are trained to take a punch.
They're used to getting hit full force and keep punching.
IMO this needs to be changed a bit for realism.
But does that make it an eastern martial arts philosephy? By what you just
said, no.
"But..." Ranma started to say something, starting to sit up.
"What?" Akane piped up.
"SILENCE!" Soun blasted out. "You are living in my house and you will
abide by my rules. No more of these challenges unless I deem that it is
a matter of honor. From now on, you will only spar under mine or Genma
Saotome's supervision." He glared at the two teenagers for a moment.
"Is
that clear?"
##Not a bad reason. Language is a little stilted.
Soun can be a bit wordy.
Akane bowed her head stiffly. "Yes, Father."
Ranma nodded slowly with a very set expression on her face. "Yes, Mr.
Tendo."
"And you will not find excuses to make it an honor duel. Understood?"
Two reluctant nods answered. "Very well. The matter is settled. Nanami?
Can you get some of that special ointment that I bought from Dr. Tofu?
They both look like they are going to need it."
Genma cleared his throat. "I would also suggest that they soak for a
while in the furo. That should help with some of the stiffness."
Soun nodded appreciatively. "Splendid idea, Saotome."
##While the concept is reasonable, the dialogue seems
a little forced to me. IMO needs a re-write to be
more believable.
I'm not sure of how you are meaning for that.
<SNIP>
Akane turned her eyes to the sky as if to ask why all of the idiots
came
into her life. She stood up and walked into the bathing room.
##Cute. <VBG>
"Hey! Whatcha think you're doing?" Ranma cried out, turning to face
away
from Akane.
"Oh, quit being so childish." Akane winced when she remembered what her
father said about both of them. "Let's just try to deal with this
maturely."
##Also nice.
<SNIP> nice Akane/Ranma bit.
-
<SNIP> an interesting if bland slice-of-Nerima-life.
Um, not quite. It's actually quite important to chapters two and three. ;)
All I will say is *poor* Kasumi.
Overall::A very good story.
However there are several spots that are
almost word-for-word repeats of the original.
The original dialogue and concepts are exceptionally
well done. Unfortunately there are episodes where
it appears you are trying to force original bits of story
line from manga/anime to fit into your new universe. Also there are spots
of
dialogue that seem very rushed.
Like I mentioned earlier, that word-for-word repeat is for the most part,
intentional. And it's part of the way I was trying to write, so don't expect
it to go away.
As for the rushed part, well, about half of this was written in about six
hours, and then polished in two days.
The good is VERY good. The bad is bad only
in comparison. You've got a good story. If you bring
the slower parts up to the standards of the best you
will have a _great_ story.
You seem to do best with Akane, Nabiki, etc.
Ranma and Kuno and their various interactions with each other and other
characters are done least well.
Very, very good work. Please keep writing.
Hmm, I'm not sure, as Ranma is having to deal with the changes that are
quite striking from the original. I'm not sure why you're seeing him being
done 'least well'.
Thanks for the comments.