This is my first C&C on this list...(besides my random spammy-spammy fics),
so I'm trying my best to be good and nice and helpful...
BTW - My personal writing style is flowery and direct (what would you expect
froma man whose greatest influences are Dave Barry, Issac Asimov, and
Shakespeare.) Reconcile that! Booger.
Chas and others - Storywide comments at end, sectional comments in text.
The disclaimer. Practically every character here is NOT mine. They all
belong to their respective company. I am using a lot of them, so I can't
list them all. Beside, I am gonna add more series to the story later on.
Don't sue me. You won't get a penny out of me. Trust me, you won't. For
others, there are SOME characters I made up, but who cares? I don't.
Okay.
Ranma Crossover fanfic
first fanfic alert!!!
draft alert!!!
and...
Ah heck, read at your own risk.
Yes.
STALLION
Prologue.
Setsuna was, like always, alone. She was, like always, sitting in front
of
Time Gate. She was, however, unlike always, disturbed. It took a lot to
even flinch the Senshi of Time, so it would be very safe to say now that
there was a trouble coming, a very big one at that. The worst part was
that
even Sailor Pluto didn't know what it was. She didn't see anything
through
the Gate, or receive a warning from her future self like before. All she
got was her intuition. She could feel that there was something coming,
something big. She was rarely wrong, especially involving future. After
all, that's what she has been doing for milleniums. Of course, she was
rarely confused, too. This never happened before. The part that was
really
confusing was that whatever was coming, it wasn't threatening, but
rather...
familiar? Setsuna sighed deeply. Only if she knew what it was...
This is difficult to digest as a whole. This "like always; unlike always"
thing is cute, but reads poorly. (Oh, and if you want a stock opening, this
is one. It isn't a bad thing, just very common.) Also, you could vary your
wording. Almost every sentence starts with the word "She".
[Suggest] - Change "She didn't see...something big." to something akin to:
"All that she had to help her was her intuition, finely tuned as it was. No
warning came from a future Pluto, and the gates would not permit her to see
anything."
I also think you need a break between the viewpoint switches. See the
end for more on this.
It was a perfect morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing,
and
it was so quiet around the house. Too quiet. Ironically, this silence
was
what woke up one Akane Tendo.
At least it wasn't a typical Nerimian morning.
She slowly sat up in her bed, with extreme tiredness on her face, with a
hint of confusion. For a past year, she could never finish her sleep in
peace. This problem began since the day Ranma arrived at Tendo Dojo.
Every
morning, the Saotomes would "spar" in the Tendo yard, until one of them,
or
sometimes both of them, fell in the pond. So it was needless to say Akane
was somewhat feeling uncomfortable not waking up to the noise she was
accustomed over the year.
[suggest] With a hint of confusion and strong signs of fatigue upon her
face, Akane slowly began to sit up in her bed.
Akane turned her head, and looked at the yard through her bedroom window.
Nobody. It was quite, as it always was before Ranma. She could begin to
like this peace, she thought, but then she became curious. What's going
on?
Quiet. Unless you were saying that it is very much like it always had been
before Ranma came.
She went out of her room, and stared down the hallway. Then she alked
towards the guestroom, where Ranma and his father stayed. When her hand
reached the doorknob, she froze and frowned a little at a thought. If any
of other household member saw this, there surely will be a problem. She
will never hear the end of it about visiting her "fiancee's" room so early
in the morning. She hesitated for a while. But the curiosity got the
better of her, as she slowly turned the doorknob, and opened the door.
Walked. Keep an eye on your tense in the story. You did a past to present
switch here.
She peeked into the room. Genma was in his panda form. Times like this
made
Akane wonder whether the elder Saotome really hated his curse. He has
stayed in the form as much as his normal form, if not more. He snored
really loud in either form, she noted. She gritted her teeth as she
remembered how much she suffered through the Anything-goes Art of Saotome
Snoring before she finally got used to it. Her room was far away from the
guest room, too.
Anything Goes.
Then she noticed that Ranma's futon was empty.
'Where did that baka go this early in the morning?'
