Hi, Larry! Good to hear from you!
Larry F has kindly decided to host my story in his site, so, now,
previous
chapters can be found at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/latin_d/
Hey, I don't just archive, I also rip 'em apart first! That way, you
get to have mixed emotions about me. ^_^
Well, you've failed. You host my story, send public C&C and still EXPECT me
to have mixed feelings? Think again, my good man. ^_^
The skull-insignia Battloid, that had killed the gigantic alien
minutes ago, started moving again; the pig-tailed martial artist watched,
amazed, as it shouldered its massive weapon. There was so much casualness
and grace in that single movement that Ranma felt like rubbing his eyes.
How
could a machine move so fluently? He wouldn't have believed it if he
hadn't
been seeing it with his own eyes.
Punctuation- you don't need the two commas after "Battloid", but you
should break the sentence up: "The skull-insignia Battloid that had killed
the gigantic alien minutes ago started moving again. The pig-tailed
martial
artist watched, amazed, as it shouldered its massive weapon. "
Ooops. I seem to use either too many commas, or none at all. Will fix.
About the semicolon, well, I discovered semicolons some time ago, and I just
keep putting them everywhere now--sometimes, I make a mistake. ^_^
Will fix, too.
The earth craft gently prodded the alien's dead body with one of its
metallic foot, checking for any signs of life. It found none, of course;
the
Veritech Gatling rounds had done their job, piercing the Zentraedi
trooper's
unarmored chest with terrifying ease. Then, the Batloid stood still for a
couple of minutes, seemingly waiting for something. Ranma decided that
making his presence known to the pilot was the best course of action.
After
all, he might be able to help him look for Minmei. However, before Ranma
could do anything to draw the pilot's attention, the war machine quickly
switched to Guardian configuration, as if urged by some unknown signal.
Climbing swiftly like a rocket, it took to the air, headed for the SDF-1.
"one of its metallic feet" (it has two, y'know!)
Double oops! Consider it fixed.
Punctuation- the second sentence is too long. I suggest: "It found
none, of course. The Veritech's Gatling rounds had done their job,
piercing
the Zentraedi trooper's unarmored chest with terrifying ease."
Semicolon again. Will fix.
By the way, that part about his chest being unarmored isn't correct.
The Zentraedi battle uniform has armored plates all over it, and the chest
area in particular has a large armored plate that also contains the suit's
controls. Look around the net for some stills of a Zentraedi trooper;
they're armored in most critical locations. Not that it matters to a
Gatling gun...
I really didn't remember this, but now that you mention it, it's not that
hard to fix. Chaning 'unarmored' for 'armored' should work, as, like you
said, the Gattling gun can pierce almost anything.
A deceptive peace settled upon the street after the sleek aircraft
left. The battle had apparently moved to the outskirts of the town, as
the
Veritechs slowly but surely pushed the invading troops back. The sounds
of
explosions and fighting were still there, but they seemed muffled,
deadened
somehow. It was only this relative calmness what allowed Ranma to hear
the
sudden rumble that came from the SDF-1's direction. He whirled around,
not
knowing what to expect any more.
"which allowed Ranma to hear"
Okay. Consider it fixed.
The SDF-1, the ship that had finally brought peace to the Earth, was
slowly raising into the air after a decade of waiting. Its rocket
boosters
flared intently, giving off a torrent of white-blue fire that, foot by
foot,
propelled the huge spacecraft upwards.
"slowly rising up into the air"
The prepositions still give me headaches. Thanks for the catch.
"Its rocket boosters flared intensely"
Argh! I confused one word for the other. Will fix.
In that moment, other thought struck him. If the SDF-1 went away, the
Veritechs would probably follow it. And with the pods still lurking in
Macross, it would be very dangerous for Rick to stay here. Ranma might be
the best martial artist in the world, but there was no way he could face
a
dozen of those alien machines. �Well,� thought Ranma, �at least not if
I'm
taking care of the kid at the same time.�
"In that moment, another thought struck him"
Morgan already pointed this one out. Don't know how I missed it.
"Rick, you okay?!" asked Ranma a little louder. There was no answer.
�What the heck's wrong with him?� he wondered, somewhat worried. He
didn't
seem injured, and the canopy was intact, with absolutely no signs of an
attack that might have hurt the pilot. He strained his ears in the hope
of
perceiving something, much to no avail.
