Snipped where no argument or entertaining commentary. :j
C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Contains gratuitous sexual innuendo and obscure references.
I would be stunned into immobility if there weren't. :)
I have not read any of the other C&C, so if there's a duplication
of comments, it means you *really* need to fix the problem. If
there's a duplication of jokes it's because the other person couldn't
think of anything original. ;)
...
:)
I'll spare you the comments on the use of Japanese and Italian.
ITALIAN?
Kimiko: Lasagna, Senori Hibiki?
Ryouga: Graci.
Ranma: Ii tenki, desu ne? ACK!!!
*WHAM! WHAMWHAM!!*
Ranma is buried under a pile of boccie balls for her Japanese-in-Italian.
(You have to admit I went substantially easier on the Japanese in this one.
:j )
Hmmm... This opening is too artsy-fartsy for my tastes
(to use a technical term). Especially the gratuitous use
of a subordinate clause in the middle of the first sentence.
Hmmm, the subordinate clause can easily be, er, ordinated? :)
> The breeze ruffled the black hair and the sunlight warmed the
bronzed skin of
> a man sitting on a bench, set in from the sidewalk encircling a
large traffic
> square. The square was a meadow of sprouting green in an urban forest of
> concrete and glass, such structures slowly overtaking even the more
> traditional and warmer constructions of wood and plaster. The man
was, as was
> his wont, lost, but he'd long since burned out his anger over
that state of
> being, and one traffic square was as good as the next.
RYOGA: No no, I was *frustrated* about being lost. I was angry
about Ranma ruining my life. Fortunately I got over that.
RANMA: [glancing down at fic] How do you define "ruining one's life"?
This one threw me. I understand it, but I can't compose a complementary
response. ^_^;;
[...]
> Out of long habit, he jumped at the sound of water splashing on
the ground,
> but he smiled at the familiar but long-unheard shout of an annoyed woman.
>
> "Whaddya do THAT for?! Ba-a-ka!!"
RANMA: Baka is three syllables?
AKANE: Don't be a dummy.
Suggest just drawing the 'a's rather than using a hyphen.
My intention was that the long 'a' be emphasized by a semi-detached
vocalization, like they do in sung Japanese. Well, of course she's not
*singing* it, but... Oh, bother. This is getting too language-intense, anyway.
:)
> At least he now knew the name of this stretch of urban forest.
RYOGA: [wistful] Ah, Kyoto. How long has it been?
Kenshin: Ohayou de gozaru, Ryouga-san.
Ryouga: Hey, Kenshin... ACK!!!
> Cast a Second Line into the Sea
Any relation to "Who's Line Is It?"
Oh... no... Please tell me he didn't... -_-;;;
AKANE, SHAMPOO, UKYO, KODACHI: Got him!
RANMA: [staring at suction-cup covered body] Uh, oh...
SHAMPOO: Aiya! We all hit him?
UKYO: Who's he going to love?
AKANE: All of us evenly?
KODACHI: Not so, for I brought a second magic fishing line!
[pulls out second line and prepares to use it]
RANMA: [in a fit of inspiration, splashes self]
KODACHI: [realizing her line is attached to girl-type's
forehead] Ah!!! Stay away from me! I don't want
a girl to love me!
KUNO: Ah, that's where you put my extra line, Sister!
[casts with two magic fishing rods]
AKANE, SHAMPOO, UKYO, RANMA: Nooo!
[suck] [suck]
Oh, nice sound effects... Gah. ;)
SHAMPOO, UKYO: Thank goodness, he only hit Ranma once!
KUNO: Of course. I would have them both!
[Akane makes an unpleasant discovery]
AKANE, RANMA: Nooo!
UKYO: This is getting confusing...
KODACHI: I will leave you to wallow it your sordid orgy;
I'm leaving, to find my darling Ranma! OHO HO HO HO!
MOUSSE: Shampoo! Look what I bought!
SHAMPOO: Shampoo thinks she will join Kodachi.
KODACHI: I *said* I don't want a girl to love me!
MOUSSE: No, Shampoo! [throws out arms; hundreds of
suction cup fishing lines shoot out from his robe]
SHAMPOO: Aiya! Good thing Mousse have bad eyesight!
[completely devoid of fishing lines, although
KODACHI, UKYO, AKANE, RANMA, KUNO and dozens of
passerbys are not so lucky.]
RANMA: Kill me now.
AKANE: Am I the only one getting turned on by seeing
Ranma tied up in all those lines?
Oh wait, I'm supposed to be C&Cing a fic, here... ^_^;;;
LOL! When you're on a roll, you're on a roll. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
In other news, the intense buildup of love ki in the general vicinity of the
Nerima Ward of Tokyo has dropped national crime levels by 5%. The Diet is
investigating the alleged use of a magical koi rod and is interested in such
artifacts as a means to smooth international relations and squelch the nasty,
unfounded rumors of a trade deficit with the US.
;p
> A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction
cap: Fanfiction
(I wouldn't bring it up, but you use this
capitalization yourself everywhere else.)
Gah... Pick, pick. :) Actually, I think in title areas, I always use the
double capital F.
> By
> D.F. Roeder
>
>
> This and other fanfictions of mine can be found at
> http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html.
RANMA: Isn't fanfiction like moose?
SHAMPOO: Mostly stupid?
MOUSSE: You're so cruel...
RANMA: Er, I meant, isn't fanfiction it's own plural?
/me is shaking in fear at what this exchange means for the state of further
commentary within this missive.
^o^
[...]
> "Oi! Ranma!"
>
> Ranma stopped quickly and looked at him. "RYOUGA!"
Has poor Ryoga been in any of Dave's fics, yet? Perhaps I
should explain to him how they all involve Ranma getting in
touch with his feminine side... Or Nabiki getting in touch
with his feminine side, as the case may be...
Run, boy! Run for the hills!
Have we pointed out that in The Nature of the Curse Ryouga practically fondles
girl-type Ranma in front of her mother, if not for that reason... or was it?
:P
[...]
> Ranma backed up and smiled up at him, embarrassed. "Sorry, man.
I, uh, well...
> Anyway, where the hell ya been, P-chan? What's it been? Jeez, I
lost count!"
> Ranma sat down on the bench next to him, almost insignificant next to his
> size. "It's good ta see ya! Man!"
What is insignificant next to Ryoga's size: Ranma, or the bench?
Hmmm, point.
RANMA: Hey, I'm not small!
