C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Aha! Gary's insidious plan becomes clear! Did you notice all
the C&C he's been churning out in the last week or two? He's
been building up the guilt so people will feel like they have
to C&C *his* stuff!
Of course, that's exactly how to do it. :D Take a note, newbies!
Better send this off quick, before all the good comments are taken...
FOR A DYING FRIEND
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
[...]
The clinic is a maze of corridors and examination rooms with
tables of cold stainless steel. Racks of medicine and equipment hang on
the walls, like the torture implements of a medieval dungeon.
How could I have missed the stainless steel tables? [smacks head]
Very appropriate. :)
[...]
"Well, Mrs.--"
"Akane."
"Well, Mrs Akane..."
Doctor Tanaka nods. "Well, Akane, what we're dealing with here
is a rather advanced case of kidney deterioration. You see, the kidneys
have the job of filtering out wastes and...." The words trail off. His
wide country-boy eyes gaze up at me with kindness and sympathy. "I'm
sorry. I've already told you this."
Advanced kidney deterioration? Were
there any symptoms leading up to it?
"Yes," I say, and hear the anger and frustration in my voice. I
shouldn't get mad at the doctor. It's not his fault. Whose it is, who
really deserves to be the target of the emotions I'm feeling, I don't
know. All I do know is that he's answered my question, by not answering
it. There was nothing that he, or I, could do.
suggest: that he or I could do.
or: that he -- or I -- could do.
[...]
The doctor takes a sip of tea. and wipes the side of his cup on
his white lab coat. "Akane, this isn't easy for me, any more than I'm
sure it is for you. But... while we've given him what drugs we safely
can, he's still in a terrible lot of pain. I need a decision from you."
Wipes the tea onto his coat? That doesn't sound sanitary. ^_^;
I don't know what he means, and then I do. I remember holding
him in my arms as we rode to the clinic, how he shivered and trembled
and stared straight ahead and how in his eyes held no recognition for
me, nothing but pain. There's no way to make him better, nothing to do
but wait as the poisons build up all over his body, accumulating like
water on a sinking ship, and I wonder if ending his misery wouldn't be
the best thing for him.
suggest: At first, I don't know what he means
[...]
"All right, Akane." The doctor nods in understanding. "There's
some tea in the outer room in case you'd like. I'll let you know if
there's any change."
suggest: if you'd like.
[...]
The outer room is empty as I enter and sit on one of the padded
benches. Colorful pamphlets lay on the table in front of me, explaining
the importance of timely vaccinations and proper hygiene. I don't feel
like reading.
You glossed over the cats yowling and dogs yapping
their heads off. ^_^ Is any vet office ever quiet?
With nothing else to do, I sit back and wait, as I said, for my
husband, wondering a little angrily why he couldn't have stayed with me
through this. I thought they were friends. He was the one who nearly
throttled the doctor demanding a dialysis machine, until the doctor
explained why it wouldn't work. Then he read the letter we'd gotten from
Shampoo, and ran off to the location her map had shown, not explaining
why it couldn't wait just a few days.
Why *wouldn't* a dialysis machine work?
[...]
My mind wanders back to the last time I saw Ranma change back
into a male. It started out as a sunny day, and we decided to take a
walk in the park after school. Unfortunately, by the time we got home,
it wasn't sunny anymore, and we'd gotten caught in one of Nerima's
trademark sudden downpours.
Nerima has "trademark sudden downpours"?
That is *so* fanfic cliche, Gary! :j
"Look, don't you think I'm better looking than that guy?" Ranma
said as we stepped into the kitchen.
"I don't believe you, Ranma!" I said. "Do you WANT Kodachi to go
back to chasing you instead of him?"
"Well, no, of course not," he answered a bit too forcefully, as
if trying to convince himself. "But why *that* guy? I'm at least twice
as handsome!" He knew full well what the name of Kodachi's new love
interest was, but refused to admit it to himself.
Very cute. And very Ranma. :)
I laughed. "At the moment, 'handsome' isn't the right word." A
kettle lay on the stove. I picked it up and poured it over Ranma's head.
He stayed female.
RANMA: Geez, you did it wrong! And here I
thought you'd learned how to boil water!
[...]
I poured the water over Ranma again. "Yeeeowtch! That's hot!" he
screamed, and he was male.
Ranma, the thermometer. Just splash him with water:
"It's hot!"
"It's cold!"
And now, for lukewarm water, "What'dja do *that* for?!?"