"He strained his ears in the hope of perceiving something, but to no
avail"
Okay, I'll change it.
"C'mon, kid," said Ranma, trying once more to get Rick's attention,
"snap out of it!" The young pilot was unresponsive, shocked by the events
of
the past hour.
This is all from Ranma's viewpoint, so the "shocked by the events"
part
is inappropriate, since Ranma has no way to know that information. I
suggest just saying "The young pilot was unresponsive" and leaving it at
that.
Good point. I guess my POV switched from Ranma's to omniscient narrator's.
And that's NOT good.
Roaming his eyes around the cockpit, Ranma realized to his surprise
that there was someone else in the fighter. A young brunette was slumped
in
the rear seat, her head tilted to one side, resting against the canopy.
Long
locks of raven hair covered her pale face, making it hard for Ranma to
see
her features clearly--but, for some strange reason, he found her awfully
familiar. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she seemed to
be
about the same age than Minmei. Besides, she was wearing very similar
clothes. Actually, she had _just_ the same hair and height...
"His eyes roaming around the cockpit"
Actually, I already changed this to: "As his gaze roamed around..."
Two descriptions of Minmei's hair is too much. I suggest "A young
brunette was slumped in the rear seat, her head tilted to one side,
resting
against the canopy. The long locks covered her pale face, making it hard
for Ranma to see her features clearly."
Well, according to Morgan, 'brunette' and 'black-haired woman' aren't the
same, but I'll keep the references to Minmei's hair to a minimun... I think
we all know how she is, ne?
Saying she has the same height doesn't make much sense, because she's
sitting down. I suggest: "Actually, she had just the same hair and
build..."
Another good point. I'll use your suggestion.
"Oh, no! Minmei!" She was not moving, either. Perhaps they had been
both knocked unconscious when they crashed into the pod. He needed to
check
them and see if they were injured, but he didn't know how to open the
canopy. Sure, he could shatter it; he wouldn't need more than a simple
punch
to do so. But then the fighter could be rendered useless, and that was
something he could not permit. The Guardian was Rick and Minmei's only
means
of transport, and losing it might probe fatal. Walking was out of the
question--a Battlepod could step on them without even noticing--, and it
would be too dangerous to carry both of them through the battleground
Macross had become. Especially if one of them was injured.
"might prove fatal"
Oops. Wrong 'prove'. Will fix.
Thanking whoever it was that looked after them, the best martial
artists of the world, Ranma sighed in relief. "Hey, guys! Open up!" he
called. To say Rick was startled by the sight of Ranma standing on the
plane's nose while looking down at him would be an understatement, but he
managed to calm himself enough to comply after a few seconds.
Rick and Minmei are the best martial artists of the world? That's
what
the first sentence is implying!
Heh. As I told Morgan, I'll change this sentence.
Maybe I should just say this is an Alt Uni and get over it, right? ^_^
The pig-tailed man couldn't help but grin at the sight of Rick's
bewildered face. "I came to see how many buildings you've destroyed since
I
left for the shelters, but I lost count when I reached a hundred." Rick
blinked, and Ranma started laughing. Soon, another person's laughter
echoed
his, and both men turned around to see Minmei giggling, completely awaken
now.
Either "completely awake by then" or "completely awakened"
'Completely awake' it is. Thanks for pointing it out.
"I just walked, okay? In fact," he glanced at Minmei, a hint of
reproach in his voice, "I came looking for a girl that thought she knew
better than his uncle and aunt. You wouldn't happen to know her, by any
chance?"
"thought she knew better than *her* uncle and aunt"
Oops. My bad.
"It's not me who you've gotta apologize with," Ranma said, shrugging.
"Save it for your aunt; she was almost in tears, ya know? Next time,
think
before acting."
"who you gotta apologize to"
Right again. Will change.
The Guardian's comm suddenly turned on, and the image of Roy Fokker's
face appeared on the instrument panel's screen. "Sorry to interrupt you,
Little Brother, but the party's over. If we don't hurry, they'll leave
without us; let's go!" He paused, noticing Ranma. "Who's your friend?"
Punctuation- "If we don't hurry, they'll leave without us. Let's go!"
Did I mention semicolons? ^_^
It seems I love them, and you hate them. Oh, well...
As someone already said, I aim to please, so I'll use the period.