AKANE: Would you please stop bragging? And stop sticking out
your chest. Who do you think you are, Sailor Jupiter?
RANMA: REDHEAD MAMMARY POWER MAKE--
*CLONK!*
AKANE: [removing elbow from Ranma's head] None of that!
RANMA: [massaging her... head] Just 'cause YOU can't call on that ain't no
excuse to be hammerin' me!
AKANE: Define 'hammerin'' in this context.
RANMA: ...
> "How?! What...?" Ryouga lapsed mute, staring at the white amongst
the red of
> Ranma's hair.
gram: Ryouga lapsed into silence,
(Lapse is an intransitive verb, so it can't take a direct object.)
O_O I never did do well with the intransitive/transitive bit. *sigh*
AKANE: Is that anything like 'insensitive'?
RANMA: HEY! I am NOT intransen-- insentran-- errr, what?
> The woman barked a bitter laugh. "Same thing that got Mrs. Tendo:
cancer. And
> that after all that Akane and me went through to get together: parents,
> Amazons, umpteen fiancees, Herb, Saffron... Ain't that just too rich?" She
> wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
Suggest rearranging the sentences a bit to get rid of the repeated
colons. A third of the colons that appear in your story appear
here. :j
Heh, okay.
> Ryouga was more than a little surprised when Ranma burst into
tears, slowly
> turned, and buried her face into his chest. Again, he awkwardly
put his arms
> around her, her small body quivering, and let her cry it out. It took far
> longer than he expected, but even after she quieted down, she
wouldn't move.
>
> "Ranma?"
RANMA: You're standing on my foot.
RYOUGA: Oops! [Shifts his foot]
RANMA: Now you're standin' on my OTHER foot!
RYOUGA: ACK!!
RANMA: NOW YER STANDIN' ON MY *HEAD*!
RYOUGA: HAHAAAA! So now the shoe's on the OTHER foot!
RANMA: ... You really gotta work on the puns, Ryouga-chan.
RYOUGA: DON'T CALL ME *CHAN*!!
RANMA: Teehee!
Okay, so I was hurting for material, here! Sheesh!
> "Could... Could ya just, you know... hold me for a while?"
>
> "Errr, ummm, are you permanently a girl or something?"
Smart man, asking that up front! ^_^
The burned hand teaches best. :)
> "No. It's just... you're safe."
RYOGA: I'm safe for you, or I'm safe *from* you?
RANAM: Yes. [nuzzle]
LOL! Yup! That about sums it up. ^_^
> "Oh, ummm... You sure have changed a lot... on the inside, I mean."
RANMA: Oh my! So forward. [moan]
RYOGA: THAT WAS NOT A "TEN-YEN" REFERENCE!!!
RANMA: I'm a 'change'd woman.
RYOUGA: Oh, yuck.
> He looked at Ranma. "P-chan was getting old. The last year or so
that I had
> the curse, almost my whole head as a pig was gray. I remember that a while
> later I fell ill for about a week, stayed in my tent almost the
whole time,
> and then I accidentally splashed myself and nothing happened. I
guess Shampoo
> and Mousse probably experienced the same thing. Or if not yet, they will
> soon."
Unless they're *in* their animal forms when they dies of old age... ^_^;;;
SHAMPOO: Nya?
MOUSSE: Qwa?
This was a subject of some debate with one prereader, but I decided to leave
it. If Ryouga died with the piglet, there wouldn't be a story-- NO COMMENTS,
PLEASE! :)
> "Gee, the place sure hasn't changed much," Ryouga observed, unlacing his
> boots.
Ryoga has boots now? He used to wear shoes.
What would you call those lace-up things? Just 'shoes'?
> They walked down the hall and into the kitchen. Ranma frowned. "Where is
> everybody?" She pushed Ryouga into a chair at the table, keeping her hands
> firmly on his shoulders. "Sit. Don't get up or move."
RANMA: They can sense movement.
GIRL'S-VOICE-1: Do you smell... a boy?
GIRL'S-VOICE-2: It's been so long...
GIRL'S-VOICE-3: Papa's brought us a gift!
GIRL'S-VOICE-4: Are any of you guys hungry?
Wait. They have chairs, now? ^_^
Sure. Too inconvenient to kneel in the kitchen. Someone might trip over you
and pour something scalding down your front and into your lap, initiating all
manner of tittilating and suggestive movement... :P
> Ranma stood there for a long moment, just looking at him.
RANMA: Mine.
KAMI-ONNA-RANMA: Look, I have enough to do already! Ooo, slower, Akane. I
taught you better than that.
AKANE: Mmblgrm.
Uh.... Sorry, I couldn't resist. ^_^;;;;;;
> "What?"
>
> "Uh, nothin'.
^_^
:j
> Just rememberin' some stuff." She removed her hands and hastily
> left the kitchen, absently rubbing the top of one breast.
Remembering the koi-rod, I take it. When he was talking about
Cologne, did he remember his short-lived love with her? ;)
Sure, but it wasn't a good time to bring it, er, up. ;p
> Ryouga wondered what was up with his old rival, but he let the
thought slide
> away. He listened to the calls echoing upstairs. A pair of feet
pounded down
> the stairs, through the hall, and out of the house to the dojo.
Ranma came in
> shortly after, followed by two girls.
>
> "Hey!" Ranma said. "Meet Kimiko, fourteen, and Nodoka, Jr., sixteen."
RANMA: Pick the one you want; she'll be your fian--
> *BOP!*
^_^
*BUZZZ!*
Sorry, Vince beat you to that one in prereading. ^_^
> Ryouga blinked at the two girls, both with flaming red hair, then
started to
> chuckle. The chuckle rose to gut-wrenching laughter when another
set of girls,
> identical to the first two, came in.
Given the average Japanese school girl's need to differentiate her
appearance, I'm wondering what the girls all look like. Different
haircuts, styles of dress...
Probably, but after I apply Gary's suggestions for differentiation, I don't
know how much more I want to add in. I don't want this section to become
unwieldy. Less is more, in this case, I believe.
Or are they clones of each other, to better drive men to distraction?
Gah. This wasn't for fanservice.
DAVE: [in theatrical aside] Good thing he didn't see the original version of
this, hey?
VINCE: *nodnods*
;j
[...]
> "Remember, Atsuko-chan," Ranma called. "Ryouga's like a rock. If
he gets his
> hands on ya, you're done for. Keep your distance and keep your speed."