[...]
"Pack your belongings. We're leaving tomorrow morning."
"We leaving?" Shampoo looked up, surprised. "Where we go?"
"Back to China. Ranma is no longer a suitable husband for you."
And that's a reason to leave immediately? I can understand the
usefulness of this response as a dramatic shocker, but it's not
terribly plausible.
Ignoring potential issues of whether Ranma's the only reason why
Cologne is in Nerima, there's the matter of finding a buyer for
the restaurant, and planning travel arrangements.
I mean, is there any evidence that they're rolling in dough, and
can throw it away with the price hikes for last-minute ticket
purchases?
Maybe a better response would be to tell Shampoo to phone someone
from the village and say that they'll be coming back?
[...]
"Hush, child. Ranma, I think it's you who doesn't understand,"
Cologne said. "Sit down and I'll explain."
punc: Sit down, and
(Here "and" is being used as a conjunction
between two complete clauses.)
He moved over to a table and complied. I took the seat next to
him, and Cologne hopped into the opposite one.
suggest: to a table and took a seat.
(I don't see Ranma "compling" with anything.)
"The Jusenkyo curses," she began, "are, in a sense, similar to a
virus that infects those who come in contact with the spring water.
Contact with water above a certain threshold makes it go dormant, while
water below that temperature re-activates it."
I'm not sure how good this analogy is. I don't think viruses "go
dormant," but more importantly: viruses infect. This makes it
sound like Jusenkyo curses are transmissible. ^_^;
Since this analogy seems geared towards the mutation/resistance
analogy, I think desxribing it as a bacterial infection analogy
would be more appropriate.
Of course, this is getting rather technical...
[...]
"Ranma's curse has... evolved?" I said, wondering what more
there was that she hadn't told us yet.
COLOGNE: Of course not. Individuals can't evolve. They adapt.
ASH: [outside] Wow, an Eevee! I'm gonna catch it!
COLOGNE: [sigh]
"Correct, child. It happens with some curse victims; with
others, it never does. Ethnicity seems to be a factor. It seems to be a
near certainty for Europeans, while I've never heard of it happening to
a native Chinese. Most likely some unknown genetic factor is involved,
though it might just be that the goddesses of Jusenkyo are prejudiced
against foreigners. As a Japanese, I had expected you to be safe, but it
appears that I was mistaken."
suggest: It's a near-certainty
(Avoid repeated "seem".)
punc: Most likely, some
[...]
"No trick. Very soon, even boiling water will change you into a
woman, Ranma; and no sort of water will change you back."
Not even a high-pressure environment where the boiling
point of water is higher than 100 celcius? :j
"Great-grandmother no can help Ranma?" Shampoo pleaded. "No way
to cure curse?"
"I didn't say that," Cologne said. Ranma sat down and went back
to looking attentive. "The truth is, I'm not sure."
Obviously, she is sure. After all, she's planning on leaving
in the morning; she's not even willing to wait around for a
little while to see if the cure pans out?
[...]
"A very special underground spring is rumored to exist
somewhere. The name I've heard for it is zuihouniquan. According to
legends, it's capable of changing any creature into a human, and
removing any other curses regardless of which stages they're in."
cap: Zuihouniquan
(It's a proper noun. I won't mention the other occurences.)
What's the the gratuitous use of Chinese in this fic? :j
"The name I've heard for it is Zuihouniquan, or Spring of ____"
[...]
"Ranma, I try to help," Shampoo said. "Amazon archives have much
knowledge."
"Thanks, Shampoo," I said. She paid me no attention, continuing
to gape at Ranma, whose eyes were locked with Cologne's. "Come on,
Ranma. We'll look for information somewhere else." Pulling him by the
arm, I led him towards the exit.
suggest: stare at Ranma
(Gape suggests that her mouth is hanging open.)
"Ranma, there's an old Amazon saying that you might wish to bear
in mind." Cologne hopped down from the chair to the floor. "A true
warrior only fights when fighting is to her advantage."
Turning, he looked her directly in the eyes. "His."
She saluted him with a grim smile, and we left the Nekohanten
for what would be the last time.
Heh. :)
[...]
"An issue of 'Shaved Nuns in Bondage Quarterly.' He must've put
it away in the wrong box."
Woulnd't it be more appropriate to say that they grabbed the
wrong box? Hell, this is chicken-scratch Happosai; you're
making a big assumption if you think he organizes *anything*! ;)
[...]
