--- Katrina Lee Halbred <katrina_lee@enterpriseds.com> wrote:
The panda was eyeing the fact that the dagger appeared to
have
a
ruby in its hilt along with some smaller diamonds. He could
get
lots of sake with the sale of this weapon.
Umm, these are random street punks? That kind of person
doesn't
just toss around jeweled daggers, even in Nerima.
Um, aren't magical weapons (IE those used for killing vampires
and
demons
and such) usually rich looking? IE with rubies, or diamonds, etc,
for the
enchantments which have been placed on them? If not, then its
just
a normal
dagger thrown to knock her down, or get her down.
Yep. Mind, someone could be selling fake Daggers of Demon Slaying
with paste gems. It'd take more than a second for Genma to tell
the
difference.
Still, this is the sort of thing that could lend some spice to
the story...why would ordinary punks be carrying such a thing, and
are they "ordinary" after all, given they obviously knew a little
about demons?
Ranma turned from her father to face the bullies.
Umm, this is written as editorial opinion by Ranma, right?
Someone
defending their home town from demon vampires is hardly a
bully...
Um, actually, this is Ranma's opinion of the 3 teens (who attend
Furinkan as
well). To him, anyone who would pick a fight, much less try and
kill someone
who can't or won't fight back is a bully. And that, if I remember
the anime
correctly, is canon.
ayup.
It's just that you don't always make it clear whether it's
Ranma
or the author's opinion.
everyone. And yet, he couldn't deny how she seemed to have
this...magic on most people that just seemed to make them
want
to
be more friendly with her. Too bad it didn't work on
everyone.
this needs further exploration, and fast.
Comes later. Things will get explained as they need explaining.
But
the
problem I have had in the past is trying to cram too many of the
explanations into the first episode.
Well, maybe so. But you could easily make room for a bit more
by dumping most of the Jyuusenkyo flashback, which tells the reader
pretty much nothing we didn't already know, except that Ranko's not
under a Jyuusenkyo curse.
Ranma sighed. This had already been a long day. It had
started
out
raining today and they hadn't had a chance to get some hot
water so
that she could change back to her male form. She really hated
meeting new people in her female form.
So why don't they do that now? There's no particular rush...
OK, I probably should have Genma-panda dragging them along.
better..
"Um...Would you please stop that?" asked Ranma-chan. She
still
looked miserable.
"Well, Daddy, it would appear that our "fiancee" is a girl!"
Umm, this doesn't really work here. She should be modifying
this
according to what Ranko told her.
OK, I don't think I follow. I felt this was pretty well placed
for
Nabiki's
comment. I supposed I could redo this whole sequence to better
fit
the idea
that Nabiki is trying to figure out what is going on. But, should
I
have her
say "Nice going, daddy, our fiance is a transvestite"?
That'd work. Or "our fiance is a transsexual...."
Akane pulled a wooden mallet out which curiously had a sharp
end to
it and swung it at Ranko's chest. Things seemed to move in
slow
motion as Ranko screamed and dropped into a crouch, rolling
backwards. Ranma ran and stopped, throwing her leg in front
of
the
mallet-spike blocking it with her shin. The look on her face
was
one of anger. Yet, she stayed in that position, seemingly
balancing
on one leg while holding the mallet-spike up with the other.
Huh? Why ever would she have this thing? Remember, in the
manga/anime, Akane never used a mallet until Kasumi gave her
one
specifically.
Now later, we learn that Akane has some experience with
vampires, so it *might* make sense for her to carry around a
wooden
stake just in case, but a spiked mallet? no.
I meant to change that. Not sure what to change it to, though.
Akane
carrying a stake around with her? That would be...Different.
Might
work
given the facts. Um, when in the Anime did Kasumi give her the
Mallet? I
don't remember her ever giving Akane a mallet in the Anime...
It's in the Hypnotic Dumplings story. Kasumi gives it to Akane
specifically to defend herself against Ranma, who she'll be home
alone with, weakened by her cold and vulnerable....