Is this a thought, or a statement? Use quotation marks if Akane is speaking
out loud, and something other than apostrophes if she's thinking.
Somewhat annoyed, she slowly closed the door. She didn't know why the
elder
Saotome wasn't up yet, and she didn't even have a slightest idea how Ranma
woke up so early, and why. He never woke up before his dad, and sometimes
he slept till somebody splashed him(by Genma, or Akane, depending to the
circumstances), or glomped on him(by Shampoo, or occasionally, Happosai).
heh. This could be done better.
[Suggest] ...didn't have any idea how or why Ranma woke up so early. He
never woke up before Genma, and usually just slept until his dad or she
dumped a bucket of water on him. Or, in other cases, when Shampoo or
Happosai glomped him. Akane stifled a laugh at the thought of Happosai on
Ranma-chan again.
Then Akane slowly began to worry. For the past month, Ranma hasn't been
himself. Sure, he still fought with Kuno, Ryoga, Mousse, and just about
anyone who just happened to pass by and challenged him(she was a little
annoyed at the thought.). He still was a insensitive baka, insulting her
and her cooking(she fumed at this thought.). He still was a pervert,
stringing along all his 'fiancees'(she fumed even more at this thought.).
But there certainly was difference. He became quieter, and somewhat
depressed.
Ranma...depressed? Duh da dun. Try and figure out some way to lose the
parentheses. They're lousy.
For instance, his recent fights with Ryoga was half-hearted. While Ranma
still emerged victorious, he got hurt more often from it, since he put
less
effort into it. Even with Mousse, instead of beating him to pulp, Ranma
simply splashed him as soon as possible, and just kicked him away. Oh,
but
he still beat up Kuno like always, which indicates that at least he wasn't
going insane.
Grammar, and figure out someway to make this so that we're reading Akane's
thoughts. This goes for the other focus characters as well. This paragraph
reads like an Essay
(Washu: Today, students, I want you to write an essay on Ranma's recent
fights with Ryoga...)
Even with his insulting, Ranma was getting less and less mean. Heck,
sometimes instead of opening his big mouth, he just rolled his eyes nd
walked away. While Akane was still offended in some degree, Ranma was not
offending enough for Akane to pent out her anger on him. It was really
frustrating for Akane. These days, her temper lost its only way out.
I don't think so...she'd still hit bricks, and I don't think Ranma would be
completely free of her wrath. Also, she'd probably wallop him for rolling
his eyes.
This change in Ranma didn't go unnoticed by his other suitors, apparently.
After all, it was not that hard to notice. Ranma was now less active. He
spoke less, and was in deep thoughts more often than, well, ever! Also,
he
seemed to have lost his grand appetite, as if it was possible. He began
to
turn down the offer for free food! This came to as a great shock not only
to his fiancees, but to everyone who knows him. This apparent change
brought down more changes in the actions of his future prospects for his
wife.
Woah...Ranma is really screwed up. Must be something crazy wild major goin
down.
First of all, Shampoo became less aggressive. She no longer put down her
bike on Ranma's head. Instead, she just drove it around Ranma, giving him
a
smile. But it was obvious she was troubled. While she still brought free
ramen for Ranma, she stopped putting the literally 'magical ingredient'
into
them. Somehow, it was as if this slight depression of Ranma rubbed off on
her. Shampoo became less cheerful, and became more polite, like if she
was
afraid of him. Akane could guess that Shampoo was worried that this
sudden
change in Ranma's attitude was due to her tempering with the wedding
attempt
by her father and Genma. Even though Ranma forgave her, he gave her a
serious warning about what he would do if there was another exploding food
attempt at Akane. While Akane believed Ranma entirely forgave
Shampoo(much
to Akane's annoyance), Shampoo didn't seemed to, nor could.
'Well, serves her right!'
Thought? Speech?
Akane was more worried about Ukyou's reaction. She became more cheerful,
and acted more friendly towards Ranma now. But Akane could see the
difference. While Akane was not a mind-reader, she could feel some
desparation in Ukyou's actions. In fact, it was too well obvious. Ukyou
now went overboard with showing her affection, as if she felt that Ranma
would leave her if she didn't. Akane felt a little sorry for Ukyou.