ATSUKO: Explain to me again exactly how it's dangerous
if a rock gets its hands on you? [rolls eyes]
That passage has caused me more complaint... :) Okay, will revise again.
> "Hai, Papa-san!"
>
> "GO, NUKU-NUKU!!" Ranko cheered.
Ranma looked at Ranko and shook his head. The girls had tried to
explain to him where the nickname came from. Something about an
old TV show. For some reason, though, he always blanked out when
trying to remember their description of the character.
Hehehe.
By the way, the use of "Papa" sounds weird. I'm used to either
"Father," "Dad," or "Daddy." Papa is just... well... French.
Well, as Elsa pointed out, it is used. Right off the top of my head I can
think of Mayuka from Manatsu no Eve (Tenchi, for those of you who aren't
familiar with it). There are others, but they escape me at the moment.
I know you won't change it, but I wanted to make sure you were
aware of it. Vince won't get rid of his "Mama"s, either...
Heh.
> Ranma just put her head in her hands and shook both, while
Atsuko's sisters
> started laughing. Ryouga gently lowered her to the ground. "Well,
you've got
> real promise, Atsuko-chan, but don't go on the circuit just yet."
Atsuko: Eh? But Nuku-Nuku is already "on the circuit"...
SKULD: [pops out of a teacup] OW! HOT! HOT! Uh, didn't someone say
'circuit'?
> "I haven't had a good workout in ages," Ranma said as she faced off with
> Ryouga, flexing her hands and making her knuckles crack with a sound like
> distant gunshots. Her daughters were watching raptly; this was
one of their
> bedtime stories come to life.
"And then the Prince swept the girl off her
feet, taking her into his bed chambers..."
In the Saotome household?! Come on!! ;)
> They engaged again, with similar sound effects, but a bright
flash of light
> sent Ryouga rocketing through the side of the dojo and embedded him in the
> stone wall surrounding the compound. Four young redheads peered
through the
> man-shaped hole to see Ryouga dusting himself off unconcernedly.
He started to
> walk off, but the girls called to him. He stopped, turned around, and
> scratched the back of his head. "Heh."
RYOGA: That hit affected me more than I thought. I'm seeing four
of you, Ranma. I guess I don't need to hold back anymore.
Prepare yourself!
[Chorus of "Eep!"s]
LOL!
ATSUKO: Scatter! He'll get confused and not know which of us to follow!
RANKO: Wouldn't that make him realize that he's not just seeing quadruple?
ATSUKO: Uh...
RYOUGA: [grabs all four in a crushing hold] TOO LATE!!! NOW I'VE GOT ALL
OF... you... Um...
ATSUKO: Well? Are you just going to stand there or do something?
RYOUGA: [shrugs and heads upstairs]
I though of a further line, but I don't want to burn too hotly. :)
> Ranma batted his hand away. "Gah. That little love tap?" She
started to walk
> off, but stopped after one step, reaching around and rubbing the
small of her
> back. "Oooo, I'm gonna feel that in the mornin'."
RANMA: Good thing I plan to have a man to comfort me when I wake up.
RYOGA: Uh, what?
RANMA: Uh, good thing I stand to have a fan comfort me when I walk up.
RYOUGA: [wanders off, scratching his head]
> "So where are we goin' on our date?" she said, smiling coyly.
>
> Frowning, he said, "Ranma, what's gotten into you?"
RANMA: Nothing's gotten into me... Yet. [wink]
RYOUGA: [holds up a coin]
RANMA: WAI!!
:P Too easy, I know.
> "I just don't care anymore if I'm a man or a woman." She turned
away, biting
> her lip, then sighed. "Do you think I'm... pretty?"
RYOGA: Old hag.
RANMA: WAAAAHHH!!
*WHAM!* [mallets Ryouga]
RANMA: Gee, now I know why Akane felt so much better after a session with the
hammer. [Walks off, humming a jaunty tune.]
> Ryouga halted all movement, filled with the sudden urge to flee.
It's a perfectly good urge. Too bad no one in Dave's
fics can ever *act* upon that urge... [shakes head sadly]
Teehee!
> "So you decided to be *both* mother and father."
>
> "Yup. At least the best I could. Hell, it's only a splash away,
heh. It was
> so... unfair. I didn't want 'em growin' up with the same kinda
problems Akane
> and her sisters had.
Now they'll have completely different problems...
Remember what Tolstoy said...
NODOKA: I want a girl just like the girl Mother married!
A girl walks up. "Hi! I'm Mizuno Ami. Is, errr, there a Saotome Ranma here?
... Why are you looking at me like that?"
NODOKA: Heh.
> She laughed again, but then said, more seriously, "I'm lonely,
Ryouga. A big
> hole was torn outta me, and now... I'm havin' trouble."
I know what you mean, but... You get a hole after you
tear something out. You don't tear out the hole *itself*.
I understand, but it feels right in the dialogue for Ranma to say it
incorrectly.
> "Nah, it's okay." She blew out her cheeks and sat down next to
him on the roof
> peak. "I don't know which was scarier: Mom for suggestin' it or Nabiki for
> actually bein' interested."
"Cast a Second Line...": direct sequel to "Ten Yen"? You decide!
NABIKI: Naw. I couldn't stuff the whole house and dojo in--
RANMA: Watch it, 'Sister'!
> "And I assume she doesn't interest you at all."
>
> Ranma gave him a half-lidded stare.
RYOGA: Wow! You do that just like Nabiki! Did she teach
you how to do that when you're in bed with each other?
...
Time for a new joke.
:)
> "Yeah... there is." Ranma slid down and lay back against the
still-warm roof
> tiles, gazing up at the city-lit clouds scudding by. "I blame
her, Ryouga, for
> holdin' me an' Akane back. For gettin' in the way so much; that
first weddin'
> wasn't the only stunt she pulled... I blame her for *shortening*
Akane's and
> my time together. I forgave her, but I will *never* forget it."
"A man forgets but never forgives. A woman..." ;)
I guess I'm pretty ambivalent about this. You've made a good argument,
but I don't see how it contributes to the story. Nabiki shows up, but
immediately disappears again. Ranma gripes.
You could have just as easily not addressed her at all. Or brought up
the marriage idea from the parents but say that neither one of them had
been interested. Or send Nabiki off to the states sooner.
