Hmm. Blistering heat, thick yellow mists, and a strong sulfurous stench
- Ah hah! I'm dead and in hell! :)
Well, it's nice to know that you still have Internet connectivity down
there...
Actually I'm currently miserably cold (Melbourne's in the midst of a
cold snap) and quite busy, so I missed this gem when it first appeared.
But here's some belated C&C (sorta like belated birthday gifts,
christmas presents, etc).
Belated is no problem! It's always good to hear from you.
The long-haired girl laughed. "What kind of dinosaurs?"
"Big ones," Ryouga asserted grimly.
Shampoosaurus Regina, Akanedon, and Pterodachi?
Giant P-Chan-a-saurs, perhaps? An Akari-omimus? I wouldn't
want to visit Ryouga's nightmares in person.
her face, and yet another jumped up and down pounding the
sands and screeching like an angry chimpanzee. Two Amazons
produced a suspiciously familiar-looking straw doll with
long black hair tied in a white bow, and proceeded to kick
the stuffing out of it.
I have to say the whole Amazon council pantomime thing worked very well
for me: very Takahashi-esque, hilariously funny, and yet original
flavour, too. Kudos on managing it.
Thanks! It all stemmed out of my desperate struggles to find
a way to write this scene so it wasn't phenomenally dull. I guess
it worked out all right.
A small smile crept across her features. <Let the poor guy
sleep,> she told herself. <Yesterday, you weren't even sure
if he was going to live.>
Um, I know Taro's dead and all, but isn't Ukyo moving a bit quickly
here? Seriously, I think the Ukyo-Ryoga matchup is a little too
obviously portrayed in this chapter - unless you're setting it up as a
huge backfire, in which case be as obvious as you like. ^_^
I don't know if I didn't give a clear impression in the previous
chapters, but Ukyou never really felt the same way about Tarou
as he did about her. If I didn't convey that properly before, I
should probably go back and fix it, if I can figure out where I
went wrong. And as far as Ukyou and Ryouga go...
Maybe I should go easier on this, then. Mostly what I was trying
to establish here is that they're forming close bonds of friendship.
After all, they're alone together in a pretty hostile environment, and
they've been training hard, fighting side-by-side, that sort of thing.
Do you think I should try to emphasize the passage of time a
little better, to show that the characters have had time to form
such bonds? I keep deliberately throwing in passing-of-season
descriptions, since I like that a lot better than "It had been (x)
months since they'd left Japan," but if it's too obscure, I can
try to be clearer.
"But I don't care about that anymore," the Chinese boy
continued. "Because I understand something now. Saotome
Ranma is a jinx. Misfortune follows him everywhere he
goes, and those who are closest to him are the ones that
suffer the most."
Oh so true.
Kind of perceptive, for Mousse.
"Lost. Disgraced. Shamed." Shampoo pronounced each word
distinctly, bitterly. "Ranma belong now to Akane-san."
"No," Ukyou insisted, but her voice trembled.
Ukyo: No way! I know Ranchan. He has an ego the size of Tokyo; he'll
want all of us in a harem. I can live with that. [Thinking] That'll
delay the choice, and maybe something will happen to the others...
Shampoo: Oh, is good idea. Of course Shampoo is first wife. [Thinking]
Then have plenty chances to get rid of others in tragic accidents.
Kodachi: First wife? You? Ohohohohohoho! Obviously, that
choice should go to me! [Thinking] These other girls seem well
suited for menial labor...
Akane: Just leave me out of this, please?
Kurumi turned from the mirror and spread her arms, presenting
herself. "So what do you think? Indiana Kurumi!"
Hmm. Do I sense a pair-up of the bald-headed girls? :)
Kurumi: What? No, she's... uh, really not my type.
Natsume: And what is your type?
Kurumi: (Heart-shaped thought bubble forms above her head. A
montage of egg rolls, pork buns, tempura sticks, etc. flows through.
She salivates profusely.)
Natsume: >sigh< I had to ask.
"My, my," Nabiki purred. "Aren't you two quite the pair?"
Genma flinched and began to sweat. "Ha ha ha! Er... yes,
well..."
Kurumi must take after the mother....
While we never saw her mother in the manga (since she didn't
exist in the manga) we might have caught a glimpse of her in
an anime episode...
He'd met more powerful fighters than the Lost Boy, but
never another with the kind of pure guts and determination
he'd seen in his friend... except when it came to girls,
of course.