"Don't you dare!" yelled Rick, furious. He quickly calmed down,
though, when he realized what he had just said. "Err, I mean, uh, we
don't
want to bother her, right?" He looked nervously towards the rear seat,
where
Minmei was looking at him with wide eyes. Quickly turning around, Rick
tried
to keep himself from blushing. "But how am I supposed to pilot with this
big, fat old timer here?" asked Rick, obviously upset.
"old-timer"
Okay, will fix.
The Battloid extruded one of its metal tentacles and, much in the
same
way in that Ranma had seen before when Rick craft had been repaired, used
it
to open a small panel in the side of the Guardian. Its three passengers
suddenly felt themselves shaken around as Roy's machine gently took the
cockpit in its metallic hands, separating it from the rest of the
aircraft.
Using a fitment especially built with that purpose, Roy placed it on the
side of his Battloid's right arm.
"Using a fitting especially built for the purpose, Roy attached it to
the side of his Battloid's right arm."
Nobody likes 'fitment', ne? ^_^
It DOES sound better, so I'll use your suggestion.
"Oh, don't be such a baby--and stop moving already!" yelled Ranma.
Comma use- "and stop moving, already"
Blech, didn't see that one. Will add.
Roy shut down his comm, his ears ringing. How could two people be so
loud, he would never understand. He had better get to the SDF-1 as soon
as
possible, before they killed each other. Besides, Minmei would go deaf
soon
if those two didn't calm down.
"How two people could be so loud, he would never understand."
Umm, okay, I'll change it. If I don't heed my readers' advices, what will be
of me? ^_^
The Battloid mechamorphosed to Guardian mode and rose smoothly to the
air on its foot thrusters. The Robotech craft hovered there for a few
seconds, as Roy glanced one last time at the wartorn streets of Macross,
and
then jetted off towards its mother ship.
"war-torn"
Um, don't think so. Morgan told me the same, but when I looked it up, the
hyphen wasn't there. I'll check again, though.
However, it was also true that that boy ought to have said something.
Why didn't he come clean and say he wasn't a pilot? �Idiot,� thought
Lisa,
shaking her head. Well, there was nothing she could do now. She just
hoped
that Commander Fokker could save the boy--she didn't want to have a death
in
her conscience. Besides, she expected to have a few words with him.
As I recall, he DID say something. She overruled him; and she should
remember that.
Well, these are Lisa's thoughts, and she wouldn't recognize she overruled
anyone--not even to herself.
Besides, if I remember correctly, Rick never said he wasn't a pilot. He only
said something like "Okay, lady, if you insist." and took off. Too much
pride to say he didn't know how to fly a Veritech, you know?
A sleek fighter rose swiftly out of the earth's atmosphere. As the
air
thinned and the sky blackened, the uttermost silence surrounded the small
craft. No sounds could be heard but the ones coming from the Veritech,
and
Roy enjoyed a rare moment of peace as he closed his eyes.
"the utmost silence"
Um, is there any difference between 'utmost' and 'uttermost'?
It was easy to forget about the war in times like this. Easy to avoid
thinking of the new threat--the same one he had the feeling would put
humanity in jeopardy once again. So damn easy to keep out of his mind
those
terrible words: kill; die; survive. He had learned long before to master
his
fear, to control his feelings. Otherwise, he couldn't have fought for so
long; he wouldn't have been able to see so many of his friends die. But,
even now, he sometimes needed to relax and just... forget.
If only they were quiet...
A few paragraphs ago, you said he broke the connection so he wouldn't
hear them. To avoid the contradiction, you'll need to change the earlier
statement.
Another good point. Will change it somehow to avoid the contradiction.
�Will they ever get tired?� wondered Roy, finally opening his eyes.
He
decided to stop the bickering--if that was even possible. He opened up a
communication screen to the other ship and said, "Hold on for a second,
guys. We're arriving." Seeing them closing their mouths for the first
time
in long minutes, he radioed, "This is Skull lider to SDF-1, over."
"This is Skull Leader"
Yep. As I said, my English slipped for a moment. Will fix.
A new screen popped up in both ships, and they could see the the face
a woman in it. She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, and had long brown
hair coiled at her shoulders. Her small, elegant features made her very
attractive in the minds of many men, but a frown twisted her face in that
moment. Her eyes roamed around the crowded cockpit, looking in time at
Rick,
Ranma and Minmei, who was leaning forward, trying to see the screen.