"Yeah!" He laid a book on my lap, pointing to the open page. "It
talks about the curses becoming permanent."
Okay, he sounds enthusiatic here...
"Really?" I read it. *For some victims, the curses of Jusenkyo
may eventually require hotter and hotter water to undo, soon leaving the
victim fixed in cursed form. In such cases,*
The page ended there. Ranma turned to the next one. I began to
feel hopeful.
I continued reading. *...there is no known way to remove the
curse. For this reason, Jusenkyo should be avoided at all costs.*
...which suggests he obviously never read this far.
So why did he put the book in Akane's lap? ^_^;
He just read the first few words and assumed it
was something good, without turning the page?
GENMA: What's the problem with that?
A silence fell over the room. This wasn't the first time Ranma
had faced the possibility of being stuck permanently as a woman; but
there had always been a cure, if not within reach, at least in sight.
This time, we didn't have the slightest clue how to bring things back to
normal. Maybe, I told myself, we would pointed in the right direction
tomorrow, or next week. But maybe we wouldn't. Maybe this would be the
last time I'd ever see Ranma as a male.
gram: we would be pointed in the right direction
[...]
"Thinkin' about that story, and this thing with the curse...
I've figured out something that I didn't really know before."
"What's that, Ranma?"
"My pop is a complete idiot."
As I think I said in the FFIRC, "Classic." :)
From above a sharp bang sounded, like the bursting of an
over-full balloon. The room went black.
punc: From above, a sharp bang
(Otherwise, the sound came from "above a sharp bang".)
[...]
For long moments, awkward silence filled the room. I stared into
the darkness, waiting for the shadows to coalesce.
Waiting the the shadows to coalesce? Huh?
"Um... well, I guess I oughtta be goin'. We can keep goin' on
this tomorrow."
suggest: oughtta be leavin'
(Avoid repeated "goin'").)
[...]
I heard Ranma stand up. Part of me expected -- *wanted--* him to
drag me onto the bed and start ripping off my clothes. To this day, I'm
not sure how I'd have reacted. If he'd tried it any other time, I'd have
clobbered him within an inch of his life. But I still couldn't shake the
feeling, the fear, that this was the last chance we'd ever have to be...
together... as man and woman.
That's *really* weird emphasis you have on "-- *wanted--*"
suggest: how I would have reacted.
(Just think it sounds better.)
[...]
By four in the morning, I was still wide awake. I thought about
going down to check on Ranma. Just to make sure that he's all right.
Just in case the impending permanence of his curse was bothering him and
he wanted to talk about it. If nature were to take its course and one
thing were to lead to another, well, then that would just be an
unplanned consequence.
Geez, Akane. Just boink him, already! ^_^
I sat up in bed. I knew that if I did go to his room, Ranma
would be a jerk about it. *Can't help havin' the hots for a big stud
like me, eh, Akane?* How dare he assume just because I was worried about
him that I was there for... that!
Heaving a frustrated sigh, I slumped back down and stared at the
wall. Just like the last twenty-six times.
No doubt realizing for the twenty-sixth time that he'd be right. :j
By eight-thirty in the morning, I rolled reluctantly out of bed.
The sky outside the window was a cloudless, vibrant blue. Birds sang out
what was probably a delightful tune, but to my sleep-deprived brain was
an unwelcome racket.
gram: brain, it was an
Grabbing a shirt and skirt from the closet, I managed to get
dressed. I figured on having to drag Ranma forcibly out of bed; but as I
came downstairs I knew I was wrong. He was already there, talking to
someone on the telephone.
suggest: I figured that I'd have to drag
What's with the semicolon instead of a comma before the "but"?
[...]
Breakfast was waiting for me at the table. I sat down. "Who was
that on the phone, Ranma?"
suggest: waiting on the table, so I sat down.
(It's a little less choppy. Also, is Akane the last
one up, or is breakfast waiting for other people, too?)
[...]
"From Nabiki. See what this guy's wearing? It's a wet suit. But
in my case, it's gonna be a dry suit. I'm goin' over to Kinnikuatama's
sporting goods right now to get one."
Wow. Long name.
(What, you thought I'd comment up the goofy idea? ;)
[...]
My first impulse was to make fun of his plan. *You and your
crazy ideas, Ranma.* But surprisingly, this one didn't seem so bad. I'd
been ready to give up and accept the change as inevitable, but maybe we
didn't need to. If Ranma could just avoid any contact with water, then
he can stay male. Granted, that was a pretty big if, but Ranma had often
succeeded at things that at first seemed impossible. If anyone could
pull this off, he could.