Ranma [laughing maniacally]: Don't think I've forgiven you about
becoming Akane's pet, Ryoga! Or the incident with the mushrooms - I'll
have my revenge yet! Whahahahahaha!
Ryoga: Cut it out, Ranma! You're scaring everyone.
Ryouga: Hey! I'm the one who's supposed to carry the grudges
around here! Ranma, I'll never forgive you for stealing my schtick!
But how could he keep her as a friend? How could he get her
to drop this whole marriage thing without making her hate
him forever? He didn't want that, not after all they'd done,
all they'd survived. There had to be a way...
Ranma: No problem. Ucchan was pretty flexible when it came to Taro. I'll
just set her up with Ryoga while she's on the rebound.
Again, I seem to have misconveyed the whole Tarou thing. Do you
remember where I went wrong?
waters, dangerous storms rose and kept the world indoors.
Once the season was in full swing, you had to accept that it
would take longer to get from one place to another.
I don't think there's any need for the 'you had to accept that'.
That's a lame speech affectation creeping into my narrative. I'll
get rid of it pronto.
obligation now to keep these methods a secret, and to train
others of our tribe in the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken method,
should a young warrior seek you out to be her master."
Master doesn't sound right for Amazons. Mistress doesn't quite cut it,
either - you might be able to think up something else. Teacher,
perhaps?
That would probably be better.
Ryouga blanched visibly. "Ranma... with a bigger ego?
What a nightmare!"
Classic. ^_^
Thanks.
Only recently, after she died a few years ago, did we find
it under the bed."
"It was under the bed the whole time?" Ukyou's tone was
incredulous.
"What's so odd about that?" Ryouga asked.
Ukyou gave him a half-lidded look. "Just forget about it."
Hmm. There comes a point where the clueless Ryoga becomes irritating
rather than amusing. This was it. Ryoga seems almost Gourry-esque (from
Slayers) in dimness level at this point. You might want to consider
toning it down a bit.
I did get the impression of a Lina-Gourry relationship between Ukyo and
Ryoga. Was this intentional?
Ryouga: Umbrella, come forth! Er... that is to say... um...
Ukyou: Let's see... 'Darkness beyond the freshest ingredients...' er... 'Crimson
ginger sauce that flows through...' No, wait. That wasn't it. Hold on a sec...
Second complaint I've had about one too many stupid comments from
Ryouga, so evidently I did lay it on a bit too thick. I'll probably scrub through
that part again and see if I can improve things.
Any Lina-Gourry parallels were purely unintentional.
Konatsu was certain she didn't even realize it. It was a
sublime moment of joy that only he could create, and that
smile she wore was his alone to cherish.
Konatsu floated through the weekends on a cloud of bliss,
and nobody else knew why.
Ah, the small things in life for Konatsu. ^_^
I can relate. I was a hopeless social introvert as a teenager, so I
tended to get pretty wound up over very small things like this.
Seriously, this matchup is quite amusing. Will Nabiki reciprocate? And
how will she deal with Konatsu's ability to lose money while making it?
The Nabiki-Konatsu thing will play out in future episodes. She may have
to come to terms with Konatsu's... peculiar gift with finances.
Asuza planted her hands on her hips and tossed her head
proudly. "You there, peasant girl! I demand that you render
that spatula as a gift to me, your rightful superior!
TEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!"
Heh heh heh! Classic! Perhaps Kodachi can start the Kuno School of
Laughter for Psychopathic Megalomaniacs? She can employ Jinnai and Naga
as teachers.
Now there's an image scary enough to make a man blowtorch his
own ears off. Brr...
>From behind the counter, Mikado made a strangling noise.
Unusual character.
Oops.
"You must have them both!" Asuza chimed.
Kodachi shook her head sadly. "Such feeble-minded indecision
is what keeps my brother so pitifully paralyzed. No, the
Black Rose will have none of that." She looked up, her
eyes flashing, and gestured skyward. "They will simply have
to fight to the death over me! OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!"
"TEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!"
How apt for the Black Rose - makes me wish I'd thought this up first. :)
Well, after 'Awakening of Demons' I was obliged to try something
a little different. By the way, your depiction of Kodachi is my favorite
fanfic version. I found it rather inspiring for this whole scene.
seems bent on completely corrupting the poor innocent girl's
mind. I'm sure it's just another ploy by which to seeks to
ensnare me. She has made a ruin of my life!" the tall boy
cried in anguish.
'by which she seeks to'
Erp! Thanks.
Konatsu hadn't trained in the deadly and mysterious arts
of the kunoichi for nothing.