Akane fumed. Fine, she thought. Make her look like the bad
guy.
She
tries to protect her family from some vampire and they turn
on
her.
"Fine, then. I challenge you, vampire."
Much much further down, we learn Akane's motivation, but it
should actually come out here. After all, if Mrs. Tendou was
done
wrong by a demon vampire, shouldn't the rest of the family be
reacting negatively too? Wouldn't Akane be curious as to why
they
weren't?
And what does she gain by challenging the vampire? It's
clear
her family is a bunch of sheep who won't change their
opinion....
How would you propose I put that point up here? It doesn't seem
to
flow with
the rest of the story. In my opinion, and in the real world,
things
don't
always flow the way we feel they should. I was trying to keep
this
as
realistic as possible. Therefore, some of the answers will either
not come
until later, or not come at all.
Akane should say right out, "She's a vampire! Don't any of you
notice?!"
Ranko started crying. "Why do they always act this way! All I
wanted was to be friends. Why do they keep reacting to me as
if
I
am some kind of freak?? And I thought a hug would make Akane
feel
better. Instead she was so filled with anger she fell
asleep!"
Because you *are* some kind of freak.
And I notice no one bothers to explain why Akane might be
upset
by a vampire....
That's because no one else knows. Akane was in the same room
and
witnessed the event. Saw the glowing red eyes and the fangs as
they
drained
the life from her...No one else knows. Save for Kasumi. However,
I
am
keeping the events about Kasumi puzzling on purpose. Her past
will
be
revealed much later.
Unfortunately, as the story is now, too many readers aren't
going to be around when you finally get around to it. Half a dozen
people I talked to on #ffirc couldn't even finish the chapter.
Mind, this does explain a little. But it should be made
clearer
in the text.
"Oh, my," summed up Kasumi, putting her hand to her mouth.
Akane glared at Ranma triumphantly. "I knew it! He is a
pervert!
With a vampire sister!"
Huh? This makes no sense, even by Akane standards.
Remember,
Akane started calling Ranma a "pervert" because he saw her
naked,
and
as a Japanese pun on "shapeshifter". This Ranma hasn't done
anything
like that.
A more appropriate epithet would be something like
"demon-lover" or the like...
How so? She makes many comments about him being a "pervert" as in
a
crossdresser, etc...IE, see the Tsubasa episode manga/anime. Good
example.
Therefore, she is referring to him as being a crossdresser, girl
wannabe,
etc..
If you have Nabiki give the "transvestite" comment earlier,
it'll work better. Still, it seems too much fanfic cliche as
written.
there was no way Akane was going to let this happen in her
family
again! Once was enough.
Again, why does no one else make the connection?
Because no one else is looking at Ranko as an object. No
one
else is
looking at her as a freak. Her background isn't her fault. That
was
one of
the things I was trying to show with everyone thinking. She is so
innocent,
that she can't except there are people who are willingly doing
evil
in the
world.
And WHY is no one else noticing the wings and fangs? You need
to
make things make sense to the reader on at least a surface level if
you intend them to stick around for the deeper mysteries.
Akane was in a rage, tears coming down the side of her face.
"Your
kind took my mother from me! Your kind are the ones to blame
for
her not being here!" By now, her aura had made itself known
and
tripled in size.
Ranma stepped forward, visibly agitated. "Calm down, Akane.
Ranko
is NOT a vampire. I wish you would get it through your head.
SHE IS
NOT YOUR ENEMY!"
Akane launched herself at Ranma. "Like hell she isn't! She
has
the
fangs! She has the wings! She's a vampire!" Ranma moved to
the
side, catching Akane in seemingly one move. Akane fell asleep
in
Ranma's arms.
Kasumi ran over to where Ranko's unmoving form was slowly
sinking
under the water and pulled her out of the bathtub.
"Ranko...Ranko...?" Kasumi put her head over Ranko's mouth
and
listened, quietly. She breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. She
is
still breathing..." Kasumi gently picked Ranko up and got her
out
of the danger zone.
And still, no one thinks to explain *why* Akane might be
upset?
They just let it hang?
Same as above. No one has a clue. Though I suppose I should have
Genma
backhand Akane or something like that. I was hoping to keep that
kind of
physical abuse out of the beginning.
Actually, in this case, someone should ask why Akane thinks
someone like Ranko killed her mom. Instead, everyone just seems to
be denigrating Akane for behaving in a perfectly understandable
manner...
at her own finger nails and at Ranko's. She realized that
nothing
human could have made those. She wondered what caused
them....Kasumi didn't notice that while she was cleaning the
wounds, they seemed to be healing up as her hands touched the
places where Ranko was injured. She also didn't notice her
hands
glowing a slight blue-ish color either.
Umm, where *did* those come from? Akane didn't do it, and
we
didn't see anyone else who could....
That will be explained in a later issue. This is called a "bait"
trap :).
Its to make people go "what the hell?" when they are reading and
piques
their curiosity. For the full story of where those come from, one
will need
to read the side storys which detail Akane fighting demons in
Ranko's
Dreams. And trying to protect her from them....And failing.
Huh? I'm sorry, again this technique doesn't work unless you
first convince the reader that there's a payoff in sight.
Ranma was startled. "How-?"
Kasumi gave that angelic smile again. "It seems to be a trait
I
inherited from Mother, before she died."
Umm, okay, interesting, but is this an mother to eldest
daughter
sort of thing, or do the other two have a different mom, or
what?
Interesting, I thought that was self explanatory as I haven't
said
anything
about Soun cheating on his wife. Not sure where I can clerify it
though.
This bit actually 8can* wait for Chapter Two or Three;
provided
you improve the rest of chapter one enough to make it worthwhile to
wait.
I didn't find out about this until a few years ago myself.
Regardless of where she came from, though, she is still my
sister."
Blink blink. *One* of Genma's mistresses? he never did
that in
canon...on the other hand, he's willing to raise a baby that
appears
overnight and which the demoness *claims* is his....which
actually
comes down on the credit side for once.
You didn't read Reluctant Bet did you?
Only parts. Too much "Akane as psychobitch for no good reason" for
my tastes. Plus the habit Gregg has of making all the sympathetic
characters agree with whatever Grey opines.
was half demon, she would have even more troubles."
Umm, like it isn't fairly obvious? Someone's gonna tell her
eventually, and it might as well be someone who likes her...
No. She refuses to believe she is half demon. So far the only
ones
who have
told her this are those who "hate" her. She cannot except that
she
by the way, it's spelled "accept"
is part
of something that is evil, even though her understanding of
things
will
change. She is as she is right now.
Foolish humans.
Major suggestion: Skip the "parallel to original" stuff
as
much
as possible, and move directly into the infestation of actual
demon
vampires that obviously has panicked citizens into buying
jeweled
Daggers of Demon Slaying and such...
Noted. That is probably a good idea, although a hard one to
follow.
It was
hard enough trying to write the earlier stuff.
Trust me. As the story stands, it's a poor relative of the
original. Moving as quickly as possible into the Creature Feature
part of the plotline can only help.
I'd recommend moving the story about Mrs. Tendou front and
center in this chapter, and give the *reader* some reason to
believe
that Ranko isn't a vampire demon who just won't admit it...
And some explanation of why some people react to her
appearance
and others don't is a must for early revelation...
Hmm. OK, this is far from finished so I will see what I can do
with
that
idea. Though I don't really want to reveal everything in the
first
episode.
You don't have to, just the things that it's most important
the
readers know. For example, Ranko's origin story isn't actually
important to this chapter. Why akane hates vampire demons, and why
no one else in the family does, is.
luck,
SKJAM!
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