Unlike
Shampoo, Ukyou's claim on Ranma was valid in the views of both parties,
even
in the views of Tendos. But it also meant that Ukyou was aware of how
vaild
Tendon's claim is, too. Akane almost married Ranma. Almost. Forced or
not, Ukyou was being dangerously out-manuevered, and she knew it. All in
all, Ukyou just loved Ranma so much. She couldn't AND didn't want to lose
Ranma...
Kodachi was still around, but nobody cared.
How about her?
Akane froze. This question always popped in her head everytime she thought
about Ranma. In a way, an already answered question. However, she still
couldn't stop asking that question over and over again. It was only thing
she could do to forget about other, or rather others' problem. No matter
how rude he is, how insensitive he is, Ranma was hers. He was her
pervert.
She didn't want to lose him. Even though she would have to break lot of
hearts, she wouldn't let him go. Because, because, she lo, lo, lo...
This is definately a thought. Try it like this
<How about you?>
Akane froze, as that same question came up again, the one that appeared
each time she thought of Ranma. In some ways, she already knew the answer,
but that never stopped her subconcious from repeating the query over and
over.
<No matter how rude he is, how insensitive, he's mine! I don't care how
many hearts I might break when I get him, I will get him! I lo...lo...like
him a lot!>
"Whatcha doing?"
"EEEEK!! DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT, RANMA!!!"
POW!!
"What did do nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww~"
Sayeth the magical appearing boy. Good, by the way, as this is from Akane's
viewpoint, and if she was that deep in thought, then the sudden appearace of
Ranma works well.
[Suggest] "What did I do nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww~"
There he is, or rather, there he goes. Well, he still is a jerk. What
was
he thinking? Sneaking up on her like that, when she was thinking by
herself. Really. With that thought, Akane dropped her mallet on Genma's
head, who just happened to wake up from that noise, then go right back to
sleep by the same method now his son was flying. A bit pouting, Akane
left
the room. Now, in the room, there was only a knocked-out panda...
She's thinking here directly again, not just doing description for us, so
make sure you thought-quote it out.
[Suggest] Pouting a bit,...
[Suggest]-----------------------------------
One fact is known throughout the universe, you do not want to see an angry
Washu. Of course, you do not want to see a HAPPY Washu, either,
especially
when she has you tied up in the experimental pod hanging on the ceiling.
Sadly, Tenchi was in that very situation. Even more sadly, or rather,
horrifyingly, Washu was MAD. The Light Hawk was now in a deep trouble,
and
he knew it. There she was, the smartest, and the maddest, genius
scientist
in the universe, typing frantically on her floating keyboard, with a frown
that could melt an iceberg by just telling the ice about it. Whatever it
was, Washu was disturbed by it, and it was REALLY REALLY bad.
What is this Light Hawk? Washu actually caught one? Coolness.
"Um, Washu-CHAN? Are you okay?"
Washu made no reply, still busy with her keyboard. Knowing well about an
upset female(after all, he lives with three of them, very powerful ones at
that), Tenchi kept his mouth shut. He was still alive, and he wanted to
keep it that way. Beside, Washu can take care of her own problem, can't
she?
"I don't understand."
Of course, you don't hear that coming out of her mouth everyday, either.
Three? Ayeka, Ryoko, Mihoshi, Sasami, Ryo-ohki, Ayeka, and possibly Kiyone?
That's seven. You did a quick viewpoint switch here, from Washu to Tenchi
and back. Who is telling this part of the story? Washu? Tenchi?
"Um, what do you mean?"
"I don't understand this."
"Um, hehe, ano, what are you talking about?"
"......"
Uh-oh.
"AAAAAAACCKKKKKKKKK!!! This doesn't make sense at all!!!"
"EEEEEEEP!"
"Why can't I find out what this is?!?"
Then Washu did very unusal thing for her. She smashed the keyboards. By
that, the keyboard did very usual thing for one being smashed. It
malfunctioned. By that, Tenchi was in a very usual situation for him. In
BIG trouble.