Of course, with two more brain cells, he would have realized
he could have asked Akane to go get the suit for him...
[...]
"RANMA!" I passed two blocks before I realized I was still
wearing my in-house slippers. "Ranma, WAIT!" Fire burned in my chest as
I gasped for breath. I pushed myself faster. I could see him for a
moment as he rounded the corner onto Ushiro, and I shouted with what was
left of my breath. "Ranma, don't go down THAT street!"
I came around the corner. Ranma stood on the pavement, gaping in
stunned disbelief. Water dripped from his face. His female face. Oh,
gods, I thought, this isn't happening. I'm going to wake up any moment
now and still be in bed, and my life won't have been forever and
irreversibly changed by an old woman's careless splash of water.
Well, I guess that's better than having him turn around in place,
and get splashed *becuase* he was paying attention to Akane. ^_^;
[...]
"Where's Mr. Saotome?" Kasumi asked.
"In his room, last I checked," Dad answered. "He said something
about taking a nap." He raised his voice. "Saotome! Dinnertime!"
SOUN: Here boy, here boy! [whistle]
UKYO: I am not a dog!
SOUN: ...
UKYO: Uh, I mean Genma isn't a dog...
[...]
"It is the gods' will, evidently, that Ranma, at least for the
present, is to be a woman. So, he should learn how to be a woman."
"How do you mean?" I asked, not liking where this was going.
"Buy him some women's clothes. Take him on 'girls' nights out.'
Go to a cooking class together."
"Thank you, Mrs. Saotome," I said. "I'll give your idea all the
consideration it deserves." I hung up.
I didn't talk much with her after that.
A believable reponse from Akane.
We'll just ignroe the fact that Nodoka knows where they live, and
can stop by and see her daughter whenever she feels like it. ^_^;
[...]
He looked up as I stepped in. "Oh, hey, Akane." He was stretched
out sideways on his futon, one of Happosai's dusty old books lying on
the floor next to him.
Which box did the book come out of? ;)
[...]
"Pop's gone anyhow. I'll tell Mr. Tendo where he can stick that
family pledge thing. You ain't gotta marry me."
"Ranma, you IDIOT!" I screamed. "What in the world is wrong with
you?!"
RANMA: Uh, in case you haven't been reading,
I'm permenently stuck as a girl...
[...]
He sighed. "Dammit, that's a pretty big 'but.'
AKANE: Are you saying I'm *fat*!?!
[...]
"I don't care," I lied. Actually, it was a half-truth. I did
care; just not enough for it to matter.
Another oddball semicolon, when a comma would be just fine.
[...]
"Welcome to Ucchan's." Her voice was so frigid, I expected to
see icicles dripping from her tongue. "Your server will be with you in a
moment."
KONATSU: Server? What server? It's just you and me.
UKYO: [glare of death]
KONATSU: [meek] nevermind
[...]
"Oh? Is this the 'let's all be friends' speech? Ran-chan's made
his choice, and the rest of us should just smile and say 'oh well, the
better girl won?' Sorry, honey, but that's not me."
What's with Ukyo? Why is she saying this? Maybe if she she saw
Akane and Ranma enter the store arm in arm, and Akane pushing a
reluctant Ranma forward I could see it, but all Akane did was walk
in the door!
[...]
I nodded. "Cologne said it was a second stage of the curse that
happens naturally for some victims, mainly non-Chinese."
suggest: happens to some
(Did you mean to include the connotations of "naturally"?)
[...]
"He's run off. He may be trapped in his cursed form too, for all
we know." Actually, I hadn't thought about it before then. But Mr.
Saotome had at least half the same genes as Ranma, so it stood to reason
that he'd be susceptible as well. I hoped he'd be all right.
Nah, Genma know how to escape the consequences of his actions.
No mere curse can catch up with him. ^o^
punc: cursed form, too, for
[...]
"Don't mention it." The icy edge was back in her voice.
"Anything else I can do for you, sugar?"
cap: Sugar
(Used as a proper name.)
[...]
"It's too tight," Ranma groused.
AKANE: Stop bragging about the size of your breasts!
[...]
He examined himself in the mirror. "I suppose I could pass for
myself if the person really didn't know me that well. At least the curse
doesn't change my hair color or something stupid like that." He smirked.