After a
few seconds, however, she seemed to recognize Rick, and settled for
glaring
at him.
"Looking in turn at Rick, Ranma and Minmei"
Okay. Consider it fixed.
"The same and only," answered Roy, grinning.
"The one and only"
Um, I didn't remember the correct phrase. I'll change it.
Lisa couldn't take it any more, and snapped, "Argh, that does it!
What
is your name, you uncouth moron?!" she yelled at a confused Ranma,
shaking
with anger.
"Uncouth moron"? Somehow, I just can't picture Lisa saying that. It
sounds more like something Kuno might say.
...or Kodachi, yeah. This was actually a suggestion made by one of my
prereaders. I had gone for 'insolent jerk' myself, but he mentioned that
Lisa struck him as a lady of more... refined language. So I changed it.
No sweat. There's a whole world of insults out there. What about 'idiotic
moron'? ^_^
If there was something Ranma had learned throughout the years was to
recognize the instant a woman was trully and dangerously angry, and this
was
one of those. Of course, he had never learned what to do to appease that
anger, but no one is perfect.
Comma use and grammar- "If there was something Ranma had learned
throughout the years, it was to recognize the instant a woman was trully
and
dangerously angry, and this was one of those moments."
It sounds better, all right. Will fix.
After knowing of Armor Two's grim destiny, he was convinced of the
fact that the Super Dimensional Fortress One was the only one that could
face the offworld enemy. Unfortunately, that didn't make his actual
situation any less gloomy. He was going to fight a probably unequal
battle
against an enemy of unknown recourses, with an untried ship and an
inexperienced crew. Bad odds, indeed.
"unknown resources"
Oops. My 'c' and my 's' switched places... Maybe it's a new, rare computer
virus? ^_^
Besides, as the captain of the SDF-1, it was his duty and his
responsibility to face this new threat. He knew that if something went
wrong, he would be the one to blame. That was a lot of pressure, even for
a
seasoned captain as him.
"seasoned captain like him" or "for even as seasoned a captain as he"
'like him' it is.
Something detracted him from his musings, and he looked up to see
what
was going on. Apparently, there was some kind of discussion going on in
the
bridge. He paid attention, and was able to hear a voice he had never
heard
before--a male voice. For some reason, though, it seemed awfully
familiar.
He just couldn't put his finger on it, but he was certain he was missing
something really obvious. In fact, he could swear that he had just heard
the
owner of the voice saying his name was Ran--
"Something distracted him"
Argh, 'detracted' isn't the word, eh? Thanks for pointing this out. I'd have
NEVER noticed otherwise.
"RANMA!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, shocked. Gloval, almost
running, came to Lisa's board, where two different screens were
displayed.
One of them showed Commander Fokker's familiar face, trademarked
nonchalant
look included. Of course, Gloval knew appearances could be deceptive,
If I recall correctly, the captain's chair is only about 3 or 4 steps
away from Lisa's station. Not much room for "almost running".
I really don't know the exact distance, but I tried to convey his surprise,
more than his actual speed. I'll rephrase it, though.
The other screen was cramped with three startled faces. Two belonged
to teenagers: a boy and a girl. A mop of dark hair covered the boy's
forehead, and he was staring at him with his big brown eyes. In his
opinion,
the kid was in desperate need of a comb--he would never understand this
obsession young men had with messing up their hairs. It seemed all his
pilots wore long hairstyles, regardless of their rank. Hell, he was
certain
they would mutiny if he ever forced them to visit the hairdresser's.
"he would never understand this obsession young men had with messy
hair"
Yeah, it makes the sentence less confusing. Will use.
"Hell, he was certain they would mutiny if he ever forced them to
visit
the barber's"
Barber's? Um, well, it does sound like something an old Russian Captain
would think, so I'll use it, too.
He had been right, he was Ranma. �Thank God he's fine.� Gloval
sighed, relieved. But, a second later, he winced, as he recalled how
Ranma
had called him. He could already see the members of the bridge bunnies
covering their mouths with their hands, trying to stifle sudden fits of
giggles. Only Lisa seemed serious, although she was looking at him with
wide, incredulous eyes.
Comma use- "Thank God, he's fine."
Really? I thought it wasn't needed in this case. Like in: "Thank God that
he's fine."