I guess I just don't like to see characters bad-mouthed, even with
justification. [shrug]
I understand your feelings about this, but this story doesn't really have more
than just a dash original flavor, I guess. It's got grittier aspects to it,
and Nabiki hovering in the wings for the wrong reasons is an element of the
forces that are pushing or shaping Ranma to a particular story conclusion.
> "Tell me about it!" Ranma sat up, yawned, and then stood. She held out her
> hand. "C'mon, Ryouga-chan, and we'll put you to bed."
suggest: and we'll bed you. I mean, take you
in bed. I mean take you *to* bed.
(Or not. ;)
Not... yet. You'll have to wait for the next ratings sweeps. :)
[...]
> He shivered unconsciously; the ancestor-spirit beliefs of his homeland had
> always unnerved him a bit, but if Akane was really there...
This sounds a little weird. "Beliefs of his homeland?"
That implies that it's not Japan, or else he'd just say
something along the lines of "the idea that that one's
ancestors' spirits..."
Hmmm, will consider.
> Ryouga grimaced and looked away for a moment. "That... didn't work out."
>
> "Oh? All them pigs get to ya?"
RYGOA: You heard about "the incident", then? There were so many
of them, and as a pig, I was just too small to prevent them
from having their way with me... [sniffle]
RANMA: [thinking] EWWW!! [ALOUD] Well, uh, nice seein' ya again! Ja!
RYOUGA: ... WAAAH!!! Now I'm all depressed again, and after having walked all
of twelve steps away from it! WAAAAHHH!!!
> He sighed and laughed Ranma's bitter laugh. "You couldn't talk to
her about
> important things. She had this idea of how her life should go, down to the
> last detail. She made allowances for P-chan, of course, but that
really only
> made it more perfect for her. Does that make any sense?"
RANMA: Yeah. On a completely unrelated note, don't start dating Ukyo.
Heh.
> "Yeah, I think I see what ya mean."
>
> "When we got down to the nitty-gritty, trying to accommodate each
other, build
> something together, it really fell apart. Other than the
requirement that her
> husband defeat her champion pig, her grandfather catered to her
every whim. He
> ruined her, really."
I just can't see this in Akari. She seemed willing to do anything;
make any sacrifice for Ryoga. After all, she loves pigs, but was
was going to learn to hate them for Ryoga's sake. Heck, she even
had Katsunishiki beat her up!
Maybe it's the willingness to do anything for him which is the turn
off. I've seen a similar argument used to explain why Ranma doesn't
like Kodachi. The knowledge that she'd do *anything* for him is just
too scary.
It's been my experience that some people with the "I'd do anything for you"
state of mind can entertain highly structured fantasies about how it will all
be, and they can react, er, unfavorably to most attempts at compromise, which
might endanger their expectations. It's a weird dichotomy. Granted, I'm
extending her personality significantly on my own, but with a future-setting
and for the needs of the story, it's unavoidable.
> "Ucchan's married and livin' back in Kansai. Haven't heard from
her in ages...
> not since her weddin' anouncement, anyway. Never heard of the guy before.
> After me and Akane's weddin', she just kinda wandered off."
sp: announcement
EEK! Will fix.
(Man, it's hard to find typos, what with the spell check
software underlining Ranma's sloppy language everywhere...)
Sorry. ^_^;;;
> "Mmmm. Tough business."
>
> "Yeah, I felt bad, but I couldn't satisfy everybody's honor, and
there wasn't
> any other choice I wanted ta make."
suggest: couldn't satisfy everyone, and
(There's no need to being up honor; i never comes up in Ranma.)
You've presented the honor argument before, and I can't really agree with it.
It's what gets Ranma into the mess he's in in the first place. Even if
unspoken, it's driving a lot of character actions that bear directly on Ranma
and the others, and I simply can't believe that Ranma isn't aware of it at
some conscious level. Also, don't forget what country in which all of this is
taking place. Heh, you'd have an easier time taking the Colorado out of John
Denver.
[...]
> "Don't matter. Whether they like it or not, I'll probably be
namin' Atsuko as
> heir to the combined ryuu; not whatever man she ends up marrying."
I don't know what ryuu means, but I nonetheless have the
sneaking suspicion that maybe it should be capitalized?
In this case, 'school', and it wouldn't be capitalized here because it isn't a
proper noun.
[...]
> "Never took her on a training trip, then? No Jusenkyou?" Ryouga
added with a
> smirk.
>
> "That *has* crossed my mind, believe it or not, but with four daughters ta
> keep track of..."
RANMA: Excuse me, miss. Have you seen a little redheaded girl anywhere.
WOMAN: [points at Atsuko, behind Ranma]
RANMA: Ah, no. Have you seen *another* redheaded girl?
WOMAN: [points to Nodoka, also behind Ranma]
RANMA: [sighs]
Alternate scenario...
RANMA: WAIT! GIRLS!! DON'T RUN HERE!!!
Four redheads get their feet tangled and they all fall into the same spring.
After a moment, eight redheads emerge.
RANMA: [face in hands] Oh, my bleedin' ancestors!
HIMIKO: [thinking] Hmmm, *two* Nodokas...
:P
> "I'm a woman today, so ladies, I'll be hittin' ya plenty when we
spar." She
> was greeted with an assortment of chuckles and groans. Ranma
smirked at them,
> and then turned her attention to the side.
Since when did Ranma differentiate between hitting girls when he was a
boy, and hitting them when he was a girl? He didn't hit girls because
he didn't think it was right. It didn't matter who was doing the
hitting...
Aside from Elsa's argument, Ranma *is* teaching regularly. I think it safe to
suppose that Ranma has managed some kind of work-around to the no-hitting on
girls. Doing so as a girl seems to be the logical choice.
> "Oi! You developed a ki attack based on something other than depression!"
> Ranma splashed hot furo water at his friend. "What emotion?"
>
> "Would you believe... calm?"
>
> "EH?!?! Calm is NOT an emotion!"
>
> Ryouga studied his fingernails for a moment. "It... can be, under
the right
> circumstances."
This reader disagrees. ^_^
I can see calm lending an immunity to ki attacks (ala the Shishi
Hokodan), but not as a source of ki. Maybe he's just gotten to
the point where he doesn't need strong emotions to focus his ki.
I can see your point, but if he doesn't need strong emotion to focus his ki,
then what's left that isn't strong? Seems to be 'calm'. Granted, it's probably
not an emotion per se, but for the purposes of focusing his ki, I believe he
could conceivably consider calm in the same light. The notion of it would
provide the focus.