"We can tell people that I've lost weight because of having to eat your
cooking, Akane!"
Gee, Gary, REAL subtle. :j And jarring for most readers, I'll wager.
Especially since you didn't have to say anything. Even if it's anime
Ranma, he could have just dyed it black.
[...]
"Okay, I give up," he said. "You win." Quite some admission,
coming from him. "Akane, do you wanna marry me?"
I sighed. "Ranma, you idiot, why do you think I went through the
trouble of...." I stopped, as it dawned on me why he'd said that. "Oh.
Yes, Ranma. Yes!"
Yep. They're a matched pair of geniuses. ^_^;;;
We hesitated for a few moments, and then our lips met. It was a
sloppy kiss, but our first real one all the same, and I'll always
remember it.
AKANE: Because he bit my tongue!
RANMA: I SAID I'm sorry!
[...]
The ceremony went off without a hitch; after everything we'd
been through, it was quite anticlimactic. Ranma seemed almost
disappointed that no one showed up to demand that he marry her (or him)
instead. I could almost see his ego deflating. *You're damaged goods,
Saotome; no one wants you anymore.*
Then he shouldn't have sent Kuno away. :j
[...]
Eventually, we finally worked up the courage to explore each
other by touch. We bumbled around blindly, learning by trial and error,
and one thing led to another. I learned to look past the deceptions of
sight and feel and see Ranma as the man he really was -- as he'd always
been -- and make love to my husband.
tense: made
[...]
Having inherited the family dojo, Ranma and I looked over the
family finances and found that they were an absolute mess. There were
debts that should have been paid and tax returns that should have been
filed ten years ago, and bonds that should have been cashed in. There
were shoeboxes full of savings account statements that hadn't been
opened. We spent a lot of time organizing it all, figuring out what
needed to be paid and where we could squeeze the money from.
Not sure where this came from.
Meanwhile, we opened the dojo up to students, and a few paying
customers began to trickle in. At the same time, we kept searching for
any clue that would lead us to the zuihouniquan that Cologne had
mentioned, or any other cure for Ranma's curse. We pored through books,
scrolls, cave drawings, anything we could get our hands on. We passed
the word to anyone who might know something, or anyone who might know
someone who might know someone who might know something. But no luck.
Suggest paragraph break here.
[...]
I had just finished with the last student of the day and was
about to get started on dinner. A news reader's voice blared from the
television speaker; some observer from the UN claimed that seismic
reports indicated that the Japanese government was carrying out illegal
nuclear tests. Just another day.
Not sure where this came from, either.
[...]
I wondered what kind of meeting she was talking about. Kasumi
always went out on Thursday nights, and never told anyone where she was.
Hmm...
[...]
"We're a support group for persons with disabilities, Akane,"
AKANE: [nervous] So, you're not a spousal abuse support group?
KOJI: Uh, no...
[...]
He waved tentatively. "Uh, hi. How are ya."
Suggest putting a question mark in there somewhere.
[...]
"Give the man a break, Kenichi," Koji said. "That stuff is his
job, and this is his day off. You wouldn't like it if we asked you to
write advertising copy for us, would you?"
Oh, you're a fanfic writer? Write something for me!
"No, no, it's all right," I said. "I'm sure Ranma would be happy
to show you a few moves, wouldn't you, dear?" I tried to imitate the
voice of gentle but firm wifely persuasion that women like Mrs. Saotome
used.
cap: woulnd't you, Dear.
(I think.)
[...]
Next, Ranma picked up a bowl of fruit from the table and tossed
the contents high into the air, then leapt up to intercept them. Twin
knives, one held in each of his hands, slashed out at the fruit, cutting
faster than I could see. Slices of apple, pear, and orange tumbled down,
landing with precision back in the bowl. Instant fruit salad. Ranma
grinned as he lifted the bowl for everyone to see, like a magician
showing off the results of a trick; the oranges had landed on top,
arranged to form a smiley-face.
Where'd the knives come from? [scratches head]
The audience went wild. Cheers erupted and whoop-whistles
blared. Kenichi banged against the wall with his single arm, forever
settling the question of what one-handed clapping sounded like. Koji
excitedly described what Ranma had done to Ichiro, whose mouth fell open
in amazement.
Wouldn't Kenichi just slap the wall with his hand? ^_^;
[...]