But it isn't really important, so I'll use your suggestion.
"But a second later, he winced as he recalled how Ranma had addressed
him."
It's the COMMA INVATION!
I'll do as you say, Larry, of course.
�Why'd he have to remember _that_?� he thought, cursing inwardly.
Years ago, Ranma had given him that nickname. He hadn't said a thing at
the
moment, of course--but, in his opinion, it was silly and embarrassing.
Gloval looked around, and the women that formed his crew hastened to put
straight faces. He could still see the mirth in their eyes, though.
"He hadn't said a thing at the time, of course"
Okay.
Switching his attention back to his "nephew", Gloval said, "Come to
the ship, Ranma. You'll later tell me what happened to you." Ranma
nodded,
and Gloval turned to Roy, "Bring Ranma back safely, Commander." There was
no
time to take Ranma to the shelters back in Macross. Besides, if the enemy
was as dangerous as he thought, then Ranma would as safe in the SDF-1 as
anywhere else.
"You can tell me later what happened to you"
All right, it sounds more natural.
"Bring Ranma here safely, Commander" (Ranma hasn't been on the ship
yet,
so he can't be brought 'back')
Once more, good point. Will fix.
Gloval saw how Lisa clenched her fists, as her eyes narrowed. He made
a mental note to degrade Roy, and proceeded to think of ways to overcome
the
current crisis.
"He made a mental note to repremand Roy, and"
Well, as I told Morgan, you shouldn't take this seriously... I'll make it
clearer in the revision.
"I'll leave you in the Captain's quarters. Stay there. The Captain
will probably have to stay at the bridge for a while, but I'll let him
know
you're waiting for him, 'kay?" said Roy, accelerating. The engine roared,
and the green and brown troop vehicle raced into yet another empty
compartment.
"I'll drop you off near the Captain's quarters"
Right. Will use.
�Umm, where would be this 'bridge' place?� asked Ranma to himself. He
didn't know anything about spaceships--or about ships in general, for
that
matter. The only bridges he knew were the ones built over a river...
"Um, where would this 'bridge' place be?"
Okay again... You don't like the double 'm' neither? ^_^
"That will be all, Lisa!" Gloval cut in, hotly.
'Hotly' implies a loss of control. How about "Gloval cut in, firmly"
instead?
That sounds more like him, you're right.
"Serves her right," muttered Ranma under his breath. Gloval glared at
him, and Ranma decided that being quiet was the most intelligent thing to
do. Seeing this, Gloval turned around and sullenly headed to his seat.
Same thing with 'sullenly'. It has the wrong connotations for the
situation. It makes him sound like a spoiled child.
Um, yeah, I agree. I'll use another adverb.
The seconds slowly ticked away as everyone waited in complete silence
once again. After what looked like a year, Claudia, the SDF-1's
brown-faced
Bridge Officer, began the countdown: "We will enter fold in ten
seconds...
nine..."
Um... I really think you should come up with a better description of
her
skin tone than "brown-faced"!!!!
Heh. I swear I read that one somewhere! It just came to my mind while
writing. Don't worry, I'll think of something.
"I hate you," said quietly Lisa, looking at Ranma from the corner of
her eye.
"said Lisa quietly"
ARGH! Third people to point that out. When so much people notices the same
error, you really screwed up, ne? ^_^
A glove of energy surrounded the SDF-1, so bright that hundreds of
sailors--witnessing the event from the supercarriers Prometheus and
Daeladus--were blinded by it and forced to close their eyes. With the
same
intensity as a hundred supernovas, the glove expanded, soon containing
the
whole island of Macross. The city, the harbour, the shelters; all of them
were swallowed by the white energy and lost in an ocean of light.
"A globe of energy"
"the globe expanded"
Yeahyeah. Wrong 'globe'. It kinda sounded like a gigantic hand had grabed
the ship, ne? ^_^
"soon covering the whole island"
Um, but the globe didn't cover the Macross, it enveloped it.
In American English, it's spelled "harbor". Since you aren't using
British spelling anywhere else, you should probably change that.
Ouch. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of the differences. Especially if
you've learned both.
All in all, a pretty good chapter. I'll be waiting for the copy you
want me to post.
And THAT'S a good reader, my fellow FFMLers. Thanks for the comments, Larry.
I owe you.
Bye and good luck,
Latin_D