(Scene: Aerial skyline view of New York City at night. Saxophone jazz music
can be heard in the background. The camera gradually pans and closes in on a
particular building - NBC Rockefeller Plaza.)
(Fade to indoor setting - a hallway backstage at NBC. Dan Aykroyd and Ranma
Saotome are walking together before the show.)
Ranma: So, let me get this straight... anime has finally gotten popular
enough for you guys to invite us to host Saturday Night Live? (Aykroyd nods)
Geez, what took ya so long?
Aykroyd: Well, it's not like we can afford to fly all of you out here from
Tokyo unless you're really big...
(Several Pokemon bounce by: "Pika! Pika-pikachu!" "Bulbasaur!")
Aykroyd: ...and that (he jerks his thumb toward the now-receeding Pokemon)
pushed you guys over the edge.
Ranma: (squints at Aykroyd) Pokemon? Don'tcha think critters like that'd
be more suitable for the Muppet Show or something?
Aykroyd: Maybe so, but that's already been done.
Ranma: No kidding? (Aykroyd nods) Wild...
Aykroyd: No, Wilde. Anyway, once anime got to be a multi-billion dollar
business, we finally had to spring for the airline tickets. And it really
set us back, let me tell you. We can't even afford scripts...
Ranma: Whaddya mean? We're using a script right now.
Aykroyd: Yeah, but we didn't *pay* for it. Besides, you can't hear me
talking...
(A Jigglypuff bounces past, following the other two Pokemon. Ranma pales.)
Ranma: Uh, speaking of not hearing... I hope that wasn't your musical guest
for the evening.
Aykroyd: Hm? No, Lorne's working on getting the Knight Sabres to perform
tonight.
Ranma: Will they be doing Konya wa Hurricane? I always liked that song.
Aykroyd: How should I know? They haven't even confirmed that they're gonna
be here. I think he was also trying to line up a Miho Utsuse, but last I
heard, she was in the hospital for one reason or another, so her record label
offered to send over some new kid. Anyway, that's Lorne's deal. Each of us
is checking with the lead actors from a different series to make sure that
everyone's present and accounted for. (He grins) I feel sorry for Mike
Myers - even the Hyper-Hypo couldn't keep up with all these Pokemon...
(A Charmandar wobbles by somewhat unsteadily, and Ranma and Aykroyd watch it
slowly wander off.)
Aykroyd: Anyway, is everyone from your series here? Or at least, everyone
that's gonna be participating?
Ranma: (thinks a moment) Yeah, I think we've got everybody. I know we got
all the fiancees - and how you guys talked Shampoo and Ukyou into working
together on a sketch, I'll never know. (Aykroyd grins) Let's see... oh, we
got mail from some guy in the Midwest who's insisting we keep Sasuke out of
this, but (Ranma sticks out his hand, and suddenly, there's a tall, cool
beverage - no, I don't know of *what* - in his hand) he's just so
*convenient* to have around.
(Aykroyd sticks out his hand. Nothing happens. He shakes his hand in midair
a few times, and finally, he too has a drink.)
Aykroyd: I see what you mean.
Ranma: Well, he's not perfect, but he does try. Oh, wait... there was one
other guy who we couldn't reach...
(There is a muffled cry of 'bakusai tenketsu!' before a nearby section of
wall caves in. Yup, it's Ryoga.)
Ranma: Okay, *now* we've got everyone.
(A dressing room door opens, and a performer sticks his head out.)
John Belushi: Hey, can you guys keep it down out there? You're making
enough noise to wake the dead. (He notices Aykroyd) Oh, hey, Dan... can you
help me with this costume? It's been a while since I tried to do this...
Aykroyd: Sure thing. (They exit to Belushi's dressing room, leaving Ranma
and Ryoga staring at each other, and then at the rubble in the hallway.
Ryoga puts his hand behind his head in chagrin.)
Ryoga: Uh... sorry about that.
Ranma: Well, maintenance should get to that before it's too much of a hazard.
Ryoga: Um. So... what do we do now?
Ranma: I guess we go onstage for the monologue or something. That's the way
it works around here, I think.
Ryoga: Okay... beats doing fanfic reviews, I guess. Which way to the
soundstage?
Ranma: (indicating a door slightly ajar at the end of the hallway) That one
seems as good a possibility as any.
Ryoga: All right, let's go... uh, do you have anything prepared to say?
Ranma: Naw... we'll just wing it.
Ryoga: Oh. Okay... (and as they walk off, their voices become fainter...
the camera is not following them.)
Ranma: Can't help thinking we're forgetting something...
(and slowly, the camera pans back to the pile of wreakage in the middle of
the hallway. A maintenance man comes by with a mop and wheeled bucket. He
doesn't notice the pile until he trips over it and lands smack on his face,
at which point, he lifts himself slightly off the floor and stares painfully
into the camera. Suddenly, he breaks into a broad grin.)
Maintenance man (Chevy Chase): Live, from New York, it's Anime Night!!
(Sax music up, and audience applauds as Don Pardo launches into the
introduction. )
Don Pardo: Yes, it's Anime Night Live, with special guest host, Ranma
Saotome!
And featuring the Not Ready for Prime-Time Players!
Aaand now... Ranma Saotome! (Audience applause)
(A rather sullen and dripping Ranma-chan shuffles onstage, accompanied by
P-chan)
Ranma-chan: Soon as I find out who the joker is who set that bucket over the
door, he's a dead man.
P-chan (nodding): Buh-kwee!
(Ranma-chan cocks her head at the little pig)
Ranma-chan: Hm... we may do a sketch on that, later, otay?
(The pig looks up at him in noncomprehension. Ranma-chan turns back to the
audience.)
Ranma-chan: Oh-tay... it's been thirty-five or so years since Lorne Michaels
was watching Speed Racer on his parents' TV set, and *now* he figures anime's
ready for SNL. I probably shouldn't complain, since I haven't been working
for a couple of years now - unless you call those fanfiction appearances
'work'. Some of 'em are a lot of fun... 'specially the lemon ones...
(P-chan squeals in indignation)
Ranma-chan: Oh, don't give me that... you get your turns, too, don'tcha?
(She picks up the pig, and pokes him lightly on the nose, and a few drops of
blood trickle out) Thought so.
(Ranma-chan turns her attention back to the audience)
Ranma-chan: Anyway, I understood the reason we weren't asked on before was
because of the expense involved in getting us here from Tokyo. If they'd
only asked us first... we coulda hopped a ride on the Lovely Angel and gotten
here without costing 'em a dime.
P-Chan: Bu-kee! Kwee-kwe-kwee buh-kee!
Ranma-chan: Oh, yeah? The whole Rockefeller Plaza? (P-chan continues to
squeal) *How much* of Manhattan? (More sqealing - Ranma-chan blanches) Uh,
okay, so maybe it's better they got us plane tickets after all. But it
brings up my other point: Lorne thinks airfare is expensive? He ain't seen
nothing compared to the damage costs they'll rack up by inviting all of us...
(she gives P-chan a look, and he cowers a bit)
(Suddenly, there is a creaking noise from behind the two of them, and before
Ranma-chan and P-Chan can react - or even move - the backdrop collapses upon
them. The audience gasps at the rubble onstage, but with a ripping of canvas
and a splintering of wood, the two of them emerge dusty, but unscathed)
Ranma-chan: What'd I tell ya?
(The dust begins to settle, and the sillhouettes of two obviously female
figures emerge from the haze. Each one is brandishing a substantial weapon)
Ukyou: Ranchan, what the HELL's the big idea, puttin' me in a sketch with
the bimbo over here?!
Shampoo (glaring at Ukyou): Shampoo no bimbo, and no want to act with
not-nice spatula girl, that for sure!
Ranma-chan (sweatdropping): Uh, ladies, we're live on camera. Can ya keep it
down? 'Sides, I don't write these things. Go ask Michaels-san about it, if
ya got a problem with it. I think they think it'll be funny if you two work
the Olympia together.
Ukyou: Oh, Sure. Funny-ha-ha. They like violent comedy here in America?
'Cause they're damn well gonna get it.
Shampoo: Spatula-girl laugh on other side of face when Shampoo through with
her!
Ukyou: Oh, you wanna fight right now? Okay, gimme yer best shot, sister...
g'wan, I dare ya...
(They assume ready stances, and start circling each other, looking for an
opening)
Ranma-chan: Will you two *please* just - (there is a creaking noise from the
ceiling, and Ranma-chan looks up) ...Holy <beeep>!! (Yeah, this is still
network TV, and the FCC won't allow ya to say it onscreen)
(The three girls scatter as a car crashes onto the stage from the ceiling.
Usagi & Luna stumble out)
Usagi (swirly eyes): OoooOOOoooOOOoooO.... (She collapses in a heap on the
stage)
Luna (equally dizzy): You know, I could do withOUT the rehearsal for the
Toonces sketch... in fact, I think I could do without the sketch, period.
(She collapses next to Usagi)
(Ranma-chan, still holding a very wide-eyed P-chan, hesitantly picks her way
back onstage)
Ranma-chan: Uhhh, yeah. Whaddya say we skip the rest of this monologue
before the whole place falls apart, eh?
==========
Okay, that's about all I have for now...
There's a lot that could be done here, but I think I could use some help with
sketches... my familiarity with SNL extends basically to the original
late-70's cast, and I *know* there's a few good sketches after that.
I'd love to do a little bit of this every Saturday evening for a while, but I
really can't promise a sketch each week for this. Still, with enough ideas,
who knows?
Suggestions and volunteers welcome!
Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^