I stayed mostly by Ranma's side during all of this conversation,
occasionally correcting his memory of the facts (what else is a good
wife for?) I could just imagine what was going through his mind. These
people had missing limbs, couldn't walk, couldn't hear, but they didn't
sit around moping about it. They simply carried on with their lives,
working, helping each other, and even enjoying themselves. And now here
was Ranma Saotome. Ranma, who had a body most anyone would envy. A body
with which there was absolutely nothing wrong except that it happened to
be a different gender from the one to which he was accustomed. And what
did *you* have to complain about, Ranma Saotome?
Wow. Awkward sentence.
suggest: Ranma, who had a body most anyone would envy; a body
that had absolutely nothing wrong with it, except that it
happened to be the wrong gender.
Eventually, the crowd began to thin out. Ranma and I made our
goodbyes as we drifted toward the exit. Kasumi waved at us. "Byebye!"
sp: Bye-bye!
or: Bye bye!
"Kasumi..." A smile crept onto Ranma's face. "Thanks."
With eyes wide, she looked back at him. "Oh my. For what?"
AKANE: For setting this up.
KASUMI: [tilting head] Setting what up?
AKANE: Well... [wave hands this] Helping Ranma feel more confident.
KASUMI: Oh, dear, has he been having a confidence problem?
AKANE: ;;;
Heh. You've kept it unclear whether Kasumi is a bubblehead, or
silent master watching everything in the background. ^_^
It wasn't quite a week later that I came home from a trip to the
grocery store to hear a familiar voice from the dojo. "No, of course
not, Ranma."
suggest: week later when I
(Since you're referring to time "when" is more appropiate than "that".)
[...]
"Look, I'm not having her throwing away her whole life because
of me. She deserves better than that. Just tell her that I had to go
away. Tell her that nothing is her fault, that she's a wonderful person
and all that but I just can't marry her or even see her anymore. It's
just how things are, and there's nothing either of us can do about it,
and she shouldn't wait for me because I'm not coming back."
You know, the first time I read that paragraph, I thought Ranma was
talking. You did just come off talking about Ranma's depression, and
I guess I missed the marriage remark. You might want to quote Ryoga
as the speaker, or maybe note that Akane is hearing a male voice.
What sort of trouble was Ryoga in? It wasn't nice to eavesdrop,
but I couldn't tear myself away. Besides, he wasn't exactly making any
attempt to lower his voice, unlike Ranma whose responses were too quiet
to hear.
punc: Ranma, whose
"Damn it! I don't want you feeling sorry for me. I've done that
enough for myself. I'm empty. There isn't anything left anymore. It's up
to you now, Ranma. You've got to look after Akane. Akari, too. Find some
other guy for her. Someone who can beat that pig of hers so that her
father will approve."
RANMA: I suppose I could paint Katsunishiki as a watermelon...
[ Imagined: ]
KUNO: A ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta!
AKARI: You butchered my Katsunishiki!
RANMA: Now you have to marry him! Isn't that great?
AKARI: [wailing]
RANMA: Maybe not.
[...]
I was afraid that Ranma would get jealous of P-chan and they
would start fighting. But in the weeks that followed, he proved that I
had nothing to worry about. On the contrary, it seemed that P-chan was
becoming the best friend that Ranma had never had.
punc: jealous of P-chan, and they
(Conjuction joining two complete clauses.)
[...]
And every day, no matter what else might be going on or might
need to be done, Ranma and P-chan would train. Three times a day,
regardless of the weather, they went to the park. Sometimes they simply
raced to see how many laps they could run together around the perimeter.
Other times they played a game that Ranma called "P-ball." The object,
so far as I could tell, was
for P-chan to live.
RANMA: And... go!
P-CHAN: [flees]
RANMA: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.
Nine. Ten. Ready of not, here I come! [Kicks dirt off of
cleats and gives chase.]
[...]
Months stretched into years. Our lives had once again settled
into a sort of stable pattern, just as they had after Ranma's arrival in
Nerima so long ago. It was a status quo that lasted until the day the
letter came.
It might be appropriate to show some deterioration of P-chan's
condition. If the kidney problem is a complication of old age,
there should be some other signs, right?
[...]
"Oh no!" I bent down for a closer look. "P-chan?"
"I think he's sick or something," Ranma said, his voice heavy
with worry. "Isn't there something we can do?"
Man, this brings back some sad memories...
[...]
"Ranma...." I set the phone down and took his hand in mine.
"You've never had a pet before, have you."
