Johann Chua wrote:
Cut most of the grammar comments since I used pretty much all of them.
them in hyperspace and killing them both. At least Yuri would know it was
all Kei's fault and not hers. There was something reassuring in that.
I'm sure there is. What exactly, I don't know ^_^
Me neither, but then I don't pretend to understand how minds like the DP's
work. :)
Yuri's eyes narrowed. "Please tell me you weren't stupid enough to grab
both the positive and negative poles at the same time."
"So that's what the plus and minus signs meant, huh?" A small puff of
smoke
No, they're for listing pros and cons.
The pros being don't touch them, the cons being ending up a crispy critter
if you do.
showing given the revealing nature of her uniform, was now almost
completely sing-covered from the slight charring she had taken from the
singe-covered
I'd suggest just plain "singed".
Done
If the wire had managed to loop around her throat, she would have been
dead
within several seconds as it cut through the soft tissue of her throat
and
windpipe. The fact that it had only sliced through the flesh of her hand
meant she had a chance. Shutting out the pain (an experience she had
plenty
of familiarity with) she used every ounce of flexibility she had and
Add a comma after "with)" or use commas for a parenthetical statement
instead
of parentheses: "...pain, an...with, she..."
Cut the parentheses throughout the fic altogether save for perhaps one or
two spots. It does look better without them.
Once Yuri had a moment to calm down, she examined her partner while being
certain to show no open concern. Besides a bandage on her hand, Kei
appeared to be all right, and Yuri wasn't going to ask about the wound if
Kei didn't feel the need to mention it. "I had a run in with a genetic
mismatch of parts. Had big teeth. They weren't as sharp as a bloody card
though."
I think "bloody card" should be in caps--trademark, right?
Yes. I capitalized it earlier, so this one should be too.
halfway down its back. The thing had to weigh close to a ton, given its
huge size and girth. It was a humanoid, but definitely not human. It was
bipedal and had two arms and legs, both huge and powerful-looking enough
to
"Bipedal" already indicates two legs, so "and legs" is redundant.
Right. Cut bipedal though since I thought the sentence sounded better
without it.
Comments:
Riveting action romp with great fight scenes and character development.
Good
work.
Thanks. Tried to put a little bit of everything in the first chapter to
catch the reader's interest . Going to give a brief rundown of what
happened in Iria: Zeiram the Animation next chapter so people that who
aren't familiar with the anime won't be lost. I think I've worked it in
well enough so that it doesn't feel too forced.
I really ought to watch Iria one of these days, if only because I profess
to
be an Aya Hisakawa fan ^_^
Both live action and anime are enjoyable, IMO. Prefered the anime myself,
despite watching the live action version first.
Thanks for the comments. Due to time constraints and my muse urging me to
do something else that I've left lying around for a while, the next chapter
will be delayed somewhat. I have about a third of it done, by my
estimation, so rest assured it will not die on the limb like so many other
fics out there. It's still my next major project I want to complete. But
between being busy, work, and an upcoming vacation, don't count on seeing
much material or C+C from me for a little while.
D.B. Sommer