Technically, no, it doesn't provide the ki; just the focus for it. For the
purposes of the dialogue, though, it works okay, I believe. At any rate,
Ryouga qualifies it by saying that it can be, under the right circumstances.
> Ryouga fidgeted, looking embarrassed, but then he sighed and
eased a little fu
> rther into the water. He looked across to see Ranma's eyes
gleaming at him in
> great curiosity, the gleam highlighted by the streak of white
hair against the
> black.
Hmm. Weird line wrap on "further". Don't know if that was you or me.
It wasn't that way in the original file. Emailer glitch, I suppose.
> "Before we ran into each other yesterday, how would you have
described me?"
>
> "Well, depressed... and angry... a lot."
RANMA: ...Cute fangs. Nice butt...
RYOGA: I don't want to hear this!
RANMA: Oops! Did I say that? *piku... piku*
RYOUGA: [bigsweats even more]
[...]
> Ranma choked off a laugh, but Ryouga just grinned. "I can joke
about it now,
> but then, it just made me worse. I started generating a LOT of
depression ki,
> with some serious, good old Tendou-style anger ki in good measure."
What the heck is "depression ki" and "anger ki"? Those are emotions used
to generate ki (well, depression, anyway). They're not *types* of ki.
Then how do you explain the different characteristics of the Shishi Houkoudan
versus the Mouko Takabisha? Ranma was able to avoid the adverse effects of the
Shishi Houkoudan by staying calm, IIRC. (Hmmm...) Does that work for the Mouko
Takabisha, as well? I don't think we ever get to find out, but I don't think
it was ever explicitly stated that ki is ki is ki. There appear to be some
differences, depending on the emotion used.
The anime, of course, takes this further by giving them different colors
(albeit somewhat inconsistently), but I don't want to drag the anime problems
into this. Do they ever vocalize a color difference in the manga? Don't
remember.
> This time, Ranma descended into a giggle *fit*. Just like a girl would do,
> Ryouga thought, if she were trying to--
>
> "S-Sorry, Ryouga, but I haven't had a good laugh in a very long
time. Thanks."
>
> "Uh... sure... I think. Are you all right? You're, er, giggling."
RYOGA: And you're [twitch] poking into me...
RANMA: [blushing] Sorry. Like I said. The curse...
RYOGA: Stop explaining and just back away!
Hehehehe.
RANMA: Meanie!
RYOUGA: Tease! Uh.. wait a minute!
RANMA: Oh, no, I'm noooot! *GLOMP!*
RYOUGA: AIEEEE!!!
RANMA: No, no, darling. Say "KIYAAAA!!"
/me waves at Vince. ^_^
> Ranma pointedly laughed, but Ryouga thought it sounded like he'd
had to think
> about it in order not to giggle.
suggest: he'd had to concentrate on not giggling
("Concentrate on not" is a little more succinct
than "think about it in order not to".)
Agreed.
> "When I realized I was lost again, I stopped, put my fists up in
the air, took
> in a deep breath to scream, and then surprised myself when I
realized I was
> only doing it out of habit. I didn't *feel* any depression or
anger. I *think*
> I burned it out. I don't know for sure if that's what happened,
but all I know
> is that I've been calm ever since."
RYOGA: I'm empty. I no longer feel pity, or fear, or remorse...
RANMA: ...
RYOGA: And I absolutely will not stop until you are dead.
RANMA: Why are your eyes glowing red?
RYOUGA-TERMINATOR: I am bach.
RANMA: [Whips out her mini-harpsichord from harpsichord space and starts
playing fugues]
RYOUGA: [Goes into a daze.]
Can *you* figure out the really awful hidden joke? :P
> "Wh-- Why did you do that?!"
>
> "Wha--?" Ranma slumped. "I didn't realize I had." She looked up
at him. "After
> dinner, on the roof."
RYOGA: You're not going to have your way with me up there, are you?
RANMA: What? Of course not. I just want to explain things.
RYOGA: Oh. Alright.
RANMA: [singsong, under breath] I'm gonna git me some nookie...
Gah. Not one of your best, Douglas. ^_-
[...]
> Ranko stopped eating abruptly and slammed her chopsticks on the
table. Ryouga
> and the remaining sisters jumped, but Ranma continued eating.
>
> "PAPA! What the HELL is going ON?!" Ranko shouted. "Are, are you and
> Hibiki-san, errr..."
Would it be more appropriate for her to be yelling at Ryoga?
After all, she knows her dad, but she's never seen this new guy
before.
I don't think so. She's taken on a lot of Ranma's mannerisms, and Ryouga is a
guest. She's probably more comfortable confronting Ranma, if she thinks she
has sufficient reason.
[...]
> "Two and an Amazon-law wife. Kodachi didn't count then, and doesn't count
> now," Ranma corrected.
I like the way you put that. "Amazon-law wife." :)
Afraid I can't take credit for it. Thank Vince. ^_^
> "I had to kill a god to get her back," Ranma said quietly, "and
your mother
> almost died. She might even have been dead for a moment, for all
I know. The
> doll's eyes *had* closed." Both Ranma and Ryouga shuddered in memory.
It sounds like she was kidnapped, and Ranma killed the kidnapper.
I'm sure his focus would be more on the fact that he almost lost her.
THEN he'd bring up the part about killing a god to make sure that
wouldn't happen.
Well, isn't that what happened, more or less? Granted, the birds did the
kidnapping, but under whose orders? Kiima? From whom does her authority to
order such an action extend? I feel like that's splitting unnecessary hairs.
I understand your second point about rearranging the sentence, but I have to
wonder how much killing Saffron still weighs on Ranma's mind. Of course, Saffy
immediately reincarnated or whatever, but Ranma was willing to kill. It may be
a toss-up as to which though pops out first. Hmmm, on other hand, the female
drives may be suppressing other concerns. Okay, I'll rearrange the sentence,
even if it loses some impact. :)
> "Ever since your mother died and I sorta got back on my feet,
I've been havin'
> a problem with the curse that's been gettin' steadily worse. When Ryouga
> showed up, it jumped a few levels."
RANMA: Every year or so, I have to lay an egg inside a man's body.
Eventually it hatches, consuming the body, and a new clone of
me is born...
GIRLS: ...
Um... where did *that* come from?
/me scratches head.
:)
> "PAPA!!" "I didn't need to know THAT!!" Nodoka didn't say
anything, but just
> stared.