Literally true though. He doesn't get paid a great deal. ^_^
During his training, actually, I think it WAS for nothing. But
never mind that.
within his grasp. In a lightning quick gesture, he reached
out to the counter and snatched a salmon head, then pressed
its gaping mouth firmly against Mikado's seeking lips.
The kiss ended with a vaguely slimy pop.
Perfect! I really enjoyed this whole scene. Congrats on pulling it off.
I get some of my better writing done in the laundromat. Weird
but true. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this scene - it was a lot
of fun to write.
"Then I must be gone, before that harpy returns. Farewell,
pretty cook of the clammy lips!" He gestured boldly and
strode towards the back door.
'gestured boldly' doesn't really suggest anything to me - maybe just a
'waved goodbye' might do.
Okay, I'll chew on that one a bit and see how I can improve it.
<Well, I could probably lure him into a spiral,> Ranma
thought, <or I could see if the Moko-Takabisha can take
him out. But maybe this would be a good time to try out
my new techniques on him.>
Nabiki: All right, special techniques!
An exceedingly well written fight scene, BTW.
Thanks. I enjoy the action sequences.
Ranma watched with satisfaction. That was the simplest of
his new techniques - it was basically the Hiryuu Shoten-ha
performed solo. By concentrating his hot aura on one hand
and his cold aura on the other, he could create the same
effect of an explosive energy whirlwind. It wasn't quite
as powerful as the true Hiryuu Shoten-ha, but it was a LOT
more practical.
Hmm. I've been thinking about variations of the Hiryu Shoten Ha for the
next chapter of Awakening and come to a few conclusions. I'm not sure it
would work this way. Essentially, the HSH uses the impact of a cold
punch at the centre of an opponent's hot spiral to create the whirlwind.
Mixing hot and cold spirals wouldn't generate the same effect.
Also, the user of the HSH is unaffected because the hot aura isn't
coming from him and he's at the centre of the twister. From the way the
One-Man Ascension is written, it looks as if Ranma would be carried off
by his own blast if it succeeded.
Finally, there must be a cooler-sounding (Japanese) name for this new
move? ^_^
I figure Ranma punches as straight as he can under these circumstances,
but it is a little different from the way the Hiryuu Shoten-ha is actually
pulled off. Ranma-verse physics are highly suspect anyway. I see your
point, but I think I'm gonna let this one stand anyway, even if it is a bit
of a stretch. One of the things I was trying to convey is that the Hiryuu
Shoten-Ha (and Ranma's new techniques) involve something a little more
complex than just a temperature clash, though that is the basis of the
technique - the wind is a like an explosive extension of Ranma's battle aura,
and can be guided by his will. Thus, he can keep himself from floating
off with the whirlwind.
I'm sort of wary of Japanese names, since I don't know the language and
I don't want to make something up that is, in fact, completely wrong. The
online dictionaries are very handy, but the language is very complex and
the grammar is still pretty mysterious to me. I'd be willing to take suggestions
from someone with a good command of the grammar, though.
Each time he performed this action, a tight rope of furious
wind writhed forth, snaking and twisting towards its target.
These wind lances glowed with his own battle aura, even more
so than the surging hurricane of the Hiryuu Shoten-ha. They
were extensions of his will, lashing and twisting fists he
could guide to hammer his adversary. He bent the full
measure of his concentration towards battering the hapless
Gaira.
This is exactly how I theorized the HSH above, and why I suggested the
revised version of the move might not work.
A revised version... hmm. Maybe if I indicate there's a distinct
pause after he spins in the One-Man Ascension move, rather than
just executing the final punch straight out of the last pirouette?
It would leave a critical split-second where the user of the technique
was vulnerable. That's worth considering...
Well, overall a very impressive chapter. I'm not surprised this took
four months to produce - excellent, tightly written scenes and some very
humourous dialogue makes this quite possibly the best chapter of
Relentless for me (funny, the Reikoku wasn't in this ^_^). Just a few
minor corrections and concerns, but I'm sure you'll work them out.
Well, the Reikoku just doesn't have many funny lines. Or many
dramatic ones. Mostly, it's just looming around in the distance right
now, moving events by its presence even when it isn't directly on hand.
We'll see it soon enough.
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter so much. My greatest struggles
with it seemed to involve keeping it interesting and not getting too
bogged down in expository narrative, so I'm very pleased to see it
worked for you.
Keep writing,
Phil.
Many thanks for your thoughtful suggestions and commentary!
Grayson Towler
http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless