Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] [AltUni] All The Difference [1/3]
From: Gary Kleppe
Date: 6/6/2000, 10:07 PM
To: Raye Johnsen
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

Raye Johnsen <raye_j@yahoo.com> wrote:

    "I'm going herb-hunting, Father!" she called.

AKANE: Be vewwy quiet! I'm hunting Musk!

    "Be careful, Akane! Find good ones!" Tendou Soun called
back. He looked up at his eldest daughter, standing beside him
about to begin to pour him tea. It had taken Kasumi a long time
to convince her father that the youngest member of their family,
although sometimes heedless, could run with the best sprinters
in the village if she had to and would perceive danger if she
encountered it; so neither exhortations against peril nor tears
would be welcome. Kasumi, although gentle and seemingly
ineffective, ruled her small home more thoroughly than a drill
sergeant does a squad of recruits, and Soun lived in terror of
her displeasure.

It'd be nice if you could at least mention some specific example of how
she rules; as is, it's a little hard to picture exactly what you mean
here.

    Fording a wide brook, a tributary of the river that ran
through the village, Akane was inevitably reminded of her older
twin, Akari. The way the water tumbled ever on, bright and

"Older twin" is kind of an oxymoron, unless you're talking ten minutes
older or something like that. Just as a FYI in case you thought
otherwise, contrary to fanfic myth, Akane and Akari don't look any more
alike than any two random female characters.

    In their youth, both girls had been wild, scornful of custom
and disliking the trappings that confined female children who
were neither warriors nor of noble descent. While still above
males, it wasn't by much. The Tendou family were simple farmers,
only Akane had ever felt inclined to join the warriors, and she

farmers; only Akane	(comma splice)

    As they had grown older, though, Akari had channelled her
wildness into her pig-breeding programme. She had singlehandedly
caught and tamed a wild boar from the forest ("He wasn't more
than six months old, so it wasn't that hard," she would say,
self-depreciating, whenever she was asked about it), then used
him as a stud. Her pigs, when fully grown, were perfectly tame,
ridable, *and* battletrained. Those warriors who had ridden them
in battle had spoken of them highly.

Suggest 'ridden them in combat' (to avoid the repetition of 'battle')

    Akane sighed. She wanted that calm acceptance too. /It is
achievable for me, it has to be. I can't accept that it isn't./ 

So she can't accept her lack of acceptance? There's a paradox for ya....

    Ryouga felt the press of a hand against his bruised flesh.
He hissed involuntarily as whoever-it-was managed to touch the
exact spot his upper arm had been broken. However, they didn't

exact spot where his

or

exact spot in which his

or something like that.

continue to press there, which his pain-fogged mind was startled
by for some reason that he couldn't quite remember.

The passive voice and double preposition reads very clumsy here. Maybe:

However, the hand didn't continue to press there; this startled his
pain-fogged mind for some reason that he couldn't quite remember.

    Ryouga managed to force his eyes open a crack. Bent over him
was a girl, her brown eyes concerned. Her robe was embroidered
with a pattern of pigs around hem and collar and her soft hair

Suggest: around its hem

    Gosunkugi simply stood at the back of the group. An
accomplished illusionist, his favourite playground was the mind
of some helpless victim. He could reduce the most courageous
opponent to quivering fear, and as a master strategist he could
easily pick out the places where his psychological attacks would
be most effective.

GOS: Wow! I'm actually *competent* in this series! How often does THAT
happen?

    Ranma turned - to find Tarou behind him, striking. He
dodged, and began throwing his own attacks. Honour, however, is
its own pitfall as much as reward, and Ranma simply did not have
the sheer number of dirty tricks up his sleeve as Tarou did. He
fought hard, but with the combination of the betrayal and a
superior opponent was simply overwhelmed.

This fight scene, IMO, really needs work. Even if it's just a fleeting
memory, we need enough detail that we can get a decent mental picture of
it.

    Before he went down to Tarou's combined groinal kick,
headbutt and kneecap blow, he saw Mousse fall to an eye strike,

GOS: That was me! I'm studying Stooge-fu! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

    "Do you need to use the necessary?"

    "The... necessary?"

    "Um... where you do private, necessary things, like in the
morning," Akane said, looking down and blushing.

RANMA: You mean like a meditation room or something?

AKANE: No, you idiot! The toliet!

RANMA: Oh. Oh yeah. That.

BTW, are Ranma and company Chinese in this? I won't complain about all
the Chinese people who have Japanese names, but if Ranma isn't Chinese
than the language barrier should be an issue here.

    "These three strange men, we know nothing of them!" Elder
Kon Long said sharply, thumping her staff for emphasis. "I do
*not* approve of your actions!"

The canon Pinyin spelling for her name is Ke Lun (the characters can be
seen in the untranslated series).

    Akane smiled at her best friend. Kuoniji Ukyou's family had

Kuonji	(spelling)

    Akane stood. "I believe we must attend to our husbands.
Please excuse us." She left before she gave that stuck-up Warrior
a good slap to her face.

    Kasumi was standing just outside the door. "What are we
going to do, Kasumi?" Akari moaned. "I can't believe this..."

    Kasumi smiled sweetly. "Why, Akari," she replied, "we throw
a wedding celebration!"

    The three new brides stared at Kasumi's back as she left for
the kitchen. Ukyou whispered, "Um, your sister... Is she really
okay?"

    "I guess she agrees with the Elder," Akari murmured.

UKYO: So... I get the one with the pigtail. Right?

AKANE: Um, no. That one was mine.

UKYO: No, I distinctly remember the Elder saying that the pig-tailed one
is my husband.

AKANE: Well, you're wrong.

UKYO: Look at the one in the bandanna, Akane. What muscles! Wouldn't you
really rather marry....

AKANE: NO!! Shut UP about it already!

UKYO: *grumble*

    Akari shrugged with a smile. "This is the village of the
Amazons. You're safe, nobody can get past our Warriors. And what
the Elders say is, is so. Elder Kon Lon said you were my husband,
so you're my husband. Now lie down and REST!" 

This is a different spelling of Ye Olde Ghoul's name than you used
previously.

    Ryouga could barely think. The pain of the broken ribs had
flared after he had thoughtlessly sat up. His body ached, his
bones were afire, and he could no more follow the argument than
he could flap his arms and fly to the moon. 

Yeah, he'll be able to do that when pigs fly. :)

    Akane didn't go to see the young man who she'd 
suddenly found herself married to. Instead, she re-entered the 
room where her father had received Lady Ko Lon. She stood in

And yet a third spelling.

the centre of the room, facing the door the Elder had exited from,
taking deep breaths until the rage had run its course.

    If she'd lived in a different place, in a different time, she 
might have been allowed to rage. She might have been 
permitted the solace of destruction. She might have been given 
the right to act upon her pain.

This kinda comes out of nowhere. We're told that Akane is angry -- and
it certainly fits her character to be angry -- but she didn't really
show it in her last scene, and we don't get much of a look inside her
head to tell us *how* she's angry.

Overall, you have a pleasant writing style, and very few grammatical
problems. The story seems a little low on the conflict factor;
presumably we're supposed to be worried about Pantyhose and company
tracking Ranma's group down, but that part of the plot seems very much
in the background at this point.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html


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