Foreseeing ouches.
"HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!"
The pod then turned into a torture chamber. It stretched, shrank,
twisted,
and spinned. Tenchi, still being tied to it, stretched, shrank, twisted,
and spinned with it, making unholy sounds in every part of his body.
CRACK! CRUNCH! POW! CRASH!
"OW! OUCH! AACK! KEK! UMPH!"
All the while, Washu was oblivious to the outside noise, as she was in a
deep thought.
Yep, there they are.
'What is this disturbance? What is this thing my sensors keep picking up?
I thought it was Tenchi-dono at first, but his data shows he hasn't
changed
at all. Somehow, somewhere on this planet, there was a huge energy
surplus
that almost broke my sensors. Only thing I could think of was the Juraian
Power growing inside of Tenchi-dono, but it wasn't! What could possibly
affect my machines so much? Whatever, it is, I will find it! After all,
I
am the greatest genius...'
"Mommy..."
"...mommy in the universe!! Huh? That didn't come out right. Who was
that? OOPSIE."
Washu turned around to find Tenchi, still in the pod, now the bottom part
stretched out, the top part shrank down, all the while twisting and
spinning. Washu hurriedly turned off the machine. When it finally
stopped
twisting and spping, the pod was dangling in the ceiling only by a strand
of
string. He was already passed out, thankfully. However, when he wakes
up,
he's definitely gonna feel it.
Snap!
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!
Yep, he's definitely gonna feel it.
Now you changed viewpoints again to third person omniscient. Again, see the
bottom for more on viewpoints
[Suggest] ------------------------------
"Urd-neesan."
"Huh? Why?"
"Are you sure this is the place where that mysterious power source is?"
"How many time do I have to tell you? YES, I AM SURE!"
"THEN WHY ISN'T THERE ANYTHING HERE?!?"
"Um, that is..."
The goddess of the past, and self-proclaimed goddess of love(despite not
being able to solve her own love problem), was lost in words. It wasn't
her
style to plan ahead, so she was stuck here in downtown Tokyo, being glared
by Skuld right now.
"Also, why can't Belldandy-neesan come with us? I know she has some
houseworks to do, but I really don't think we should leave her alone with
Keiichi!"
"Ah, come on. He isn't that bad. Beside, what could possibly happen?
This
is Keiichi we are talking about."
"Well, you are right. But still..."
"Just forget about it and let's look for that source. I am sure they will
be fine."
Conversation good. Urd is too grammatically correct here, however.
They better be more than fine, Urd thought. It wasn't that often those
two
can be by themselves. It was especially hard when Belldandy's
over-protective younger sister was around. That was the reason Urd
brought
Skuld with her so they can have some "quality" time together. She is such
a
trouble maker, Urd thought as she looked at their youngest sister(as if
you
are not, Urd).
That's a thought!
Then she remembered something and frowned. There was no doubt. This is
the
place where that mysterious power had stopped by. It was about a month
and
a half since she felt the power surge. It was so great, even Skuld was
able
to pick it up(even though it cost her another electrical gadget she was
working on). Belldandy felt it too, and was worried about it for Keiichi.
They called the Office about it too, but their father couldn't give
answer.
'Or wouldn't. What is he hiding?'
That's the correct way to do a thought, although I prefer to use < >
characters.
"Urd-neesan."
"Huh? What is it?"
"Let's go home~."
"Eh? What do you mean? We have only been here for an hour."
"But you can't feel anything, can you? I don't have anything on my sensor
too. Let's come back another day with Belldandy-neesan. She is good at
those kind of things. Neh?"
'Good at only those kind of things. If she was good at EVERYTHING then I
wouldn't have to bring YOU around...'
"Urd-neesan?"
"Okay, fine. Let's go home. We are not finding anything anyway."
"Yay!"
Urd's too correct sounding again.
With that, Skuld ran toward the closest water puddle. Sighing, Urd turned
to the nearest TV shop. It was true. She couldn't find anything anyway.