Different speakers, different paragraphs. It's very easy to gloss
over the double quotes in the center, especially since they can be
read together as a single sentence.
Point. Will review.
> "ARGH!! MAMA NO HENTAI!" "NO!!" "I'M NOT HEARING THIS!!" Nodoka
just continued
> to stare.
NODOKA: I never realized how hot Papa is...
:j This isn't a story about incest, Douglas. :j
Same comment as above.
Right.
> "What are you saying, Ranma? You need to have a baby?" Ryouga mirrored the
> others with his blinking.
>
> "No, I'm not saying that--" Everyone sighed in relief.
RANMA: I need to have babies. Plural.
Five jaws hit the table.
RYOUGA: How.. How.. How MANY?!
RANMA: Ohhh... two sets of twins should do nicely.
TUTTI: AIEEEE!!
> "Stop it! And listen, will ya? The POINT is that I need to...
find somebody so
> I can be in balance again. The curse is causin' the problem
because along with
> guy feelin's, I've got a woman's body tellin' me all sorts of
stuff because of
> its different hormones. Do you understand? Hell, it's even
carryin' over when
> I'm a guy! In the bathroom, I was a guy until we started to leave, then
> without thinkin' about it, I changed myself to a woman."
RANKO: So you were a guy when you had sex with Ryoga in the bathroom?
RANMA: [little sweats]
RYOUGA: [littel sweats]
NODOKA: AH HA!!
[...]
> She studied the table in front of her for a moment before looking
up. "Sorry,
> Ryouga. If you wanna leave, I'll understand. Can't be easy, hearin' this."
>
> "Not... yet
RYOGA: [thinks] If I get up, there's no way she can miss my stiffy...
Oh, dear. I'm not gonna touch that one... literally or figuratively. :)
[...]
> "Yeah, sure, you're right." Ranma flexed her hand, watching her skin move.
> "And every time I look at one, I see your mother's face starin'
back at me."
> She shivered. "I feel like I'm betrayin' her or somethin'."
AKANE: Everytime he wants to have sex with a girl, I possess her
so I can share the fun, and he goes running off! That jerk!
Methinks Doug is falling non-silent victim to fanfic cliche...
;p
[...]
> She took off her pants, thought about it, and then took off her boxers.
> Shucking her Chinese shirt, she pulled on an oversized T-shirt to
sleep in.
> She'd gotten used to sleeping in the nude when Akane was alive.
Her wife had
> been a demon in the bedroom and was likely to wake Ranma up in
the middle of
> the night, wanting some fun, so clothing came to be an
unnecessary hindrance.
> Besides, she smiled as she thought, it was far more pleasant to
wake up to an
> act in progress than to a wrestling match with a pair of boxers
or panties.
At least it would give him some warning...
RANMA: Geez, Akane, why are you always trying to start without me?
AKANE: GIVE IT UP, GIRLY BOY!!
RANMA: Uhhh, is that you, Tarou?
TAROU: How did you know?
RANMA: ...
> Ranma sighed. With a colder bed since, she had compromised by
just wearing a
> long T-shirt and nothing else. She'd further discovered as she'd
gotten older
> that she slept better as a woman. She wondered if that was
because girls just
> slept easier than guys anyway -- she'd have to ask Kasumi about that -- or
> that as much as Akane enjoyed being cuddled, she enjoyed doing
the cuddling,
> too, and Ranma was smaller than Akane as a woman, and if anyone needed
> cuddling *now*... Either way, they had been a perfect fit.
As he got older, Akane had passed away, so
she wasn't hitting him in her sleep! ;)
Red lights and sirens go off in the FFML command center.
"AKANE BASHING ALERT!"
*WHOOP! WHOOP!*
;p
[...]
> "Hai." She stood as her daughters filed in and walked up to her.
They were all
> taller than Ranma's female form, even the younger ones.
Why would they be taller? Better diet? Than Ranma the vacumm??
Different genetics. They all *look* like Ranma, but they carry some Akane in
them, and she was taller than Ranma's girl-form. Hey! Wasn't everyone looking
for differentiation?! :P
> "What's goin' on, girls?"
>
> Atsuko put her finger to her chin and looked up at the ceiling.
"I think this
> is what they call a kidnapping."
NODOKA: No, it's a lesbian orgy.
RANKO: WHAT?!?
ATSUKO: Stupid, we didn't tell her yet.
NODOKA: Well, there always has to be one straight to break in.
RANKO: "Break in"?!?
KIMIKO: I've got the canola oil...
...
We're all gonna burn in the pit of politically incorrect humor... WAAAHHH!!!
^_-
> Ranma giggled and said, "This reminds of the time your mother
snuck up behind
> me, splashed me, threw me over her shoulder, and took me upstairs
to her old
> room and did several naughty things to me all at the same time. Boy, was I
> ever sore the next day, but I never looked at *toys* the same way again."
RANMA: Wh- What are you doing with that Rubik's cube?
AKANE: [just grins, and slinks closer]
Oooo, ouch! Didn't someone once say something about a square peg and a round
hole? Ouch!
[...]
> Atsuko smiled cutely, holding the lingerie against her body, and
fluttered her
> eyelashes. "You never know when the right guy will come along, and when he
> sees me in this, he'll feel like he's been *hammered*."
>
> Ranma face-faulted, and then joined her girls in laughter.
Feels... too much like... sitcom!
:j Just so long as John Ritter doesn't knock at the door asking if there's a
room for rent, I'm happy.
> Wiping some tears from her eyes, Ranma said, "Not that I'm not
havin' a great
> time, but... why are all of ya doin' this?"
> "AAAHHH!!!" "GAAHH!!" "ARGH!!" "PAPA NO HENTAI!!"
Paragraph comment again. At least put more spaces between the quotes...
Right.
> "Ahem. Since you've been so brave, Papa-san," she said, a little
nervously,
> "another one of us decided she wanted to be brave today, too."
Atsuko pulled
> her twin up and nudged her to the fore.
NODOKA: What? I don't want to be brave! Stop pulling on me!
ATSUKO: When Papa-san asked who wanted to go into the pit of cats, weren't
YOU the one who piped up and said 'Atsuko likes kitties!'?!?!
NODOKA: ... aheh...
[...]
> "Well... I, ummm... I've been, errr, ah, you see, um, *seeing*...
somebody...
> for a while."
>
> Blinking, Ranma said, "Well, what's the problem? You and your twin are old
> enough. What's his name?"
