Here it is... the 'proper' c&c for this. I have not only taken inot consideration the Original, but also all of the comments already made.
<Author's notes:
I picked up this fanfic to work on because a) it's EVA, b) it's a non-fusion
fic by Scriviner (oh rare gem), c) it's originally in author omniscient
(which I've retooled to third-person viewpoint) and d) it's relatively
short.>
My oh my...so it is very hard to make a rewrite to a fic that is well-liked and popular. You have said that it was hard to ave a rewrite coz you'll have to keep a balance between having a not too-overly-rigid-to-the-original fic and keeping the original's more enjoyable points. Yup, as Whimsical said, it is a rather ambitious undertaking. The verdict to it all? Let's see...
<Two Hearts of One Mind - TimeRunner Reprise
based on the original story by Scriviner
A Church of All Worlds / Gratuitous Theater Project>
<snippage throughout>
These parts I skip. Why? Coz I already gave most of my comments to it, which is basically a usual c&c to your work. Style, prose, a bit of a problem toward Rei's POV, which wasn't up to par with the Shinji POV...yup, the usual. So I'll spare the comments to those and make an overall thing. Lessee... <rubbing hands>
In Scriviner's, the aforementioned parts were described in about one paragraph. So not much to take on there...it reads like a plot summary, if anything else. You expanded upon those scenes so as to set up the climax. Now, the question is, has your alleged overstatement worked with or against the rewrite. The answer, unfortunately, is against. A rewrite will very unfortunately and unavoidably be compared to an original. If the original was well liked, the readers would naturally want to expect something from the rewrite that is new and interesting but still loyal to the original. The balance thing I mentioned earlier. You've probably heard this all before, but here it is again...the subtlety, the sparse that you were going for, is already in the original and readers who already know what was to happen bfore would find everything so overstated...like, say, a rework of Takahashi's opening episode in Ranma 1/2...it's so great that it is restricted in itself that most any alteration would almost feel like a sin. IN fact, the whole thing that you were trying to change in it was the very thing that gave it's appeal. You were setting things up and was subtle about the scenes...most people have Scriviner scene's in mind that they overlook whatever setup you're working on. Again, it is very hard to make a fic which needs to balance so many things. You have to have in mind the Eva canon, the original, the new stuff going on your head...it's hard work.
Video game fanatics, do you recall Syphon Filter? It would have been a hit, with such great graphics and plot, save one thing...most gamers feel it to be a rehash of Metal Gear Solid. One gaming magazine said, I think, in these words: "Has there not been a Metal Gear Solid, it's quite possible it would have been a hit." Syphon Filter did most of the things MGS did and improved on it somewhat, since it is later technology than MGS...but still, gamers have afresh in their mind the hit game, so Syphon Filter was just...rehash. It was what came to my mind as I first read TimeRunner's Two Hearts and read
Scriviners. First of all, it's *Scriviner's* labor of love...the originality of it all, the plot, comes from him. TimeRunner tried to incorporate the oh-so-hard balancing act that was the rewrite. But it was still *Scriviner's,* not his. He didn't want to make a second-rate Scriviner fic, but what he got, people thought of as a second-rate Scriviner fic. There was a change of story. There was more elaboration, with a touch of subtle setup working on the background. But reader's still have afresh Scriviner's work. That is the curse of the rewrite, unfortunately. Always a comparison to another. Would have been easier if there was no balancing act to do. Free reign...but it was already hard enough as it is to make a fanfic in *free reign* without having the OOC and canon police hot on your trail. To put it simply, you did a great rewrite...unfortunately, it was still based upon, came from, and ultimately limited to the original...and there's simply nothing like the original. You've made it your own and did it the way you see fit...others saw it and said "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Now all this will come as a kind of "bodes ill for the rest of the project," but it seems to be the case. There are just so many things that'll go against a simple rewrite...namely, the original. This wasn't a simple rewrite...but the hard thing to do is to find a.) what thing to change in the original that won't ruin it in the rewrite b.) do something that will make your work unique from the original c.) try to not overstep the thin line between the aforementioned things. Syphon Filter felt cheapened cause it's all "been there, done that." Your's felt cheapened because "Why the heck did'ya change that?! That's the whole thing great about the fic.
What are the things you've changed in this fic. Some of them really did improve on the fic, like changing the Hayashibara song to something Shinji really does listen to. I found your rendition here has the same style, but different feel...actually, it kinda felt much like rather like a novel I've read...John Grisham's The Rainmaker. No, the story has nothing to do with anything...only your writing, for once, did actually feel rather elaborate. No, I'm not even comparing it with the original...I read the reprise first, but it still felt rather (oh, here we go again) overstated somewhat. Probably because it had something to do with the vagueness the original had. Since that was the little something you could change, you changed that...making the reprise stand on the details as it's legs. Naturally, since the fans of the original aim on the legs, the fic has a hard time standing. The whole reprise depends on the details you've made...the readers don't like the details, so they go to the original. The spacing out of conflict, the entire compatibility-test...all depend from changing the vagueness of Scriviner. This was the downfall of the fic, unfortunately.
Now I'll have to go outtie. No matter how hard I try, I find little else to say about the fic that wasn't already stated by many people. The find hard your subtlety because they have Scriviner's vagueness for it. And I'm gonna apologize for this, somewhat...it feels like spam with my own statements seeming like a repetition of everyone elses. So I'll make this ending statements brief. Whimsical made a lot of good points, which I merely entwined with this letter (strangely, my finding something new to say is about as hard as making a good rewrite), like putting the original with the rewrite. Though that kinda makes it feel like a textbook, comparing things IMHO...perhaps a repost will do. And all that stuff about reatining the good stuff and changing whatever good is to be changed, or something to that effect. Keep in mind that most rewrites are done to fics who had actually *something* wrong with it, or something can be expanded upon it hasn't been explored in the original. 'Sides, the GTP has only begun...let us see it grow. And I'm kinda curious of the Toledo and Scriviner reprises as well. Oh yeah, Im gonna ask it here...the original Nikolas "Switch" Toledo's "After All"? ^^
- end -
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w.o.m.
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
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"A little naive? Was that what you were going to say? A little naive?"
"I was going to say a little clueless, but yeah, that about covers it."
- Skuld and Keiichi, "What Wish?"
Ja!
C. Casta�eda