Even though she was sure that the one with the mysterious power came to
this
part of the town, she couldn't pinpoint the exact location. In fact, the
entire point of this search was mainly to give Keiichi some time alone
with
Belldandy. If they DID find some info, it would have been the additional
benefit.
'Yeah, as if things would be THAT easy.'
She rolled her eyes as the thought crossed her mind, and she walked
through
the big TV screen, not noticing the wide-eyed salesperson staring at her
disappearing into the TV.
"KEIICHI! WHAT DID YOU DO TO BELLDANDY-NEESAN!?!"
"No, nothing! I swear! This is just misunderstanding!!"
"LIAR! WHY ELSE WOULD BANPEI-KUN ATTACK YOU??"
"I don't know! I swear! I really didn't do anything!!"
Urd sighed, as she heard Skuld's shouting and Keiichi's whimpering as she
arrived at the living room through their TV. Banpei. Forgot about that.
She should have done something with it. It seems that Keiichi failed at
another romantic attempt... Typical day at home, Urd mused.
"KEIICHI, YOU PERVERT!"
KONG!
"Ouch!!!!"
"Oh, Skuld, you are back. KEIICHI-SAN! Are you okay?"
Typical day indeed...
Belldandy also sounds a little too uptight there. Mostly everyone, with the
exception of the Kunos (or other stuck up upper crust characters) will use
contractions. For example:
YES:
Kuno: I am Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, and the
greatest moron in all of Japan.
Ranma: I'm surprised, Kuno. Looks like you finally got yourself a clue.
NO:
Kuno: Yo. Wassup, I'm Tatchi Kuno, the Blue Thunda of Furinkan, and one
hep cat.
Ranma: My dear chap, you are most undignified.
It just doesn't work any other way, unless the characters are different,
such as in alternate universes.
At the same time, inside a downtown TV shop,
"Sir! A woman, blonde, gorgeous, tanned, TV, big screen, walk,
disappeared,
a woman, gorgeooooouuus, DISAPPEARED, TV!!!!!"
"Sigh. Kasuke. Didn't I tell you not to drink so much last night? Why
don't you take a break?"
"Not, beer, drink, TV, gorgeous!!!!"
"I know our TV's are gorgeouse. That's our shop name. 'Gorgeous TV's.'"
"Not, woman, big, screen, breast, a woman!"
"You need a girlfriend, Kasuke."
heh.
Prologue ends.
This isn't bad. It's been done before, sure (and it will be done again, I'm
working on mine at the moment), but there are some things that really need
work.
Grammar - The grammar is so-so. If it can be fixed, the story will be able
to flow much easier and it will keep a persons interest for slightly longer.
Bad grammar can destroy a good story. Also, it's not an essay. The "first
of all; then; next" are annoying.
Point of View - You are writing from a third-person limited point of view.
It's nice, and straightforward, and easy to write, and you've pretty much
got it down pat as none of your focus characters thus far (Pluto, Akane,
Washu, and Urd) reveal any thoughts but their own (Akane reveals what she
thinks others are thinking about). This is all nice and good...but when you
switch characters, give some sort of break in between each character.
instead of:
'Or wouldn't. What is he hiding?'
"Urd-neesan."
make it:
'Or wouldn't. What is he hiding?'
---------------------
"Urd-neesan."
Why? The viewpoint change lets us see many different characters, but no
breaks makes it hard to read and confusing. For more on viewpoints (check
out the differences between limited and omniscient third-person views. I
noticed you switched between the two sometimes), take a gander at Gary
Kleppe's essay:
http://www.sofaspud.org/couch/Article/kleppe/viewpoint.shtml
----------------------------------
Jerry / Patch Monkey
Lord of Darkness, Brenin of Light
Reverend of the ULC
maddhatter@earthling.net jlevine@wam.umd.edu
http://maddhatter.cjb.net
"You can find true love in the Konan Empire,
but no fast food." - Miaka's Lesson
Hi. Pleased to meet you. I'm a man of wealth and
taste. I've been around for many years, and I've
stolen many a man's soul and faith. Hope you can
guess my name.