>
> Nodoka face fell and she burst into tears, turning to her twin.
suggest: turning to Atsuko.
or: turning to her twin, Atsuko.
(Since the *author* seems to have forgotten ^_^;)
Well, it says who in the next line...
RANMA: You know how you wanted me to be a "man among men"?
NODOKA: Yes, dear?
RANMA: Well, it looks like little Nodoka is a woman "among women".
NODOKA: Really? I'm so proud!
RANMA: Especially in bed.
NODOKA: Eh?
RANMA: She likes to be among other women in bed.
NODOKA: ;;;
RANMA: It came up after Ryoga stopped by the other day.
NODOKA: I think I need to sit down.
RANMA: On a completely unrelated note, about me being a man
"among men"...
NODOKA: I simply cannot care anymore. After your father was discovered
rutting in the zoo...
RANMA: ... I really didn't need to know that.
> "Since you all *look* the way ya do 'cause of my curse, are there any more
> surprises I should know about?"
KIMIKO: I'm sleeping with Kuno.
ATSUKO: I'm sleeping with Mikado.
RANKO: I'm going to Jusenkyo, jump in the Spring of Drowned Man,
get split into two halves, and boink my male half until he's
a withered husk.
RANMA: [glaring] I *said*, are there any more surprises I should
know about?
LOL!!!
> That statement brought the house down, but Nodoka only sighed happily,
> enjoying the opportunity to be cuddled by a female parent. None missed her
> mother more than she.
>
> No one noticed the thoughtful expression slowly settle on Ranma's face.
RANMA: Of course, he *was* a good kisser, and very handsome...
RANMA'S-BIOLOGICAL-CLOCK: [tick] [tick] [tick]
Ranma, while sitting on top of the television in a tuxedo, explodes.
Ahhhh! Finally got a Python joke in. ^_^
> "Ohayou, Himiko-chan."
>
> "Ohayou, Otousama," she said deferentially.
Otokasama?
Huh?
> He took another look at Himiko, thinking, then said, "I want you to go
> somewhere with me after breakfast, Himiko-chan, or did ya have
other plans?"
[Later]
HIMEKO: No! No, please!!
RANMA: I'm sorry, my dear, but it has to be this way.
[Sounds of cutting, red drops on floor]
RANMA: All my children must have red hair in a pigtail!
HIMEKO: NoOOoooOOooo!
Heh. Maybe that was a point of attraction for Nodoka in the first place - no
red hair. However, that sort of leaves all of Japan on the menu. ;)
> Ranma bounded to the rooftops and took his newest child on a
short tour of the
> ward. The Doppler effect of her screaming, which turned to screeching
> laughter, caused a number of heads to turn up or poke out of
windows. A few
> grayer heads smiled fondly, remembering fantastical days gone by.
suggest: fantastic
(Why add the extra -al?)
First, it *is* in the dictionary, BTW, so long as you find one big enough. :)
I like the nuance better.
My biggest reservation about the story is this part. Namely, why is
it here? Did you feel the need to fill the intervening seasons between
Ryoga's visit? As with my comment about Nabiki's inclusion, I don't see
why you introduced this new character. She doesn't really do anything.
If she helped Ranma deal with his problems, I could see leaving it in,
but as it is, Ranma is helping her deal with *her* problem.
Mmmm, are you talking about all of "Winter" or just the last part? For my
part, I felt it was necessary to show just how completely Ranma accepts Himiko
and, by extension, her relationship with Nodoka. I think this rather clearly
bears on the upcoming choice Ranma will make. It turns and prepares the soil a
little, if you will.
The relationship between Nodoka and Himiko is important because it both
mirrors and reverse mirrors the end of the fic, both because Ranma can be
either male or female while around Ryouga. This is not to suggest that Ranma
and Ryouga's relationship will be in any way yaoi, but there will be times
when Ranma will be male, for whatever reason, and Ranma needs to come to grips
with how that will be, should Ryouga be present. (I suspect Ranma will elect
to remain female for almost all of the time Ryouga manages not to be lost, but
I can certainly see the girls wanting 'Papa' for one reason or another. Ranma
isn't going to stop being their father. I digress...)
It becomes important, I believe, to show Ranma's total acceptance of Himiko if
Ranma is to have any chance of succeeding with Ryouga in future. This all from
the perspective of looking at the story from the outside, of course.
[...]
> "Well, anyway, Mikado-baka kinda came to his senses a couple 'a
months back
> and stopped by, demandin' Himiko stop disgracin' herself and come
home. She
> stared at him for a long time, turned her back, and marched into
the house,
> slammin' the door. Heh, it was some kinda justice. Oh, and I had
ta pound on
> him ta keep him outta the house. Put him in the hospital... again."
He put him in the hospital before? Wasn't that Asuza beating him on
the head? Or Ryoga pulling the ice flows together, squishing him?
Yes. ^_^
> Both of them laughed at the mental picture, and after Ryouga stopped, he
> smiled and said, "You're a good person, Ranma."
RANMA: Ooh, when did you switch to the gender-neutral? [lick lips]
RYOUGA: Ranma, licking your lips isn't in the script!
RANMA: Damn the script! Hell, damn the torpedoes! FULL STEAM AHEAD!
*GLOMP!*
RYOUGA: AIEE-- Oh, what the hell. *SMOOCH!*
:)
> "It was pretty good..." she said without turning, "until you were
lookin' at
> me all naked and stuff. By the time I got up to my room, I was shakin'
> somethin' fierce. I... I WANTED you."
>
> "And... if I'd followed you upstairs... and thrown you on the bed?"
>
> "I would've spread my legs with no argument. This thing has no
reason behind
> it... it just WANTS."
RYOGA: [grabs RANMA in embrace] Stop it Ranma. Stop trying to blame
this on your curse. No magic is making you act like this.
RANMA: But...
RYOGA: Just admit it, Ranma. You love me.
RANMA: Y- Yes.
RYOGA: And you always have.
RANMA: Yes. [blushes]
RYOGA: Well there's no need to hide it anymore.
RANMA: Oh, Ryoga!
[Insert YAOI bits here]
^o^
She's a girl, there, or did you forget? And if you forgot... :P
(Just kidding.) ^)^
[...]
> She barked a cross between a laugh and a sob. "I don't know
whether to thank
> you, pound you, or take you upstairs."
RANMA: Or, of course, all three...
RYOGA: You picked up too much from Akane.
RANMA: She was... insatiable.