"Nuh uh," he answered. "Pop and I were on the road most of my
life."
I sighed. He was no child, but there were gaps in Ranma's
upbringing that I would have to help fill in. "Ranma, this isn't easy, I
know. Pets... they don't live forever."
"No-- NO WAY!" He jerked backwards. "He can't-- he can't be--"
Yep. Ranma's probably never lost anyone, before. And he's fought
tooth and nail to make sure that would never happen to Akane. Too
bad martial arts won't be enough to help this time.
"He could be." I squeezed Ranma's hand. "I don't know if he is
or not. Maybe the vet can help him. But eventually, a pet has to get old
and die. That's a fact of life."
suggest: eventually, pets get old
[...]
"Ranma, he's a *pig!*" It was so ridiculous that it took all my
self-control to keep from laughing. "A pig, *not* a person! Pigs just
don't live as long as people do."
The laughing remark felt rude, here. I know she didn't actually
do it, but even thinking it felt wrong... :/
[...]
I took a spatula from the wall rack and brained him with it.
UKYOU: Feels GOOD, doesn't it, Sugar?
AKANE: [blushes]
[...]
With a nod, I silently promised. Within seconds, Ranma had
zipped off, leaving me alone in the empty house. Barely audibly, P-chan
whimpered. Poor, defenseless little P-chan, who'd been my companion and
friend of sorts off and on through high school; P-chan, who was slipping
away from me like sand through my fingers and there was nothing I could
do about it. And Ranma was behaving in a way that I just couldn't
understand. Even after all these years and everything we'd been through
together, sometimes it seemed like I didn't really know him at all.
suggest: P-chan whimpered, barely audible.
Say, if Ranma dashed out of the house then, (a) how did he know what
vet Akane had gone to and (b) he couldn't have been around to yell at
the doctor about the dialysis machine.
[...]
"Mister--" The clinic receptionist carries a towel over to
Ranma, staring at his ripped clothing, at the opened breast bindings.
"Mister... Saotome?"
COLOGNE: Ah, the third stage of the curse. All the traits from
the Jusenkyo curse become intensified. It this case, look at
Ranma's improved bust...
[...]
My husband collapses into my arms. I embrace him with all my
strength; his shirt squishes, and I can feel the wetness seeping into my
dress, and I don't care. Ranma begins to sob, like a girl, I want to
think, but that's not right; like a human being, one who's just lost a
friend. Perhaps I'll never understand what was really between them, a
friendship so strong that Ranma was willing to give up his one chance at
a cure to save his friend's life by making him a human.
You already did the "like a girl, no like a person" line.
Is this a sequel to She Knows? Where did Akane meake the leap of
logic that Ranma was trying to turn P-chan (back) into a human?
[...]
I look at Ranma, and notice that he's fallen asleep in my arms.
I want to join him, but one of us needs to get us back home. I glance
down at the table for a final look, one final snapshot for the scrapbook
that was my memory. Goodbye, P-chan.
Nice ending. Very poignant.
---
AUTHOR'S MEANDERINGS: The idea for this story came out of the
death of my own family dog. That was well over a year ago; how time
flies when job hunts and other "real life" factors get in the way. At
the same time, I was dissatisfied with the "Ranma gets stuck as a
female" genre of fics, and wanted to try to do one the way I thought
they should be written. The two ideas seemed to fit together, so I
decided to do a story that combined them, and what you see here is the
result.
Everyone else seems to think this is a wonderful Ranma gets
permanently cursed fic. I dunno about that. Sure, it doesn't
read like a normal fic of those types, but there's nothing
spectacular about it, either. It just reads...
Well, like a Ranma fic. Sure, it's not blatantly out of character,
(well, ignoring Cologne) but I'd hope that would be true of all
Ranma fics. ^_^
It's not really breaking ground, either. Michelle Thatcher
recently posted Dead Butch, another first person with a similar
never-give-up theme, but from Ranma's POV.
I *do* think it does a good job as a moving fic dealing with a pet.
Hell, it moved me more than most darkfics where Ranma characters
die. That probably has something to do with the fact that my father,
brothers and I were all present as our treasured pet slowly died
before our eyes, twitching and meowing, looking off into the distance
much as P-Chan.
...
I liked the fic. Some parts kinda dripped "Gary's personal gripe
list," but it wasn't too bad. More importantly, the writing and
characterization were both good, and the plot was interesting.
Looking forward to more. Post something tomorrow. ;)
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"