RYOUGA: [dreamily] Aakaaaneee...
*WHAP!*
RANMA: Hey, Pig Boy! Yer supposed to be oglin' ME!
RYOUGA: Well, beggars can't be choosers, I guess.
RANMA: ... KIYAAAA!!!
*BOOT!*
RANMA: [watching Ryouga disappear into the sky with a twinkle] I wonder what
Tsubasa's doing...
[...]
> Kimiko walked in from the kitchen, and Atsuko entered after
pounding down the
> stairs.
>
> "Something wrong?" Atsuko asked breathily.
>
> "No, but I want one of you to stay with him at all times. I've
got to go do
> somethin', and I don't want him lost before I finish."
RANKO: Okay. [click]
RYOGA: Wh- What? [sees his wrist is handcuffed]
RANKO: You're not getting away from me!
RYOGA: I really don't think this is necessary.
RANKO: Maybe not. We'll find a better use for it when we get to bed.
RYOGA: ...
RANKO: Do you think I look like Ranma? [bats eyes]
Well, he *isn't* related to her. :P
NURSE: Blood-type?
C&C'er who shall remain nameless: H.
NURSE: ...
[...]
> After a quick change into warmer clothing, she paused, looked at
the broken
> rod, and wondered if she really wanted to have it used on her or
not. Maybe it
> was just enough to know that it was there. Or maybe its real
magic was that of
> courage and acceptance. Or maybe...
RANMA: What's the deal with me and this "broken rod"?
I'm not sure I like the symbollism... [frown]
AKANE: [giggles]
AKANE: That's what you get for making love around corners.
RANMA: ...
> Atsuko blinked and then looked at Ryouga suspiciously. "What did
you say to
> Papa-san?"
RYOGA: I'd be happy to boink her if I thought I could get away with it.
ATSUKO: [glowering]
RYOUGA: Oopsie! Did I say that?
ATSUKO: DIEEEE!!!
> "Nothing to make him need to go out. I don't think so, anyway."
[...]
> "I'll always be your baka, and you'll always be my tomboy. I love
you, Saotome
> Akane."
>
> She choked off another round of sobs and slowly turned away. Her
eyes blinded
> by unchokable tears, she stumbled into a mother and child walking by.
Okay. (a) Unchokable is not a word
(b) You already said she choked them off! ^_^
Carl Sandberg must give you nightmares, hey? :)
[...]
> The woman just nodded and smiled, but her child, short black hair and big
> brown eyes, scowled up at her. "Baka. Bakabaka." She threw her
stuffed toy at
> the strange, redheaded woman with the white stripe in her hair.
RANMA: I understand, Akane. I'll always be your baka. No one else's
> "MIKI!!" the woman yelled, appalled. "WHERE did you LEARN that?!"
Ranma looked down at the child with its short cut blue hair.
The sight filled him with memories. Except... "Hey kid, what
are you timing with that stopwatch, anyway?"
Huh? You lost me.
[...]
> "Saotome," she said absently. Then she looked at the woman,
grabbed her, and
> kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you!" she whispered fiercely.
>
> The woman was stunned, but the little girl was *mad*, "Bakabakabaka--" and
> beat on Ranma with her toy.
RANMA: I'm sorry, Akane. I didn't mean to make you jealous.
I'll be yours forever.
By the way, Ranma's quotes are what I actually got out of this
exchange. I got the impression that Akane was *not* approving
of what was going on. ^_^; Oops.
Weird. Everyone else seemed to get it. ^_^;;
Remember that Ranma was ready to quit any thoughts of Ryouga and had confessed
as much aloud when he stumbled into Mom and Miki.
[...]
> Behind them, the cool wind swirled a pile of last year's leaves, somehow
> missed by the meticulous grounds man. The leaves rose in a dark
brown column,
> hovered for an instant, reaching five feet into the air, and then
continued
> upward, leaping, cavorting, and finally disappearing into the bright blue
> ocean of the spring sky.
suggest: meticulous groundskeeper.
Agreed.
That was a nice story. Not as explicit as some of your more recent
works have been. :j
Gee, you almost sound disappointed. :)
The tone was good, and of the characters who
appeared, they seemed to be in character, given the background story.
The background characters I'm less happy with. I think Akari and
Ukyo were dismissed too easily, for example. Perhaps it would be
better to not bring them up. Or have Ran & Ryo not want to talk
about them when they were brought up.
Perhaps. I don't know how much more discussion of them would be appropriate,
given the length of time involved since they were last around. Also, the
subtext there was that Ranma was probing Ryouga about his lovelife. Ryouga, on
the other hand, simply asked the corresponding question.
Funny how no one has said a word about the complete lack of explanation for
Shampoo's absence.
On that subject, the story did lack a little focus. Himeko could
be plucked out with no impact on the rest of the story.
I disagree for reasons stated above, but I understand your point.
Less so
Nabiki. You could even remove Miki by having a piece of the alter
fall off in the strong winds on Ranma's head, acting as the agent
of Akane's mallet.
Hmmm, that sounds almost too original flavor for the tone of this fic. :)
Even if I don't buy into the "calm is an emotion" argument, I think
that background story should be left in; if Ryoga was still bitter,
he'd obviously have more of a problem consenting to be with Ranma's.
Agreed.
For the record, I *am* a fan of the Ranma/Ryoga pairing (^o^), but
only if Akane is not in the picture. And since you so conveniently
offed her...
I honestly can't think of a way for a Ranma/Ryouga pairing to otherwise happen
(although I'm sure someone has or will come up with one), unless one is
willing to entertain a Ranma/Ryouga/Akane threeway relationship, with Ranma
changing gender as needed. ^O^
Anyway, a fun read, as always, Mr. Dave "Ranma-Gets-In-Touch-With-
His-Feminine-Side" Roeder.
I fear I am type cast. If I ever write a fic without that element, no one is
going to know how to react. ^_^
It's nice to be able to read this sort
of fic and not be completely filled with angst, or have Ranma give
up on his boy side.
Right. I never intended for that. Ranma is still 'Papa'. :)
Now if we can just get you to write a "Taro-Gets-In-Touch-With-
His-Bestial-Side" fic... ;)
Hmmm... another Kasumi/Tentacle lemon? ... Naw. :)
As always, Doug, above and beyond the call of duty, and very entertaining.
Thanks a million. Cheers!
Yours,
Dave
*******************************************
D.F. Roeder
FanFiction - http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html